Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

Driving Test

(Birds chirp, car door slams) Johnny: Well, what do you think of the new wheels? Do you want my honest opinion? - Or - You got your wallet? Um, I have my debit card.
And what about your license? - What about it? - Do you have it? It's fine.
It was a yes or no question.
Okay, yes, it's fine.
We're going up the street, I don't need my license.
David, we just insured the car, and you can't drive it unless you have your license on you, so could you go get it, please? (Sighs) It's expired.
- When did your license expire?! - I don't know! Like, last month.
Then you're not driving! Well, I drove the car yesterday! - Well, that's illegal, David! - Argh! You need to go renew your license! Alexis: Are you guys done with the car? No, we're just leaving.
Okay, 'cause it looks like you're getting out.
We're changing seats because David's license is expired.
(Gasps) Oh no! And it took him like, 16 tries to get it last time.
It didn't take me 16 tries! I failed the written test twice, and then took the driving test, and passed! And then your learner's permit expired, and you had to do the written test again, which you failed.
Oh, I remember this! You had to start from scratch, and you failed the practical two more times.
God! Moira: Oh, the poor thing has crippling test anxiety.
We all know that.
Who has the keys? I need the car.
Well, we're using the car right now, sweetheart.
David, would you drive your mummy to Town Hall, please? He can't drive, his license is expired.
Okay, I will drive.
You got your wallet? It's fine.
(Car doors slam) (Birds chirp) (Door slams) (Dog barks in the distance) - Ugh! - Oooh! So many boxes.
And most of them are filled with paperwork I have to go through, so I'm just hoping I contract some deadly lung infection from the dust before I have to open another one.
Um well, I wouldn't really worry about it, I managed several galleries, and never once looked at the paperwork, so.
It either all comes together, or it doesn't.
Did it ever come together? Um, I think we're getting sidetracked.
The upside is that you are your own boss now! Or I'm the owner of a very sad business with one under-performing employee.
Okay, what I find helpful when I get overwhelmed is actually taking a step away for like, 15 minutes to an hour, to um, to maybe two hours, and ah, helping people.
I feel like there's a request coming on.
Mm, not so much a request, as it is an opportunity.
I am looking for a very lucky person to drive me to my driver's test.
Oh yeah, that's not gonna happen right now.
Um, I guess you're right.
I should probably be helping you.
I would love to run some errands, or you know, maybe pick something up, I just-I just need a valid driver's license.
The test is this afternoon.
And I'm very anxious about it.
And need a lift.
Um you know what? I don't think this is a good time to ask.
Hmm, that's really perceptive.
Um, I'm gonna find someone with a little more time - on their hands.
- Okay.
Okay I don't know why you didn't ask me first, David.
I have my license in seven different countries, And I have my "F" Class.
Isn't that for transport trucks?! Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move! Anyway, it's not a big deal.
You just get in, you do what they tell you, and then you get out.
And wear your best hair perfume.
Okay, I don't have hair perfume, and not all of us can flirt our way into getting a driver's license! Okay, you try parallel parking in a burka, David.
No amount of flirting can get you out of that, trust me! Okay, the big difference is that nothing seems to give you anxiety, which is actually sort of concerning.
Oh, that reminds me, can you hold the wheel for a second, I need to check my phone.
Oh my God! I'll tell you what's not helping me right now! - This! - Hey, relax, David.
I once had a 7-year-old drive me around Mumbai, so I'm pretty sure you're cool to steer for a sec.
- Ugh! - Okay.
Okay! (Sighs nervously) - Breaths! - (Exhales) - Breaths! - (Exhales) (Exhales) (Traffic rumbles, birds chirp) (Door opens) Oh Stevie, I don't mean to bother you, but um, there's a leaky faucet in David and Alexis' bathroom.
And this is a pressing issue for you? Well, it's just that when you're in our bathroom, you can hear it clear as day, I mean, it's almost like it's happening in our bathroom.
But it's not.
So I'm just gonna finish this first.
- Hi.
- And Stevie, I'll need your telephone, please.
- Sure.
- Along with the number for a plumber.
The faucet is dripping in David and Alexis' room.
It's exasperating, the incessant tap, tap, tap Oh, it's so irritating, Stevie, it (Stevie sobs) But maybe this is uh not a good time.
(Sobs loudly) Oh, boy troubles, no doubt.
We don't want to intrude, dear, just when you can, plumber, please.
Or get someone else to do it, Stevie, because you are the owner now.
Yeah! And I don't know what I'm doing! Oh! None of us do, dear! We're all just muddling through, aren't we? I mean, look at John.
Why look at me?! I'm saying, even someone with a history of wild success can experience a downtick now and then.
Well, I didn't realize I had a downtick, Moira.
Just, I don't know what to do, do I sell the motel? Sell the motel? No, no! No, no, that's not something you should be thinking about.
- Mmm! - I mean, I can't keep it! Okay Stevie, allow me to get you a pill.
It's going to make you forget every last one of those irrational thoughts for at least two days! Yes, and Stevie, if you need any help at all, please, feel free to come by our room.
Well, I'll be at work.
But John will be there, implementing and strategizing.
And honestly, the drip is just uh, you know, a wish list project, lowest of priorities.
I'm-I just need a minute, and I'll do it.
- Sure, yes, of course.
- Oh, Stevie.
(French accent) Courage! (Sobs) (Door slams) (Groans) Whoa! John, you don't really think she'd sell the place, do you? It would not bode well for us if she did.
(Door slams) (Car rumbles) Okay, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car for 20 minutes, so that I can do my transcendental meditation before I fail this test.
Okay, you are acting all sorts of crazy right now.
This honestly does not matter.
Nobody cares.
Uh, people care.
I care, the driving examiner person cares.
No, he doesn't.
Trust me, people aren't thinking about you the way that you're thinking about you.
What does that mean? You always over think everything, and that's why you fail all the time.
Thank you, Alexis.
Well, it's true! Okay, just because everything falls in your lap, doesn't mean it falls in everyone else's.
What does?! - What? - What falls in my lap? Stuff! Things.
Things don't fall in my lap! Okay, I'm just saying, that you've always just gotten stuff, without realizing that other people don't skate through life the same way you do.
I don't skate through life David, I walk through life.
In really nice shoes.
And I'm sorry if that rubs you the wrong way, but maybe if you could just relax for a second, and stop worrying about everything, everything would be easier for you! And what I'm saying is that things haven't been as easy for me as they've been for you! Um, yes, they have! No, they haven't! And now I'm even more stressed out than when I got in the stupid car! Thank you very much for your help, Alexis.
Hey! I'm the one that's supposed to be getting out of the stupid car, David! The driving man's coming! Oh my God! David? Nobody cares.
- I got it! - Okay! (Sighs) (Birds chirp) Johnny: Hey, Stevie.
Good news, I fixed the drip in David and Alexis' bathroom, so you can check that off your list.
Thank you.
You know, to be honest it's more a temporary fix, I put a sandwich bag over the faucet, and secured it with an elastic.
Oh okay, won't the drips fill up the sandwich bag? Well, like I said, it's temporary, uh, but it might buy you a little time.
A little.
Ooh! A ledger? I haven't seen one of these in a while.
Aha, well, at first glance, what you think of say, charging for late check outs? Yeah, again, that would assume that we had guests to check out.
Well, there's a solution to everything, Stevie, and when that idea comes, it's going to appear so obvious.
Well, I mean, I did think that I could start charging full price to the long term guests here.
And sometimes it's the second or third idea that's really the keeper.
- Hey.
- Afternoon.
(Door slams) Oh, Moira's in early.
Oh, just catching up on my reading.
Well, we'll leave you to it.
Oh dear, that's a shame.
(Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk) That's a real shame! The old pulp mill in Elmdale, torn down.
That reminds me, I gotta check out the new pulp mill.
I hear it's breathtaking.
But surely the old pulp mill had its charm, and it was an historic landmark.
Where'd you find that article?! The old pulp mill closed down what, two years ago? Well, it just makes one think, might there be a building struggling in our town that could, with the aid of municipal funds, avoid befalling a similar fate? Like the library.
Gwen does all her internet stuff there, you know, she worries about people tracing her IP address.
I was thinking of another worthy landmark, the motel.
Oh, that sounds like more of a personal issue.
Oh, it's very personal, for Stevie.
The poor thing is a wreck.
Inheriting the motel, feeling lost and alone.
She even threatened to sell the place! A pitiable creature, that's what she is.
John and I, we both threw our arms around her, figuratively speaking, and we said, the people of this town, and Council in particular, will not let this business go under, Stevie.
For your sake, Stevie! I thought you were against giving town funds to heritage projects.
Yeah, when we wanted to restore the war memorial, you said we should avoid taking sides.
But this cause affects everyone.
We all know, or are, people who live in the motel.
In closing, I move that we free up heritage funds for the motel, effective immediately, all in favor, say Aye.
Ronnie, you're with me? I see that you're scratching.
Bob! You're making a note! Oh, just writing uh, "visit new pulp mill.
" Yeah, Roland got me thinking.
I hear the floors are so clean, you can eat your lunch off them.
I laid those floors.
(Phone buttons click) Okay, Derek.
You are gonna make a turn up ahead.
Uh, it's David.
Oh yep, sorry about that.
Um, I just didn't want you thinking you had gotten in the wrong car.
- Rose, David? - Yes.
Sorry, it's been a long day.
Um, so a left or a right? What? You said there's a turn coming up, do you want a left turn, or a right turn? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a left.
- Okay.
- But when I tell you to make a left.
Um, can I ask you a question? Uh yep, failure to signal will be counted.
Um, how old are you? - Twenty-eight.
- Mhmm, and is this like, what you would like to do for a career? Well, I uh, I DJ on the weekends.
- Ah.
- Why? So you don't really care about this.
Like, about me, in the car.
I mean, you care in the sense that it's your job, but you don't-you don't care about this, do you? I've done like, eight of these today.
Is that a problem? No.
(Birds chirp) (Key rattles in lock) (Adding machine whirs) Oh, there she is, back from council.
Any chance of a bailout? I was very persuasive.
And there were lots of questions, that shows engagement.
Good, 'cause even with just a little cash flow, I think Stevie can get this motel back on its feet.
- Excellent.
- Yes.
And if she can get let's say, a volume discount on paper products, or offer deals on last minute bookings, then Well, it sounds to me like we may not even need those funds from Council.
Oh, no, no, we need the funds, that's for sure, but I'm just saying, if she took some of my suggestions Stop! I want to remember this moment.
What moment? I haven't seen you this excited in a very long time.
No, I'm just thinking of Stevie, and listen, how much money do you think we can get from council? Well, now I'm wondering if that money might not just complicate things.
Look how much you've achieved with your back to the wall.
Necessity drives invention, and far be it from me to rob you of your necessity! Well, I'm not thinking of getting that involved, Moira, I'm just offering a bit of advice.
You've been looking for a project, John.
Well, not running a motel, Moira, that's a commitment Or not! Go! Go tell Stevie of your decision.
What decision? And I'll instruct Council to save their largesse for a more worthy charity.
You didn't get the money, did you? Go, John! Before the passion dies again! (Door slams) (Car rumbles) So I assume you got your license, and you're not just driving us home illegally.
- I did.
- Good.
I know.
And how was your tester guy, was he a monster? He was fine.
Slightly distracted.
Transitioning to a career as a DJ, but apparently none of the venues around here could handle his sound See? I told you.
He didn't care.
You never trust me! - Yes, I do.
- No, you don't! Yes, I do.
No, and you never take my advice.
And I'm always the last person you turn to.
What do you want me to say? Well like, what makes me different than Stevie or Mom? You trust them with stuff.
Okay, you wanna talk trust?! Stevie and Mom weren't running around the world for a decade and a half with random men, leaving me at home to wonder whether they were okay! Well, I'm sorry for having fun, David.
With a selection of very confident international men.
- But I was always okay.
- Were you?! Because I was the one at the consulate sending you temporary passports, and colored contacts lenses whenever you needed them.
I was the one at home, not having fun because I was constantly worried which East Asian palace Alexis was being held hostage in this week.
Not Mom and Dad.
Me! Well, you didn't have to worry about me.
Well, I did.
(Birds chirp) Ray: As your realtor I would take pictures, arrange viewings, dress each room with complimentary baskets of plastic foods.
Okay, and if we're going to do this, what would the timeline be like? The sooner the better, I have my camera in the car.
What's going on? Ray and I are just discussing Selling the motel.
I have to weigh all the options, Mr.
Yeah, I thought we talked about this? Ray came to me.
There's never been a better time to sell a motel.
It's a terrible time to sell this motel.
Either way, in reality, it's always best to tell the client what they want to hear.
Yeah, but I think selling is not necessarily the best way to solve a problem.
Maybe we should discuss this at a later date, or um, when Mr.
Rose has left the room.
Well, I'm not leaving, and Stevie's not selling.
I might be selling.
I-I can't do this on my own, so.
Well, maybe not on your own, but um what if you had a partner? Stevie, as your agent, I would advise against partnering with somebody who has no capital, no contacts, no industry experience.
Well, thank you, Ray, but I did run a big corporation, and I'm perfectly capable of handling this.
And I think it's something I wanna do.
Oh well, this is all very exciting.
However, if any of this falls through for any reason, perhaps one of the ones I mentioned, then do give me a call.
Well, Stevie's not selling.
- Here's my card.
- Yeah.
(Stevie sighs) You don't have to do this, Mr.
Well, it's not charity, Stevie.
I mean I'll take a percentage of the profits, if and when this place ever sees any.
You're actually serious? I'm getting more serious by the second.
Any help you need, accounting, sales, marketing Plumbing? Plumbing, yes, it might keep me away from the books, but Oh, thank you so much! Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh my gosh.
(Stevie laughs) Yeah I just feel like the whole session was rushed Like, there was no back lighting, or emotional direction.
Nobody likes their driver's license photo, David.
Okay yeah, I was just hoping I would get some options.
- Well - Ohhh! It's done.
Have you been in there the whole time?! The sink doesn't fix itself.
Moira? Kids? Check it out.
- Ugh.
- (David scoffs) Okay kids, give it a spin.
(Water splashes) You changed it so that the hot water comes out of the cold water tap? No, I fixed the drip.
- Now, turn it off.
- What are we all looking at? Um, Dad messed up our tap.
No, I fixed the drip.
Turn it off, honey.
It's getting hotter.
Okay well, turn it the other way, then.
Turn it off! Ow! Ow! It's burning my hand now! - I see steam, John.
- Okay, well, how do you turn it off? - It's a tap, just turn it off! - I turned it off! Good! Good! See? No drip.
I'm gonna go.
Ow! (Thumps)
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