Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e02 Episode Script

The Throuple

1 - David: Oh my God! - Alexis: Ugh! Jeez, I'm not out the door yet! Hey, hey, David, isn't that your friend? Moira: Oh, I didn't recognize him clothed.
Yeah, I don't know what he's doing here.
You sure, David, 'cause I've got a pretty good idea.
Alexis, don't be crass.
David, is he here to s Oh my God, I literally told him to never come back here while you people were home.
So, I don't Um What are you doing here? Well, I was just in the neighborhood.
so I just thought after last week, we decided to avoid the motel.
Like, generally speaking.
Moira: David, what should we do? Should we be walking ahead, how far ahead should we be walking? - Uh - Alexis: I'm just gonna walk, 'cause I don't even care what's going on right now.
Keep walking, okay?! Walk, walk, walk! Um what's going on? (Door slams) Oh Okay, um, so you weren't here for me today.
Well, it's just a casual hang, - you know, we talked about it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's totally fine, I'm just I'm tasting metal, for some reason.
Um Alexis: Oh God, David, this is so awkward! Moira: What? What's happening? Johnny: Well, I don't think Jake is here to see David.
We can hear you.
Very clearly.
Stevie: Okay, He's early.
- I didn't know - No! No, no.
- Okay, sorry.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh - (Door slams) - Have fun, you two.
- Oh John, no! - Oh, right.
- Don't worry, David, I've been in this situation like, the most times, except I'm always the girl getting into the truck.
The least they could do is offer us a ride! Okay, let's move please, people! (Birds chirp) Twyla: All set, Mr.
Rose? Yes, Twyla, I think I'll have the eggs, and brown toast, over easy, The eggs, not the toast.
Comin' right up.
And I think I might ask for a Oh my God! What happened? Well, I went whitewater rafting, Oh no, well, that'll do it, I mean Anyway, it's fine now.
Yesterday it was this stabbing pain, but today it's more like a really intense throbbing.
Well, it's not urgent, not urgent.
I don't need coffee with breakfast, so.
I'll grab it right after I clear these.
Well, if it's not too much trouble? Doris: Can I help you with those? Oh, no, no.
Oh, you know, I can help, I can help with that, Twyla.
No, no, they say it's better to work through the pain.
- Really.
- Oh well, there you go.
If those are the doctor's orders No, I mean, I can help, Twyla.
I do have a bad back, But I-I can certainly uh - help out here.
- Oh! David: Uh, who picked through my cake, and only left the icing? Who eats the icing?! What kind of barnyard were you raised in, where you just eat someone else's food?! So you can share a boyfriend, but you can't share a piece of cake? I'm not sharing a boyfriend, Stevie and I are both dating Jake, at the same time, like sexually evolved human beings.
Oh, okay, because in my experience with throuples We're not a "throuple!" When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite.
It's just like how Mom likes you more.
That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship, thank you! Moira: David, lunch today? - No.
- Oh, okay.
Well, I'll dine alone.
See?! See what? Alexis seems to think you like me more.
Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.
I was sitting right here, and you chose to eat lunch alone.
That is simply not true! I didn't see you.
At first.
Alexis, I would be absolutely glee-ridden if you would have lunch with me.
No, no, no, no, no.
I wasn't actually You'll meet me at the cafe for their one o'clock sitting.
- Something wrong? - No! (Birds chirp) I should go.
Don't wanna set a bad example for the rest of the motel staff.
I thought you were the only one that worked there.
Yeah, that's another good reason to go.
All right, well, I'll drive you.
Mm, I think I'll walk.
I'm trying very hard not to repeat what happened last night.
Hmm, and here I am trying very hard to repeat what happened last night.
(Laughs) I meant you picking me up.
And David and his family.
Ohhh! Yeah, yeah.
Could've timed that one better.
Well, I guess that's bound to happen sooner or later in this sort of situation, right? (Sighs) I'm sensing that this whole setup is becoming a bit of a problem for David.
Yeah, he's just very fragile.
- He's like a snowflake.
- Yeah.
I just think maybe it's time he and I have a chat.
Oh! No! That's not I mean, that's not what I was implying! No, no, not at all.
This is a This is a good idea.
For him and for us.
Uhhh Here we go, Twyla.
Table Five, a Caprese salad, and a ginger ale.
Thank you, Mr.
Rose, I really appreciate this.
Oh! Yeah, it looks like the morning rush is finally dying down.
Maybe I can get the kitchen to whip up a fresh batch of eggs for us volunteers.
Roland: Uh, Twyla, honey, whenever you're ready.
- I'll be right there! - Okay.
Would you please pass me my crutch? - Not a problem.
- Unless No, it's right here.
No, I was gonna say unless you could possibly take their order? I just need to cash out Table Three.
Sure, no, I can I can do that.
You know, it's funny, I said eggs, but uh I'm gonna be ready for lunch soon.
(Both laugh) Moira: No, I hear your concern, it's just apparently what geese do.
No, it's not the town's problem, You're just going to have to watch where you step.
I don't want to hear the I don't want No, I don't wanna hear that! (Thuds) Okay, I'm gonna take an early lunch.
Twyla's got a broken foot, so lunch could take a while.
- You coming? - Yes, let me just get Oh wait, I don't think I can.
Okay, I didn't think it'd be such a tough decision, so No, Ronnie! I would love nothing more than to lunch with you today, but I believe I'm lunching with Alexis.
(Laughs) It's kind of a mother daughter thing.
Oh, a little bonding time.
Yes, and what's so wrong with that?! I don't know, is there something wrong with that? Well, just because my daughter and I don't do that sort of thing doesn't mean it's impossible! And I'm sure you'll have a really good time.
Yes, we will! We will! Once I break the ice with a provocative question or two.
And then there's the banter about the food, that always eats up some time, doesn't it? As long as you don't over think it.
Oh, no.
Ronnie! If you're still there when we arrive, might we perhaps push our tables together? Yeah, perhaps.
(Door slams) (Car rumbles) (Knocks) Hey! Um, you don't need me to work through lunch today, do you? Would that be to make up for the work you were supposed to be doing this morning? I took one tiny break to watch two episodes of "Scandal" with Mrs.
McCreary, while she waited for her dog! Why do you wanna work through lunch? Um no, I just thought you might need me, and um, I wanted to see if I needed to cancel this lunch that I have at the cafe with my mom.
No need, have lunch with your mom.
Okay, cool.
Um, I totally don't mind though, if you want me to stay.
Is everything okay with your mom? Absolutely! Why? Well, it's just you've offered to work through lunch three times now, and most days I can barely get you to come back after lunch.
Thank you, Ted.
No, everything's fine, it's just we don't spend a lot of time together just the two of us, which is why it's totally easy to just rain-check.
Isn't that all the more reason to go? I mean, I try to have lunch with my mom at least once a week.
And sometimes lunch will turn into dinner, because we get carried away chatting, and For sure, for sure.
Okay, well I guess lunch is free, then.
So I guess I will see you tomorrow.
Oh, well, there's still work to be done, so probably best if you come back after lunch.
Okay, but nothing during lunch, though.
Maybe? Tell your mom I say hi.
Okay thanks.
Well, I guess I was a bit premature thinking the morning rush was over.
- Yeah.
- Here you go.
Table five, seven and eight, and the big group at twelve, separate cheques, if you can.
Thank you, Mr.
And I've got a steak sandwich here with your name on it.
Oh, you shouldn't have! Just one thing before you start Yeah, steak sauce, I know, you read my mind.
Actually, I was gonna ask if you could take this to table four.
Oh! Yes, yes, I can.
And then I'll be back for that sandwich, avec sauce.
(Laughs) Here you go.
I didn't order this, I ordered the fish.
That's mine, the full combo? Female Customer: I wanted to order the fish.
Well, you can order the fish.
He told me not to, he said it was off.
The fish is off?! No, no, the fish is fine, it's just uh, you know, it was a bit fishy.
Female Customer: You know what, I'll just order the full combo instead.
Okay, but just to be clear, the combo is a cup of soup, - and a half a sandwich.
- Then what is that? It's the full combo.
- There is no full combo.
- He said there was.
Well, not-not in those words.
No, I said we'll see what we can do.
Well, what's this, then? That's just a soup and a sandwich.
But there is a deal, right? No.
- You said it was a combo.
- No, no, I said it was like an evolution of a combo.
But there's no deal?! Well, there is a deal on the combo, which is a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich.
So what's this gonna cost me? Well, I-I think we can uh, charge you for two uh, half combos.
There is no half combo! It's just a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich! Johnny, if I get the soup with the brisket, is that then the full combo? - Mr.
Rose? - Yeah, I'll fix it, uh, Twyla.
All right, just soup, and a sandwich.
(Sighs) (Clears throat) (Bell jingles) - Hey! - Hello! Hey.
(Kissing sounds) (Laughs) Hey.
I'm so glad we're doing this.
Me too! When your father comes over, just act like everything's normal.
Is there something not normal about us being here? It's not normal for your father to be waiting tables at a rural sandwich counter.
Eww! What's happening? He thinks he's working.
Just play along.
Well, can I get you ladies started with anything that is not a combo? Um, I will have a mixed green salad, and some chicken.
Me too, something in common already.
Salads, good.
And I will get the dressing on the side, please.
You'll get your dressing on the salad, like everyone else.
Hmm! Hmm.
(Breathes heavily) So huh, this is new.
Well, a lot more people are seeing my body these days, so I just thought I would What's going on? I just wanted to check in, you know, after that whole thing last night.
Was it a whole thing? I mean, I went to dinner with my family, and you had a romantic rendezvous with someone that we're both seeing.
- So - Yeah.
- That.
- Well, I'm fine with it.
Me too.
I just wanna make sure that we're still fine, you know, down the line.
Because what if things get complicated? What would make things complicated? Nothing! But the last thing we want is a situation where one person is breaking up with another person, and that person is hurt, because things have gotten complicated! Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.
And while I not-so-secretly love Avril, and have paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease, um, I don't know why we're Okay.
If you knew somebody was planning on breaking up with you, wouldn't you wanna be the one to break up with him first? Okay, if you think he's going to break up with you and you wanna be the first one to do it, I say, be the first one to do it.
Okay, I'm doing this wrong.
I need to be more direct.
Yes, by just telling him how you feel.
I think it'll benefit everyone.
- I meant you! - Me? I'm trying to warn you That you are going to be ending things with him.
And I appreciate that, but message has been delivered.
- Oh my God.
- Loud and clear.
- Uh - (Cell phone rings) Oh.
Okay, it's Jake, so um Oh, okay.
Don't worry, I'm gonna let you tell him.
- Okay.
- Hello? Yeah, no, I was just um I was just doing squats, actually.
Ugh! (Dishes clink) Mmm! Um, I love having salad for lunch.
It's just, it's not heavy.
No, well, a heavy salad might as well be a casserole.
Mhmm (Laughs) So, how are working at the animal hos- Uh, how is working at the animal hospital? - Fine.
- That's marvelous.
And uh, your daily exercise routine What are you looking at? - It's-well, it's a napkin.
- Let me see this.
You had to prepare questions?! I wouldn't categorize them as questions exactly.
"What's your favorite color?" - Black.
- That's one of the questions! It's right after, "how is your job at the animal hospital?" Is it a crime, Alexis, that I had so many queries for you that I wrote them down in anticipation of forgetting them? Well, you wouldn't need these if you were having lunch - with David.
- Oh, Alexis, please.
I wasn't even sure you'd show up.
(Scoffs) Why wouldn't I show up? You've never wanted to spend time alone with me.
There, I said it.
You never asked.
Bordeaux?! The trip I planned for the two of us? That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old! You could've used the spittoon, That's what the other children did.
But you weren't interested.
It was as if you didn't want to be seen with me.
Well, did you ever wonder why? To revel in my misery? No, it's because you were always being recognized.
- Yes - No! Not now.
Like before.
Didn't you enjoy the warm glow that Mummy's spotlight cast upon you? - No! - Alexis! If I'd known you didn't like the attention, I would've chosen to be alone with you, and not out in public, among the throngs of fans.
I don't remember throngs.
I never meant for you to think that I didn't wanna spend any time with you.
Well I hope it's not too late to make up for lost time.
(Sighs) Okay.
What is your favorite season? (Takes a deep breath) Awards.
(Crickets chirp) (Bell jingles) (Door shuts) Uh, what are you doing here? I'm meeting Jake.
To break up with him? No, I thought you spoke to him on the phone before? I did, he invited me here for dinner.
Uh - Hi! - Sorry I'm late, guys.
Oh, you both look amazing.
Muah! - Oh.
Hi - Hey.
Muah! - Mhmm.
- Sit, please.
Oh, okay.
No, I think there's been a mix-up here.
I don't think I should be here for this.
Oh, no, no, I think it's very important that you're here for this.
Okay, here for what? Johnny: Well, good evening.
David, Stevie.
- Mr.
- Hello again.
I take it we'll be dining together as a group tonight? Or will you be taking turns? Um, first of all, what are you doing here?! And second, we're gonna need a minute.
- So - Yeah, sure, take your time.
David, may I? Yeah.
I know this hasn't been easy on you lately, and that doesn't make me feel good.
And I know Stevie's been feeling it a little bit, too.
Has she? That's why I think there's only one thing for me to do.
Oh, I should go.
- No.
- Okay I think we all need to be in this together.
Now, you've been with each other, and you've both been with me.
Let's all be with us.
Let's all be with us? All of us.
- Mm, 'Kay.
- Yeah I don't think that's gonna work.
Stevie, we talked about this.
You talked about this?! You said you didn't want to make things complicated! Yeah, that's why I invited you both here.
(Sighs) Wow, okay.
Hmm, I think maybe I misread the situation here.
Yeah, I think that's a pretty accurate realization.
Uh huh! Might've done.
Okay, maybe it's best we all just take a step back from this.
- Okay.
- Yeah, maybe that's that's the best thing to do.
- Mhmm.
- Well This one's for you, Muah! - And you.
- Oh! I get one.
- Mhmm, Muah! - Okay.
All right, I'll see 'ya.
Ah! (Door slams) To be clear, you were going to go on a date with him, knowing that he had just broken up with me? No I wasn't.
Uh, you showed up for the date.
No I didn't.
You're literally here in the restaurant! Because I was gonna tell him that I was breaking up with him.
Ohhh, okay.
Uh, yeah, fine.
(Sighs) But if it makes you feel any better, nobody hates me more than me.
Generally speaking.
Fair enough, I would've done the same thing.
There you go Mr Rose.
This is your share of the tips.
Oh Twyla, I can't take any money.
I insist, you earned it.
Well, I have to admit, I haven't worked this hard in a long time.
I'm glad to hear it.
(Clinking) Although the things some of these customers can put you through! (Laughs) Oh, I know.
Joking when you're way too busy, trying to tell you how they want their food cooked.
I've experienced a bit of that myself.
Yeah, you know, I think maybe um you should keep my share of the tips.
That's not necessary, Mr.
No, just think of it as a little reparation pay.
Well, that doesn't even begin to cover it! (Both laugh) To not following too closely in her footsteps.
We're drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.
Off to a good start.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode