Schitt's Creek (2015) s02e09 Episode Script

Moira's Nudes

1 (Doors creak, thud) - Well, how's that for timing! - What do you mean? We both stepped out exactly together.
We didn't time this.
I know we didn't time it.
- What's your point? - That is my point! We-we both stepped out, and we didn't know the other person was stepping out, at exactly the same time! Yeah, why are you yelling at me right now? Well, I'm just explaining the good timing of this, when no explanation is needed.
It's just, it's the good timing, it's Okay fine, I don't get it, but, whatever.
Oh my God, is that David? (Car rumbles) Oh Oh, hey.
David, where did you get this car? Oh, this car was paid for by my employer.
We felt I needed a more efficient way to get to work.
So she bought you a car?! It's a rental.
Do you think I'd allow someone to buy that car for me? Well, this-this is so great.
Thank God we have a car again! Um, very unclear on the "we" part of that sentence.
Yeah, your brother's right, Alexis, this is his car, not ours.
We don't have a car, and he does.
Okay, are you okay? Yes, yes, i-I'm just happy the Roses are moving up in the world.
There's a button missing on your jacket.
- What? - Oh ew, you poor thing.
Johnny: Are those turkey sausages? Yes.
Well, maybe, maybe I'll just sample one.
Everything okay over here? Yes it is, Twyla.
Just great.
If uh, if you could add this to our tab, that would be wonderful.
Add it to your tab.
Yeah, um What, is there a problem? Unfortunately, we can't put any more on your tab, Mr.
We have a limit as to how much you can charge on it without actually making any effort to pay.
Oh, I see.
So, here's your bill.
Okay, thank you.
Just uh Leave this with me, Twyla, and I'll take care of it um This afternoon, or tomorrow.
This afternoon would be great.
Well then, this afternoon it is! And if not, then you know, tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning.
Thank you! Alexis: Um, what is going on? Oh, nothing, nothing.
Nothing's going on.
It's just I've gotta move some money around, make sure things are liquid.
- How much trouble are we in? - Who said we're in trouble? I have dated enough Wall Street losers to know that "making things liquid" is not a good thing! No, no, we're fine.
We're fine, honey.
No, no, I just had to use my unemployment check this month to pay for all the raw milk that "we" ordered.
Okay Um, well like, what can I do? Just don't tell your mother, okay? Or your brother, I mean, they're too fragile to handle this.
And no one really needs to worry.
Well, you might wanna tell that to your face.
(Birds chirp) Oh you are here, thank goodness! Stevie, does this computer get Internet access? It does.
Please log on immediately.
Okay Jocelyn has made allusions to certain Sensitive photographs from my past.
Uh, are you sure you don't want me to just leave you to do this on your own? No, I can't type, and I don't care to relive my days as a secretary.
Oh okay.
Uh, just give me a minute, because we're only one small step above dial up here.
It's hardly surprising that Jocelyn would suddenly uncover these in the middle of a political campaign.
I suppose I just expected more from her.
Okay, there's a bunch of you with O.
And you with Robert Blake.
"The top eleven photographs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects.
" Well, that's not what I'm looking for! Why were you in a paddle boat with Phil Spector? And doesn't he looks good? That was the one time he let me play with his hair.
It was a sunny aft you know, I shouldn't have to explain myself.
Okay well, there's a bunch here that could qualify as incriminating, so Okay.
I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon, in the 70's.
I see.
Um This is really not in my job description so Why aren't they coming up? What, do you have some kind of childproof lock on this Internet? Hm, nope, that would make my job very boring.
Oh, keep scrolling, please.
Alexis: See David, this is what happens when you wash your face with a bar of motel hand soap! It's a zit.
People get zits.
I mean, I've always had clean, radiant skin, but I'm an anomaly.
It's not a zit, David.
I think it's just my anxiety clogging up my pores.
And forming zits.
Oh! Ohhh my God, no! - What is going on with you?! - I need to save this! Wait, you're gonna put that on your face, after it's been on the floor? I don't even wear good socks in here! Okay, there are things going on right now that you don't know about.
Like what? Like things I that can't talk about, okay?! I know about your dandruff shampoo.
That is preventative, and that is not what I'm talking about! Moira: David! David, please! Alexis: Hey! Wait, can you help me please? - No, I can't help you! - Can you help me please?! No! Moira: David, it's urgent! What is it? (Groans) Darling, I'm afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.
I'd argue that moment happens daily.
It seems that there are some nude photographs of me - on the Internet - Oh! And I would like you to search for them.
That's a real quick no.
Um, you can ask literally anyone else.
No, I tried to ask Stevie, but her computer is several years old, and apparently quite prudish.
If someone has to find naked pictures of me, better you than a stranger in a storm cellar! - Is it though? - What's going on? There are nude photos of me all over the Internet.
Um, are you sure you're not thinking of mine? Nothing's coming up.
What search words did you use? Uh, your name, and "nude.
" Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.
Okay, try "effervescence.
" No, I'm sorry, "small umbrella.
" (Keys click) No wait, "Siamese eels.
" (Keys click slowly) Alexis: Oh okay, no.
There was nothing.
I don't see anything.
You don't understand, we must find them, so we can then get rid of them! Honestly! Can no one find nude photos of me on the Internet?! (Door creaks opens) - Hey! - Hey! Um, could I have like, a glass of water, or if there's a tap outside, or like, a hose.
- I can get you a tea.
- Thanks, Twy.
Between you and me, I know how hard it can be to pay off debt.
My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but He made his choices.
- Mhmm (Door bell jingles) Ted: The amount of times that I run into you in this place is like, out of a romantic comedy.
I'm sorry, what? - Is everything okay? - Um Yeah, totally.
I mean, I have a pimple because I washed my face with dirty hand soap, but, no biggie.
(Giggles) Yeah, just don't look at it.
One tea, on the house.
- Thanks, Twy.
- No smoothie today? No, not today, I um, I forgot my purse at home.
Oh well, if you want a smoothie, I can get you a smoothie.
No, no, no, no, don't worry, because then I would have to pay you back, which is gonna be hard because my entire family is broke, and we can't afford to eat right now, so.
Oh wow, I'm sorry to hear that.
Mhmm, me too.
Well hey, I don't know if this is something you'd be interested in, but my secretary just quit, and if you need the cash That's so sweet, but I would be uncomfortable accepting free money.
No, no, you'd be working.
Doing her job, and I would pay you for it.
Oh! But there would be animals around all the time? That is generally what one can expect when working at a vet clinic, yes.
Hmm! (Car rumbles) Well, thanks for the ride.
We've really been taking advantage of those rides, haven't we? You know, I never thought I'd be in this situation.
Getting a ride home from work by my son.
That's the situation you never thought you'd be in? Um I need to go to Elmdale, so Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Working man! - Yes.
- Busy busy.
You know it's funny, it didn't seem that long ago that you were relying on me for everything.
Like when you were taking your harpsichord lessons, - and I would drive you.
- I was seven.
All the lessons that I paid for, - and schooling - Okay, what is happening here? Nothing, nothing, I'm having a little chat with my son, that's all, do I have to pay for that? Last I heard, you didn't have to pay You and Alexis, I've been getting some very weird vibes.
What did Alexis say? What did she say?! Well, she-she didn't say anything.
- Should she have said something? - No, no.
- What is going on?! - It's I've over extended a little bit this month.
Financially, I-I could use some gap financing, that's all.
Well, should I be concerned? - No, no.
- Well, how bad is it? It's pretty bad, it's pretty bad, and you know, this is so awkward for a father - to come to a son for money.
- Well, believe it or not, this is actually not the most awkward parent/son request I've gotten today, so If you need money, I can give you money.
Well, thank you, David.
So Oh my God! What are you doing? Well, I was trying to give you a hug.
- I-I get the gesture.
- I should've undone the seatbelt.
Okay, well then, let's just leave it at a gesture.
- Okay, let's just leave it.
- Um yeah, let's leave it.
- High five, son.
- Uh well, okay, okay.
- All right, okay.
So, I've been thinking about the job and I have decided that I am interested.
Great! But I would like to interview for it.
Just like everybody else.
Are you sure about that? Because I already offered you the job.
No I know, I just, I don't want any special treatment.
And it's really important to me that I feel like I really earned this.
Okay, uh, have a seat.
Okay Ahem! Okay! So Just a second.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Have you ever worked as a receptionist before? That would be a no, but I have dealt with a lot of receptionists before, and so I feel like I have the right temperament for it.
Okay, and how are your typing skills? Well, you've seen me text.
Mhmm and how are you at spreadsheets? Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there.
I'm loving this Q and A, but I think what's important right now, is my positive attitude.
And I don't wanna brag, but "Us Weekly" once described me as "up for anything.
" - So - O-kay.
Yeah, great.
Well, I think that's all the information that I need for now, so thank you very much for your time, and I will be in touch.
Thank you very much for your time.
- Did I get the job? - Yeah, yes.
You got the job.
Okay! Okay.
You're a really good actor.
(Laughs) Thanks.
You're welcome.
Moira: Stevie, I knew I could trust you to find them.
Stevie: The only thing is, if you want me to print it, our printer's not working.
Oh dear.
Yeah, all those online perverts should be put in a paddle boat, and sent out to sea.
No, that's not me.
That's your face.
Yes, it's my character from "Sunrise Bay," but it's been put on the body of what I can only assume is an Indonesian lady boy.
Ohhh! I thought maybe you just had a tan.
So this is it.
Yeah, I think so.
Um, I would really rather not dive any deeper.
No, it's not necessary.
Because I ended up in some really scary, dark places of the Internet that I would rather not revisit, so I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret.
It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.
You regret that embarrassing photos of you aren't online? No, I regret that they're lost.
They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was.
And I should've appreciated those firm round mammae, and Callipygian ass, while I had them.
If you're talking about your body, uh I think you still look amazing.
Then allow me to offer you some advice.
Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now.
You may currently think, "oh, I'm too spooky.
" Or, "nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.
" But believe me, one day you will look at those photos, with much kinder eyes and say, "dear God, I was a beautiful thing!" - Will I? - Mhmm.
Oh, and make sure you submit those photos to the Internet.
Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and tragically, they won't be there.
Okay, so how much money do you need? And please keep in mind that I had a negative balance in there last week.
Yeah, whatever you can spare.
You know, a couple hundred, three Four Okay, how much do you actually need, though? $560.
00 so my entire paycheck, then.
- What just happened? - I don't know.
It says there's an error with your pin.
- I can see that! I can see that! - All right.
- All right, calm down, calm down.
- I can see that! You only get a few chances here.
I just must've typed in the pin number wrong.
It's actually just "pin," you don't have to say, "pin number," that's redundant.
Okay, okay, wow, are you doing this right now?! Sorry, sorry, sorry, go ahead.
(Buttons beep) (Whirs) What is going on?! All right, first of all, just stop for one second, because you've only got one more chance at this, all right? So focus on the numbers! I know my number! It's the same pin number that I've had for years! The same "pin!" Okay, can you just take a take a big step! Thank you so much! All right, remember, this is your last chance! Arghhh! (Button beep) (Machine beeps) - What just happened? - Well, it ate my card.
- Well, press eject! - There's no eject on this machine! Well, what this? There's eject.
That's "cancel," that doesn't do anything! All right, press the green one! - I'm pressing "cancel," - Okay, nothing happens! - Well, press something else! - What do you want me to do?! - Get the card back! - We can't get the card back! - Why? - (Tapping) Wow! So I was able to retrieve it, and it looks like this is a new card.
Thank you, yeah, it is a new card.
Did you use the proper pin? Yeah, that's what I asked him.
Of course I used the proper pin.
I know my pin number, it's my birthday.
Happy Birthday! No, the pin number is my birthday.
He keeps saying pin number.
Did you start with the temporary pin that we sent you? What? What temporary pin? - Ah, see? - No "see!" None of that, listen! I phoned someone here, a teller, I think, who told me that I didn't need a temporary pin number! Oh, which teller? Because it's only me and Carol here.
It was a while ago.
It says the account was opened last week.
Okay, I just need to take out some money for my dad.
Um, because my family is in debt.
So if you could help me help him, that would be a wonderful thing.
Of course, I just need you to pick a new pin.
It's 7-2-8-3.
Sir, you just said your pin out loud.
So I suggest you pick another one.
- What about my birthday? - No! - It's easy.
- It's not easy.
Nothing's easy about this.
(Sighs) Okay, where what? I never saw myself having like, a normal job.
But I think it's gonna be kinda nice to make money and stuff, and like, help out a bit more.
You're working for your ex.
David, Ted wouldn't have hired me if he thought it was a bad idea! Ted also proposed to you twice, so I'd say Ted's decision making skills are a little suspect.
Okay, well I will have you know that I went through the same interview process as everybody else.
He asked me several questions, most of which I answered.
Oh my God! Well kids, you'll never guess what I just found outside.
My button! (Laughs) Things are looking up! Alexis: I have something for you.
Oh, Alexis, you didn't have to do this.
Open it.
Oh, honey.
"My deepest condolences?" "I know things have been tough lately, but I'm here for you, and hope this helps.
Love, Alexis.
" (Card and envelope rustle) Was there supposed to be something in here? In where? In the card? What do you mean? Oh, it's just the card.
Yeah, I thought you could use some support.
- So - Ohhh! - (Alexis giggles) - Wow! That was really beautiful.
And very generous.
- Thank you.
- Both my kids are generous.
And I'm one very grateful dad.
Very grateful.
Awww! Bring it in, big guy.
Yeah, I don't know if that's something I wanna do right now.
David, Dad's poor right now! He's not poor anymore! Because someone gave him more than a cheap card! - Okay, okay, that's enough.
- Okay.
Moira: What's-what's this about? I was just uh hugging my kids.
Why? - I found my button.
- Alexis got a job.
- Alexis got a job! - Yeah.
- Alexis? Oh, how wonderful! - Yeah! Wow Alexis, look at you! Just starting out on a shiny new future! Whew! Okay, good night, kids.
I'm gonna get changed.
Okay, sure.
You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
They say it's through our children that we stay young.
But I haven't seen much effort on their part.
You're still thinking about those photos.
Oh, I can't help it, John.
The last traces of my juvenescence vanished into thin air.
Well, perhaps they're not the last traces.
What does that mean? Why don't you look in my folio? Inside pocket.
(Gasps) Oh, you dirty dog! Well, what can I say? When did you take this? Greece, 1987.
Oh, I loved those earrings.
And that skin.
And that hair.
I'm no Avedon honey, but I would say you still look pretty spectacular.
And that's all that counts.
(Kiss) Now how do I get this on the Internet? John!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode