Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e14 Episode Script
Dana Carvey and Linkin Park
Aurora 10 community access Channel.
[ cheers and applause .]
all right! it's Friday, it's 10:30, it's Time to party.
I'm your excellent host, wayne Campbell.
With me as always is garth.
party on, wayne.
party on, garth.
so, garth, what's been going On? well, as you may remember, The last time you saw me, I got Pubes.
good work, my friend.
what's been going on with You, wayne? well, last month strangely Enough a monkey literally flew Out of my butt.
[ laughter .]
no way.
way! no way.
way! okay.
that was fun, okay.
All right.
I love that way.
yeah, that was good.
okay.
It's oscar time.
So now we bring you our oscar Picks.
it's wayne's world, oscar Picks, wayne's world, oscar Picks! all right.
what a year in film it's Been.
really? a veritable feast for the Cine-files amongest us.
yes.
And best of all this year there Was a movie called "winter's Bone.
" [ laughter .]
no, seriously, people.
We didn't make it up.
The film is called "winter's Bone.
" Garth, garth, have you seen it? no, my mom wouldn't let me.
your mom? How old are you? it was never determined.
[ laughter .]
okay.
Let's go to our picks for best Actor.
I like javier bardem.
it's pronounced javier Bardem.
oh, well, excuse me I feel Like a total herk-off! for the best actress.
Natalie portman is so hot in "black swan.
" yeah, she's so hot I could Make a mila out of her kunis.
[ laughter .]
did you kiss your mother with That mouth? I don't kiss my mom on the Mouth.
really? Everyone else does.
hey! [ laughter .]
that's my mom, wayne! Come on.
My mom.
I know.
I only have one.
I know.
Okay.
Our oscar pick for best actress Goes to jennifer lawrence.
From "winter's bone.
" And why? "winter's bone.
" this film has not yet been Rated.
okay.
all right.
Best supporting actor, and the Oscar pick goes to john hawkes.
oh, really? What movie is he in? "winter's bone.
" this film has not yet been Seen.
Let's talk about the oscar Hosts.
The oscar hosts.
James franco and anne hathaway.
yeah.
Anne hath a way of giving me a Bone.
[ laughter .]
"winter's bone.
" this joke has been done three Times.
Okay.
Now, best picture.
There's ten nominees.
So it's a tough one this year.
Let's start with "the fighter.
" I love marky mark in this Especially with his shirt off.
I thought he was super sexy.
what? sorry.
That was an inside thought.
all right.
moving on.
"the king's speech.
" This is the film with collin Firth and helena bonham carter Are had c-c-couple and in the End they get together and they F-f forgive each other.
yeah, in the butt.
well deconstructed.
well deconstructed.
"toy story 3.
" I can't believe a teenage boy Doesn't want to play with his Woody anymore.
not believable.
next, "127 hours.
" well, that was some good Armless fun.
Armless fun.
yeah.
no arms.
yeah, I remember.
all right.
Okay.
"true grit" where jeff bridges Has an eye patch.
I may be damning this with Faint praise but I think it was My favorite cycloptic Performance of the year.
technically just because he Has an eye patch doesn't mean He's a cyclops.
thank you, garth.
A nerd says what? what? a nerd says what? what.
the kids are all right.
a lot of steamy action in That movie.
Annette bening on julianne moore And julianne moore on mark Ruffalo.
wait, she wasn't on collin Firth? no.
then who is on firth? naomi watts? no.
that's what I'm trying to Tell you.
End scene.
[ cheers and applause .]
all right.
and our oscar pick for best Movie goes to "the social Network.
" not! [ laughter .]
the oscar pick goes to -- Live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen.
Abby elliott.
Bill hader.
Seth meyers.
Bobby moynihan.
Andy samberg.
Jason sudeikis.
Kenan thompson.
Kristen wigg.
Featuring vanessa bayer.
Paul brittain.
Taran killam.
Nasim pedrad.
Jay pharaoh.
Musical guest, linkin park And your host, dana carvey! Ladies and gentlemen, Dana carvey! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- thank you! You're the greatest.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Of all the live comedy shows Going on right now in new york, This is the best freaking Audience right now.
[ cheers and applause .]
Great to be home at "Saturday Night live.
" This is kind of emotional, but I Have my two teenage sons are Here tonight in the audience.
And I don't know where they are, But it's the first time they've Seen me on "Saturday night live" And I'm sure after the show I'm Going to be a normal comedian All needy like, hey, what did You guys think? And my son will go, it's fine, Dad, it's fine, okay.
[ laughter .]
Can we go now? I'll be like thank you.
My first episode of this show Was October 11th, 1986 with host Sigourney weaver.
I think we have a photo.
[ laughter .]
That's me there with sigourney.
I have changed, but, man, I Looked young, didn't I? Wow.
You know, after I left "snl" in 1993 people would always come up And say, "dana, the show is not As good without you.
" Or, "dana, I liked it better When you were there.
" And honestly, people always pick One cast in "snl" history and They will say that's the best Cast but that's just not true.
The show had always had great Cast, great people.
No cast is better than any other Cast.
Except for my cast.
[ light laughter .]
Undeniable, '86 to '93 was the Best.
Let me put it to you this way.
I have often stood On the stage before But the air is not as joyful As before it's no wonder I simply Can't deny '86 to '93 was the best hi dana.
hey! Karen wong, everybody! Terrific.
Hi, karen.
hi.
Dana, you're so right your cast Is awesome.
well, I didn't say awesome.
I just said best ever.
We had phil hartman, mike myers, It was incredible.
You got to admit.
'96 '86 to '93 was the best.
heyd dana.
Hey karen.
thank you, rainn wilson.
If I may be so bold, this cast Is probably the best cast.
okay.
So that means you're the best Person to ever be on the show.
does it? I don't know.
I have never been good at math.
I did ross perot I did ching change but that's Racist now probably I did garth and hong It was a renaissance '86 to '93 was the best you know how many times I Said "live from new york it's Saturday night?" No exaggeration.
700,000 times.
We didn't even have applause Lights back then.
We had calm down lights, you Know, and they just flashed Throughout the show.
wait a second.
How do we know you're telling The truth about your cast being The best ever? Making you're just making it up.
step aside, deer boy! [ cheers and applause .]
I don't know why I did that, But anyway.
We're out of control.
All right.
John lovitz from los angeles, California, what are you doing Here? I can't sit back and watch Our cast be slandered by that Ruffian.
We were the greatest players to Ever grace the stage.
And do you know why? why? acting, thank you.
now, dana, let us sing off.
yes, dear, jon, yes.
sing.
don't we watch them all Try to prove us wrong Every sketch is great But it would take too long take our word for it Every hit '86 to '93 was the best [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
thank you.
you know what? Now that I think about it, I Might have had one or two things That didn't play.
speak for yourself my little Pixie.
Good-bye, everybody, good-bye.
wow.
That could be a new catch Phrase.
We've got a great show.
Linkin park is here.
Stick around! [ cheers and applause .]
traveling can be tough, Especially if you find it hard To sleep in a strange room.
You have tried white noise Machines, but they just don't Work.
That's why sharper image created The I sleep pro.
The I sleep pro not only has a Setting for white noise, but Also one for black noise.
Now, you can hear the soothing Sounds you're used to.
Sounds like muffled tyler perry Sitcoms.
what if it comes in? What if it comes in? I wish that fool would come In here.
an old lady complaining about Foot problems through the wall.
oh, lord, jesus, can't even Walk on it no more.
bass.
Domestic arguments.
I told you.
I don't know.
you lie! and the movie "Friday.
" you think he's playing with You? man, that fool ain't going to Do nothing.
so you can get the rest you Need and be ready to take on the World.
I sleep pro, get the sleep you Need.
[ cheers and applause .]
and now it's time for "church chat.
" [ cheers and applause .]
hello, I'm the church -- [ cheers and applause .]
bless you all.
It's time for "church chat" and As you might know I'm the church Lady and this is our show.
We have so much to talk about.
In particular all of the evil Show that is have taken over the Air waves.
Let's take a look at what we Have on tv right now, shall we? There's this "15 and pregnant.
" That's a delightful show.
The new mtv show "skins" which Seems to be some sort of sports Center for pedophiles.
[ laughter .]
And, of course, the number one Comedy on tv is "one and a half Men and a whoremonger.
" Now, I don't want to judge Charlie sheen.
I don't ever want to chuge.
I mean who amongst us hasn't Locked a hooker in a bathroom? [ laughter .]
Who hasn't? I digress.
It's time to bring out my first Guest, the holy trinity of Sluts, please welcome the Kardashians.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi! all right.
Very good.
Let's introduce ourselves, Girls.
I'm kim, the hot one.
I'm kourtney, the smart one.
I'm khloe, I'm third.
you certainly are delightful.
Let's take a little seater.
Let's seat our bottom.
all: I can't, my butt.
girls, when the church lady Says sit, we park our bulbous Buttocks on the little velvet Chair.
Let's get our bulbous buttocks On the chours.
you said a lot of things Right now.
yeah.
Well, mr.
Mouth is moving but Mr.
Brain doesn't quite know What it's saying.
Now, enough of that.
Kim, I hear you're upset with a Photo shoot that you did.
Some kind of picture thing or Something? yeah.
I took some nude photos for "w" Magazine, and they promised to Cover my butt, but then the Magazine came out, and they Didn't cover my butt.
well, isn't that special? [ cheers and applause .]
Sorry, took me a minute to Recover from so much Information.
Now, we've altered the photo so It's appropriate for television.
Let's all take a look.
[ laughter .]
We chose an interesting pose, Didn't we, kimmers? Our plump hindquarters squared Up and pointed right at the Camera, like the photo of the Earth taken from space with the Butt crack the length of the Prime meridian.
And thousand we're blaming the Same media from which we earn Our hefty paychecks.
Isn't that convenient? I didn't want to do it.
They tricked me! oh, of course, somebody Tricked us.
And who could it have been, Let's see.
I don't know.
Let me think.
Let me knock on mr.
Noggin.
Who could trick us into doing That? -- Satan! Yes.
Scootch, take your bulbous areas And scootch along.
There you go.
All right.
Our next guest is a star of the Mtv show "jersey whore.
" Whoops had a little bit of a Satan twister.
I'm sorry, I meant "jersey Shore.
" Please welcome nicole polizzi.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi, america.
Hi, church lady.
Please, you can call me snooki.
oh, yes, snooki, of course, From the chippewa word that Means drop your shorts, we don't Have much time.
[ laughter .]
Let's just look at you.
Hair teased high to mock the Heavens and a body squeezed into A dress like a sausage into a Casing.
oh, I have squeezed my share Of sausages, church lady.
[ laughter .]
well, isn't that extra Special? it is! such a delightful cackle, Snack ki.
I want to give you a news flash.
You have a demon that lives Inside you.
It's terrible but I want you to Meet a friend of mine, he's a Priest who specializes in Exorcising evil spirits.
Please welcome father sabatino.
oh, a guido! cast out the demon, father.
[ speaking latin .]
you're hot, make out with me! be strong, father.
relent.
the demon is trying to speak.
don't touch my poof! father, please, be strong.
Fight the demon, father.
Fight him, you demon fighter.
this party sucks.
father -- hey, wait up, let's do some Shots! oh, goodness.
Oh, goodness.
[ cheers and applause .]
Sometimes you have to clean up Your little area there.
That wasn't exactly planned.
Well, that was interesting.
Our next guest is a very -- he's A favorite.
Please welcome the clean cut and Wholesome justin bieber.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello, church lady.
well, well, well.
Justin bieber, I don't know why More young men don't just -- Aren't like you on television.
I mean look at that face.
thanks, church lady.
I just kind of do my thing, Trying to send out positive Messages to the other kids.
and I have to say seeing you In person is affecting me in a Way I didn't think it would.
[ laughter .]
With your nice new haircut and Your million dollar smile.
are you okay, church lady? that's right.
Say my name.
Say my name with your angel's Voice.
The voice that makes young Girls' naughty parts tingle.
[ laughter .]
And it seems some older ladies' Naughty parts.
Some older naughty parts that Have been on a lengthy Sabbatical.
[ laughter .]
Now have returned rested with Renewed vigor.
do you need some water or Something? no, I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
Feels as though I'm being a Little tested here.
church lady, this is jesus.
jesus? do not allow yourself to fall Victim to the flesh, church Lady.
Use your willpower.
I'm tired of using my Willpower, jesus.
I want a taste of that sweet Bieber.
[ laughter .]
Just look at him, jesus.
Come on.
Take a gander.
yes.
He is my finest creation.
[ laughter .]
I'll be strong for you, Jesus.
that's my girl.
I'm back.
Justin bieber, I'm feeling like I'm all recovered.
Everything is fine, you were Terrific.
Would you like to join me for a Dance? I'd love it.
hit it, pearl.
Next week, russell brand with Musical guest chris brown.
this spring when trens are In trouble, celebs come to help.
hey there, you're with alan Alda, what's your problem, kid? yeah, some dudes in my school Want me to join a gang.
I don't know what to do.
that is a pickle, you know.
When they asked me to join the Cast of "m.
A.
S.
H.
" I didn't know What to do, but I joined and Life has been cream cheese since Then.
then I'll join that gang Then.
Thanks for the advice, alan Alda.
[ phone ringing .]
this is mickey rooney.
who? I was the number one star in The world.
Do you hear me? Bang.
The world.
how does that help me get Through high school? ask me what ava gardner was Like? what was ava gardner like? you'll never know.
[ phone ringing .]
looks like you're on the Phone with ice-t.
I've never done this before.
you've never made a telephone Call before? no, I have never called one Of these numbers.
But I went to a party last Night, and I think someone put Something in my drink.
like an olive or something? no, I think some guy had a Roofie and dropped it in my cup.
and now you want to return it To him? come on.
Didn't you do an episode about Roof fis on "suv"? ? yeah.
And ice-t was confused then, Too.
Looks like I'm not getting Through to her.
hello.
hi.
I just wish my dad wouldn't Drink so much.
drunk dad, ew, bummer.
yeah.
yeah! yeah.
So what's your advice? I know, right? Oh! [ phone ringing .]
come on, tell eddie murphy Your problems.
I just found out I'm Pregnant.
how old are you? I'm 15.
you're 15? More like you about to be a size It's hilarious.
So funny.
this is serious.
that's crazy, man.
Your ass is going to be the only Girl at spring break with Stretch marks! come on, eddie murphy.
hey, look, I'm just kidding.
You're not even going to get to Go to spring break.
You're going to be home with Your baby watching "yo gabba Gabba," whatever the hell it is.
it may be horrible advice, But it's there.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey.
you're in room 316.
thanks.
welcome to college.
I'm declan, your new roommate.
hey.
I guess we're best friends Now, huh? what? I love you.
this isn't going to be one of Those things where a friendship Starts out fine but then you get Really possessive and crazy Because I'm not really up for That.
what? No.
I'm totally normal.
I saw this stray puppy.
What should we name him? that's a dead rat.
you make me smile.
honey, how is your new Roommate? um -- [ laughter .]
He's definitely trying to kill Me.
are you on the phone? I got the same haircut as you.
that's not my haircut.
Burn the roommate.
ladies and gentlemen, linkin Park! [ cheers and applause .]
put them up like that, put Them up, put them up! Yeah.
this is not the end This is not the beginning Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision but you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empties within 'em We say yeah With fists flying Up in the air like we're holding onto Something that's Invisible there 'cause we're living at the mercy of the pain And the fear Until we dead it forget it Let it all disappear waiting for the End to come Wishing I had Strength to stand this is not what I had planned It's out of my control Flying at the speed of light Thoughts were spinning In my head So many things were left unsaid It's hard to let you go I know what it takes To move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this Life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got Sitting in an empty room Trying to forget the past This was never meant to last I wish it wasn't so I know what it takes To move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this Life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got What was left when That fire was gone I thought it felt right but that right was wrong All caught up in the Eye of the storm And trying to figure out what it's like moving on And I don't even know What kind of things I said My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead Picking up those pieces Now where to begin The hardest part of ending is starting again all I wanna do is trade This life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got this is not the end This is not the beginning Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empties within 'em We say yeah With fists flying up In the air like we're holding onto Something that's Invisible there 'cause we're living at the mercy of the pain And the fear Until we dead it forget it Let it all disappear [ cheers and applause .]
weekend update with seth Meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers and here are Tonight's top stories.
Supporters of president hosni Mubarak rode into cairo's Central square Tuesday on horses And camels and used whips to Attack anti-government Protesters, as well as several Very confused contestants on "the amazing race.
" [ laughter .]
clothing maker kenneth cole Created a controversy on twitter This week with a tweet that said Millions are in uproar in kay Row.
Rumor is they heard about our New spring collection.
It's reminiscent of that gap ad, Everyone in somalia is starving For cords! Egypt has dominated the news This week and with the story of This magnitude, it can be Difficult to keep up, which Brings us to a segment we call "winners and losers: Egypt.
" Let's see some winners and Losers.
First up, winner -- Anderson cooper.
You might think he'd be a loser After getting attacked by angry Mobs twice in a week, but he's a Winner because he still looks Like this.
[ laughter .]
You cannot punch the handsome Off anderson cooper.
[ laughter .]
Loser -- Pundits who say the mubarak Regime is bad but the Alternative may be worse.
That's like your buddy saying Your girlfriend may be ugly but I don't think you could do any Better.
Loser -- Tunisia.
Talk about getting overshadowed.
For three days, the tunisian Revolution was the big story of The middle east and now there's A soundgarden to egypt's Nirvana.
[ laughter .]
"hey, we're from seattle, too.
" "yeah, it's great.
" [ laughter .]
Loser -- Muslim brotherhood.
I don't know if you're bad guys Or not but you got to lose the Word brotherhood.
It making everything sound Scarier.
Bunny rabbits, adorable.
Bunny brotherhood, what are they Planning? Loser -- hosni mubarak.
Winner -- hosni mubarak's face.
He's 82 and he looks great.
Just goes to show egyptians are Great at preserving things.
This has been winners and Losers.
many industry insiders are Wondering if charlie sheen will Pay the salaries of "two and a Half men.
" Be careful, crew, he expects a Lot of crazy stuff when he's Paying you.
denny's has launched a new Ad campaign to brand itself as a Diner where customers can feel a Warmth and connection with Servers instead waf it is now, a 24/7 competitive eating thunder Dome.
for the first time since 1987 one of the host of the Academy awards is also a Nominee.
Here to talk about the oscars, Our good friend james franco.
[ cheers and applause .]
this has been such a busy Year for you.
You were going to college.
You did "general hospital.
" You were in the hofmovie "127 Hours.
" You're hosting and you're a Nominee.
that's not all.
I'm doing the oscars, I'm also Working the coat check room.
I am smelting all the awards Statues in my foundry.
really? I like having jobs.
it seems that way because I Hear you're also teaching a Class that's called "editing James franco with james franco.
" as well as making a Documentary about teaching a Class about documentary editing That I'm directing that is about The class.
I'm confused.
I am, too, but that's because I haven't slept in two years.
it does seem like a lot of Stuff.
I can't stop.
Here is what else I'm doing this Year.
I'm going to be a rabbi.
I'm going to make a documentary About that.
And I'm going to shoot an Underwear ad for jockey.
And I'm also going to be a Jockey.
that's a busy year.
I love doing things.
okay.
I am going to be a wide Receiver at the super bowl Tomorrow.
After that I'm going to disney World to work at space mountain.
[ laughter .]
Yeah, yeah.
And then I might crank out a Ph.
D.
In women's studies.
it does seem like an odd use Of your time.
.
yeah, I use my time oddly, Seth.
all right.
I got to run.
I got to go be a cab driver for Like 45 minutes.
of course.
James franco, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
A woman in los angeles -- hey, cut it out.
I want to do the news, too.
you love everything.
Get out of here.
a woman in lightning has Reportedly filed a $1 trillion Lawsuit against sean diddy combs Claiming he's the father of her Child and that he's also Responsible for 9/11.
So I bet she would consider Settling out of court for a Handful of drugs.
A new study shows that a dog Trained to smell colon cancer in Patients was 95% as accurate as A colonoscopy.
Says the dog, "what can I say? I love what I do.
[ laughter .]
A woman in georgia with 24-inch Long fingernails said that she Grew them that long in hopes of Meeting oprah winfrey, who will No doubt jump at the chance to Meet a lunatic with crazy weapon Hands.
[ laughter .]
According to a report -- Hold on a second.
James, what are you doing? I'm doing the cue cards.
you're the best, james Franco.
According to a report, demand For breast implants in England Grew by more than 10% last year With many women citing a desire To look like christina hendricks From "mad men.
" I guess that's fine, but -- oh, No, not the queen.
[ laughter .]
Oh, you're better than that, the Queen.
But also -- long live the queen.
a colossal winter storm hit The United States with snow and High winds.
Experts say the worst is still To come.
Here to talk about what to Expect is meteorologist and Disco queen, angela dixon.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi, seth.
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm thrilled to meet you.
thanks for coming.
I have to say, that's quite a Switch from disco to weather Expert.
How does that happen? you know, I don't really talk About that the.
The disco thing was long ago.
This is what I do know.
how much more snow can we Expect.
we're in for quite a week Because -- the snow is coming down, down, Down and piling up, up, up it's going here and there and In your face and hair snow is coming down, down, Down [ cheers and applause .]
okay.
Angela, I might be wrong, but I Think your disco past seeped in There a little bit.
really? yeah.
I don't think so.
I am 100% meteorologist now.
okay.
100%.
Well, if that's the case can you Tell us why we've had so many Storms recently? the best I can tell you is -- snow it's everywhere it's Falling snow nobody does snow like I do don't you love me anymore wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.
what? I just -- you sang a disco Song about the snow and then at The end you said "don't you love Me anymore.
" I think I said low pressure System.
no.
You definitely didn't.
I promise you did not.
okay, seth.
I'm going to give you the Forecast.
There's not going to be any Disco.
no disco.
and to prove it, I'm going to Put on my heart-shaped glasses.
oh, I don't think so.
Of it seems like a disco move.
you're in and you're out and You're up and you're down and You're snowing around with my Heart Just like a snowplow angela! pennsylvania, I can't because My car is covered in ice and Rock salt an ice storm [ cheers and applause .]
so there's a captain that you Want out of your life.
yeah, I don't want to talk About it.
we're out of time.
Do you have ni advice for us at All to get through the next Cupcle of winter months? do, do, do if you do, tell us.
Then just tell us.
tell us.
wear gloves [ cheers and applause .]
angela dixon, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
A man in germany has won a mini Cooper by having the word "mini" Tattooed on his penis.
Of course, if you're driving a Mini cooper, no one is ever Going to see that tattoo.
[ laughter .]
And if you're wondering, I am Enjoying my free chevrolet Suburban.
this Thursday was the Chinese new year and marked the Start of the year of the rabbit.
This according to a recent place Mat.
Tuesday was the 34th annual Empire state building run up, Where participants raced up the Building's stairs to the 86th floor.
It's a great event if you love Running marathons but always Wish someone's ass was in your Face.
[ laughter .]
for weekend update, I'm seth Meyers.
Good night! [ cheers and applause .]
it's live with regis and Kelly.
Please welcome your hosts, regis Philbin and kelly ripa! [ cheers and applause .]
how are you? hi, everybody.
how are you, everybody? How are you? It's February 4th.
Welcome to the show.
How are you doing? are you excited for the super Bowl? oh -- we're all very excited.
I'm excited for the game, but Who is this halftime game.
The black eyed beans? That's a side dish.
reg, I'm going to miss you When you lee.
I'm not gone yet.
but have you been reading the Newspapers? Everyone is wondering who is Going to replace you? I know, I know.
It's not just me leaving, pippa, Understand? Our producer galvin is also There, he's retiring.
I'm not leaving, regis.
yes, you are.
Wherever I go, you go, so I can Keep you in swatting distance.
I like it here.
you don't have a choice.
The pharaohs used to be buried With their slaves.
I'm not your slave, reg.
that's what they all say.
well, I thought it would be Fun to go through some of the People they're talking about to Fill your shoes.
all righty.
Here we go.
one of the names being kicked Around is and derson cooper.
didn't he just get socked in The kisser by some crazy Egyptian.
He's not tough enough.
if he can handle egypt, reg, He can handle this show.
those egyptians have nothing On the women who wait outside The studio.
At least the egyptian want Democracy.
These women want to get in my Coat.
up next, some people are Saying howie mandel might be a Good co-host.
good luck with that.
He's a seal with a soul patch.
That's not going to work.
And the germ thing.
The man doesn't shake hands.
What is he going to do when he Meets cheryl channing, give her A fist pump? maybe it's about chemistry, Reg.
Hey, maybe my hubby mark will do It.
mark consuelo? Are you serious? You know what I'm going to give Him as a welcome gives? Divorce papers.
Because you two are not going to Last a week.
I love you pippa, but the only Reason I don't wring your neck Is because we part ways when the Show is over.
stop it.
I don't think you want to Retire.
I have big plans.
I'm starting my own network.
Oprah-style.
oh, yeah, what are you going To call it? well, she says what am I Going to call it? You hear that? I'm calling it regis! This channel is going to have Everything, joey bishop reruns And a reality show called "so You think you can shout.
" Going to be terrific.
I want you to know I'm going To treasure every day hiv Left -- oh, no, kathie lee is Here.
[ cheers and applause .]
kathie lee, what are you Doing here? oh, regis, when I heard today Was your last show I had to come On and say good-bye.
today is not my last show.
what is that, a bird Chirping? Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.
Someone call a hunter and shoot That irritating bird.
what are you going to do? you know, I'm going to sing To you, reg.
you're going to sing.
let me wet my pipes.
god, what is that? that's water.
oh, what's the point of mugs.
Come on now.
chardonnay, white wine in the Morning time she's really out of control.
mace trestro.
here we are.
it's a quarter to 3:00, There's no one in the place Except you and me kathie lee, hoda is looking For you.
tell her I was in a car Accident.
let's get out of here.
I can't take this anymore.
I want to stay.
galvin, I will beat you Within an inch of your life.
you're hurting me.
I'm telling you, I'll put you Away.
I'll miss you, reg.
no one knows who you are.
one for my baby and three more To deal with the show please welcome your pageant Coordinators for this Afternoon, Mr.
And mr.
Leon phillips and Marion sulers.
good morning, everyone.
Thank you for showing up for the Little miss little girl pageant.
it's so good to see all of Your shining faces in the Sheraton governor's ballroom.
how many pageants have we Coordinated in this space? one.
I thought there was more.
there was not.
I think there were Two.
there was not.
Anyway, you all know why we're Here so let's begin the Festivities.
we have a lot of beautiful Girls to talk about today.
these are some of the most Fabulous faces of 2011.
let's meet them now.
Make that work.
Here on the run wayne right now Is donna elise van donan.
donna is age 11.
She's from austin, texas.
She's into cheeseburgers and Anything cheeseburger.
Her favorite thing to do in the Morning is wake up.
Thank you, donna.
[ laughter .]
that's killer, that's killer.
Next up is vonda kara mcmillen.
Vonda tans in las vegas, nevada.
She dreams of either being a Nurse or one day getting to know A nurse real good.
she likes playing with her Doll basket and loves to pretend Vacuum.
She hopes to one day real Vacuum.
Thank you, vonda.
Next is tatum valerie dunn.
that's from tennessee, and She is the entire package.
She won best overall face at the Little miss maybe you heard About me pageant.
She also loves to skip over mud In safety, but her favorite Thing in the world is spraying Whip cream on a paper plate and Filling up her sleeping Grandma's mouth with it.
Thank you, tatum.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I said, "thank you.
" You may go now, tatum.
All right.
Did you see that? She wasn't leaving.
I felt bad for her.
That was scary.
it is scary.
I was super scared.
next up is Tamma janet wentworth.
tamma is from birmingham.
She's 5 and she knows it.
She likes to talk through toilet Paper tubes and said one of her Most memorable moments was Chasing a squirrel until she Couldn't see it anymore.
[ laughter .]
To this day she still wonders Where that squirrel went.
next is brendan james vincent Hog.
[ laughter .]
that's a boy.
this boy competes in the Girl's pageant.
this is allowed by the Rulebook until he turns 11.
at which point he will be Forced to drop out of all Pageants and find another way of Expressing himself.
that's right.
He enjoys tap dancing and Sizzling.
His favorite things are Glitz blitz and joan rivers.
he loves to make bubbles with His own saliva, and one day Wants to abolish the 11-year Cutoff point for boys in the Pageant rulebook.
Why don't we bring them all back Out for one last look? that's right.
All right, contestants, we have A surprise question for you.
If you could describe yourself In one word, what would it be? america.
what's your word, precious? precious! darling, one word to describe You? me! [ laughter .]
one word.
learning disabled.
[ laughter .]
sugar pie, that was two Words.
You only needed one.
What's your, pistol? patootie.
thanks so much for those Moving descriptions.
So there they are.
Take a good look at them.
These are the contestants who Have been disqualified because Your parents entry fee check Bounced.
next time make sure your Parents have enough money in the Bank to cover the checks they Write.
get out of here! I was scared.
[ cheers and applause .]
in today's turbulent times It can seem like all the news is Bad but as hard as it is to hear Bad news, it's even harder to Give it.
Finally, there's a solution.
how are you? So are you experiencing lower Profits at your company? Needing cutbacks but dreading It.
Look, here is the thing I'll do It for you.
I'm deirdre and I'm really good At it and people love me.
I'm sincere and I care about You.
Just take a look.
You're here because you're all Fired and, look,all, I Apologize.
I feel really bad but it is what It issa It is, y'all.
There's plenty of opportunities Out there and you have to seize The day and put yourself out There and, again, I do apologize But what can I do? I also handle divorces.
He wants a divorce.
He doesn't like you anymore, and That's just the way it is.
You know, move on with your life And you'll find someone else.
We never plan for these things, But they happen, and, sorry, I Do apologize, y'all, that's the Way it goes.
she pointed out it had indeed Happened and it was the way it Goes and that made me feel Really good.
Thanks.
you know, it's like I had to Deal with some of the worst Stuff ever.
Like I had to tell these bosnian Woman, look, your village is Gone, it's been pillaged.
They took everything and they Burned it down and it's really Sad for you, you know, but, you Know, we have to look at it from Both sides of the equation here.
It is what it is, and you just Have to learn from it.
And I apologies, I do.
I felt better when she Apologized.
I feel like I know how to Talk to people and break news to Them.
That being said, I don't do bad News about pets and I lts don't Go into hospitals and, you know, You have to deal with that.
I do apologize for that, but That's the way it is.
E-mail me today.
the sad news works@hot Mail.
Com.
well, once again -- linkin park! [ cheers and applause .]
[ sirens .]
ready? Let's go! I am not a pattern To be followed The pill that I'm on Is a tough one to swallow I'm not a criminal Not a role model Not a born leader I'm a tough act to follow I am not the fortune And the fame Nor the same person telling You to forfeit the game I came in the ring like A dog on a chain And I found out the Underbelly is sicker than it seems And it's seems ugly But it can get worse 'cause even a blueprint is a gift and a curse Once you got the theory Of how the thing works Everybody wants the next thing to be just Like the first And I'm not a robot I'm not a monkey I will not dance even If the beat's funky Opposite of lazy Far from a punk y'all ought to stop Talking Start tryin' to catch up oooooooh, ooooooh Ooooooooh oooooooh Lauryn said money Change a situation big said it increases The complication Kane said don't stab I ain't the one Chuck said that uzi weigh A ton And I'm just a student of the game that They taught me Rock in every stage in every Place that they brought me I'm awfully underrated But came here to correct it And so it ain't mistakin' I'm a state it for the record I am the opposite of wack Opposite of weak Opposite of slack synonym of heat Synonym of crack Closest to a peak Far from a punk y'all ought to stop talking Start tryin' to catch up Everybody say Ooooooooooooh, ooooooooh oooooooooh, ooooooooooh oh when they come for me Come for me I'll be gone Oh when they come for me come for me I'll be gone Oh when they come for me Come for me I'll be gone And all the people say Oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh try to catch up oooooooooh, Oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh [ cheers and applause .]
green bay! [ cheers and applause .]
hey, guys, we got a lot of Great super bowl specials, nacho Bar, hot wings, two for one pbrs And my wife's brother's band is Going to play some music.
what? hello.
Excuse me, everyone, hello.
Hello.
Can we have your attention, Please? zhou mind.
We're the fingerlings, and I Know your game is starting soon.
We've got a few minutes so we're Going to play some music for You.
and a special thank you to My brother-in-law patrick for Lets us use this place.
oh, come on! now, look, you're not going To miss any of your big game, we Promise.
maybe a few minutes, that's All.
a few minutes at the most.
Huck be big boys and appreciate What we do.
shall we? This song was actually inspired By the super bowl, you know.
Here we go.
standing in the motel room Looking out at the Neon lights Your fingers kiss my lips as we Drove through the paris night Weeping in the morning rain with Blue mascara running down by Face dancing with my trousers off At that disco All I can say is embrace me embrace me under the leon Lights embrace me do you know what we're Talking about, fellow? shut up, the game is Starting.
yeah.
Shut it, green bay! I'm going to switch this off.
come on! please be patient.
This is the visual portion of Our show.
listen, we're not being rude To you.
So there's no reason to raise Your voices to us.
This is about the super bowl Anyway.
that's right, it's about the Super bowl.
smearing my lipstick On the bedroom mirror While I cry about you lipstick? traipsing through the streets Of rome with sparkles in my Hair all I can say is embrace me Embrace me Under the neon lights Embrace me the game is starting right Now.
Patrick, shut them off, come on.
I'm sorry.
I promised my wife.
They'll be done soon.
pat, please.
you know, the longer you Carry on like that, the more of The game you're going to miss.
let's hear you all.
embrace me come on, for the packers.
no! embrace me under the neon lights Embrace me under the neon lights embrace Me we mean it.
Has everyone gone then? yeah.
were the drinks too Expensive? no, it was more about you Guys.
did you like the song? no.
did you like the song? No.
a tiny bit.
yeah.
well come on then.
embrace me.
Under the neon lights embrace Me Thanks to linkin park, justin Bieber, john lovitz, lorne Micha Michae Michaels.
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television
[ cheers and applause .]
all right! it's Friday, it's 10:30, it's Time to party.
I'm your excellent host, wayne Campbell.
With me as always is garth.
party on, wayne.
party on, garth.
so, garth, what's been going On? well, as you may remember, The last time you saw me, I got Pubes.
good work, my friend.
what's been going on with You, wayne? well, last month strangely Enough a monkey literally flew Out of my butt.
[ laughter .]
no way.
way! no way.
way! okay.
that was fun, okay.
All right.
I love that way.
yeah, that was good.
okay.
It's oscar time.
So now we bring you our oscar Picks.
it's wayne's world, oscar Picks, wayne's world, oscar Picks! all right.
what a year in film it's Been.
really? a veritable feast for the Cine-files amongest us.
yes.
And best of all this year there Was a movie called "winter's Bone.
" [ laughter .]
no, seriously, people.
We didn't make it up.
The film is called "winter's Bone.
" Garth, garth, have you seen it? no, my mom wouldn't let me.
your mom? How old are you? it was never determined.
[ laughter .]
okay.
Let's go to our picks for best Actor.
I like javier bardem.
it's pronounced javier Bardem.
oh, well, excuse me I feel Like a total herk-off! for the best actress.
Natalie portman is so hot in "black swan.
" yeah, she's so hot I could Make a mila out of her kunis.
[ laughter .]
did you kiss your mother with That mouth? I don't kiss my mom on the Mouth.
really? Everyone else does.
hey! [ laughter .]
that's my mom, wayne! Come on.
My mom.
I know.
I only have one.
I know.
Okay.
Our oscar pick for best actress Goes to jennifer lawrence.
From "winter's bone.
" And why? "winter's bone.
" this film has not yet been Rated.
okay.
all right.
Best supporting actor, and the Oscar pick goes to john hawkes.
oh, really? What movie is he in? "winter's bone.
" this film has not yet been Seen.
Let's talk about the oscar Hosts.
The oscar hosts.
James franco and anne hathaway.
yeah.
Anne hath a way of giving me a Bone.
[ laughter .]
"winter's bone.
" this joke has been done three Times.
Okay.
Now, best picture.
There's ten nominees.
So it's a tough one this year.
Let's start with "the fighter.
" I love marky mark in this Especially with his shirt off.
I thought he was super sexy.
what? sorry.
That was an inside thought.
all right.
moving on.
"the king's speech.
" This is the film with collin Firth and helena bonham carter Are had c-c-couple and in the End they get together and they F-f forgive each other.
yeah, in the butt.
well deconstructed.
well deconstructed.
"toy story 3.
" I can't believe a teenage boy Doesn't want to play with his Woody anymore.
not believable.
next, "127 hours.
" well, that was some good Armless fun.
Armless fun.
yeah.
no arms.
yeah, I remember.
all right.
Okay.
"true grit" where jeff bridges Has an eye patch.
I may be damning this with Faint praise but I think it was My favorite cycloptic Performance of the year.
technically just because he Has an eye patch doesn't mean He's a cyclops.
thank you, garth.
A nerd says what? what? a nerd says what? what.
the kids are all right.
a lot of steamy action in That movie.
Annette bening on julianne moore And julianne moore on mark Ruffalo.
wait, she wasn't on collin Firth? no.
then who is on firth? naomi watts? no.
that's what I'm trying to Tell you.
End scene.
[ cheers and applause .]
all right.
and our oscar pick for best Movie goes to "the social Network.
" not! [ laughter .]
the oscar pick goes to -- Live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen.
Abby elliott.
Bill hader.
Seth meyers.
Bobby moynihan.
Andy samberg.
Jason sudeikis.
Kenan thompson.
Kristen wigg.
Featuring vanessa bayer.
Paul brittain.
Taran killam.
Nasim pedrad.
Jay pharaoh.
Musical guest, linkin park And your host, dana carvey! Ladies and gentlemen, Dana carvey! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- thank you! You're the greatest.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Of all the live comedy shows Going on right now in new york, This is the best freaking Audience right now.
[ cheers and applause .]
Great to be home at "Saturday Night live.
" This is kind of emotional, but I Have my two teenage sons are Here tonight in the audience.
And I don't know where they are, But it's the first time they've Seen me on "Saturday night live" And I'm sure after the show I'm Going to be a normal comedian All needy like, hey, what did You guys think? And my son will go, it's fine, Dad, it's fine, okay.
[ laughter .]
Can we go now? I'll be like thank you.
My first episode of this show Was October 11th, 1986 with host Sigourney weaver.
I think we have a photo.
[ laughter .]
That's me there with sigourney.
I have changed, but, man, I Looked young, didn't I? Wow.
You know, after I left "snl" in 1993 people would always come up And say, "dana, the show is not As good without you.
" Or, "dana, I liked it better When you were there.
" And honestly, people always pick One cast in "snl" history and They will say that's the best Cast but that's just not true.
The show had always had great Cast, great people.
No cast is better than any other Cast.
Except for my cast.
[ light laughter .]
Undeniable, '86 to '93 was the Best.
Let me put it to you this way.
I have often stood On the stage before But the air is not as joyful As before it's no wonder I simply Can't deny '86 to '93 was the best hi dana.
hey! Karen wong, everybody! Terrific.
Hi, karen.
hi.
Dana, you're so right your cast Is awesome.
well, I didn't say awesome.
I just said best ever.
We had phil hartman, mike myers, It was incredible.
You got to admit.
'96 '86 to '93 was the best.
heyd dana.
Hey karen.
thank you, rainn wilson.
If I may be so bold, this cast Is probably the best cast.
okay.
So that means you're the best Person to ever be on the show.
does it? I don't know.
I have never been good at math.
I did ross perot I did ching change but that's Racist now probably I did garth and hong It was a renaissance '86 to '93 was the best you know how many times I Said "live from new york it's Saturday night?" No exaggeration.
700,000 times.
We didn't even have applause Lights back then.
We had calm down lights, you Know, and they just flashed Throughout the show.
wait a second.
How do we know you're telling The truth about your cast being The best ever? Making you're just making it up.
step aside, deer boy! [ cheers and applause .]
I don't know why I did that, But anyway.
We're out of control.
All right.
John lovitz from los angeles, California, what are you doing Here? I can't sit back and watch Our cast be slandered by that Ruffian.
We were the greatest players to Ever grace the stage.
And do you know why? why? acting, thank you.
now, dana, let us sing off.
yes, dear, jon, yes.
sing.
don't we watch them all Try to prove us wrong Every sketch is great But it would take too long take our word for it Every hit '86 to '93 was the best [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
thank you.
you know what? Now that I think about it, I Might have had one or two things That didn't play.
speak for yourself my little Pixie.
Good-bye, everybody, good-bye.
wow.
That could be a new catch Phrase.
We've got a great show.
Linkin park is here.
Stick around! [ cheers and applause .]
traveling can be tough, Especially if you find it hard To sleep in a strange room.
You have tried white noise Machines, but they just don't Work.
That's why sharper image created The I sleep pro.
The I sleep pro not only has a Setting for white noise, but Also one for black noise.
Now, you can hear the soothing Sounds you're used to.
Sounds like muffled tyler perry Sitcoms.
what if it comes in? What if it comes in? I wish that fool would come In here.
an old lady complaining about Foot problems through the wall.
oh, lord, jesus, can't even Walk on it no more.
bass.
Domestic arguments.
I told you.
I don't know.
you lie! and the movie "Friday.
" you think he's playing with You? man, that fool ain't going to Do nothing.
so you can get the rest you Need and be ready to take on the World.
I sleep pro, get the sleep you Need.
[ cheers and applause .]
and now it's time for "church chat.
" [ cheers and applause .]
hello, I'm the church -- [ cheers and applause .]
bless you all.
It's time for "church chat" and As you might know I'm the church Lady and this is our show.
We have so much to talk about.
In particular all of the evil Show that is have taken over the Air waves.
Let's take a look at what we Have on tv right now, shall we? There's this "15 and pregnant.
" That's a delightful show.
The new mtv show "skins" which Seems to be some sort of sports Center for pedophiles.
[ laughter .]
And, of course, the number one Comedy on tv is "one and a half Men and a whoremonger.
" Now, I don't want to judge Charlie sheen.
I don't ever want to chuge.
I mean who amongst us hasn't Locked a hooker in a bathroom? [ laughter .]
Who hasn't? I digress.
It's time to bring out my first Guest, the holy trinity of Sluts, please welcome the Kardashians.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi! all right.
Very good.
Let's introduce ourselves, Girls.
I'm kim, the hot one.
I'm kourtney, the smart one.
I'm khloe, I'm third.
you certainly are delightful.
Let's take a little seater.
Let's seat our bottom.
all: I can't, my butt.
girls, when the church lady Says sit, we park our bulbous Buttocks on the little velvet Chair.
Let's get our bulbous buttocks On the chours.
you said a lot of things Right now.
yeah.
Well, mr.
Mouth is moving but Mr.
Brain doesn't quite know What it's saying.
Now, enough of that.
Kim, I hear you're upset with a Photo shoot that you did.
Some kind of picture thing or Something? yeah.
I took some nude photos for "w" Magazine, and they promised to Cover my butt, but then the Magazine came out, and they Didn't cover my butt.
well, isn't that special? [ cheers and applause .]
Sorry, took me a minute to Recover from so much Information.
Now, we've altered the photo so It's appropriate for television.
Let's all take a look.
[ laughter .]
We chose an interesting pose, Didn't we, kimmers? Our plump hindquarters squared Up and pointed right at the Camera, like the photo of the Earth taken from space with the Butt crack the length of the Prime meridian.
And thousand we're blaming the Same media from which we earn Our hefty paychecks.
Isn't that convenient? I didn't want to do it.
They tricked me! oh, of course, somebody Tricked us.
And who could it have been, Let's see.
I don't know.
Let me think.
Let me knock on mr.
Noggin.
Who could trick us into doing That? -- Satan! Yes.
Scootch, take your bulbous areas And scootch along.
There you go.
All right.
Our next guest is a star of the Mtv show "jersey whore.
" Whoops had a little bit of a Satan twister.
I'm sorry, I meant "jersey Shore.
" Please welcome nicole polizzi.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi, america.
Hi, church lady.
Please, you can call me snooki.
oh, yes, snooki, of course, From the chippewa word that Means drop your shorts, we don't Have much time.
[ laughter .]
Let's just look at you.
Hair teased high to mock the Heavens and a body squeezed into A dress like a sausage into a Casing.
oh, I have squeezed my share Of sausages, church lady.
[ laughter .]
well, isn't that extra Special? it is! such a delightful cackle, Snack ki.
I want to give you a news flash.
You have a demon that lives Inside you.
It's terrible but I want you to Meet a friend of mine, he's a Priest who specializes in Exorcising evil spirits.
Please welcome father sabatino.
oh, a guido! cast out the demon, father.
[ speaking latin .]
you're hot, make out with me! be strong, father.
relent.
the demon is trying to speak.
don't touch my poof! father, please, be strong.
Fight the demon, father.
Fight him, you demon fighter.
this party sucks.
father -- hey, wait up, let's do some Shots! oh, goodness.
Oh, goodness.
[ cheers and applause .]
Sometimes you have to clean up Your little area there.
That wasn't exactly planned.
Well, that was interesting.
Our next guest is a very -- he's A favorite.
Please welcome the clean cut and Wholesome justin bieber.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello, church lady.
well, well, well.
Justin bieber, I don't know why More young men don't just -- Aren't like you on television.
I mean look at that face.
thanks, church lady.
I just kind of do my thing, Trying to send out positive Messages to the other kids.
and I have to say seeing you In person is affecting me in a Way I didn't think it would.
[ laughter .]
With your nice new haircut and Your million dollar smile.
are you okay, church lady? that's right.
Say my name.
Say my name with your angel's Voice.
The voice that makes young Girls' naughty parts tingle.
[ laughter .]
And it seems some older ladies' Naughty parts.
Some older naughty parts that Have been on a lengthy Sabbatical.
[ laughter .]
Now have returned rested with Renewed vigor.
do you need some water or Something? no, I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
Feels as though I'm being a Little tested here.
church lady, this is jesus.
jesus? do not allow yourself to fall Victim to the flesh, church Lady.
Use your willpower.
I'm tired of using my Willpower, jesus.
I want a taste of that sweet Bieber.
[ laughter .]
Just look at him, jesus.
Come on.
Take a gander.
yes.
He is my finest creation.
[ laughter .]
I'll be strong for you, Jesus.
that's my girl.
I'm back.
Justin bieber, I'm feeling like I'm all recovered.
Everything is fine, you were Terrific.
Would you like to join me for a Dance? I'd love it.
hit it, pearl.
Next week, russell brand with Musical guest chris brown.
this spring when trens are In trouble, celebs come to help.
hey there, you're with alan Alda, what's your problem, kid? yeah, some dudes in my school Want me to join a gang.
I don't know what to do.
that is a pickle, you know.
When they asked me to join the Cast of "m.
A.
S.
H.
" I didn't know What to do, but I joined and Life has been cream cheese since Then.
then I'll join that gang Then.
Thanks for the advice, alan Alda.
[ phone ringing .]
this is mickey rooney.
who? I was the number one star in The world.
Do you hear me? Bang.
The world.
how does that help me get Through high school? ask me what ava gardner was Like? what was ava gardner like? you'll never know.
[ phone ringing .]
looks like you're on the Phone with ice-t.
I've never done this before.
you've never made a telephone Call before? no, I have never called one Of these numbers.
But I went to a party last Night, and I think someone put Something in my drink.
like an olive or something? no, I think some guy had a Roofie and dropped it in my cup.
and now you want to return it To him? come on.
Didn't you do an episode about Roof fis on "suv"? ? yeah.
And ice-t was confused then, Too.
Looks like I'm not getting Through to her.
hello.
hi.
I just wish my dad wouldn't Drink so much.
drunk dad, ew, bummer.
yeah.
yeah! yeah.
So what's your advice? I know, right? Oh! [ phone ringing .]
come on, tell eddie murphy Your problems.
I just found out I'm Pregnant.
how old are you? I'm 15.
you're 15? More like you about to be a size It's hilarious.
So funny.
this is serious.
that's crazy, man.
Your ass is going to be the only Girl at spring break with Stretch marks! come on, eddie murphy.
hey, look, I'm just kidding.
You're not even going to get to Go to spring break.
You're going to be home with Your baby watching "yo gabba Gabba," whatever the hell it is.
it may be horrible advice, But it's there.
[ cheers and applause .]
hey.
you're in room 316.
thanks.
welcome to college.
I'm declan, your new roommate.
hey.
I guess we're best friends Now, huh? what? I love you.
this isn't going to be one of Those things where a friendship Starts out fine but then you get Really possessive and crazy Because I'm not really up for That.
what? No.
I'm totally normal.
I saw this stray puppy.
What should we name him? that's a dead rat.
you make me smile.
honey, how is your new Roommate? um -- [ laughter .]
He's definitely trying to kill Me.
are you on the phone? I got the same haircut as you.
that's not my haircut.
Burn the roommate.
ladies and gentlemen, linkin Park! [ cheers and applause .]
put them up like that, put Them up, put them up! Yeah.
this is not the end This is not the beginning Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision but you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empties within 'em We say yeah With fists flying Up in the air like we're holding onto Something that's Invisible there 'cause we're living at the mercy of the pain And the fear Until we dead it forget it Let it all disappear waiting for the End to come Wishing I had Strength to stand this is not what I had planned It's out of my control Flying at the speed of light Thoughts were spinning In my head So many things were left unsaid It's hard to let you go I know what it takes To move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this Life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got Sitting in an empty room Trying to forget the past This was never meant to last I wish it wasn't so I know what it takes To move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this Life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got What was left when That fire was gone I thought it felt right but that right was wrong All caught up in the Eye of the storm And trying to figure out what it's like moving on And I don't even know What kind of things I said My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead Picking up those pieces Now where to begin The hardest part of ending is starting again all I wanna do is trade This life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got this is not the end This is not the beginning Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empties within 'em We say yeah With fists flying up In the air like we're holding onto Something that's Invisible there 'cause we're living at the mercy of the pain And the fear Until we dead it forget it Let it all disappear [ cheers and applause .]
weekend update with seth Meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers and here are Tonight's top stories.
Supporters of president hosni Mubarak rode into cairo's Central square Tuesday on horses And camels and used whips to Attack anti-government Protesters, as well as several Very confused contestants on "the amazing race.
" [ laughter .]
clothing maker kenneth cole Created a controversy on twitter This week with a tweet that said Millions are in uproar in kay Row.
Rumor is they heard about our New spring collection.
It's reminiscent of that gap ad, Everyone in somalia is starving For cords! Egypt has dominated the news This week and with the story of This magnitude, it can be Difficult to keep up, which Brings us to a segment we call "winners and losers: Egypt.
" Let's see some winners and Losers.
First up, winner -- Anderson cooper.
You might think he'd be a loser After getting attacked by angry Mobs twice in a week, but he's a Winner because he still looks Like this.
[ laughter .]
You cannot punch the handsome Off anderson cooper.
[ laughter .]
Loser -- Pundits who say the mubarak Regime is bad but the Alternative may be worse.
That's like your buddy saying Your girlfriend may be ugly but I don't think you could do any Better.
Loser -- Tunisia.
Talk about getting overshadowed.
For three days, the tunisian Revolution was the big story of The middle east and now there's A soundgarden to egypt's Nirvana.
[ laughter .]
"hey, we're from seattle, too.
" "yeah, it's great.
" [ laughter .]
Loser -- Muslim brotherhood.
I don't know if you're bad guys Or not but you got to lose the Word brotherhood.
It making everything sound Scarier.
Bunny rabbits, adorable.
Bunny brotherhood, what are they Planning? Loser -- hosni mubarak.
Winner -- hosni mubarak's face.
He's 82 and he looks great.
Just goes to show egyptians are Great at preserving things.
This has been winners and Losers.
many industry insiders are Wondering if charlie sheen will Pay the salaries of "two and a Half men.
" Be careful, crew, he expects a Lot of crazy stuff when he's Paying you.
denny's has launched a new Ad campaign to brand itself as a Diner where customers can feel a Warmth and connection with Servers instead waf it is now, a 24/7 competitive eating thunder Dome.
for the first time since 1987 one of the host of the Academy awards is also a Nominee.
Here to talk about the oscars, Our good friend james franco.
[ cheers and applause .]
this has been such a busy Year for you.
You were going to college.
You did "general hospital.
" You were in the hofmovie "127 Hours.
" You're hosting and you're a Nominee.
that's not all.
I'm doing the oscars, I'm also Working the coat check room.
I am smelting all the awards Statues in my foundry.
really? I like having jobs.
it seems that way because I Hear you're also teaching a Class that's called "editing James franco with james franco.
" as well as making a Documentary about teaching a Class about documentary editing That I'm directing that is about The class.
I'm confused.
I am, too, but that's because I haven't slept in two years.
it does seem like a lot of Stuff.
I can't stop.
Here is what else I'm doing this Year.
I'm going to be a rabbi.
I'm going to make a documentary About that.
And I'm going to shoot an Underwear ad for jockey.
And I'm also going to be a Jockey.
that's a busy year.
I love doing things.
okay.
I am going to be a wide Receiver at the super bowl Tomorrow.
After that I'm going to disney World to work at space mountain.
[ laughter .]
Yeah, yeah.
And then I might crank out a Ph.
D.
In women's studies.
it does seem like an odd use Of your time.
.
yeah, I use my time oddly, Seth.
all right.
I got to run.
I got to go be a cab driver for Like 45 minutes.
of course.
James franco, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
A woman in los angeles -- hey, cut it out.
I want to do the news, too.
you love everything.
Get out of here.
a woman in lightning has Reportedly filed a $1 trillion Lawsuit against sean diddy combs Claiming he's the father of her Child and that he's also Responsible for 9/11.
So I bet she would consider Settling out of court for a Handful of drugs.
A new study shows that a dog Trained to smell colon cancer in Patients was 95% as accurate as A colonoscopy.
Says the dog, "what can I say? I love what I do.
[ laughter .]
A woman in georgia with 24-inch Long fingernails said that she Grew them that long in hopes of Meeting oprah winfrey, who will No doubt jump at the chance to Meet a lunatic with crazy weapon Hands.
[ laughter .]
According to a report -- Hold on a second.
James, what are you doing? I'm doing the cue cards.
you're the best, james Franco.
According to a report, demand For breast implants in England Grew by more than 10% last year With many women citing a desire To look like christina hendricks From "mad men.
" I guess that's fine, but -- oh, No, not the queen.
[ laughter .]
Oh, you're better than that, the Queen.
But also -- long live the queen.
a colossal winter storm hit The United States with snow and High winds.
Experts say the worst is still To come.
Here to talk about what to Expect is meteorologist and Disco queen, angela dixon.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi, seth.
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm thrilled to meet you.
thanks for coming.
I have to say, that's quite a Switch from disco to weather Expert.
How does that happen? you know, I don't really talk About that the.
The disco thing was long ago.
This is what I do know.
how much more snow can we Expect.
we're in for quite a week Because -- the snow is coming down, down, Down and piling up, up, up it's going here and there and In your face and hair snow is coming down, down, Down [ cheers and applause .]
okay.
Angela, I might be wrong, but I Think your disco past seeped in There a little bit.
really? yeah.
I don't think so.
I am 100% meteorologist now.
okay.
100%.
Well, if that's the case can you Tell us why we've had so many Storms recently? the best I can tell you is -- snow it's everywhere it's Falling snow nobody does snow like I do don't you love me anymore wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.
what? I just -- you sang a disco Song about the snow and then at The end you said "don't you love Me anymore.
" I think I said low pressure System.
no.
You definitely didn't.
I promise you did not.
okay, seth.
I'm going to give you the Forecast.
There's not going to be any Disco.
no disco.
and to prove it, I'm going to Put on my heart-shaped glasses.
oh, I don't think so.
Of it seems like a disco move.
you're in and you're out and You're up and you're down and You're snowing around with my Heart Just like a snowplow angela! pennsylvania, I can't because My car is covered in ice and Rock salt an ice storm [ cheers and applause .]
so there's a captain that you Want out of your life.
yeah, I don't want to talk About it.
we're out of time.
Do you have ni advice for us at All to get through the next Cupcle of winter months? do, do, do if you do, tell us.
Then just tell us.
tell us.
wear gloves [ cheers and applause .]
angela dixon, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
A man in germany has won a mini Cooper by having the word "mini" Tattooed on his penis.
Of course, if you're driving a Mini cooper, no one is ever Going to see that tattoo.
[ laughter .]
And if you're wondering, I am Enjoying my free chevrolet Suburban.
this Thursday was the Chinese new year and marked the Start of the year of the rabbit.
This according to a recent place Mat.
Tuesday was the 34th annual Empire state building run up, Where participants raced up the Building's stairs to the 86th floor.
It's a great event if you love Running marathons but always Wish someone's ass was in your Face.
[ laughter .]
for weekend update, I'm seth Meyers.
Good night! [ cheers and applause .]
it's live with regis and Kelly.
Please welcome your hosts, regis Philbin and kelly ripa! [ cheers and applause .]
how are you? hi, everybody.
how are you, everybody? How are you? It's February 4th.
Welcome to the show.
How are you doing? are you excited for the super Bowl? oh -- we're all very excited.
I'm excited for the game, but Who is this halftime game.
The black eyed beans? That's a side dish.
reg, I'm going to miss you When you lee.
I'm not gone yet.
but have you been reading the Newspapers? Everyone is wondering who is Going to replace you? I know, I know.
It's not just me leaving, pippa, Understand? Our producer galvin is also There, he's retiring.
I'm not leaving, regis.
yes, you are.
Wherever I go, you go, so I can Keep you in swatting distance.
I like it here.
you don't have a choice.
The pharaohs used to be buried With their slaves.
I'm not your slave, reg.
that's what they all say.
well, I thought it would be Fun to go through some of the People they're talking about to Fill your shoes.
all righty.
Here we go.
one of the names being kicked Around is and derson cooper.
didn't he just get socked in The kisser by some crazy Egyptian.
He's not tough enough.
if he can handle egypt, reg, He can handle this show.
those egyptians have nothing On the women who wait outside The studio.
At least the egyptian want Democracy.
These women want to get in my Coat.
up next, some people are Saying howie mandel might be a Good co-host.
good luck with that.
He's a seal with a soul patch.
That's not going to work.
And the germ thing.
The man doesn't shake hands.
What is he going to do when he Meets cheryl channing, give her A fist pump? maybe it's about chemistry, Reg.
Hey, maybe my hubby mark will do It.
mark consuelo? Are you serious? You know what I'm going to give Him as a welcome gives? Divorce papers.
Because you two are not going to Last a week.
I love you pippa, but the only Reason I don't wring your neck Is because we part ways when the Show is over.
stop it.
I don't think you want to Retire.
I have big plans.
I'm starting my own network.
Oprah-style.
oh, yeah, what are you going To call it? well, she says what am I Going to call it? You hear that? I'm calling it regis! This channel is going to have Everything, joey bishop reruns And a reality show called "so You think you can shout.
" Going to be terrific.
I want you to know I'm going To treasure every day hiv Left -- oh, no, kathie lee is Here.
[ cheers and applause .]
kathie lee, what are you Doing here? oh, regis, when I heard today Was your last show I had to come On and say good-bye.
today is not my last show.
what is that, a bird Chirping? Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.
Someone call a hunter and shoot That irritating bird.
what are you going to do? you know, I'm going to sing To you, reg.
you're going to sing.
let me wet my pipes.
god, what is that? that's water.
oh, what's the point of mugs.
Come on now.
chardonnay, white wine in the Morning time she's really out of control.
mace trestro.
here we are.
it's a quarter to 3:00, There's no one in the place Except you and me kathie lee, hoda is looking For you.
tell her I was in a car Accident.
let's get out of here.
I can't take this anymore.
I want to stay.
galvin, I will beat you Within an inch of your life.
you're hurting me.
I'm telling you, I'll put you Away.
I'll miss you, reg.
no one knows who you are.
one for my baby and three more To deal with the show please welcome your pageant Coordinators for this Afternoon, Mr.
And mr.
Leon phillips and Marion sulers.
good morning, everyone.
Thank you for showing up for the Little miss little girl pageant.
it's so good to see all of Your shining faces in the Sheraton governor's ballroom.
how many pageants have we Coordinated in this space? one.
I thought there was more.
there was not.
I think there were Two.
there was not.
Anyway, you all know why we're Here so let's begin the Festivities.
we have a lot of beautiful Girls to talk about today.
these are some of the most Fabulous faces of 2011.
let's meet them now.
Make that work.
Here on the run wayne right now Is donna elise van donan.
donna is age 11.
She's from austin, texas.
She's into cheeseburgers and Anything cheeseburger.
Her favorite thing to do in the Morning is wake up.
Thank you, donna.
[ laughter .]
that's killer, that's killer.
Next up is vonda kara mcmillen.
Vonda tans in las vegas, nevada.
She dreams of either being a Nurse or one day getting to know A nurse real good.
she likes playing with her Doll basket and loves to pretend Vacuum.
She hopes to one day real Vacuum.
Thank you, vonda.
Next is tatum valerie dunn.
that's from tennessee, and She is the entire package.
She won best overall face at the Little miss maybe you heard About me pageant.
She also loves to skip over mud In safety, but her favorite Thing in the world is spraying Whip cream on a paper plate and Filling up her sleeping Grandma's mouth with it.
Thank you, tatum.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I said, "thank you.
" You may go now, tatum.
All right.
Did you see that? She wasn't leaving.
I felt bad for her.
That was scary.
it is scary.
I was super scared.
next up is Tamma janet wentworth.
tamma is from birmingham.
She's 5 and she knows it.
She likes to talk through toilet Paper tubes and said one of her Most memorable moments was Chasing a squirrel until she Couldn't see it anymore.
[ laughter .]
To this day she still wonders Where that squirrel went.
next is brendan james vincent Hog.
[ laughter .]
that's a boy.
this boy competes in the Girl's pageant.
this is allowed by the Rulebook until he turns 11.
at which point he will be Forced to drop out of all Pageants and find another way of Expressing himself.
that's right.
He enjoys tap dancing and Sizzling.
His favorite things are Glitz blitz and joan rivers.
he loves to make bubbles with His own saliva, and one day Wants to abolish the 11-year Cutoff point for boys in the Pageant rulebook.
Why don't we bring them all back Out for one last look? that's right.
All right, contestants, we have A surprise question for you.
If you could describe yourself In one word, what would it be? america.
what's your word, precious? precious! darling, one word to describe You? me! [ laughter .]
one word.
learning disabled.
[ laughter .]
sugar pie, that was two Words.
You only needed one.
What's your, pistol? patootie.
thanks so much for those Moving descriptions.
So there they are.
Take a good look at them.
These are the contestants who Have been disqualified because Your parents entry fee check Bounced.
next time make sure your Parents have enough money in the Bank to cover the checks they Write.
get out of here! I was scared.
[ cheers and applause .]
in today's turbulent times It can seem like all the news is Bad but as hard as it is to hear Bad news, it's even harder to Give it.
Finally, there's a solution.
how are you? So are you experiencing lower Profits at your company? Needing cutbacks but dreading It.
Look, here is the thing I'll do It for you.
I'm deirdre and I'm really good At it and people love me.
I'm sincere and I care about You.
Just take a look.
You're here because you're all Fired and, look,all, I Apologize.
I feel really bad but it is what It issa It is, y'all.
There's plenty of opportunities Out there and you have to seize The day and put yourself out There and, again, I do apologize But what can I do? I also handle divorces.
He wants a divorce.
He doesn't like you anymore, and That's just the way it is.
You know, move on with your life And you'll find someone else.
We never plan for these things, But they happen, and, sorry, I Do apologize, y'all, that's the Way it goes.
she pointed out it had indeed Happened and it was the way it Goes and that made me feel Really good.
Thanks.
you know, it's like I had to Deal with some of the worst Stuff ever.
Like I had to tell these bosnian Woman, look, your village is Gone, it's been pillaged.
They took everything and they Burned it down and it's really Sad for you, you know, but, you Know, we have to look at it from Both sides of the equation here.
It is what it is, and you just Have to learn from it.
And I apologies, I do.
I felt better when she Apologized.
I feel like I know how to Talk to people and break news to Them.
That being said, I don't do bad News about pets and I lts don't Go into hospitals and, you know, You have to deal with that.
I do apologize for that, but That's the way it is.
E-mail me today.
the sad news works@hot Mail.
Com.
well, once again -- linkin park! [ cheers and applause .]
[ sirens .]
ready? Let's go! I am not a pattern To be followed The pill that I'm on Is a tough one to swallow I'm not a criminal Not a role model Not a born leader I'm a tough act to follow I am not the fortune And the fame Nor the same person telling You to forfeit the game I came in the ring like A dog on a chain And I found out the Underbelly is sicker than it seems And it's seems ugly But it can get worse 'cause even a blueprint is a gift and a curse Once you got the theory Of how the thing works Everybody wants the next thing to be just Like the first And I'm not a robot I'm not a monkey I will not dance even If the beat's funky Opposite of lazy Far from a punk y'all ought to stop Talking Start tryin' to catch up oooooooh, ooooooh Ooooooooh oooooooh Lauryn said money Change a situation big said it increases The complication Kane said don't stab I ain't the one Chuck said that uzi weigh A ton And I'm just a student of the game that They taught me Rock in every stage in every Place that they brought me I'm awfully underrated But came here to correct it And so it ain't mistakin' I'm a state it for the record I am the opposite of wack Opposite of weak Opposite of slack synonym of heat Synonym of crack Closest to a peak Far from a punk y'all ought to stop talking Start tryin' to catch up Everybody say Ooooooooooooh, ooooooooh oooooooooh, ooooooooooh oh when they come for me Come for me I'll be gone Oh when they come for me come for me I'll be gone Oh when they come for me Come for me I'll be gone And all the people say Oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh try to catch up oooooooooh, Oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh oooooooooh, oooooooooh Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh [ cheers and applause .]
green bay! [ cheers and applause .]
hey, guys, we got a lot of Great super bowl specials, nacho Bar, hot wings, two for one pbrs And my wife's brother's band is Going to play some music.
what? hello.
Excuse me, everyone, hello.
Hello.
Can we have your attention, Please? zhou mind.
We're the fingerlings, and I Know your game is starting soon.
We've got a few minutes so we're Going to play some music for You.
and a special thank you to My brother-in-law patrick for Lets us use this place.
oh, come on! now, look, you're not going To miss any of your big game, we Promise.
maybe a few minutes, that's All.
a few minutes at the most.
Huck be big boys and appreciate What we do.
shall we? This song was actually inspired By the super bowl, you know.
Here we go.
standing in the motel room Looking out at the Neon lights Your fingers kiss my lips as we Drove through the paris night Weeping in the morning rain with Blue mascara running down by Face dancing with my trousers off At that disco All I can say is embrace me embrace me under the leon Lights embrace me do you know what we're Talking about, fellow? shut up, the game is Starting.
yeah.
Shut it, green bay! I'm going to switch this off.
come on! please be patient.
This is the visual portion of Our show.
listen, we're not being rude To you.
So there's no reason to raise Your voices to us.
This is about the super bowl Anyway.
that's right, it's about the Super bowl.
smearing my lipstick On the bedroom mirror While I cry about you lipstick? traipsing through the streets Of rome with sparkles in my Hair all I can say is embrace me Embrace me Under the neon lights Embrace me the game is starting right Now.
Patrick, shut them off, come on.
I'm sorry.
I promised my wife.
They'll be done soon.
pat, please.
you know, the longer you Carry on like that, the more of The game you're going to miss.
let's hear you all.
embrace me come on, for the packers.
no! embrace me under the neon lights Embrace me under the neon lights embrace Me we mean it.
Has everyone gone then? yeah.
were the drinks too Expensive? no, it was more about you Guys.
did you like the song? no.
did you like the song? No.
a tiny bit.
yeah.
well come on then.
embrace me.
Under the neon lights embrace Me Thanks to linkin park, justin Bieber, john lovitz, lorne Micha Michae Michaels.
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television