Schitt's Creek (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

Moira vs. Town Council

Look at the state of this place, it's like we're in a Mumbai-an slum.
A year ago we had a staff of twenty-five working the grounds of our home, and now we walk by a mattress on the side of the road, without thinking twice about it.
Well, the good news is that mattress is covering up - the cracked toilet seat.
- Oh, John.
John, do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that Amfar dinner? I dunno.
"You are the life you accept for yourself.
" Those are Goldie's words.
Or something someone said to her in India.
Or perhaps she read it.
In any case, it has always stayed with me.
John, I will not accept this life.
And neither should you! Yeah.
I mean, would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?! I have a feeling if you want peonies, Moira, you're gonna have to plant them yourself.
These are dark times John, but not that dark.
I love how we can just be silent with each other.
I mean, I definitely feel like we used to talk more at the beginning, but um, it's good that we don't have to do that anymore.
Because now we can just express how we feel through silence.
- What? - Nothing.
What? It's just, you're talking about how nice it is not to talk, but you're still, talking about it.
I mean, yeah, I'm not a mute! Well, that is an understatement.
Are we having some non-fight fight or something? Because all I'm saying is that it's nice to not talk, but apparently I'm not allowed to say that?! No fight.
It's not a fight.
All I am saying is that you know, you need to talk about everything, and I don't.
I don't need to talk about everything, I'm just saying that, if I stopped talking, then who knows when we're gonna start talking again.
You know? - That way.
- Thank you.
Are those my mannequins? Yeah.
Well, where are they going?! - Oh, I sold them on eBay.
- Well, what do you mean? But don't worry, I'm using the money to buy other mannequins, ones that are a little less um - Fun? - Porn-y.
Uh, I also placed a few other orders.
Little things to scatter around the store, to give the space a more directional feel.
Oh David, I saw some cute little knick-knacks that I thought we could pair with the scarves.
- Where are the scarves? - Oh, I sold those, too.
Well, things are happening very quickly.
Now the candles, are they something that we would sell at a blouse store? No, those are just decorative.
Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand.
Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne.
To Alex's credit, "Curve Pour Hommes" hasn't been the look since '97.
Well, the look and the smell here's very "woody", very funky.
Now David, you don't have to sell all my things off.
You can use the company credit card.
Yeah, I used that, too.
Oh well then, save all the receipts, because anything you buy for the store is a write off.
The candles, and the jewelry stands No jewelry stands.
- No jewelry - Noooo! No, David! Jewelry stands! I have taken a moment out of my busy schedule, because this poor town is sliding into disarray.
There is a filthy mattress just lying on the side of the road a few blocks from here! Oh no, that's Dick Sinson's mattress, he's giving it away.
Ray, I have always seen you as a sensitive, cultured, man of the world.
- You have that striking accent.
- Thank you.
And I'm sure your family wanted more for you when they immigrated from - Winnipeg.
- Winnipeg.
We deserve more, don't we, ray? We deserve cleanliness, we deserve flower beds, we deserve better lives! - You make some very good points Mrs.
- Thank you.
But can I ask why are you talking to me about this? I'm hoping to take my complaint to council, and I've been told you'd be the easiest one to crack.
Too kind.
And I'd be happy to help.
Excellent! But unfortunately, I'm no longer on the town council.
I resigned a few weeks ago, too overwhelmed with my businesses.
But uh, you're more than welcome to take it to council yourself, with my endorsement.
Which won't really help, since I resigned.
Um, and council wasn't too happy about it.
I'm surprised you didn't hear, I talked about it extensively on my podcast.
I don't know how I missed that.
David, is that you? - Huh? - Hey! Look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines.
- What?! - Two men, back from the mines.
What mines? What's that mean? It's a figure of speech.
Um, I don't get that.
The salt mines! Back from when people mined.
- Uh huh - When miners worked in the, salt industry, they'd come home, after digging salt.
I don't know what it means! Uh-huh, you know I just got back from a four-hour shift that mostly consisted of me sampling luxury candles so Well, that's - that's a tough day.
Why don't you grab yourself a cold one? You've earned it.
Working man.
- Thank you.
- There's nothing in here.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh, I must've taken the last one.
You know, for what it's worth, son, I just wanted to tell you uh - How proud of you I am.
- Thank you.
I mean, you got this job all on your own, nobody had to make a call, nobody got involved, nobody had to pay somebody off.
- What? - And you're looking very, very sharp.
- Well - Is that a new sweater? Uh, it is.
Well, word to the wise, son, don't spend all your money at once.
- I thought you weren't getting involved.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.
Okay, what does "word to the wise" even mean? Word to the wise.
When you're speaking to somebody wise, you lis you're cognizant of what they're saying.
A wise person telling you Anyway, just-just uh, keep that in mind, and um Keep up the good work.
Thanks so much.
I'm just gonna use this now.
So Wake up sleepy head, nap time's over.
Honestly, honestly, I have no money, and an empty purse from two seasons ago! Alexis, it's me.
Oh my God! Your face! Yes, you can see it now! You shaved! Are you-are you crying? No! No, um, when did you do this? Just now, I felt like a change.
And you didn't talk to me about it.
About me shaving my beard? - Yeah.
- Okay, what would we have talked about? It's my face.
Um You'd have said, uh, "wow Alexis, I'm thinking about shaving my beard.
" And then I would've said, "hm, no mutt, I don't think that that's the right journey for you at this point in time.
" Well, then I would've said, "too bad.
" I shave like, every six months.
Okay, you try growing a beard! I was a beard for a very well known actor, and I get it, it's uncomfortable.
But your beard is like, my favorite thing about you! My beard is your favorite thing about me! - I said one of my favorite things.
- No, no, no, no.
You said, "favorite thing!" I just woke up, and you have a different face.
So there's just a lot going on right now! Yeah, tell me about it, I just found out that my girlfriend's favorite thing about me is the hair that grows out of my face! I'm just saying That I think that that was a decision that we needed to make as a couple.
Okay? We need to communicate more.
I really didn't think that "this" was a thing we needed to talk about.
I thought we had a deeper thing goin' on.
That's not what this is about.
This is about me being left out of the loop.
I do need to talk.
And maybe if we had talked more, I could have prepared myself for this.
Look at your little doll lips.
Thank you for installing the ramp at the post office But it's a little steep.
I've tried it twice, and both times, I've been sort of shot back into traffic.
Yeah, but see the thing with a ramp is, it's kind of a momentum thing, you really gotta you know, give it a Attention please, council! I have a concern.
I was just hoping to be interrupted by a concerned citizen.
Would you like to be added to the agenda, Moira? No need, I'm prepared to speak now.
Well, that just doesn't work, I mean, we have a list, uh Bob, just concentrate on the minutes, okay? I can tell right now you're behind.
Okay, typing is not my strong suit.
Ray could type without looking at the keys.
This will take but a moment.
I can't imagine you have anything more pressing this afternoon.
Well, actually, Jennifer had the floor.
You could've spoken up.
Excuse me.
David, if you're going out again, can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer.
You-you-it stretches, and then, and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That-that whole thing just fell off the roller! Wow, um, dad, you remember Stevie.
Yes, yes, I remember Stevie.
I know Stevie.
I knew Stevie was here.
That's why I came in with something funny.
Oh yeah, sure.
What's this? Looks expensive.
Oh, this is some new bedding.
David, didn't I just Tell you to save your money? Uh, yeah.
I am testing this out for the store, so work is paying for it.
Work is paying for your bedding? I was gonna leave, but now I don't want to.
What is that? Is that a new lamp? Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
- That's a write off? - Yeah.
Do you even know what a write off is?! Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Oh, and who pays for it? Nobody, you write it off.
Who writes it off?! I don't know, the govern The "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation? So if I need booze to get through my day, - I can just write that off? - That's a stretch.
But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off.
What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?! Okay, okay.
I am the face of the company.
If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store? That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off! Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so.
David, a write off is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income! Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?" It is! It is, you can't just buy things for yourself, and write them off! Well then, I'll return some things.
There's not enough space in here for the massage chair, anyway.
I should get back to work.
Just in case any more of your packages arrive.
I am here to address an issue that I believe Self-respect.
I don't think we can help you in that department.
I'm speaking about what we have allowed to happen to this town.
Everyone leaving their old things here and there, like some city-wide garage sale! I deserve better! We deserve better.
A baby born in a prison cell does not know that a toilet should not be in the same room as its bed, but we do.
I didn't know you'd been in prison.
What? No, I'm illustrating a point.
Okay, picture all of you living in a cave, having never seen the outside world And then I show up.
No, this is not what I'm trying to say.
What are you trying to say? That we should strive for something that sets us apart from the prison baby.
Greenery! We need greenery! Flowers, Boxwood trees! Two sets each for the cafe, and the motel.
And then a citywide clean up, and I will not take no for an answer.
Yeah well, I was actually just gonna suggest that.
Before you suggested it.
Thank you.
So there was just one baby in prison, or there were more? - Did you lose weight? - I shaved my beard.
Oh, I like it.
You look younger.
Thank you, Twyla.
That means a lot.
So, what can I get you guys? Um, what's the cake today? I'm sorry, did you just ask for cake? I'm not used to you ordering solid food.
Yeah, I'll just have a slice of whatever.
I guess I'm having cake.
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
I don't know, I just feel like something's changed with us.
What are you thinking? I don't know if anything's changed.
I think maybe we know each other better now.
Maybe that's the problem.
No, no, I'm not saying that there's a problem, I'm just saying that there are definitely a few things between us that need to be adjusted in order to make this work for us.
Like maybe I need to talk less and listen more, and you need to talk more, and listen less.
And are you willing to make these adjustments? Well Are you? - Uh - I brought two forks.
Just in case you wanted to share.
S Hmm.
Be careful on those stairs! Hey, next order of business, we install a ramp here.
- Hey! - Hmm? You really put Roland on the spot there.
I was simply exercising a basic human right.
Yeah, and I don't disagree with you.
I've always known you were on my side.
I wouldn't go that far.
But I will say this, usually these council decisions, they take weeks.
Oh, I won't wait for anyone's decision.
I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an "Artists Against Eczema" benefit within the hour.
You're a pain in the ass, but you get stuff done.
- A delightful compliment.
- Hmm, but those boxwood trees? Oh yes, two sets, and if you know a good ceramicist I would lower your expectations.
You're lucky if you get some daisies in a planter.
But good work.
- Thank you.
Eczema benefit? Yes, you try enjoying a puff pastry with everyone around you scratching.
Ew! Ugh! What's going on? I think Mutt and I ended things.
You think? Okay, here's a serious question: Are you capable of making an executive decision? It's done.
Um what happened? I don't know, like, we were talking, and then we just Like, didn't talk for a long time.
And that's it? No, and then we talked about why we weren't talking.
And then we both agreed that even though the sex was amazing - Mhmm.
- Like, amazing! There was this time in the barn where I climbed up onto this rafter But yeah, no, I think-I think we're good.
Yeah, anyway, we both agreed that we'd just been lusting after each other for such a long time that that's what we were holding onto, and not what was right in front of us.
- Which was what? - What? What was right in front of you? - When? - Okay.
So anyway, it's done.
And it's just really weird, because I've never felt anything after a break up.
- Mhmm.
- Like, nothing.
Like, I've been to doctors about it.
- Mhmm - But this time, it's different.
Well, that's good.
I think he changed me a bit.
Like he knows me.
I let him know me.
You know? I think I need a hug, or something.
W-you what? I need a hug.
Uh uh - David, will you please give me a hug? - Oh, okay, yes, yeah.
Did you get new bedding? Um, yeah, I did.
But it's a write off, so I don't Anyway.
David, Alexis! Could you come out here, please? David, Alexis! Come see this! - What? Honestly, John, it's not worth it.
Your mother has done something we can all be proud of.
Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? - Ew yeah, whose was that? - I have no idea.
No, that's not it.
Not it.
They'll never see it.
Throw it on the long list of things I've done for my children they don't appreciate.
Your mother had these boxwoods put in.
- Weren't those here before? - There was literally nothing here.
It was a wasteland.
Weren't there more plants here before? No, there weren't! And there are more around town.
Thanks to your mother.
That's great.
- Are we good with the plants, or? - Can we go? Yeah.
- Yeah, we're good.
- Okay.
Oh, there's the condom right there, David.
Ew! Eww! There seems to be a rumor going around about me.
I heard that one.
It's only because you converse with women easily and you dress so well.
I wouldn't give it another thought.
- What? - I'm sorry, which rumor are you talking about?
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