Schitt's Creek (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

Milk Money

1 (Low hum of chatter) They call this a candidates' breakfast?! Well, it can't be, Moira, there's a woman in cargo shorts.
Twyla: Good morning, Mrs.
Here's your name tag.
Oh, bless you, dear, but a name tag does not go with this ensemble.
Oh, it's just so people know who you are.
Not that people won't know, when they see you in that outfit.
It's very shiny.
You're too kind.
(Sighs) Well, I'm glad you talked me out of the Mohawk.
I think these people deserve a little glamour in their political campaign.
I was always impressed by those masquerade key parties at the Sarkosy's.
Roland: Hey Johnny, good morning to you.
- Roland.
- How are 'ya? And Elvis! I'm so glad you could make it.
(Snickers) Excuse me?! Well, because you look like Elvis in that outfit there, you know, and but the early Elvis, not the - (Grunts) - Okay Roland, stop it.
Moira, all anyone can talk about is that outfit.
Hah! You are a hit! Huh, well no one has said as such to me.
It's just that, you know, what you're wearing is something that people around here aren't really used to, or comfortable with.
But that's what makes it great.
Oh, this is going to be a fun campaign.
- Yeah, I think it already is.
- Mhmm (Uncomfortable sighs) Credit Bob: Hey Johnny, you know I like to keep some milk in the fridge for myself, uh and I noticed it uh - Mm, some of it was missing.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, I do admit I used a bit of your milk, uh, to put in my coffee.
It looks more than just a bit.
I mean, the uh the whole bottle seems to be gone.
Well (Laughs) Well, it was very tasty, and naturally I'll reimburse you for it.
Alright, well, give me seven bucks, we'll call it even.
- Seven dollars?! - It's raw milk we're talking here, it's all natural, unpasteurized, straight from the cow's breast, to your mouth.
You paid seven dollars a bottle for this?! - Where do you get it? - Oh, Johnny, I I'm not giving up my supplier.
I mean, uh Unpasteurized milk is illegal.
Yeah, okay, Bob, you know, I get it, but we're not talking heroin here.
Okay well, you know, maybe you're used to being on the wrong side of the law, but I for one am not going to prison.
Gwen has already told me she won't wait for me, so I'm counting on you to be uh discreet.
Right, okay Bob, I'll keep it on the down low.
(Sighs) You know, if you expect me to drive you to work, it would be nice if you were ready on time.
I am ready! I just have to get my jacket, change out of these shoes, and grab my bag.
Moira: David? David! David, I have an urgent campaign related question: I am approachable - Is that a question? - Yes, the question is: I am approachable That sounds more like a fact that you're sharing with me.
Are you saying you disagree? With your statement? Um Well, Stevie actually is just about to drive me to work - Oh my God! - Sorry.
So um, maybe I could give that one a think? Stevie! Stevie! You're an average Joe Anne.
You must have an opinion.
- On what? - About my approachability.
Jocelyn seemed to insinuate that I am not at one with the people.
But I've always believed that you lead with your best foot forward, and the masses will follow! You sound a bit like a dictator.
Oh enough, David.
Stevie understands! I'm trying to.
Yes! As a strong willed modern woman, with a high school degree, you know how hard we have to work to be taken seriously! I actually went to college, but sure.
I would vote for you based solely on the fact that you wore this outfit to the café for breakfast.
David: You know, being approachable isn't that important anyway, The queen hasn't smiled since the 70's, and her birthdays are still very well attended.
Exactly! Wait.
What are you saying? (Motorcycle rumbles) (Idling rumble, engine cuts out) Nice bike! Oh my go ! Oh my god! - Ted? - Alexis! (Gasps) You look good.
Like, really good, like, super sun kissed, and muscle-y.
Thank you, I've been working out a bit.
And travelling, hit the beach pretty hard for a few weeks.
And boy, did it hit me back.
Good for you! I was wondering where you ran off to.
Yeah well, it's actually kind of a funny story.
Do you remember that couples vacation that I booked for us right before you broke off our engagement? Again, I'm-I'm super sorry about that.
No, no, it's awesome.
'Cause they actually gave me the "Broken Hearts Special.
" Three extra nights at no extra charge, as long as I could prove that I didn't actually make it down the aisle.
Hmm! (Laughs) Look at you, and now you have a bike! Yeah! Yeah, no, I got almost full price back for the engagement ring, and I've always wanted one of these, and it cost less than the ring, so Wow! So you're in like, a really good place right now? Yeah, well, the beach changes you.
Oh yeah.
How about you? What's going on? Yeah, I've just been super busy as well.
Yeah no, I hear that.
My day's been stacked, doing rounds to some farms, checking on the animals, and now some house calls, But I gotta say, it's a lot more fun now that I've got this puppy.
Pun intended.
(Laughs) Look at you! It's like if the "Sons of Anarchy" had a vet.
- (Laughs) - Yeah! Except they don't wear helmets on that show, Which I get, but, it's a little dangerous.
Anyway, it's great to see you, Alexis.
Ooh! Ahem! (Traffic rumbles) (Soft traditional Japanese music plays) - David! - Jocelyn! Hi.
Are you here picking up something for yourself? No.
No, I um I work here now.
- Oh! - So I usually just come here when I need to kind of freshen up my wardrobe.
I see, well, enjoy.
Just looking for a few things for the campaign.
A couple of pieces that might catch the eye.
Got it.
I've got quite the stiff competition with your mother.
- Mhmm - Of course I wouldn't want to create a conflict of interest for you.
Got it.
Well, I have brought in some pretty decent pieces to the store, you're just gonna have to search pretty hard for them, so (Rock music plays, diners chatter) Twyla, I was just wondering, have you ever carried raw milk in the restaurant? Um, that's illegal, Mr.
- Yeah.
- Between us, I had a bad experience with black market milk.
- Oh? - Granted, I bought it from a man who I later found out was a drifter.
Anyway, it made a lot of people sick, and I am almost positive now it wasn't cow's milk.
- Okay.
- It might've been elk's milk.
Is elk's milk a thing? I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm just looking for someone who sells raw milk.
From a cow.
That's a big business right now.
What's a big business right now? - Raw milk.
- Shhh! You would make a terrible drug dealer, Mr.
You're thinking about becoming a drug dealer? - Ugh - I mean, I get it, it's fast money, and no one would ever suspect you.
I'm thinking of selling raw milk.
I don't think that's right for you.
But selling drugs is?! Okay, I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk, and his entire compound was raided.
I mean, he also sold drugs, but like Well, I just think it can be profitable, if I can find a way to capitalize on it.
Um oh! I just saw Ted.
Ted knows a lot of farmers, so maybe he can point you in the right direction.
Oh okay, good, good.
Good, maybe you can uh, give him a call? Mm, I just feel like that'd be kind of awkward right now.
You know, your trail of discarded boyfriends, Alexis, is making it very difficult to get anything done - in this world.
- Okay! I will call him.
Good, thank you.
I'll call him right after my run today.
Oh my God, okay, I'll call him right now.
- Good.
- Um How much milk do we want? Well, let's say twelve pints.
And then, we'll see where that gets us.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hmm Does this print come in a different colour? Uh, theoretically.
Yeah, um is it You're look You want to have-you want that in another colour? Maybe? Unless you think that there's another top that might be better.
Well, I mean, there are other tops in the store.
Uh huh, okay well, maybe you could, without being specific, point me in the general direction of something that might be more suitable? Hmm.
Well, it's not really up to me.
Um, and I am supporting my mother in this campaign.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- But if I were you, um I might look for a a blouse maybe in in this general area.
Uh, maybe a-a skirt, and a jacket.
Maybe on this rack here.
But again, it's all - it's all you.
So Okay! Thank you, David.
For what? I didn't do anything.
Moira: Good afternoon, Jazzagals.
I have a great warm-up exercise I'd like to share with you.
Twyla: Oh! Okay, I think we're just waiting for Jocelyn.
Again? I don't know how anyone can one manage a town when they can't even manage their own time.
Well, I guess we could start without her.
Good! Because I was thinking we should get to know each other.
Well of course, you all do know each other already, But I'd love for you to get to know me.
Does anyone have any questions? Twyla: (Laughs) I am just trying to think.
Maybe this will help break the ice? Grace: We don't usually drink until after rehearsal.
Uh, unless of course the drinks are free! Jazzagals: Here, let me.
Open it.
(Keys jingle) (Lock rattles) (Door thuds) Alexis? What is this? The twelve things of milk that you asked for.
The twelve "things" of milk? I didn't ask for twelve "things" of milk, I didn't-I didn't say "things!" No, I asked for twelve pints! Is there one missing? - Alexis! - What? These are not pints! Pints are little bottles! Ohhh! Okay, 'cause I was wondering why would Dad order $300.
00 worth of milk? This cost $300.
00?! Yeah, well like, three-ish.
I don't hmm.
Um okay well, $394.
40, so I guess kind of closer to $400.
Alexis, what am I gonna do with $400.
00 worth of raw milk?! - Sell it! - To whom?! - To your customers! - I don't have any customers! Well then, why would you order so much milk? I didn't! You did! Okay, why are you yelling at me? Why am I yelling?! Ugh! I try and do something nice for somebody, You think I would at least deserve a "thank you!" Oh well, thank you, Alexis, thank you for ordering an insane amount of milk that I will never be able to sell! You're welcome! (Sighs) This is a lot of raw milk, Johnny.
Oh, believe me, I know.
How many times do you want me to apologize?! Well, try one, and let's see what happens.
Okay, I'm sorry you weren't more clear about ordering milk! Mm, not a proper apology.
Ugh! Okay, quiet, you two! You're scared, all right, I get it.
That's why you came to me.
We came to you because you have a truck.
And because you know if anybody can navigate the dark underworld of the raw milk game, it's me.
You said it was a milk co-op.
Uh, it is, but these raw milk guys can be loose cannons.
Just remember, if things go south, there's a loaded BB gun in the back.
Alexis: What is that? Roland: Oh my God, it's the cops! (Brakes squeal) Alexis: Don't stop! JOHNNY: No, it's nothing, it's probably an accident! Roland: I'm gettin' out of here! Johnny: Roland, Roland! Alexis: Stop, it's so conspicuous! - I know it's conspicuous! - Close the door! You're acting like I've never done this before! Roland, just drive, just drive! Drive.
Roland: Okay, okay, okay, I'm driving.
Johnny: Start driving, drive, drive, drive! Okay?! - Okay, I'm driving, I'm driving! - Alexis: Okay.
- A little quicker would be good! - Yeah.
- I'm driving, I'm going! - It's just a checkpoint, okay? I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it's like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.
When were you in Johannesburg?! I don't know, I remember I just got my braces off, so You were 14, in South Africa?! - Oh! Oh! - Hey Johnny, Johnny, Johnny! If this turns into a fire fight, um you're my human shield, and we'll use her as a bargaining chip.
Yeah, okay, well, that's not gonna happen.
Okay, I think the best thing to do is just blow through the checkpoint.
Yeah, we're not blowing through anything, Alexis! So then my Uncle Ralph marries his third wife.
What do you think her name was? - I don't know.
- Gayle! The man marries three Gayles! (Jazzagals laugh) Like didn't learn anything from the first two! - I mean, what is that?! - (Jazzagals laugh uproariously) Jocelyn: Sorry I am late, gals, it's just been a crazy day.
Twyla: Wow, you look amazing! Ronnie: Somebody went to the beauty salon! Jocelyn: Oh no, this is just a little refresh.
It's very very glamorous.
So we've scrapped the whole approachable angle, have we? Who says this has anything to do with the campaign, Moira? Lena: I love your top, where'd you get it? Oh, just a shop in Elmdale.
Moira: Colour me impressed.
It takes a real eye to find something of quality at a clothier in Elmdale.
Oh no, just a little bit of luck, and the right salesperson.
Any of that vodka left? Ronnie: Oh yeah, Moira brought plenty.
And here I thought you were against this type of campaigning.
Who says this has anything to do with the campaign? (Vodka sloshes) (Roland groans) Just remember, no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and not matter what happens do not tell them your real name.
- Uh huh - What?! (Roland pants, whimpers) Woman Officer: Turn off your truck, please.
Roland: Yes, sir.
Okay, who do we have here? Oh, um that's uh, Jennifer.
And then he's um Jacob.
And then I'm also Jacob.
Well, you can look at our drivers' licences, if you don't believe me! Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary, Jacob.
Yeah, I'm just joking.
We don't have drivers' licences.
Um No, yeah, we do have driver's licenses, we don't have those names on our driver's license.
Woman Officer: I'm gonna talk to someone else.
Jennifer? Actually, my birth name is Angelica.
We're out here today checking for illegal game.
Have you folks been hunting? Johnny: Hunting? No, no.
We don't uh, hunt.
I mean, there's n-no hunting going on here.
No illegal yeah, you won't find any illegal game here, that's for sure.
- No! - (Roland and Alexis laugh) So, what do you have there in the back? Um, actually, we're just taking some milk to a co-op.
What kind of milk? Cow milk.
So you three are dairy farmers? - Mhmm - Yes, yes, dairy farmers.
Hard work, hard work, 'Cause you get up you know, so early, but uh But we love it.
- We do.
- You farm in that suit? When the weather's good.
I'm gonna need you to pull over, Jacob.
- Jacob? - Jacob.
- Jacob? - What?! She wants you to pull over.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to the other Jacob.
(Truck rumbles) (David sighs) (Door creaks, slams) Moira: David? David, is that you? Yeah Will you come in here a minute, please? - Uh huh? - You've had a long day.
Come sit.
Don't be such a prickly pear.
I just wanna check in with my son.
My first born.
- (Sighs) - Mhmm So! You're enjoying that new job of yours? Um, it's a job.
So sure.
I was wondering what kind of customers do you get at a store like that? Different kinds.
Different people come in.
Are they mostly locals from Elmdale, or do people travel from far and wide to benefit from the expertise of a David Rose? Okay, well if someone is looking for my advice, then I am more than happy to provide.
- I saw Jocelyn today.
- You did? Mhmm, she looked very different.
Mostly improved, though I must say, I didn't like the matchy matchy skirt and blazer! No, she looked like an ageing stewardess from a Latvian airline! I told her not to wear the jacket with the skirt, so I don't know.
And whose idea was the hair thing? I-I may have suggested a slightly more contemporary look.
I understand, I understand.
It's water under the bridge.
Well I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Of course you were.
Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife? - A knife? - Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
Okay, well, that's a lot.
And when you pull it out of my back Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
you can plunge it into my heart! Okay, all right.
Plunge it into my heart! (Sighs) (Can rattles) Thank you, Jacob.
Have a good day.
Well, there it goes.
00 worth of milk.
I feel like this is partly my fault.
Partly?! Roland was the one who completely blew it back there! Roland: What?! Did you not see me playing that cop? Oh my God, she didn't know which way was up when I was done with her! The smell of this milk is making me super nauseous.
Oh come on, guys, let's not end on a down note here, this was a good day, let's end on an up note! Enough Roland, just get the cans in the truck, please.
Oh, okay.
I'll grab one.
Pick it up and put it on the truck! Yes! Oh okay.
Grab that one, put that on the truck, and then I'll organize the rest so you can grab 'em, and put 'em on the truck.
Someone has to find naked pictures of me.
Better you than a stranger in a storm cellar.
Nothing's coming up.
What search words did you use? Your name and "nude.
" Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.

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