Scarborough (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
The Unfavourable Death of Mrs Bookham
1 MUFFLED SPEECH ON TV TELEVISION: are nowhere near retirement age, and are certainly not looking to spend their days indoors watching television.
Home comforts are important to them, as well as the obligatory pool and barbecue area.
And, although they initially both gave Mother? You've left this back door open again! .
.
still lacking the all-important internet and British television.
Did you hear me, Mam? You've left that back door open again.
Civil partners Gary and Aslam are looking for a cosy bolthole in the old town of Ibiza.
Aye, I bet they are.
It means an 'oliday home.
Yes, I know what it means.
I've got your soups.
Do you want one? They don't look very civil to me.
They've both got beards.
I'm doing you a soup.
There's nothing on! It's one o'clock in the afternoon, and there's absolutely nothing on television.
It's a disgrace.
Ooh - Cash In The Attic.
"Nerys wants to raise money "to buy a new wardrobe after losing six stones in weight.
" She might've lost six stones, but she's still called Nerys.
San Agustin is one of the best preserved villages SHE SIGHS Oh, are you having soup? I've opened it for YOU.
Well, I never asked for soup.
Well, if you're making it, I may as well have some.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm doing your soup.
Well, if I'm having soup, I'll have it done properly in a pan.
For subtitling services, contatct: Now, listen, you have got to start shutting that back door.
Anybody could walk in.
Mr Ferris had a cat wander into his back kitchen yesterday.
Right, well, there you go.
Exactly.
He'd only gone to answer the front door.
The scabby thing walked into his house, bold as brass.
He was in the middle of making a beef and onion pie.
He used to work at Jackson's, didn't he? Mm.
Ah, that's nice that he still bakes.
The cat shat on the mincemeat.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
I know! A pound and a half of best steak mince.
He was devastated.
He had to throw half of it away.
So, are you out tonight? Yeah, going to The Ship for karaoke.
Do you fancy it? Me?! Oh, no fear! Once was enough, thank you.
Well, I'm going.
Could do with a good night out.
Well, I hope for your sake they have different singers from that time I went.
Some of them were shocking.
Mother, it's just karaoke.
Folks just get up and have a go.
Aye, well, some folk should realise they're annoying when they talk, never mind having a crack at Shirley Bassey.
SHE CHUCKLES Darren's a good singer.
I'll give him that.
You mean Mike.
You've got to stop calling him Darren.
No, not Darren - that's the other one.
Yes, I know.
It's Mike who's the singer, and Darren moved to Finland.
Florida.
Close.
Have you sorted things out since your set-to with him last week? With Mike? No, not really.
So, if Darren lives in Florida, where does Mike live? Scarborough.
Darren moved to Florida when we got divorced.
Mike lives in Scarborough.
Well, you can see why I get confused.
Yeah, wellto add to the confusion, it's .
.
I think we might've split up.
Oh, when did all this happen? Last week in The Ship.
Oh, you're better off without him, love.
I mean, Darren and Karen - you couldn't have gone through life like that.
Right, you give us that soup.
You're stirring all the flavour out of it.
But it's not hot yet.
Ah, that's all right.
I generally finish it off in the microwave anyway.
FAIRGROUND MUSIC Oi! Go easy on that, will ya? What did I just tell you? This machine's rigged.
YOU'LL be rigged in a minute if you don't pack that in.
THUDDING Oi! Hey, do you recognise him? Cos he's barred.
Yolanda? Hello? Mork calling Orson.
You with us? It's no good asking me.
What do you mean it's no good asking you? I was knee-deep in Terry Pratchett.
You know there's only supposed to be one of you in there, don't you? Anyway, they all look the same to me.
Who? Humans? Men.
What, all men look the same to you? All men, do they? You couldn't tell the difference between, like, Brad Pitt andTommy Cooper? Who's Tommy Cooper? He's the fella with the red "Who's Tommy Cooper?" You're taking the piss.
All right, then.
Who's Ponder Stibbons? What? Who's Fred Colon? Who's Nobby Nobbs? Fred Colon, Nobby Nobb You're making these up.
Yeah, we just come from very different worlds.
Yeah, you literally.
I beg your pardon? Is this all from your, er, Dungeons & Dragons and that? SHE SCOFFS Dungeons & Dragons.
Sorry, what year are we in, 1982? Mike! Cafe, quick.
Where've YOU been? Cafe - now! Right, I'll be back in 10 minutes.
Nanu, nanu.
# Got myself a crying, talking Sleeping, walking, living doll Shall we get you under the dryers, Mrs Bookham? PHONE RINGS Hello, Geraldine's - Geraldine speaking.
How can I help? Oh, no, love, I'm sorry, we don't touch feet.
Yeah, there used to be a man in the indoor market with a tank of fish you could stick your feet in, but I think he got arrested.
No bother at all.
You're welcome.
Best of luck.
He DID get arrested.
Who did? The fella in the indoor market with the fish that ate the dead skin off your feet.
Oh, yes, I heard that.
Do you know what happened? Well, when the fish died, he gave them to his brother who deep-fried them and sold them in his pub as whitebait.
Never! Right, I'm off to powder me nose, and I hope you've got plenty of paper in, not like last time.
It were like being up shit creek without a canoe, never mind a paddle.
And something to read.
I don't like to be rushed.
I'm very particular about my ablutions.
Do you want an Echo? How do you do that? Leave the door open? No, a Northern Echo.
Oh, right.
Thank you.
And don't come looking for me, I'll be a good while.
Dr Sidhari told me not to strain.
Oh, no, don't strain.
We've just decorated.
Sorry I'm late, Gerry.
There were a massive queue in Jackson's.
They've started doing curry pies.
People are going mad for 'em.
They're doing curry in a pie? Apparently.
What sort of curry? I've no idea.
Here, do you want to put the cakes in the back? Are they big? They're the same ones we get every Friday.
Not the cream cakes, the curry pies.
No idea, I didn't see 'em.
Right, pop the kettle on.
Lovely.
Are you going to The Ship tonight? Yeah, definitely.
Are you and Mike going? Yeah.
Well, I'M going.
I don't know about Mike.
I haven't spoke to him for a few days.
Well, a week.
Oh, you've just got back together, haven't you? Yeah.
Look, I ain't told anybody this, but, um .
.
you know last week when we were in The Ship, and they were calling for us to sing Everlasting Love, but Mike weren't there? Yeah.
Well, I went to go find him.
I mean, you know what Jack's like - if you miss your song, you're straight to the back of the queue.
Anyway, he weren't in the pub, so I've gone outside, and as I have stepped outside, I've seen him disappear behind the, umyou know the crab stall opposite? Yeah.
So I've crossed over, and I've gone behind the back of the crab stall .
.
and he were there .
.
with Hayley Cox .
.
and they were kissing.
He didn't even notice me.
I just turned round and went back in the pub.
A few minutes later, he came back in, and he said, "I'm sorry I went outside, I felt a bit sick.
" I said "Oh, right, did ya? Who were you with?" He said, "Nobody, why?" So I said, "You weren't with Hayley Cox?" He said, "I don't know what you're talking about," so I said, "I saw you together behind the back of the crab stall.
" He couldn't say anything.
It's like he were frozen .
.
and I just walked out.
I ain't answered any of his calls or his texts since then.
And I just .
.
I just feel so betrayed.
When you say curry pies, do you mean just, like, spicy, or pies with actual curry in them? MUSIC: Somewhere In My Heart by Aztec Camera Cheers, love.
There you go.
What's going on, then? Have you not seen outside? The place is swarming with Old Bill.
Oh, you not paid the TV licence again? Mike, I am a marked man, and you know it.
I can't go back inside.
That month in solitary in Wakefield almost destroyed me.
Bigsy, you've never been to Wakefield, never mind prison.
You weren't there, mate.
You weren't there.
No, neither were you.
Short memory, you.
How do you think me and you met? We met on a speed awareness course in Bridlington.
Oh, whatever.
Where've you been the last few days anyway? Out of town.
I had a little bit of business to attend to, you know.
Oh, aye.
You stay with your Auntie June? Yeah, says hello.
Here's a little idea.
Why don't you move in with her, and then I can get myself a flatmate who actually pays rent? Ooh, that's hot.
How's Karen? I don't know.
Haven't spoken to her since Friday.
Pff, I don't know.
Bitches.
I beg your pardon? No, I'm just saying that she's still got the hump with ya.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, she's not returning me calls.
Jimmy Savile had the right idea.
I'm sorry? About women.
He used to call them brain damage.
Wow.
Ju Wow.
What? Of all the people that you could quote on relationship advice, you're giving me Jimmy Savile? I mean, even for you, that's off the grid.
Yeah, sorry.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA It was a cracking theme tune, though, weren't it? Jim'll Fix It.
Right, stop it now.
Stop.
So whatwhat you going to do about Karen? Not sure.
I told you we had that massive argument at The Ship, but I didn't tell you what it was about, did I? I'm listening.
She caught me getting off with someone else.
Who? No, I can't say.
Was it Hayley Cox? Yeah, it was, yeah.
Well, you know what they say about Hayley.
"Cox by name" Yes, I know what they say, thank you.
".
.
cox by nature.
" What is wrong with you? What was she like? Well, she asked me to go back to hers.
And did you? No, of course not! I'm with Karen.
I mean, I know what you're like when you've had five pints.
Oh, shut up.
I didn't, though, did I? You know she's back with Tony Peroni.
What? Yeah.
Got released from Doncaster nick this morning.
Oh, my God, I'm a dead man.
Hang on, I thought he got three years? His brief got it down to a year.
He did six months.
That's what you get when you're the head of the ice-cream mafia.
And you know what they say about Tony Peroni.
"If he puts a contract out on you, you end up a raspberry ripple.
" Shut up, knobhead.
It was only a kiss.
Yeah, no, sure.
I mean, he'll probably only break one of your legs.
Anyway, I'm off down The Ship tonight.
Karaoke on.
Fancy it? Maybe.
II'll see you back at the flat if you go back there.
Right.
I'm going to make a move.
IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: If me can steer clear of the dirty Babylon.
Oh, and hey, hey, Mike.
Don't worry about Karen.
Single life ain't all that bad.
Look at me! CUTLERY CLATTERS That looks lovely, Mrs Bell.
See you next week.
I've got you booked in for Thursday next week, Mrs Bell.
I'm assuming that's on account of Mrs Swithenbank's funeral? That's right.
Did you hear how she died? I couldn't believe it.
Oh, isn't it terrible? Well, I've always said there should be an upper age limit on them roller coasters.
Right, see you Thursday, then.
Thanks, Gerry.
Is it all right if I go now? Have you put the towels in the washing machine? No, I haven't.
I'll do the towels.
Aw, thanks, Kaz.
I'll see you at The Ship.
See you tomorrow, Gerry.
Geraldine.
Oh, I don't know Oh, best go steady tonight.
Busy day tomorrow.
Oh, that's funny.
Mrs Bookham not come in today? Mrs Bookham! What about her? She never came back from the toilet.
How long's she been in there? Four hours.
Mrs Bookham? It's Geraldine.
Would you like the moist tissues? They're usually only for staff, but if you're having a bit of trouble Have we got a hammer? Well, she'd be better with the moist tissues.
No, to break the door down.
Oh, we don't need to do that.
KAREN GASPS Oh, Mrs Bookham.
Dr Sidhari told her not to strain.
MUSIC: Kingston Town by UB40 # The night seems to fade # But the moonlight lingers on # There are wonders for everyone # Yeah # The stars shine so bright # But they're fading after dawn There is magic in Scarborough town Thank you, love.
Thank you.
What's that say? "All These Things I Hate.
" Who's that by? Bullet For My Valentine.
Charming.
No, we ain't got it.
You didn't even look.
I don't need to look.
I know my song list like the back of me hand.
You know, not everyone wants to sing old songs by Elvis Presley.
Well, he ain't got many new ones.
You all right, Mike? You going to give us a song? Oh, not tonight, Jack.
I've just been given the entire Phil Collins back catalogue.
My condolences.
You Can't Hurry Love.
Well, you can say that again.
Go on.
No.
Look, not tonight, mate.
I'm just sick of listening to these tone-deaf arseholes.
Um Oh, sorry, Mike.
Bigsy's a mate of yours, ain't he? Yeah, but, you know, you put up a good argument.
Hey, I tell you what.
Why don't you do the one that you were going to do last week before you disappeared? Not You Can't Hurry Love.
Oh Everlasting Love.
I'll put you down for that.
No, Jack.
No, I don't fancy it toni Did you want a drink, Mike? Nah, I'm just stood here, trying to get rid of cramp.
span tts:color="white Oh, OK.
No, that was a joke.
I'm going to start bringing my own.
Right, let's see what all the fuss is about.
Amazing.
Well? Ooh, that's quite spicy.
You all right? QUITE spicy? QUITE spicy?! Jesus Christ, that's vindaloo! Oi! What are you doing? I need a drink.
That's mine.
Lisa Marie, me gob's on fire.
I don't want vindaloo round me rim.
For God's sake! Sorry, Mike, did you want serving? Yes, I was just joking before.
Pint of tap water, please.
Hey, there's a queue here.
For God's sake! Finally.
Right, OK, er, two Two pints of Ellison's, please, Jess.
This is a joke.
Lisa, ain't it? Lisa Marie.
Yeah.
How's Karen? What do you mean? Likeshe been all right? You know, this week? Looks all right to me.
It's your mate, ain't it? Yeah.
Yeah, he's quite fit.
Oh, I thought you meant the fella singing.
I do.
Mm-hm.
Nice one, Bigsy.
And we'll be back with more singers after this.
Smashed it, obvs.
Thanks, Jess.
Right, I'd better go and see if Mandy's OK.
You all right? Jesus.
Who's that? Oh, she works with Karen.
Oof.
Yeah, terrible taste in men as well.
No, I bet.
Right, the drinks are on me.
After losing a fiver at your place on Only Fools And Horses, I put a quid into Ronnie O'Sullivan, and he paid out - 70 sheets.
Any of that going on rent? Ah, it's all accounted for, really.
Soz.
Right, sit down.
You're in shock.
I'll get you a brandy.
A brandy?! Absolutely not.
You know I don't drink, Karen.
Well, do you want me to get Jess to do you a coffee? I'll have a whisky.
Er, I think they've got Bell's.
Is that OK? Oh, no, nothing blended.
I'll have a single malt.
Something like a Glenfiddich.
Or maybe an American bourbon if they've got it - you know, like a Jim Beam.
Or even a Wild Turkey.
I'm not really bothered.
Um.
They've got Jack Daniel's? Oh, no, that's not a bourbon, it's a sour mash.
Oh.
Is it true somebody died in your salon tonight? How the heck do you know that? It's all over Facebook.
How is it all over Facebook? There were only me and Geraldine there.
Bernard's brother Ozzy's on a tag, so he just sits at home all day, listening to the police on a scanner.
Cor, she's here.
Yeah, I know, I've seen her.
I don't mean Karen, I meanHayley Cox.
Oh, shit.
Well, you getting these drinks in or not? Aww, this is cosy.
Staff night out, is it? Karen, I was wondering, can you fit me nana in for a shampoo and set tomorrow? She died in 2006, but I know you're not that picky about your customers being alive.
Have you no respect? I'm sorry about last week.
I suppose you were bound to catch me and your Mike together at SOME point.
All right, Karen? You took your time.
Hiya, Geraldine.
You all right? You look like you've seen a ghost.
I'll get the drinks in.
Whatever.
I'll have a Pernod and black Some people have got no manners.
Yeah.
I've been ringing you all week.
Why did you deny it? What? I saw you outside with her.
I'm so sorry.
So? Why deny it? Because I was mortified.
YOU were mortified? She literally ambushed me.
I was hammered.
She's just tried to say it weren't the first time.
For God's sake.
That woman is pure evil.
Yeah, I know she is.
That's why I'm so upset.
I mean, of all people.
I knew we shouldn't have got back together.
Oh, don't say that.
Please don't say that.
I'm sorry.
II'm so sorry.
Please don't hate me.
Of course I don't hate you.
I just OK, kids, it's karaoke time again.
I've got to get Geraldine a drink.
First up this session, let's hear it for Mike.
MUSIC: Everlasting Love # Hearts gone astray # Leaving hurt when they go # I went away # Just when you, you needed me so # You won't regret # I come back, begging you # Won't you forget? # Welcome love we once knew # Open up your eyes # Then you'll realise # Here I stand with my everlasting love # Mrs Bookham, dead.
I can't believe it.
God rest her soul.
Would it be disrespectful to change the bog seat? # Open up your heart # Be the lasting part of everlasting love # Don't be so uptight, Karen.
Most of the men in Scarborough are shagging someone behind their partner's backs.
It's only sex.
You wish.
She must've left a corpse under the dryer.
# Where life's river flows # No-one really knows # Till someone's there to show the way to lasting love # Like the sun that shines # Endlessly, it shines # You always will be mine It's eternal love # Whenever love went wrong Ours will still be strong # We'll have our very own everlasting love.
# Oh, Marion, is everything OK? Mother, what are you doing? Well, Mr Ferris called in to ask if you were all right.
He said his nephew told him that someone had died at Geraldine's.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Well, you weren't answering your phone.
I'm sorry, but I was really worried about you.
No, it's OK.
Come on, let's get you Everything all right, Marion? Yeah, she's fine.
What's going on? No, she's fine.
I'll text you later.
Karen! I'll go with 'em.
My throat will seize up if I wait any longer for that drink.
# Open up your eyes # Then you'll realise # Here I stand with my everlasting # You don't remember me, do you? Isn't your name Pigsy or summat? I'm Barry Dixon.
You shagged both me brothers, Martin and Brian.
Well, at least I knew where to draw the line.
I think the only reason you've not shagged me is cos I'm single.
I don't think that's the only reason.
You are a slag and a home-wrecker.
That might be true, Pigsy, but what you fail to mention is I'm very good at being both.
Is this the one? What are YOU doing here? Is this the one? Him? You've got to be joking! Your name is Mike, yes? She just said no.
Are you stupid? What did you just say? Sorry, it was a rhetorical question.
What does that mean? Well, it's a rhetorical question.
A question that doesn't require an answer.
JACK: Thanks, Mike.
Great track there by Love Affair.
OK, next up, we have Scampy Andy with Bohemian Rhapsody.
As you know, I don't drink, but I've found a drop of Raymond's favourite - a lovely 12-year-old Triple Cask.
God rest his soul.
Marion! You're supposed to sip it I believe.
Bugger that.
I'm in shock.
Is it in the kitchen? I'll get it.
No, you sit down.
I'm not dead yet.
Unlike poor Mrs Bookham.
What a day.
Karen, you know Mrs Bookham? Yeah? Well, I've got something to tell you.
What? I did something wrong.
Something I should've told the police about.
Something I'll have to live with for the rest of me life.
You didn't kill her, did you? No, of course I didn't kill her.
What a thing to say! When I went to get her bag, when the police arrived Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I looked in it.
And? There was some money in it.
A lot of money.
How much? And you know how Mrs Bookham hasn't got any children, and Mr Bookham died not long after my Raymond, and, well .
.
I was worried it would just go missing .
.
the money.
And, well, Mrs Bookham, she wouldn't have wanted that.
You didn't? SHE GASPS What's going on? # I need love, love # Ooh, to ease my mind # And I need to find time someone to call mine # My mama said you can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # Love don't come easy # It's a game of give and take # You can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # Just trust in the good times # No matter how long it takes # PHIL COLLINS: # How many heartaches must I stand # Before I find a love to let me live again? # Right now, the only thing that keeps me hanging on # When I feel my strength, ooh, it's almost gone # And remember Mama said # You can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # She said love don't come easy # It's a game of give and take # You can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # She said love don't come easy # It's a game of give and take.
#
Home comforts are important to them, as well as the obligatory pool and barbecue area.
And, although they initially both gave Mother? You've left this back door open again! .
.
still lacking the all-important internet and British television.
Did you hear me, Mam? You've left that back door open again.
Civil partners Gary and Aslam are looking for a cosy bolthole in the old town of Ibiza.
Aye, I bet they are.
It means an 'oliday home.
Yes, I know what it means.
I've got your soups.
Do you want one? They don't look very civil to me.
They've both got beards.
I'm doing you a soup.
There's nothing on! It's one o'clock in the afternoon, and there's absolutely nothing on television.
It's a disgrace.
Ooh - Cash In The Attic.
"Nerys wants to raise money "to buy a new wardrobe after losing six stones in weight.
" She might've lost six stones, but she's still called Nerys.
San Agustin is one of the best preserved villages SHE SIGHS Oh, are you having soup? I've opened it for YOU.
Well, I never asked for soup.
Well, if you're making it, I may as well have some.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm doing your soup.
Well, if I'm having soup, I'll have it done properly in a pan.
For subtitling services, contatct: Now, listen, you have got to start shutting that back door.
Anybody could walk in.
Mr Ferris had a cat wander into his back kitchen yesterday.
Right, well, there you go.
Exactly.
He'd only gone to answer the front door.
The scabby thing walked into his house, bold as brass.
He was in the middle of making a beef and onion pie.
He used to work at Jackson's, didn't he? Mm.
Ah, that's nice that he still bakes.
The cat shat on the mincemeat.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
I know! A pound and a half of best steak mince.
He was devastated.
He had to throw half of it away.
So, are you out tonight? Yeah, going to The Ship for karaoke.
Do you fancy it? Me?! Oh, no fear! Once was enough, thank you.
Well, I'm going.
Could do with a good night out.
Well, I hope for your sake they have different singers from that time I went.
Some of them were shocking.
Mother, it's just karaoke.
Folks just get up and have a go.
Aye, well, some folk should realise they're annoying when they talk, never mind having a crack at Shirley Bassey.
SHE CHUCKLES Darren's a good singer.
I'll give him that.
You mean Mike.
You've got to stop calling him Darren.
No, not Darren - that's the other one.
Yes, I know.
It's Mike who's the singer, and Darren moved to Finland.
Florida.
Close.
Have you sorted things out since your set-to with him last week? With Mike? No, not really.
So, if Darren lives in Florida, where does Mike live? Scarborough.
Darren moved to Florida when we got divorced.
Mike lives in Scarborough.
Well, you can see why I get confused.
Yeah, wellto add to the confusion, it's .
.
I think we might've split up.
Oh, when did all this happen? Last week in The Ship.
Oh, you're better off without him, love.
I mean, Darren and Karen - you couldn't have gone through life like that.
Right, you give us that soup.
You're stirring all the flavour out of it.
But it's not hot yet.
Ah, that's all right.
I generally finish it off in the microwave anyway.
FAIRGROUND MUSIC Oi! Go easy on that, will ya? What did I just tell you? This machine's rigged.
YOU'LL be rigged in a minute if you don't pack that in.
THUDDING Oi! Hey, do you recognise him? Cos he's barred.
Yolanda? Hello? Mork calling Orson.
You with us? It's no good asking me.
What do you mean it's no good asking you? I was knee-deep in Terry Pratchett.
You know there's only supposed to be one of you in there, don't you? Anyway, they all look the same to me.
Who? Humans? Men.
What, all men look the same to you? All men, do they? You couldn't tell the difference between, like, Brad Pitt andTommy Cooper? Who's Tommy Cooper? He's the fella with the red "Who's Tommy Cooper?" You're taking the piss.
All right, then.
Who's Ponder Stibbons? What? Who's Fred Colon? Who's Nobby Nobbs? Fred Colon, Nobby Nobb You're making these up.
Yeah, we just come from very different worlds.
Yeah, you literally.
I beg your pardon? Is this all from your, er, Dungeons & Dragons and that? SHE SCOFFS Dungeons & Dragons.
Sorry, what year are we in, 1982? Mike! Cafe, quick.
Where've YOU been? Cafe - now! Right, I'll be back in 10 minutes.
Nanu, nanu.
# Got myself a crying, talking Sleeping, walking, living doll Shall we get you under the dryers, Mrs Bookham? PHONE RINGS Hello, Geraldine's - Geraldine speaking.
How can I help? Oh, no, love, I'm sorry, we don't touch feet.
Yeah, there used to be a man in the indoor market with a tank of fish you could stick your feet in, but I think he got arrested.
No bother at all.
You're welcome.
Best of luck.
He DID get arrested.
Who did? The fella in the indoor market with the fish that ate the dead skin off your feet.
Oh, yes, I heard that.
Do you know what happened? Well, when the fish died, he gave them to his brother who deep-fried them and sold them in his pub as whitebait.
Never! Right, I'm off to powder me nose, and I hope you've got plenty of paper in, not like last time.
It were like being up shit creek without a canoe, never mind a paddle.
And something to read.
I don't like to be rushed.
I'm very particular about my ablutions.
Do you want an Echo? How do you do that? Leave the door open? No, a Northern Echo.
Oh, right.
Thank you.
And don't come looking for me, I'll be a good while.
Dr Sidhari told me not to strain.
Oh, no, don't strain.
We've just decorated.
Sorry I'm late, Gerry.
There were a massive queue in Jackson's.
They've started doing curry pies.
People are going mad for 'em.
They're doing curry in a pie? Apparently.
What sort of curry? I've no idea.
Here, do you want to put the cakes in the back? Are they big? They're the same ones we get every Friday.
Not the cream cakes, the curry pies.
No idea, I didn't see 'em.
Right, pop the kettle on.
Lovely.
Are you going to The Ship tonight? Yeah, definitely.
Are you and Mike going? Yeah.
Well, I'M going.
I don't know about Mike.
I haven't spoke to him for a few days.
Well, a week.
Oh, you've just got back together, haven't you? Yeah.
Look, I ain't told anybody this, but, um .
.
you know last week when we were in The Ship, and they were calling for us to sing Everlasting Love, but Mike weren't there? Yeah.
Well, I went to go find him.
I mean, you know what Jack's like - if you miss your song, you're straight to the back of the queue.
Anyway, he weren't in the pub, so I've gone outside, and as I have stepped outside, I've seen him disappear behind the, umyou know the crab stall opposite? Yeah.
So I've crossed over, and I've gone behind the back of the crab stall .
.
and he were there .
.
with Hayley Cox .
.
and they were kissing.
He didn't even notice me.
I just turned round and went back in the pub.
A few minutes later, he came back in, and he said, "I'm sorry I went outside, I felt a bit sick.
" I said "Oh, right, did ya? Who were you with?" He said, "Nobody, why?" So I said, "You weren't with Hayley Cox?" He said, "I don't know what you're talking about," so I said, "I saw you together behind the back of the crab stall.
" He couldn't say anything.
It's like he were frozen .
.
and I just walked out.
I ain't answered any of his calls or his texts since then.
And I just .
.
I just feel so betrayed.
When you say curry pies, do you mean just, like, spicy, or pies with actual curry in them? MUSIC: Somewhere In My Heart by Aztec Camera Cheers, love.
There you go.
What's going on, then? Have you not seen outside? The place is swarming with Old Bill.
Oh, you not paid the TV licence again? Mike, I am a marked man, and you know it.
I can't go back inside.
That month in solitary in Wakefield almost destroyed me.
Bigsy, you've never been to Wakefield, never mind prison.
You weren't there, mate.
You weren't there.
No, neither were you.
Short memory, you.
How do you think me and you met? We met on a speed awareness course in Bridlington.
Oh, whatever.
Where've you been the last few days anyway? Out of town.
I had a little bit of business to attend to, you know.
Oh, aye.
You stay with your Auntie June? Yeah, says hello.
Here's a little idea.
Why don't you move in with her, and then I can get myself a flatmate who actually pays rent? Ooh, that's hot.
How's Karen? I don't know.
Haven't spoken to her since Friday.
Pff, I don't know.
Bitches.
I beg your pardon? No, I'm just saying that she's still got the hump with ya.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, she's not returning me calls.
Jimmy Savile had the right idea.
I'm sorry? About women.
He used to call them brain damage.
Wow.
Ju Wow.
What? Of all the people that you could quote on relationship advice, you're giving me Jimmy Savile? I mean, even for you, that's off the grid.
Yeah, sorry.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA It was a cracking theme tune, though, weren't it? Jim'll Fix It.
Right, stop it now.
Stop.
So whatwhat you going to do about Karen? Not sure.
I told you we had that massive argument at The Ship, but I didn't tell you what it was about, did I? I'm listening.
She caught me getting off with someone else.
Who? No, I can't say.
Was it Hayley Cox? Yeah, it was, yeah.
Well, you know what they say about Hayley.
"Cox by name" Yes, I know what they say, thank you.
".
.
cox by nature.
" What is wrong with you? What was she like? Well, she asked me to go back to hers.
And did you? No, of course not! I'm with Karen.
I mean, I know what you're like when you've had five pints.
Oh, shut up.
I didn't, though, did I? You know she's back with Tony Peroni.
What? Yeah.
Got released from Doncaster nick this morning.
Oh, my God, I'm a dead man.
Hang on, I thought he got three years? His brief got it down to a year.
He did six months.
That's what you get when you're the head of the ice-cream mafia.
And you know what they say about Tony Peroni.
"If he puts a contract out on you, you end up a raspberry ripple.
" Shut up, knobhead.
It was only a kiss.
Yeah, no, sure.
I mean, he'll probably only break one of your legs.
Anyway, I'm off down The Ship tonight.
Karaoke on.
Fancy it? Maybe.
II'll see you back at the flat if you go back there.
Right.
I'm going to make a move.
IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: If me can steer clear of the dirty Babylon.
Oh, and hey, hey, Mike.
Don't worry about Karen.
Single life ain't all that bad.
Look at me! CUTLERY CLATTERS That looks lovely, Mrs Bell.
See you next week.
I've got you booked in for Thursday next week, Mrs Bell.
I'm assuming that's on account of Mrs Swithenbank's funeral? That's right.
Did you hear how she died? I couldn't believe it.
Oh, isn't it terrible? Well, I've always said there should be an upper age limit on them roller coasters.
Right, see you Thursday, then.
Thanks, Gerry.
Is it all right if I go now? Have you put the towels in the washing machine? No, I haven't.
I'll do the towels.
Aw, thanks, Kaz.
I'll see you at The Ship.
See you tomorrow, Gerry.
Geraldine.
Oh, I don't know Oh, best go steady tonight.
Busy day tomorrow.
Oh, that's funny.
Mrs Bookham not come in today? Mrs Bookham! What about her? She never came back from the toilet.
How long's she been in there? Four hours.
Mrs Bookham? It's Geraldine.
Would you like the moist tissues? They're usually only for staff, but if you're having a bit of trouble Have we got a hammer? Well, she'd be better with the moist tissues.
No, to break the door down.
Oh, we don't need to do that.
KAREN GASPS Oh, Mrs Bookham.
Dr Sidhari told her not to strain.
MUSIC: Kingston Town by UB40 # The night seems to fade # But the moonlight lingers on # There are wonders for everyone # Yeah # The stars shine so bright # But they're fading after dawn There is magic in Scarborough town Thank you, love.
Thank you.
What's that say? "All These Things I Hate.
" Who's that by? Bullet For My Valentine.
Charming.
No, we ain't got it.
You didn't even look.
I don't need to look.
I know my song list like the back of me hand.
You know, not everyone wants to sing old songs by Elvis Presley.
Well, he ain't got many new ones.
You all right, Mike? You going to give us a song? Oh, not tonight, Jack.
I've just been given the entire Phil Collins back catalogue.
My condolences.
You Can't Hurry Love.
Well, you can say that again.
Go on.
No.
Look, not tonight, mate.
I'm just sick of listening to these tone-deaf arseholes.
Um Oh, sorry, Mike.
Bigsy's a mate of yours, ain't he? Yeah, but, you know, you put up a good argument.
Hey, I tell you what.
Why don't you do the one that you were going to do last week before you disappeared? Not You Can't Hurry Love.
Oh Everlasting Love.
I'll put you down for that.
No, Jack.
No, I don't fancy it toni Did you want a drink, Mike? Nah, I'm just stood here, trying to get rid of cramp.
span tts:color="white Oh, OK.
No, that was a joke.
I'm going to start bringing my own.
Right, let's see what all the fuss is about.
Amazing.
Well? Ooh, that's quite spicy.
You all right? QUITE spicy? QUITE spicy?! Jesus Christ, that's vindaloo! Oi! What are you doing? I need a drink.
That's mine.
Lisa Marie, me gob's on fire.
I don't want vindaloo round me rim.
For God's sake! Sorry, Mike, did you want serving? Yes, I was just joking before.
Pint of tap water, please.
Hey, there's a queue here.
For God's sake! Finally.
Right, OK, er, two Two pints of Ellison's, please, Jess.
This is a joke.
Lisa, ain't it? Lisa Marie.
Yeah.
How's Karen? What do you mean? Likeshe been all right? You know, this week? Looks all right to me.
It's your mate, ain't it? Yeah.
Yeah, he's quite fit.
Oh, I thought you meant the fella singing.
I do.
Mm-hm.
Nice one, Bigsy.
And we'll be back with more singers after this.
Smashed it, obvs.
Thanks, Jess.
Right, I'd better go and see if Mandy's OK.
You all right? Jesus.
Who's that? Oh, she works with Karen.
Oof.
Yeah, terrible taste in men as well.
No, I bet.
Right, the drinks are on me.
After losing a fiver at your place on Only Fools And Horses, I put a quid into Ronnie O'Sullivan, and he paid out - 70 sheets.
Any of that going on rent? Ah, it's all accounted for, really.
Soz.
Right, sit down.
You're in shock.
I'll get you a brandy.
A brandy?! Absolutely not.
You know I don't drink, Karen.
Well, do you want me to get Jess to do you a coffee? I'll have a whisky.
Er, I think they've got Bell's.
Is that OK? Oh, no, nothing blended.
I'll have a single malt.
Something like a Glenfiddich.
Or maybe an American bourbon if they've got it - you know, like a Jim Beam.
Or even a Wild Turkey.
I'm not really bothered.
Um.
They've got Jack Daniel's? Oh, no, that's not a bourbon, it's a sour mash.
Oh.
Is it true somebody died in your salon tonight? How the heck do you know that? It's all over Facebook.
How is it all over Facebook? There were only me and Geraldine there.
Bernard's brother Ozzy's on a tag, so he just sits at home all day, listening to the police on a scanner.
Cor, she's here.
Yeah, I know, I've seen her.
I don't mean Karen, I meanHayley Cox.
Oh, shit.
Well, you getting these drinks in or not? Aww, this is cosy.
Staff night out, is it? Karen, I was wondering, can you fit me nana in for a shampoo and set tomorrow? She died in 2006, but I know you're not that picky about your customers being alive.
Have you no respect? I'm sorry about last week.
I suppose you were bound to catch me and your Mike together at SOME point.
All right, Karen? You took your time.
Hiya, Geraldine.
You all right? You look like you've seen a ghost.
I'll get the drinks in.
Whatever.
I'll have a Pernod and black Some people have got no manners.
Yeah.
I've been ringing you all week.
Why did you deny it? What? I saw you outside with her.
I'm so sorry.
So? Why deny it? Because I was mortified.
YOU were mortified? She literally ambushed me.
I was hammered.
She's just tried to say it weren't the first time.
For God's sake.
That woman is pure evil.
Yeah, I know she is.
That's why I'm so upset.
I mean, of all people.
I knew we shouldn't have got back together.
Oh, don't say that.
Please don't say that.
I'm sorry.
II'm so sorry.
Please don't hate me.
Of course I don't hate you.
I just OK, kids, it's karaoke time again.
I've got to get Geraldine a drink.
First up this session, let's hear it for Mike.
MUSIC: Everlasting Love # Hearts gone astray # Leaving hurt when they go # I went away # Just when you, you needed me so # You won't regret # I come back, begging you # Won't you forget? # Welcome love we once knew # Open up your eyes # Then you'll realise # Here I stand with my everlasting love # Mrs Bookham, dead.
I can't believe it.
God rest her soul.
Would it be disrespectful to change the bog seat? # Open up your heart # Be the lasting part of everlasting love # Don't be so uptight, Karen.
Most of the men in Scarborough are shagging someone behind their partner's backs.
It's only sex.
You wish.
She must've left a corpse under the dryer.
# Where life's river flows # No-one really knows # Till someone's there to show the way to lasting love # Like the sun that shines # Endlessly, it shines # You always will be mine It's eternal love # Whenever love went wrong Ours will still be strong # We'll have our very own everlasting love.
# Oh, Marion, is everything OK? Mother, what are you doing? Well, Mr Ferris called in to ask if you were all right.
He said his nephew told him that someone had died at Geraldine's.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Well, you weren't answering your phone.
I'm sorry, but I was really worried about you.
No, it's OK.
Come on, let's get you Everything all right, Marion? Yeah, she's fine.
What's going on? No, she's fine.
I'll text you later.
Karen! I'll go with 'em.
My throat will seize up if I wait any longer for that drink.
# Open up your eyes # Then you'll realise # Here I stand with my everlasting # You don't remember me, do you? Isn't your name Pigsy or summat? I'm Barry Dixon.
You shagged both me brothers, Martin and Brian.
Well, at least I knew where to draw the line.
I think the only reason you've not shagged me is cos I'm single.
I don't think that's the only reason.
You are a slag and a home-wrecker.
That might be true, Pigsy, but what you fail to mention is I'm very good at being both.
Is this the one? What are YOU doing here? Is this the one? Him? You've got to be joking! Your name is Mike, yes? She just said no.
Are you stupid? What did you just say? Sorry, it was a rhetorical question.
What does that mean? Well, it's a rhetorical question.
A question that doesn't require an answer.
JACK: Thanks, Mike.
Great track there by Love Affair.
OK, next up, we have Scampy Andy with Bohemian Rhapsody.
As you know, I don't drink, but I've found a drop of Raymond's favourite - a lovely 12-year-old Triple Cask.
God rest his soul.
Marion! You're supposed to sip it I believe.
Bugger that.
I'm in shock.
Is it in the kitchen? I'll get it.
No, you sit down.
I'm not dead yet.
Unlike poor Mrs Bookham.
What a day.
Karen, you know Mrs Bookham? Yeah? Well, I've got something to tell you.
What? I did something wrong.
Something I should've told the police about.
Something I'll have to live with for the rest of me life.
You didn't kill her, did you? No, of course I didn't kill her.
What a thing to say! When I went to get her bag, when the police arrived Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I looked in it.
And? There was some money in it.
A lot of money.
How much? And you know how Mrs Bookham hasn't got any children, and Mr Bookham died not long after my Raymond, and, well .
.
I was worried it would just go missing .
.
the money.
And, well, Mrs Bookham, she wouldn't have wanted that.
You didn't? SHE GASPS What's going on? # I need love, love # Ooh, to ease my mind # And I need to find time someone to call mine # My mama said you can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # Love don't come easy # It's a game of give and take # You can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # Just trust in the good times # No matter how long it takes # PHIL COLLINS: # How many heartaches must I stand # Before I find a love to let me live again? # Right now, the only thing that keeps me hanging on # When I feel my strength, ooh, it's almost gone # And remember Mama said # You can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # She said love don't come easy # It's a game of give and take # You can't hurry love # No, you just have to wait # She said love don't come easy # It's a game of give and take.
#