Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

New Car

What are these sad print-outs? They're for a proposal I plan on making to the family.
And what kind of proposal is this, Mr.
Rose? Are the police auctioning off crime scene vehicles? No, these are only examples, uh, for the proposal.
I think it's time we invest in a car.
I really don't see myself driving any of these.
Now, these are just examples.
Yeah, I would rather drive a scooter.
And we all know how I feel about scooters, those stupid helmets.
All right, let's forget the print-outs.
All right? I just think we could use a car.
Everyone has a car! Roland has a car, Bob has three cars.
Stevie has a car.
I want a car! Does this site have boats? Okay, here's what I put together.
- Is that a spreadsheet? - Yes, yes, it is.
And if you'd just let me finish the pitch the way I planned it, things will be a lot more clear.
Okay, well, I'm gonna need the car on Friday nights.
Absolutely not.
Meaning that I would get it Saturday.
We don't even have the car yet! Okay, we're just trying to work within your schedule.
Ohh! This is not your best pitch, darling.
I haven't even started the pitch, Moira! Okay, you know what?! I'm buying a car! End of story.
Where are you going? Here.
You know, really don't have to go with me, Moira.
Oh, I insist.
This is a big decision, and there's no reason it should rest solely on your shoulders, dear.
You know, I actually like buying cars.
And you're very good at it.
But, sometimes your choices are less suited to a family's needs, and more suited to a pony-tailed Lothario, cruising the Monte Carlo coast.
Or like um, Vin Diesel.
It's called style, people.
(Scoffs) And you're brimming with it, darling.
But each of us is going to drive this, and a car says a lot about a person.
Not that we can afford a car that says a lot about us, We did decide to only budget $4,000 of my money.
You know, he's got a point there, honey.
We can't be eating into the family funds.
Well, fault my over-zealousness, but I think I can We can find a zippy little vintage something on budget.
Not dressed like that, you can't.
You bought me this dress, David.
I know! And it cost twice as much as the car you wanna buy.
No used car salesman is gonna cut you a deal dressed in archival designer silk.
You know, he's got a point there, honey.
Yeah, says the moving target in the Bespoke suit.
Well, I'm not just gonna be wearing a suit today, David.
I've got a ball cap I can put on.
- Oh! - David's right.
But you know what? I could build an appropriate look to mimic the trappings of a workaday woman.
And if you'll notice, David, - no cufflinks.
- Wow! I am blinded by the disenfranchisement.
I wouldn't be surprised if they just gave you the car.
(Spoon tapping) Hey, sorry I'm late, there was very heavy foot traffic on the way over.
Do you mind putting these in Mrs.
Hertzman's file? Oh, hello! Who is this cool cat, and what did he do with Ted? Very funny.
Unfortunately, the alternative isn't quite so cool.
Oh my God, what happened? Did you get in a bar fight? Uh, you know, I'd actually prefer not to talk about it.
Okay Just for the sake of maintaining some professional boundaries.
Yeah, okay, totally.
You owe someone money.
Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think? Okay, then why are you being so weird about it? I'm not being weird about it.
You're entitled to keep things private from me.
Okay, fine.
I know that they are for the animals, but I find that when I get tired, just one or two kind of help me focus.
What are you talking about?! Anyway, um, secret or no weird secret, we've gotta cover that thing up.
I hope you're not into contouring, 'cause it's not really my thing.
(Birds chirp) So the low energy bulbs you installed in the bathroom, I'm finding the light to be very harsh, and um did someone die, or are we going through like, a mid-life Goth phase? Someone died.
Okay, I'm just finding the bulbs to make my skin look very jaundice-y.
My great aunt died.
Okay, I can't tell if we're still joking - or not? - I'm not.
Okay, and now I can't tell whether you're playing into the joke, or whether um - you're telling the truth.
- She was 78.
So you're not joking.
Um, well first, I'd like to apologize for everything I've said since coming in here today.
Why, you didn't kill her.
I take it you weren't very close.
I actually really liked her.
I mean, she was a mess, but I liked her.
That's probably why I liked her.
Anyways, it turns out I'm one of the few who did, because all of the arrangements have fallen to me! Oh.
Um, well if you need hel (Clears throat) I'd like you to finish that sentence.
Oh! Um, I am happy to help you in this time of need.
Thank you, as much as I appreciate your reluctant offer, I don't think you could handle it.
This whole thing is super depressing.
Okay, I think will be fine.
So I am happy to help.
That is what um, friends say to each other, right? Yes, it is.
Um so I'm just gonna change into my funeral blacks.
And um, and meet you back here, then.
(Door opens, slams) (Knocking) Oh, sorry, we don't want any.
(Laughs) I'm just joking.
Come on in! No, I'm not! (Laughs) - Johnny: Roland! - Just let him in, Rollie! (Laughs) Come on in! Thank you.
Entree vous, s'il vous plait.
(Laughs) - Hi, Johnny.
- Jocelyn.
Would you like to join us for a game of cribbage? We play every day at lunch.
That's right, and Fridays, it's strip crib.
Well, thank God it's not Friday.
Well, we can pretend.
Now, I'm not staying long, I just came by to borrow some clothes.
Ah, okay.
Honey, why don't you check your closet, and see if you got anything that Johnny can fit into.
Look, Moira and I are going to a used car lot today, and I just need to appear more um Official? Casual.
You see, I've got a closet full of suits, but uh, I don't wanna be taken advantage of because I'm overdressed, I need to look like I don't have money.
But you don't have any money.
Oh, I know I don't have any money, but I need to look like I don't have money.
Ohhhh, okay.
Here's what I'm hearing you say, what you're saying is you wanna dress like me, because I look like I don't have any money! I think I misspoke.
Well, that's what I heard out of both ears, one of them works pretty well.
I mean, anything that looks um, hip! I need something hip.
Hipper than these suits.
- Hip! Oh jeez, yeah! Now you're speaking my language! (Laughs) Hip we can do! What do you want, uh PVC, or a Hawaiian shirt? - (Car rumbles) - Funeral Director: Sorry about the mess.
We're in the middle of a move.
Now unfortunately, we haven't quite found your Aunt Maureen's ashes, but, we know they're here somewhere.
Okay, well, that's encouraging.
The problem is they all come in from the crematorium on the same day, and sometimes, they're not labeled.
Oh? Is it possible someone else picked them up? Unlikely.
I see your great aunt has a sister.
Yeah, they haven't spoken in 20 years.
- And a step-son.
- He's in prison.
- And a cousin.
- Who's also deceased.
- What? - I didn't know.
That side of my family has a bit of a reputation - for conflict.
- Okay.
And philandering.
- And fraud.
- Yeah And gun-play.
Well, I'm sure her remains will turn up.
But we should talk about urns for your aunt.
We'll just get this one, I guess.
Well, that's the shipping tube we pack the urns in.
Found them.
They were on top of the microwave.
Oh, that reminds me.
Can you get us some whitener for the coffees? Oh what have I been using? Okay, I'm gonna put that down.
And what about the service? Well, since it's just gonna be us attending, I think we can do without.
I see now, I know this may sound premature, but have the two of you thought about the planning of your own funerals? Okay I think we got what we came here for, so we-I think we can just thank you so much.
(Traffic rumbles) - (Moira laughs) - What? Well, if I squint, I feel like I'm seeing your rough and rugged country cousin.
Oh, and you feel confident you've hit the target with this?! I apprenticed costume design under Stan LaCoulier.
I'm sure he'd agree this toggery is the perfect tribute to the common woman.
Oh, John, look.
It's our car! Well, Moira, let's not pick the first car we see.
No, before David was born! We bought a car just like this, don't you remember? Well, I don't remember the "Everything Be Irie" bumper sticker.
Oh no, it's perfect! - Hello! - Moira! This car is $3,000 more than our budget.
I'm a trained actor.
A humble back story will disabuse this man of any notion we're too patrician.
Well, okay, but let's start by losing words like "patrician.
" Hey folks, how we doin' today? Oh, excited beyond compare! Yes, especially with this being our first ever purchase of an automobile.
Yes, it's our first car, let's hope we can afford it.
Yes, my poor 'usband, lost his job recently as a tennis pro, yes, at a public resort, that is, yeah.
Well, let's get you folks settled inside, we'll see what we can do.
Oh, thank you.
It'll be nice to get off the streets, and be indoors for a change, yeah? - Moira - What?! The truth is that, um We've-we've struggled with penury for quite some time now, well, just two years ago, we were practically 'omeless.
Where are you two from? You know, I've been wondering that myself.
I'm from London, I was one of two identical twins.
Tragically, I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian mobsters.
Mhmm, they looked at my fair skin, and my dazzling eyes, and they said, we'll make a pretty penny on that one, on the human black market, we will.
- And what about the twin? - What's that, love? Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable.
Yes, wouldn't you? She wasn't born yet.
Yep, she wasn't born.
'Til three minutes later, and the Bratva work very quickly.
That is quite a story.
- Isn't it? - (Woman clears throat) Um, excuse me, I I'll be back in a moment.
I think he's buying it! You think? - (Knocking) - Hey! These are for you.
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Lisa dropped them off.
- Oh.
- Hey! - Don't be embarrassed.
- I'm not embarrassed.
I know your little secret, and as your assistant I will be discreet, - and professional.
- What? No one's gonna know that you're having an adventurous little rendezvous with an apple-cheeked farm-woman! But that's not what happened! - Wink.
- (Sighs) I was making a house call to Lisa's farm, and got head-butted by her goat.
Is that when one of you is on the floor, and then the other one kind of just like hops No, uh I was head-butted by an actual goat.
And as a vet, that's not something that I want getting out, so please don't be thinking that this is something that it isn't.
Those are delicious, by the way.
She practically begged me to try one.
So I did.
And I also took a couple for David.
Um, yeah, you're right, this is a bit depressing.
Are we sure this is the right place? She was very specific about where she wanted to be scattered.
Um, so what are where-how Where should we do Well, I don't want people parking on her! - Okay.
- So Maybe I could just put her on the grass over there? Sure.
- (Sighs) - Ooh, it smells like cigarettes.
- Ohhh - Um do we scatter it all, or do we - save some for later? - Later?! - I don't know! - (Sighs heavily) This is gonna be me.
Well, theoretically, it's gonna be all of us.
Um, although I'm hoping that when I pass, there'll be a little more fanfare.
My great aunt worked at the motel.
Front desk.
- You never told me that.
- Yep.
So I just need to take up palm reading, get a few cats, move to Saskatchewan.
Well, a girl could dream.
You are not your aunt! From what I've heard, I wouldn't be friends with her, and I'm friends with you, so that's one major difference.
She made her decisions.
And you're going to make yours, and they are going to be different.
And they are going to be great.
And if they're not, I'll be sure to scatter your ashes in a much nicer parking lot.
I think I'm just gonna start pouring, okay? - Okay, so - Okay.
Not here, though! Let's go just over there.
Thank you very much for waiting.
- Oh.
- This is Sarah, this is my wife, and business partner.
Oh hi, is everything okay? Well, I hope you can forgive me, but I couldn't help overhear your story.
Oh yes, love, it's an inspiration to many, I'm sure.
And it sounded so familiar.
But then I remembered "Sunrise Bay!" My wife was addicted to your show! Well, I find it's wonderful, but we don't have a television, so.
- Moira - I remember when your twin showed up, and stabbed Armand with her sharpened crutch.
Okay, look folks, I'm really sorry, my wife was simply trying to fictionalize our very real financial struggle.
Okay, that was fun.
There's no need to be embarrassed.
We read all about what happened to you, - losing everything.
- It's heartbreaking.
- We didn't lose everything.
- Well Seeing you working so hard, just to shave a few bucks off that Lincoln, which we could do.
But now you're making it sound like some act of desperation, it was simply just an act.
Um Moira, they're just trying to help us out by giving us a better price.
Well, nonsense, dear, we can certainly pay full freight.
You save that discount for someone who needs it! Yes, okay.
Dear, look.
We really would appreciate any financial assistance.
Or perhaps we might have to take our business to a dealership that sells brand new cars.
As you can see, we can't even afford her meds right now.
I'll get the paperwork started.
Here we go, dear, here's the chair.
(Birds chirp) Hey, so I'm headed out, and I will drop off the flea shampoo for Ms.
Warner's cat.
Sorry, what did Mrs.
Warner say? She called to ask if you would drop off flea shampoo, and she also asked if you would wash her cat, but I said that you were too busy.
Uh okay, you know what, - I got this.
- I'm happy to do it.
Um do we even have flea shampoo? Uh, it's fine, I-I'll do it.
It's best if I do it.
No, it's on my way home, and I rarely offer to do things like this, so.
(Sighs) Heather Warner doesn't actually have a cat.
She like, thinks she has a cat? That's so sad.
But I guess she is like 50, so that makes sense.
Yep, she's 42.
And she's not crazy.
It's code.
(Laughs quizzically) I'm kind of seeing Heather, and the flea shampoo is A booty call?! Well, I'm not crazy about the term, but Ted, look at you, Little Sexy Susan! Okay, calling me "Susan" kinda takes the sexy out of it.
But I'm glad we were able to deal with this in a professional manner.
Ted, say hi to her cat for me.
- That's too far, Alexis! - (Alexis laughs) To Maureen Budd, and not following too closely in her footsteps.
So we're drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic? Mhmm.
- (Clinks) - Off to a good start.
Hi, I'm looking for Stevie Budd.
- I'm her.
- Hi, we spoke on the phone, I'm Elaine, from West, Read and Healy.
I have some personal effects that were willed to you, - Oh - and some documents for you to sign.
Oh my God.
When did you have this photo taken? That's not me.
That's Maureen.
Okay, well, just because you bear a vague physical resemblance, does not mean that you will end up in an apartment with newspaper for curtains.
Okay, this is not going to be you.
What is this? That is the deed to the motel.
Sorry? Maureen Budd owned the motel.
You didn't tell me that.
Nobody told me that.
I mean, I knew it was in the family, but I didn't know she outright owned it.
Was she of sound mind? Uh well, according to her will, she wanted you to have it.
Was she of sound mind?! Okay, this still doesn't mean that you are going to be anything like her! I mean sure, on the surface, it is a step in that direction, but, you know, um, okay, you know what? - Let's clear some of this stuff.
- Yeah.
Starting with the urn.
And I'm-we're gonna just (Engine idles, shuts off) (Door slams, keys jingle) You look like a contestant on "The Price Is Right.
" Well, it worked, because the price was right.
How much did you pay for this? David, it's not polite to ask what you paid for something.
It says $7,250 right there.
Well, that's way over budget! Well, that's not what we paid for it.
Well, what did you pay for it?! $6,000 quid, love.
- Oh God! - Thank you, Moira.
And it would've been a lot less, if your mother hadn't talked them back up! You can't put a price on dignity.
Uh, tell that to your outfit.
This is your outfit.
- What?! - Okay, look.
The important thing is, we now have a car! Is this a car for dead people? No, it's not a hearse! Look, this is a used car, so it's not perfect.
Were all the other cars on fire, then? It's very big.

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