Schitt's Creek (2015) s02e07 Episode Script

The Candidate

- Good Morning! - Hi, Twyla.
I hear congratulations are in order, Mrs.
Thank you, dear, for what? Oh, should I not say anything yet? Well, you could say something, think of it as a clue.
Not say something about what? Your wife's big announcement.
Again dear, clue! - You running for town council! - What, excuse me? You're running for town council? No, I'm not running for town council.
Oh, I must've misheard.
Everyone was talking about you standing up to council last week, so I just assumed Never assume, dear, It makes an ass out of both of us.
It's not that absurd an idea, Moira.
You know, being on town council might give you an outlet to channel all that "passion" you have for this town.
I'd sooner poke my eyes out with hat pins.
Well, that's subtle.
Well, I think you would make a great councilor.
Well, the right person might be able to get a lot done around here.
The right person, John, wouldn't be caught dead in this, they'd be running somewhere a little more - What? - Moira Okay, maybe I should say somewhere less Less what? What's the word I'm trying to think of? Well, let's hope we don't find it, okay? Are we ready to order, councilor? You go ahead.
Have you seen my black shoe? It's a lace up, probably lost in the sea of your dirty clothes? - No.
- Ugh! What is going on here?! Why are your clothes crammed under my bed? It's just temporary storage, David.
Look at your things.
Look at your life! I have been distracted! Why is this wet? Ewww! Because I kicked over a glass of water that you left on the floor.
I wasn't drinking water.
Okay, so maybe it was mine, what difference does it make? - Ugh! - Oh my God! Ugh! Anyway, I need the room tonight, because I'm having a friend over.
What friend? Um Twyla, we're gonna have a fun little sleepover.
Mhmm You and Twyla? Yeah, we're gonna do face masks, and we're gonna talk about boys that we both know, and have dated.
Um, have you spent more than five minutes with the girl, one on one? She could be a serial killer.
Twy and I have tea together like, every day, David.
That she serves you at the cafe.
Because we're friends.
Oh right.
Um, so then where is Twyla going to sleep tonight? Because I'd say she could stay under my bed, but your disgusting clothes are all stuffed under there, So just wondering, where she'd sleep! - Stop doing that with your face! - Hmm.
Bob, now that Ray's stepped down from council, I gather his seat is up for grabs? "His seat is up for grabs?" I could say something pretty inappropriate right now.
Well, I'm hoping you don't.
No, but I could, that's a real set up.
Yeah, yeah, but I was thinking, if his seat There you go again! Could be filled by someone with real experience - Uh-huh.
- You see, I played a significant role in Gerald Caine's campaign.
Who's that? Well, he won a seat in the legislature, and now he's a senator.
Yeah well, town council might be small potatoes for a guy like that.
Well, not him, Bob.
Me! I'm talking about me.
See, I've worked on a number of campaigns, and I was president of the Video Retailers Association.
Sure, and uh it might be a nice change of pace from banging your head against the wall here every day.
Well, I'm not banging my head against the wall, but if I were to run, I'd need support from people like you.
Boy uh, so if you got this, that would mean we'd work together here at the garage, and on council? If I didn't know any better, I might think you had a crush on me! Well, that's That's funny.
- I'm only teasing.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
I don't mean to embarrass you.
- I'm not embarrassed! - You have no reason to be embarrassed.
- You're a happily married man.
- Oh my.
- And so am I! - Okay, gotta go, Bob.
Hey Twy, come sit! Oh, I'd love to, it's just I have a lot of tables right now.
Okay, well um, maybe we can hang out after? I was thinking we could have a little ladies' night at my place.
- Just the two of us? - Yeah! Come by around eight.
I'm working tonight, but maybe this weekend? Or are you with Mutt on weekends? Um no, because we broke up.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Although, part of me is a little relieved.
Since you did tell me to break up with him, and then you dated him That's so sweet of you, but I'm gonna be fine.
So how late do you have to work tonight? Um, until people leave, I guess.
And when do people leave? I don't know, after people clear out.
Okay, well when everybody clears out, you can just pop by.
You know, when I broke up with Mutt, I just took a lot of alone time to rebuild, and regroup, and I just, I think it's so important.
Yeah, and I'm doing the same kind of thing right now.
'Cause it's so important.
All right, good.
Because you know what they say, if you can't be by yourself, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
Mmhmm, I totally get that.
But call me if you happen to get off work early.
Twy? Call me if you get off work early! All right.
I know.
I know! - Hey, Roland.
- Uh-huh.
All right, so one o'clock, then? All right, terrific.
Yeah, no, I look forward to catching up.
Great, yep, you too.
Okay, all right.
Buh-bye! Sorry, Johnny.
I just had to reschedule my colonoscopy.
Well, I just stopped by to pick up a nomination form for town council.
You know, I gotta hand it to you.
Um It takes a brave man to face defeat yet again, when his ego is so battered and bruised.
Well, I don't plan on losing, but thank you for the vote of confidence.
Johnny, nobody plans on losing.
But with all due respect, this is a kind of a different playing field for you.
Roland, I ran the second largest retail video chain in North America, so Well, that's good to hear, so you're used to coming in second, huh? Could I get a nomination form, please?! Look I'm just trying to help you out here, okay? I've been in politics for 18 years, and let me tell you something, pal, it ain't a cakewalk, okay?! Say goodbye to your privacy.
You walk into a restaurant, everybody's gonna know who you are! Well, everyone knows everyone here, because there's only one restaurant.
I mean, just taking your boy for ice cream cone can turn into a media circus.
Well, your son is 30, and you never see him.
Could I get a form, Roland? Please? You know what? I'll do you one better, I'll give you the form, und your first signature.
- Oh, wow.
- There you go, how 'bout that? - Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
You signed under "Date.
" Yeah, like that's going to make a difference.
Rrrrrr! Come're, you! I'm thirsty! Exciting afternoon? - Thrilling, can't you tell? - What are you doing tonight? - Uh, I'm busy.
- With what? - I'm going out.
- With who? - Does it matter? - Where are you going? None of your business! Are you seeing someone? Not exactly.
Okay, you're sounding very sketchy right now.
I'm going to a bar to meet someone.
- Who?! - I don't know yet.
Ohh So she's going to a bar to get laid, then.
- I see - Uh no, she is going to a bar to have her needs met by some lovely gentleman she's yet to meet, who is cute enough to sleep with, but not nearly mature or stable enough to marry.
I want that.
Well, you can't come.
'Cause everyone will think we're together.
Okay, I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit.
I was being generous.
No, We're gonna be each other's wing people tonight.
Um now, how diverse is the clientele at this local drinkery? I would say very diverse.
I can't remember what life was like before dating apps.
I'm both excited and terrified for tonight.
I don't think I ever said you could come.
Okay, so what time, though? And is there a dress code? 'Cause I just want to come prepared.
So that I can meet somebody.
I'm in Room 7 in case you need me.
See you later.
This is gonna be so fun for us.
You know, it's uh It's a funny thing, there seems to be a rumor going around about me.
I heard that one, it's only because you converse with women easily, and you dress so well.
I wouldn't give it another thought.
What? I'm sorry, which rumor are you talking about? The one about me running for council.
No, that was about me, John.
You were with me when Twyla said that.
If this continues, I'll have to call a neurologist.
No, this is another rumor, Moira.
A rumor about me running for council.
From whom did you hear this one? Well, I-I don't know where it started, but the gist of it is I'd be a shoo-in, and could really get things done.
Well, there's no question about it.
You'd be a godsend to council.
Well, thank you sweetheart, I agree.
But they'll never know about it, because you have much bigger plans.
Yes, I know, well I see you go into the office every day, pistons firing, you are full of ideas, and you haven't told me what they are yet, but I have every confidence that they are brilliant.
Yeah, yeah Well, who says I can't do both? Moira, being on council could leverage our position - considerably in this town.
- It's not worth it.
You saw me struggle to get those modest planters for the motel.
Trying to council to focus on the simplest thing is like wrangling monkeys! Well, I can wrangle monkeys.
It's called running a business.
Yes, you could, but you'd be wasting your talents on these people.
Yeah well, that goes without saying.
Listen, I know it's a giant step down from anything I've done in the past, but Exactly, it's beneath you.
Well, I just worry that the people who were spreading this rumor might be a little disappointed, that's all.
Well, you can't worry about them.
- Hey! - Hey.
Are you waiting for someone? No, I'm just taking some "me time.
" Oh, okay I hope I'm not getting in the way of that.
No, no, you're good.
So, Stevie you're a strong woman who's alone a lot.
Like, I know you dated David, but everyone's allowed a mistake, am I right? You sound like my conscience.
Is it hard for you? Uh, is what hard for me? Like, being by yourself here? Like, you're just totally okay to sit here all day by yourself? That's why I took the job.
And while you're here, by yourself, you never get this almost uncontrollable urge to talk to people, or be complimented, or I know everyone in this town, so for the most part, I would rather be here by myself than engage in meaningless conversation with people I don't care about.
Mmhm And why is that? Because I enjoy my own company more.
Of course.
Of course.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? If I could just-okay.
Thanks, Jazzagals.
I just wanted to grab your ear for just a second, to make a quick announcement.
I will not be at rehearsals for the next two weeks, because I have decided to throw my hat in the ring, and run for council! Oh, Jocelyn! That's great! Oh my gosh! That's amazing! I'm currently running unopposed.
So that kinda takes away the excitement of winning, you know, but still, I think it's gonna be a real hoot.
That's so fun! Congratulations! Good going! Good for you! Thank you.
That's awesome! That's great! So Jocelyn, good for you.
Taking on a new little project.
Thanks I'm really looking forward to it.
You know what's funny, just this morning, Twyla asked me if I was running for council.
That is funny.
I mean, unless you're thinking of running.
Mm, no.
No, no.
- Can you imagine? - No! I mean, just because you've spent all your time trying to sell the town and get outta here, so.
Twyla dear, what was it this morning that made you say I would make such a great councilwoman? Oh, I just heard you were running.
- Are you? - No! I She's not interested in politics! Although I can see why someone might think that.
I certainly know how to command a crowd, and I've never been one to shy away from a good fight.
I don't think it's such a bad idea for someone else to run.
A little healthy competition never hurt anyone.
Yeah, a real election race could be fun! Absolutely, I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was just stepping into this, you know, because of Roland.
Yeah, I mean, if any of you townies wanna put your name on the ballot, I think that's just a great idea.
That's the spirit.
If Jocelyn can do it, anyone can.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Places! Don't you think? Hmm On a scale of one to I'm-gonna-get-beat-up by-an-angry-local, where do we see this look fall? Um, like, easy six.
- Okay.
- Where are you going? I am going to a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town.
And nobody invited me?! You know how at home I am at sketchy bars! Who are you going with? With Stevie, we're gonna meet some randoms.
So um, when I go missing, just feel free to tell people that the last place I was seen was at a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town meeting randoms.
Okay well, this isn't fair, David.
I'm the one who should be at a sketchy bar meeting randoms.
I'm the one who should go missing! - Well then, come! - I can't.
- Why? - Well, for one thing, this mask doesn't come off for another twenty minutes.
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
And second, I told myself that I would enjoy my own company tonight.
Okay um, well, we're going to a bar, and you're on the rebound, so text me when you're dressed.
I'm serious, David, I'm not coming.
Have fun, though.
Oh, and in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.
Um see you there? I'm not coming.
I'm not coming.
Hi, Moira.
How was rehearsal? It was quite an afternoon.
Oh John, thank you.
Listen, I just wanted to thank you - for what you said this morning.
- And what's that? When we had our little talk about me running for council.
I have to admit I'd given it a little more thought than I'd let on.
- Oh? - Yes.
I actually picked up a nomination form.
Really John, I didn't realize.
No, no, no, I'm glad you talked me out of it.
- Okay.
- Yeah, because I thought about the job, what it would entail, and you know, listen, Roland drives me crazy when he's not even around, - but can you imagine? - No! Working with him every day? Huh! I'm laughing about it right now.
Did you know Jocelyn is running? No, oh my God! This gets better and better.
So the two of them on council together? Is there a more frightening thought? They would have a virtual monopoly on this town.
Well, don't they already? Exactly, I think someone needs to challenge them! Right! So what are you saying? - That I should run? - No.
Because I did get five signatures on my nomination form, and I No! No, no, no, John, you've got enough on your plate.
- Oh.
- Whereas I have nothing but free time.
I'm not exactly sure where this is going.
John, you have the family to think about.
You're going to accomplish wonderfully big things.
Town council would just, hold you back.
But something tells me it will not be holding you back? It would be a few weeks of my time.
And you know, someone said it might be a nice project for me.
And would that someone be you? Jocelyn practically begged me to take the bait! So you're running for council?! - Looks like it.
- Oh well, isn't that wonderful! Isn't that wonderful! Hey, that's really good news.
I'm sorry, John, I just got swept up in it.
No, no, listen as long as one of us is running, okay? That's the important thing.
It doesn't matter which one of us is running.
I thought it would be me, but then you talked me out of it! But that's okay! Please John, I'm going to need you every step of the way.
And I'll be right behind you Moira, supporting you, because you're the one running, and I'm not! How long are we going to be doing this? Oh, just a few more minutes, at least.
It's not usually this dead.
It's like everybody saw you coming, and left.
Is this really what our lives have become? Sitting in some sad bar waiting to get laid? Well it's this, or the Internet.
Oh, I did have a match earlier.
Um who is 79 miles away.
Well, if you start walking now, you'll get there before breakfast.
Alexis is supposed to be meeting us here.
She said she wasn't coming, but this is a bar, and she is single, so.
Well, you should warn her that we are the only people here under sixty.
Yeah, it's not not brimming with options.
- Nope.
- No! - No, it didn't feel right.
- No, it didn't.
Well, at least we tried.
I agree.
Oh, uh, I notice that man is no longer sleeping under the pool table.
Well, I'm surprisingly good at pool.
- So - Hmm! Wait a second, is this like a reverse hustle, where you say you're good, but you're actually terrible? Um, I don't know.
Do you wanna break? Um, from what? Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Don't, David.
I have nowhere else to put stuff.
It's just a checkpoint.
Okay, I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg.
It's like a drive-thru, except everybody has a gun.
When were you in Johannesburg? I remember I'd just got my braces off, so You were 14, in South Africa?
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