Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e07 Episode Script

The Barbecue

1 (Birds chirp) All right.
(Door opens) Morning, David.
What are you all doing here? We have a surprise for you.
Judging from the looks on your faces, I don't want it.
- Stevie? - Stevie? Something arrived at the front desk for you.
Ah! It appears someone has something to celebrate.
Why would Patrick do that? That was my first thought.
Celebrating a monthly anniversary seems a bit of a reach.
But then Alexis informed us that this is the longest relationship you've ever had! - Four whole months, David.
- How 'bout that? Okay, this is not the longest relationship I've ever had.
I had a very intimate connection with Tony, for several years.
She was your pen pal, David.
She was in a penitentiary, dear.
Well, this calls for a celebration.
Now Roland just found a barbecue in the shed, so, I say you invite Patrick over, we fire it up, and have a good old fashioned Rose family barbecue.
- Yes, David.
- I mean, we already have dessert.
I mean, this would feed at least 10 people.
Okay, first of all, no one's sharing the cookie.
And second of all, Patrick is not being invited to a barbecue.
- Is he pulling back? - No! Has he asked you about an open relationship? Not yet.
Anyway, everything is fine, which is why I would rather not subject him to eating charred meat with this group of carnies.
Carnies are people too.
David, could you just once embrace joy? Okay.
Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to - Fall apart.
- oxidize.
- Oxidize.
- Okay, you know what? I think we're good here.
So you're bringing Patrick? Nope, Patrick's still not coming.
Bye bye.
(Sniffs cookie) Oh yeah, it's soft.
(Jazz music plays) (Door opens and closes) Do you have any idea what you've done? Take it the cookie went over well? I have told you for three months now, that I don't want a monthly anniversary gift.
And I know you think it's very funny, but this time it went too far.
It's a cookie, David, what's the big deal? First of all, a cookie is always a big deal, especially when that cookie just alerted my entire family to the fact that this is officially the longest relationship I've ever had.
This is the longest relationship you've ever had? Oh, I shoulda got you more than a cookie.
Okay, well the cookie was almost too much.
Figuratively speaking.
I ate half of it on the way here.
Bottom line, I just don't think we need to celebrate as much.
You know, we could just go day-to-day like normal people.
If we throw a if we throw a renaissance fair every month, I just feel like we might be tempting fate.
We are not tempting fate, okay? I can't speak to your past, but I think you might have an easier time of it, and maybe a little bit more fun, if you just learn to trust people.
The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night, and was literally never seen from again.
You have nothing to worry about, David, and I can return these tickets to the Julia Stiles-a-thon - at the drive-in tonight.
- Let me see those.
I agree, that might have been a little overboard.
Okay, first of all, let it be known that supporting Julia Stiles is never going overboard.
- Oh, so you can go? - Um, not tonight.
Tonight I have a thing, but tomorrow I could come.
What's your thing tonight? Um, it's just like a family thing at the motel.
It's like a nothing thing.
You wouldn't Okay, well tomorrow night it is.
Now I gotta go to town hall to get some signatures for our permit renewal, but don't worry, David, unlike the birthday clown, I will be back.
- He was never found.
- Probably dead.
(Bell jingles, door shuts) You just fill this out and I'll get ya checked in.
- Great, thanks.
- Hey girl.
Oh, you're talkin' to me? Yeah, who else would I be talking to? No offense.
What's up? Okay, so I wanted to get some advice, like girl-to-girl, 'cause you're always so good with boy stuff.
So David's at work and you had nobody else to talk to? What? That's So I got this message from Ted, and I wanted to get someone's your - Mhmm.
- Your, specific opinion before I replied.
Okay, so this is what Ted sent this morning.
I'm more of a bagel guy, winky face? Keep in mind we haven't seen each other in weeks.
Okay, so it was an accident.
Or, it was made to look like an accident.
- Okay.
- It's a tactic, Stevie.
You send someone a random text message to get their attention, and then the next thing you know, you're talking again.
- Who would do that? - I've done that.
Like a lot.
I did it last week.
This is why I choose not to be in a relationship.
Hey Alexis.
Rachel, sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but that's like the oldest trick in the book.
Texting a bunch of letters and saying your phone - was unlocked in your purse.
- Right? I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call.
Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.
That's actually how my fiancé and I keep getting back together.
Okay, Rachel, you're in Room 9.
Oh, actually we're just finishing up.
Um, okay so what do you think I should write back? Honestly I don't know anything about your relationship, but I do know that games only get you so far.
Unless you wanna end up like me, 6 months later, tryin' to win him back for the 50th time.
Having flashbacks of Zac Efron.
Isn't it easier to just be direct? Either way, you get an answer.
You're like super smart, and pretty in like a breezy, non-threatening sort of way.
Another successful girl talk.
(Door shuts, footsteps clank) You know, Roland, when you said you found a grill, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
What'd you expect Johnny, Benihana? (Laughs) No, there's no dials, no tanks, no side burners.
I mean I wasn't expecting a built-in wine fridge, but this is nothing like what I'm used to cooking on.
- (Roland scoffs) - What? No, I'm sorry, I just had an image of you cooking.
Come on, Johnny, you're talking to a grill master.
Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got License to Grill, I've got Working Grill, oh and I have Grills Just Wanna Have Fun.
It's gonna take more than a license to grill to get this thing back to life.
Okay look, um, I can smell your fear, okay? So why don't you go grab the meat and the briquettes, and I'll get this bad boy up and running for ya? Okay well, thank you, Roland.
And just so you're aware, this has nothing to do with me not knowing my way around a grill.
I've watched many a personal chef flip a burger in my day.
I've got the perfect apron for ya, Poor Little Rich Grill.
(Laughs) I'll get it made up.
(Laughs) (Quick footsteps thud) - I think so.
- I hope so.
It would only be fair.
Please tell me yes.
Uh, hi.
David, someone's ears must be a-flame.
When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back, and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks, and among various unmarked vans.
You did that for me? No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.
- David, blame me.
- Oh, I do.
Patrick was about to slip away with the signatures when I corralled him into a little lunchtime chin wag.
Yes, which is how I found out about the barbecue that I was invited to, but didn't know about.
Why didn't you tell me I was invited to the barbecue? Well, they only wanted to have the barbecue after reading what was on your cookie.
Yeah, sorry that still sounds pretty nice to me.
- Thank you, Pat.
- It is nice.
No one's saying it's not nice.
What I'm saying is - Yeah, okay.
- (Grunts) Pat, do you mind giving us the room for just a moment? - Certainly.
- Okay.
Somebody should probably be at the store anyway, huh? Lovely talking to you, Mrs.
You too.
(Door creak shut) What are you doing? I told you I didn't want to make a big deal out of this.
David you can't blame us for being excited.
Your father and I, we weren't involved in your past relationships, and from what I understand, it was one bungle after another.
I'm not saying there's a connection.
There's no connection, it's just a long string of very bad luck, and I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in a past life, to deserve it.
I must've been Dracula, or a spin instructor.
And what if we could finally tie a sailor's knot in that string of bad luck? Because after spending 5 minutes alone with sweet Pat, We're not doing Pat.
He sees you.
For all that you are.
Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be Oh, David, you have the opportunity to climb out of the quicksand that was your past, and stand firmly in the present.
Let us celebrate that.
(Sighs) Fine.
He can come.
And he's bringing his guitar.
- What? - Well, it was mostly his idea, you know, in case there's a rousing fireside sing-along? No, I draw the line at sing-along.
(Birds chirping) Whoa, geez, Louise.
(Light taps) Alexis, hey.
I was in the neighbourhood, so I thought I'd just pop in and say hey.
I was gonna send a text but um, I thought it'd be better if I just came in.
I'm glad you did.
I'm also glad I did.
It's good to see you.
It's also good to see you.
Okay, well I just wanted to say hey, and I'm here, and I got your text.
What text? The text.
Did I send a text? Maybe no? Maybe you didn't.
Did you? I'm not sure.
What, uh, what'd it say? Nothing.
I don't think it said anything, now that I think about it.
Um no something about you being more of a bagel guy.
- Oh my god, did I send that to you? - No, I don't think so.
- Oh my gosh, I did.
- Did you, though? I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to be sent to you.
Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to tell you to be careful because with those texts, those texts in the wrong hands, Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.
Heather, yes.
- You and Heath and the bagels.
- Yeah, she was just asking if she should pick up scones or bagels.
Anyway, now we know.
Now we know.
You shoulda just texted.
You didn't have to come all the way down here.
Well no um, as I was saying, I was in the area.
So, I just wanted to pop in and see the look on your face when you realized that you'd sent the text - to the wrong person.
- Ooh.
(Fake squeal) (Laughs) Um, hmm.
Um, hey I'm sorry if I haven't been in touch - as much recently.
- Oh my god, please.
Uh no, I should get outta your hair.
But it was good to see you, Mr.
(Laughs) That's a you-and-Heather thing, but now that you texted me, it's kind of like an all-of-us thing.
So, have a great afternoon today.
(Door shuts) Looking good, Roland! What time do you wanna fire this baby up? Uh, I dunno, probably about an hour before you wanna eat.
Oh, well I was hoping to eat around 8.
Where are we, Barcelona? (Laughs) - Uh, well then 7.
- Yeah, 7 sounds better.
- Honey, you ready to go? - Yeah.
Wait, wait, where are you going? Oh, Jocelyn and I have another one of those birthing rehearsals we gotta go to.
I just bought $100 worth of sliders.
Geez Johnny, thanks for rubbing it in - when you know I can't come.
- You can't come? You didn't say you can't come! You were bragging about being a grill master.
He really is.
Did you tell him about the aprons? Yes he did! And I was counting on him to do the grilling! You know Johnny, maybe you should consider calling off the barbecue.
Well, I'm not calling it off! I just have to figure this thing out.
Right, cut to (Explosion sound).
Well, we're not cutting to (Explosion sound).
Cut to, I've ruined my sliders! (Laughs) Cut to, how does this thing work? (Laughs) See, this wasn't as hard as you thought it was.
Rose, would you mind taking a few steps back? Oh, what you're gonna spray the briquettes again? Nope.
You guys want me to jump in? No, I think we've got it covered.
Oh, you do, oh great, 'cause I'm gonna get another beer.
- Hmm? - There ya go.
All right.
Well, finally.
Back at the old grill.
I'd say that one looks about perfect.
I was gonna say the same thing.
Specifically which one were you talking about? - Just this one, here.
- Oh yeah, that's the one.
Okay, should I save him? Oh they'll be fine.
Let's just sit back and enjoy the sight of our two strapping men bonding over an open flame.
Johnny: This one looks good, is this one cooked? Okay, so what else is new? How's the shop? - Hmm, thriving.
- Yes.
Which is shocking because as you may or may not know, I've struggled with group work in the past.
David, you are living an exciting new chapter in the book on tape of your life.
And you, you did this all by yourself.
Okay, just so you know, that's not really a compliment, but thank you.
- Oh my god, hey.
- Hi.
Um, so I took your advice, which in retrospect is weird considering we like literally just met.
Fair enough.
And? Turns out that text message wasn't for me after all.
His girlfriend was at a bakery, hence the whole "I prefer bagels thing".
So that girlfriend detail woulda been pretty useful in the conversation we had earlier, but still, I'm sorry.
Oh, I feel somewhat responsible.
Yeah, I can see that.
It's just weird because like, I'm always the one being chased.
I assumed that, based on your face, and body.
Right? At least you got your answer.
You know what, Rach, part of me feels like we were destined to meet today.
Well, that would make you the one good thing to come outta my day.
- Oh no.
- Yeah.
To be honest, I came here to win someone back, and it didn't happen.
So, my big grand gesture ends here.
Sleeping alone in some roadside motel.
Listen, it's not over yet.
Why don't you come with me to the barbecue that my parents are throwing? We can be each other's little little daties.
I would love that.
Thank you.
- That's it, watch your step.
- Yeah.
Okay, right, here.
There ya go, we make a good team, Pat.
- No, John, no, we're not doing Pat.
- No we're not.
Okay, we're not waiting for Alexis, are we? Because honestly, I could eat this tablecloth.
- Medium rare for David.
- Thank you.
You know um, this wasn't actually the first time that I've been put to work by the Rose family.
My first job in high school was actually at a Rose Video.
Get outta town! What branch? - 785.
- 785.
- Impressive late fees.
- Thank you.
Can you pass the ketchup, please? Okay, how did I not know that you worked at a Rose Video? Well, let's hope that you continue to surprise each other.
It keeps the relationship titillating.
Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship.
- Oh, can I though? - No.
Well, anyone with a glass, please raise them.
To relationships old and new.
(Approaching footsteps thud) Um, thanks for waiting.
Alexis! Just in time! Everybody, this is my new friend Rachel, she's having a bit of a day.
Patrick? Rachel, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for 2 days.
Wait, Patrick is your fiancé? Uh, I'm sorry you have a fiancée? No I I mean I don't now.
But yes, at some point I mean we we were Patrick, what's going on here? Okay, um, I just think I might need a sec.
(Sighs) David.
I'm gonna talk to you in a minute, we've got a lot to talk about.
Who is she? I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.
(Sighs) (Door opens and shuts) David, I-I need to explain a couple of things.
Um, what would be the main one, do you think? Rachel and I were engaged, but I called it off before I moved here.
Okay, you know what, you don't need to explain yourself.
- I think I think that I do.
- No, I know you do, that's just what I'm supposed to be saying in the moment, so, please continue.
- Okay um, we got together when we were in high school, and we've been on and off ever since.
I don't know we always just sorta fell back into it.
Anyway, she's been reaching out and expecting us to get back together for the past few months.
- Whoa.
Over the past few months? And you didn't think to tell me about this? You stood in front of me and told me to trust people.
I know.
When I was perfectly fine not trusting people.
Not trusting people is what I'm used to.
It is my comfort zone.
But next thing I know, there's an oversized cookie on my doorstep, and you are telling me that I have nothing to worry about.
I didn't want it to affect what we have.
Okay? And I mean it when I tell you that you have nothing to worry about.
'Cause no matter how hard I tried with her, it just never felt right.
And up until recently, I didn't understand why.
David, I've spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like, and then I met you.
And everything changed.
You make me feel right, David.
That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say.
Um outside of the "Downton Christmas Special".
- It's the truth.
- I know um it's just that my truth is that I am damaged goods, and this has really messed things up for me.
And I think I need some time with it.
All right.
(Light receding footsteps) Actually um, I haven't had dinner yet, so I'll grab ya a slider.
More than one, um, and some potato salad, and I think there were some other sides on the table, but I couldn't see, so maybe just a smattering of everything.
(Emotional) Okay.
(Door opens and closes) Woman on TV: I talked to Tony yesterday, he seemed very, very upset.
Okay, how long do you think before I can go in there? Well, I don't know, he had 6 sliders.
I'm assuming he'll be falling asleep soon.
My poor baby.
I told him he was out of the quicksand, but he's not, John, he's sinking.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
Okay, don't get me wrong, I feel super bad, and partially responsible because I invited Rachel to the barbecue, but at the same time, he's been watching that show for 3 hours and my phone's in there.
Well, you might have to go one night - without your phone, Alexis.
- Ugh! - (Knocks) - David! David! Woman on TV: I know he will, but what's gone so wrong between the two of you? What's so wrong that it can't be patched up? - You don't mean Yes, it's true! -
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