Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e20 Episode Script
Tina Fey Ellie Goulding
Next: today the Pentagon released eye tape seized in Sunday's raid in Pakistan, purported to be osama bin laden's last will and testament.
The tape runs about three minutes.
Translator: Allah be praised.
I, osama bin laden, being in present and good health and of sound mind and memory, thanks be to Allah, hereby declare the following to be my last will and testament.
First, as to my funeral arrangements, it is my wish that they be conducted in strict accordance with islamic law.
As pallbearers, I designate my five oldest sons and Dakota fanning.
If Dakota fanning is positively unavailable, my executors may replace her with a Dakota fanning look-alike, although I do ask that they try to get the real Dakota fanning if that is at all possible.
If by the time of my death Dakota fanning is over 12 years of age or is no longer a virgin, my executors are to replace her with her younger sister if she has one.
Although, again, a 12-year-old virgin Dakota fanning is my absolute first choice.
Second, as to my place of burial, I leave the decision to my executors, provided that wherever it is, they do not bury me at sea.
As my family well knows, I have a deathly fear of being eaten by fish, so I'm very serious about this.
Do not bury me at sea.
Third, as executor to this, my last will and testament, I name my dear friends at the Pakistani intelligence services.
They are solid, reliable people and, may I add, among the few individuals a person can still trust in this corrupt, cynical world we live in.
Fourth, as a special bequest to my devoted human shield, fatima, I leave an autographed picture along with the bulletproof vest she always asks about.
Finally, before I discuss the disposition of my worldly estate consisting of cash, stocks, bonds, annuities and certificates of deposit, my heirs need to understand the following points.
First, the size of my personal fortune has always been greatly exaggerated by the media.
Frankly, I have no idea where they get some of their numbers.
Second, bear in mind that my investment portfolio was badly hurt by the market downturn in 2008, plus the subsequent flash crash and is not fully recovered.
In addition, I have incurred a number of major expenses in the last few years, building my compound, paying bodyguards and couriers, training and equipping jihadists, medical expenses, laundry, office supplies, sandals and so on.
So that should be factored in as well.
Also, with 115 children, 750 grandchildren, and 11,000 nieces and nephews, each individual share may not be as large as he or she may have anticipated.
So all that having been said, I hereby leave to my heirs to be divided among them equally, my entire personal estate currently valued at 3,600,000 Pakistani ruppees or $781.
61 U.
S.
Obviously, this is not as much as you or I would have hoped for, but there you have it.
It is what it is.
Also, some of this, I imagine, will go to probate fees.
Now, I know that many of you must be disappointed at the size of the estate, and I suppose that now I'm suddenly some kind of bad person.
Do I wish the estate were larger? Of course.
I wish a lot of things.
I wish we had outdoor air conditioning.
I wish mecca had better restaurants.
I wish camel poop tasted like spicy hummus, but guess what? It doesn't.
So I leave you with this.
Instead of complaining about what we don't have, let's just be thankful for what we do.
Our health, each other and best of all, the knowledge that try as they might, the Americans will never catch me.
Isn't that the most important thing? I hereby declare the above to be my last will and testament, and live from new York, it's Saturday night.
proudly presents Saturday.
Night.
Live s36e20 with Fred armisen Abby elliott bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis kenan Thompson kristen wiig featuring - Vanessa bayer Paul brittain taran killam nasim pedrad Jay pharoah musical guest Ellie goulding and your host, tina fey! Ladies and gentlemen, tina fey! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It is great to be here hosting the mother's day episode of "Saturday night live.
" And I know there is kind of a famous impression I do on the show, and maybe people are wondering if I'm going to do it.
So here it is.
I sure do like them there French fried potatoes.
Okay, I did it.
We can all relax.
This is a really exciting time for me.
I have the number one book in the country.
And the number 86 tv show.
And I don't know if you guys noticed when I came out, but I have been drinking a lot of beer.
And I'm expecting my second child.
Because I am six months pregnant, this should make for some exciting live television.
Be sure to keep your at-home there is an incredibly good chance that I will accidentally break wind at someepoint during tonight's performance.
And it is mother's day, and I am the "snl" family right now.
So please welcome the fabulous Maya Rudolph.
Thanks for having me, tina.
That's what our babies are going to be saying.
You know, I think I speak for Maya when I say we really love being mothers.
And I think I speak for Tina when I say we can't wait to meet our precious new ones.
We have so much to tell them.
Maybe we should start right now.
Sweet little baby tiny little darling I cannot wait to know you I can feel you kick me so happy that you picked me I cannot wait to hold you I look into your eyes and see my little copy the reason that you're here is your parents got real sloppy that's right.
And you are the proof that we've been doing it doing it making super sexy heat your mom and dad have been doing it doing it baby you are the receipt baby you endorse that we've been having intercourse oh baby oh baby baby baby baby I have so many things I want to say to you, baby.
Baby, thank you for my ginormous temporary tatas.
I promise to work them in bikini tops until the moment you are born.
Baby, I'm sorry about that three weeks that I didn't know you were in there.
The little Sushi rose wine and roller coasters never hurt nobody.
Promise me baby that if you're a lady, don't move in with Charlie sheen or whoever is Charlie sheen at that future time.
Probably still Charlie sheen.
That son of a bitch is going to live forever.
Yep.
Baby, when you're coming out, I may call you some names I didn't really mean like uterus hog, damn jerk.
And the only one I meant, pain in the vagina.
Baby, when you gre ow up, dot make the same mistakes I made, specifically getting drunk on rose wine and having unprotected sex on a roller coaster at epcot Japan.
P baby, no matter what I say always know that mama loves you as much as she loves doing it.
Now with the help of science and a sonogram machine, we will do duets with our unborn feti Natalie Cole style.
You're my baby I'm your baby you're my mother I'm your mother when we say that we've been doing it we mean love love Ellie goulding is here! And now a special fox news presentation.
Live at Daniel Webster college in nashua, new Hampshire.
It's the 2012 undeclared candidates debate with your host, shepard Smith.
I'm Shepard Smith.
My voice is both reassuring and deeply unsettling.
Welcome this week's second gop debate.
On thhrsday five official republican candidates squared off in South Carolina.
The debate included Ron Paul, tim pawlenty, rick santorum and I'm going to stop there before I fall asleep.
Why don't we shift from the candidates you don't know much about to candidates you wish you knew less about.
Please welcome former Massachusetts governor mitt romney.
I've been smiling for the last four years, but I haven't been happy once.
Former speaker of the house, newt gingrich.
I love the '90s.
Minnesota congresswoman Michele bachmann.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Current famous person Sarah Palin.
Hi there.
You know, it's just so great to be back on fox news, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time.
And I hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim.
And the Andrew "dice" Clay of the real estate world, donald trump.
The ratings for tonight's debate are going to be huge! As big as last Sunday's "apprentice" where star Jones got so mad she almost popped a staple.
Plus, at the end, we finally killed osama bin laden.
Osama, boom, you're fired.
Finally, he was uninvited but fought his way through security and refuses to leave, former New York gubernatorial candidate and current member of the podiums are too damn expensive party, jimmy mcmillen.
Allow me to reintroduce myself.
My name is Jimmy mcmillen, and I believe with the help of America's voters, I could be this nation's last black president.
We begin with mitt romney.
You ran and lost in 2008.
What make you think you have a chance this time? Peoole say a lot of things about me.
They say I'm rich, disconnected, a dead fish, they say I look like a villain in a lifetime movie.
Look out, meredith baxt Baxter-birney.
Why do they let me talk in newt gingrich, you've never ran for president and I have a feeling you don't want to.
Would you like to duck out early? Yeah, I'd love to.
Bye, newt.
Michele bachmann.
When msnbc wants to scare liberals into caring about elections, they have you on as a guest.
Hhw can you win over the independent voters? Shepard, I'm hoping to establish a fatal attraction situation with America.
First I'll come off as intense and even a little bit sexy.
Over time the intensity will become overwhelming and you'll begin to fear what I will do if you make me angry.
A crazy woman untethered can be a dangerous thing.
Cars get keyed, on your doorstep.
You'll decide it's safer to marry me so you can keep an eye on me.
America, I challenge you to a staring contest.
And it begins now.
Well, mark me down as scared and horny.
Sarah Palin, many thought you needed to bone up on policy to be a serious candidate in 2012.
Instead you seem to have done the opposite, focusing on reality television and Twitter.
What, if anything, new do you have to offer the American people? Well, first, I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world's great villains, Ann I, foo one, am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric.
As for boning up on experience and policy, I'm planning a trip to the middle east where I will be flipping a cameo in "hangover 3," the third "hangover.
" The fellows go to a bar, and I'm there.
I also recently purchased rosetta stone English.
But the important thing for people to know is that I'm going to be running for president every four years for the rest of my life.
It's my Olympics, and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers.
Donald trump.
Go.
You're welcome.
You know, there's a great American movie called "citizen Kane.
" It's about a man who kicks ass and makes a ton of money.
I haven't seen the ending of this movie, but I assume it ends with him happy and president.
I want to be your citizen trump.
And if you criticize me, just remember, I'm rubber and you're gold.
So whatever you say doesn't you're losers.
Except you.
Sarah Palin, I like you.
If you want to be my vice president, all you have to do is sell more chili than nene atlant leakes over the course of a hot summer day in Times Square.
To conclude, this is a great time for this nation's greatest man, me.
"The celebrity apprentice" Sundays at 9:00 P.
M.
only on nbc.
Bing, bong, bbom.
You're fired.
I'm hired.
As president, you're fired.
"The apprentice.
" And finally, jimmy mcmillan.
Well, first, I want to address those in the birther movement who claim I was born a Billy goat.
Your suspicions are confirmed.
Part "c," I have recently received intelligence that osama bin laden is hiding in the ocean.
I will not rest until I find him.
So this mother's day, vote for me, the black lorax.
Now, let this debate begin! That concludes tooighh's debate.
And in closing, I'd like to congratulate Barack Obama on his re-election.
I'm Shepard Smith.
And I'm a silly little catfish.
Good night.
May oh, crabby, the human world is so amazing.
Wwen I went up there, I saw people dancing and seahorse-less carriages and I even found a watchamadoodle.
Princess, look around you.
You have everything you need right here at the bottom of the ocean.
I don't know, crabby.
Trust me, girl.
The human world is a mess.
But down here, it's paradise.
What do you mean, crabby? Well, I'll tell you what I mean.
Below the waves below the waves we're always gabbing below the waves take it princess everyone's happy and relaxed we got a seahorse on the sax look at that manta he's drinking fanta below the waves you know what, crabby? You're right.
The bottom of the ocean is the perfect place to be.
That's the spirit, princess.
All of the dolphins play keyboard and the shrimp - what is on me? Can somebody tell me what's on me, please? It's some sort of body wrapped in a - what's that word again? Shroud oh, my God! It's osama bin laden! They threw bin laden's body in the ocean.
Get him off of me.
Wow, he's really dead.
This is a lot to process.
I don't even know how to react.
I know how to react.
Usa! Usa! Guys, I find that really distasteful.
But we got him! You didn't do anything.
And you're drunk.
I'm drunk because I'm celebrating.
And you're using this as an excuse.
To get drunker.
Yeah, you got me.
Can we talk about this after you get him off me? Please? I mean, this guy caused 9/11.
Did he? Shut up.
No one wants to hear your conspiracy theories, manta.
I have had it with these humans.
They throw down their garbage, their oil spills and their cruise ships use our home as a toilet.
So do we.
I'm going right now.
Besides, crabby, they probably couldn't bury him on land because his supporters would turn his grave into a shrine.
So? Good.
Bury him, and then when anyone shows up, arrest them.
Or just bury him at gitmo.
I'm here to see osama bin laden's grave.
Oh, here he is right over here.
Welcome to jail.
Crabby, calm down.
You're turning all red.
I'm red because I'm a crab.
Now, get Obama off of me.
I mean osama.
I keep doing that.
Just one letter.
Pretty weird, right? Shut up.
Look, crabby, the current is taking his body away.
We'll never have to see himm again.
If it was even him.
Below the waves below the waves we always jamming down with the salmon below the waves digital short an guys, michael Bolton is here.
- Oh, great.
Send him in.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, thanks for coming.
- Really sorry I'm late.
I just got caught up watching "the pirates oo the Caribbean" marathon.
- Have you seen those things? - Oh yeah.
- Yeah, those are great.
Well, I listened to your track and I loved it.
And I wrote you this big, sexy hook I think you're going to really dig.
Wow, that's great.
You want to just lay it down? Boys.
Let's get to it.
Here we go lonely island Michael Bolton together on the track the boys are back the night starts now starts now baby roll with us she'll be snapping at the neck when we rolling up rolling up ain't no holding up black car at the bar like I give a - give me eyes when we walk into the set brothers getting jealous they about to get wrecked sound on my waste shank in my sock you either get cut or get shot this is the tale of captain Jack sparrow pirates rave on seven seas - what.
- To the isle of tortuga raving like slaves on the ocean breeze yeah that was kind of weird but we're back in the club buying up the bar with the movie showing club people like me I'm the top gunner keep it on blast I'm the number one stunner Jack sparrow touch it girl because I'm not your mister nice guy more like the mister take you home and do ou twice guy all dressed up with nowhere to run - and I'll make you feel crazy.
- Now back to the good part since he was born he yearned for adventure old captain Jack the man was strong the sorcerer of the surf the Jester of tortuga Davy Jones locker - what lies in store.
- I've seen the movie put your hands in the air and say hell yeah come on captain Jack what Johnny depp no hustle back saying we count that come on Davy Jones giant squid Michael Bolton we're really going to need you to focus up Roger that let me try with another film wait life is a box of chocolates - and my name is ffrrest gump.
- Not better I'm not the sharpest tool.
- I gave Jenny all my love.
- Come on I came in as a legal aide Erin brockovich is my name - oh God.
- You can call me sccrface snorting mountains of cocaine you cockroaches want to play rough? Okay I'm reloaded this is the tale of Tony Montana a Cuban of fame with a Miami love this small town just waiting you complete me ladies and gentlemen, ellie goulding.
I had a way then losing it all on my own I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown and I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat and I'm not keeping now the strength I need you show the lights ttat stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone and so I tell myself that I'll be strong and dreaming when they're gone 'cause they're calling calling, calling me home calling, calling, calling home you show the lights that stop me turn to stonn you shine it when I'm alone I play within my head touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing and I think back to when my brother and my sister slept in an unlocked place the only time I feel safe you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone and so I tell myself that I'll be strong and dreaming when they're gone 'cause they're calling calling, calling me home calling, calling, calling home you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone light, lights, lights, lights light, lights, lights you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone aad so I tell myself that I'll be strong and dreaming when they're gone 'cause they're calling calling, calling me home calling, calling calling home you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone lights, lights, lights, lights lights, lights, lights weekend update "weekend update" with good evening, I'm Seth meyers, and here are tonight's top stories.
Dead Not armed well, somewhere high above us, there's 72 super bummed-out virgins.
The white house on Tuesday revealed that osama bin laden was not armed when Navy s.
E.
A.
L.
S found him, but they say he did resist them.
Hey, white house, armed, unarmed, not resisting, holding a bunny, we're totally cool with you shooting bin laden.
So, I'm guessing this week everybody looked like a Navy s.
E.
A.
L.
To moammar gadhafi.
Muammar qaddafi dude, do not sneak up on me like that! Al al qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of osama bin laden.
They also announced that as a result, monday will be a half day.
Conspiracy in the wake of president Obama's decision to not release pictures of osama bin laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin laden is not really dead which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever o have to prove that he killed someone.
First one.
Approval in the wake of the killing of osama bin laden, president Obama's approval rating jumped to 56%, his highest in two years, which shows that there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44%.
Week's big story, please welcome the devil.
Hi, the devil.
You don't seem like your usual, upbeat self.
Didn't you hear, we got bin laden? Yeah.
Yeah, you got bin laden.
You know what that means, right? Now I got bin laden.
So? You know how it's my job to could ever imagine? All right? He was already living in a walled-in compound with 9 wives and 23 kids.
Usually when people come to hell, the first thing I do is give them four wives and seven kids.
But 9 and 23? Ooh, my goodness, no! Alllright? And a place where he was, you know, staying in had no Internet, okay? No Internet at all.
I mean, even in hell we have dial-up.
I may be the devil, but I'm not a monster.
- I don't want to tell you how to do your job.
- Then don't.
Why not just hit him with some fire and brimstone? Yeah, you know what they call fire and brimstone in Pakistan, seth? August.
This is a tough one, man.
Look, you're the devil.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
Thanks, bro.
It's so rare for people to be so encouraging to me.
I kind of consider you a friend.
- Oh, don't.
- No, I do.
I do.
It's already done.
Any-hell I just don't like, you know, the guy being there, okay? He gives everyone the willies.
The other day I heard Jeffrey dahmer say "not in my backyard.
" And I do not like the fact that bin laden calls America the & sorry.
Copyright and trrdemark since, I don't know, the beginning of time.
Okay? Yo soy el diablo, comprendo? Major balls on that dude.
Major balls.
And guess this.
The very first day, walks right up to me and goes, okay.
Where's my 72 virgins? Bro, this is hell.
It's not exactly crawling with virgins.
You take what you gets around here.
I'm sorry to hear it's not going well.
- There's not even a word for this.
- What do you mean? This is awkward, but we can't find him.
- You lost him? - No, no.
No We lost track of him temporarily.
I'm certain of it.
I'm sure he'll pop up.
And hey, if you're osama, you know, I will find you.
You think he's watching? You have tv in hell? Just nbc.
Whatever happened to "outsource"? I loved that show.
It was a riot.
So what else is going on with you? Me? Well, it's New York City.
So I've got to go sit on some shoulders down in the financial district.
in queens, I've got to make a cameo in some meth addict's hallucination.
Teaching a seminar to the Pakistani intelligence agency called see something, don't say something.
Then, of course, tomorrow I've got to take my mom out to brunch.
Speaking of hell.
- That's nice.
Who's your mom? - The snapple lady.
- She seems so nicee.
- Yeah, she is.
No, she's super disappointed in mol.
- The devil, everybody.
- Boy rescued a teenage boy in Alaska was arrested by police when he started riding a chunk of ice down a river.
New history channel reality show "ice chunk dummies.
" It was announced Monday that the black eyed peas will hold a free concert this summer.
A free Black Eyed Peas concert, that's just too true to be good.
Icechunk dummies Free cincert Oldest newlyweds a 100-year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend.
I don't know, dude.
Onn woman for the rest of your life? This Wednesday, may 4th, was "star wars" day as in may the 4th be with you.
Yeah, I get it.
Just fix my e-mail and get out of my office.
P while people around the world are rejoicing over the demise of osama bin laden, several anti-American leaders still remain in power such as Libya's moammar gadhafi who many considdr to be a serious threat.
Here to defend him are gadhafi's two best friends from growing up.
Gaddafi's two best friends from growing up hi, seth.
Thank you.
Moammar gadhafi is one of the hate hatest, most ruthless duck tat r dictators in the world.
we're happy for him.
lf he's successful, it's the best in the world.
It's just kind of weird, like he's very, like - - obsessed.
Like just talks about himself.
- Himself.
Talks about people he hates.
We, like, go to lunch.
And, like, okay, I'll be talking about my career.
I'm sorry, your what? My career.
And I'm, like, oh.
I'm doing really well.
He's really sweet and o cf1 o everything.
And he'll just, like, turn and he'll be, like, I just fired d l my generals.
Guys, I'm sorry, I can't really hear you guys.
- Are you saying you don't like him? - No.
- we'd do anything for him.
- He's totally like myybuddy.
It's just that when he gets that way, that's not really how friendship works.
That's not friendship.
We're all sitting around laughing.
The waiter comes around.
So oh, somebody's going to skip dessert.
We're all good.
Don't do that.
Like a joke.
- It hurts my feelings.
- Okay, guys.
- You know you're on tv, right? - No, no, no.
- His our friend and he's smart.
- He's under a lot of pressure.
We get it.
And then he just laughed and was, like, you guys are going to go straight to the press and make me look likeea maniac.
why? Don't do that.
Okay.
You know, I'm sorry.
Okay.
I really can't hear you at all, but it sounds like being best friends with gadhafi can be challenging.
It's kind of like your relationship with Tina.
It's not anything like that.
I love Tina.
I will say - Seth meyers, eeerybody.
Gadhafi's best friends from growing up.
Cdc heat cold cuts in order to reduce the risk of listeria bacteria, the centers for disease control has been warning to people over the age of 50 to heat cold uts or as they will now be known, cuts.
Sex study a new study finds that the average college-age man thinks about sex 18 times a day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I left out the ord "bazillion.
" 18 bazillion times a day.
This week children more than 1,700 schools in north America sang the song.
"I want to play" at the same time while simultaneously in China, over 1 billion kids were doing math.
Group sing tomorrow's mother's day, and thousands of new yorkers will be taking their moms out for a big day in the big apple.
Here with some tips on where to celebrate your mom's special day is our city correspondent, stefan.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Stefan, how you been? - The same.
- Yeah.
Crazy about bin laden, huh? - I know.
That guy's hilarious.
Okay, stefan.
A lot of people are taking their moms out on the town tomorrow.
Any tips on where they can go to have a fun-filled mother's day? Yes.
If you want your mom to have a ddy filled with fun, look no further.
New York's hottest club is ugh! Located in the middle of the West Side highway.
It's created by club owner baloney danza.
This place has everything, split kicks, pachucos, pile after pile of expired lunchables.
A Hawaiian cleaning lady that looks like smoky Robinson.
And look who just walked in.
Is that Natalie Portman? No, it's an old Irish black man that we call Murphy brown.
Plus, if you come this Sunday, you'll meet 2-year-old ultimate fighter drooly lips Jackson.
He's got fists like emppnadas, and he is my best friend.
- We'll get to meet him if we come this Sunday? - - bad job.
- Why? Stefan, when I said a place to take your mom, I was looking for somewhere more wholesome.
You know, a lot of people's moms are a little older and want to go somewhere nice and relaxing.
- thaa? - Yes, yes, yes, yes.
If you're looking to relax with an old lady, look no further.
New York's hottest club is sparky! - Spicey? - Spicy.
Opens in 2017 on the upper east side of a dumpster.
This 24-hour bitch fest is the creation of club owner rabbi Jew diamond Phillips.
This place has everything.
Sand worms, geishas, rock eaters, a seven-level course in adult education.
And it you want to relax, you can kick back in your very own subway sleeping bag.
What is a subway sleeping bag? It's that thing when you're on the train and you sit between two guys in fubu jackets.
Name one mother that would like that.
My mom.
Miss Stefan.
Oh really? What's your dad's name? Mr.
Steean? No, it's David bowie.
- Stefan, look.
- Oh, I'm looking.
I'm asking for your help here.
I'm going over to my mother's tomorrow.
- Don't you think it's time we met? - And I'm taking my girlfriend.
I want my mom to have a great I mean, - this woman raised me and changed my diapers.
- Lucky lady.
And I want to thank her for doing the toughest job in the world, being a mom.
That was beautiful.
And I think I can help.
If you want to say thank you to your mom, - take her to central park.
- This I like.
And bond while flying a human kite.
- What's a human kite? - It's that thing where you tie a string to a midget and a windbreaker and then you run through a field.
Stefan! What did I do? I'm helping you learn.
Are you going to take your mom to fly a human kite for mother's day? Miss Stefan's out of town.
I'm all alone on mother's day.
I had no idea.
Even though you didn't help tonight at all, no young club kid should be alone on mother's day.
Why don't ou come with me and meet my mom.
- Sleepover! - Stefan, eveeybody.
- Hi, mom.
- okay, guys.
Over the last few weeks we've talked about epidurals and other pain management options.
But how many of you are planning a natural birth? I really want to do nattral childbirth, but my husband keeps fighting me on it.
Hey, as long as they still give me drugs for it, I'll be fine.
Well, people all over the world choose natural childdirth, and it can actually be quite beautiful.
Hopefully this tape will encourage everyone to give it a try.
- What kind of tapeeis thht? - It's a vhm tape.
It's like a vhs tape, but they only use it in French-speaking Canada and Portland.
Victor and leilani are expecting their first child.
Leilani and Victor have chosen to have a natural childbirth here in the yurt with the insurance monee they have received from their previous yurt fire.
Victor coaches leilani through sounds that will help her relax and open herself.
- See how calm that guy is? - Of course he's calm.
He just heard on the radio that the Vietnam war was over.
Instead of using narcotics, leilani releases her pain through focused breath into her partner's mouth.
Oh, my God, there's so much curry breath being exchanged right now.
that is the dirtiest thing I've ever seen.
And I'm talking about bottoms of her feet.
When leilani feels ready for the ecstasy of pushing, victor removes her tunic.
Hey oh.
Laboosh.
Is that her, or does she have a standard poodle in her lap.
Freed from the constraints of a hospital bed, the couch allows leilani to experiment with what birthing position is most comfortable for her.
She can try any position she wants.
That baby's not coming out without a weed whacker.
Having children in the room is a comfort to leilani and to remind her of the beautiful new life about to rip her perineum.
Why are they making their children watch this? No, wait.
They said this was their first child.
Whose children are those? Oh, my God, they're in Halloween costumes.
That is some murky business.
As the fields of poppies blooms almost all at once, leilani's birthing calls catch the ear of another woman in the area who is ripened with child.
There were less people than that at our last garage sale.
These two moon sisters in complete synchronicity with nature and their bodies assume a position where they can deliver each other's child.
Did the devil make this movie? - Does this play on a flat-screen in the lobby of hell?- Well, well, well, hang on.
This part isn't so bad.
they call in response.
No, never mind.
Still terrible.
Ew, they're looking right at us! With one final yet gentle push and a mutually quiet and shameless bowel movement, leilani and endicott bring two healthy boyssinto the world.
Victor and jazurus are joyful beyond words.
Wait what, are those iPhones? When was this made? I recorded this last week.
This next section, they cook the placenta in a wok.
No! No! Hi, bedelia.
You want to play truth or dare? We're going to dare Danielle to put a picture of her boobs on Facebook.
No thanks.
My mom should be here any second.
- You're going home already? - No, she's coming over to chill.
I figured the sleepover could use a strong female role model.
Um, okay.
Bedelia, honey.
Is everything okay? Oh, hey, mom.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
Why did you have me come back here? Let's just say in a reverse Elvis, I was looking for a little less action and a little more conversation.
So what's shaking, bacon? Honey, I've got to go.
I feel weird here.
Mom, come on.
Let's hang out.
Bedelia, this is a sleepover.
It's a big bonding time for you kids.
- Isn't your best friend here? - Yeah, dumb ass, I'm looking at her.
Hey, turn to the side.
And she's gone.
Seriously, mom, gain some weight.
That's very sweet.
Hey, look, these kids seem like they're having a good time.
- Why don't you go say hi.
- No way.
Stacy's little brother's over there.
I don't want him putting thee moves on me.
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about Tristan.
He's very gentle.
Go talk to them.
Okay, cutie.
Miss me.
Hey, guys.
You buzzing about my mom? Um, no.
Why did you invite your mom? Wow! Where to begin.
She drinks light tea.
She's met Dan rather.
She knows how to clean silk.
Should I keep going? No, we're good.
You guys ever heard of France? She's got a coffee table book about it.
We don't want to talk about your mom, bedelia.
We're playing truth or dare.
Okay.
I dare you to find a woman who strikes a better balance between work and family.
- Are you talking about your mom again? - You get it.
She gets it.
Bye.
Ouch! Turn your hair down.
- What? - Seriously, mom.
It's got mad volume.
So are you nearing menopause? - Bedelia, we're not talking about that.
- Okay.
Hey, flash me those caps.
- Oh, honey.
- Come on.
Whoomp there it is.
Know thy self mom, you're a milf.
- Excuse me? - Mom I'd like to friend.
Oh, look.
A couple of boys from your class just sneaked in through the basement window.
Wow, so much of the effectiveness of that psloman shield sign out front.
- Just go say hi.
- Okay.
Bye, sexy.
Never have I ever made out with Trisha fagan.
- You did, too? - I'm so horny.
This is the bomb! Hey, guys.
Better keep it pg.
My mom's got her binocs on us.
- You brought yoor mom to this? - Oh, yeah.
She's the best.
She reuses ziploc bags.
She dry shaves.
I'm, like, sign me up.
Stop talking about your mom.
We don't care.
Okay.
Well, if you change your mind, mom's over there.
She took a class about web design.
- - Your loss.
Bye.
Whoa, someone's face doesn't need a dictionary.
- What? - Seriously, mom, your cheekbones are defined.
All right, bedelia, I think we need to spend more time apart.
Wait.
What are you saying? I love you, but you shouldn't want to hang out with me so much.
What are you talking about? You're so cool.
I'm not cool.
I bought this coat at sears.
It's a great fit at a sensible rice.
Honey, I take calcium pills.
Yeah and your kkck-ass bone density reflects that.
Bedelia, I'm going home.
If you leave me, I have nobody.
That's not true, sweetheart.
If you just let these kids get to see what I see, a beautiful person.
- Hey, guss.
- Hi.
Can I get a ride with you? I'd rather go home and play pyahtzee with my mom.
She's one in a million.
She's like - she's one of those ladies who's got the legs of Cheryl tiegs and the easy charm of Craig ferguson.
Mine too! Hey, mom, can I go upstairs and close mouth kiss this guy? Yes, please.
Nothing would make me happier.
Hey, does your mom like jazz cd's at Starbucks? You kids hiding beer down here? I know you are I need one once again, ellie goulding it's a little bit funny this feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide I don't have much money but boy if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live so excuse me forgetting but these things I do see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue anyway the thing is what I really mean yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen this is your song it may be quite simple but now that is done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world if I was a sculptor but then again no or girl who makes potions in a travelling show I know it's not much but it's the best I can do my gift is my song and this one's for you and you can tell everybody this is your song it may be quite simple buu now that is done I hope you don't mmnd I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world this week on "bravo," it's an all-new "pregnant in heels.
" Hi, I'm Rosie pope.
I provide my clients with anything they want, no matter how extreme.
And she's got her work cut out for her with millionaire mommy-to-be shoshanna bunt.
I love being pregnant.
I've already lost 35 pounds.
- Watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.
- I'm sorry, what's wrong with your voice? I was born in england, then moved to America.
And every morning 1,000 bees sting my tongue.
- And lots of demands.
- Rosie, when my baby is born, I want to make sure the delivery room is total vips.
- No fatties.
- Perfect.
- - Perfect.
- - Perfect.
and I want to have a water birth, but instead of water, I want diet coke.
And we have this guy.
I am not so much a person as I am a collection of choices.
I just found out that babies are born naked, which is disgusting.
I'm way ahead of you.
Prop your legs up and I'll get this outfit to the baby.
Don't worry, it's just like building a ship in a bottle.
Plus, we'll pad the boring moments with signature bravo music.
And cut to a dog.
Perfect.
Rosie's the best.
She even got a celebrity to make a personal appearance in my ultrasound.
Rosie's even there on the big day.
It's a boy.
Don't cut the cord.
I might want to return it.
- Thanks r, rosie! - I did not help at all.
only on bravo.
Right after an all-new "loud old bitches" and "America's next dumb gay guy.
" How you doing? Prom is come being up.
Who you going to go with? A parent? Don't restrict yourself.
I want you to look dateable.
Doogie, don't proms cost an arm and a leg or more? Good point.
That's why you need to come to my slightly damaged prom wear barn.
Googie rene's I love the color of this dress.
Well, you should.
It's alive with color.
But I don't love all the grass stains in the butt area.
Well, that's because the previous owner had to scoot home through a field.
I went to prom once and they closed the beachers on me.
what do I do about the stains? Well, just always be backing up and laughing like you just heard a joke that was too much it's not rocket problems.
Thanks, doogie.
Great idea.
Look at this, doogie.
What are you? I'm at the accessooy wall.
Don't go places without telling me first.
at doogie renees, you'll find a cummerbund.
what is that? no - - It was originally used to catch crumbs.
Like a small bird underneath a icnic table.
- - You taught me something today.
- hey, doogie.
- Hang on.
I'm coming.
I'm totally down with this mad-ass tux, but what are all these brown ones.
- - If we can't fix your stain, we'll give you an autograph of Julie chen to hold in front of it.
- Now I'm ready for my first kiss from a girl.
- I am, too.
Are you on drugs? Stty on part.
Listen to this satisfied woman.
Doogie Renee, I have been invited to prom by my oldest friend's son.
This is an opportunity I could not pass up.
When I arrived, people pointed.
I knew I had done something wrong.
I paid doogie $5 for this prom dress, and people thought I paid twice that.
sorry thank you for the wonderful clearance.
It sounds like you are the shia.
This is about savings.
It's mother's day.
And there's no better way to express your feelings than hallmark.
Because every mother is special.
But your mother is most special of all.
Because of you in a dress.
Introducing the hallmark mother collection.
For weirdos.
Because you're not just a good son.
You're also a wonderful mother.
So show yourself you care.
Because your mother will never leave you as long as you keep dressing like her and talking like her and being a good boy.
Because you're crazy about mother.
The hallmaak mother collection.
thanks to Ellie goulding, maya Rudolph.
Everyone have a great happy moth mother's day.
Be nice to your mother tomorrow.
proudly presents Saturday night liveseason 36 episode20
The tape runs about three minutes.
Translator: Allah be praised.
I, osama bin laden, being in present and good health and of sound mind and memory, thanks be to Allah, hereby declare the following to be my last will and testament.
First, as to my funeral arrangements, it is my wish that they be conducted in strict accordance with islamic law.
As pallbearers, I designate my five oldest sons and Dakota fanning.
If Dakota fanning is positively unavailable, my executors may replace her with a Dakota fanning look-alike, although I do ask that they try to get the real Dakota fanning if that is at all possible.
If by the time of my death Dakota fanning is over 12 years of age or is no longer a virgin, my executors are to replace her with her younger sister if she has one.
Although, again, a 12-year-old virgin Dakota fanning is my absolute first choice.
Second, as to my place of burial, I leave the decision to my executors, provided that wherever it is, they do not bury me at sea.
As my family well knows, I have a deathly fear of being eaten by fish, so I'm very serious about this.
Do not bury me at sea.
Third, as executor to this, my last will and testament, I name my dear friends at the Pakistani intelligence services.
They are solid, reliable people and, may I add, among the few individuals a person can still trust in this corrupt, cynical world we live in.
Fourth, as a special bequest to my devoted human shield, fatima, I leave an autographed picture along with the bulletproof vest she always asks about.
Finally, before I discuss the disposition of my worldly estate consisting of cash, stocks, bonds, annuities and certificates of deposit, my heirs need to understand the following points.
First, the size of my personal fortune has always been greatly exaggerated by the media.
Frankly, I have no idea where they get some of their numbers.
Second, bear in mind that my investment portfolio was badly hurt by the market downturn in 2008, plus the subsequent flash crash and is not fully recovered.
In addition, I have incurred a number of major expenses in the last few years, building my compound, paying bodyguards and couriers, training and equipping jihadists, medical expenses, laundry, office supplies, sandals and so on.
So that should be factored in as well.
Also, with 115 children, 750 grandchildren, and 11,000 nieces and nephews, each individual share may not be as large as he or she may have anticipated.
So all that having been said, I hereby leave to my heirs to be divided among them equally, my entire personal estate currently valued at 3,600,000 Pakistani ruppees or $781.
61 U.
S.
Obviously, this is not as much as you or I would have hoped for, but there you have it.
It is what it is.
Also, some of this, I imagine, will go to probate fees.
Now, I know that many of you must be disappointed at the size of the estate, and I suppose that now I'm suddenly some kind of bad person.
Do I wish the estate were larger? Of course.
I wish a lot of things.
I wish we had outdoor air conditioning.
I wish mecca had better restaurants.
I wish camel poop tasted like spicy hummus, but guess what? It doesn't.
So I leave you with this.
Instead of complaining about what we don't have, let's just be thankful for what we do.
Our health, each other and best of all, the knowledge that try as they might, the Americans will never catch me.
Isn't that the most important thing? I hereby declare the above to be my last will and testament, and live from new York, it's Saturday night.
proudly presents Saturday.
Night.
Live s36e20 with Fred armisen Abby elliott bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis kenan Thompson kristen wiig featuring - Vanessa bayer Paul brittain taran killam nasim pedrad Jay pharoah musical guest Ellie goulding and your host, tina fey! Ladies and gentlemen, tina fey! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It is great to be here hosting the mother's day episode of "Saturday night live.
" And I know there is kind of a famous impression I do on the show, and maybe people are wondering if I'm going to do it.
So here it is.
I sure do like them there French fried potatoes.
Okay, I did it.
We can all relax.
This is a really exciting time for me.
I have the number one book in the country.
And the number 86 tv show.
And I don't know if you guys noticed when I came out, but I have been drinking a lot of beer.
And I'm expecting my second child.
Because I am six months pregnant, this should make for some exciting live television.
Be sure to keep your at-home there is an incredibly good chance that I will accidentally break wind at someepoint during tonight's performance.
And it is mother's day, and I am the "snl" family right now.
So please welcome the fabulous Maya Rudolph.
Thanks for having me, tina.
That's what our babies are going to be saying.
You know, I think I speak for Maya when I say we really love being mothers.
And I think I speak for Tina when I say we can't wait to meet our precious new ones.
We have so much to tell them.
Maybe we should start right now.
Sweet little baby tiny little darling I cannot wait to know you I can feel you kick me so happy that you picked me I cannot wait to hold you I look into your eyes and see my little copy the reason that you're here is your parents got real sloppy that's right.
And you are the proof that we've been doing it doing it making super sexy heat your mom and dad have been doing it doing it baby you are the receipt baby you endorse that we've been having intercourse oh baby oh baby baby baby baby I have so many things I want to say to you, baby.
Baby, thank you for my ginormous temporary tatas.
I promise to work them in bikini tops until the moment you are born.
Baby, I'm sorry about that three weeks that I didn't know you were in there.
The little Sushi rose wine and roller coasters never hurt nobody.
Promise me baby that if you're a lady, don't move in with Charlie sheen or whoever is Charlie sheen at that future time.
Probably still Charlie sheen.
That son of a bitch is going to live forever.
Yep.
Baby, when you're coming out, I may call you some names I didn't really mean like uterus hog, damn jerk.
And the only one I meant, pain in the vagina.
Baby, when you gre ow up, dot make the same mistakes I made, specifically getting drunk on rose wine and having unprotected sex on a roller coaster at epcot Japan.
P baby, no matter what I say always know that mama loves you as much as she loves doing it.
Now with the help of science and a sonogram machine, we will do duets with our unborn feti Natalie Cole style.
You're my baby I'm your baby you're my mother I'm your mother when we say that we've been doing it we mean love love Ellie goulding is here! And now a special fox news presentation.
Live at Daniel Webster college in nashua, new Hampshire.
It's the 2012 undeclared candidates debate with your host, shepard Smith.
I'm Shepard Smith.
My voice is both reassuring and deeply unsettling.
Welcome this week's second gop debate.
On thhrsday five official republican candidates squared off in South Carolina.
The debate included Ron Paul, tim pawlenty, rick santorum and I'm going to stop there before I fall asleep.
Why don't we shift from the candidates you don't know much about to candidates you wish you knew less about.
Please welcome former Massachusetts governor mitt romney.
I've been smiling for the last four years, but I haven't been happy once.
Former speaker of the house, newt gingrich.
I love the '90s.
Minnesota congresswoman Michele bachmann.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Current famous person Sarah Palin.
Hi there.
You know, it's just so great to be back on fox news, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time.
And I hope that tonight the lamestream media won't twist my words by repeating them verbatim.
And the Andrew "dice" Clay of the real estate world, donald trump.
The ratings for tonight's debate are going to be huge! As big as last Sunday's "apprentice" where star Jones got so mad she almost popped a staple.
Plus, at the end, we finally killed osama bin laden.
Osama, boom, you're fired.
Finally, he was uninvited but fought his way through security and refuses to leave, former New York gubernatorial candidate and current member of the podiums are too damn expensive party, jimmy mcmillen.
Allow me to reintroduce myself.
My name is Jimmy mcmillen, and I believe with the help of America's voters, I could be this nation's last black president.
We begin with mitt romney.
You ran and lost in 2008.
What make you think you have a chance this time? Peoole say a lot of things about me.
They say I'm rich, disconnected, a dead fish, they say I look like a villain in a lifetime movie.
Look out, meredith baxt Baxter-birney.
Why do they let me talk in newt gingrich, you've never ran for president and I have a feeling you don't want to.
Would you like to duck out early? Yeah, I'd love to.
Bye, newt.
Michele bachmann.
When msnbc wants to scare liberals into caring about elections, they have you on as a guest.
Hhw can you win over the independent voters? Shepard, I'm hoping to establish a fatal attraction situation with America.
First I'll come off as intense and even a little bit sexy.
Over time the intensity will become overwhelming and you'll begin to fear what I will do if you make me angry.
A crazy woman untethered can be a dangerous thing.
Cars get keyed, on your doorstep.
You'll decide it's safer to marry me so you can keep an eye on me.
America, I challenge you to a staring contest.
And it begins now.
Well, mark me down as scared and horny.
Sarah Palin, many thought you needed to bone up on policy to be a serious candidate in 2012.
Instead you seem to have done the opposite, focusing on reality television and Twitter.
What, if anything, new do you have to offer the American people? Well, first, I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world's great villains, Ann I, foo one, am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric.
As for boning up on experience and policy, I'm planning a trip to the middle east where I will be flipping a cameo in "hangover 3," the third "hangover.
" The fellows go to a bar, and I'm there.
I also recently purchased rosetta stone English.
But the important thing for people to know is that I'm going to be running for president every four years for the rest of my life.
It's my Olympics, and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers.
Donald trump.
Go.
You're welcome.
You know, there's a great American movie called "citizen Kane.
" It's about a man who kicks ass and makes a ton of money.
I haven't seen the ending of this movie, but I assume it ends with him happy and president.
I want to be your citizen trump.
And if you criticize me, just remember, I'm rubber and you're gold.
So whatever you say doesn't you're losers.
Except you.
Sarah Palin, I like you.
If you want to be my vice president, all you have to do is sell more chili than nene atlant leakes over the course of a hot summer day in Times Square.
To conclude, this is a great time for this nation's greatest man, me.
"The celebrity apprentice" Sundays at 9:00 P.
M.
only on nbc.
Bing, bong, bbom.
You're fired.
I'm hired.
As president, you're fired.
"The apprentice.
" And finally, jimmy mcmillan.
Well, first, I want to address those in the birther movement who claim I was born a Billy goat.
Your suspicions are confirmed.
Part "c," I have recently received intelligence that osama bin laden is hiding in the ocean.
I will not rest until I find him.
So this mother's day, vote for me, the black lorax.
Now, let this debate begin! That concludes tooighh's debate.
And in closing, I'd like to congratulate Barack Obama on his re-election.
I'm Shepard Smith.
And I'm a silly little catfish.
Good night.
May oh, crabby, the human world is so amazing.
Wwen I went up there, I saw people dancing and seahorse-less carriages and I even found a watchamadoodle.
Princess, look around you.
You have everything you need right here at the bottom of the ocean.
I don't know, crabby.
Trust me, girl.
The human world is a mess.
But down here, it's paradise.
What do you mean, crabby? Well, I'll tell you what I mean.
Below the waves below the waves we're always gabbing below the waves take it princess everyone's happy and relaxed we got a seahorse on the sax look at that manta he's drinking fanta below the waves you know what, crabby? You're right.
The bottom of the ocean is the perfect place to be.
That's the spirit, princess.
All of the dolphins play keyboard and the shrimp - what is on me? Can somebody tell me what's on me, please? It's some sort of body wrapped in a - what's that word again? Shroud oh, my God! It's osama bin laden! They threw bin laden's body in the ocean.
Get him off of me.
Wow, he's really dead.
This is a lot to process.
I don't even know how to react.
I know how to react.
Usa! Usa! Guys, I find that really distasteful.
But we got him! You didn't do anything.
And you're drunk.
I'm drunk because I'm celebrating.
And you're using this as an excuse.
To get drunker.
Yeah, you got me.
Can we talk about this after you get him off me? Please? I mean, this guy caused 9/11.
Did he? Shut up.
No one wants to hear your conspiracy theories, manta.
I have had it with these humans.
They throw down their garbage, their oil spills and their cruise ships use our home as a toilet.
So do we.
I'm going right now.
Besides, crabby, they probably couldn't bury him on land because his supporters would turn his grave into a shrine.
So? Good.
Bury him, and then when anyone shows up, arrest them.
Or just bury him at gitmo.
I'm here to see osama bin laden's grave.
Oh, here he is right over here.
Welcome to jail.
Crabby, calm down.
You're turning all red.
I'm red because I'm a crab.
Now, get Obama off of me.
I mean osama.
I keep doing that.
Just one letter.
Pretty weird, right? Shut up.
Look, crabby, the current is taking his body away.
We'll never have to see himm again.
If it was even him.
Below the waves below the waves we always jamming down with the salmon below the waves digital short an guys, michael Bolton is here.
- Oh, great.
Send him in.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, thanks for coming.
- Really sorry I'm late.
I just got caught up watching "the pirates oo the Caribbean" marathon.
- Have you seen those things? - Oh yeah.
- Yeah, those are great.
Well, I listened to your track and I loved it.
And I wrote you this big, sexy hook I think you're going to really dig.
Wow, that's great.
You want to just lay it down? Boys.
Let's get to it.
Here we go lonely island Michael Bolton together on the track the boys are back the night starts now starts now baby roll with us she'll be snapping at the neck when we rolling up rolling up ain't no holding up black car at the bar like I give a - give me eyes when we walk into the set brothers getting jealous they about to get wrecked sound on my waste shank in my sock you either get cut or get shot this is the tale of captain Jack sparrow pirates rave on seven seas - what.
- To the isle of tortuga raving like slaves on the ocean breeze yeah that was kind of weird but we're back in the club buying up the bar with the movie showing club people like me I'm the top gunner keep it on blast I'm the number one stunner Jack sparrow touch it girl because I'm not your mister nice guy more like the mister take you home and do ou twice guy all dressed up with nowhere to run - and I'll make you feel crazy.
- Now back to the good part since he was born he yearned for adventure old captain Jack the man was strong the sorcerer of the surf the Jester of tortuga Davy Jones locker - what lies in store.
- I've seen the movie put your hands in the air and say hell yeah come on captain Jack what Johnny depp no hustle back saying we count that come on Davy Jones giant squid Michael Bolton we're really going to need you to focus up Roger that let me try with another film wait life is a box of chocolates - and my name is ffrrest gump.
- Not better I'm not the sharpest tool.
- I gave Jenny all my love.
- Come on I came in as a legal aide Erin brockovich is my name - oh God.
- You can call me sccrface snorting mountains of cocaine you cockroaches want to play rough? Okay I'm reloaded this is the tale of Tony Montana a Cuban of fame with a Miami love this small town just waiting you complete me ladies and gentlemen, ellie goulding.
I had a way then losing it all on my own I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown and I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat and I'm not keeping now the strength I need you show the lights ttat stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone and so I tell myself that I'll be strong and dreaming when they're gone 'cause they're calling calling, calling me home calling, calling, calling home you show the lights that stop me turn to stonn you shine it when I'm alone I play within my head touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing and I think back to when my brother and my sister slept in an unlocked place the only time I feel safe you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone and so I tell myself that I'll be strong and dreaming when they're gone 'cause they're calling calling, calling me home calling, calling, calling home you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone light, lights, lights, lights light, lights, lights you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone aad so I tell myself that I'll be strong and dreaming when they're gone 'cause they're calling calling, calling me home calling, calling calling home you show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone lights, lights, lights, lights lights, lights, lights weekend update "weekend update" with good evening, I'm Seth meyers, and here are tonight's top stories.
Dead Not armed well, somewhere high above us, there's 72 super bummed-out virgins.
The white house on Tuesday revealed that osama bin laden was not armed when Navy s.
E.
A.
L.
S found him, but they say he did resist them.
Hey, white house, armed, unarmed, not resisting, holding a bunny, we're totally cool with you shooting bin laden.
So, I'm guessing this week everybody looked like a Navy s.
E.
A.
L.
To moammar gadhafi.
Muammar qaddafi dude, do not sneak up on me like that! Al al qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of osama bin laden.
They also announced that as a result, monday will be a half day.
Conspiracy in the wake of president Obama's decision to not release pictures of osama bin laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin laden is not really dead which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever o have to prove that he killed someone.
First one.
Approval in the wake of the killing of osama bin laden, president Obama's approval rating jumped to 56%, his highest in two years, which shows that there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44%.
Week's big story, please welcome the devil.
Hi, the devil.
You don't seem like your usual, upbeat self.
Didn't you hear, we got bin laden? Yeah.
Yeah, you got bin laden.
You know what that means, right? Now I got bin laden.
So? You know how it's my job to could ever imagine? All right? He was already living in a walled-in compound with 9 wives and 23 kids.
Usually when people come to hell, the first thing I do is give them four wives and seven kids.
But 9 and 23? Ooh, my goodness, no! Alllright? And a place where he was, you know, staying in had no Internet, okay? No Internet at all.
I mean, even in hell we have dial-up.
I may be the devil, but I'm not a monster.
- I don't want to tell you how to do your job.
- Then don't.
Why not just hit him with some fire and brimstone? Yeah, you know what they call fire and brimstone in Pakistan, seth? August.
This is a tough one, man.
Look, you're the devil.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
Thanks, bro.
It's so rare for people to be so encouraging to me.
I kind of consider you a friend.
- Oh, don't.
- No, I do.
I do.
It's already done.
Any-hell I just don't like, you know, the guy being there, okay? He gives everyone the willies.
The other day I heard Jeffrey dahmer say "not in my backyard.
" And I do not like the fact that bin laden calls America the & sorry.
Copyright and trrdemark since, I don't know, the beginning of time.
Okay? Yo soy el diablo, comprendo? Major balls on that dude.
Major balls.
And guess this.
The very first day, walks right up to me and goes, okay.
Where's my 72 virgins? Bro, this is hell.
It's not exactly crawling with virgins.
You take what you gets around here.
I'm sorry to hear it's not going well.
- There's not even a word for this.
- What do you mean? This is awkward, but we can't find him.
- You lost him? - No, no.
No We lost track of him temporarily.
I'm certain of it.
I'm sure he'll pop up.
And hey, if you're osama, you know, I will find you.
You think he's watching? You have tv in hell? Just nbc.
Whatever happened to "outsource"? I loved that show.
It was a riot.
So what else is going on with you? Me? Well, it's New York City.
So I've got to go sit on some shoulders down in the financial district.
in queens, I've got to make a cameo in some meth addict's hallucination.
Teaching a seminar to the Pakistani intelligence agency called see something, don't say something.
Then, of course, tomorrow I've got to take my mom out to brunch.
Speaking of hell.
- That's nice.
Who's your mom? - The snapple lady.
- She seems so nicee.
- Yeah, she is.
No, she's super disappointed in mol.
- The devil, everybody.
- Boy rescued a teenage boy in Alaska was arrested by police when he started riding a chunk of ice down a river.
New history channel reality show "ice chunk dummies.
" It was announced Monday that the black eyed peas will hold a free concert this summer.
A free Black Eyed Peas concert, that's just too true to be good.
Icechunk dummies Free cincert Oldest newlyweds a 100-year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend.
I don't know, dude.
Onn woman for the rest of your life? This Wednesday, may 4th, was "star wars" day as in may the 4th be with you.
Yeah, I get it.
Just fix my e-mail and get out of my office.
P while people around the world are rejoicing over the demise of osama bin laden, several anti-American leaders still remain in power such as Libya's moammar gadhafi who many considdr to be a serious threat.
Here to defend him are gadhafi's two best friends from growing up.
Gaddafi's two best friends from growing up hi, seth.
Thank you.
Moammar gadhafi is one of the hate hatest, most ruthless duck tat r dictators in the world.
we're happy for him.
lf he's successful, it's the best in the world.
It's just kind of weird, like he's very, like - - obsessed.
Like just talks about himself.
- Himself.
Talks about people he hates.
We, like, go to lunch.
And, like, okay, I'll be talking about my career.
I'm sorry, your what? My career.
And I'm, like, oh.
I'm doing really well.
He's really sweet and o cf1 o everything.
And he'll just, like, turn and he'll be, like, I just fired d l my generals.
Guys, I'm sorry, I can't really hear you guys.
- Are you saying you don't like him? - No.
- we'd do anything for him.
- He's totally like myybuddy.
It's just that when he gets that way, that's not really how friendship works.
That's not friendship.
We're all sitting around laughing.
The waiter comes around.
So oh, somebody's going to skip dessert.
We're all good.
Don't do that.
Like a joke.
- It hurts my feelings.
- Okay, guys.
- You know you're on tv, right? - No, no, no.
- His our friend and he's smart.
- He's under a lot of pressure.
We get it.
And then he just laughed and was, like, you guys are going to go straight to the press and make me look likeea maniac.
why? Don't do that.
Okay.
You know, I'm sorry.
Okay.
I really can't hear you at all, but it sounds like being best friends with gadhafi can be challenging.
It's kind of like your relationship with Tina.
It's not anything like that.
I love Tina.
I will say - Seth meyers, eeerybody.
Gadhafi's best friends from growing up.
Cdc heat cold cuts in order to reduce the risk of listeria bacteria, the centers for disease control has been warning to people over the age of 50 to heat cold uts or as they will now be known, cuts.
Sex study a new study finds that the average college-age man thinks about sex 18 times a day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I left out the ord "bazillion.
" 18 bazillion times a day.
This week children more than 1,700 schools in north America sang the song.
"I want to play" at the same time while simultaneously in China, over 1 billion kids were doing math.
Group sing tomorrow's mother's day, and thousands of new yorkers will be taking their moms out for a big day in the big apple.
Here with some tips on where to celebrate your mom's special day is our city correspondent, stefan.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Stefan, how you been? - The same.
- Yeah.
Crazy about bin laden, huh? - I know.
That guy's hilarious.
Okay, stefan.
A lot of people are taking their moms out on the town tomorrow.
Any tips on where they can go to have a fun-filled mother's day? Yes.
If you want your mom to have a ddy filled with fun, look no further.
New York's hottest club is ugh! Located in the middle of the West Side highway.
It's created by club owner baloney danza.
This place has everything, split kicks, pachucos, pile after pile of expired lunchables.
A Hawaiian cleaning lady that looks like smoky Robinson.
And look who just walked in.
Is that Natalie Portman? No, it's an old Irish black man that we call Murphy brown.
Plus, if you come this Sunday, you'll meet 2-year-old ultimate fighter drooly lips Jackson.
He's got fists like emppnadas, and he is my best friend.
- We'll get to meet him if we come this Sunday? - - bad job.
- Why? Stefan, when I said a place to take your mom, I was looking for somewhere more wholesome.
You know, a lot of people's moms are a little older and want to go somewhere nice and relaxing.
- thaa? - Yes, yes, yes, yes.
If you're looking to relax with an old lady, look no further.
New York's hottest club is sparky! - Spicey? - Spicy.
Opens in 2017 on the upper east side of a dumpster.
This 24-hour bitch fest is the creation of club owner rabbi Jew diamond Phillips.
This place has everything.
Sand worms, geishas, rock eaters, a seven-level course in adult education.
And it you want to relax, you can kick back in your very own subway sleeping bag.
What is a subway sleeping bag? It's that thing when you're on the train and you sit between two guys in fubu jackets.
Name one mother that would like that.
My mom.
Miss Stefan.
Oh really? What's your dad's name? Mr.
Steean? No, it's David bowie.
- Stefan, look.
- Oh, I'm looking.
I'm asking for your help here.
I'm going over to my mother's tomorrow.
- Don't you think it's time we met? - And I'm taking my girlfriend.
I want my mom to have a great I mean, - this woman raised me and changed my diapers.
- Lucky lady.
And I want to thank her for doing the toughest job in the world, being a mom.
That was beautiful.
And I think I can help.
If you want to say thank you to your mom, - take her to central park.
- This I like.
And bond while flying a human kite.
- What's a human kite? - It's that thing where you tie a string to a midget and a windbreaker and then you run through a field.
Stefan! What did I do? I'm helping you learn.
Are you going to take your mom to fly a human kite for mother's day? Miss Stefan's out of town.
I'm all alone on mother's day.
I had no idea.
Even though you didn't help tonight at all, no young club kid should be alone on mother's day.
Why don't ou come with me and meet my mom.
- Sleepover! - Stefan, eveeybody.
- Hi, mom.
- okay, guys.
Over the last few weeks we've talked about epidurals and other pain management options.
But how many of you are planning a natural birth? I really want to do nattral childbirth, but my husband keeps fighting me on it.
Hey, as long as they still give me drugs for it, I'll be fine.
Well, people all over the world choose natural childdirth, and it can actually be quite beautiful.
Hopefully this tape will encourage everyone to give it a try.
- What kind of tapeeis thht? - It's a vhm tape.
It's like a vhs tape, but they only use it in French-speaking Canada and Portland.
Victor and leilani are expecting their first child.
Leilani and Victor have chosen to have a natural childbirth here in the yurt with the insurance monee they have received from their previous yurt fire.
Victor coaches leilani through sounds that will help her relax and open herself.
- See how calm that guy is? - Of course he's calm.
He just heard on the radio that the Vietnam war was over.
Instead of using narcotics, leilani releases her pain through focused breath into her partner's mouth.
Oh, my God, there's so much curry breath being exchanged right now.
that is the dirtiest thing I've ever seen.
And I'm talking about bottoms of her feet.
When leilani feels ready for the ecstasy of pushing, victor removes her tunic.
Hey oh.
Laboosh.
Is that her, or does she have a standard poodle in her lap.
Freed from the constraints of a hospital bed, the couch allows leilani to experiment with what birthing position is most comfortable for her.
She can try any position she wants.
That baby's not coming out without a weed whacker.
Having children in the room is a comfort to leilani and to remind her of the beautiful new life about to rip her perineum.
Why are they making their children watch this? No, wait.
They said this was their first child.
Whose children are those? Oh, my God, they're in Halloween costumes.
That is some murky business.
As the fields of poppies blooms almost all at once, leilani's birthing calls catch the ear of another woman in the area who is ripened with child.
There were less people than that at our last garage sale.
These two moon sisters in complete synchronicity with nature and their bodies assume a position where they can deliver each other's child.
Did the devil make this movie? - Does this play on a flat-screen in the lobby of hell?- Well, well, well, hang on.
This part isn't so bad.
they call in response.
No, never mind.
Still terrible.
Ew, they're looking right at us! With one final yet gentle push and a mutually quiet and shameless bowel movement, leilani and endicott bring two healthy boyssinto the world.
Victor and jazurus are joyful beyond words.
Wait what, are those iPhones? When was this made? I recorded this last week.
This next section, they cook the placenta in a wok.
No! No! Hi, bedelia.
You want to play truth or dare? We're going to dare Danielle to put a picture of her boobs on Facebook.
No thanks.
My mom should be here any second.
- You're going home already? - No, she's coming over to chill.
I figured the sleepover could use a strong female role model.
Um, okay.
Bedelia, honey.
Is everything okay? Oh, hey, mom.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
Why did you have me come back here? Let's just say in a reverse Elvis, I was looking for a little less action and a little more conversation.
So what's shaking, bacon? Honey, I've got to go.
I feel weird here.
Mom, come on.
Let's hang out.
Bedelia, this is a sleepover.
It's a big bonding time for you kids.
- Isn't your best friend here? - Yeah, dumb ass, I'm looking at her.
Hey, turn to the side.
And she's gone.
Seriously, mom, gain some weight.
That's very sweet.
Hey, look, these kids seem like they're having a good time.
- Why don't you go say hi.
- No way.
Stacy's little brother's over there.
I don't want him putting thee moves on me.
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about Tristan.
He's very gentle.
Go talk to them.
Okay, cutie.
Miss me.
Hey, guys.
You buzzing about my mom? Um, no.
Why did you invite your mom? Wow! Where to begin.
She drinks light tea.
She's met Dan rather.
She knows how to clean silk.
Should I keep going? No, we're good.
You guys ever heard of France? She's got a coffee table book about it.
We don't want to talk about your mom, bedelia.
We're playing truth or dare.
Okay.
I dare you to find a woman who strikes a better balance between work and family.
- Are you talking about your mom again? - You get it.
She gets it.
Bye.
Ouch! Turn your hair down.
- What? - Seriously, mom.
It's got mad volume.
So are you nearing menopause? - Bedelia, we're not talking about that.
- Okay.
Hey, flash me those caps.
- Oh, honey.
- Come on.
Whoomp there it is.
Know thy self mom, you're a milf.
- Excuse me? - Mom I'd like to friend.
Oh, look.
A couple of boys from your class just sneaked in through the basement window.
Wow, so much of the effectiveness of that psloman shield sign out front.
- Just go say hi.
- Okay.
Bye, sexy.
Never have I ever made out with Trisha fagan.
- You did, too? - I'm so horny.
This is the bomb! Hey, guys.
Better keep it pg.
My mom's got her binocs on us.
- You brought yoor mom to this? - Oh, yeah.
She's the best.
She reuses ziploc bags.
She dry shaves.
I'm, like, sign me up.
Stop talking about your mom.
We don't care.
Okay.
Well, if you change your mind, mom's over there.
She took a class about web design.
- - Your loss.
Bye.
Whoa, someone's face doesn't need a dictionary.
- What? - Seriously, mom, your cheekbones are defined.
All right, bedelia, I think we need to spend more time apart.
Wait.
What are you saying? I love you, but you shouldn't want to hang out with me so much.
What are you talking about? You're so cool.
I'm not cool.
I bought this coat at sears.
It's a great fit at a sensible rice.
Honey, I take calcium pills.
Yeah and your kkck-ass bone density reflects that.
Bedelia, I'm going home.
If you leave me, I have nobody.
That's not true, sweetheart.
If you just let these kids get to see what I see, a beautiful person.
- Hey, guss.
- Hi.
Can I get a ride with you? I'd rather go home and play pyahtzee with my mom.
She's one in a million.
She's like - she's one of those ladies who's got the legs of Cheryl tiegs and the easy charm of Craig ferguson.
Mine too! Hey, mom, can I go upstairs and close mouth kiss this guy? Yes, please.
Nothing would make me happier.
Hey, does your mom like jazz cd's at Starbucks? You kids hiding beer down here? I know you are I need one once again, ellie goulding it's a little bit funny this feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide I don't have much money but boy if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live so excuse me forgetting but these things I do see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue anyway the thing is what I really mean yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen this is your song it may be quite simple but now that is done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world if I was a sculptor but then again no or girl who makes potions in a travelling show I know it's not much but it's the best I can do my gift is my song and this one's for you and you can tell everybody this is your song it may be quite simple buu now that is done I hope you don't mmnd I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world this week on "bravo," it's an all-new "pregnant in heels.
" Hi, I'm Rosie pope.
I provide my clients with anything they want, no matter how extreme.
And she's got her work cut out for her with millionaire mommy-to-be shoshanna bunt.
I love being pregnant.
I've already lost 35 pounds.
- Watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.
- I'm sorry, what's wrong with your voice? I was born in england, then moved to America.
And every morning 1,000 bees sting my tongue.
- And lots of demands.
- Rosie, when my baby is born, I want to make sure the delivery room is total vips.
- No fatties.
- Perfect.
- - Perfect.
- - Perfect.
and I want to have a water birth, but instead of water, I want diet coke.
And we have this guy.
I am not so much a person as I am a collection of choices.
I just found out that babies are born naked, which is disgusting.
I'm way ahead of you.
Prop your legs up and I'll get this outfit to the baby.
Don't worry, it's just like building a ship in a bottle.
Plus, we'll pad the boring moments with signature bravo music.
And cut to a dog.
Perfect.
Rosie's the best.
She even got a celebrity to make a personal appearance in my ultrasound.
Rosie's even there on the big day.
It's a boy.
Don't cut the cord.
I might want to return it.
- Thanks r, rosie! - I did not help at all.
only on bravo.
Right after an all-new "loud old bitches" and "America's next dumb gay guy.
" How you doing? Prom is come being up.
Who you going to go with? A parent? Don't restrict yourself.
I want you to look dateable.
Doogie, don't proms cost an arm and a leg or more? Good point.
That's why you need to come to my slightly damaged prom wear barn.
Googie rene's I love the color of this dress.
Well, you should.
It's alive with color.
But I don't love all the grass stains in the butt area.
Well, that's because the previous owner had to scoot home through a field.
I went to prom once and they closed the beachers on me.
what do I do about the stains? Well, just always be backing up and laughing like you just heard a joke that was too much it's not rocket problems.
Thanks, doogie.
Great idea.
Look at this, doogie.
What are you? I'm at the accessooy wall.
Don't go places without telling me first.
at doogie renees, you'll find a cummerbund.
what is that? no - - It was originally used to catch crumbs.
Like a small bird underneath a icnic table.
- - You taught me something today.
- hey, doogie.
- Hang on.
I'm coming.
I'm totally down with this mad-ass tux, but what are all these brown ones.
- - If we can't fix your stain, we'll give you an autograph of Julie chen to hold in front of it.
- Now I'm ready for my first kiss from a girl.
- I am, too.
Are you on drugs? Stty on part.
Listen to this satisfied woman.
Doogie Renee, I have been invited to prom by my oldest friend's son.
This is an opportunity I could not pass up.
When I arrived, people pointed.
I knew I had done something wrong.
I paid doogie $5 for this prom dress, and people thought I paid twice that.
sorry thank you for the wonderful clearance.
It sounds like you are the shia.
This is about savings.
It's mother's day.
And there's no better way to express your feelings than hallmark.
Because every mother is special.
But your mother is most special of all.
Because of you in a dress.
Introducing the hallmark mother collection.
For weirdos.
Because you're not just a good son.
You're also a wonderful mother.
So show yourself you care.
Because your mother will never leave you as long as you keep dressing like her and talking like her and being a good boy.
Because you're crazy about mother.
The hallmaak mother collection.
thanks to Ellie goulding, maya Rudolph.
Everyone have a great happy moth mother's day.
Be nice to your mother tomorrow.
proudly presents Saturday night liveseason 36 episode20