Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

Opening Night

1 (Birds chirp) Moira: David, this isn't funny! I have my first Town Hall meeting in an hour, where is my portfolio?! Uh, why why would I know where your portfolio is? You were bedazzling it last night.
Excuse me? I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22.
David, you were dressed like a harlequin, and you were gluing shiny jewels perhaps that was just a night terror.
Um oh God.
Okay.
Oh.
Well! Uh (Gasps) Hello.
Hi, uh, I'm-I'm Jake.
- Oh, of course you are.
- (They chuckle) - David? - Um, Jake, this is my mother.
Listen, I'm really sorry, I didn't think anybody would be home.
Okay, nobody was supposed to be home.
Nobody was supposed to be home, so You were supposed to be at lunch, why-why are-why were you not at lunch?! David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican! I came home from lunch because I realized - I misplaced my portfolio.
- folio.
So we're-I'm gonna we're gonna look for it.
- Johnny: David, - Oh my God! we're looking for your mother's portfol Oh.
Oh! Okay.
Hello, uh, Johnny Rose.
You are? - Jake.
- Yes, welcome, welcome, Jake.
I see uh, David's made you feel right at home.
- Okay, Dad! - John No, no, no, I'm just saying, carry on doing whatever you're doing, or not doing.
- Okay.
- I mean, I see things - No.
Got it, got it - are wrapping up here, so - so much.
- Oh my God! - Oh my God! - Alexis, this is Jake.
We seem to have caught the boys in a In an "afternoon delight.
" - Is that term still a going thing? - No, that's no.
- No, never say that again.
- Don't do that.
Um David, I thought we agreed, only when nobody was home.
Nobody was home! - Nobody was home! - Oh, here it is! Ha ha ha! Nice to meet you, Jacob.
If you take half as much care of our son - as you do your physique, - Okay! David should be in very good hands.
Yes, well, not-not your hands, - Mhmm, yep.
Bye! - but uh generally speaking Well, I hope it was worth it.
Okay, I think you can take a step outside.
You can step outside while this is happening.
Let him change.
You're like a predator! Um Cal: Okay, and so the last four digits on that credit card number are 6-3-1-2? Great, and the security code on the back? Bob, who's sitting at my desk? Your next big opportunity, that's who.
What opportunity? Well, Cal's doing big business, and since you two are sharing an office, uh, I thought you might wanna get in on some of it.
Sharing an office? You've rented out my office space?! Well, Johnny, you weren't exactly paying rent, and Cal's business is booming.
Cal: I should add that registration is totally free, there's no charge whatsoever for registration, there's just a small monetary And what business is this? Antivirus.
The guy's amazing.
Cal: Okay, you'll be receiving your CD-ROM in the mail within the next two weeks, and you'll know the software is working if you don't see any changes.
Bob, this sounds like a scam.
Far from it.
No, my-my computer was riddled with viruses.
I mean, Cal uh, he fixed it, over the phone! (Laughs) He didn't even look at my computer! That's how good he is.
Bob, I've got a meeting with a client in an hour, and I cannot be conducting business with somebody yammering into the phone beside me! Johnny, you're putting me in a bit of a pickle here.
You know, obviously I'd like to keep you both.
But there's uh a cardboard box over there, you know, if you do feel like you wanna you know, pack up your things.
(Birds chirp) (Bell jingles, door slams) (Gasps) Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Um, what are you what are you doing here? I just popped in to say hello.
Yeah, he came to say hi to me.
Oh yeah.
Um, and-and what and um how long have you been here for? Why, are you writing a true crime novel? I'm just curious.
Just curious about what you guys are what you guys are talking about.
About stuff.
Mhmm Is that okay with you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I should probably head.
I've got a ton of work to do, so (Laughs quietly) - Mmmm! (Laughs) - Bye.
Bye.
(Jake grunts) Unnnh! Ahh - I'll be in touch, all right? - Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(Door slams) What the flying (bleep) is going on here?! I was gonna ask you the same thing! - What was that?! - Uh, what was that?! We're seeing each other! Okay, we're seeing each other.
He literally came here from my room.
Well, he dropped me off at work this morning.
He what?! He dropped me off - at work this morning! - Okay, I get it! Um, he did not mention that to me.
And frankly, I don't know whether I want your sloppy seconds! Uh, first of all, who says they're sloppy, and second, who's to say we're not getting his sloppy thirds?! (Gasps) Who knows how many people he's got on the go at this point? Okay, well all I know is that someone is sloppy and it's not me! Moira: Well, hello, everyone! What time is curtain? We'll probably start in a few minutes.
Well, it looks like a full house out there.
Huh! So uh is this what everyone's wearing? Well, I might lose the jacket.
If we look to have given up on ourselves, how can we assure our constituents that we haven't given up on them as well? So we look like we've given up on ourselves? Could we remember please that these are real people, with real problems, people! And while I can't pretend to fully understand them, I can at least attempt to care! Places, please! (Car rumbles by) Um, okay, so I downloaded this app, basically so clients can schedule their appointments online.
It just saves me answering the phone.
Right, so then what will you do? Thank you for asking, Ted.
And here is my answer.
Um, my answer starts by me saying So, you two call each other? Hey! Um, about what? You're dressed the same.
Ah, never heard that one before.
- How are you? - I'm good, good.
Tennessee and I are actually goin' on a trip for a while, so Wow, like, Tulum? Or Uh, just gonna get in our car, and drive up the coast, let the road take us where it wants.
No plans, no phones, no schedules.
Basically my worst nightmare.
Sounds very adventurous.
Yeah, well, I just needed to get away for a while, you know? So uh, what's new with you guys? Well, Alexis came home to a naked man in her bathroom.
- Cool.
- Um no, it wasn't cool, because he wasn't actually there for me, which made everything very awkward, and uncomfortable for everyone.
Well, you're free to use the barn while I'm away.
You know, if you need some privacy.
I was actually looking for someone to water the plants, and check over the place, so Oh, well, thank you, Mutt.
That actually might be good for me.
Well, we're leaving this afternoon, so you know, just swing by and grab the keys.
That's very generous.
Is that weird? Daycare Worker: Parents are complaining that they're struggling to get off work early enough to pick up their kids, and so that's why we would like to extend the after school daycare program by half an hour.
(Applause) That's an idea we'll give some real thought to.
Spoken like a true politician.
(Audience laughs) Ah! Vivacity aside, our children's safety is no laughing matter.
As a mother who once invested a great deal of time and money into her children, I, for one, stand by the request to extend the hours of the daycare.
(Applause) One might think that an additional 30 minutes will have no impact, but you tell that to the mother whose manicurist just applied the wrong color, and must start all over again, or the father who got stuck in a mine! That extra half hour could be the difference between a child who gets picked up safely, and one who wanders the street, waiting for a dust-covered man to emerge from the darkness! We do wait with the kids Is that really what we want for our town? Homeless toddlers?! Tugging at your pant legs?! Okay Moira, I think you've made your point.
I assure you, council will examine this issue thoroughly and carefully.
Your children will be safe, that is a promise! (Thunderous applause) Moira, what are you doing? You undermined my authority! We were losing our audience! You saw the walkouts.
And on opening night! - This isn't a theatre! - Isn't it? Look, you can't go making blind promises to these people! This isn't "Sunrise Bay," where everybody lives in a perfect dream world! I'll have you know, Sunrise Bay was a coastal community plagued by a centuries-old curse! I hate to jump in here, but you told me I should use the bathroom during the break, and uh, the line's getting really long! - Go for it, Bob.
- Ohhh! Ronnie, you have whispers of a maternal instinct.
Isn't this issue important to you? It's not a matter of importance, it's a matter of money! Then find the money! Ohhh, okay, why don't I just tiptoe into my orchard of money trees, and fill my basket with money for you! And while we're at it, why don't I gather up some diamond carrots, and some golden potatoes! And I don't mean the kind of potatoes you eat, I mean, the potatoes that are made out of actual gold.
Okay, there must be some solution.
To the problem you just caused? I'm sure you'll figure somethin' out.
Oh, welcome to the show.
Johnny: Well, first, I wanna say thank you, Amy, for taking the time to see me today.
It's actually Amygrace.
Amygrace, well, apologies.
It's funny, 'cause I remember when our families used to vacation together, you were just "Little Amy.
" I've always been Amygrace.
Ah well then, just call me Johnnymichael.
(Laughs) You know, I-I'm very interested in your business, Amy grace.
It's been very fulfilling.
Yeah.
"Screamnastics.
" "Screamnastics," I read that's a combination of gymnastics and um screaming? Scream therapy, yes.
And extreme juicing.
Ah well, I'm a big juice fan myself.
Just so you know, Mr.
Rose, most orange juices have frighteningly high sugar levels.
Okay So, here's the important thing.
I believe this town could be the perfect spot for your next franchise.
Here's the issue, Mr.
Rose, I've been touring small towns, in an extensive market research trip.
And unfortunately, what we're discovering is that most "rural" communities just don't have the same interest in health.
Or wellness.
Or what we like to call, "Screamnastic inner/outer beauty connectivity.
" Well, I know a lot of people here who are very connected to their inner and outer beauty.
And even more who could use some of that "Screamnastic" connect tivity.
I love your enthusiasm, Mr.
Rose.
It's very "Screamnastic.
" Well, this town is very "Screamnastic," Amygrace.
Why don't we circle back in I don't know, six months, and see how things are going then? Yes, sure, sure, sure.
We can do that.
Tell you what, why not make it three months? Let's circle back in three months, and that way we might be able to open a "Screamnasium" by Christmas.
Oh, we don't call them that.
But it's been so great seeing you, Mr.
Rose.
And my parents say hi, by the way.
They were beside themselves when they found out what happened to you guys.
Well, we're okay.
We're doing just fine, thank you.
Anyway, you take care.
You too.
(Sighs heavily) Ahem! That's a nice chair.
Oh, hey.
Thanks! I'm just putting the last coat on it now.
- Ah.
- I think I'm getting a little high - from the fumes.
- Oh, that's nice.
Uh, we know that you're seeing both of us.
- So - Okay.
Wait, did you not know that? Uh, no, we did not.
I mean, when you kissed us both on the mouth we sort of pieced it together.
Listen, I don't want to cause any drama.
- We don't want any drama! - Who wants drama? Nobody does.
Some clarity would've been nice.
- You know? - Totally, yeah.
I just uh I assumed you guys were cool with it.
Yeah, I don't think it's a matter of not being cool with it, I don't think that's that's not what this is, it's um, what this is, is a clarity thing.
Yeah.
So you are cool with it? Yeah, I'm cool with it now.
I'm not not cool with it.
I don't think that was ever the thing, so I don't think anybody's not cool here.
(Scoffs) Okay, cool.
(Gavel bangs) Well, hello again, you beautiful people.
I would love to circle back to this matter of the extended daycare hours.
Although I made some excellent points, in the interest of a fair and balanced discussion, I will now argue the other side of the issue.
(Surprised whispers) One of my fondest memories from childhood were weekdays, between 5:30 and 6 P.
M.
That was our time! And we would've fought anyone who dared try to take it away from us.
So you're not extending the hours? Do we really want Big Brother programming every waking minute of our children's lives?! So is that a yes or a no, I - It's an absolutely.
- Absolutely what? Absolutely crucial absolutely crucial! Crucial that we approach-that that we entertain every - approach.
I don't - Ahem! We'll think about it.
(Audience whispers and murmurs) (Birds chirp) (Car doors slam) Alexis! What's what's up? Hey, it's you.
Um, we just came by to pick up the keys for the barn.
The keys to this barn? Yeah, Mutt asked me to just pop by, and keep an eye on the place while you are gone.
Okay.
This is just the first I'm hearing about it, which is fine.
If I had known you were staying at our place, I would've cleaned the sheets for you guys.
Oh no, we're not together.
You literally could not have said that any faster.
Hey babe, I'm just getting caught up here.
So, Alexis is crashing at our place? Not crashing.
It just caught me off guard, 'cause I didn't know that there was an arrangement here.
I don't know about arrangement, it just sorta happened.
You're the one who said you don't like to plan things.
Well, I like to plan things sometimes.
Uh, so Tennessee, Mutt tells us that you guys are heading up the coast? - Yes! - Yeah, we're meeting some friends.
We're going on a pinecone harvest.
Pinecone harvest? We're picking pinecones.
I got this old compass at a flea market; we're just gonna drive until we see the pine trees.
Hmm, that sounds like it is gonna be super fun and intense.
Mutt, you didn't tell me about Yeah, the pinecones.
So, we know roughly where we're going.
I'm pretty sure the compass is broken, though.
Well, I think that it's better to just freefall into it.
- Yes.
- Yeah, but like I said, it wouldn't hurt to bring a map.
Anyway, you pick the pinecones, and they harvest the seeds.
It sounds like this is going to be like, a very um, cathartic journey for you guys.
(Mutt sighs) - Here's hoping.
- Hmm! Yeah.
So uh, here's the keys.
And take care of the place.
Don't throw any parties.
Pinky swear.
Hmm, we should probably get going.
We were going to hit the hot springs before the sun sets! Oh yeah, definitely want to get a soak in, before you tackle the cones.
Which you must really be "pining" for by now! Okay.
Okay! - Well, safe travels.
- (Car door slams) Yeah, that was weird.
I will not be watering those plants.
Jocelyn: Hello? Sorry.
- Hey, Moira.
- Hi.
- Hey! - Hey, Moira.
Stay away from the Cafe, the olives are bad.
I found Johnny at the Cafe, he'd had a lot of olives, so I thought I would take him home before he had any more "olives.
" - Hello, dear.
- John, what have you Oh, John, you smell like my mother! Well, Bob kicked me out of the garage so Cal could steal people's money.
I think you can handle this from here, so have a good night, Johnny.
Okay, thanks, guys.
Oh John, I think you could use a nice, cold shower.
Well, I need something.
(Sighs) You and the kids are doing it all, Moira.
Alexis has a job, David's puttin' money in the coffers, you're on Council, making a difference every day.
Not every day.
You know what, I don't know if I'm looking after this family as well as I should be.
(Sighs) John, you're the only one holding this family together.
And that's the most important job of all.
You're a good man, John Rose, and good men always win! Not at this exact moment perhaps, you have an olive stain on your tie.
What's that? But just because no one is currently seeing all the wonders of which you are capable, does not mean that you are not one of the most talented people in this family.
Well, thank you, Moira.
David: Has he thrown up yet? - Oh, go to bed! - Alexis: It's six o'clock! - Goodnight! So, on a scale of one to a Sao Paolo hangover, how are we feeling right now? I wouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning.
Children, have some respect for your father's condition.
I'm feeling fine, Moira.
- You don't look fine.
- I'm fine! Okay All right, ready to order? Yeah, toast dry toast, and more coffee, please.
And I know it's early, but I'm kind of feeling like, a big piece of fish.
Mm! Um and I'll have a bowl of room temperature hollandaise sauce, please.
Oh, that's funny, very funny.
- Don't listen to them, John.
- Very funny.
Don't listen and pick a point on the wall if you need to.
Just a fruit cup for me, please.
Anything else? Um yeah, I would love to order something else, but I'm just having trouble seeing the menu.
Yeah, so um if we could somehow make it brighter in here? Okay, you know what, kids? Stop it.
Okay, well, I will be right back with the toast, fruit, fish, and sauce.
- Thanks.
- Perfect.
Have you no empathy?! Stop persecuting your father, we all know he's in a bad way.
No bad way, Moira, I'm actually feeling pretty good.
Well I, for one think we should celebrate your resilience! A toast! - A toast! - (Loud clink) All right, you know what, I'm sitting at another table.
Alexis seems to think you like me more.
Alexis, don't be ridiculous.
It's exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.