Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e06 Episode Script
Scarlett Johansson and Arcade Fire
next on c-span, on Friday, President obama was in seoul, South korea, for the annual g-20 Conference where he met Privately with chinese president Hu jintao.
good afternoon.
Thank you.
Earlier today representatives of The world's 20 largest economies Concluded the full session of The annual g-20 conference.
After which president hu and I Were able to meet privately.
We had an extraordinarily frank And wide-ranging discussion on a Variety of topics from trade Practices to currency Devaluation to labor standards To global climate change.
I left convinced that relations Between the United States and China remain strong and will Only grow stronger.
President hu.
translator: Thank you, President obama.
President obama is absolutely Correct.
In our meeting, we spoke Candidly about a wide array of Issues.
Everything under the sun.
No topic was off limits.
You name it, we covered it.
In fact -- and correct me if I'm Wrong -- the only thing we Didn't talk about is the matter Of your country owing china a Great deal of money.
How about $800 billion, Actually.
Strangely, that is the one Subject we did not discuss.
the United States is well Aware of its debt to china.
translator: I kept waiting For you to bring it up.
And when you didn't, I thought To myself, did he already pay us Back and I just forgot? Or perhaps the money arrived After I left for this Conference.
But I checked with my office, And they haven't received it.
as president hu will recall, We discussed this issue a year Ago.
As I said at the time, the United states fully intends to Honor its debt.
translator: So did you bring The check? I promise you you're going to Get your money.
all right.
Then that's good enough for me.
But say, do you mind if we turn Off the lights? I'm sorry, I do not Understand.
I like to have the lights off When someone is doing sex to me! please, mr.
President.
Let's not have this again.
Obviously, it's no secret that My country's recovery from the Recession has been slower than Expected.
translator: We know all about Your economic problems.
That's why we were so surprised To see you embark on this Ten-day vacation to asia.
That is costing $200 million a Day.
now, hold on.
I don't know where you heard That, but this trip is not Costing $200 million a day.
that's not what glenn beck Says.
again, let me be clear.
Glenn beck has no idea what he's Talking about.
translator: He was right About buying gold.
I think we're getting off the Subject.
translator: My government Should have bought gold.
Unfortunately, all our assets Were tied up in u.
S.
Treasury Bills.
I know.
translator: I understand your Next stop is japan? that's right.
We leave for tokyo tonight.
translator: Please tell me You don't owe them money, too.
uh, mr.
President, my country Will repay all its foreign Vittwi Creditors.
translator: Okay.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm not worried anymore.
But just do me one favor.
Would you gently bite the back Of my neck? please, there's really no Need for this.
translator: I'll tell you why I ask.
I like to have my neck bitten When someone is doing sex to me! [ laughter .]
please, mr.
President.
translator: Tell me, when you Finish this trip and do finally Get back to america, exactly how Do you plan to restore your Nation's economy so we can get Our money? as I've said many times, the Solution to my country's Economic problems lies in the New green economy.
Good, high-paying green jobs are The answer.
translator: Green jobs.
yes.
Green jobs.
translator: Have you by any Chance mistaken me for miss Universe? I'm sorry? translator: Have you mistaken Me for miss universe? of course not.
translator: Then why do you Insist on doing sex to me as if I were miss universe? mr.
President, once again, There is really no need.
translator: You know, at a Certain point, it's not even About the $800 billion.
It's more the lack of respect.
mr.
President, don't do this.
translator: Go ahead.
Be as rough as you like.
I'm asking you to stop.
translator: You can pull my Hair or choke me, too.
I don't care anymore.
I just want it to be over.
mr.
President, please stop.
I beg of you.
translator: Very well.
We can continue this later.
In the meantime, live from new York, it's Saturday night! Night live"! With -- With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wiig Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killiam Nasim pedrad Jay pharaoh Musical guest arcade fire.
And your host, Scarlett johansson.
Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett johansson! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It is great to be hosting "Saturday night live" for a Third time.
It's an exciting time for me.
The movie "due date" opened last Week.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm not in it, but I'm excited About it.
I don't have any movies out Right now, so you may not have Seen me in a while because when I'm not promoting something, I Try to stay out of the tabloids.
I mean, I'm not perfect, but I Found there were a few simple Ways for a young celebrity to Keep a low profile.
Like for starters, wear Underwear.
I mean, why wouldn't you? It takes seconds to put on, and It's comfortable.
Underwear.
It's your friend.
Another way to keep cameras out Of your life, do not have a show Where you're followed around by Cameras.
That's an easy one.
And if you make a sex tape, you Are not allowed to act surprised When it ends up on the internet.
Sex tapes are like take-out soup Containers.
They always leak.
[ laughter .]
If you're desperate to watch Yourself have sex, use a mirror.
They're like cameras that Forget.
[ laughter .]
Which makes me wonder, why can't Celebrities keep it together These days? You know, it reminds me of a Song from the musical, "chicago.
" I should sing it for you Sometime.
Oh, what the hell, I'll do it Now.
whatever happened to Please may I And yes thank you And how charming now every son of a bitch Is a snake in the grass Whatever happened to class hey, scarlett.
oh, it's lindsay lohan's Mother, dina.
[ cheers and applause .]
I like your song and I'm Joining in.
[ laughter .]
whatever happened to Yes mommy Thank you mother And don't blame the mother now everyone's Throwing stones From a house made of glass whatever happened to class do you mind if I chime in? hey, everyone, it's ke$ha.
[ laughter .]
What are you doing here? I don't know, I woke up here.
[ laughter .]
we were just saying that no One has any class anymore.
girls today wouldn't know Class if it tried to kiss them And puked in their mouth.
oh there ain't no gentlemen To open up the doors There ain't no ladies now There's only pigs and whores and even kids will knock you Down so they can pass Nobody's got no class people get their news Today from tmz every girl's made a sex tape For free nobody's got no class Every girl is a fool Every guy is a tool holy shiz, holy shiz What a shame What a shame what became of class dina lohan and ke$ha! [ applause .]
Oh, and I do have a sex tape out There somewhere.
If you find it, godspeed.
We've got a great show tonight.
Arcade fire is here.
[ cheers and applause .]
So, stick around and we'll be Right back.
from mtv, the network that Brought you "16 and pregnant" And "teen mom" comes a Groundbreaking new series that Explores what it means to be Young, pregnant and fabulous? It's "my super sweet 16 and Pregnant.
" I'm rich, I'm beautiful and I'm fully dilated.
This is going to be the best Party ever.
go janice.
Go janice.
and it gets even more Pregnant.
Get ready for "america's best Pregnant dance crew" hosted by America's favorite dilf, mario Lopez.
from albuquerque, new mexico, Give it up for stretch marks.
[ cheers .]
and there's so much more.
Nick cannon presents "wild and Out" featuring special guest Star, a baby.
hey, baby, you think you're All that when you stroller roll Past me, I smelled your Diaper, son.
That was nasty.
plus, if you like "cribs," Then you'll love "cribs.
" here it is.
and finally, from the makers Of "jersey shore," it's "I'm Snooki and pregnant.
" there's a freaking baby in Here! mtv, maternity television.
[ applause .]
you're watching bravo.
Up next, "millionaire Matchmaker.
" love.
Everyone wants it.
But not everyone finds it.
That's why they come to me.
Who am I? Shut up! I'm the millionaire matchmaker.
Okay, everybody.
Shut up! What goomba jew are we helping This week? Mohawk, go.
actually, our millionaire This week is a woman.
she's a lawyer, she's 33.
okay, weird girl, just show Me her tape.
hi.
I'm candace.
I'm 33 years young.
My net worth is $5 million and Rising.
So, holla! no wonder she's single.
She looks like an ass fraggle.
I guess my ideal guy is, Like, a jock or a beefcake, like A ripped guy with muscles.
Like sometimes I'll see the Cover of "men's health" and say "oh, there's a nice piece of Ham.
" [ light laughter .]
okay, this girl only likes Guys who are way out of her League.
She's in a fantasy land.
I can't help people like that.
There is no way I'm working with Her.
Let's go meet her right now.
[ laughter .]
Candace is a sweet girl with a Lot of great qualities, who Happens to look like a dog dump.
This girl needs my help.
Today.
Okay.
What are you looking for in a Man? I guess my dream guy would be Like brad pitt if he was cuter And didn't have any children.
[ light laughter .]
candace, look at me.
You have champagne taste and an Ass face.
[ laughter .]
Right now, your bar is way up Here, and you need to put the Bar here.
So it covers your face.
[ laughter .]
patty's so insightful.
She's like oprah if oprah was White and really horrible to be Around.
[ laughter .]
so what do you do when you See a cute guy? I'll kind of wink at him and Move my shoulders in a sexy, Come-hither way.
show me.
[ laughter .]
you look like a visible fart.
[ laughter .]
You know, I tell most girls "play hard to get," but for you, If a guy takes it out, you sit On it.
[ laughter .]
After all my coaching, candace Was as ready as she'd ever be.
So I rounded up some nice, Eligible guys perfect for Someone like her.
Okay.
These guys are the best you can Hope for.
Which one do you like? [ laughter .]
so do any of you guys, like, Work out or play sports? I'm in a softball league at Work.
oh.
Really? oh, yeah.
It's pretty fun.
aren't you just a sweet piece Of ham? laughter .]
that's it.
No more mole people.
Did candace find true love? Who knows? Who cares? Shut up.
you are watching telecentro Tv dominicana.
At 6:00, cooking with papaya Juice followed by the weather.
But first, "the manuel ortiz Show.
" hola.
Welcome to my show.
I'm manuel ortiz.
And I'm here to help you with Whatever it is you're going Through.
And if I cannot, I am very, very Sorry.
My first guest has a secret she Has told no one.
Please welcome jasmine rios.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
beuneos dias, senora.
y tu, manuel, y tu.
so, what is this secret you Have told no one? there is a chance this baby May not be my husband's baby.
how big a chance? I would say pretty big.
I see.
How about we bring him out.
Please welcome ace rios.
[ applause .]
my friend, your wife has Something she wants to tell you.
ace, this baby may not be Your baby.
okay.
[ laughter .]
okay? okay.
it might be your best friend Dexter's baby.
okay.
[ laughter .]
Jasmine, are you okay with ace Being okay? I'm split.
would you feel better if I Told you dexter rojas was in the Studio? Let's bring him out.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
hola, everyone.
Hola.
to have fun, to meet new People? no.
no? jasmine has something very Important to tell you.
dexter, I might be carrying Your baby.
so this is why.
there is also someone else Who would like to see you.
[ laughter .]
Your girlfriend.
no, not her.
please welcome Rosita consuelos.
[ applause .]
Rosita, you seem very upset.
I watch you backstage, and I'm saying to myself, "this must Be lies.
" Estupido, I will kill you! security! No! Security! [ applause .]
[ laughter .]
so, jasmine, we have Conducted a paternity test.
Would you like to know what we Found out? si, this is the reason.
nurse monica, can you please Bring out the results? [ applause .]
[ laughter .]
is it me or is the music too Fast? Okay, jeremy, we got to get that Fixed.
Nurse monica, tell us who the Baby's father is.
the resultas indicate the Padre is -- wait.
The baby, it cannot be mine.
Because my peepee don't work.
see, his flauta is flaccid.
so, do I still need to read The resultas or -- no, nurse monica, you do not.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Jeremy, we have to get that Fixed.
I'm being told we need to go to A commercial break.
When we return, hopefully I will Be able to help jasmine and ace Put their lives back together.
And if I cannot, I am very, very Sorry.
[ applause .]
so you my new partner, huh? I didn't know I was running a Day-care center.
yeah, well, I didn't know I Was working in a retirement Home.
[ light laughter .]
all right.
we have an unmanned train With eight freight cars with Hazardous chemicals rolling into A highly populated area with no Air brakes.
It's not a train.
It's a missile the size of the Chrysler building.
ha-ha, let's do this, rookie.
don't call me rookie, old Man.
I know trains! where you learn trains, huh? Thomas the tank engine? and where did you learn Trains, old man? From inventing them? [ laughter .]
guys, we need you to stop That train now.
it gets worse.
it's on a collision course With a train full of kids on a Field trip.
it gets worse.
the field trip was to a Petroleum refinery, and they all Brought home souvenir gasoline.
That's enough to hold hands in a Circle around the chrysler Building.
what are we gonna do? relax, rugrat, don't soil Your diaper, huh.
don't soil your depends, old Man.
[ laughter .]
ha-ha-ha! You see, he's insulting me, and I'm allowing it.
guys, what's the status? it seems we're coming to a Begrudging respect for each Other.
When we met, we focused on our Differences.
now it appears we have more In common than we thought.
now, what did you want to Say? a nursing Home shuttle bus got stuck on The track.
boom! [ laughter .]
there's got to be a way to Stop it.
we're trying to figure that Out, but we're going through 100 years of files.
It's like trying to find a Needle in the chrysler building.
you're too youg! you're too old! I love this guy.
Okay.
here's the worst news yet.
There was a train on top of the Runaway train that's moving even Faster than the first train.
That's like a chrysler building On top of a chrysler building.
chug-a-chug-a choo-choo.
good news.
We were able to get the runaway On the emergency track.
where does that go? 42nd and lexington in New york.
that's the chrysler building.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
scarlett johansson, look at You.
sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy.
whoa! Look at you.
More like scarlett jo-handsome.
good nickname.
[ light laughter .]
I'm brady trump.
and I'm anastasia sticks.
Thanks so much for doing this Interview.
I'm thrilled.
I love "hollywood dish.
" and we love you.
Now.
He's very good.
Yeah, anyway, are we ready to Get started? How did you feel about your tony Award? I've got to be honest.
I was not expecting that at all.
Being on stage in new york, it's Such an incredible feeling.
The whole experience was Magical.
I want to do it all over again.
I'm sorry, is there something Wrong? oh, no, you're doing fine.
We can't talk while you're Talking.
but we want to encourage you.
oesh, okay.
I see.
I have to ask, what was it Like working with woody allen? at first I was so intimidated By him.
I mean because he's such an Icon.
He's made so many amazing films.
Now we have such a great Relationship between us.
No, not like that.
We're friends.
now, you were in "lost in Translation.
" Do you know any japanese? I can say, like, one thing.
[ speaking japanese .]
oh, that sounds romantic.
it means where's the Bathroom.
oh.
Do it.
do it again.
[ speaking japanese .]
okay.
Do it more shy like.
[ speaking japanese .]
oh no.
Bigger.
Use your arms.
[ speaking japanese .]
okay.
are we -- are we almost done Here? oh, hang on.
Hang on.
I've got to ask you this, okay? Your husband, ryan reynolds, has Some pretty big muscles.
Is he big everywhere? what do you mean? does he have a big -- [ whistles .]
[ laughter .]
excuse me? we're talking about his -- I'm not answering that.
come on.
We're just talking about his -- stop, stop.
I know exactly what you're Talking about, and there is no Way I'm going To discuss my husband's penis.
whoa, our moms are here.
Right behind us.
you know what? I'm sorry.
I don'tean to be rude.
I think I should probably just Go.
wait, one last question, not Personal at all.
we're asking everybody.
Just tell us how excited you are For the next and probably final Version of "the jersey shore.
" you know, I've never seen That show.
I just don't watch a lot of Reality television.
[ laughter .]
you have great skin.
What's your secret? well, I make sure I never go To bed with makeup on, and I Live for sunblock.
The big secret is, I -- okay.
Are you two even listening to Me? Okay.
I'm officially annoyed and Officially leaving.
I can't believe I went on this Stupid show.
I'm going to fire my publicist.
Thank you for a junky time.
wow.
she is so cool.
cool chick.
Laid back.
oh, love her.
tonight on "hollywood Dish" -- has starjo lost her mind? at first I was so intimidated By my husband's penis.
is hollywood gaga missing? next on "the hollywood dish.
" ladies and gentlemen, Arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause .]
I used to write I used to write letters I used to sign my name I used to sleep at night before the flashing lights Settled deep in my brain But by the time we met By the time we met the times had already changed So I never wrote a letter I never took my true heart I never wrote it down so when the lights cut out I was left standing in the Wilderness downtown Now our lives are changing fast Now our lives are Changing fast Hope that something pure can last Hope that something pure Can last It seems strange how we used to wait For letters to arrive But what's stranger still Is how something so small can keep you alive We used to wait We used to waste hours Just walking around we used to wait All those wasted lives In the wilderness downtown oh we used to wait Oh we used to wait Oh we used to wait Sometimes it never came sometimes it never came We used to wait Still moving through The pain I'm gonna write a letter To my true love I'm gonna sign my name Like a patient on a table I wanna walk again Gonna move through the pain Now our lives are Changing fast now our lives are Changing fast Hope that something pure Can last hope that something pure Can last Oh we used to wait Oh we used to wait oh we used to wait Sometimes it never came We used to wait Sometimes it never came we used to wait Still moving through The pain We used to wait we used to wait We used to wait Oh yes We used to wait for it we used to wait for it Now we're screaming Sing the chorus again we used to wait for it We used to wait for it Now we're screaming Sing the chorus again I used to wait for it I used to wait for it Hear my voice screaming Sing the chorus again wait for it Wait for it Wait for it [ cheers and applause .]
Making friends with other moms Has "weekend update" with Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm seth meyers, and here are Tonight's top stories.
An article on "huffington post" Yesterday claimed that several Passages of george wncht bush's New memoir "decision points" Were lifted from other books Including several written by his Advisers which explains why he Spent much of the book Complaining about his boss.
one of the new proposals from A bipartisan commission released Wednesday suggested that in Order to bring down the deficit, The government would need to Raise the retirement age to 69 By the year 2075.
So the next time a baby is Crying on your flight, it's Probably because they just found Out they're gonna have to work Until they're 69 in new china.
[ laughter .]
speaking in a video for an Ad campaign aimed at ending the Bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy mccain, the wife of Senator john mccain, broke with Her husband and called for the Repeal of "don't ask, don't Tell.
" Mccain says he and his wife have Disagreed on other issues too.
Things like, "where am I and What the hell's going on?" [ laughter .]
the dallas cowboys Monday Fired head coach wade phillips After the 1-7 start this season.
Wow, a brand-new house, a rapid Downward spiral and now Unemployment.
They really are america's team.
this week, kanye west Apologized to former president George w.
Bush for saying he Doesn't care about black people During hurricane katrina.
While the president said he Forgave kanye.
Here to explain are George w.
Bush and kanye west.
[ cheers and applause .]
Good to see you, kanye.
I mean, what's up, fam? so everything's good with you Guys? I know, we had problems and Now we solved those problems.
Yeah, fam.
absolutely.
I love kanye.
I do.
kanye and w.
best of friends united by Forgiveness yo recognize, haters.
yo, haters.
Come on, recognize.
I wouldn't have thought you Guys had that much in common.
sure, we do.
We're both rich.
We're both impulsive.
I mean, he interrupted taylor Swift at an awards show.
that's true.
I interrupted how well our Country was doing for eight Years.
that's right, fam, that's Right.
No time for haters.
that's right.
Kanye's even got me doing the Twister.
twitter.
twitter, I'm sorry about That.
Fam.
You know, he was teaching me how To tweet.
And I really like it because It's short.
You just kind of puke out Whatever's on your mind.
It's also real lenient on Grammar, and I like that.
hey, tell them your twitter, Fam.
sure.
I call myself not so curious George.
I don't know if you get it.
I didn't get it initially, but I Get it now.
so I have to ask, have you Guys actually been hanging out? well, yes.
Yes, fam.
I took him sunglass shopping.
that's right.
I needed glasses to help me with All the squinting.
That's when I bought these bad Boys.
Look at that.
They're designer brand called Guckies.
no, it's gucci.
gucci.
I also went down to crawford to Clear brush.
I thought clearing brush was A white people's term for going To a club and picking up ugly Bitches.
honest mistake.
Honest mistake.
This guy's a hoot.
You know, I love black people.
I love them.
president bush and kanye West, everyone.
while in israel this week, Pamela anderson met with Orthodox lawmakers in an effort To get them to endorse an animal Rights bill that would limit the Production of traditional fur Hats worn by hasidic jews.
Anderson suggested they wear Regular hats with just a little Strip of fur down the middle.
a new study shows that Drowsy driving is responsible For nearly 17% of all driving Fatalities.
That's a lot of blood on your Hands, prairie home companion.
a woman in florida and her Boyfriend were arrested after They allegedly tried to sell her Infant grandson for $30,000.
Florida, where grandmas have Boyfriends.
a new survey from "travel & lee sure" lists Charleston first in politeness And philadelphia, pennsylvania, As also a city.
a fire on the carnival Cruise ship splendor left over 3,000 passengers stranded in the Pacific ocean without air Conditioning, hot food or Working toilets for three days.
Joining us now to tell us about Their ordeal aboard the ship, Passengers frank and gladys Madden.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you guys for coming.
you're welcome.
Hello.
okay.
So mr.
And mrs.
Madden, I can't Even begin to imagine what an Ordeal that trip was like.
it was horrible.
It was a nightmare.
okay.
So tell us about the cruise.
where do I begin? When we book our cruises, we Always book the junior suite Which has a queen bed and couch.
We show up, and we are in a Junior sleeper which has a queen Bed.
I go to open the window.
There is no window.
I'm furious.
okay.
Well, those actually seem to be Complaints about the cruise Itself.
What about the fire and the Power outage? I'll get to that.
Morning of the second day, I go To the gym to use the stepper.
One of my few pleasures in life.
I walk in only to find there is A jumping class.
You heard me, a jumping class.
Middle-aged heavy women jumping.
I turn around, go right back to My room.
that sounds awful.
But surely things got worse when The power went out.
things got worse.
The next night at dinner.
Seth, I've learned not to expect Much from life.
But when you book a carnival Cruise, you expect the dessert Menu to include caramel flan.
We get to dessert, and the Waiter says, "for dessert, we Have three types of ice cream.
" That's funny because at home, I Have five types of ice cream.
He goes -- and I berated him.
and rightly so.
Frank, can you tell us about the Power outage? here's another one.
I signed us up for a couples' Cha-cha class.
This one plays hooky.
I find him at the casino sitting At the $5 baccarat table.
The jewish james bond over here.
what happened when the power Went out? day three.
I take a lunesta.
Put on my eye shade.
Power goes out.
Alarm never goes off.
I sleep for three days.
And I wake up in san diego being Interviewed by wolf blitzer.
Who I do not care for.
frank, you let her sleep for Three days? wouldn't you? gladys and frank madden, Everybody.
[ applause .]
voters in rhode island Rejected a proposition last week To change the state's official Name from state of rhode island And providence plantations to Just rhode island, but I think People are just going to keep Calling it connecticut's Foreskin.
a man in pennsylvania was Arrested after he smoked Marijuana in the hospital to Celebrate the birth of his Child.
Celebrate or cope with? the first ever starbucks at Sea was opened this week on a Royal caribbean cruise ship, and Somehow there's already a Homeless guy in the bathroom.
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers! Good night! and now back to -- St.
Kat's middle school.
hey, what's up, guys? How's it hanging? Am I right? hey marvin, how did your knee Surgery go? oh, no problems here.
Doc said I'll be up and walking In no time.
hey marvin, what did you Think of mr.
Conklin's lecture On the power of positive Thinking today? oh, I totally enjoyed it.
With positive thinking, you can Do anything.
yeah.
exactly.
maybe if marvin used positive Thinking, he could walk.
yeah! I don't know, you guys.
I have a broken knee.
you'll never know if you Don't try.
you know what? You're absolutely right.
Okay.
Help me out of this wheelchair.
Okay.
Here we go.
Dang! Get out of here! Leave me! You talked me into this! Go away! Go away! I need to heal! Leave me by myself! I'm sorry, marvin.
I guess I thought our positive Thinking would help you walk Again.
I have a broken knee.
Get out of here! I hope marvin doesn't hate Us.
he hit the ground so hard on His face.
hey, guys.
marvin.
marvin, you're not mad at us For yesterday, are you? no.
I'm mad at myself for allowing Me to talk me into walking with A broken knee.
Deep down I knew it wasn't a Good idea.
hey, marvin, what did you Think of mr.
Conklin's anything Is possible lecture today? it was good.
I mean, most things are possible Within reason.
marvin, I've been meaning to Ask you, would you want to go to The fall dance with me? sure, I'll go with you.
I won't be able to dance, you Know.
The broken knee.
hey, but what about the Lecture? Anything is possible? in this case, it's not.
Because my knee's broken.
I bet if we played music, you Wouldn't be saying that.
well, I think I'd be saying That music or no music.
hit the music! come on, guys.
Let's get marvin out of this Wheelchair.
three, two, one.
I told you! You don't listen! My knee! You knew about my knee! Why won't y'all listen to me? Just get out of here! Leave me alone! Leave me alone, I tell you! Go away! Go away! man, if marvin ever forgives Us, we'll be so super lucky.
hey, how's is hanging, guys? marvin! marvin, we are way sorry.
I just thought about us dancing Together and nothing else.
yeah.
I thought about it long and Hard, too.
This morning when I was working My way out of the tub.
You guys arey best friends.
You just don't understand what Broken knees are bp p about.
I'm partially to blame for that.
what did you think of mr.
Conklin's lecture, the sky's the Limit? I thought it was reckless.
Reckless and irresponsible.
it's time for mini tramp Exercis Exercises.
I think marvin should go First because the sky's the Limit.
you can't be serious.
yeah, kids, marvin can't jump On the trampoline, right? if marvin doesn't jump, no Of us jump.
where is your brain? In your butt? okay, okay, okay.
You win.
Marvin, you can jump.
I don't want to jump! You're a teacher! Don't let this happen! come on, guys.
Let's get him on the tramp.
no.
marvin! go away! Leave me be! Leave me to my regrets! Go away! You're animals! All of you! Beasts, I tell you! Get away from my face! You don't listen! My knee is broken! Where's your common sense? Go away.
marvin.
get out of here! next on the day's agenda, a Very, very special treat.
The winners of our model u.
N.
Competition are going to address The general assembly and present Their thoughts on world history.
So please welcome.
[ applause hello.
Based on our hours logged Deliberating at the model u.
N.
, Here are our key thoughts on World history thus far.
2,3,4 -- the holocaust What was that? Hiroshima What was that? terrorism What is that all about? Slavery? Come on guys vietnam What was that? Nanking massacre That totally sucked! and rwanda Real mature, guys! Tiananmen square Give me a break! the inquisition What was that? The khmer rouge So bogus! armenian genocide Unacceptable! Ethnic cleansing Talk to the hand! apartheid What was that?! Get it together guys! You're blowing it! the middle east Quit goofin' around! And these oil spills Hit the showers! darfur What are you guys doing? but dancing -- That'll set your whole Shake it off and dance and dance your troubles away fight off the evil because it can't ruin our Day now rip your shirt wide open And dance come on you guys dance with a boy and a girl we're all just people stand up you've got to [ bleep .]
and Save the world what was that? hi, y'all.
I'm paula deen, and you know my Favorite two ingredients to cook With are butter and oil.
But some people don't want all That fat in their food.
That's why I'm introducing my New product.
Paula deen's big old soak 'em Paper towels, for when you want To get the fat out of your good Old southern food.
They are eight ply, y'all.
They really suck on up all that Butter and oil that y just Don't wa getting on your Little ticker.
Watch this, y'all.
I'm going to put one of my Famous butter-crusted drizzler Biscuits on a big old piece of Soak 'em.
And I'm just gonna let it sit There like a frog on a log.
Let's wait ten seconds.
[ laughter .]
Now, look at that.
Laughter .]
That big old biscuit got all the Butter and oil just soaked on Right out of it.
Now that biscuit is a lot More healthy, y'all.
Also, it tastes like [ bleep .]
.
[ laughter .]
Look, y'all, just between you, Me and the chickens, I have to Suggest this oil draining Because health professionals are Really backing up my back bumper About my food making little Children fat.
I was a fat child and look how I Turned out.
I'm on tv, and I have a real Foxy husband.
He is santalicious.
I'd love to sit on his lap.
And you should see how fat my Little grandbaby boy is.
He is like a string of plump Little sausages with a diaper on It.
I just want to bite him.
He better watch it or I'm going To put him in the fryer and Serve him up on a bed of Buttered noodles.
[ laughter .]
Oh, it is as hot as the devil's Danglers in this kitchen.
Oh, my mercy me.
[ laughter .]
I am giving off some body butter Today.
Y'all, please go buy you some of These soak 'em so people will Get off my double bubble.
I'm going to take a heat lamp and put it on my face on my sun Porch.
I'd better put down a soak 'em Or I'm going to ruin my pillows.
Love y'all! once again, arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause .]
they heard me singing And they told me to stop Quit these pretentious things And just punch the clock these days my life I feel it has no purpose But late at night the Feelings swim to the surface 'cause on the surface The city lights shine They're calling at me come and find your kind Sometimes I wonder if The world's so small That we can never get away from the sprawl Living in the sprawl Dead shopping malls rise Like mountains beyond mountains And there's no end in sight I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights We rode our bikes To the nearest park Sat under the swings and kissed in the dark We shield our eyes From the police lights We run away but we don't know why On the black river The city lights shine They're screaming at us we don't need your kind Sometimes I wonder if The world's so small That we can never get away from the sprawl Living in the sprawl Dead shopping malls rise like Mountains beyond mountains and there's no end in sight I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights they heard me singing And they told me to stop Quit these pretentious things And just punch the clock sometimes I wonder if The world's so small Can we ever get away From the sprawl? living in the sprawl Dead shopping malls rise like Mountains beyond mountains And there's no end in sight I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights [ cheers and applause .]
tlc presents "stars of Tomorrow.
" I travel all over the country Looking for talented kids.
You never know where you'll find The next abigail breslin.
And I still remember the night I Went to akron, ohio, to see 11-year-old laura parsons.
from the moment laura was Born, we knew she had something Special.
She was a very expressive baby.
She would, like, cry when she Wanted something.
We always knew she was amazing.
But at that first audition, she Did a piece from "a few good Men," she Let everyone know.
son, we live in a world that Has walls.
Those walls have to be guarded By men with guns.
Who's going to do it? You -- you -- you want the Truth? You can't handle the truth.
we have a word in the Theater.
Show-stopper.
That audition got her the Lead in some of the top kids' Touring productions like "rocking red riding hood" and The mary-kate and ashley Classic, "how the west was fun.
" she was the only name in kids Theater for a long time.
And then -- and then one day, Everything changed.
amanda starr was just a poor 11-year-old kid from bethesda.
But when she hit that stage, Boom! Fireworks.
Amanda's audition for "on the Waterfront" had everyone Talking.
you don't understand.
I could have had class.
I could have been a contender.
I could have been somebody.
Instead of a bum which is what I Am.
Let's face it.
It was you, charlie.
that's when the rivalry Started.
And it was -- it was so hard.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
But laura stayed strong and took Care of the both of us.
I really wanted to work with Laura and man da butdy but I co.
It was an all-african-american Cast, so I had no use for either Of the girls.
they never thought she had a Shot until they saw laura Perform the character bubba from "forrest gump.
" you ever been on a real Shrimp boat? I'm talking about a shrimping Boat.
I've been working on shrimp Boats all my life.
People call me bubba.
Just like one of them redneck Boys.
Can you believe that? Anyway, like I was saying, Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.
You can barbecue it, boil it, Broil it, make shrimp soup, Shrimp stew, shrimp and Potatoes.
And that's -- that's about it.
[ laughter .]
oh, yes, they pushed each Other.
Once mandy heard that laura was Auditioning for an African-american part, she knew What she had to do.
Sophie from "the color purple.
" all my life I had to fight.
I had to fight my daddy.
I had to fight my uncles.
I had to fight my brothers.
A girl travelling safe in a Family of men.
But I ain't never thought I'd Have to fight in my own house.
I loved harpo.
God knows I do.
But I'll kill him dead before I Let him beat me.
amanda and laura were the Biggest names.
We had no choice.
We cast mandy in the part of Mama and laura as her husband, Walter.
of course, it was a Sensation.
People talked about it for Weeks.
That's when laura and mandy Realized it was better to work Together than as rivals.
In their next project, they Decided to collaborate.
if you'd have told me that Our company was going to do a Stage version of "brokeback Mountain," I would have been Skeptical.
But then you said that the lead Roles of the two gay cowboys Will be played by 11-year-old Girls, I would tell you it can't Be done.
why didn't you just let me Be? It's because of you, jack twist, That I'd like this.
I'm nothing.
I'm nowhere.
I can't stand being like this no More.
I tell you what, we could Have had a good life together, But you didn't want it, ennis.
So what we've got now is Brokeback mountain.
You have no idea how bad it Gets.
A couple every year.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
opening night was a Ten-minute standing ovation.
We have a word in theater, Gaymazing.
That was double gaymazing.
ceramic busts.
Nothing says I'm a millionaire More than ceramic busts.
You want to start rumors that You come from a rich family? Get yourself some ceramic busts.
Fill your house with them.
You like having orange juice and Toast for breakfast? Try having it with ceramic Busts.
Now you're eating in a european Museum.
You're doing a bunch of work on Your computer at home? Put a ceramic bust on it.
Pretty soon you'll be logging on To those yacht websites.
You like freshening up in the Bathroom? Freshen up with ceramic busts Everywhere.
You're going to think you're Washing your hands in the white House.
And I mean the top floor.
You've got to get yourself these Ceramic busts.
It's people from all over History.
France, greece, shakespeare.
[ light laughter .]
People are going to look at These and think you own a Mercedes.
Don't believe me? Try asking my daughter, lexi.
come on.
Just get these already.
Don't you want people to look Into your house and say, "whoa.
That must be a family of brain Surgeons.
I bet they listen to classical Music every day.
" Look at this one.
Who is that? Sir isaac newton? Who's that one? Beethoven? Is that one zeus? Everyone's going to see these And go, "god, they probably have A tennis court back there behind The bushes.
" I mean, imagine waking up and The first thing you see is a Face like this one.
Or that one.
Or this one.
Or that one.
these things have no arms and No legs.
So they're not going anywhere.
Plus, every customer gets a free Copy of "the kama sutra.
" You know what that's about, Right? I insist, you should really get Yourself some ceramic busts.
Come to mike's bustaria on Central avenue.
[ cheers and applause .]
you've gotta get yourself some ceramic busts.
thanks to arcade fire! Thank you so much for watching.
Thanks to "snl" cast and crew.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Good night!
good afternoon.
Thank you.
Earlier today representatives of The world's 20 largest economies Concluded the full session of The annual g-20 conference.
After which president hu and I Were able to meet privately.
We had an extraordinarily frank And wide-ranging discussion on a Variety of topics from trade Practices to currency Devaluation to labor standards To global climate change.
I left convinced that relations Between the United States and China remain strong and will Only grow stronger.
President hu.
translator: Thank you, President obama.
President obama is absolutely Correct.
In our meeting, we spoke Candidly about a wide array of Issues.
Everything under the sun.
No topic was off limits.
You name it, we covered it.
In fact -- and correct me if I'm Wrong -- the only thing we Didn't talk about is the matter Of your country owing china a Great deal of money.
How about $800 billion, Actually.
Strangely, that is the one Subject we did not discuss.
the United States is well Aware of its debt to china.
translator: I kept waiting For you to bring it up.
And when you didn't, I thought To myself, did he already pay us Back and I just forgot? Or perhaps the money arrived After I left for this Conference.
But I checked with my office, And they haven't received it.
as president hu will recall, We discussed this issue a year Ago.
As I said at the time, the United states fully intends to Honor its debt.
translator: So did you bring The check? I promise you you're going to Get your money.
all right.
Then that's good enough for me.
But say, do you mind if we turn Off the lights? I'm sorry, I do not Understand.
I like to have the lights off When someone is doing sex to me! please, mr.
President.
Let's not have this again.
Obviously, it's no secret that My country's recovery from the Recession has been slower than Expected.
translator: We know all about Your economic problems.
That's why we were so surprised To see you embark on this Ten-day vacation to asia.
That is costing $200 million a Day.
now, hold on.
I don't know where you heard That, but this trip is not Costing $200 million a day.
that's not what glenn beck Says.
again, let me be clear.
Glenn beck has no idea what he's Talking about.
translator: He was right About buying gold.
I think we're getting off the Subject.
translator: My government Should have bought gold.
Unfortunately, all our assets Were tied up in u.
S.
Treasury Bills.
I know.
translator: I understand your Next stop is japan? that's right.
We leave for tokyo tonight.
translator: Please tell me You don't owe them money, too.
uh, mr.
President, my country Will repay all its foreign Vittwi Creditors.
translator: Okay.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm not worried anymore.
But just do me one favor.
Would you gently bite the back Of my neck? please, there's really no Need for this.
translator: I'll tell you why I ask.
I like to have my neck bitten When someone is doing sex to me! [ laughter .]
please, mr.
President.
translator: Tell me, when you Finish this trip and do finally Get back to america, exactly how Do you plan to restore your Nation's economy so we can get Our money? as I've said many times, the Solution to my country's Economic problems lies in the New green economy.
Good, high-paying green jobs are The answer.
translator: Green jobs.
yes.
Green jobs.
translator: Have you by any Chance mistaken me for miss Universe? I'm sorry? translator: Have you mistaken Me for miss universe? of course not.
translator: Then why do you Insist on doing sex to me as if I were miss universe? mr.
President, once again, There is really no need.
translator: You know, at a Certain point, it's not even About the $800 billion.
It's more the lack of respect.
mr.
President, don't do this.
translator: Go ahead.
Be as rough as you like.
I'm asking you to stop.
translator: You can pull my Hair or choke me, too.
I don't care anymore.
I just want it to be over.
mr.
President, please stop.
I beg of you.
translator: Very well.
We can continue this later.
In the meantime, live from new York, it's Saturday night! Night live"! With -- With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wiig Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killiam Nasim pedrad Jay pharaoh Musical guest arcade fire.
And your host, Scarlett johansson.
Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett johansson! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It is great to be hosting "Saturday night live" for a Third time.
It's an exciting time for me.
The movie "due date" opened last Week.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm not in it, but I'm excited About it.
I don't have any movies out Right now, so you may not have Seen me in a while because when I'm not promoting something, I Try to stay out of the tabloids.
I mean, I'm not perfect, but I Found there were a few simple Ways for a young celebrity to Keep a low profile.
Like for starters, wear Underwear.
I mean, why wouldn't you? It takes seconds to put on, and It's comfortable.
Underwear.
It's your friend.
Another way to keep cameras out Of your life, do not have a show Where you're followed around by Cameras.
That's an easy one.
And if you make a sex tape, you Are not allowed to act surprised When it ends up on the internet.
Sex tapes are like take-out soup Containers.
They always leak.
[ laughter .]
If you're desperate to watch Yourself have sex, use a mirror.
They're like cameras that Forget.
[ laughter .]
Which makes me wonder, why can't Celebrities keep it together These days? You know, it reminds me of a Song from the musical, "chicago.
" I should sing it for you Sometime.
Oh, what the hell, I'll do it Now.
whatever happened to Please may I And yes thank you And how charming now every son of a bitch Is a snake in the grass Whatever happened to class hey, scarlett.
oh, it's lindsay lohan's Mother, dina.
[ cheers and applause .]
I like your song and I'm Joining in.
[ laughter .]
whatever happened to Yes mommy Thank you mother And don't blame the mother now everyone's Throwing stones From a house made of glass whatever happened to class do you mind if I chime in? hey, everyone, it's ke$ha.
[ laughter .]
What are you doing here? I don't know, I woke up here.
[ laughter .]
we were just saying that no One has any class anymore.
girls today wouldn't know Class if it tried to kiss them And puked in their mouth.
oh there ain't no gentlemen To open up the doors There ain't no ladies now There's only pigs and whores and even kids will knock you Down so they can pass Nobody's got no class people get their news Today from tmz every girl's made a sex tape For free nobody's got no class Every girl is a fool Every guy is a tool holy shiz, holy shiz What a shame What a shame what became of class dina lohan and ke$ha! [ applause .]
Oh, and I do have a sex tape out There somewhere.
If you find it, godspeed.
We've got a great show tonight.
Arcade fire is here.
[ cheers and applause .]
So, stick around and we'll be Right back.
from mtv, the network that Brought you "16 and pregnant" And "teen mom" comes a Groundbreaking new series that Explores what it means to be Young, pregnant and fabulous? It's "my super sweet 16 and Pregnant.
" I'm rich, I'm beautiful and I'm fully dilated.
This is going to be the best Party ever.
go janice.
Go janice.
and it gets even more Pregnant.
Get ready for "america's best Pregnant dance crew" hosted by America's favorite dilf, mario Lopez.
from albuquerque, new mexico, Give it up for stretch marks.
[ cheers .]
and there's so much more.
Nick cannon presents "wild and Out" featuring special guest Star, a baby.
hey, baby, you think you're All that when you stroller roll Past me, I smelled your Diaper, son.
That was nasty.
plus, if you like "cribs," Then you'll love "cribs.
" here it is.
and finally, from the makers Of "jersey shore," it's "I'm Snooki and pregnant.
" there's a freaking baby in Here! mtv, maternity television.
[ applause .]
you're watching bravo.
Up next, "millionaire Matchmaker.
" love.
Everyone wants it.
But not everyone finds it.
That's why they come to me.
Who am I? Shut up! I'm the millionaire matchmaker.
Okay, everybody.
Shut up! What goomba jew are we helping This week? Mohawk, go.
actually, our millionaire This week is a woman.
she's a lawyer, she's 33.
okay, weird girl, just show Me her tape.
hi.
I'm candace.
I'm 33 years young.
My net worth is $5 million and Rising.
So, holla! no wonder she's single.
She looks like an ass fraggle.
I guess my ideal guy is, Like, a jock or a beefcake, like A ripped guy with muscles.
Like sometimes I'll see the Cover of "men's health" and say "oh, there's a nice piece of Ham.
" [ light laughter .]
okay, this girl only likes Guys who are way out of her League.
She's in a fantasy land.
I can't help people like that.
There is no way I'm working with Her.
Let's go meet her right now.
[ laughter .]
Candace is a sweet girl with a Lot of great qualities, who Happens to look like a dog dump.
This girl needs my help.
Today.
Okay.
What are you looking for in a Man? I guess my dream guy would be Like brad pitt if he was cuter And didn't have any children.
[ light laughter .]
candace, look at me.
You have champagne taste and an Ass face.
[ laughter .]
Right now, your bar is way up Here, and you need to put the Bar here.
So it covers your face.
[ laughter .]
patty's so insightful.
She's like oprah if oprah was White and really horrible to be Around.
[ laughter .]
so what do you do when you See a cute guy? I'll kind of wink at him and Move my shoulders in a sexy, Come-hither way.
show me.
[ laughter .]
you look like a visible fart.
[ laughter .]
You know, I tell most girls "play hard to get," but for you, If a guy takes it out, you sit On it.
[ laughter .]
After all my coaching, candace Was as ready as she'd ever be.
So I rounded up some nice, Eligible guys perfect for Someone like her.
Okay.
These guys are the best you can Hope for.
Which one do you like? [ laughter .]
so do any of you guys, like, Work out or play sports? I'm in a softball league at Work.
oh.
Really? oh, yeah.
It's pretty fun.
aren't you just a sweet piece Of ham? laughter .]
that's it.
No more mole people.
Did candace find true love? Who knows? Who cares? Shut up.
you are watching telecentro Tv dominicana.
At 6:00, cooking with papaya Juice followed by the weather.
But first, "the manuel ortiz Show.
" hola.
Welcome to my show.
I'm manuel ortiz.
And I'm here to help you with Whatever it is you're going Through.
And if I cannot, I am very, very Sorry.
My first guest has a secret she Has told no one.
Please welcome jasmine rios.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
beuneos dias, senora.
y tu, manuel, y tu.
so, what is this secret you Have told no one? there is a chance this baby May not be my husband's baby.
how big a chance? I would say pretty big.
I see.
How about we bring him out.
Please welcome ace rios.
[ applause .]
my friend, your wife has Something she wants to tell you.
ace, this baby may not be Your baby.
okay.
[ laughter .]
okay? okay.
it might be your best friend Dexter's baby.
okay.
[ laughter .]
Jasmine, are you okay with ace Being okay? I'm split.
would you feel better if I Told you dexter rojas was in the Studio? Let's bring him out.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
hola, everyone.
Hola.
to have fun, to meet new People? no.
no? jasmine has something very Important to tell you.
dexter, I might be carrying Your baby.
so this is why.
there is also someone else Who would like to see you.
[ laughter .]
Your girlfriend.
no, not her.
please welcome Rosita consuelos.
[ applause .]
Rosita, you seem very upset.
I watch you backstage, and I'm saying to myself, "this must Be lies.
" Estupido, I will kill you! security! No! Security! [ applause .]
[ laughter .]
so, jasmine, we have Conducted a paternity test.
Would you like to know what we Found out? si, this is the reason.
nurse monica, can you please Bring out the results? [ applause .]
[ laughter .]
is it me or is the music too Fast? Okay, jeremy, we got to get that Fixed.
Nurse monica, tell us who the Baby's father is.
the resultas indicate the Padre is -- wait.
The baby, it cannot be mine.
Because my peepee don't work.
see, his flauta is flaccid.
so, do I still need to read The resultas or -- no, nurse monica, you do not.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Jeremy, we have to get that Fixed.
I'm being told we need to go to A commercial break.
When we return, hopefully I will Be able to help jasmine and ace Put their lives back together.
And if I cannot, I am very, very Sorry.
[ applause .]
so you my new partner, huh? I didn't know I was running a Day-care center.
yeah, well, I didn't know I Was working in a retirement Home.
[ light laughter .]
all right.
we have an unmanned train With eight freight cars with Hazardous chemicals rolling into A highly populated area with no Air brakes.
It's not a train.
It's a missile the size of the Chrysler building.
ha-ha, let's do this, rookie.
don't call me rookie, old Man.
I know trains! where you learn trains, huh? Thomas the tank engine? and where did you learn Trains, old man? From inventing them? [ laughter .]
guys, we need you to stop That train now.
it gets worse.
it's on a collision course With a train full of kids on a Field trip.
it gets worse.
the field trip was to a Petroleum refinery, and they all Brought home souvenir gasoline.
That's enough to hold hands in a Circle around the chrysler Building.
what are we gonna do? relax, rugrat, don't soil Your diaper, huh.
don't soil your depends, old Man.
[ laughter .]
ha-ha-ha! You see, he's insulting me, and I'm allowing it.
guys, what's the status? it seems we're coming to a Begrudging respect for each Other.
When we met, we focused on our Differences.
now it appears we have more In common than we thought.
now, what did you want to Say? a nursing Home shuttle bus got stuck on The track.
boom! [ laughter .]
there's got to be a way to Stop it.
we're trying to figure that Out, but we're going through 100 years of files.
It's like trying to find a Needle in the chrysler building.
you're too youg! you're too old! I love this guy.
Okay.
here's the worst news yet.
There was a train on top of the Runaway train that's moving even Faster than the first train.
That's like a chrysler building On top of a chrysler building.
chug-a-chug-a choo-choo.
good news.
We were able to get the runaway On the emergency track.
where does that go? 42nd and lexington in New york.
that's the chrysler building.
[ laughter .]
[ cheers and applause .]
scarlett johansson, look at You.
sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy.
whoa! Look at you.
More like scarlett jo-handsome.
good nickname.
[ light laughter .]
I'm brady trump.
and I'm anastasia sticks.
Thanks so much for doing this Interview.
I'm thrilled.
I love "hollywood dish.
" and we love you.
Now.
He's very good.
Yeah, anyway, are we ready to Get started? How did you feel about your tony Award? I've got to be honest.
I was not expecting that at all.
Being on stage in new york, it's Such an incredible feeling.
The whole experience was Magical.
I want to do it all over again.
I'm sorry, is there something Wrong? oh, no, you're doing fine.
We can't talk while you're Talking.
but we want to encourage you.
oesh, okay.
I see.
I have to ask, what was it Like working with woody allen? at first I was so intimidated By him.
I mean because he's such an Icon.
He's made so many amazing films.
Now we have such a great Relationship between us.
No, not like that.
We're friends.
now, you were in "lost in Translation.
" Do you know any japanese? I can say, like, one thing.
[ speaking japanese .]
oh, that sounds romantic.
it means where's the Bathroom.
oh.
Do it.
do it again.
[ speaking japanese .]
okay.
Do it more shy like.
[ speaking japanese .]
oh no.
Bigger.
Use your arms.
[ speaking japanese .]
okay.
are we -- are we almost done Here? oh, hang on.
Hang on.
I've got to ask you this, okay? Your husband, ryan reynolds, has Some pretty big muscles.
Is he big everywhere? what do you mean? does he have a big -- [ whistles .]
[ laughter .]
excuse me? we're talking about his -- I'm not answering that.
come on.
We're just talking about his -- stop, stop.
I know exactly what you're Talking about, and there is no Way I'm going To discuss my husband's penis.
whoa, our moms are here.
Right behind us.
you know what? I'm sorry.
I don'tean to be rude.
I think I should probably just Go.
wait, one last question, not Personal at all.
we're asking everybody.
Just tell us how excited you are For the next and probably final Version of "the jersey shore.
" you know, I've never seen That show.
I just don't watch a lot of Reality television.
[ laughter .]
you have great skin.
What's your secret? well, I make sure I never go To bed with makeup on, and I Live for sunblock.
The big secret is, I -- okay.
Are you two even listening to Me? Okay.
I'm officially annoyed and Officially leaving.
I can't believe I went on this Stupid show.
I'm going to fire my publicist.
Thank you for a junky time.
wow.
she is so cool.
cool chick.
Laid back.
oh, love her.
tonight on "hollywood Dish" -- has starjo lost her mind? at first I was so intimidated By my husband's penis.
is hollywood gaga missing? next on "the hollywood dish.
" ladies and gentlemen, Arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause .]
I used to write I used to write letters I used to sign my name I used to sleep at night before the flashing lights Settled deep in my brain But by the time we met By the time we met the times had already changed So I never wrote a letter I never took my true heart I never wrote it down so when the lights cut out I was left standing in the Wilderness downtown Now our lives are changing fast Now our lives are Changing fast Hope that something pure can last Hope that something pure Can last It seems strange how we used to wait For letters to arrive But what's stranger still Is how something so small can keep you alive We used to wait We used to waste hours Just walking around we used to wait All those wasted lives In the wilderness downtown oh we used to wait Oh we used to wait Oh we used to wait Sometimes it never came sometimes it never came We used to wait Still moving through The pain I'm gonna write a letter To my true love I'm gonna sign my name Like a patient on a table I wanna walk again Gonna move through the pain Now our lives are Changing fast now our lives are Changing fast Hope that something pure Can last hope that something pure Can last Oh we used to wait Oh we used to wait oh we used to wait Sometimes it never came We used to wait Sometimes it never came we used to wait Still moving through The pain We used to wait we used to wait We used to wait Oh yes We used to wait for it we used to wait for it Now we're screaming Sing the chorus again we used to wait for it We used to wait for it Now we're screaming Sing the chorus again I used to wait for it I used to wait for it Hear my voice screaming Sing the chorus again wait for it Wait for it Wait for it [ cheers and applause .]
Making friends with other moms Has "weekend update" with Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
I'm seth meyers, and here are Tonight's top stories.
An article on "huffington post" Yesterday claimed that several Passages of george wncht bush's New memoir "decision points" Were lifted from other books Including several written by his Advisers which explains why he Spent much of the book Complaining about his boss.
one of the new proposals from A bipartisan commission released Wednesday suggested that in Order to bring down the deficit, The government would need to Raise the retirement age to 69 By the year 2075.
So the next time a baby is Crying on your flight, it's Probably because they just found Out they're gonna have to work Until they're 69 in new china.
[ laughter .]
speaking in a video for an Ad campaign aimed at ending the Bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy mccain, the wife of Senator john mccain, broke with Her husband and called for the Repeal of "don't ask, don't Tell.
" Mccain says he and his wife have Disagreed on other issues too.
Things like, "where am I and What the hell's going on?" [ laughter .]
the dallas cowboys Monday Fired head coach wade phillips After the 1-7 start this season.
Wow, a brand-new house, a rapid Downward spiral and now Unemployment.
They really are america's team.
this week, kanye west Apologized to former president George w.
Bush for saying he Doesn't care about black people During hurricane katrina.
While the president said he Forgave kanye.
Here to explain are George w.
Bush and kanye west.
[ cheers and applause .]
Good to see you, kanye.
I mean, what's up, fam? so everything's good with you Guys? I know, we had problems and Now we solved those problems.
Yeah, fam.
absolutely.
I love kanye.
I do.
kanye and w.
best of friends united by Forgiveness yo recognize, haters.
yo, haters.
Come on, recognize.
I wouldn't have thought you Guys had that much in common.
sure, we do.
We're both rich.
We're both impulsive.
I mean, he interrupted taylor Swift at an awards show.
that's true.
I interrupted how well our Country was doing for eight Years.
that's right, fam, that's Right.
No time for haters.
that's right.
Kanye's even got me doing the Twister.
twitter.
twitter, I'm sorry about That.
Fam.
You know, he was teaching me how To tweet.
And I really like it because It's short.
You just kind of puke out Whatever's on your mind.
It's also real lenient on Grammar, and I like that.
hey, tell them your twitter, Fam.
sure.
I call myself not so curious George.
I don't know if you get it.
I didn't get it initially, but I Get it now.
so I have to ask, have you Guys actually been hanging out? well, yes.
Yes, fam.
I took him sunglass shopping.
that's right.
I needed glasses to help me with All the squinting.
That's when I bought these bad Boys.
Look at that.
They're designer brand called Guckies.
no, it's gucci.
gucci.
I also went down to crawford to Clear brush.
I thought clearing brush was A white people's term for going To a club and picking up ugly Bitches.
honest mistake.
Honest mistake.
This guy's a hoot.
You know, I love black people.
I love them.
president bush and kanye West, everyone.
while in israel this week, Pamela anderson met with Orthodox lawmakers in an effort To get them to endorse an animal Rights bill that would limit the Production of traditional fur Hats worn by hasidic jews.
Anderson suggested they wear Regular hats with just a little Strip of fur down the middle.
a new study shows that Drowsy driving is responsible For nearly 17% of all driving Fatalities.
That's a lot of blood on your Hands, prairie home companion.
a woman in florida and her Boyfriend were arrested after They allegedly tried to sell her Infant grandson for $30,000.
Florida, where grandmas have Boyfriends.
a new survey from "travel & lee sure" lists Charleston first in politeness And philadelphia, pennsylvania, As also a city.
a fire on the carnival Cruise ship splendor left over 3,000 passengers stranded in the Pacific ocean without air Conditioning, hot food or Working toilets for three days.
Joining us now to tell us about Their ordeal aboard the ship, Passengers frank and gladys Madden.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you guys for coming.
you're welcome.
Hello.
okay.
So mr.
And mrs.
Madden, I can't Even begin to imagine what an Ordeal that trip was like.
it was horrible.
It was a nightmare.
okay.
So tell us about the cruise.
where do I begin? When we book our cruises, we Always book the junior suite Which has a queen bed and couch.
We show up, and we are in a Junior sleeper which has a queen Bed.
I go to open the window.
There is no window.
I'm furious.
okay.
Well, those actually seem to be Complaints about the cruise Itself.
What about the fire and the Power outage? I'll get to that.
Morning of the second day, I go To the gym to use the stepper.
One of my few pleasures in life.
I walk in only to find there is A jumping class.
You heard me, a jumping class.
Middle-aged heavy women jumping.
I turn around, go right back to My room.
that sounds awful.
But surely things got worse when The power went out.
things got worse.
The next night at dinner.
Seth, I've learned not to expect Much from life.
But when you book a carnival Cruise, you expect the dessert Menu to include caramel flan.
We get to dessert, and the Waiter says, "for dessert, we Have three types of ice cream.
" That's funny because at home, I Have five types of ice cream.
He goes -- and I berated him.
and rightly so.
Frank, can you tell us about the Power outage? here's another one.
I signed us up for a couples' Cha-cha class.
This one plays hooky.
I find him at the casino sitting At the $5 baccarat table.
The jewish james bond over here.
what happened when the power Went out? day three.
I take a lunesta.
Put on my eye shade.
Power goes out.
Alarm never goes off.
I sleep for three days.
And I wake up in san diego being Interviewed by wolf blitzer.
Who I do not care for.
frank, you let her sleep for Three days? wouldn't you? gladys and frank madden, Everybody.
[ applause .]
voters in rhode island Rejected a proposition last week To change the state's official Name from state of rhode island And providence plantations to Just rhode island, but I think People are just going to keep Calling it connecticut's Foreskin.
a man in pennsylvania was Arrested after he smoked Marijuana in the hospital to Celebrate the birth of his Child.
Celebrate or cope with? the first ever starbucks at Sea was opened this week on a Royal caribbean cruise ship, and Somehow there's already a Homeless guy in the bathroom.
for "weekend update," I'm Seth meyers! Good night! and now back to -- St.
Kat's middle school.
hey, what's up, guys? How's it hanging? Am I right? hey marvin, how did your knee Surgery go? oh, no problems here.
Doc said I'll be up and walking In no time.
hey marvin, what did you Think of mr.
Conklin's lecture On the power of positive Thinking today? oh, I totally enjoyed it.
With positive thinking, you can Do anything.
yeah.
exactly.
maybe if marvin used positive Thinking, he could walk.
yeah! I don't know, you guys.
I have a broken knee.
you'll never know if you Don't try.
you know what? You're absolutely right.
Okay.
Help me out of this wheelchair.
Okay.
Here we go.
Dang! Get out of here! Leave me! You talked me into this! Go away! Go away! I need to heal! Leave me by myself! I'm sorry, marvin.
I guess I thought our positive Thinking would help you walk Again.
I have a broken knee.
Get out of here! I hope marvin doesn't hate Us.
he hit the ground so hard on His face.
hey, guys.
marvin.
marvin, you're not mad at us For yesterday, are you? no.
I'm mad at myself for allowing Me to talk me into walking with A broken knee.
Deep down I knew it wasn't a Good idea.
hey, marvin, what did you Think of mr.
Conklin's anything Is possible lecture today? it was good.
I mean, most things are possible Within reason.
marvin, I've been meaning to Ask you, would you want to go to The fall dance with me? sure, I'll go with you.
I won't be able to dance, you Know.
The broken knee.
hey, but what about the Lecture? Anything is possible? in this case, it's not.
Because my knee's broken.
I bet if we played music, you Wouldn't be saying that.
well, I think I'd be saying That music or no music.
hit the music! come on, guys.
Let's get marvin out of this Wheelchair.
three, two, one.
I told you! You don't listen! My knee! You knew about my knee! Why won't y'all listen to me? Just get out of here! Leave me alone! Leave me alone, I tell you! Go away! Go away! man, if marvin ever forgives Us, we'll be so super lucky.
hey, how's is hanging, guys? marvin! marvin, we are way sorry.
I just thought about us dancing Together and nothing else.
yeah.
I thought about it long and Hard, too.
This morning when I was working My way out of the tub.
You guys arey best friends.
You just don't understand what Broken knees are bp p about.
I'm partially to blame for that.
what did you think of mr.
Conklin's lecture, the sky's the Limit? I thought it was reckless.
Reckless and irresponsible.
it's time for mini tramp Exercis Exercises.
I think marvin should go First because the sky's the Limit.
you can't be serious.
yeah, kids, marvin can't jump On the trampoline, right? if marvin doesn't jump, no Of us jump.
where is your brain? In your butt? okay, okay, okay.
You win.
Marvin, you can jump.
I don't want to jump! You're a teacher! Don't let this happen! come on, guys.
Let's get him on the tramp.
no.
marvin! go away! Leave me be! Leave me to my regrets! Go away! You're animals! All of you! Beasts, I tell you! Get away from my face! You don't listen! My knee is broken! Where's your common sense? Go away.
marvin.
get out of here! next on the day's agenda, a Very, very special treat.
The winners of our model u.
N.
Competition are going to address The general assembly and present Their thoughts on world history.
So please welcome.
[ applause hello.
Based on our hours logged Deliberating at the model u.
N.
, Here are our key thoughts on World history thus far.
2,3,4 -- the holocaust What was that? Hiroshima What was that? terrorism What is that all about? Slavery? Come on guys vietnam What was that? Nanking massacre That totally sucked! and rwanda Real mature, guys! Tiananmen square Give me a break! the inquisition What was that? The khmer rouge So bogus! armenian genocide Unacceptable! Ethnic cleansing Talk to the hand! apartheid What was that?! Get it together guys! You're blowing it! the middle east Quit goofin' around! And these oil spills Hit the showers! darfur What are you guys doing? but dancing -- That'll set your whole Shake it off and dance and dance your troubles away fight off the evil because it can't ruin our Day now rip your shirt wide open And dance come on you guys dance with a boy and a girl we're all just people stand up you've got to [ bleep .]
and Save the world what was that? hi, y'all.
I'm paula deen, and you know my Favorite two ingredients to cook With are butter and oil.
But some people don't want all That fat in their food.
That's why I'm introducing my New product.
Paula deen's big old soak 'em Paper towels, for when you want To get the fat out of your good Old southern food.
They are eight ply, y'all.
They really suck on up all that Butter and oil that y just Don't wa getting on your Little ticker.
Watch this, y'all.
I'm going to put one of my Famous butter-crusted drizzler Biscuits on a big old piece of Soak 'em.
And I'm just gonna let it sit There like a frog on a log.
Let's wait ten seconds.
[ laughter .]
Now, look at that.
Laughter .]
That big old biscuit got all the Butter and oil just soaked on Right out of it.
Now that biscuit is a lot More healthy, y'all.
Also, it tastes like [ bleep .]
.
[ laughter .]
Look, y'all, just between you, Me and the chickens, I have to Suggest this oil draining Because health professionals are Really backing up my back bumper About my food making little Children fat.
I was a fat child and look how I Turned out.
I'm on tv, and I have a real Foxy husband.
He is santalicious.
I'd love to sit on his lap.
And you should see how fat my Little grandbaby boy is.
He is like a string of plump Little sausages with a diaper on It.
I just want to bite him.
He better watch it or I'm going To put him in the fryer and Serve him up on a bed of Buttered noodles.
[ laughter .]
Oh, it is as hot as the devil's Danglers in this kitchen.
Oh, my mercy me.
[ laughter .]
I am giving off some body butter Today.
Y'all, please go buy you some of These soak 'em so people will Get off my double bubble.
I'm going to take a heat lamp and put it on my face on my sun Porch.
I'd better put down a soak 'em Or I'm going to ruin my pillows.
Love y'all! once again, arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause .]
they heard me singing And they told me to stop Quit these pretentious things And just punch the clock these days my life I feel it has no purpose But late at night the Feelings swim to the surface 'cause on the surface The city lights shine They're calling at me come and find your kind Sometimes I wonder if The world's so small That we can never get away from the sprawl Living in the sprawl Dead shopping malls rise Like mountains beyond mountains And there's no end in sight I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights We rode our bikes To the nearest park Sat under the swings and kissed in the dark We shield our eyes From the police lights We run away but we don't know why On the black river The city lights shine They're screaming at us we don't need your kind Sometimes I wonder if The world's so small That we can never get away from the sprawl Living in the sprawl Dead shopping malls rise like Mountains beyond mountains and there's no end in sight I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights they heard me singing And they told me to stop Quit these pretentious things And just punch the clock sometimes I wonder if The world's so small Can we ever get away From the sprawl? living in the sprawl Dead shopping malls rise like Mountains beyond mountains And there's no end in sight I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights I need the darkness Someone please cut the lights [ cheers and applause .]
tlc presents "stars of Tomorrow.
" I travel all over the country Looking for talented kids.
You never know where you'll find The next abigail breslin.
And I still remember the night I Went to akron, ohio, to see 11-year-old laura parsons.
from the moment laura was Born, we knew she had something Special.
She was a very expressive baby.
She would, like, cry when she Wanted something.
We always knew she was amazing.
But at that first audition, she Did a piece from "a few good Men," she Let everyone know.
son, we live in a world that Has walls.
Those walls have to be guarded By men with guns.
Who's going to do it? You -- you -- you want the Truth? You can't handle the truth.
we have a word in the Theater.
Show-stopper.
That audition got her the Lead in some of the top kids' Touring productions like "rocking red riding hood" and The mary-kate and ashley Classic, "how the west was fun.
" she was the only name in kids Theater for a long time.
And then -- and then one day, Everything changed.
amanda starr was just a poor 11-year-old kid from bethesda.
But when she hit that stage, Boom! Fireworks.
Amanda's audition for "on the Waterfront" had everyone Talking.
you don't understand.
I could have had class.
I could have been a contender.
I could have been somebody.
Instead of a bum which is what I Am.
Let's face it.
It was you, charlie.
that's when the rivalry Started.
And it was -- it was so hard.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
But laura stayed strong and took Care of the both of us.
I really wanted to work with Laura and man da butdy but I co.
It was an all-african-american Cast, so I had no use for either Of the girls.
they never thought she had a Shot until they saw laura Perform the character bubba from "forrest gump.
" you ever been on a real Shrimp boat? I'm talking about a shrimping Boat.
I've been working on shrimp Boats all my life.
People call me bubba.
Just like one of them redneck Boys.
Can you believe that? Anyway, like I was saying, Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.
You can barbecue it, boil it, Broil it, make shrimp soup, Shrimp stew, shrimp and Potatoes.
And that's -- that's about it.
[ laughter .]
oh, yes, they pushed each Other.
Once mandy heard that laura was Auditioning for an African-american part, she knew What she had to do.
Sophie from "the color purple.
" all my life I had to fight.
I had to fight my daddy.
I had to fight my uncles.
I had to fight my brothers.
A girl travelling safe in a Family of men.
But I ain't never thought I'd Have to fight in my own house.
I loved harpo.
God knows I do.
But I'll kill him dead before I Let him beat me.
amanda and laura were the Biggest names.
We had no choice.
We cast mandy in the part of Mama and laura as her husband, Walter.
of course, it was a Sensation.
People talked about it for Weeks.
That's when laura and mandy Realized it was better to work Together than as rivals.
In their next project, they Decided to collaborate.
if you'd have told me that Our company was going to do a Stage version of "brokeback Mountain," I would have been Skeptical.
But then you said that the lead Roles of the two gay cowboys Will be played by 11-year-old Girls, I would tell you it can't Be done.
why didn't you just let me Be? It's because of you, jack twist, That I'd like this.
I'm nothing.
I'm nowhere.
I can't stand being like this no More.
I tell you what, we could Have had a good life together, But you didn't want it, ennis.
So what we've got now is Brokeback mountain.
You have no idea how bad it Gets.
A couple every year.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
opening night was a Ten-minute standing ovation.
We have a word in theater, Gaymazing.
That was double gaymazing.
ceramic busts.
Nothing says I'm a millionaire More than ceramic busts.
You want to start rumors that You come from a rich family? Get yourself some ceramic busts.
Fill your house with them.
You like having orange juice and Toast for breakfast? Try having it with ceramic Busts.
Now you're eating in a european Museum.
You're doing a bunch of work on Your computer at home? Put a ceramic bust on it.
Pretty soon you'll be logging on To those yacht websites.
You like freshening up in the Bathroom? Freshen up with ceramic busts Everywhere.
You're going to think you're Washing your hands in the white House.
And I mean the top floor.
You've got to get yourself these Ceramic busts.
It's people from all over History.
France, greece, shakespeare.
[ light laughter .]
People are going to look at These and think you own a Mercedes.
Don't believe me? Try asking my daughter, lexi.
come on.
Just get these already.
Don't you want people to look Into your house and say, "whoa.
That must be a family of brain Surgeons.
I bet they listen to classical Music every day.
" Look at this one.
Who is that? Sir isaac newton? Who's that one? Beethoven? Is that one zeus? Everyone's going to see these And go, "god, they probably have A tennis court back there behind The bushes.
" I mean, imagine waking up and The first thing you see is a Face like this one.
Or that one.
Or this one.
Or that one.
these things have no arms and No legs.
So they're not going anywhere.
Plus, every customer gets a free Copy of "the kama sutra.
" You know what that's about, Right? I insist, you should really get Yourself some ceramic busts.
Come to mike's bustaria on Central avenue.
[ cheers and applause .]
you've gotta get yourself some ceramic busts.
thanks to arcade fire! Thank you so much for watching.
Thanks to "snl" cast and crew.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Good night!