Saturday Night Live (1975) s34e05 Episode Script
Josh Brolin
We take you live to the press conference of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.
Good evening.
I'm Tim Lydecker, I'm Sarah Palin's spokesman and we're very excited to be holding the Governor's first official press conference.
Tonight, nothing is off limits.
While at the same time, I urge you guys to be cool.
Seriously, guys.
Just be cool.
One last thing, no recording devices, and don't write anything down.
- This is a press conference.
- It was worth the shot.
You can't blame me for trying.
Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin.
First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media as well as the liberal regular media.
I am looking forward to a portion of your questions.
So, let's get started.
Yes, you.
What were your thoughts on Sen.
McCain's debate performance Wednesday? I just thought he was great because the American people are angry.
And John McCain is angry, too.
And you can tell he's angry by the way he sighs and grits his teeth, and he's always going like And that Barack Obama, well, if he's angry, I certainly can't tell.
His words are smooth.
When he's talking, it's like an angel whispering in your ear.
He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill.
So, to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great.
You, guy.
At a rally in North Carolina this week, you said that you like to visit the "pro-america parts of the country".
Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American? You know, that was just my lame attempt at a joke, but New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware, California.
Then also too, you have states like Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida which could be real, real, anti-American or real, real pro-American.
It's up to them.
Now, I'd like to entertain everybody with some fancy pageant walking.
I really wish that had been you.
You know, I didn't think it was a realistic depiction of the way my press conferences would have gone.
It's obviously a heightened reality.
Why couldn't we have done the 30 rock sketch that I wrote? Honestly, not enough people know that show.
I'm looking for Andy Samberg.
Where is he? That was all in good fun.
Are you going to make me burst your head open, too? Because I will.
- Where is he? - Third dressing room on the left.
He didn't like the impression we did of him on the show.
Tell me about it.
I need to talk to you.
You can't let Tina go out there with that woman.
She goes against everything we stand for.
Good lord, Lorne.
They call her What's that name they call her? - What do they call her again, Tina? - That would be Caribou Barbie.
Thank you, Tina.
This is the most important election in our nation's history, and you want her, our Tina, to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman? What do you have to say for yourself? - This is Governor Palin.
- Hi there.
I see.
Forgive me, but I feel I must say this.
You are way hotter in person.
- Thank you.
- I mean, seriously.
I can't believe they let her, you know, play you.
And I must say, your brother Stephen is my favourite Baldwin brother.
You are a delight.
Let me take you for a tour of the studio.
I've hosted the show - How many times, Lorne? - 175 times.
To answer your question, I don't worry about the polls.
Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what's going to happen.
The only poll I care about is the North Pole, and that is melting.
It's not great.
What? The real one? Now, I'm not going to take any of your questions.
But I do want to take this opportunity to say, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" S.
34 Ep.
05 - 18 Oct.
2008 Josh Brolin / Adele I am thrilled, thrilled to be here tonight.
Hosting Saturday Night Live is every actor's dream.
I was just in a movie about a prominent political figure.
It was called No Country For Old Men, and it's about John McCain.
But seriously, there's a lot of movies I'm proud of, like American Gangster.
And, of course, The Goonies.
Look, there it is.
There was a picture.
But in my latest film, I play George W.
Bush.
And as I got into the role, I realized that he and I seriously have a lot more in common than I thought.
We both spent a lot of time together in Texas.
We both love watching sports.
We both found women who changed our lives.
But I also realized something very important, that neither of us should be president.
For the movie, I did everything I could to understand his 8 years in office.
So, before we started shooting, I took a six-week vacation.
Then I focused on his foreign policy.
I learned to carefully sound out the names of world leaders.
Like Nicolas Sarkozy, Benjamin Netanyahu and Tony Blair.
And of course, I studied his physicality.
That's how you really get to know a person, how he moves.
See, he always keeps his hands sort of like this, right? Like he's about to take a test, he's got all the answers written inside his palms, he's hiding it from the teacher, so he's kind of like this.
And every time he meets someone, he gives them a big, like, an ape hug, like this.
Like he's hugging a large tree or something.
And then, finally, there's the squint, which is the most important thing.
It's kind of like someone shing a flashlight right into his eyes.
It's like When you put it all together, it goes something like this.
Who is that over there? It's you.
Tony Blair.
- That's good to see you, Tone.
- Excuse me.
Are you going to mention that it opened this weekend and the name of the film? It's called W.
We've got a great show tonight.
Adele is here, so stick around.
We'll be right back! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials He's been dabbling in the market and he doesn't use a broker He hasn't checked his stocks yet This refinery door is pressure-bolted shut.
That's not our only problem.
From the looks of that nitrogen bomb, we've only got 20 seconds.
- What do we do? - Don't worry, gang.
This one's a piece of cake.
I even have time to check my stocks online.
It's so easy.
I just log into the website 15 seconds! put in my password "Macgruber", do not tell anyone.
I'm serious.
The bomb? I'll tell you what's going to be "da bomb", is when I use my tremendous stock earnings to take you out to a juicy steak dinner.
- 10 seconds! - It's loading.
Hurry! - Loading - 5 seconds! And we're in.
What the Thank you guys for coming tonight.
I'm sure you're probably wondering what this dinner is all about.
And I've got some great news.
I'm planning on proposing to Kat tonight.
She thinks this is just gonna be a casual dinner, just with family and friends.
She has no idea I'm going to pop the question.
- How romantic.
- I bet she's gonna cry.
Here? At Takasawi's? - What's going on with you? - I love surprises.
I love being involved.
God, I'm so freakin' excited! Thank you for being here, 'cause I'm happy, too.
You're all so special to her and I know it's going to mean a lot to her having you here.
- When is it happening? - Soon.
Before she gets here, I want to go over exactly how it's going to work because, I'm a little nervous myself.
- I remember - I'm sorry.
She does not know this is happening! But we do! - We know! - Sue, calm down.
It's fine.
She's going to text me when she's almost here.
I just need you guys to act normal.
I don't want her to have any idea that this is happening, OK? Are you all right? I got weak.
And then I got hungry.
I got excited.
And now my mouth's all dried up.
You need to get a hold of yourself.
I'm all right.
I'm going to do it.
What do you think? I'm trying to decide whether I should just present the ring, or maybe I should - hide it in her food? - Hide it! She is going to come in here, and she's going to think it's all about sushi, but it's not.
Her life is going to change! She is not expecting this! I think hiding it in the food is very romantic.
It's definitely a surprise.
My god, here it is.
She just texted me.
My god, she's going to be here any minute.
I'm really nervous.
What's she doing? She's texting him.
She's going to be here soon! What are we doing? Get up.
Don't ruin this.
I have to think.
Real quickly.
This is where Kat's going to be.
She'll be eating and then she'll find the ring.
Then I'm going to say a bunch of stuff.
Like, mushy stuff.
I won't do that now.
I'll save that for the real thing.
And then I'm going to pop the question.
And she'll say I don't know.
What do you think she'll say? I do! That's what she's going to say.
She's going to say yes! What is wrong with you? Guys, she's coming.
I think you should just get out of here.
Rick, get her out of here.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, honey.
Hey, everybody.
I thought Sue was coming.
She went to wash her hands.
She should be back any minute.
She's back.
What is Sue doing? She's just joking around.
Things are going to change for you tonight! - Don't.
- There's a surprise for you.
A question's coming, something I can't talk about.
Who? Him and you, tonight, it's happening.
Don't look at your food.
Stop it! Sickness and health! Who said that? I'm saying it.
Here it comes.
I'm going to say it.
Here it comes.
Sue, shut up! Rice wine? What is happening? This isn't exactly how I wanted to do it, but I don't want the surprise to get ruined before I have the chance.
He's getting down on one knee.
One knee? I love tradition.
Will you marry me? Congratulations.
We're getting married! She said yes! There's going to be a wedding.
I love you, honey.
The market's in a freefall and he lost all his money They repossessed his houseboat and he had to pawn his saxophone Toilet paper is a luxury now This door is welded shut.
We're trapped.
And from the looks of this makeshift bomb, we've only got 20 sec.
Everybody calm down.
Just because times are tough doesn't mean we can't make it through this without our dignity intact.
- We just have to stick together.
- 15 seconds.
- Kyle, toss me that bobby pin.
- You've got it.
- Hand me that key.
- Right here.
Give me a $1,000 interest-free loan.
What? No.
- Do it.
We're running out of time.
- I'm not loaning you any more money.
- Hand me that watch.
- What watch? - Your watch.
- I got this from my dad.
- Fine.
Hand me that bottle.
- Here you go.
Give me the watch! Nice.
Casio.
Your watch.
Fine! All your wallets, wedding rings, your valuables, put them in the sock.
It's gross.
- How much time do we have? - You took my watch! I got it.
Looks like we've got about ten No, no, one It's The Suze Orman Show.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to a special episode of The Suze Orman Show.
As you all know right now our country's financial health is, as my sweet grandma used to say, "really sucking wind".
How bad is this crisis? Well, my dear doodlepants, let me answer that question with a question.
Have you ever left a bowl of broccoli in your microwave while you went out of town for a year? Then came home to a stench so foul, it caused your hair to stand on end and then part itself on the other side? I have.
And I will tell you the smell doesn't even compare to the hot funk that is rising from our current economy.
One good thing that has come out of this chaos is that I have been everywhere lately.
I've been on Oprah, Larry King, The Today Show I am busier than the map of the world fabric that lines my favorite safari vest that I got in a gift bag 2 years ago when I attended the release party of the new snapple flavour, African berry blossom teaberry lemonade.
We are going to open up the phone lines early tonight, my dear people friends.
Because I know you have a lot of questions.
So, like I say to my life partner when she's hogging our glow-in-the-dark constellations quilt I got from my favorite store in the phoenix airport, "dreamcatcher spirit of the horse wind.
" Come on baby, lay it on me.
Hello, is this Michelle? Hi, Suze, thanks for taking my call.
How can I help you, Michelle, my belle? We just bought a house last year, and we have quite a bit of money tied up in stocks.
Hold it right there.
I already know what your question is.
You were going to ask me, "where the "f" did you get that jacket?" - I was actually going to ask - Here's the scoop-a-doop.
I won this jacket at a silent auction in 1999.
I had to have it as soon as I heard it was worn by an extra in the hit show Suddenly Susan.
And sorry Michelle, I will keep this jacket until the day I die, literally.
Because I'm gonna be buried in it when I take my final dirt nap.
Does that answer your question? Onward and upward.
The next caller is here on the show via satellite from Colorado.
Please welcome Dick Dunkendirk.
Hello boyfriend.
- Hi Suze, I love your show.
- And so do I.
I understand in the past few weeks, you, like so many, have lost everything.
I sure have.
The only things I have left in my name are a portable shed and two incomplete decks of cranium cards, literally.
It's funny, couple years ago, I considered it a problem deciding which sushi restaurant to take my Romanian supermodel girlfriend to.
Now, I have to decide between using my Mr.
Coffee filters as toilet paper or sewing them together to make a fake shirt to wear on job interviews.
Help me out here, Suze.
Really screwed the poodle.
I'm gonna give it to you straight, boyfriend.
I think it's time for you to bust into your emergency savings account.
I don't think that you heard me right.
I have nothing.
I took a sponge bath this morning in a TJ Maxx bathroom.
It's grim.
Then I hate to say it, but I think it's time for you to take the penalty and cash in a small percentage of your pension.
OK, my dear? All better? Not OK.
Not better.
Yesterday I caught a roach and I thought about selling it to someone at a nursing home as a pet.
So, let me repeat, things are not good.
Now I get it.
This is serious.
The very first thing you need to do is combine all your checking and savings accounts and put them into a Roth IRA, immediately.
My bed is four open pizza boxes lined with pampers.
And then take what's left over and get a small apartment, lease a car and start over.
Crazy cakes.
You're not hearing me.
Last night I cooked my hair over a match and ate it.
Did I mention I sold my nipples to a medical school? What a wonderful story.
That's it for today.
I know a lot of you are feeling hopeless in this current financial crisis.
So, I suggest for just a few hours you turn off the news, put down the paper and curl up with a good book.
This one always brightens my mood.
It's an entire book of cats painted into great works of art, and it's called Master Pussies.
I hope you enjoyed today's show as much as I did.
I especially had a great time with Dick, and that's the 1st time I've ever said that phrase.
But before I say goodbye, I want you to remember, friends, it's people first, then money, then things, then jackets.
- How are you? - Not so good, Andy.
- I saw the last show.
- You did? I did.
And I've got to tell you, I'm very upset about this imitation you did with the animals.
What is that? It was just a stupid thing we did.
I gotta be honest with you.
I've been thinking about breaking that big, beautiful nose of yours.
Sure.
It's big and beautiful.
You know what, I decided not to, I mean the church-going guy that I am.
But I mean it's nothing like me.
I know.
I agree with you.
And the thing that I'd like to say How you doing? - How's it going? - Pretty good.
You're pregnant.
What's that all about, huh? I don't know.
It's nice to see you.
Say hi to your mother for me.
Andy, where were we? You were saying my impression was way off? Look.
I don't get it.
It was very inaccurate, you know? Again - How you doing? - I'm good.
You were in i The Goonies movie, right? I produce Entourage.
Say hi to your mother for me, OK? And your stepmother.
I didn't mean any offence, man.
I'm a fan of your movies.
Hold on a second.
- Hey, donkey.
- What's up mark? How's it going? You live in a barn, right? I'm in Max Payne.
Have you seen that movie? OK, donkey.
Say hi to your mother for me.
I'm glad we had this talk.
I feel better now.
Good.
Me, too.
Say hi to your mother for me.
You know what, I'm not going to go there.
Give me a hug.
Come on, we're gonna hug it out, bitch.
- God bless you.
- Never again, OK? When's your baby due? Yesterday.
Perfect.
What? I'm no angel.
I'm no angel.
The new sensual fragrance from the old, weird, Gregg Allman.
That's me.
And I smell a bun in the oven.
He tried to sell his blood but it's tainted with heroin He's sleeping on the beach and stealing our stereos He's running out of options This door is booby trapped.
We can't get out.
There's more.
That cluster bomb is set to blow in 20 seconds.
What do we do? I'll tell you what to do, if you give me some money.
I'm not giving you money.
This is your job.
You're right.
I've got to earn it.
Focus.
- Hand me that ping-pong ball.
- You got it.
How much would you guys pay to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt? Ten bucks? You know that's a huge bargain.
I've been getting 20 on the street.
OK, 5 bucks.
I'm just going to do it.
Just pay whatever you think is fair, OK? You don't have to do this.
It's OK.
You don't have to do this.
Here are tonight's top stories.
Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor, Warren Buffett, announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis.
So, remember everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on earth.
Former vice president, Dan Quayle, has advised vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, to "just be yourself".
Unfortunately, he spelled "yourself" with three "l" and a 6.
Newark, New Jersey's catholic archbishop is upset that part of Bill Maher's new movie, Religulous, was filmed at his parish.
But not as upset as the day the Lord chose him to be archbishop of Newark.
Supreme Court chief justice, John Roberts, this week, wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel, using phrases such as "tough as a 3$ steak" and "just another day at the office.
" Not to be outdone, justice Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to "penthouse".
According to a new survey, black people in America save and invest less money than white people.
A decision I'm guessing, black people are feeling pretty good about right now.
In a new memoir, Brady Bunch star, Maureen McCormick admits that she was a cocaine fiend who swapped sex for drugs, partied at the playboy mansion and slept with co-star, Barry Williams.
This comes on the heels of last summer's hot memoir, Tiger: anybody's bitch.
Sex offenders in Maryland are now required to post signs on their doors that read "no candy at this residence on Halloween" or face a possible parole violation.
They're also being required to take down the signs that read, "knock if you can keep a special secret".
In Wednesday night's debate, the major party candidates sparred over issues ranging from health care to the economy to Roe V.
Wade.
Missing from that debate were several minor party candidates who could have a profound effect on the election.
Here, representing the write-in party, Tim Calhoun.
I am Tim Calhoun.
And I'm running for the office of president of America.
I think I would make a real good president because I'm a hockey dad, soccer uncle, football cousin, ping-pong brother and Donkey Kong best friend.
My opponents have been using my full name to scare people.
Is it my fault that my middle name is "Boo"? According to one blind poll, I'm a real good lover.
The blind poll's name is Basha.
And I think it also helps that she has no sense of smell.
I'm going to take a moment to draw attention to my flag pin.
Where'd it go? Here's where I stand on the issues.
The economy is looking real ugly, but I've been there.
So, I propose we take the economy, put a bag over its face, shotgun a few beers, and then just get it over with.
Drill, baby, drill? No way.
Not on my teeth.
I hate baby dentists.
Sometimes sirens are just too loud.
I propose we make a quieter siren for library fires.
In conclusion and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun.
Isn't it about time America had a president with two extra toes and webbed feet? Tim Calhoun, everybody.
It is rumoured that Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce has been caused by Madonna's relationship with Yankee, Alex Rodriguez.
This after Rodriguez announced he was separating from his wife of 6 years, Derek Jeter.
Belgian Luc Costermans, this week, broke the world blind drivers speed record, reaching a top speed of 192 miles per hour.
That's what they told him, anyway.
A woman in California who took her 12-year-old daughter to a park to fight another girl has been arrested after allegedly joining in the fight.
I, for one, can only imagine what it's like to have a mother who loves you that much.
Real tears.
Retired surgeon, Gary Mickelson, is offering $75 million to the 1st person or group who can come up with new ways to sterilize cats and dogs.
Meanwhile, cats and dogs are offering $80 million to anyone who can assassinate Gary Mickelson.
America's financial crisis has spilled over into Europe, with european markets plunging 22% last week.
Here, with some firsthand perspective on the situation, is the top Def Jam comedian in Europe, France's own, Jean K.
Jean.
Bon to the jour, Seth.
Now, do you see evidence of financial collapse in your country? Absolutely.
People are broke up in France.
Brothers be eating pain au chocolat without the chocolat.
Just pain! Incroyable! I saw a mime the other day.
He didn't even have a roof on his imaginary house.
I'm telling you, last week I went to the supermarché to get a bottle of Perrier.
All I could afford was a glass of tap water and a straw to blow my own bubbles.
Zut alors! It's getting cold up by my house.
I live up in Marseille.
It's so cold up in Marseille, brothers aren't wearing berets, they're wearing brrrets.
If it gets any colder, I'm going to have to go to the beach wearing two Speedos.
France got a new first lady, y'all.
That's right.
Carla Bruni is up in the maison.
She's fine.
Give me a baguette in my pants.
And y'all know the other European leaders be jealous, right? Angela Merkel look at her and be, like, "I bet she thinks she's all that in a bag of pommes-frites.
" Carla bruni's so fine if she goes to the G8 summit, they'll have to rename it the "G-ain't that bitch fine summit".
Jean K.
Jean, everyone.
Always a gentleman.
Great to have you.
Two Indonesian men believe they were put into a trance by a mystic causing them to get tattoos of dragons on their faces after being promised jobs as government intelligence officers.
The mystic's name? Captain Morgan.
A 2nd teenager has been left in an area hospital under Nebraska's new safe haven law, which allows parents to abandon their children without fear of prosecution.
Or, what is known in Manhattan as boarding school.
After two weeks of cancelled shows on her Rock Witchu tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she's been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo.
So, while she may not be able to rock witchu, she can still sit witchu or lean against something real stable witchu.
And now, here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign, republican vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin.
And thanks for the chance to come out here tonight.
But I've been thinking it over and I'm not going to do the piece that we rehearsed.
- Really? You were so good at it.
- I know.
It was really fun, too.
But My gut is telling me it might be a bad idea for the campaign.
- Are you sure? - After a lot of thought, I think it might just cross the line.
In that case, Amy, do you want to do Gov.
Palin's part instead? - I guess I could give it a try.
- Do you remember it? - I kind of remember it.
- What don't you try it? My name is Sarah Palin You all know me Vice president nominee of the GOP Gonna need your vote in the next election Can I get a "what what" from the senior section McCain got experience McCain got style But don't let him freak you out When he tries to smile 'Cause that smile be creepy But when I'm VP all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me How's it go Eskimo? Tell me tell me what you know Eskimo - How you feel Eskimo? - Ice cold - Tell me what you feel Eskimo - Super cold I'm Jeremiah Wright 'Cause tonight I'm the preacher I got a bookish look And you're all-hot-for teacher Todd looking fine on his snow machine So hot for each other Need a go-between In Wasilla We just chill baby chilla But when I see oil It's drill baby, drilla My country tis of thee From my porch I can see Russia and such All the mavericks in the house put your hands up All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up When I say Obama you say "Ayers" I built me a bridge It ain't goin' nowhere McCain-Palin gonna put The nail in the coffin - Of the media elite - She likes red meat Shoot a mother-humpin' moose 8 days of the week Now you're dead Now you're dead 'Cause I'm an animal And I'm bigger than you Holding a shotgun Walk in the pub Everybody party We're going on a hunt Yo, I'm Palin, I'm out I think you made the right decision not to do that.
You betcha.
- For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Sarah Palin.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
- Hello, Jerry.
- Hello, fart face.
Ready for the meeting? So, this again? What's the matter, fart face? It's been a week now, and I think it's time you stop calling me fart face.
And why is that, fart face? Because, for your information, - I'm not a fart face.
- That's your opinion.
That's a lot of people's opinions.
Fart face, fart face, relax.
Why on earth should I relax right now? Give me one good reason.
Because I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.
I don't think you're a fart face.
Good.
You scared me there for a while.
Send in Jim Deaver.
There he is.
Hello Jim.
Great to see you, Jerry.
I introduce you to one of the best.
His given name is Carl, but he likes to be called fart face.
Hello, fart face.
Could you plug up your ears for a moment, please? Sure, fart face.
When you call someone a fart face in a contained environment, I'll admit it's a funny joke, but to set it loose in a business meeting is damn near unforgivable.
Sorry, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
From here on out, you are Carl, not fart face.
Yes, fart face? - Jerry has something to say.
- Thank you, fart face.
- What is it? - It's about fart face.
What about him? It's about the concept in using the name, fart face, to describe Carl.
Who's Carl again? - Me.
- Fart face.
I think it might be best if we address fart face as just plain Carl.
If it's all the same, I'd like to continue calling him fart face.
Great, thanks, Jerry.
I'm going to miss saying fart face as much as you, but it's unfair because if you spent any time with Carl, you know his face does not smell of farts but rather a face.
Odor-wise, I'd agree, but I'm talking about appearance.
I believe if a fart did have a face, it would look exactly like fart face.
How dare you! - You've gone over the line.
- You served me the kool-aid.
- I just drank it.
- Spit it out.
No way, I don't want to stain fart face's rug.
You know full well that the kool-aid we're referring to is metaphorical, and spitting it out will not damage anything in this office.
Tough luck.
I love calling you fart face, it makes me feel good, and I'm not going to stop.
You're being unreasonable.
Then I never want to be reasonable again.
You will not say that in my office.
Stop that, stop that.
Or else Or else, what? What are you gonna do about it? Nothing.
- Right.
- Nothing at all.
You freakin' fart face.
What did you call me? What's wrong, you got fart in your ears, you freakin' fart face? Just wait a minute here.
You're the fart face.
There's only one fart face, I'm looking at him, and boy, does his face smell like farts.
- He's the new fart face.
- He's not.
He is a smart face.
He is a clean face.
He is a tough face.
And he is a never cry face.
It looks to me like he's an about to cry face.
He's not.
If you think I'm gonna get through this contract to two people who just pulled the fart face turnaround on me, you've got another thing coming.
Get ready to never work again because the whole town is going to hear that you cried in our office, you freaking fart face! You're getting shut down! 'Cause nobody wants to work with a crybaby, fart face! You're out of the business! Get out of here before the stink from your face kills all my plants! I hate you.
I hate you so much! Hi Terry, guess who was just in my office crying like a little baby? That fart face, Jim Deaver.
This is Jerry.
Jim Deaver just cried in our office.
Spread the word.
Carol, call Tom Jenkins in accounting.
And tell him that Jim deader just cried in our office! We just told three people what you just did in our office.
He's crying.
Go ahead and cry you He just shot himself.
My name is Ms.
Matthews, and this is ninth grade algebra.
And I'm sorry.
Is everyone here in the right class? Some of you look a lot older than 15? What? Come on, teach.
Don't be wack.
Really? Because if I didn't know better, I'd think you all were undercover narcotics agents posing as students.
- What? - That's crazy! Narc School School full of narcs Because of a mix-up at Vanderbilt high school There's no real students They're just cops undercover And they're looking for bad guys But there aren't any bad guys This week on Narc School.
Boy, algebra's hard.
I'd much rather be at a drug party.
A drug party.
I like the sound of that.
I think drugs are crunk.
Do you? Do you? Are you guys talking drugs? 'Cause I think drugs are bodacious.
I might know where to get some.
Do you? Do you? Look, class.
I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest.
Is everybody here a narc? Come on! - That's wack! - Teacher, no! I just hit puberty.
If you say so.
Does anyone know where I could score some I write so small.
Wipe-its? Whip-its.
Is that the same thing as pot? Because I like doing pot.
Snap.
I seem to have forgotten my crack cocaine pipe.
You're not students.
And you, your kid plays soccer with my son.
I wouldn't call what he does soccer.
All right, fine.
But nobody here is a narc? What if I told you that I had I don't know, drugs in my purse? Next week on Narc School So, you got a date to the prom? I'm married.
I mean, what? Let's all go together in my dodge caravan.
It seats eight.
Plenty of room for a drug party.
Or we could buy beer with my brother's license.
I know you guys are narcs.
Teacher.
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Why? New York, New York.
A sea of 8 million people.
But where do they go at night? Where do they go to unwind? Empire state building? Times square? Maybe if you're a tourist.
But if you're a real New Yorker, where you want to go is here! The Lower East Side.
The Kennel Club.
This has been the venue for such acts as Rowboat, the Belliman twins, the U-turn committee and Science Finger, to name just a few.
Tonight, Joshua Rainhorn.
He's known for his dynamic stage performances.
Leaving some of his audience members literally weeping.
End quote.
Looks like the show's about to start.
I'm gonna go get ready.
You're standing there Your silhouette Your dressing gown Wine and cigarettes With your Charlie Chaplin laugh All the mayors and politicians line up Just to dance a waltz with you When Rainhorn plays, we're no longer in New York.
We're on the island of Crete, teaching a young native boy how to dream.
We're in a garage watching our father cry.
We're an obese 15-year-old seeing ourselves naked for the first time.
She heard the angels coming This has been Trevor Dix with Joshua Rainhorn.
And this is another correspondence from The underground.
OK, guys.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
The train was late.
Listen, before we begin, can I please just take a moment and talk about the fall foliage? All the crimsons and golds and browns and golds and buttery golds and buttery browns? Did I say crimson? Love this time of year.
I love it.
You know? Fall's my jam.
Has anyone seen the fall foliage? Quick yes or no, starting with Tom.
Fall foliage? Go.
No one? Come on.
It's amazing.
You know what? I was seriously thinking of putting together a fall foliage getaway just for us, just for everyone in this room.
Go and see the browns and the golds and the buttery golds Who's interested? Start with Tom.
Go.
Hang on.
I don't think you understand what the fall foliage looks like because if you haven't seen it, you need to see it.
Toasted oranges, buttery rusts.
I tell you what, I'll pay all the expenses.
I'll rent a car.
I'll rent a van.
I'll rent a very large van so we can all get together, and I'll point out the different foliage that I think that everyone should be looking at.
And then after we've seen it, after we've seen this brilliant foliage, if there's still time, maybe we can go to a gourd farm, and pick some gourds.
Arrange them.
So, OK, who's in? Fall foliage? Yes, no? I have never met so many people who didn't want to go see the fall foliage in a group.
What the hell? What's wrong with you? People love to get in a group and talk about the fall foliage.
This is stuff that people love to do as a group! Good god! I'm your boss! This is crazy! Wait a second.
This is a joke, isn't it? Right? This is a joke.
Yes or no? Go.
You people are awful.
Awful, awful people.
I don't get it.
I really I just don't.
No one has even noticed my chestnut colored slacks and matching vest.
I'm not going to get mad, all right? Forget it.
I just want everyone to know that I am making a butternut squash soup tonight.
Five different kinds of squash.
I'm going to make enough for everybody.
There doesn't need to be, a yes or no.
It's just going to be here for everybody to enjoy, OK? And the fall foliage thing, we can get a van, you know.
You let me know.
You sleep on it.
Sorry, how long ago did he work here? I think, 13 years ago.
And he just comes back every fall? And no one ever goes with him? I went with him one year.
He allowed me to be raped.
But by who? By him.
He seemed so nice.
He was nice about it.
I can't wait to have his soup tomorrow.
Yes, you can.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Synch.
: So.
Relec.
: Boogawanga
Good evening.
I'm Tim Lydecker, I'm Sarah Palin's spokesman and we're very excited to be holding the Governor's first official press conference.
Tonight, nothing is off limits.
While at the same time, I urge you guys to be cool.
Seriously, guys.
Just be cool.
One last thing, no recording devices, and don't write anything down.
- This is a press conference.
- It was worth the shot.
You can't blame me for trying.
Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin.
First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media as well as the liberal regular media.
I am looking forward to a portion of your questions.
So, let's get started.
Yes, you.
What were your thoughts on Sen.
McCain's debate performance Wednesday? I just thought he was great because the American people are angry.
And John McCain is angry, too.
And you can tell he's angry by the way he sighs and grits his teeth, and he's always going like And that Barack Obama, well, if he's angry, I certainly can't tell.
His words are smooth.
When he's talking, it's like an angel whispering in your ear.
He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill.
So, to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great.
You, guy.
At a rally in North Carolina this week, you said that you like to visit the "pro-america parts of the country".
Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American? You know, that was just my lame attempt at a joke, but New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware, California.
Then also too, you have states like Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida which could be real, real, anti-American or real, real pro-American.
It's up to them.
Now, I'd like to entertain everybody with some fancy pageant walking.
I really wish that had been you.
You know, I didn't think it was a realistic depiction of the way my press conferences would have gone.
It's obviously a heightened reality.
Why couldn't we have done the 30 rock sketch that I wrote? Honestly, not enough people know that show.
I'm looking for Andy Samberg.
Where is he? That was all in good fun.
Are you going to make me burst your head open, too? Because I will.
- Where is he? - Third dressing room on the left.
He didn't like the impression we did of him on the show.
Tell me about it.
I need to talk to you.
You can't let Tina go out there with that woman.
She goes against everything we stand for.
Good lord, Lorne.
They call her What's that name they call her? - What do they call her again, Tina? - That would be Caribou Barbie.
Thank you, Tina.
This is the most important election in our nation's history, and you want her, our Tina, to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman? What do you have to say for yourself? - This is Governor Palin.
- Hi there.
I see.
Forgive me, but I feel I must say this.
You are way hotter in person.
- Thank you.
- I mean, seriously.
I can't believe they let her, you know, play you.
And I must say, your brother Stephen is my favourite Baldwin brother.
You are a delight.
Let me take you for a tour of the studio.
I've hosted the show - How many times, Lorne? - 175 times.
To answer your question, I don't worry about the polls.
Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what's going to happen.
The only poll I care about is the North Pole, and that is melting.
It's not great.
What? The real one? Now, I'm not going to take any of your questions.
But I do want to take this opportunity to say, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" S.
34 Ep.
05 - 18 Oct.
2008 Josh Brolin / Adele I am thrilled, thrilled to be here tonight.
Hosting Saturday Night Live is every actor's dream.
I was just in a movie about a prominent political figure.
It was called No Country For Old Men, and it's about John McCain.
But seriously, there's a lot of movies I'm proud of, like American Gangster.
And, of course, The Goonies.
Look, there it is.
There was a picture.
But in my latest film, I play George W.
Bush.
And as I got into the role, I realized that he and I seriously have a lot more in common than I thought.
We both spent a lot of time together in Texas.
We both love watching sports.
We both found women who changed our lives.
But I also realized something very important, that neither of us should be president.
For the movie, I did everything I could to understand his 8 years in office.
So, before we started shooting, I took a six-week vacation.
Then I focused on his foreign policy.
I learned to carefully sound out the names of world leaders.
Like Nicolas Sarkozy, Benjamin Netanyahu and Tony Blair.
And of course, I studied his physicality.
That's how you really get to know a person, how he moves.
See, he always keeps his hands sort of like this, right? Like he's about to take a test, he's got all the answers written inside his palms, he's hiding it from the teacher, so he's kind of like this.
And every time he meets someone, he gives them a big, like, an ape hug, like this.
Like he's hugging a large tree or something.
And then, finally, there's the squint, which is the most important thing.
It's kind of like someone shing a flashlight right into his eyes.
It's like When you put it all together, it goes something like this.
Who is that over there? It's you.
Tony Blair.
- That's good to see you, Tone.
- Excuse me.
Are you going to mention that it opened this weekend and the name of the film? It's called W.
We've got a great show tonight.
Adele is here, so stick around.
We'll be right back! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials He's been dabbling in the market and he doesn't use a broker He hasn't checked his stocks yet This refinery door is pressure-bolted shut.
That's not our only problem.
From the looks of that nitrogen bomb, we've only got 20 seconds.
- What do we do? - Don't worry, gang.
This one's a piece of cake.
I even have time to check my stocks online.
It's so easy.
I just log into the website 15 seconds! put in my password "Macgruber", do not tell anyone.
I'm serious.
The bomb? I'll tell you what's going to be "da bomb", is when I use my tremendous stock earnings to take you out to a juicy steak dinner.
- 10 seconds! - It's loading.
Hurry! - Loading - 5 seconds! And we're in.
What the Thank you guys for coming tonight.
I'm sure you're probably wondering what this dinner is all about.
And I've got some great news.
I'm planning on proposing to Kat tonight.
She thinks this is just gonna be a casual dinner, just with family and friends.
She has no idea I'm going to pop the question.
- How romantic.
- I bet she's gonna cry.
Here? At Takasawi's? - What's going on with you? - I love surprises.
I love being involved.
God, I'm so freakin' excited! Thank you for being here, 'cause I'm happy, too.
You're all so special to her and I know it's going to mean a lot to her having you here.
- When is it happening? - Soon.
Before she gets here, I want to go over exactly how it's going to work because, I'm a little nervous myself.
- I remember - I'm sorry.
She does not know this is happening! But we do! - We know! - Sue, calm down.
It's fine.
She's going to text me when she's almost here.
I just need you guys to act normal.
I don't want her to have any idea that this is happening, OK? Are you all right? I got weak.
And then I got hungry.
I got excited.
And now my mouth's all dried up.
You need to get a hold of yourself.
I'm all right.
I'm going to do it.
What do you think? I'm trying to decide whether I should just present the ring, or maybe I should - hide it in her food? - Hide it! She is going to come in here, and she's going to think it's all about sushi, but it's not.
Her life is going to change! She is not expecting this! I think hiding it in the food is very romantic.
It's definitely a surprise.
My god, here it is.
She just texted me.
My god, she's going to be here any minute.
I'm really nervous.
What's she doing? She's texting him.
She's going to be here soon! What are we doing? Get up.
Don't ruin this.
I have to think.
Real quickly.
This is where Kat's going to be.
She'll be eating and then she'll find the ring.
Then I'm going to say a bunch of stuff.
Like, mushy stuff.
I won't do that now.
I'll save that for the real thing.
And then I'm going to pop the question.
And she'll say I don't know.
What do you think she'll say? I do! That's what she's going to say.
She's going to say yes! What is wrong with you? Guys, she's coming.
I think you should just get out of here.
Rick, get her out of here.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, honey.
Hey, everybody.
I thought Sue was coming.
She went to wash her hands.
She should be back any minute.
She's back.
What is Sue doing? She's just joking around.
Things are going to change for you tonight! - Don't.
- There's a surprise for you.
A question's coming, something I can't talk about.
Who? Him and you, tonight, it's happening.
Don't look at your food.
Stop it! Sickness and health! Who said that? I'm saying it.
Here it comes.
I'm going to say it.
Here it comes.
Sue, shut up! Rice wine? What is happening? This isn't exactly how I wanted to do it, but I don't want the surprise to get ruined before I have the chance.
He's getting down on one knee.
One knee? I love tradition.
Will you marry me? Congratulations.
We're getting married! She said yes! There's going to be a wedding.
I love you, honey.
The market's in a freefall and he lost all his money They repossessed his houseboat and he had to pawn his saxophone Toilet paper is a luxury now This door is welded shut.
We're trapped.
And from the looks of this makeshift bomb, we've only got 20 sec.
Everybody calm down.
Just because times are tough doesn't mean we can't make it through this without our dignity intact.
- We just have to stick together.
- 15 seconds.
- Kyle, toss me that bobby pin.
- You've got it.
- Hand me that key.
- Right here.
Give me a $1,000 interest-free loan.
What? No.
- Do it.
We're running out of time.
- I'm not loaning you any more money.
- Hand me that watch.
- What watch? - Your watch.
- I got this from my dad.
- Fine.
Hand me that bottle.
- Here you go.
Give me the watch! Nice.
Casio.
Your watch.
Fine! All your wallets, wedding rings, your valuables, put them in the sock.
It's gross.
- How much time do we have? - You took my watch! I got it.
Looks like we've got about ten No, no, one It's The Suze Orman Show.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to a special episode of The Suze Orman Show.
As you all know right now our country's financial health is, as my sweet grandma used to say, "really sucking wind".
How bad is this crisis? Well, my dear doodlepants, let me answer that question with a question.
Have you ever left a bowl of broccoli in your microwave while you went out of town for a year? Then came home to a stench so foul, it caused your hair to stand on end and then part itself on the other side? I have.
And I will tell you the smell doesn't even compare to the hot funk that is rising from our current economy.
One good thing that has come out of this chaos is that I have been everywhere lately.
I've been on Oprah, Larry King, The Today Show I am busier than the map of the world fabric that lines my favorite safari vest that I got in a gift bag 2 years ago when I attended the release party of the new snapple flavour, African berry blossom teaberry lemonade.
We are going to open up the phone lines early tonight, my dear people friends.
Because I know you have a lot of questions.
So, like I say to my life partner when she's hogging our glow-in-the-dark constellations quilt I got from my favorite store in the phoenix airport, "dreamcatcher spirit of the horse wind.
" Come on baby, lay it on me.
Hello, is this Michelle? Hi, Suze, thanks for taking my call.
How can I help you, Michelle, my belle? We just bought a house last year, and we have quite a bit of money tied up in stocks.
Hold it right there.
I already know what your question is.
You were going to ask me, "where the "f" did you get that jacket?" - I was actually going to ask - Here's the scoop-a-doop.
I won this jacket at a silent auction in 1999.
I had to have it as soon as I heard it was worn by an extra in the hit show Suddenly Susan.
And sorry Michelle, I will keep this jacket until the day I die, literally.
Because I'm gonna be buried in it when I take my final dirt nap.
Does that answer your question? Onward and upward.
The next caller is here on the show via satellite from Colorado.
Please welcome Dick Dunkendirk.
Hello boyfriend.
- Hi Suze, I love your show.
- And so do I.
I understand in the past few weeks, you, like so many, have lost everything.
I sure have.
The only things I have left in my name are a portable shed and two incomplete decks of cranium cards, literally.
It's funny, couple years ago, I considered it a problem deciding which sushi restaurant to take my Romanian supermodel girlfriend to.
Now, I have to decide between using my Mr.
Coffee filters as toilet paper or sewing them together to make a fake shirt to wear on job interviews.
Help me out here, Suze.
Really screwed the poodle.
I'm gonna give it to you straight, boyfriend.
I think it's time for you to bust into your emergency savings account.
I don't think that you heard me right.
I have nothing.
I took a sponge bath this morning in a TJ Maxx bathroom.
It's grim.
Then I hate to say it, but I think it's time for you to take the penalty and cash in a small percentage of your pension.
OK, my dear? All better? Not OK.
Not better.
Yesterday I caught a roach and I thought about selling it to someone at a nursing home as a pet.
So, let me repeat, things are not good.
Now I get it.
This is serious.
The very first thing you need to do is combine all your checking and savings accounts and put them into a Roth IRA, immediately.
My bed is four open pizza boxes lined with pampers.
And then take what's left over and get a small apartment, lease a car and start over.
Crazy cakes.
You're not hearing me.
Last night I cooked my hair over a match and ate it.
Did I mention I sold my nipples to a medical school? What a wonderful story.
That's it for today.
I know a lot of you are feeling hopeless in this current financial crisis.
So, I suggest for just a few hours you turn off the news, put down the paper and curl up with a good book.
This one always brightens my mood.
It's an entire book of cats painted into great works of art, and it's called Master Pussies.
I hope you enjoyed today's show as much as I did.
I especially had a great time with Dick, and that's the 1st time I've ever said that phrase.
But before I say goodbye, I want you to remember, friends, it's people first, then money, then things, then jackets.
- How are you? - Not so good, Andy.
- I saw the last show.
- You did? I did.
And I've got to tell you, I'm very upset about this imitation you did with the animals.
What is that? It was just a stupid thing we did.
I gotta be honest with you.
I've been thinking about breaking that big, beautiful nose of yours.
Sure.
It's big and beautiful.
You know what, I decided not to, I mean the church-going guy that I am.
But I mean it's nothing like me.
I know.
I agree with you.
And the thing that I'd like to say How you doing? - How's it going? - Pretty good.
You're pregnant.
What's that all about, huh? I don't know.
It's nice to see you.
Say hi to your mother for me.
Andy, where were we? You were saying my impression was way off? Look.
I don't get it.
It was very inaccurate, you know? Again - How you doing? - I'm good.
You were in i The Goonies movie, right? I produce Entourage.
Say hi to your mother for me, OK? And your stepmother.
I didn't mean any offence, man.
I'm a fan of your movies.
Hold on a second.
- Hey, donkey.
- What's up mark? How's it going? You live in a barn, right? I'm in Max Payne.
Have you seen that movie? OK, donkey.
Say hi to your mother for me.
I'm glad we had this talk.
I feel better now.
Good.
Me, too.
Say hi to your mother for me.
You know what, I'm not going to go there.
Give me a hug.
Come on, we're gonna hug it out, bitch.
- God bless you.
- Never again, OK? When's your baby due? Yesterday.
Perfect.
What? I'm no angel.
I'm no angel.
The new sensual fragrance from the old, weird, Gregg Allman.
That's me.
And I smell a bun in the oven.
He tried to sell his blood but it's tainted with heroin He's sleeping on the beach and stealing our stereos He's running out of options This door is booby trapped.
We can't get out.
There's more.
That cluster bomb is set to blow in 20 seconds.
What do we do? I'll tell you what to do, if you give me some money.
I'm not giving you money.
This is your job.
You're right.
I've got to earn it.
Focus.
- Hand me that ping-pong ball.
- You got it.
How much would you guys pay to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt? Ten bucks? You know that's a huge bargain.
I've been getting 20 on the street.
OK, 5 bucks.
I'm just going to do it.
Just pay whatever you think is fair, OK? You don't have to do this.
It's OK.
You don't have to do this.
Here are tonight's top stories.
Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor, Warren Buffett, announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis.
So, remember everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on earth.
Former vice president, Dan Quayle, has advised vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, to "just be yourself".
Unfortunately, he spelled "yourself" with three "l" and a 6.
Newark, New Jersey's catholic archbishop is upset that part of Bill Maher's new movie, Religulous, was filmed at his parish.
But not as upset as the day the Lord chose him to be archbishop of Newark.
Supreme Court chief justice, John Roberts, this week, wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel, using phrases such as "tough as a 3$ steak" and "just another day at the office.
" Not to be outdone, justice Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to "penthouse".
According to a new survey, black people in America save and invest less money than white people.
A decision I'm guessing, black people are feeling pretty good about right now.
In a new memoir, Brady Bunch star, Maureen McCormick admits that she was a cocaine fiend who swapped sex for drugs, partied at the playboy mansion and slept with co-star, Barry Williams.
This comes on the heels of last summer's hot memoir, Tiger: anybody's bitch.
Sex offenders in Maryland are now required to post signs on their doors that read "no candy at this residence on Halloween" or face a possible parole violation.
They're also being required to take down the signs that read, "knock if you can keep a special secret".
In Wednesday night's debate, the major party candidates sparred over issues ranging from health care to the economy to Roe V.
Wade.
Missing from that debate were several minor party candidates who could have a profound effect on the election.
Here, representing the write-in party, Tim Calhoun.
I am Tim Calhoun.
And I'm running for the office of president of America.
I think I would make a real good president because I'm a hockey dad, soccer uncle, football cousin, ping-pong brother and Donkey Kong best friend.
My opponents have been using my full name to scare people.
Is it my fault that my middle name is "Boo"? According to one blind poll, I'm a real good lover.
The blind poll's name is Basha.
And I think it also helps that she has no sense of smell.
I'm going to take a moment to draw attention to my flag pin.
Where'd it go? Here's where I stand on the issues.
The economy is looking real ugly, but I've been there.
So, I propose we take the economy, put a bag over its face, shotgun a few beers, and then just get it over with.
Drill, baby, drill? No way.
Not on my teeth.
I hate baby dentists.
Sometimes sirens are just too loud.
I propose we make a quieter siren for library fires.
In conclusion and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun.
Isn't it about time America had a president with two extra toes and webbed feet? Tim Calhoun, everybody.
It is rumoured that Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce has been caused by Madonna's relationship with Yankee, Alex Rodriguez.
This after Rodriguez announced he was separating from his wife of 6 years, Derek Jeter.
Belgian Luc Costermans, this week, broke the world blind drivers speed record, reaching a top speed of 192 miles per hour.
That's what they told him, anyway.
A woman in California who took her 12-year-old daughter to a park to fight another girl has been arrested after allegedly joining in the fight.
I, for one, can only imagine what it's like to have a mother who loves you that much.
Real tears.
Retired surgeon, Gary Mickelson, is offering $75 million to the 1st person or group who can come up with new ways to sterilize cats and dogs.
Meanwhile, cats and dogs are offering $80 million to anyone who can assassinate Gary Mickelson.
America's financial crisis has spilled over into Europe, with european markets plunging 22% last week.
Here, with some firsthand perspective on the situation, is the top Def Jam comedian in Europe, France's own, Jean K.
Jean.
Bon to the jour, Seth.
Now, do you see evidence of financial collapse in your country? Absolutely.
People are broke up in France.
Brothers be eating pain au chocolat without the chocolat.
Just pain! Incroyable! I saw a mime the other day.
He didn't even have a roof on his imaginary house.
I'm telling you, last week I went to the supermarché to get a bottle of Perrier.
All I could afford was a glass of tap water and a straw to blow my own bubbles.
Zut alors! It's getting cold up by my house.
I live up in Marseille.
It's so cold up in Marseille, brothers aren't wearing berets, they're wearing brrrets.
If it gets any colder, I'm going to have to go to the beach wearing two Speedos.
France got a new first lady, y'all.
That's right.
Carla Bruni is up in the maison.
She's fine.
Give me a baguette in my pants.
And y'all know the other European leaders be jealous, right? Angela Merkel look at her and be, like, "I bet she thinks she's all that in a bag of pommes-frites.
" Carla bruni's so fine if she goes to the G8 summit, they'll have to rename it the "G-ain't that bitch fine summit".
Jean K.
Jean, everyone.
Always a gentleman.
Great to have you.
Two Indonesian men believe they were put into a trance by a mystic causing them to get tattoos of dragons on their faces after being promised jobs as government intelligence officers.
The mystic's name? Captain Morgan.
A 2nd teenager has been left in an area hospital under Nebraska's new safe haven law, which allows parents to abandon their children without fear of prosecution.
Or, what is known in Manhattan as boarding school.
After two weeks of cancelled shows on her Rock Witchu tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she's been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo.
So, while she may not be able to rock witchu, she can still sit witchu or lean against something real stable witchu.
And now, here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign, republican vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin.
And thanks for the chance to come out here tonight.
But I've been thinking it over and I'm not going to do the piece that we rehearsed.
- Really? You were so good at it.
- I know.
It was really fun, too.
But My gut is telling me it might be a bad idea for the campaign.
- Are you sure? - After a lot of thought, I think it might just cross the line.
In that case, Amy, do you want to do Gov.
Palin's part instead? - I guess I could give it a try.
- Do you remember it? - I kind of remember it.
- What don't you try it? My name is Sarah Palin You all know me Vice president nominee of the GOP Gonna need your vote in the next election Can I get a "what what" from the senior section McCain got experience McCain got style But don't let him freak you out When he tries to smile 'Cause that smile be creepy But when I'm VP all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me How's it go Eskimo? Tell me tell me what you know Eskimo - How you feel Eskimo? - Ice cold - Tell me what you feel Eskimo - Super cold I'm Jeremiah Wright 'Cause tonight I'm the preacher I got a bookish look And you're all-hot-for teacher Todd looking fine on his snow machine So hot for each other Need a go-between In Wasilla We just chill baby chilla But when I see oil It's drill baby, drilla My country tis of thee From my porch I can see Russia and such All the mavericks in the house put your hands up All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up When I say Obama you say "Ayers" I built me a bridge It ain't goin' nowhere McCain-Palin gonna put The nail in the coffin - Of the media elite - She likes red meat Shoot a mother-humpin' moose 8 days of the week Now you're dead Now you're dead 'Cause I'm an animal And I'm bigger than you Holding a shotgun Walk in the pub Everybody party We're going on a hunt Yo, I'm Palin, I'm out I think you made the right decision not to do that.
You betcha.
- For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Sarah Palin.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
- Hello, Jerry.
- Hello, fart face.
Ready for the meeting? So, this again? What's the matter, fart face? It's been a week now, and I think it's time you stop calling me fart face.
And why is that, fart face? Because, for your information, - I'm not a fart face.
- That's your opinion.
That's a lot of people's opinions.
Fart face, fart face, relax.
Why on earth should I relax right now? Give me one good reason.
Because I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.
I don't think you're a fart face.
Good.
You scared me there for a while.
Send in Jim Deaver.
There he is.
Hello Jim.
Great to see you, Jerry.
I introduce you to one of the best.
His given name is Carl, but he likes to be called fart face.
Hello, fart face.
Could you plug up your ears for a moment, please? Sure, fart face.
When you call someone a fart face in a contained environment, I'll admit it's a funny joke, but to set it loose in a business meeting is damn near unforgivable.
Sorry, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
From here on out, you are Carl, not fart face.
Yes, fart face? - Jerry has something to say.
- Thank you, fart face.
- What is it? - It's about fart face.
What about him? It's about the concept in using the name, fart face, to describe Carl.
Who's Carl again? - Me.
- Fart face.
I think it might be best if we address fart face as just plain Carl.
If it's all the same, I'd like to continue calling him fart face.
Great, thanks, Jerry.
I'm going to miss saying fart face as much as you, but it's unfair because if you spent any time with Carl, you know his face does not smell of farts but rather a face.
Odor-wise, I'd agree, but I'm talking about appearance.
I believe if a fart did have a face, it would look exactly like fart face.
How dare you! - You've gone over the line.
- You served me the kool-aid.
- I just drank it.
- Spit it out.
No way, I don't want to stain fart face's rug.
You know full well that the kool-aid we're referring to is metaphorical, and spitting it out will not damage anything in this office.
Tough luck.
I love calling you fart face, it makes me feel good, and I'm not going to stop.
You're being unreasonable.
Then I never want to be reasonable again.
You will not say that in my office.
Stop that, stop that.
Or else Or else, what? What are you gonna do about it? Nothing.
- Right.
- Nothing at all.
You freakin' fart face.
What did you call me? What's wrong, you got fart in your ears, you freakin' fart face? Just wait a minute here.
You're the fart face.
There's only one fart face, I'm looking at him, and boy, does his face smell like farts.
- He's the new fart face.
- He's not.
He is a smart face.
He is a clean face.
He is a tough face.
And he is a never cry face.
It looks to me like he's an about to cry face.
He's not.
If you think I'm gonna get through this contract to two people who just pulled the fart face turnaround on me, you've got another thing coming.
Get ready to never work again because the whole town is going to hear that you cried in our office, you freaking fart face! You're getting shut down! 'Cause nobody wants to work with a crybaby, fart face! You're out of the business! Get out of here before the stink from your face kills all my plants! I hate you.
I hate you so much! Hi Terry, guess who was just in my office crying like a little baby? That fart face, Jim Deaver.
This is Jerry.
Jim Deaver just cried in our office.
Spread the word.
Carol, call Tom Jenkins in accounting.
And tell him that Jim deader just cried in our office! We just told three people what you just did in our office.
He's crying.
Go ahead and cry you He just shot himself.
My name is Ms.
Matthews, and this is ninth grade algebra.
And I'm sorry.
Is everyone here in the right class? Some of you look a lot older than 15? What? Come on, teach.
Don't be wack.
Really? Because if I didn't know better, I'd think you all were undercover narcotics agents posing as students.
- What? - That's crazy! Narc School School full of narcs Because of a mix-up at Vanderbilt high school There's no real students They're just cops undercover And they're looking for bad guys But there aren't any bad guys This week on Narc School.
Boy, algebra's hard.
I'd much rather be at a drug party.
A drug party.
I like the sound of that.
I think drugs are crunk.
Do you? Do you? Are you guys talking drugs? 'Cause I think drugs are bodacious.
I might know where to get some.
Do you? Do you? Look, class.
I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest.
Is everybody here a narc? Come on! - That's wack! - Teacher, no! I just hit puberty.
If you say so.
Does anyone know where I could score some I write so small.
Wipe-its? Whip-its.
Is that the same thing as pot? Because I like doing pot.
Snap.
I seem to have forgotten my crack cocaine pipe.
You're not students.
And you, your kid plays soccer with my son.
I wouldn't call what he does soccer.
All right, fine.
But nobody here is a narc? What if I told you that I had I don't know, drugs in my purse? Next week on Narc School So, you got a date to the prom? I'm married.
I mean, what? Let's all go together in my dodge caravan.
It seats eight.
Plenty of room for a drug party.
Or we could buy beer with my brother's license.
I know you guys are narcs.
Teacher.
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Why? New York, New York.
A sea of 8 million people.
But where do they go at night? Where do they go to unwind? Empire state building? Times square? Maybe if you're a tourist.
But if you're a real New Yorker, where you want to go is here! The Lower East Side.
The Kennel Club.
This has been the venue for such acts as Rowboat, the Belliman twins, the U-turn committee and Science Finger, to name just a few.
Tonight, Joshua Rainhorn.
He's known for his dynamic stage performances.
Leaving some of his audience members literally weeping.
End quote.
Looks like the show's about to start.
I'm gonna go get ready.
You're standing there Your silhouette Your dressing gown Wine and cigarettes With your Charlie Chaplin laugh All the mayors and politicians line up Just to dance a waltz with you When Rainhorn plays, we're no longer in New York.
We're on the island of Crete, teaching a young native boy how to dream.
We're in a garage watching our father cry.
We're an obese 15-year-old seeing ourselves naked for the first time.
She heard the angels coming This has been Trevor Dix with Joshua Rainhorn.
And this is another correspondence from The underground.
OK, guys.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
The train was late.
Listen, before we begin, can I please just take a moment and talk about the fall foliage? All the crimsons and golds and browns and golds and buttery golds and buttery browns? Did I say crimson? Love this time of year.
I love it.
You know? Fall's my jam.
Has anyone seen the fall foliage? Quick yes or no, starting with Tom.
Fall foliage? Go.
No one? Come on.
It's amazing.
You know what? I was seriously thinking of putting together a fall foliage getaway just for us, just for everyone in this room.
Go and see the browns and the golds and the buttery golds Who's interested? Start with Tom.
Go.
Hang on.
I don't think you understand what the fall foliage looks like because if you haven't seen it, you need to see it.
Toasted oranges, buttery rusts.
I tell you what, I'll pay all the expenses.
I'll rent a car.
I'll rent a van.
I'll rent a very large van so we can all get together, and I'll point out the different foliage that I think that everyone should be looking at.
And then after we've seen it, after we've seen this brilliant foliage, if there's still time, maybe we can go to a gourd farm, and pick some gourds.
Arrange them.
So, OK, who's in? Fall foliage? Yes, no? I have never met so many people who didn't want to go see the fall foliage in a group.
What the hell? What's wrong with you? People love to get in a group and talk about the fall foliage.
This is stuff that people love to do as a group! Good god! I'm your boss! This is crazy! Wait a second.
This is a joke, isn't it? Right? This is a joke.
Yes or no? Go.
You people are awful.
Awful, awful people.
I don't get it.
I really I just don't.
No one has even noticed my chestnut colored slacks and matching vest.
I'm not going to get mad, all right? Forget it.
I just want everyone to know that I am making a butternut squash soup tonight.
Five different kinds of squash.
I'm going to make enough for everybody.
There doesn't need to be, a yes or no.
It's just going to be here for everybody to enjoy, OK? And the fall foliage thing, we can get a van, you know.
You let me know.
You sleep on it.
Sorry, how long ago did he work here? I think, 13 years ago.
And he just comes back every fall? And no one ever goes with him? I went with him one year.
He allowed me to be raped.
But by who? By him.
He seemed so nice.
He was nice about it.
I can't wait to have his soup tomorrow.
Yes, you can.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Synch.
: So.
Relec.
: Boogawanga