Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e19 Episode Script
Helen Mirren
Been locked in intense Negotiations or the federal Budget.
Looming over these negotiations Was a threat that without a Budget agreement, the federal Government would shut down as of 12:01 a.
M.
Today.
Tonight I am happy to report That shortly before the Deadline, an agreement on the Budget was reached.
And the government shutdown has Thus been averted.
This agreement is truly Something we can all be proud Of.
And in a true example of Compromise, I am pleased to say No one got everything he wanted And everyone walked away Unhappy.
Senator reid and I are very Unhappy over the deep cuts.
Congressman boehner is unhappy The cuts weren't deep enough.
The tea party caucus is unhappy With the size of the cuts and The fact I wasn't born in America.
The capitol building cleaning Staff is unhappy with the mess We left after our meetings.
Congressional interns were Unhappy to work late on Friday, A night they reserve for casual, Commitment-free hookups.
Members of the military are very Unhappy of being used as pawns While nonessential government Workers are upset being reminded Once again that they were Nonessential.
"the new york times" is unhappy As they were planning a 12-part Series on how the shutdown is Affecting the homeless and kids Are deeply unhappy that their Family vacations to national Parks will go forward as Planned.
Mitt romney is unhappy with the Size of the deficificit in gene And his inability to connect on An emotional level.
Dennis kucinich is unhappy for Never being picked for teams as A child while congressman dale Humphries is unhappy he's Trapped in a loveless marriage.
Senator john mccain is unhappy And he'll always unhappy.
Finally fans of "Saturday night Live" are unhappy.
They tuned in expecting to see The show and instead got this Presidential address.
While others aren't happy that The show is still on the air.
In closing I live you with this, Whenever you feel like our Government just doesn't work or Have doubts about this Nev-ending sfermt experiment in Democracy called america, I ask You to remember this night and How unhappy we all were.
How profoundly, deeply, Miserably unhappy and be proud.
May god bless america, and live From new york, it's Saturday Night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- announceannouncep - Musical guest -- Foo fighters And your host -- Helen mirren [ cheers and applause .]
Ladies and gentlemen, Helen mirren! [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
it's so wonderful to be here Hosngg"Saturday night live.
" Since most people know from my Playing the queen, I was afraid They'd make me play a queen in Every sketch.
They did that last week with Elton john.
I'd like to say something for The record.
Although I played the queen, I'm Nothing like her.
Would the queen do this? Or this? [ laughter .]
I may have been appointed the Dame of the british empire.
I'm not all scones and teacups.
I'm more business indicates and D cups.
they're ain't nothing like a Dame Nothing in the world There ain't nothing you can name That is anything like a dame She's been honored by the Royals it's a most exclusive club But I'd rather pound A pint back With some wankers in a pub [ laughter .]
she is regal and demur She's exactly like the queen Have you ever seen "caligula" I'm in the orgy scene she is classy She's refined From her head down To her shoes you're getting It all wrong I smoke cigars and I have tattoos look, I'd show you them Right now hey, hey, hey, you are a Lady.
guys, I'd like to see what's Under there.
[ in unison .]
sandberg! can you blame me? there ain't nothing like a Dame And we're very glad that she Came ahoy! helen mirren's got funk That much is clear She is finer than everyone here She's a girly, girly, sexy Talented dame [ cheers and applause .]
we have a great show.
The foo fighters are here.
So stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause .]
james franco, see you left Occupation blank.
I didn't know which job do Put down, filmmaker, conceptual Artist, matador, sniper.
I'll put down actor.
Any write-offs? I had some expenses when I Hosted the oscars.
I guess I'll tack those on Your verizon bill, because you Phoned it in! Welcome kardashians.
hi.
any activity n the last Fiscal quarter? we gave khloe her own show.
we can write that off as Charity.
here's our income statement.
for letting them film you Hang out and walk around on your Fun little showed you made -- Egg salad? $65 million? The kardashians are in the Black.
usually it's the other way Around.
I'll give you that one.
Ricky martin, I see you made a Lot of money on your memoir.
yes, I revealed I was a gay Man.
yeah.
What was it it called" ricky Martin for ddmmies"? a lot were surprised to find Out I was gay.
here's another bombshell! I'm jewish! Welcome will smith.
you know I love you, mort.
One foot tall with a two foot Brain whoo! I see you put down your kids As your dependents.
no, I'm their dependent.
The smith kids are cranking outs The hits.
You should get your daughter to Be a pop star.
I'll try, but she looks like This! okay.
Helena bonham carter and tim Burton.
good evening.
it's 10:00 a.
M.
we live in eternal night.
all right.
Your return looks pretty good.
I watch my expenses Carefully.
That's why I keep my eyes wide Open all the time.
yes, I've noticed.
Do you have your receipts? I made them into a dream Spider.
what am I going to do with This? Why is johnny depp here? my watch got caught in Helena's ear.
lock and bagels.
What a bunch of weirdos! Moammar gadhafi.
hello, mort mort.
get out of my office.
You're a ruthless dictator.
You murdered your own people and You're an anti-semite.
I have an immense oil Fortune.
I can give you a commission of 10%.
no, I don't think your filthy Blood money.
11%.
I'll think about it.
helen, can I talk to you for A second? yes.
I know you're really busy, But you're kind of my hero, and I would just be so disappointed In myself if I didn't ask you This.
what is it, love? can I touch them? yes, of course.
one small step for man, one Giant leap for mankind.
not guilty.
wow.
welcome.
We've been expecting you.
is this heaven? you're a place much better Than heaven.
You're in helen mirren's Titties.
she may be 65 but her titties Exist in a place beyond space And time.
So, anyways, make yourself at Home.
Dave gruel is over there.
what's up? you know, it's a pretty good Time.
& I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy! I'm so happy.
see -- I'm so happy.
it was beautiful.
yes, I know, it's quite Intense I'm told.
I'm having such a bad day.
better? yes, thank you.
Thanks.
okay.
See you out there.
[ cheers and applause .]
you're watching fox and Friends, fear and tearer.
welcome back to the third Hour of fox and friends.
morning.
happy Monday.
well, we almost had a Government shutdown.
that was closs.
wow.
late Friday night john Poehner rescued a budget plan Which meant no government Workers would be sent home.
I'll tell you who I would Send home.
don't say it gretchen.
president obama.
He's not a leader.
He needs to take a time-out.
I mean, we almost had the First government shoutdown in te History of this country.
is that true? I just assumed.
how about we don't assume and Ask our fact checker.
Lou? all right.
our fact checker lou always Keeping us honest.
so the government isn't shut Down, but here's a program I Wouldn't mind seeing shut down, Michelle obama's anti-childhood Obesity task force.
first of all, when I hear Task force, I get scared.
uh-huh.
if kids hear there's a task Force at school, maybe they stay Home sick.
kids scare easy.
I remember in high school I Heard a rumor that our janitor Was a seriallkiller.
I was so scared I stayed home Sick for an entire month.
I missed out.
I don't know what eclectic Means.
maybe this is just me.
What's so wrong with a few fat Kids at school? thank you for saying that.
I love fatties.
They're funny.
they are funny.
They are so eclectic.
here's a scary question.
When there are no fat kids, Who's going to play the comic Relief in disney movies? I will tell you who.
mexicans.
L.
no, no.
It's true.
When american kids get too Skinny, chhbby mexicans will Just look at the kid on "modern Family.
" he's great.
He's great.
maybe soon it won't be the Eagle on the american flag, it Will be the -- what's a mexican Bird? a burrito.
it's not a bird.
yeah.
A chicken burrito.
scary stuff.
Joining us now, she's a President of the eagle coalition Fireworks emporium in yum marx Arizona.
Welcome sandy blunt.
proud to be here.
Proud to be an american.
what's new in the border war, Sandy? we all know about the dangers Of anchor babies.
being illegal immigrants Coming to america who have their Babies on our soil making them U.
S.
Citizens.
so scary.
so scary.
well, now there is a new Threat on our doorstep.
Mexicans are kidnapping pregnant American women and taking them To mexico.
Then when the women give birth, Their beautiful babies will Be -- I'm sorry -- mexicans! so you're saying -- reverse anchor babies! Undercover mexicans in america.
You know, known as amexicans.
thanks, sandy.
Scary stuff.
there's been a lot of talk About birth certificates Recently, so I thought it would Be fun, you know, to all bring In our birth certificates to Show how easy it is.
Here's mine.
here's mine.
and here is mine.
I'm not sure that's it, Brian.
but it has my name on it.
it's from dave and buster's.
but I got it on my birthday, So it counts.
let's take another quick Break, but our fact checkers Finished combing over the first& Two hours of the show and have a Few corrections.
see you after this quick Break [ cheers and applause .]
mary shelley was one of the Most notable female writers of The romantic period.
Her greatest triumph was her Classic novel "frankenstein.
" her new gothic novel "frankenstein.
" thank you to much.
Your kind words flatter me.
you must have a brilliant Imagination to craft the Character of the monster.
well said, yes.
mary, I say it looks like you Have another guest arriving.
how are you guys doing? no, that's just my landlord.
I beg your pardon.
Were we making too much noise? I wanted to let you know we Had some trouble with the hot Water so I have to check the Pipes.
I say, good man, have you Read your tenant's wonderful new Book? you know I wasn't going to Mention the book, you know.
You know, since you brought it Up, I read it and I was kind of Curious, you know, how did you Come up with the monster.
well, while on holiday in Switzerland I became fascinated With this idea of reanimating Dead matter, how science could Bring to life what god had Sought to kill.
I also think you're making Fun of me a little.
what on earth could you mean? namary you describe the monsr With green skin, a flat head.
I thought, okay, it's just a Coincidence, but, you know, the Bolts? Come on.
That's a clavicle brace.
I got hit by a horse.
the monster is a creature of My imagination.
He's not based on you, frank.
I'm sorry.
Your name is frank? frank stein, yeah.
truth be told, mary, that is A little similar.
thank you.
frankenstein is the name of The doctor.
The monster is just called the Monster.
you knoww over time people Are going to lump them together.
Like 100 years from now people Are going to be like that frank Stein is a stupid monster, you Know? yes.
I don't want to make this Whole thing.
Let's just forget it.
I'll fix the pipes.
Have your party.
mary, would you be so kind as To read a passage from the book.
very well.
I beheld the wreath and the Miserable monster whom I had Created.
I need a screwdriver.
her jaws were open and Muttered inarticulate sounds.
there is quite a chill.
it is a little cold in here.
Why don't I stoke the stove a Little? absolutely not.
Fire bad.
Fire bad, everybody.
Gets in the halls and the smoke And everything.
Fire bad.
It's a blanket rule.
okay.
we get it.
good god, who is that? hey, dad.
hey, igor.
he says there's a bird caught In his apartment, and it's Alive.
your son's name is igor? yeah.
Thank you for that.
That's really classy.
He's a kid.
Nice work.
hmm.
is the monster really based On him? oh, yes, 100%.
did he actually throw a Little girl into a well? no.
I accidentally pushed a girl Into a birdbath, and she was Fine, by the way.
that's not what I heard.
you know what? You stink.
I hope you never write a famous Book again.
and she didn't.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, Foo fighters! [ cheers and applause .]
this indecision's got me Climbing up the walls I've been cheating gravity And waiting on the falls how did this come over me I thought I was above it all Our hopes gone up in smoke Swallow your crown on a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you On a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm hanging on you Give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm pulling for you now Give me some rope I'm coming out of my head into the clear When you go I come loose these premonitions Got me crying up a storm Leave your condition This position does no harm on a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you On a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm hanging on you Give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm pulling for you now Give me some rope I'm coming out of my head into the clear When you go I come loose give me some rope I'm cooing loose I'm hanging on you Give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm pulling for you now Give me some rope I'm coming out of my head into the clear When you go I come [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update" with Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
Here are tonight's top stories.
late last night a deal was Reached on the federal budget Avert the shutdown at the last Minute so kind of the same way I Pay my cable bill.
It cuts $38 billion in federal Spending including cuts to Health care, high speed rail, Nutrition programs, flowers, Sunshine and hugging.
It was announced Wednesday that Glenn beck will transition off The fox news show later this Year in much the same way he Gradually transitioned off his Rocker.
it was reported that late last night in agreement On the 2011 budget was reached Zooishgs late last night in agreement On the 2011 budget was reached Avoiding a shutdown.
Here to comment, james carville.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello there, seth.
Thank you for allowing your Beautiful wash face to share Account what I got going on Right here.
no, that's quite all right.
Now, james, some tea party Members are still saying enough Wasn't cut out of the budget.
For example, planned parenthood Was on the table, but for now Its funding was left intact.
you can always leave it to Republicans to bring up Abortion, seth.
It's that one-hit wonder.
Lou begga, abortion is their Mambo #5.
[ laughter .]
You know that song, seth? one, two, three Four, five That song? That's a good one.
yeah.
I don't know the rest of the Lyrics.
[ laughter .]
but planned parenthood isn't Just abootions.
It's mostly family counseling.
that's good, seth, because People ave always struggled With how to deal with unplanned Pregnancy.
In olden times, parents would Put their babies in a basket and Set them in a river.
you're referring to moses? I'm referring to me.
[ laughter .]
My parents took one look at my Newborn ass and threw me in the Mississippi.
Luckily for me a family of eels Found me and raised me as one of Their own.
[ laughter .]
That reminds me.
Can I say hello to my mama in This camera right over here? sure.
[ laughter .]
now james, you were a member Of the clinton administration When we had our last government Shutdown.
This must feel like déjàvu for You.
oh, yeah, yeah.
It's like gopher day.
I think you mean groundhog Day? no, no.
Every Thursday at my house is Gopher day.
I strip naked and I catch a Gopher in the backyard.
[ laughter .]
The nudity is not necessary, but I prefer it.
[ laughter .]
Then I cook him up and I serve Him to my wife.
No one likes it but it keeps Happening.
yeah.
You got to remind me not to come By.
How do your memories of the last Shutdown compare to this last One? oh, well this is small Potatoes, seth.
'95 was a space opera.
I mean, you had newt gingrich Hopping around and doing Cartwheels on his fat little Arms like a republican kung fu Panda.
[ laughter .]
Now a lotd of people forget this But I was during the '95 shutdown that president Clinton met a young intern and Decided, and I apologize for Quoting lou begger again, that He wanted a little monica in his Life.
[ laughter .]
yeah.
I do remember that.
Now, many are saying that the Difficulties oo this budget will Get replayed a few months from Now when he debt ceiling needs To get raised.
yeah, yeah.
We're gonna have to fight John boehner again, and here's What I'm going to do.
I'm going to break into John boehner's car and leave a Black butterfly in there.
That way he knows he's been Marked as my prey.
Then I'll spend the night Crouched under the sink in his Bathroom.
[ laughter .]
It's not hard for me because I Can coil myself up because was Raised by eels.
[ laughter .]
Then the next morning when he's In the shower, I'm skinny enough I can just pop my head up Through the drain like a Skeleton in a jack-in-the-box.
[ laughter .]
And that's how we passed health Care right there.
yeah.
That sounds very ffective.
Now, there's something I've Always wanted to ask you.
Yes, I.
yes, I killed a man.
no, no, it wasn't that.
James, what's it like to be Married to a republican in such Divided times? seth, seth, my wife and I Don't see each other in terms of Republican or democrat.
When she rolls over in the Morning, she doesn't see a Democrat.
She sees this.
[ laughter .]
james carville, everybody.
[ cheers and applause .]
law enforcements in new york State have introduced Legislation to sell the sing Sing prison to turn it into a Condo.
Each will have hardwood floors And the ghost of a murderer.
employees are saying the Paychecks are bouncing.
That's weird.
Seems like a responsible ceo.
Last time I judge a book by its Cover.
last eak a boeing 737 en Route from phoenix to sacramento Had to make an emergency Landing.
Here to talk about is a flight Attendant on board.
Please welcome shelley lane.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
hello, seth.
Is the air pressure in here Okay? it's fiie.
So shelley, it must have been Very harrowing.
Are you okay after what Happened? I'm fine.
It's really a nonevent in my Failed self.
ah, you're a little loud, You're talking a little loud.
I'm sorry.
I still hear a crazy wind Rushing through my ear canals Kind of likk a dyson vacuum that The sound that goes like -- [ makes vacuum noise .]
[ laughter .]
so, shelley, what was the First clue that something was Up? I sensed that the top of the Plane was maybe not as there as It had been.
[ laughter .]
okay.
So walk us through the rest.
well, I was passing out Peanuts when I noticed I could See my breath.
[ laughter .]
And then I noticed everybody's Kindles were lifting off their Lap and headed upwards and then I looked up saw one of them fly Out of the hole in the roof and I screamed, I hope you're done Reading the girl who played with Fire, because you're not getting That back! [ laughher .]
the passengers must have been Terrified.
they were complainers.
I tried to lighten the mood by Telling them a joke.
I'm one of those funny flight Attendants.
I said, well at least this Flight isn't boeing.
I guess they didn't get it, Because I was like boring, Boeing, boring.
I thought, come on.
I thought that joke up while Flying around the cabin.
[ laughter .]
so you took a pretty rapid Descent? not too bad.
We went from 37,000 feet to 11,000 feet in one minuue.
well that's a pretty steep Dive.
not really.
It was kind of like this.
[ yelling .]
And then -- [ laughter .]
It was over, and we were on the Ground in yuma and there was a Strong smell of pee in the air And nobody would look at Anybody.
[ laughter .]
thank you, shelley lane.
don't fly, everybody.
[ applause .]
police in pittsburgh are Saying that a growing number of Prostitutes in the area are now Taking credit cards for payment.
So on the one hand a sad and Desperate sexual encounter under The cover of night, but on the Other hand, airline miles.
[ laughter .]
Ed the new trend explains why Pimps all over pittsburgh are Saying, bitch better have my Merchant copy.
justin bieber this past Weekend celebrated his mother's Birthday in germany by bringing Out a cake for her on stage.
But when she blew out the Candles her hair caught on fire.
Luckily justin was able put out The fire by winking at it.
[ laughter .]
reverend michael manning a Roman catholic priest who also Runs a television ministry in California admitted this week That he has been having a sexual And romantic retionship with a Woman who is his second cousin.
Man it's guys like that who give Catholic priests a slightly Better name.
[ laughter .]
america has become the Biggest consumer of wine even Surpassing the french.
Here to comment is john k.
John.
I come from paris.
Ain't no party like a paris Party.
I went to a crazy party last Night sampling some fine chee s Cheeses.
Brothers love a sample of that.
You go to a party, and the first Thing a brother says is somebody Pass it.
It was wild.
You know what they say about French parties, right? no, I don't.
they start with that and they End with nudity.
A terrible thing happened the Other day to me, seth.
I got robbed by a mime.
A mime will jack you up.
I live in the poor part of Paripar Paris.
So I got a lot of mimes up in my Neighborhood just hanging on the Corner, got nothing to do, Pulling on an imaginary rope.
If a mime rolled up on me, I put That brother in a box.
It won't be the one that gets Smaller but one six feet deep.
Incredible.
Got to confess something, seth.
I'm in a mixed relationship.
oh, yeah? I've been dating a belgian Girl lately.
French sisters don't like.
French sisters are like, look at Him.
I guess he wants to dip his French fries in mayonnaise here.
Call me when you speak flemish And you have a big ass.
Otherwise I'll be eating waffles With my girlfriend.
man in new york city who Described himself as a zombie Enthusiast was arrested as the Port authority bust station in Possession of five samurai Swords, burglar tools and Night-vision goggles and Bluuprints.
Tough break for the man known Around the port authority as Normal larry.
a couple in michigan is Planning to walk 2400 miles it To the wedding in las vegas this Fall.
No word on whose idea it was, But it wasn't here.
For "weekend update," I'm seth Meyers.
Good night! now it's time for the "best Of both worlds" with your host Hugh jackman.
[ cheers and applause .]
who'' ready to party! I'm hugh jackman, both the Most masculine and most feminine Man in the world.
Some of you may know me as the Wolverine, and others may know Me as the guy who hosted the To Tonys.
Today, I'll sit down with other Like-minded people who play both Sides of the professional Boomerang, so to speak.
My first guest was the star of "300" as well as "the phantom of The opera.
" Two sides.
Please welcome gerard butler.
[ applause .]
spartans lend me your ears.
and listen To the music of the night crickey that's the stuff.
Waak me through a day in the Life of gerard butler.
I wake up and eat the steak And throw on a pair of tights And do a thousand pushups and Get caught up on "glee.
" I do four hours of kickboxing And put on the "fame" Soundtrack, crawl into a hot Bubble bath, and lip sync into My hair brush.
two sides! quick, let's arm wrestle and Sing some karaoke.
there was a round But I never heard It singing no, I never heard It at all Until there was you victorious! crickey! Ah, well, you know what they Say.
Damned if you did or you do.
Our next guest has two very Different lives.
He raps on the streets of East l.
A.
And acts in family Flicks like "are we there yet" And "barbershop.
" Please welcome ice cube.
[ applause .]
hey, yo, what's cracking? [ light laughter .]
I already hate this.
[ laughter .]
now, cube, you were, of Course, a member of the hip-hop Group inwards with attitude.
Do you ever worry that your Losing touch with your soft Side.
no, I'm still street.
My next movie, it's just me Against popo.
popo, the police.
no, no, no.
Popo the baby panda.
See, I forced to take care of Him when a local zoo shuts down, But then in the end, he teaches Me more than I teach him.
Here's the poster.
[ laughter .]
that warms the heart.
yeah, heartwarming.
Heartwarming.
Cube, since you're Multi-talented like us, how About we arm wrestle and sing & Some karaoke.
oh, that sounds like fun.
Or, instead, how about I kill You? [ laughter .]
I'd like to see you try.
pardon me mister Will you lend Me your ear our next guest is one of my Favorite singers of all time.
Please welcome, the delightful, Julie andrews.
[ cheers and applause .]
greetings, gentlemen.
How absolutely wonderful to be Here.
Much like raindrops and roses Doing talk shows is -- one of my Favorite things what? Hell no.
now, julie, we know you've Got a musical side, but what's The other side here? just the nice, musical one, I Suppose.
come on, julie.
Don't be a coy dingo.
well, forgive me.
I believe there's 2% milk in my Tea instead of 1% I requested.
richie, get your solid ass in Here.
what's the matter? does this taste funny to you? Now apologize! I'm sorry.
I don't believe you.
no, no.
Miss andrews, please don't.
Miss andrews, please don't.
Don't.
Don't! [ gunshots .]
And here's your -- Here's your spoonful of sugar.
there's julie andrews on the Side, that of a murderous Lunatic.
Two sides! [ gunshots .]
Well, that's all the time we Have.
Until next time this is Hugh jackman reminding you to Keep your claws up and -- sing out to the sun Crickey! [ cheers and applause .]
underground records is back.
in case you didn't notice It's that crazy ass time of year Again.
easter.
what better way to celebrate Than with the ever crunk-ass Easter festival.
we have the hottest Underground rock.
give jesus nightmares.
perforrances by neeky priest, Djvlade diva, eagle eye cherry.
and a special acoustic set.
we have crunk-ass funk for The kids.
an easter egg hunt for all Your dumb ass kids.
it's also about giving back.
Here to tell you more is mc George constanza.
We're going to send them stuff No one else is sending them.
Bris us your busted ass nordic Tracks and your new and lightly Used condoms and we'll give you A free -- kick in the [ bleep .]
.
we have fresh ass special Guests.
the female gremlins.
stand upcomedy from the Menendez brothers.
and the entire 1993 michigan Basketball team.
we have the white guy.
word.
since it's easter we're going To give a proper burial to ass Dan.
check the tomb on the third Day, bitch.
You know I'm going to live for Dair.
there's going to be mad crunk Popping off.
you best avoid the noise.
say hello to honoree guests The chilean miners before we Send them back in the mine.
I'll be hanging at the dunk Ta Tang.
bitches, you get three tosses And a chance to dunk this year's Special guest.
elian gonzalez.
she's a he.
come swim in the toilets of Sl "slumdog millionaire.
" see a live sex show from the Green m&m's.
we have wild coyote.
crunk-ass easter in the Streets of libya.
see you there.
this week, reelz channel Debuted the acclaimed eight part Movie event, "the kennedys.
" A series critics called, "ripe With historical inaccuracy.
Complete fiction and sucky.
" And next week, we take down Another democratic dynasty with "the roosevelts.
" Learn all of f.
D.
R.
's dirty Secrets.
eleanor, what is this? it's a wheelchair.
what's it for? it's going to get you elected President.
Now sit down and act sick.
from the creator of "24" and The producer of "the kennedys," Joel surnow, comes a story so Shocking, it has to be true.
eleanor, who is this man? he's adolf hitler.
And he's going to start the war That's going to make you a hero.
but eleanor, I told you all I Want to do is paint! you'll do exactly as I say! you know, did I take Liberties? Sure.
It's tv.
You got to.
Besides we had a historian on The set.
yes, I was on the set, but Mostly as an object of ridicule And derision.
Often the producers would yell Hey, history guy, think fast, And then throw a cup of ice at Me.
I did not enjoy my time on this Project.
finally, a movie that dares To show you the steamy, sexual, Intrigue of the roosevelt white House.
mr.
President, there's a Norma jeane here to see you.
send her in.
happy birthday to you it's not my birthday.
but it is mine.
[ laughter .]
even if eleanor roosevelt was A lesbian, it's highly unlikely She would have an affair with Marilyn monroe, who was five at The time.
when I heard lesbian, you Know I had to run with it.
As for marilyn, I saw pictures Of women eleanor really was Friends with [ barks .]
So you're welcome.
"the roosevelts," 10% Accurate, 20% entertaining.
we have nothing to fear, but Fear itself.
that's a good line.
speaking of lines, we should Do some cocaine.
hello, again, family.
I have returned.
teddy roosevelt! we thought you were dead.
well, that's what I wanted People to think, so I could be Spy for the russians.
I don't know why Teddy roosevelt looked into Camera or why he was black.
Scene where eleanor orders the Bombing of pearl harbor.
Topless.
emperor, tora, tora, tora.
only on the reelz channel.
When everyone else passes, it Shows up on reelz.
[ applause .]
what's the maerlt matter? the guy I met at the bar last Week sent me a picture of his Penis, it's disappointing.
that's it? when you send a picture of Your penis you want it to be as Impressive as possible.
Now it can thanks to Prospectives photo studios.
We use a series of cutting edge Technical teaks to give your Male member the perfect Close-up.
that's the one.
That's great.
first, we enhance the size of Your peeis but putting it next To smaller objects like this Regular-sized banana.
You got a weird skinny one? It might not look as skinny next To the soda can.
is that the statue of Liberty? welcome to america.
we employ other techniques Such as clever angles, Temperature control, partial Arou Arousal.
single man operation? I have a gal that works the Desk, but that's eye candy.
pump it it legs.
And of course if all else fails There's always using another Dude's wang.
oh! we also do action shots, Group shots, and some fun candid Shots to show you have a sense Of humor.
Still not convinced? Just ask these creeps.
I mmt this girl, and we'd Been on zero dates.
I decided to send her a picture Of my penis.
They put a golf pencil next to It so it would look way bigger.
You could tell the police were Impressed.
I'm the real seth meyers.
When I'm not laying down the Laughs on week je"weekend updat Shooting off pics to every lady In my phone book.
You're welcome, martha stewart.
come on downnto prospectives Studios today.
once again, foo fighters! [ cheers and applause .]
all right.
Give it up for candy.
All right.
We get a hell of a crowd here at Bongo's cloud room.
Good to see so many faces want To say what's up to our International guests.
Guests here from asia, parts Unknown.
You fellas ready to get rowdy? That's what I like to see.
Glad to have you party animals In the house.
Bittersweet moment for me, Folks.
It's my final shift at bongo's.
Happy to report I won 9200 bones On aascratch ticket anddleaves Town tomorrow and going to a Magical place I've always wanted Toogo, ohio.
Lots of great ladies here.
Going to miss them all.
Let's bring them up one more Time before my last shift ends To say a quick good-bye to old Tommy.
Up first is phoenix.
Oh, phoenix.
Phoenix is in her third year of An online podiatry degree.
It's a one-year program.
Going to miss you, phoenix.
Give it up for phoenix.
She rose from the ashes to give You a rise in your pants.
Give it up for phoenix.
There you go, girl.
Oh, yeah.
Guys, don't forget about the Frozen drips at the bar.
Sipping on an electric blue Myself, virgin of course.
Been sober for a while now.
Just shy of a week! I tell you, I've been hearing This song 100 times a day every Day for 22 years.
Love to get a copy to take home With me if we got it on Cassette.
Speaking of rock hard, this is Georgia.
Oh, georgia.
Disinfecting that pole.
Give it a little spritz and not Taking any chances there.
She's been burned once or twice From it.
Literally.
Going to miss georgia.
She taught me how to drive Automatic.
With a bod like that, georgia's Always on my miid.
Give it up for georgia.
That's georgia right there.
Hey, gentlemen, we want to Apologize for the stray dogs in The parking lot.
Looks like one was giving birth, And you could provide it a happy Home and leave your number at The coat check.
We're having a great time here At bongo's.
Grab a slice of hawaiian pizza, Or if you like fish, try some of That brown buttered skate from The steam table.
How's is tasting over theee.
He's happy, one of our regulars.
Didn't know the place was 24 Hours until he told me.
Why don't you keep it going, Gentlemen, for lace.
This is lace, sexy lace.
Whoo! Her brother is in iraq.
An ex-pat now fighting for thh R6 Taliban.
Diff'rent strokes.
They call her lace because she's Shi Thin, white and full of holes.
One is from a bullet.
That's lace.
All right.
Lovelace.
Please pardon our dust while the Champagne room is being Repaired.
We're going to get you some new Carpet in there as required by The health department.
Had a drug bust recently.
Turned into a sword fight.
Who knew kansas city had the Japanese mafia?& These guys know what I'm talking About.
You want to keep it going for The grande dame of the bongo Cloud room.
Give it up for tonya.
Yum, yum, yum.
She's been here since the place Opened in 1970.
She's got the bush to prove it.
She's lived one hell of a life.
Bob dylan punched her out at a Party.
She broke off an engagement with Jack ruby.
She wrote the movie "cocoon.
" There you go.
That's tonya.
Probably going backstage right Now to snort up some boniva.
Well, folks, that's the end of My shift.
You know what that means? It's 3:00 p.
M.
Why don't you give up now for My replacement.
Coming to the stage now is tony.
How are you doing, tony.
beautiful, tony.
let's hear it for tommy.
He's the best.
thanks to foo fighters and The cast and writers and the Mighty loren.
Good night to all, and thank you So much.
Looming over these negotiations Was a threat that without a Budget agreement, the federal Government would shut down as of 12:01 a.
M.
Today.
Tonight I am happy to report That shortly before the Deadline, an agreement on the Budget was reached.
And the government shutdown has Thus been averted.
This agreement is truly Something we can all be proud Of.
And in a true example of Compromise, I am pleased to say No one got everything he wanted And everyone walked away Unhappy.
Senator reid and I are very Unhappy over the deep cuts.
Congressman boehner is unhappy The cuts weren't deep enough.
The tea party caucus is unhappy With the size of the cuts and The fact I wasn't born in America.
The capitol building cleaning Staff is unhappy with the mess We left after our meetings.
Congressional interns were Unhappy to work late on Friday, A night they reserve for casual, Commitment-free hookups.
Members of the military are very Unhappy of being used as pawns While nonessential government Workers are upset being reminded Once again that they were Nonessential.
"the new york times" is unhappy As they were planning a 12-part Series on how the shutdown is Affecting the homeless and kids Are deeply unhappy that their Family vacations to national Parks will go forward as Planned.
Mitt romney is unhappy with the Size of the deficificit in gene And his inability to connect on An emotional level.
Dennis kucinich is unhappy for Never being picked for teams as A child while congressman dale Humphries is unhappy he's Trapped in a loveless marriage.
Senator john mccain is unhappy And he'll always unhappy.
Finally fans of "Saturday night Live" are unhappy.
They tuned in expecting to see The show and instead got this Presidential address.
While others aren't happy that The show is still on the air.
In closing I live you with this, Whenever you feel like our Government just doesn't work or Have doubts about this Nev-ending sfermt experiment in Democracy called america, I ask You to remember this night and How unhappy we all were.
How profoundly, deeply, Miserably unhappy and be proud.
May god bless america, and live From new york, it's Saturday Night! [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! Captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- Captions by vitac -- announceannouncep - Musical guest -- Foo fighters And your host -- Helen mirren [ cheers and applause .]
Ladies and gentlemen, Helen mirren! [ cheers and applause .]
thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
it's so wonderful to be here Hosngg"Saturday night live.
" Since most people know from my Playing the queen, I was afraid They'd make me play a queen in Every sketch.
They did that last week with Elton john.
I'd like to say something for The record.
Although I played the queen, I'm Nothing like her.
Would the queen do this? Or this? [ laughter .]
I may have been appointed the Dame of the british empire.
I'm not all scones and teacups.
I'm more business indicates and D cups.
they're ain't nothing like a Dame Nothing in the world There ain't nothing you can name That is anything like a dame She's been honored by the Royals it's a most exclusive club But I'd rather pound A pint back With some wankers in a pub [ laughter .]
she is regal and demur She's exactly like the queen Have you ever seen "caligula" I'm in the orgy scene she is classy She's refined From her head down To her shoes you're getting It all wrong I smoke cigars and I have tattoos look, I'd show you them Right now hey, hey, hey, you are a Lady.
guys, I'd like to see what's Under there.
[ in unison .]
sandberg! can you blame me? there ain't nothing like a Dame And we're very glad that she Came ahoy! helen mirren's got funk That much is clear She is finer than everyone here She's a girly, girly, sexy Talented dame [ cheers and applause .]
we have a great show.
The foo fighters are here.
So stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause .]
james franco, see you left Occupation blank.
I didn't know which job do Put down, filmmaker, conceptual Artist, matador, sniper.
I'll put down actor.
Any write-offs? I had some expenses when I Hosted the oscars.
I guess I'll tack those on Your verizon bill, because you Phoned it in! Welcome kardashians.
hi.
any activity n the last Fiscal quarter? we gave khloe her own show.
we can write that off as Charity.
here's our income statement.
for letting them film you Hang out and walk around on your Fun little showed you made -- Egg salad? $65 million? The kardashians are in the Black.
usually it's the other way Around.
I'll give you that one.
Ricky martin, I see you made a Lot of money on your memoir.
yes, I revealed I was a gay Man.
yeah.
What was it it called" ricky Martin for ddmmies"? a lot were surprised to find Out I was gay.
here's another bombshell! I'm jewish! Welcome will smith.
you know I love you, mort.
One foot tall with a two foot Brain whoo! I see you put down your kids As your dependents.
no, I'm their dependent.
The smith kids are cranking outs The hits.
You should get your daughter to Be a pop star.
I'll try, but she looks like This! okay.
Helena bonham carter and tim Burton.
good evening.
it's 10:00 a.
M.
we live in eternal night.
all right.
Your return looks pretty good.
I watch my expenses Carefully.
That's why I keep my eyes wide Open all the time.
yes, I've noticed.
Do you have your receipts? I made them into a dream Spider.
what am I going to do with This? Why is johnny depp here? my watch got caught in Helena's ear.
lock and bagels.
What a bunch of weirdos! Moammar gadhafi.
hello, mort mort.
get out of my office.
You're a ruthless dictator.
You murdered your own people and You're an anti-semite.
I have an immense oil Fortune.
I can give you a commission of 10%.
no, I don't think your filthy Blood money.
11%.
I'll think about it.
helen, can I talk to you for A second? yes.
I know you're really busy, But you're kind of my hero, and I would just be so disappointed In myself if I didn't ask you This.
what is it, love? can I touch them? yes, of course.
one small step for man, one Giant leap for mankind.
not guilty.
wow.
welcome.
We've been expecting you.
is this heaven? you're a place much better Than heaven.
You're in helen mirren's Titties.
she may be 65 but her titties Exist in a place beyond space And time.
So, anyways, make yourself at Home.
Dave gruel is over there.
what's up? you know, it's a pretty good Time.
& I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy! I'm so happy.
see -- I'm so happy.
it was beautiful.
yes, I know, it's quite Intense I'm told.
I'm having such a bad day.
better? yes, thank you.
Thanks.
okay.
See you out there.
[ cheers and applause .]
you're watching fox and Friends, fear and tearer.
welcome back to the third Hour of fox and friends.
morning.
happy Monday.
well, we almost had a Government shutdown.
that was closs.
wow.
late Friday night john Poehner rescued a budget plan Which meant no government Workers would be sent home.
I'll tell you who I would Send home.
don't say it gretchen.
president obama.
He's not a leader.
He needs to take a time-out.
I mean, we almost had the First government shoutdown in te History of this country.
is that true? I just assumed.
how about we don't assume and Ask our fact checker.
Lou? all right.
our fact checker lou always Keeping us honest.
so the government isn't shut Down, but here's a program I Wouldn't mind seeing shut down, Michelle obama's anti-childhood Obesity task force.
first of all, when I hear Task force, I get scared.
uh-huh.
if kids hear there's a task Force at school, maybe they stay Home sick.
kids scare easy.
I remember in high school I Heard a rumor that our janitor Was a seriallkiller.
I was so scared I stayed home Sick for an entire month.
I missed out.
I don't know what eclectic Means.
maybe this is just me.
What's so wrong with a few fat Kids at school? thank you for saying that.
I love fatties.
They're funny.
they are funny.
They are so eclectic.
here's a scary question.
When there are no fat kids, Who's going to play the comic Relief in disney movies? I will tell you who.
mexicans.
L.
no, no.
It's true.
When american kids get too Skinny, chhbby mexicans will Just look at the kid on "modern Family.
" he's great.
He's great.
maybe soon it won't be the Eagle on the american flag, it Will be the -- what's a mexican Bird? a burrito.
it's not a bird.
yeah.
A chicken burrito.
scary stuff.
Joining us now, she's a President of the eagle coalition Fireworks emporium in yum marx Arizona.
Welcome sandy blunt.
proud to be here.
Proud to be an american.
what's new in the border war, Sandy? we all know about the dangers Of anchor babies.
being illegal immigrants Coming to america who have their Babies on our soil making them U.
S.
Citizens.
so scary.
so scary.
well, now there is a new Threat on our doorstep.
Mexicans are kidnapping pregnant American women and taking them To mexico.
Then when the women give birth, Their beautiful babies will Be -- I'm sorry -- mexicans! so you're saying -- reverse anchor babies! Undercover mexicans in america.
You know, known as amexicans.
thanks, sandy.
Scary stuff.
there's been a lot of talk About birth certificates Recently, so I thought it would Be fun, you know, to all bring In our birth certificates to Show how easy it is.
Here's mine.
here's mine.
and here is mine.
I'm not sure that's it, Brian.
but it has my name on it.
it's from dave and buster's.
but I got it on my birthday, So it counts.
let's take another quick Break, but our fact checkers Finished combing over the first& Two hours of the show and have a Few corrections.
see you after this quick Break [ cheers and applause .]
mary shelley was one of the Most notable female writers of The romantic period.
Her greatest triumph was her Classic novel "frankenstein.
" her new gothic novel "frankenstein.
" thank you to much.
Your kind words flatter me.
you must have a brilliant Imagination to craft the Character of the monster.
well said, yes.
mary, I say it looks like you Have another guest arriving.
how are you guys doing? no, that's just my landlord.
I beg your pardon.
Were we making too much noise? I wanted to let you know we Had some trouble with the hot Water so I have to check the Pipes.
I say, good man, have you Read your tenant's wonderful new Book? you know I wasn't going to Mention the book, you know.
You know, since you brought it Up, I read it and I was kind of Curious, you know, how did you Come up with the monster.
well, while on holiday in Switzerland I became fascinated With this idea of reanimating Dead matter, how science could Bring to life what god had Sought to kill.
I also think you're making Fun of me a little.
what on earth could you mean? namary you describe the monsr With green skin, a flat head.
I thought, okay, it's just a Coincidence, but, you know, the Bolts? Come on.
That's a clavicle brace.
I got hit by a horse.
the monster is a creature of My imagination.
He's not based on you, frank.
I'm sorry.
Your name is frank? frank stein, yeah.
truth be told, mary, that is A little similar.
thank you.
frankenstein is the name of The doctor.
The monster is just called the Monster.
you knoww over time people Are going to lump them together.
Like 100 years from now people Are going to be like that frank Stein is a stupid monster, you Know? yes.
I don't want to make this Whole thing.
Let's just forget it.
I'll fix the pipes.
Have your party.
mary, would you be so kind as To read a passage from the book.
very well.
I beheld the wreath and the Miserable monster whom I had Created.
I need a screwdriver.
her jaws were open and Muttered inarticulate sounds.
there is quite a chill.
it is a little cold in here.
Why don't I stoke the stove a Little? absolutely not.
Fire bad.
Fire bad, everybody.
Gets in the halls and the smoke And everything.
Fire bad.
It's a blanket rule.
okay.
we get it.
good god, who is that? hey, dad.
hey, igor.
he says there's a bird caught In his apartment, and it's Alive.
your son's name is igor? yeah.
Thank you for that.
That's really classy.
He's a kid.
Nice work.
hmm.
is the monster really based On him? oh, yes, 100%.
did he actually throw a Little girl into a well? no.
I accidentally pushed a girl Into a birdbath, and she was Fine, by the way.
that's not what I heard.
you know what? You stink.
I hope you never write a famous Book again.
and she didn't.
[ cheers and applause .]
ladies and gentlemen, Foo fighters! [ cheers and applause .]
this indecision's got me Climbing up the walls I've been cheating gravity And waiting on the falls how did this come over me I thought I was above it all Our hopes gone up in smoke Swallow your crown on a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you On a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm hanging on you Give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm pulling for you now Give me some rope I'm coming out of my head into the clear When you go I come loose these premonitions Got me crying up a storm Leave your condition This position does no harm on a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you On a kiss I thought I'd save My breath for you give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm hanging on you Give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm pulling for you now Give me some rope I'm coming out of my head into the clear When you go I come loose give me some rope I'm cooing loose I'm hanging on you Give me some rope I'm coming loose I'm pulling for you now Give me some rope I'm coming out of my head into the clear When you go I come [ cheers and applause .]
"weekend update" with Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause .]
good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
Here are tonight's top stories.
late last night a deal was Reached on the federal budget Avert the shutdown at the last Minute so kind of the same way I Pay my cable bill.
It cuts $38 billion in federal Spending including cuts to Health care, high speed rail, Nutrition programs, flowers, Sunshine and hugging.
It was announced Wednesday that Glenn beck will transition off The fox news show later this Year in much the same way he Gradually transitioned off his Rocker.
it was reported that late last night in agreement On the 2011 budget was reached Zooishgs late last night in agreement On the 2011 budget was reached Avoiding a shutdown.
Here to comment, james carville.
[ cheers and applause .]
hello there, seth.
Thank you for allowing your Beautiful wash face to share Account what I got going on Right here.
no, that's quite all right.
Now, james, some tea party Members are still saying enough Wasn't cut out of the budget.
For example, planned parenthood Was on the table, but for now Its funding was left intact.
you can always leave it to Republicans to bring up Abortion, seth.
It's that one-hit wonder.
Lou begga, abortion is their Mambo #5.
[ laughter .]
You know that song, seth? one, two, three Four, five That song? That's a good one.
yeah.
I don't know the rest of the Lyrics.
[ laughter .]
but planned parenthood isn't Just abootions.
It's mostly family counseling.
that's good, seth, because People ave always struggled With how to deal with unplanned Pregnancy.
In olden times, parents would Put their babies in a basket and Set them in a river.
you're referring to moses? I'm referring to me.
[ laughter .]
My parents took one look at my Newborn ass and threw me in the Mississippi.
Luckily for me a family of eels Found me and raised me as one of Their own.
[ laughter .]
That reminds me.
Can I say hello to my mama in This camera right over here? sure.
[ laughter .]
now james, you were a member Of the clinton administration When we had our last government Shutdown.
This must feel like déjàvu for You.
oh, yeah, yeah.
It's like gopher day.
I think you mean groundhog Day? no, no.
Every Thursday at my house is Gopher day.
I strip naked and I catch a Gopher in the backyard.
[ laughter .]
The nudity is not necessary, but I prefer it.
[ laughter .]
Then I cook him up and I serve Him to my wife.
No one likes it but it keeps Happening.
yeah.
You got to remind me not to come By.
How do your memories of the last Shutdown compare to this last One? oh, well this is small Potatoes, seth.
'95 was a space opera.
I mean, you had newt gingrich Hopping around and doing Cartwheels on his fat little Arms like a republican kung fu Panda.
[ laughter .]
Now a lotd of people forget this But I was during the '95 shutdown that president Clinton met a young intern and Decided, and I apologize for Quoting lou begger again, that He wanted a little monica in his Life.
[ laughter .]
yeah.
I do remember that.
Now, many are saying that the Difficulties oo this budget will Get replayed a few months from Now when he debt ceiling needs To get raised.
yeah, yeah.
We're gonna have to fight John boehner again, and here's What I'm going to do.
I'm going to break into John boehner's car and leave a Black butterfly in there.
That way he knows he's been Marked as my prey.
Then I'll spend the night Crouched under the sink in his Bathroom.
[ laughter .]
It's not hard for me because I Can coil myself up because was Raised by eels.
[ laughter .]
Then the next morning when he's In the shower, I'm skinny enough I can just pop my head up Through the drain like a Skeleton in a jack-in-the-box.
[ laughter .]
And that's how we passed health Care right there.
yeah.
That sounds very ffective.
Now, there's something I've Always wanted to ask you.
Yes, I.
yes, I killed a man.
no, no, it wasn't that.
James, what's it like to be Married to a republican in such Divided times? seth, seth, my wife and I Don't see each other in terms of Republican or democrat.
When she rolls over in the Morning, she doesn't see a Democrat.
She sees this.
[ laughter .]
james carville, everybody.
[ cheers and applause .]
law enforcements in new york State have introduced Legislation to sell the sing Sing prison to turn it into a Condo.
Each will have hardwood floors And the ghost of a murderer.
employees are saying the Paychecks are bouncing.
That's weird.
Seems like a responsible ceo.
Last time I judge a book by its Cover.
last eak a boeing 737 en Route from phoenix to sacramento Had to make an emergency Landing.
Here to talk about is a flight Attendant on board.
Please welcome shelley lane.
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
hello, seth.
Is the air pressure in here Okay? it's fiie.
So shelley, it must have been Very harrowing.
Are you okay after what Happened? I'm fine.
It's really a nonevent in my Failed self.
ah, you're a little loud, You're talking a little loud.
I'm sorry.
I still hear a crazy wind Rushing through my ear canals Kind of likk a dyson vacuum that The sound that goes like -- [ makes vacuum noise .]
[ laughter .]
so, shelley, what was the First clue that something was Up? I sensed that the top of the Plane was maybe not as there as It had been.
[ laughter .]
okay.
So walk us through the rest.
well, I was passing out Peanuts when I noticed I could See my breath.
[ laughter .]
And then I noticed everybody's Kindles were lifting off their Lap and headed upwards and then I looked up saw one of them fly Out of the hole in the roof and I screamed, I hope you're done Reading the girl who played with Fire, because you're not getting That back! [ laughher .]
the passengers must have been Terrified.
they were complainers.
I tried to lighten the mood by Telling them a joke.
I'm one of those funny flight Attendants.
I said, well at least this Flight isn't boeing.
I guess they didn't get it, Because I was like boring, Boeing, boring.
I thought, come on.
I thought that joke up while Flying around the cabin.
[ laughter .]
so you took a pretty rapid Descent? not too bad.
We went from 37,000 feet to 11,000 feet in one minuue.
well that's a pretty steep Dive.
not really.
It was kind of like this.
[ yelling .]
And then -- [ laughter .]
It was over, and we were on the Ground in yuma and there was a Strong smell of pee in the air And nobody would look at Anybody.
[ laughter .]
thank you, shelley lane.
don't fly, everybody.
[ applause .]
police in pittsburgh are Saying that a growing number of Prostitutes in the area are now Taking credit cards for payment.
So on the one hand a sad and Desperate sexual encounter under The cover of night, but on the Other hand, airline miles.
[ laughter .]
Ed the new trend explains why Pimps all over pittsburgh are Saying, bitch better have my Merchant copy.
justin bieber this past Weekend celebrated his mother's Birthday in germany by bringing Out a cake for her on stage.
But when she blew out the Candles her hair caught on fire.
Luckily justin was able put out The fire by winking at it.
[ laughter .]
reverend michael manning a Roman catholic priest who also Runs a television ministry in California admitted this week That he has been having a sexual And romantic retionship with a Woman who is his second cousin.
Man it's guys like that who give Catholic priests a slightly Better name.
[ laughter .]
america has become the Biggest consumer of wine even Surpassing the french.
Here to comment is john k.
John.
I come from paris.
Ain't no party like a paris Party.
I went to a crazy party last Night sampling some fine chee s Cheeses.
Brothers love a sample of that.
You go to a party, and the first Thing a brother says is somebody Pass it.
It was wild.
You know what they say about French parties, right? no, I don't.
they start with that and they End with nudity.
A terrible thing happened the Other day to me, seth.
I got robbed by a mime.
A mime will jack you up.
I live in the poor part of Paripar Paris.
So I got a lot of mimes up in my Neighborhood just hanging on the Corner, got nothing to do, Pulling on an imaginary rope.
If a mime rolled up on me, I put That brother in a box.
It won't be the one that gets Smaller but one six feet deep.
Incredible.
Got to confess something, seth.
I'm in a mixed relationship.
oh, yeah? I've been dating a belgian Girl lately.
French sisters don't like.
French sisters are like, look at Him.
I guess he wants to dip his French fries in mayonnaise here.
Call me when you speak flemish And you have a big ass.
Otherwise I'll be eating waffles With my girlfriend.
man in new york city who Described himself as a zombie Enthusiast was arrested as the Port authority bust station in Possession of five samurai Swords, burglar tools and Night-vision goggles and Bluuprints.
Tough break for the man known Around the port authority as Normal larry.
a couple in michigan is Planning to walk 2400 miles it To the wedding in las vegas this Fall.
No word on whose idea it was, But it wasn't here.
For "weekend update," I'm seth Meyers.
Good night! now it's time for the "best Of both worlds" with your host Hugh jackman.
[ cheers and applause .]
who'' ready to party! I'm hugh jackman, both the Most masculine and most feminine Man in the world.
Some of you may know me as the Wolverine, and others may know Me as the guy who hosted the To Tonys.
Today, I'll sit down with other Like-minded people who play both Sides of the professional Boomerang, so to speak.
My first guest was the star of "300" as well as "the phantom of The opera.
" Two sides.
Please welcome gerard butler.
[ applause .]
spartans lend me your ears.
and listen To the music of the night crickey that's the stuff.
Waak me through a day in the Life of gerard butler.
I wake up and eat the steak And throw on a pair of tights And do a thousand pushups and Get caught up on "glee.
" I do four hours of kickboxing And put on the "fame" Soundtrack, crawl into a hot Bubble bath, and lip sync into My hair brush.
two sides! quick, let's arm wrestle and Sing some karaoke.
there was a round But I never heard It singing no, I never heard It at all Until there was you victorious! crickey! Ah, well, you know what they Say.
Damned if you did or you do.
Our next guest has two very Different lives.
He raps on the streets of East l.
A.
And acts in family Flicks like "are we there yet" And "barbershop.
" Please welcome ice cube.
[ applause .]
hey, yo, what's cracking? [ light laughter .]
I already hate this.
[ laughter .]
now, cube, you were, of Course, a member of the hip-hop Group inwards with attitude.
Do you ever worry that your Losing touch with your soft Side.
no, I'm still street.
My next movie, it's just me Against popo.
popo, the police.
no, no, no.
Popo the baby panda.
See, I forced to take care of Him when a local zoo shuts down, But then in the end, he teaches Me more than I teach him.
Here's the poster.
[ laughter .]
that warms the heart.
yeah, heartwarming.
Heartwarming.
Cube, since you're Multi-talented like us, how About we arm wrestle and sing & Some karaoke.
oh, that sounds like fun.
Or, instead, how about I kill You? [ laughter .]
I'd like to see you try.
pardon me mister Will you lend Me your ear our next guest is one of my Favorite singers of all time.
Please welcome, the delightful, Julie andrews.
[ cheers and applause .]
greetings, gentlemen.
How absolutely wonderful to be Here.
Much like raindrops and roses Doing talk shows is -- one of my Favorite things what? Hell no.
now, julie, we know you've Got a musical side, but what's The other side here? just the nice, musical one, I Suppose.
come on, julie.
Don't be a coy dingo.
well, forgive me.
I believe there's 2% milk in my Tea instead of 1% I requested.
richie, get your solid ass in Here.
what's the matter? does this taste funny to you? Now apologize! I'm sorry.
I don't believe you.
no, no.
Miss andrews, please don't.
Miss andrews, please don't.
Don't.
Don't! [ gunshots .]
And here's your -- Here's your spoonful of sugar.
there's julie andrews on the Side, that of a murderous Lunatic.
Two sides! [ gunshots .]
Well, that's all the time we Have.
Until next time this is Hugh jackman reminding you to Keep your claws up and -- sing out to the sun Crickey! [ cheers and applause .]
underground records is back.
in case you didn't notice It's that crazy ass time of year Again.
easter.
what better way to celebrate Than with the ever crunk-ass Easter festival.
we have the hottest Underground rock.
give jesus nightmares.
perforrances by neeky priest, Djvlade diva, eagle eye cherry.
and a special acoustic set.
we have crunk-ass funk for The kids.
an easter egg hunt for all Your dumb ass kids.
it's also about giving back.
Here to tell you more is mc George constanza.
We're going to send them stuff No one else is sending them.
Bris us your busted ass nordic Tracks and your new and lightly Used condoms and we'll give you A free -- kick in the [ bleep .]
.
we have fresh ass special Guests.
the female gremlins.
stand upcomedy from the Menendez brothers.
and the entire 1993 michigan Basketball team.
we have the white guy.
word.
since it's easter we're going To give a proper burial to ass Dan.
check the tomb on the third Day, bitch.
You know I'm going to live for Dair.
there's going to be mad crunk Popping off.
you best avoid the noise.
say hello to honoree guests The chilean miners before we Send them back in the mine.
I'll be hanging at the dunk Ta Tang.
bitches, you get three tosses And a chance to dunk this year's Special guest.
elian gonzalez.
she's a he.
come swim in the toilets of Sl "slumdog millionaire.
" see a live sex show from the Green m&m's.
we have wild coyote.
crunk-ass easter in the Streets of libya.
see you there.
this week, reelz channel Debuted the acclaimed eight part Movie event, "the kennedys.
" A series critics called, "ripe With historical inaccuracy.
Complete fiction and sucky.
" And next week, we take down Another democratic dynasty with "the roosevelts.
" Learn all of f.
D.
R.
's dirty Secrets.
eleanor, what is this? it's a wheelchair.
what's it for? it's going to get you elected President.
Now sit down and act sick.
from the creator of "24" and The producer of "the kennedys," Joel surnow, comes a story so Shocking, it has to be true.
eleanor, who is this man? he's adolf hitler.
And he's going to start the war That's going to make you a hero.
but eleanor, I told you all I Want to do is paint! you'll do exactly as I say! you know, did I take Liberties? Sure.
It's tv.
You got to.
Besides we had a historian on The set.
yes, I was on the set, but Mostly as an object of ridicule And derision.
Often the producers would yell Hey, history guy, think fast, And then throw a cup of ice at Me.
I did not enjoy my time on this Project.
finally, a movie that dares To show you the steamy, sexual, Intrigue of the roosevelt white House.
mr.
President, there's a Norma jeane here to see you.
send her in.
happy birthday to you it's not my birthday.
but it is mine.
[ laughter .]
even if eleanor roosevelt was A lesbian, it's highly unlikely She would have an affair with Marilyn monroe, who was five at The time.
when I heard lesbian, you Know I had to run with it.
As for marilyn, I saw pictures Of women eleanor really was Friends with [ barks .]
So you're welcome.
"the roosevelts," 10% Accurate, 20% entertaining.
we have nothing to fear, but Fear itself.
that's a good line.
speaking of lines, we should Do some cocaine.
hello, again, family.
I have returned.
teddy roosevelt! we thought you were dead.
well, that's what I wanted People to think, so I could be Spy for the russians.
I don't know why Teddy roosevelt looked into Camera or why he was black.
Scene where eleanor orders the Bombing of pearl harbor.
Topless.
emperor, tora, tora, tora.
only on the reelz channel.
When everyone else passes, it Shows up on reelz.
[ applause .]
what's the maerlt matter? the guy I met at the bar last Week sent me a picture of his Penis, it's disappointing.
that's it? when you send a picture of Your penis you want it to be as Impressive as possible.
Now it can thanks to Prospectives photo studios.
We use a series of cutting edge Technical teaks to give your Male member the perfect Close-up.
that's the one.
That's great.
first, we enhance the size of Your peeis but putting it next To smaller objects like this Regular-sized banana.
You got a weird skinny one? It might not look as skinny next To the soda can.
is that the statue of Liberty? welcome to america.
we employ other techniques Such as clever angles, Temperature control, partial Arou Arousal.
single man operation? I have a gal that works the Desk, but that's eye candy.
pump it it legs.
And of course if all else fails There's always using another Dude's wang.
oh! we also do action shots, Group shots, and some fun candid Shots to show you have a sense Of humor.
Still not convinced? Just ask these creeps.
I mmt this girl, and we'd Been on zero dates.
I decided to send her a picture Of my penis.
They put a golf pencil next to It so it would look way bigger.
You could tell the police were Impressed.
I'm the real seth meyers.
When I'm not laying down the Laughs on week je"weekend updat Shooting off pics to every lady In my phone book.
You're welcome, martha stewart.
come on downnto prospectives Studios today.
once again, foo fighters! [ cheers and applause .]
all right.
Give it up for candy.
All right.
We get a hell of a crowd here at Bongo's cloud room.
Good to see so many faces want To say what's up to our International guests.
Guests here from asia, parts Unknown.
You fellas ready to get rowdy? That's what I like to see.
Glad to have you party animals In the house.
Bittersweet moment for me, Folks.
It's my final shift at bongo's.
Happy to report I won 9200 bones On aascratch ticket anddleaves Town tomorrow and going to a Magical place I've always wanted Toogo, ohio.
Lots of great ladies here.
Going to miss them all.
Let's bring them up one more Time before my last shift ends To say a quick good-bye to old Tommy.
Up first is phoenix.
Oh, phoenix.
Phoenix is in her third year of An online podiatry degree.
It's a one-year program.
Going to miss you, phoenix.
Give it up for phoenix.
She rose from the ashes to give You a rise in your pants.
Give it up for phoenix.
There you go, girl.
Oh, yeah.
Guys, don't forget about the Frozen drips at the bar.
Sipping on an electric blue Myself, virgin of course.
Been sober for a while now.
Just shy of a week! I tell you, I've been hearing This song 100 times a day every Day for 22 years.
Love to get a copy to take home With me if we got it on Cassette.
Speaking of rock hard, this is Georgia.
Oh, georgia.
Disinfecting that pole.
Give it a little spritz and not Taking any chances there.
She's been burned once or twice From it.
Literally.
Going to miss georgia.
She taught me how to drive Automatic.
With a bod like that, georgia's Always on my miid.
Give it up for georgia.
That's georgia right there.
Hey, gentlemen, we want to Apologize for the stray dogs in The parking lot.
Looks like one was giving birth, And you could provide it a happy Home and leave your number at The coat check.
We're having a great time here At bongo's.
Grab a slice of hawaiian pizza, Or if you like fish, try some of That brown buttered skate from The steam table.
How's is tasting over theee.
He's happy, one of our regulars.
Didn't know the place was 24 Hours until he told me.
Why don't you keep it going, Gentlemen, for lace.
This is lace, sexy lace.
Whoo! Her brother is in iraq.
An ex-pat now fighting for thh R6 Taliban.
Diff'rent strokes.
They call her lace because she's Shi Thin, white and full of holes.
One is from a bullet.
That's lace.
All right.
Lovelace.
Please pardon our dust while the Champagne room is being Repaired.
We're going to get you some new Carpet in there as required by The health department.
Had a drug bust recently.
Turned into a sword fight.
Who knew kansas city had the Japanese mafia?& These guys know what I'm talking About.
You want to keep it going for The grande dame of the bongo Cloud room.
Give it up for tonya.
Yum, yum, yum.
She's been here since the place Opened in 1970.
She's got the bush to prove it.
She's lived one hell of a life.
Bob dylan punched her out at a Party.
She broke off an engagement with Jack ruby.
She wrote the movie "cocoon.
" There you go.
That's tonya.
Probably going backstage right Now to snort up some boniva.
Well, folks, that's the end of My shift.
You know what that means? It's 3:00 p.
M.
Why don't you give up now for My replacement.
Coming to the stage now is tony.
How are you doing, tony.
beautiful, tony.
let's hear it for tommy.
He's the best.
thanks to foo fighters and The cast and writers and the Mighty loren.
Good night to all, and thank you So much.