Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e15 Episode Script
Russell Brand
you're about to enter a no Spin zone.
In fact, it begins right now.
Hello.
I'm bill o'reilly.
[ cheers and applause .]
And thank you for watching "the Factor.
" Tonight's top story, the results Are in.
My presuper bowl interview with President obama and the football Game that followed it had a Combined audience of over 200 Million people.
Making it the most watched Television event in human History.
Once again, I have you, "the Factor" viewers to thank.
We have more reaction to parts One and two of my interview Later on "the factor.
" But first, here is part three of My conversation with president Obama.
all right, mr.
President, Let's talk about afghanistan.
Big problem.
You got this clown moammar Gadhafi running the place and He's a crook.
What do you do? first of all, bill, I have to Correct you.
The president of afghanistan is Hamid karzai.
why, what did I say? you said gadhafi.
it is gadhafi.
no, it's not.
It's hamid karzai.
mr.
President, I like you, Okay? You're a good guy, and I truly Believe as president you're Doing the best you can for the Country.
But I'm pretty sure it's Gadhafi.
bill, it's karzai.
lisa! yes? lisa, that pinhead who is Running afghanistan, the President, I need his name.
I don't need his name.
It's karzai.
relax.
This way we'll know for sure, Okay? I'm not saying you're wrong.
You could be writright.
You could be right.
In the meantime back to Afghanistan.
We've been there ten years, What's your plan? it's clear afghanistan has Begun to stabilize.
well -- I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Maybe, no, it's a pocket,ssibil But I don't know.
mr.
O'reilly, it's definitely Gadhafi.
that's what I thought.
Mr.
President, egypt.
A lot of turmoil, people in the Streets, all that jazz.
What's going to happen? bill, the egyptian people Have spoken clearly.
as you know "the factor" has Been on the egypt thing for a Couple days now and this mubarak Guy, trust me, he ain't going Nowhere.
He's going to be there a long Time.
But he knows we're on him Because he's a "factor" viewer.
I don't think he's going to try Any funny stuff.
Not with "the factor" stuff.
He could be, maybe, but I doubt It.
that's good to know.
a couple more questions.
The segment we call the culture Quiz.
First up, the andy griffith show Delighted american tv awediens From 1960 to '68 which member of The cast went on to direct the Beautiful mind and da vinci Code? Was it don knotts, jim nay bors, Or henry winkler.
it was ron howard.
use the paddle.
yeah.
it was "b," ron howard.
you're right.
Correct.
Very good, mr.
President.
Very good.
Number two.
"gunsmoke" was the longest Running tv series in history Starring james arness as marshal Matt dillon.
Who played the role of the Glamorous dance hall girl kitty? Was it donna reid, connie Stevens, amanda blake, or raquel Welch? I'm going to say amanda Blake.
oh, way to go, mr.
President! Two for two.
it was a lucky guess.
uh-huh.
Now we got time for our viewer Mail.
do I have to stay for this? sit down! [ laughter .]
About our segment on out of Control judges, bill wrote you Are without question the most Intelligent person ever to Appear on television.
Why, thank you, james.
Thank you very much.
That's nice to hear.
And charlotte woodward writes This verse, there was once a Newsman named bill whose "factor" program gave everyone a Thrill.
It was just like a school where No spin was the rule and our Heads with knowledge it did Fill.
Very good, charlotte.
Excellent poem, don't you think So, mr.
President? it was okay.
uh-huh.
[ laughter .]
both charlotte and jim as Well as you, mr.
President, will Be getting our no spin zone tote Bag and "factor" wind breakers.
very kind of you.
as always feel free to write Us at the "factor" name and town If you opine.
And don't be long winded.
That's our vocabulary word for The day, long winded.
You know that word, mr.
President? yes, I do.
Now, can I go? hang on, hang on.
That's all the time we have Tonight on "the factor.
" Please join us here tomorrow Because the spin stops here and Live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wigg Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharaoh Musical guest -- Chris brown And your host -- Russell brand Ladies and gentlemen, russell Brand! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- [ cheers and applause .]
thank you! Thank you.
Thank you so much for clapping Me.
I'm honored to be here.
Thank you.
Already laughing.
Nothing has happened.
It's amazing.
It's truly amazing for me to be Here as an english comedian in Your beautiful country hosting Your most fantastic show.
Thank you, I'm honored, honored To be here.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
I'm just pointing out that I am A comedian because just in Case -- this is a difficult Thing for me to point out, but You should know.
I'm much more famous in England Than I am here, okay? I don't get any pleasure from Telling you that.
It's embarrassing.
It's not a good thing to have to Tell people, fame really loses Its edge if you have to tell People you have it.
You know, I'm famous.
That's like telling people You're sexually attractive.
It really takes the edge off.
Makes people recoil somewhat, But I'm telling you not to Boast, you want you to trust me, I'm here hosting one of your Great institutions.
I want you to know I'm not here To try to reclaim this colony For her majesty.
You've done a wonderful job.
It's yours now.
It's definitely yours.
I'm only mentioning that I'm More famous in England just in Case you're worried about how Tight my trousers are.
Okay? Because in England when you're Famous, this is how tight you Can wear your trousers.
[ laughter .]
Without fame, people might Question my sanity.
Why are his pants so tight? What's wrong with that guy? I don't want you to be worried About it.
In England tight pants means You're famous.
In america tight pants means Additional screening at jfk Airport I learned earlier today.
And I'd like to take this Opportunity to thank juan in Immigration for the tenderness Of your touch.
It was almost a romantic Experience.
Normally if in an airport you See somebody put a rubber glove On, it's time to worry, but, Juan, you were beautiful.
Thank you for making is to Wonderful for me.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thanks for the clapping.
I appreciate it.
Also, I want to point out that Over the course of the show Because there will be Magnificent sketches obviously, That will be wonderful, you will See me wearing looser trousers.
You might feel a sense of Relief, oh, he's wearing looser Trousers now.
Let me assure you, I will be Wearing a pair of tight trousers Under those loose trousers.
Not really as a fashion choice Anymore.
More of an obligation.
If you've worn tight trousers For as long as I have, it Induces a kind of chaos down There and the trousers Essentially holds things Together.
If I take these off, it just Springs into chaos! It's essentially the same Principle behind a Jack-in-the-box.
I mean, the children's toy, not The burger.
That would be awful.
Not like a jack-in-the-box Burger.
No one wants fries with that.
There's no way to have a meal.
[ laughter .]
I like these guys.
Musical accompaniment.
I live in your country now, Which I adore and I respect and I love and let me be clear, but I have become very patriotic Since I have been here.
When I was in England, I wasn't That patriotic.
I was a bit more rebellious and Saucy.
Here I'm very patriotic about The queen.
So much so that if collin firth Doesn't win the oscar for "the King's speven," I think I'm Going to lose myself.
I'm not going to be able to take It, and he's just a pretend King.
Let's get behind collin and his Oscar, please.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
Also, natalie portman I think Will win oscar for "black swan," Won't she? She will.
And I think that's quite right.
You know, but I do want to point Something out to all of you as a Matter of fact.
Now, people say natalie portman, She deserve that is oscar Because in her preparation for "black swan" she did five hours Of dancing every day.
She did all of that training, Right? Well, I was in a film called "get him to the greek" -- [ cheers and applause .]
In that film I played a sex Addicted drug addicted Narcissistic english Entertainer.
I prepared for that role for 20 Years.
[ laughter .]
One of the consequences Fortunately's preparation, a few Bunions and blisters.
You can scrape them off with a Butter knife.
I have hep approximac preparing Role.
I haven't got hepatitis c.
Hep c, not hypothetical c.
The real thing.
Talking of hepatitis c, it's Valentine's day tomorrow! [ cheers and applause .]
I'd like to take this Opportunity to say happy Valentine's day to my wife, katy Perry.
[ cheers and applause .]
People are often curious Actually.
They say, oh, what's it like Being married to katy perry? And it's very nice, I like it.
I'm not complaining.
It's nice to be married to katy Perry.
It's nice to be married to Anyone, I think.
I'm just glad anyone will have Me.
You'll be surprised how ordinary The marriage is.
And I'll demonstrate to you now With language the ordinariness Of the marriage.
Here is an example of how Ordinary my marriage is.
One, the other day I was wearing A shirt and she went, "are you Wearing that shirt out?" Right? And it was not a proper Question.
It was like she meant get it Off.
I had to take it off.
Two, the other day she lent my Car to her brother without Asking, and I was going to get Angry but then I thought that's Such a lovely, normal problem to Have.
My wife lent my car to her Brother.
When I think of the problems I Used to have which were much More like "russell, the police Are at the door!" Flush the drugs down the toilet.
They've got sniffer dogs with Them.
Wow, sniffer dogs, bring them In.
Dogs with jobs! [ laughter .]
That's amazing! That is amazing.
You got jobs? Have you got jobs? You got a job, don't you, don't You? Step this way, please, sir.
Okay.
I'm come quietly.
And also, and this is a normal Thing, anyone here who is Married I think any man here at Least married will recognize This problem.
Say there's a noise in the Nighttime in my house, in the Nighttime, a frightening Downstairs noise, I have to go And look in the night.
Katy will just go "russell, There's a noise, go and look, See what it is in case it's a Burgl Burglar.
" It would be horrible for me! What am I going to say.
It's embarrassing also.
Hello, I see you're here Burglaring my house.
Don't be alarmed, I'm much more Famous in England.
I'm in these tight pajamas.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you Very much.
[ cheers and applause .]
concussions, Neck injuries, Broken bones.
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" [ laughter .]
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I love spider-man but I Didn't love it when someone Dressed like spider-man fell on My head.
Frank gublin not only got my Tickets refunded, he also got me Two additional tickets to a Future performance of "spider-man: Turn off the dark.
" Thanks, frank gublin.
I was the sixth actor to play Spider-man, then a harness came Loose and I was shot through the Crowd, out an open window and on To 42nd street, where I was hit By a passing bus.
Thanks to frank gublin, I Received a settlement of 40 tickets.
are we the only new york firm Specializing in "spider-man: Turn off the dark" injuries? No.
Are we the best? You bet.
I'm a prominent irish rock Star who had his reputation Irreparably damaged by this Show.
I called frank gublin and thanks To him, I received a settlement Of one ticket to a future Performance of "spider-man: Turn Off the dark.
" we've settled all kinds of Complaints.
Didn't like the song, Confused by the plot, Insulted legacy of spider-man, Fell asleep so suddenly, I hit Head on seat in front of me, Sucky title, Green goblin's pants fell down, Saw package.
[ laughter .]
did frank gublin get me a Settlement? Why don't you ask my new Spider-man hat? thanks, frank gublin.
the reviews are in.
guilty.
what are you waiting for? Call frank dublin today.
gublin and greene.
"spider-man: Turn off the dark" Injury lawyers.
hi, everybody.
I am cheryl brown, and you know What that means? You are watching ultimate Vacation giveaway.
Millions of you have entered for Our six week dream vacation, but There can only be one winner, And I am outside his house right Now.
I cannot believe I'm going to Knock on that door.
Come on! This is so exciting.
I cannot wait to see his face.
[ laughter .]
mr.
Gregory evans? yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
well, greg, guess what? We are live, and you have won Travel channel's ultimate Vacation giveaway.
You won! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! [ laughter .]
huh, really? well, yeah, really.
Woo-h Woo-hoo! It is six weeks on a private Yacht.
We're on live tv.
Can you believe this, greg? Look in the camera.
How do you feel? I feel -- Good, I guess.
come on! Come on, get excited.
This is what people want to see.
Whoo! This whole trip is worth $50,000! I hope I don't got to pay Taxes on that, do I? you might, I don't know.
[ laughter .]
You still got to be really happy About it.
Come on and show it on tv! Whoo! Yeah! Come on, come on.
Whoo! I can't believe I won! I have a question, okay? Are you ready to snorkel? I don't know how to swim.
[ laughter .]
why did you enter to win a Cruise? Guess what? You leave Friday! Whoo! do I have to get up early? maybe this will get you Pumped.
Ready? Whoo! Come on now.
Yeah! Come on now yeah! How much time do we have left? I'm starting to get a little Anxiety.
Having a hard time breathing.
Okay.
What? Okay, good, yes.
I'm okay.
Yes.
Good, yes.
Right now we are all just going To take a look back at some of Our past winners, okay, greg, And some of their reactions.
I love how jacked up they get.
You should watch them and get Jacked up, too, because you're Not doing anything.
oh, my god, I've never been On vacation before in my life! Whoo! I'm so happy! yeah! I'm out of this stink town! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, suck on that! Suck on that! [ laughter .]
you won! Did you see that one guy? He messed his pants.
Did you? You are dry.
These pants are thin.
hey, greg.
hey.
sorry, am I interrupting? no.
yes, yes, he just won a six Week vacation! oh, neat.
Here is your mail.
okay.
Well, folks, thankfully we are Out of time.
So I just want to say -- oh, my god.
It's the bpottery barn catalog.
The annual drape event.
Free shipping.
Four more years! Four more years! there you have it.
To greg from me and the travel Channel.
cheryl, watch out for that Gutter.
what? [ laughter .]
oh, yeah! [ cheers and applause .]
kelly donovan spent 17 years In an english prison.
do you really feel that You're rehabilitated, Mr.
Donovan.
yeah, that's right.
and vowed to turn away from a Life of crime.
I got a job for you, terry.
nah, I don't do that kind of Thing anymore.
but he'll pick up a gun, once Again, to defend the only thing He loves.
if you don't do what we Say -- [ muttering .]
the critics of raving, British, extremely british.
I didn't understand what they Were saying.
[ muttering .]
from the producers of "sexy Beast," "the red riding trilogy" And "lock stock" and "two smoking barrels.
" burn for you! [ muttering .]
and the director of "round The bend," "grow up, all right" Comes the toughest, grittiest, Most british crime drama of the Year.
don't go round, round me Round.
don't go round and round.
usa today says I thought they Were speaking a foreign Language.
I don't think I heard a single Thing.
if we don't pay, they're Going to kill us.
darling, go say I told him -- [ muttering .]
but what if you're wrong? [ laughter .]
[ muttering .]
"time" magazine says, is For a movie in english? If so, which button is it? all right.
hey, hey.
oh.
Why didn't you say so.
peter travers of "rolling Stone" says, the one guy in the Track suit, gypsy or crispy -- He was good.
Either way, it seemed like a lot Of killing over a very small Amount of money.
don't you go round and round To rero.
next Sunday -- [ muttering .]
what? in medieval England it was Customary for kings to employ a Royal taster.
These brave souls would try all Of the monarch's food to ensure It contained no poison.
Our story takes place in the Court of king reginald.
king reginald, thank you so Much for choosing me to be your Royal taster.
what can I say, I am a man of Great taste.
very funny.
thank you.
It's nice to hear a kind word After a day of receiving death Threats.
death threats? yes.
I'm a very unpopular king, but Fear not, we're quite safe here.
that's good.
yes.
I have no enemies within these Walls.
Chef! Get your fat, ignorant ass in Here! [ laughter .]
what do you want now, you Monster? why is your chef so angry With you? oh, last night's beef was a Little tough, so I had his Family killed.
and this gentleman prepares All your food? yes.
The ones you'll be tasting.
Chef, pretend you have a brain, And bring me some beet soup Because that's all you're good For! you've been riding me for Years.
Every day pushing me closer and Closer to the edge! Oh, I'll get you your beet soup, And it's going to be a meal to Die for! [ light laughter .]
sounds tasty.
king, I think the chef means To poison you.
oh, no.
Don't worry about that.
He's all bluster.
Isn't that right, you ass-mouth Chef? You don't have the stones to Challenge me.
Oh, sure, you may be my cousin, Who's next in line to be king.
Meaning if I die, you instantly Become king, but right now You're nothing but a cowardly Chef! See, I humiliate you.
I mock you with the bread you Bake! oh, I'm going to poison you! I'm going to put poison in your Food, and you are going to die From the poison! wow.
He just came out and said it There.
sorry? Oh, come on.
Relax.
What's the worst he could do? feed us poison.
I think you're being a bit Paranoid.
Oh, goody, soup.
Be a lamb and taste it, will You? Wait! You can't eat this.
oh, thank god.
no, it still needs salt.
Salt it, you moron! oh! [ laughter .]
that's very obviously poison.
oh, calm down, taster.
I think you're being rather Cynical.
choke it down, you devil! Choke it down and eat it.
Oh, I'm sorry, you first.
you know what? It's actually very good.
There's a subtle hint of -- chef? hmm? did you just try to poison Me? I'll never tell.
oh, you cheeky, chef.
You're the best in the biz.
Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster.
this has been "the king's Speech.
" Now you can say you saw it.
ladies and gentlemen, chris Brown! [ cheers and applause .]
move your body Out on the floor Put your troubles aside And start living anybody can let go Throw away all your problems Cause right now it's Party time girl don't feel outta place Cause I, I'm in love with This feeling now And I hope that this will last a while We should make it Last a while You like to drink so do we Get more bottles Bring 'em to me Hold your glasses up people everywhere Now everybody put your Hands in the air say Yeah, yeah, yeah girl I wanna Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna see you tonight Yeah, yeah, yeah girl I gotta, I gotta I gotta I gotta see you tonight oh oh, let me see Your hands oh oh, tonight is the night All the pretty young things in the party Let me see your hands up And if they mad and they Don't wanna party so dj turn And watch me turn it up Don't worry bout it we Here to party so jump, jump, jump, jump Girl I gotta, I gotta I gotta I gotta see you tonight yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah tonight is the night Tonight is the night Tonight is the night [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update with seth Meyers.
" [ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
And here are tonight's top Stories.
history was made Friday when Egyptian president hosni mubarak Bowed to pressure from peaceful Protesters and stepped down from Office.
No word what he will do next but There's really only one job Available for an 82-year-old Man.
[ laughter .]
This week was the conservative Political action conference or Cpac, an annual meeting of Conservative politicians and Activists or as some call it tea Party comic-con.
[ laughter .]
Dick cheney made a surprise Appearance at the cpac Thursday To present donald rumsfeld with The defender of the constitution Award.
And if you're wondering, yes, The irony was lost on them.
[ laughter .]
Representative christopher lee, A married congressman from new York state, abruptly resigned His seat on Wednesday after the Website gawker posted shirtless Pictures he took of himself and Sent to a woman he met on Craigslist.
Eh, say what you will about Hosni mubarak, but at least you Don't know what his nipples look Like.
[ laughter .]
Also, nothing looks more rent Than having the phone in the Dirty picture you're taking.
Here is my idea.
An app that automatically Replaces the phone in your dirty Pictures.
For example, isn't this picture Better with a fan? [ laughter .]
Or how about a shake weight? [ laughter .]
How about an elmo puppet? [ laughter .]
Actually it's way worse with the Elmo puppet, don't do that.
this Sunday's super bowl was The most watched show ever on Television with a record 111 Million viewers or as christina Aguilera was reassured, hardly Anyone.
on Friday after 18 days of Protests egyptian president Hosni mubarak finally stepped Down.
Here to give us his version of Events, hosni, mubarak.
hello, hello.
solt how are things? not great, seth.
30 years in power and all I have To show for it is $70 billion of The egyptian people's money.
[ laughter .]
Hsk, my friends, seth.
I have made so many friends.
People were so sad to see me go.
I don't know if that was the Case.
Now, many expected you were Going to resign on Thursday.
Instead you gave a very defiant Speech saying you would stay in Power.
What was your plan there? my plan was simple.
I will say, I hear your Complaints, I am proud of you, And, therefore, I am not Resigning.
Basically I was trying the old Jedi mind trick.
It turned out I was the droid They were looking for.
so you resigned on Friday.
It must have been very hard for You.
it was.
My secretary of 30 years said to Me, she took my hands and looked Me in the eyes and said, you Have raped this country.
May the jackal headed god anubis Feast on your entrails in hell.
It was very sweet.
sounds like she was angry.
And now the report the swiss Bank has frozen your funds.
I know! [ laughter .]
Can you believe it, seth? They said we think you may have Come by your money illegally.
And I was like, duh! Of course I came by it Illegally.
Why do you think I put it in a Swiss bank? I am not swiss.
I didn't do it for the Convenient atm locations.
I should have listened to my Grant father who said always Bury your money in a sarcophagus Under a pyramid.
well, I do want to thank you For stopping by.
before I go I want to take a Moment to thank the american People.
you don't have do that.
yes, I do.
Important to me, seth.
Bring the camera in a little, a Little closer.
America, thank you.
You propped up my regime for Over 30 years.
I could never have done it Without all of your money and Support and tear gas.
You know what they say, seth, Behind every horrible dictator Is an enabling super power.
America -- you are the wind beneath my Wings definitely, you don't have to Tell people that about us.
I'm not done, seth.
Was I perfect? No.
Did I do my best? I did not.
Did I care about my people? Not really.
[ laughter .]
Did I steal at every Opportunity? You bet.
I think I lost my train of Thought.
[ laughter .]
hosni mubarak, everybody! it was announced month that Aol is buying "the huffington Post" website for $315 million.
A spokesman for aol was quoted As saying -- [ modem sounds .]
According to reports iran's Government has banned iranian tv Channels from showing cooking Programs that present recipes For foreign cuisine.
So look for iran's newest Cooking show, hummus again? It was announced Tuesday that Keith olbermann will host a Nightly prime time news and Commentary show on current tv.
If you're not familiar current Tv, it's a channel founded by al Gore.
If you are familiar with current Tv, congratulations on being al Gore.
[ laughter .]
a woman in England returned A jack russell terrier that she Had adopted from a shelter two Days earlier because she said he Clashed with her curtains.
And maybe don't let her take any Other dogs home because it Sounds like she might be making A rug.
[ laughter .]
I'm protecting the dogs.
According to a new poll the two Most popular super powers people Want are the ability to time Travel and read minds.
Said aqua man, so nobody went For talking to fish? [ laughter .]
Your loss.
They say some pretty interesting Things.
If you need me, I will be at the Bottom of the ocean.
[ laughter .]
Monday is valentine's day, and Here to debut their new Valentine's day single, please Welcome lil wayne and eminem.
[ cheers and applause .]
yep.
Wez at a baby "snl.
" Ya dig? so you two have written a Valentine's day song.
About valentine's day.
yeah, seth.
It goes out to all the ladies.
okay.
Now, in the past some women have Criticized you for what are Considered misogynistic lyrics.
this is a song straight from The heart.
We wrote it while drinking red Wine and watching "the Notebook.
" [ laughter .]
so there's nothing offensive In this song? if there was we took it out.
all right.
So it's just a regular love Song.
that's right.
Here we go.
This song is called "softer.
" that's a nice title.
I like it.
yeah, love your body, girl I'm Just love struck so let's go home it's time to -- baby let's cruise on my love Boat if not I'm gonna -- your Throat whoa.
Stop you right there.
Even though there are words Missing, I still get the feeling Women won't be too happy about This valentine's day song.
huh? in the last lyric even though You didn't actually say it I'm Pretty sure you were going do Something bad to a lady's Throat.
I mean, I could have been Kissing on her threat.
were you kissing on her Throat? maybe.
I'm pretty sure women aren't Going to like this song.
come on, seth, we're trying Really hard to be nice.
Just listen to em's verse.
I'd love to.
Hit it.
happy valentine in my trunk Ain't going to buy you chocolate Or a picture in a market from Target no, no, no.
Hold on.
[ cheers and applause .]
there is no nice thing to say To a woman that ends in night.
chocolate cake or brownie.
were you willing to get her Chocolate cake or brownies? I don't want to hear this Anymore.
come on, seth.
Give us another chance.
There's nothing in the chorus That's offensive.
do you promise? cross my wheezy heart.
Here we go.
in a car And your mama too no, no, that is enough.
[ cheers and applause .]
a doctor in colorado is Converted two trailers into Mobile doctors offices to help Dispense medical marijuana to Patients in rural areas.
Wait, I'm sorry, I read that Wrong.
Some guy in colorado is selling Weed out of a trailer.
A woman in queens, new york, Says she was shocked when she Played a diego cartoon dvd that She bought at a local toys "r" Us for her son and it turned out To be a porn movie titled "bubble butt bonanza 17.
" [ laughter .]
Too bad she wasn't patient.
At the 14 in my opinion mark Diego shows up.
[ laughter .]
Did the anyone order a pizza con Chorizo? [ laughter .]
In an upcoming interview with "60 minutes," lady gaga says When she's with someone in bed, They call her stephanie and not By her stage name since that Would freak her out.
I think the most surprising part Of this story to me is that she Has sex in a bed.
[ laughter .]
Authorities in England have Given permission to a local Swimming pool to use energy from The next door crematorium to Heat its water.
They just have to get everyone Out of the pool once in a while To skim out the ghosts.
[ laughter .]
on valentine's day thousands Of new york couples will be Stepping out to some of the City's most romantic spots.
Here with some tips on where to Go to make the evening truly Unforgettable, our city Correspondent, stephan.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi.
hi, stephan.
How have you been? the same.
[ laughter .]
okay.
The weather has been crazy, Right? I know.
Everywhere I go it's like 100 Degrees.
[ laughter .]
right, right.
Now, stephan, lots of new york Couples will be stepping out for Valentine's day.
Where should they go if they Want an evening to remember? I have the perfect spot.
New york's hottest club is boof.
[ laughter .]
Located in an abandoned Orphanage on the lower lower East side of chelsea.
This round the clock puke party Is the creation of narcoleptic Club owner snoozen lucci.
[ laughter .]
And this place has everything.
Pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a Wise old turtle that looks like Quincy jones.
[ laughter .]
L and you'll have your own "when Harry met sally" moment when you Share a special kiss with "gizblo the coked up gremlin.
" [ laughter .]
[ gremlin noises .]
I'll have what she's having.
[ laughter .]
let me get a pen.
What was the name of that place Again? boof with nine "os.
" got it.
Now I know that I will Definitely not go there.
why not? maybe I should be more Specific.
Take me, for example.
gladly.
I'm trying to find a place to Take my serious girlfriend.
this always happens to me.
we've been dating for a Couple years.
boy, do I know how to pick Them.
I work so darn much.
you got to pay the bills.
I just want Monday night to Be special.
stephan to be rescue.
New york's hottest valentine's Day club is -- by 90-year-old Club promoter fuji houser md.
It has everything.
Stun guns, mall people, freezing Cold air.
And this valentine's day, you Can lose yourself on the dance Floor surrounded by 12 dancing Jupids.
jupids? jewish cupids.
[ laughter .]
oh.
I just want you to meet Someone nice and settle down.
[ laughter .]
I got to be honest.
what? I don't think my girlfriend Would like that.
you should probably break up With her and do like a total 180 Or something.
no! [ laughter .]
No, stephan.
Do you have any tips for how to Have a simple romantic Nonpsychotic valentine's day? yes.
You don't need to leave the House.
Just give the person you love a Romantic valentine's day gift.
you mean like a box of Chocolate? no, like human suitcases.
what is a human suitcase? it's a thing when a midget on Roller skates wears all of your Clothes and then you pull them Through an airport.
[ laughter .]
staffan.
a human suitcase.
Would you give your valentine One of those? stephan is single right now.
He doesn't have a valentine.
Oh! oh! well, maybe just for tonight, And just for tonight, you can be My valentine.
you mean it? yeah.
I guess I got struck by jupids Arrow.
[ cheers and applause .]
welcome to livin' single.
She's the best-selling author, And she did it all without a Man.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dena deanglo is living single! [ cheers and applause .]
simple kind of girl in a Simple kind of world thank you.
Single and loving it.
Say hi.
hi.
Guys, whether you're a widow, a Divorcee, a single military Personnel or a solo girl who Just don't give a dang -- This show is for you.
Right, guys? [ cheers and applause .]
Single and loving it thanks to You.
I left my husband and now I'm Single and stronger.
are you so happy? almost.
dj terry, I see you.
you're changing lives, dena.
you are such a good friend.
You know, dj terry has asked me Out 11 times, and each time I Have said no.
Not because I don't think he's a Super cool dude, but because I Know that he and I are better Off single! it really is better.
You're amazing.
okay.
So, who hates valentine's day? Boo, right? Well, you don't have to hate it Anymore.
Just do what I do, ladies.
Get your white wine and draw Your bubble bath and spoil Yourself.
or you can go on a date with Your dj! very funny, dude.
right? now, even if you're single, Valentine's day is all about the Sweets.
So, we have a renowned pastry Chef here today.
This guy is cool, you guys! Please welcome damian cryer.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you for coming, damian! it's an absolute and eternal Pleasure.
oh, you're british and much Taller than I expected.
and you're american and much Lovelier than I expected.
Oh, there's something on your Face.
What is it? Oh, it's my hand.
oh.
Okay.
[ laughter .]
That just happened.
Okay.
Damien, let's talk v day Desserts for one.
certainly.
Dena, what is the most Decadent, luxurious, and Arousing food? uh -- I don't know.
well, it's chocolate, isn't It? Do you need a little taste? [ laughter .]
you just do whatever you Want, don't you? or whomever I want.
you're funny.
Terry, are you loving this guy? [ laughter .]
he's great.
okay.
Now, we're going to make a mini Chocolate lava cake.
It's positively sinful.
Do you like sinful things, dena? Is it sinful if I put your hand On my pectoral? Is that okay? we're having a blast on livin Single, huh? Give us a beat, terry.
no! [ laughter .]
I don't want to give him the Beat.
terry, it's your job.
[ laughter .]
okay.
Now, dena, gosh, that was good.
Now, cooking is all about Chemistry, isn't it? So stir the cocoa like a good Girl.
Don't be scared.
okay.
why are my hands shaking? because we're making Something, aren't we? it's a cake! we skipped a few steps, but Here is what the finished Products will look like.
you're amazing.
terry, I brought that cd.
Will you play that cd I gave You.
you're not my boss.
terry, it's your job.
see you next time on "livin' Single.
" And just remember, just because You're flying solo doesn't mean You can't soar.
Okay, bye.
welcome once again to "a Spot of tea.
" Where me and the girls share our Favorite hot beverage and gab With the news of the day and Gossip and such.
such gossip we do.
indeed, we do! yes.
as always, we are coming to You from our cottage.
And if you're wondering what This machine is in the midst of Our tea and various finger Sandwiches, it's a seismograph.
Yes, it seems our cottage is Atop the most active fault lines In this region of the world.
But the show must go on and the Rent is low! and the tea is minty.
let's get to it, shall we? Ladies, shall we pour? yeah, yes, yes.
let us commence.
We are pouring hot tea and -- [ yelling .]
and the shaking has subsided.
Will you hand me the seismograph Sheet, please? with pleasure.
now then, this is where the Show began, and here is where Things went awry.
I remember that.
which brings us to our next Topic.
Who would like some steaming hot Tea? this tea is also quite spacey And therefore capable of burning In two fashions.
is it safe to pour such cause Caustic tea? pinkies up.
pinkies up.
and let us pour.
Pouring the tea! ever so close to our delicate Faces.
[ yelling .]
[ laughter .]
it once again subsides.
that almost shook me out of My undergarments.
it doesn't take much to do That.
Now a word from the show's Sponsor.
Today's show is brought to us by Tall cabinets full of glass.
When you need a cabinet as tall As it is top heavy, look no Further than -- [ yelling .]
[ laughter .]
the tremor has subsided.
I feel ravaged.
It was an earthquake, not your Horse hung garden boy.
naughty.
boiling hot cauldrons of Cheese fondue.
fondue coming right up.
[ yelling .]
how is everybody doing Tonight? [ cheers and applause .]
3:00 in the morning You know I'm horny So why don't you come Over my place and put a smile on my face Leaving the club, girl Hurry up So we can get this party started And take off our clothes now You already know what Time it is reach up in that dresser Where them condoms is And baby when I get it I'll never let go gonna take it slow We ain't gonna stop Till 9:00 a.
M If you can't take it all baby say when Make you come over And over again And I'm a leave it in when we do it all night We can do it all night Girl, I'm a give it to you All night don't you be on that bull Yeah yeah All night Don't you be on that bull now there's one of two Things that can happen at This time of the hour So baby after we get out of the shower You can race me to the bed Turn off all the lights and Light some candles instead oh, yeah I can hear your body Calling, baby Oh, yeah we gonna get freaky You know darling You know what time it is Get it in, I'm a do it all we ain't gonna stop Till 9:00 a.
M If you can't take it all baby say when Make you over And over again And I'm a leave it in when we do it all night We can do it all night Girl, I'm a give it to you All night don't you be on that bull Yeah yeah All night Don't you be on that bull don't you be on that bull Yeah yeah All night Ladies we can do it all All night, girl We can do it all All night, girl we can do it all All night, girl We can do it all All night, baby all night all night, all night All night, all night so fly Girl Girl, act like you know me Don't you be on that bull yeah, yeah All night So don't you be on that bull Yeah, yeah don't you be on that bull Yeah, yeah Don't you be on that bull Yeah, yeah hey, hey then when you Leaving the club I just want you to Come over, girl ohh nananaa Naanananaa [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
mr.
Speaker, senator paul, Representative pelosi, I call This meeting to put an end to All the fighting about the Founding fathers.
We at the pentagon have Developed a top secret time Machine.
It has the ability to bring a Single person from the past to The present day.
When I press this button President george washington will Appear.
You will each have 60 seconds to Make your case.
At that point president Washington will give his expert Opinion, we will accept it, and Then we will send him back to The past.
Can everyone agree to those Terms? yes.
that's fair.
very well.
Let us proceed.
I give you the father of our Country, president george Washington.
[ laughter .]
president washington.
it's him.
where am I? What has happened? you must be confused.
Hel he, preside Hello, president washington, Welcome.
Whoa! where am I? What is this nightmare place? Are you gods or are you men? mr.
President, please calm Down.
We're trying to explain to You -- easy, easy.
[ yelling .]
sir, please! [ laughter .]
[ yelling .]
what have you done to me? Are you gods or are you men? What is this place? oh, no.
I killed george washington.
[ laughter .]
it's okay.
you saved my life.
You saved my life.
I'm not going to lie.
That did not go as planned.
[ laughter .]
So can we agree to keep this Between us, yeah? Yeah? Okay, good.
Well, I'm going to see you guys Around, okay? That's not good.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you very much, To chris brown, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
And I'd like to thank the Wonderful cast here and Incredible crew at "Saturday Night live.
" It's been wonderful to be back.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
I'd like to thank bill for being A wonderful human being and Demonstrating what it is to be a Man.
Thank you very much.
Have a wonderful valentine's Day.
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television .
In fact, it begins right now.
Hello.
I'm bill o'reilly.
[ cheers and applause .]
And thank you for watching "the Factor.
" Tonight's top story, the results Are in.
My presuper bowl interview with President obama and the football Game that followed it had a Combined audience of over 200 Million people.
Making it the most watched Television event in human History.
Once again, I have you, "the Factor" viewers to thank.
We have more reaction to parts One and two of my interview Later on "the factor.
" But first, here is part three of My conversation with president Obama.
all right, mr.
President, Let's talk about afghanistan.
Big problem.
You got this clown moammar Gadhafi running the place and He's a crook.
What do you do? first of all, bill, I have to Correct you.
The president of afghanistan is Hamid karzai.
why, what did I say? you said gadhafi.
it is gadhafi.
no, it's not.
It's hamid karzai.
mr.
President, I like you, Okay? You're a good guy, and I truly Believe as president you're Doing the best you can for the Country.
But I'm pretty sure it's Gadhafi.
bill, it's karzai.
lisa! yes? lisa, that pinhead who is Running afghanistan, the President, I need his name.
I don't need his name.
It's karzai.
relax.
This way we'll know for sure, Okay? I'm not saying you're wrong.
You could be writright.
You could be right.
In the meantime back to Afghanistan.
We've been there ten years, What's your plan? it's clear afghanistan has Begun to stabilize.
well -- I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Maybe, no, it's a pocket,ssibil But I don't know.
mr.
O'reilly, it's definitely Gadhafi.
that's what I thought.
Mr.
President, egypt.
A lot of turmoil, people in the Streets, all that jazz.
What's going to happen? bill, the egyptian people Have spoken clearly.
as you know "the factor" has Been on the egypt thing for a Couple days now and this mubarak Guy, trust me, he ain't going Nowhere.
He's going to be there a long Time.
But he knows we're on him Because he's a "factor" viewer.
I don't think he's going to try Any funny stuff.
Not with "the factor" stuff.
He could be, maybe, but I doubt It.
that's good to know.
a couple more questions.
The segment we call the culture Quiz.
First up, the andy griffith show Delighted american tv awediens From 1960 to '68 which member of The cast went on to direct the Beautiful mind and da vinci Code? Was it don knotts, jim nay bors, Or henry winkler.
it was ron howard.
use the paddle.
yeah.
it was "b," ron howard.
you're right.
Correct.
Very good, mr.
President.
Very good.
Number two.
"gunsmoke" was the longest Running tv series in history Starring james arness as marshal Matt dillon.
Who played the role of the Glamorous dance hall girl kitty? Was it donna reid, connie Stevens, amanda blake, or raquel Welch? I'm going to say amanda Blake.
oh, way to go, mr.
President! Two for two.
it was a lucky guess.
uh-huh.
Now we got time for our viewer Mail.
do I have to stay for this? sit down! [ laughter .]
About our segment on out of Control judges, bill wrote you Are without question the most Intelligent person ever to Appear on television.
Why, thank you, james.
Thank you very much.
That's nice to hear.
And charlotte woodward writes This verse, there was once a Newsman named bill whose "factor" program gave everyone a Thrill.
It was just like a school where No spin was the rule and our Heads with knowledge it did Fill.
Very good, charlotte.
Excellent poem, don't you think So, mr.
President? it was okay.
uh-huh.
[ laughter .]
both charlotte and jim as Well as you, mr.
President, will Be getting our no spin zone tote Bag and "factor" wind breakers.
very kind of you.
as always feel free to write Us at the "factor" name and town If you opine.
And don't be long winded.
That's our vocabulary word for The day, long winded.
You know that word, mr.
President? yes, I do.
Now, can I go? hang on, hang on.
That's all the time we have Tonight on "the factor.
" Please join us here tomorrow Because the spin stops here and Live from new york, it's Saturday night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wigg Featuring vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharaoh Musical guest -- Chris brown And your host -- Russell brand Ladies and gentlemen, russell Brand! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- [ cheers and applause .]
thank you! Thank you.
Thank you so much for clapping Me.
I'm honored to be here.
Thank you.
Already laughing.
Nothing has happened.
It's amazing.
It's truly amazing for me to be Here as an english comedian in Your beautiful country hosting Your most fantastic show.
Thank you, I'm honored, honored To be here.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
I'm just pointing out that I am A comedian because just in Case -- this is a difficult Thing for me to point out, but You should know.
I'm much more famous in England Than I am here, okay? I don't get any pleasure from Telling you that.
It's embarrassing.
It's not a good thing to have to Tell people, fame really loses Its edge if you have to tell People you have it.
You know, I'm famous.
That's like telling people You're sexually attractive.
It really takes the edge off.
Makes people recoil somewhat, But I'm telling you not to Boast, you want you to trust me, I'm here hosting one of your Great institutions.
I want you to know I'm not here To try to reclaim this colony For her majesty.
You've done a wonderful job.
It's yours now.
It's definitely yours.
I'm only mentioning that I'm More famous in England just in Case you're worried about how Tight my trousers are.
Okay? Because in England when you're Famous, this is how tight you Can wear your trousers.
[ laughter .]
Without fame, people might Question my sanity.
Why are his pants so tight? What's wrong with that guy? I don't want you to be worried About it.
In England tight pants means You're famous.
In america tight pants means Additional screening at jfk Airport I learned earlier today.
And I'd like to take this Opportunity to thank juan in Immigration for the tenderness Of your touch.
It was almost a romantic Experience.
Normally if in an airport you See somebody put a rubber glove On, it's time to worry, but, Juan, you were beautiful.
Thank you for making is to Wonderful for me.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thanks for the clapping.
I appreciate it.
Also, I want to point out that Over the course of the show Because there will be Magnificent sketches obviously, That will be wonderful, you will See me wearing looser trousers.
You might feel a sense of Relief, oh, he's wearing looser Trousers now.
Let me assure you, I will be Wearing a pair of tight trousers Under those loose trousers.
Not really as a fashion choice Anymore.
More of an obligation.
If you've worn tight trousers For as long as I have, it Induces a kind of chaos down There and the trousers Essentially holds things Together.
If I take these off, it just Springs into chaos! It's essentially the same Principle behind a Jack-in-the-box.
I mean, the children's toy, not The burger.
That would be awful.
Not like a jack-in-the-box Burger.
No one wants fries with that.
There's no way to have a meal.
[ laughter .]
I like these guys.
Musical accompaniment.
I live in your country now, Which I adore and I respect and I love and let me be clear, but I have become very patriotic Since I have been here.
When I was in England, I wasn't That patriotic.
I was a bit more rebellious and Saucy.
Here I'm very patriotic about The queen.
So much so that if collin firth Doesn't win the oscar for "the King's speven," I think I'm Going to lose myself.
I'm not going to be able to take It, and he's just a pretend King.
Let's get behind collin and his Oscar, please.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
Also, natalie portman I think Will win oscar for "black swan," Won't she? She will.
And I think that's quite right.
You know, but I do want to point Something out to all of you as a Matter of fact.
Now, people say natalie portman, She deserve that is oscar Because in her preparation for "black swan" she did five hours Of dancing every day.
She did all of that training, Right? Well, I was in a film called "get him to the greek" -- [ cheers and applause .]
In that film I played a sex Addicted drug addicted Narcissistic english Entertainer.
I prepared for that role for 20 Years.
[ laughter .]
One of the consequences Fortunately's preparation, a few Bunions and blisters.
You can scrape them off with a Butter knife.
I have hep approximac preparing Role.
I haven't got hepatitis c.
Hep c, not hypothetical c.
The real thing.
Talking of hepatitis c, it's Valentine's day tomorrow! [ cheers and applause .]
I'd like to take this Opportunity to say happy Valentine's day to my wife, katy Perry.
[ cheers and applause .]
People are often curious Actually.
They say, oh, what's it like Being married to katy perry? And it's very nice, I like it.
I'm not complaining.
It's nice to be married to katy Perry.
It's nice to be married to Anyone, I think.
I'm just glad anyone will have Me.
You'll be surprised how ordinary The marriage is.
And I'll demonstrate to you now With language the ordinariness Of the marriage.
Here is an example of how Ordinary my marriage is.
One, the other day I was wearing A shirt and she went, "are you Wearing that shirt out?" Right? And it was not a proper Question.
It was like she meant get it Off.
I had to take it off.
Two, the other day she lent my Car to her brother without Asking, and I was going to get Angry but then I thought that's Such a lovely, normal problem to Have.
My wife lent my car to her Brother.
When I think of the problems I Used to have which were much More like "russell, the police Are at the door!" Flush the drugs down the toilet.
They've got sniffer dogs with Them.
Wow, sniffer dogs, bring them In.
Dogs with jobs! [ laughter .]
That's amazing! That is amazing.
You got jobs? Have you got jobs? You got a job, don't you, don't You? Step this way, please, sir.
Okay.
I'm come quietly.
And also, and this is a normal Thing, anyone here who is Married I think any man here at Least married will recognize This problem.
Say there's a noise in the Nighttime in my house, in the Nighttime, a frightening Downstairs noise, I have to go And look in the night.
Katy will just go "russell, There's a noise, go and look, See what it is in case it's a Burgl Burglar.
" It would be horrible for me! What am I going to say.
It's embarrassing also.
Hello, I see you're here Burglaring my house.
Don't be alarmed, I'm much more Famous in England.
I'm in these tight pajamas.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you Very much.
[ cheers and applause .]
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" [ laughter .]
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Frank gublin not only got my Tickets refunded, he also got me Two additional tickets to a Future performance of "spider-man: Turn off the dark.
" Thanks, frank gublin.
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are we the only new york firm Specializing in "spider-man: Turn off the dark" injuries? No.
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I called frank gublin and thanks To him, I received a settlement Of one ticket to a future Performance of "spider-man: Turn Off the dark.
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Didn't like the song, Confused by the plot, Insulted legacy of spider-man, Fell asleep so suddenly, I hit Head on seat in front of me, Sucky title, Green goblin's pants fell down, Saw package.
[ laughter .]
did frank gublin get me a Settlement? Why don't you ask my new Spider-man hat? thanks, frank gublin.
the reviews are in.
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what are you waiting for? Call frank dublin today.
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hi, everybody.
I am cheryl brown, and you know What that means? You are watching ultimate Vacation giveaway.
Millions of you have entered for Our six week dream vacation, but There can only be one winner, And I am outside his house right Now.
I cannot believe I'm going to Knock on that door.
Come on! This is so exciting.
I cannot wait to see his face.
[ laughter .]
mr.
Gregory evans? yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
well, greg, guess what? We are live, and you have won Travel channel's ultimate Vacation giveaway.
You won! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! [ laughter .]
huh, really? well, yeah, really.
Woo-h Woo-hoo! It is six weeks on a private Yacht.
We're on live tv.
Can you believe this, greg? Look in the camera.
How do you feel? I feel -- Good, I guess.
come on! Come on, get excited.
This is what people want to see.
Whoo! This whole trip is worth $50,000! I hope I don't got to pay Taxes on that, do I? you might, I don't know.
[ laughter .]
You still got to be really happy About it.
Come on and show it on tv! Whoo! Yeah! Come on, come on.
Whoo! I can't believe I won! I have a question, okay? Are you ready to snorkel? I don't know how to swim.
[ laughter .]
why did you enter to win a Cruise? Guess what? You leave Friday! Whoo! do I have to get up early? maybe this will get you Pumped.
Ready? Whoo! Come on now.
Yeah! Come on now yeah! How much time do we have left? I'm starting to get a little Anxiety.
Having a hard time breathing.
Okay.
What? Okay, good, yes.
I'm okay.
Yes.
Good, yes.
Right now we are all just going To take a look back at some of Our past winners, okay, greg, And some of their reactions.
I love how jacked up they get.
You should watch them and get Jacked up, too, because you're Not doing anything.
oh, my god, I've never been On vacation before in my life! Whoo! I'm so happy! yeah! I'm out of this stink town! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, suck on that! Suck on that! [ laughter .]
you won! Did you see that one guy? He messed his pants.
Did you? You are dry.
These pants are thin.
hey, greg.
hey.
sorry, am I interrupting? no.
yes, yes, he just won a six Week vacation! oh, neat.
Here is your mail.
okay.
Well, folks, thankfully we are Out of time.
So I just want to say -- oh, my god.
It's the bpottery barn catalog.
The annual drape event.
Free shipping.
Four more years! Four more years! there you have it.
To greg from me and the travel Channel.
cheryl, watch out for that Gutter.
what? [ laughter .]
oh, yeah! [ cheers and applause .]
kelly donovan spent 17 years In an english prison.
do you really feel that You're rehabilitated, Mr.
Donovan.
yeah, that's right.
and vowed to turn away from a Life of crime.
I got a job for you, terry.
nah, I don't do that kind of Thing anymore.
but he'll pick up a gun, once Again, to defend the only thing He loves.
if you don't do what we Say -- [ muttering .]
the critics of raving, British, extremely british.
I didn't understand what they Were saying.
[ muttering .]
from the producers of "sexy Beast," "the red riding trilogy" And "lock stock" and "two smoking barrels.
" burn for you! [ muttering .]
and the director of "round The bend," "grow up, all right" Comes the toughest, grittiest, Most british crime drama of the Year.
don't go round, round me Round.
don't go round and round.
usa today says I thought they Were speaking a foreign Language.
I don't think I heard a single Thing.
if we don't pay, they're Going to kill us.
darling, go say I told him -- [ muttering .]
but what if you're wrong? [ laughter .]
[ muttering .]
"time" magazine says, is For a movie in english? If so, which button is it? all right.
hey, hey.
oh.
Why didn't you say so.
peter travers of "rolling Stone" says, the one guy in the Track suit, gypsy or crispy -- He was good.
Either way, it seemed like a lot Of killing over a very small Amount of money.
don't you go round and round To rero.
next Sunday -- [ muttering .]
what? in medieval England it was Customary for kings to employ a Royal taster.
These brave souls would try all Of the monarch's food to ensure It contained no poison.
Our story takes place in the Court of king reginald.
king reginald, thank you so Much for choosing me to be your Royal taster.
what can I say, I am a man of Great taste.
very funny.
thank you.
It's nice to hear a kind word After a day of receiving death Threats.
death threats? yes.
I'm a very unpopular king, but Fear not, we're quite safe here.
that's good.
yes.
I have no enemies within these Walls.
Chef! Get your fat, ignorant ass in Here! [ laughter .]
what do you want now, you Monster? why is your chef so angry With you? oh, last night's beef was a Little tough, so I had his Family killed.
and this gentleman prepares All your food? yes.
The ones you'll be tasting.
Chef, pretend you have a brain, And bring me some beet soup Because that's all you're good For! you've been riding me for Years.
Every day pushing me closer and Closer to the edge! Oh, I'll get you your beet soup, And it's going to be a meal to Die for! [ light laughter .]
sounds tasty.
king, I think the chef means To poison you.
oh, no.
Don't worry about that.
He's all bluster.
Isn't that right, you ass-mouth Chef? You don't have the stones to Challenge me.
Oh, sure, you may be my cousin, Who's next in line to be king.
Meaning if I die, you instantly Become king, but right now You're nothing but a cowardly Chef! See, I humiliate you.
I mock you with the bread you Bake! oh, I'm going to poison you! I'm going to put poison in your Food, and you are going to die From the poison! wow.
He just came out and said it There.
sorry? Oh, come on.
Relax.
What's the worst he could do? feed us poison.
I think you're being a bit Paranoid.
Oh, goody, soup.
Be a lamb and taste it, will You? Wait! You can't eat this.
oh, thank god.
no, it still needs salt.
Salt it, you moron! oh! [ laughter .]
that's very obviously poison.
oh, calm down, taster.
I think you're being rather Cynical.
choke it down, you devil! Choke it down and eat it.
Oh, I'm sorry, you first.
you know what? It's actually very good.
There's a subtle hint of -- chef? hmm? did you just try to poison Me? I'll never tell.
oh, you cheeky, chef.
You're the best in the biz.
Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster.
this has been "the king's Speech.
" Now you can say you saw it.
ladies and gentlemen, chris Brown! [ cheers and applause .]
move your body Out on the floor Put your troubles aside And start living anybody can let go Throw away all your problems Cause right now it's Party time girl don't feel outta place Cause I, I'm in love with This feeling now And I hope that this will last a while We should make it Last a while You like to drink so do we Get more bottles Bring 'em to me Hold your glasses up people everywhere Now everybody put your Hands in the air say Yeah, yeah, yeah girl I wanna Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna see you tonight Yeah, yeah, yeah girl I gotta, I gotta I gotta I gotta see you tonight oh oh, let me see Your hands oh oh, tonight is the night All the pretty young things in the party Let me see your hands up And if they mad and they Don't wanna party so dj turn And watch me turn it up Don't worry bout it we Here to party so jump, jump, jump, jump Girl I gotta, I gotta I gotta I gotta see you tonight yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah tonight is the night Tonight is the night Tonight is the night [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update with seth Meyers.
" [ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
And here are tonight's top Stories.
history was made Friday when Egyptian president hosni mubarak Bowed to pressure from peaceful Protesters and stepped down from Office.
No word what he will do next but There's really only one job Available for an 82-year-old Man.
[ laughter .]
This week was the conservative Political action conference or Cpac, an annual meeting of Conservative politicians and Activists or as some call it tea Party comic-con.
[ laughter .]
Dick cheney made a surprise Appearance at the cpac Thursday To present donald rumsfeld with The defender of the constitution Award.
And if you're wondering, yes, The irony was lost on them.
[ laughter .]
Representative christopher lee, A married congressman from new York state, abruptly resigned His seat on Wednesday after the Website gawker posted shirtless Pictures he took of himself and Sent to a woman he met on Craigslist.
Eh, say what you will about Hosni mubarak, but at least you Don't know what his nipples look Like.
[ laughter .]
Also, nothing looks more rent Than having the phone in the Dirty picture you're taking.
Here is my idea.
An app that automatically Replaces the phone in your dirty Pictures.
For example, isn't this picture Better with a fan? [ laughter .]
Or how about a shake weight? [ laughter .]
How about an elmo puppet? [ laughter .]
Actually it's way worse with the Elmo puppet, don't do that.
this Sunday's super bowl was The most watched show ever on Television with a record 111 Million viewers or as christina Aguilera was reassured, hardly Anyone.
on Friday after 18 days of Protests egyptian president Hosni mubarak finally stepped Down.
Here to give us his version of Events, hosni, mubarak.
hello, hello.
solt how are things? not great, seth.
30 years in power and all I have To show for it is $70 billion of The egyptian people's money.
[ laughter .]
Hsk, my friends, seth.
I have made so many friends.
People were so sad to see me go.
I don't know if that was the Case.
Now, many expected you were Going to resign on Thursday.
Instead you gave a very defiant Speech saying you would stay in Power.
What was your plan there? my plan was simple.
I will say, I hear your Complaints, I am proud of you, And, therefore, I am not Resigning.
Basically I was trying the old Jedi mind trick.
It turned out I was the droid They were looking for.
so you resigned on Friday.
It must have been very hard for You.
it was.
My secretary of 30 years said to Me, she took my hands and looked Me in the eyes and said, you Have raped this country.
May the jackal headed god anubis Feast on your entrails in hell.
It was very sweet.
sounds like she was angry.
And now the report the swiss Bank has frozen your funds.
I know! [ laughter .]
Can you believe it, seth? They said we think you may have Come by your money illegally.
And I was like, duh! Of course I came by it Illegally.
Why do you think I put it in a Swiss bank? I am not swiss.
I didn't do it for the Convenient atm locations.
I should have listened to my Grant father who said always Bury your money in a sarcophagus Under a pyramid.
well, I do want to thank you For stopping by.
before I go I want to take a Moment to thank the american People.
you don't have do that.
yes, I do.
Important to me, seth.
Bring the camera in a little, a Little closer.
America, thank you.
You propped up my regime for Over 30 years.
I could never have done it Without all of your money and Support and tear gas.
You know what they say, seth, Behind every horrible dictator Is an enabling super power.
America -- you are the wind beneath my Wings definitely, you don't have to Tell people that about us.
I'm not done, seth.
Was I perfect? No.
Did I do my best? I did not.
Did I care about my people? Not really.
[ laughter .]
Did I steal at every Opportunity? You bet.
I think I lost my train of Thought.
[ laughter .]
hosni mubarak, everybody! it was announced month that Aol is buying "the huffington Post" website for $315 million.
A spokesman for aol was quoted As saying -- [ modem sounds .]
According to reports iran's Government has banned iranian tv Channels from showing cooking Programs that present recipes For foreign cuisine.
So look for iran's newest Cooking show, hummus again? It was announced Tuesday that Keith olbermann will host a Nightly prime time news and Commentary show on current tv.
If you're not familiar current Tv, it's a channel founded by al Gore.
If you are familiar with current Tv, congratulations on being al Gore.
[ laughter .]
a woman in England returned A jack russell terrier that she Had adopted from a shelter two Days earlier because she said he Clashed with her curtains.
And maybe don't let her take any Other dogs home because it Sounds like she might be making A rug.
[ laughter .]
I'm protecting the dogs.
According to a new poll the two Most popular super powers people Want are the ability to time Travel and read minds.
Said aqua man, so nobody went For talking to fish? [ laughter .]
Your loss.
They say some pretty interesting Things.
If you need me, I will be at the Bottom of the ocean.
[ laughter .]
Monday is valentine's day, and Here to debut their new Valentine's day single, please Welcome lil wayne and eminem.
[ cheers and applause .]
yep.
Wez at a baby "snl.
" Ya dig? so you two have written a Valentine's day song.
About valentine's day.
yeah, seth.
It goes out to all the ladies.
okay.
Now, in the past some women have Criticized you for what are Considered misogynistic lyrics.
this is a song straight from The heart.
We wrote it while drinking red Wine and watching "the Notebook.
" [ laughter .]
so there's nothing offensive In this song? if there was we took it out.
all right.
So it's just a regular love Song.
that's right.
Here we go.
This song is called "softer.
" that's a nice title.
I like it.
yeah, love your body, girl I'm Just love struck so let's go home it's time to -- baby let's cruise on my love Boat if not I'm gonna -- your Throat whoa.
Stop you right there.
Even though there are words Missing, I still get the feeling Women won't be too happy about This valentine's day song.
huh? in the last lyric even though You didn't actually say it I'm Pretty sure you were going do Something bad to a lady's Throat.
I mean, I could have been Kissing on her threat.
were you kissing on her Throat? maybe.
I'm pretty sure women aren't Going to like this song.
come on, seth, we're trying Really hard to be nice.
Just listen to em's verse.
I'd love to.
Hit it.
happy valentine in my trunk Ain't going to buy you chocolate Or a picture in a market from Target no, no, no.
Hold on.
[ cheers and applause .]
there is no nice thing to say To a woman that ends in night.
chocolate cake or brownie.
were you willing to get her Chocolate cake or brownies? I don't want to hear this Anymore.
come on, seth.
Give us another chance.
There's nothing in the chorus That's offensive.
do you promise? cross my wheezy heart.
Here we go.
in a car And your mama too no, no, that is enough.
[ cheers and applause .]
a doctor in colorado is Converted two trailers into Mobile doctors offices to help Dispense medical marijuana to Patients in rural areas.
Wait, I'm sorry, I read that Wrong.
Some guy in colorado is selling Weed out of a trailer.
A woman in queens, new york, Says she was shocked when she Played a diego cartoon dvd that She bought at a local toys "r" Us for her son and it turned out To be a porn movie titled "bubble butt bonanza 17.
" [ laughter .]
Too bad she wasn't patient.
At the 14 in my opinion mark Diego shows up.
[ laughter .]
Did the anyone order a pizza con Chorizo? [ laughter .]
In an upcoming interview with "60 minutes," lady gaga says When she's with someone in bed, They call her stephanie and not By her stage name since that Would freak her out.
I think the most surprising part Of this story to me is that she Has sex in a bed.
[ laughter .]
Authorities in England have Given permission to a local Swimming pool to use energy from The next door crematorium to Heat its water.
They just have to get everyone Out of the pool once in a while To skim out the ghosts.
[ laughter .]
on valentine's day thousands Of new york couples will be Stepping out to some of the City's most romantic spots.
Here with some tips on where to Go to make the evening truly Unforgettable, our city Correspondent, stephan.
[ cheers and applause .]
hi.
hi, stephan.
How have you been? the same.
[ laughter .]
okay.
The weather has been crazy, Right? I know.
Everywhere I go it's like 100 Degrees.
[ laughter .]
right, right.
Now, stephan, lots of new york Couples will be stepping out for Valentine's day.
Where should they go if they Want an evening to remember? I have the perfect spot.
New york's hottest club is boof.
[ laughter .]
Located in an abandoned Orphanage on the lower lower East side of chelsea.
This round the clock puke party Is the creation of narcoleptic Club owner snoozen lucci.
[ laughter .]
And this place has everything.
Pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a Wise old turtle that looks like Quincy jones.
[ laughter .]
L and you'll have your own "when Harry met sally" moment when you Share a special kiss with "gizblo the coked up gremlin.
" [ laughter .]
[ gremlin noises .]
I'll have what she's having.
[ laughter .]
let me get a pen.
What was the name of that place Again? boof with nine "os.
" got it.
Now I know that I will Definitely not go there.
why not? maybe I should be more Specific.
Take me, for example.
gladly.
I'm trying to find a place to Take my serious girlfriend.
this always happens to me.
we've been dating for a Couple years.
boy, do I know how to pick Them.
I work so darn much.
you got to pay the bills.
I just want Monday night to Be special.
stephan to be rescue.
New york's hottest valentine's Day club is -- by 90-year-old Club promoter fuji houser md.
It has everything.
Stun guns, mall people, freezing Cold air.
And this valentine's day, you Can lose yourself on the dance Floor surrounded by 12 dancing Jupids.
jupids? jewish cupids.
[ laughter .]
oh.
I just want you to meet Someone nice and settle down.
[ laughter .]
I got to be honest.
what? I don't think my girlfriend Would like that.
you should probably break up With her and do like a total 180 Or something.
no! [ laughter .]
No, stephan.
Do you have any tips for how to Have a simple romantic Nonpsychotic valentine's day? yes.
You don't need to leave the House.
Just give the person you love a Romantic valentine's day gift.
you mean like a box of Chocolate? no, like human suitcases.
what is a human suitcase? it's a thing when a midget on Roller skates wears all of your Clothes and then you pull them Through an airport.
[ laughter .]
staffan.
a human suitcase.
Would you give your valentine One of those? stephan is single right now.
He doesn't have a valentine.
Oh! oh! well, maybe just for tonight, And just for tonight, you can be My valentine.
you mean it? yeah.
I guess I got struck by jupids Arrow.
[ cheers and applause .]
welcome to livin' single.
She's the best-selling author, And she did it all without a Man.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dena deanglo is living single! [ cheers and applause .]
simple kind of girl in a Simple kind of world thank you.
Single and loving it.
Say hi.
hi.
Guys, whether you're a widow, a Divorcee, a single military Personnel or a solo girl who Just don't give a dang -- This show is for you.
Right, guys? [ cheers and applause .]
Single and loving it thanks to You.
I left my husband and now I'm Single and stronger.
are you so happy? almost.
dj terry, I see you.
you're changing lives, dena.
you are such a good friend.
You know, dj terry has asked me Out 11 times, and each time I Have said no.
Not because I don't think he's a Super cool dude, but because I Know that he and I are better Off single! it really is better.
You're amazing.
okay.
So, who hates valentine's day? Boo, right? Well, you don't have to hate it Anymore.
Just do what I do, ladies.
Get your white wine and draw Your bubble bath and spoil Yourself.
or you can go on a date with Your dj! very funny, dude.
right? now, even if you're single, Valentine's day is all about the Sweets.
So, we have a renowned pastry Chef here today.
This guy is cool, you guys! Please welcome damian cryer.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you for coming, damian! it's an absolute and eternal Pleasure.
oh, you're british and much Taller than I expected.
and you're american and much Lovelier than I expected.
Oh, there's something on your Face.
What is it? Oh, it's my hand.
oh.
Okay.
[ laughter .]
That just happened.
Okay.
Damien, let's talk v day Desserts for one.
certainly.
Dena, what is the most Decadent, luxurious, and Arousing food? uh -- I don't know.
well, it's chocolate, isn't It? Do you need a little taste? [ laughter .]
you just do whatever you Want, don't you? or whomever I want.
you're funny.
Terry, are you loving this guy? [ laughter .]
he's great.
okay.
Now, we're going to make a mini Chocolate lava cake.
It's positively sinful.
Do you like sinful things, dena? Is it sinful if I put your hand On my pectoral? Is that okay? we're having a blast on livin Single, huh? Give us a beat, terry.
no! [ laughter .]
I don't want to give him the Beat.
terry, it's your job.
[ laughter .]
okay.
Now, dena, gosh, that was good.
Now, cooking is all about Chemistry, isn't it? So stir the cocoa like a good Girl.
Don't be scared.
okay.
why are my hands shaking? because we're making Something, aren't we? it's a cake! we skipped a few steps, but Here is what the finished Products will look like.
you're amazing.
terry, I brought that cd.
Will you play that cd I gave You.
you're not my boss.
terry, it's your job.
see you next time on "livin' Single.
" And just remember, just because You're flying solo doesn't mean You can't soar.
Okay, bye.
welcome once again to "a Spot of tea.
" Where me and the girls share our Favorite hot beverage and gab With the news of the day and Gossip and such.
such gossip we do.
indeed, we do! yes.
as always, we are coming to You from our cottage.
And if you're wondering what This machine is in the midst of Our tea and various finger Sandwiches, it's a seismograph.
Yes, it seems our cottage is Atop the most active fault lines In this region of the world.
But the show must go on and the Rent is low! and the tea is minty.
let's get to it, shall we? Ladies, shall we pour? yeah, yes, yes.
let us commence.
We are pouring hot tea and -- [ yelling .]
and the shaking has subsided.
Will you hand me the seismograph Sheet, please? with pleasure.
now then, this is where the Show began, and here is where Things went awry.
I remember that.
which brings us to our next Topic.
Who would like some steaming hot Tea? this tea is also quite spacey And therefore capable of burning In two fashions.
is it safe to pour such cause Caustic tea? pinkies up.
pinkies up.
and let us pour.
Pouring the tea! ever so close to our delicate Faces.
[ yelling .]
[ laughter .]
it once again subsides.
that almost shook me out of My undergarments.
it doesn't take much to do That.
Now a word from the show's Sponsor.
Today's show is brought to us by Tall cabinets full of glass.
When you need a cabinet as tall As it is top heavy, look no Further than -- [ yelling .]
[ laughter .]
the tremor has subsided.
I feel ravaged.
It was an earthquake, not your Horse hung garden boy.
naughty.
boiling hot cauldrons of Cheese fondue.
fondue coming right up.
[ yelling .]
how is everybody doing Tonight? [ cheers and applause .]
3:00 in the morning You know I'm horny So why don't you come Over my place and put a smile on my face Leaving the club, girl Hurry up So we can get this party started And take off our clothes now You already know what Time it is reach up in that dresser Where them condoms is And baby when I get it I'll never let go gonna take it slow We ain't gonna stop Till 9:00 a.
M If you can't take it all baby say when Make you come over And over again And I'm a leave it in when we do it all night We can do it all night Girl, I'm a give it to you All night don't you be on that bull Yeah yeah All night Don't you be on that bull now there's one of two Things that can happen at This time of the hour So baby after we get out of the shower You can race me to the bed Turn off all the lights and Light some candles instead oh, yeah I can hear your body Calling, baby Oh, yeah we gonna get freaky You know darling You know what time it is Get it in, I'm a do it all we ain't gonna stop Till 9:00 a.
M If you can't take it all baby say when Make you over And over again And I'm a leave it in when we do it all night We can do it all night Girl, I'm a give it to you All night don't you be on that bull Yeah yeah All night Don't you be on that bull don't you be on that bull Yeah yeah All night Ladies we can do it all All night, girl We can do it all All night, girl we can do it all All night, girl We can do it all All night, baby all night all night, all night All night, all night so fly Girl Girl, act like you know me Don't you be on that bull yeah, yeah All night So don't you be on that bull Yeah, yeah don't you be on that bull Yeah, yeah Don't you be on that bull Yeah, yeah hey, hey then when you Leaving the club I just want you to Come over, girl ohh nananaa Naanananaa [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
mr.
Speaker, senator paul, Representative pelosi, I call This meeting to put an end to All the fighting about the Founding fathers.
We at the pentagon have Developed a top secret time Machine.
It has the ability to bring a Single person from the past to The present day.
When I press this button President george washington will Appear.
You will each have 60 seconds to Make your case.
At that point president Washington will give his expert Opinion, we will accept it, and Then we will send him back to The past.
Can everyone agree to those Terms? yes.
that's fair.
very well.
Let us proceed.
I give you the father of our Country, president george Washington.
[ laughter .]
president washington.
it's him.
where am I? What has happened? you must be confused.
Hel he, preside Hello, president washington, Welcome.
Whoa! where am I? What is this nightmare place? Are you gods or are you men? mr.
President, please calm Down.
We're trying to explain to You -- easy, easy.
[ yelling .]
sir, please! [ laughter .]
[ yelling .]
what have you done to me? Are you gods or are you men? What is this place? oh, no.
I killed george washington.
[ laughter .]
it's okay.
you saved my life.
You saved my life.
I'm not going to lie.
That did not go as planned.
[ laughter .]
So can we agree to keep this Between us, yeah? Yeah? Okay, good.
Well, I'm going to see you guys Around, okay? That's not good.
[ cheers and applause .]
thank you very much, To chris brown, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
And I'd like to thank the Wonderful cast here and Incredible crew at "Saturday Night live.
" It's been wonderful to be back.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
I'd like to thank bill for being A wonderful human being and Demonstrating what it is to be a Man.
Thank you very much.
Have a wonderful valentine's Day.
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television .