Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e08 Episode Script

The Jazzaguy

1 (Waking moans, sighs) (Text messages chime) Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off? (Text messages chime) Ugh.
What's bumpkin? What? Nothing.
Gimme that.
Oh my god, is this a dating app? It's an online social hub for rural singles, if you must know, David.
I signed Twyla up.
Well, why does it say Alexis you have a new match? Research.
I was testing the water for her, David.
Poor thing's clueless.
Well, Miguel says hi.
Why is he shirtless with an armful of puppies? Oh my god, we matched? His nipples are out.
Ted can't know about this, David.
Miguel's the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.
When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.
This is different.
I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.
How did you even match with Miguel in the first place? I swiped right, obviously.
Like look at him, David.
I didn't actually expect we'd match.
- You didn't expect to match.
- Okay, fine, I did, but I just wanted to see what would happen.
He's the only attractive person on here, David, what did you want me to do? Well, then go on a date with him.
- I can't.
- Fine, then don't.
- Okay, but I want to, David.
- Oh my god, Alexis, I am suffering romantically right now, and there was a minute when I thought I would never have to look at another dating app, and here you are shoving Bumpkins in my face.
It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.
(David sighs) - (Text message chimes) - He messaged me again.
He actually sounds kind of chill, David.
What did he say? - Sup? - Okay.
(Cart rumbles) Ready when you are, Mr.
Ready for what? We have a 1:00 reservation for lunch at the café.
Oh Moira, I completely forgot about lunch.
- (Gasps) - And I just gave Stevie the day off.
How many days off is Stevie allowed to request? Well, she'd worked 14 straight days, so It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so.
Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVD's to distract me.
Well, I don't know what to say, Sweetheart, I-I still have most of the rooms to clean.
Would it be too much to ask the guests to clean up after themselves? Hm, yes, it would.
It's basically the only service we provide.
Very well.
If lunch is canceled, I suppose I'll show up on time for Jazzagals rehearsal.
Isn't that something you should be doing anyway? Oh, there's so much time wasted off top, John.
Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi.
A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face! I promise I'll make it up to you, Sweetheart.
As long as we're tabulating scores, this will mark the 3rd time you stood me up this week, John.
(Footsteps clank) (Door opens) Hmm.
(Drapes rasp) (Grunts) Turn everything off, please.
- Why aren't you dressed? - Because I'm not going.
Because I'm too tired.
You've been sleeping for two days.
What's your point? I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't have the energy to go to a spa.
I know, I'm scaring even me.
Why are we going to a spa, again? Because you're having boyfriend issues, and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
I also have a Groupon, which I was planning on using with Jake, but I thought you might need it more, so, get up before I change my mind.
- I can't.
- Get up.
No! Oh my god, David.
Ah! This is really pathetic.
(Sighs) What kinda spa is it, and will there be treatments? You're a monster.
Twyla: Miguel looks so strong holding all those puppies.
Maybe I should get into online dating? Oh, I'm not into online dating, I'm just showing David how it works.
- So when are you seeing him? - Oh wow, no, I don't think that would actually be a good idea.
In fact, I might have to cancel on him tonight.
So you are seeing him? Technically yes, but like, he and Ted have this thing.
Oh, and Ted asked you not to see him.
No, he doesn't know.
Sorry, so what's the problem? I mean, Ted's not going on a date with him.
Yeah, I mean I guess there isn't really anything - standing in the way.
- So there you go.
It's just that I used to date Ted, and now I'm gonna be dating this guy, and it's just gonna be weird, and I don't wanna do anything to upset Ted.
So then maybe don't go on a date with this guy? It's just that there are like ten guys on here, and three of them are Ray.
Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula - Fat spat - Ah! John, what are you doing here? Is it David? Oh no, you can speak freely in front of the gals.
No, no, David's fine.
David's fine.
A little depressed.
Stevie had to force him into her car, but you know.
Then, to what do we owe this off-book sojourn? Well, I thought about what you said, and I didn't wanna fall into old habits, so I delegated the rest of the cleaning to Roland.
Sweet gesture, but was that wise? No offense, Jocelyn.
I was gonna ask him the same thing.
And that frees us up for a little date night, uh, after you've finished rehearsing.
Oh, where are you taking her? - The café.
- Ah! If that doesn't scream romance.
There was a time when this dusky charmer used to constantly whisk me off to ports unknown.
Gals: (ohhs) Actually Johnny, Ronnie could always use another baritone, why don't you join us? Oh, no.
No, I'm just here to show support.
So, as you were.
Oh, my husband, the portrait of self-effacement.
You should all know that this man's voice melted more than a few hearts.
(Laughter) Johnny, why don't you just come and join Ronnie? Oh, no, no, no! (Cheering) No, no, I haven't used the old pipes in so long, and I I wouldn't want to impo-o-o-ose (Cheering) Somebody just nailed their audition.
Oh, ha ha.
I've got perfect pitch, so do not mess this up for me.
- I understand.
- Okay.
(Door opens) Oh wow.
Is this some kind of sick joke? Yeah, um, so Jake and I found out that if you tell these resorts that it's your honeymoon, they usually upgrade your room and stuff, and give you free booze, but uh, We've never had anything like this before.
Lucky me.
Shoulda just told 'em the wedding's off.
So, Jake and his little pony are goin' on dates and having sexy honeymoon weekends? No, only sometimes, when it's necessary.
So you're in love then.
You're like falling in love with Jake.
It's impossible to be in love with Jake, only Jake is in love with Jake.
He's just really good at celebrating my body.
So, I'm keepin' him around.
Have you heard from Patrick? (Sighs) We're taking some time to regroup at the moment.
Feeling very raw right now, you know? Um, it's just like a lot of emotional triggers.
Like that? So, thank you for saving me from myself because one more day at that motel and I think things would've gotten very dark.
No problem.
Just put this on.
Okay I'm not playing into your fraudulent behaviour.
You still want the free booze, right? Gimme the ring.
Can't believe I caught that.
Do do do do I feel so far away 1, 2, 3, 4! I feel so far away When we're takin' it home takin' it home - Takin' it home! - (Deep) Yeah.
(Cheering) Woo! - Not bad.
Not bad.
- Oh thank you, Ronnie.
Oh John, a near-perfect return to form.
I thought it was really great.
Ah, Mrs.
Rose, I didn't know there were two singers in the family.
Well, professionally speaking there's still only one.
But I do applaud the vigor with which you embrace recreational activities such as this, Mr.
Well, anything to spend a little more time with my special little songbird.
Gals: (ahs) Ooh, Okay ladies, if you don't mind, I'm going to allow my husband to steal me away, for a modest repast across the avenue.
And I should get back for my shift.
And we're still going for post-rehearsal mocktails, right ladies? I dunno about anybody else, but I am drinkin'.
So we're all headed in the same direction? Jocelyn: It looks like it.
I'll get out the fancy martini glasses.
Fun! Boy, we never did this back in the Rose Video days, did we? No, but I'm sure we had our reasons.
(Muffled music plays) (Pool balls clatter) (Low hum of chatter) - Alexis.
- Yes? - Miguel.
- Oh my gosh, hey.
I didn't recognize you without your nipples.
- Huh? - The puppies the um, the cute little puppies that you love to photograph yourself with.
Ha ha, yeah, yeah, I left them at home.
The puppies.
Brought the nipples.
- Oh good.
Not about the nipples, um, about the puppies.
- Right.
- So anyway, how are you? Uh good.
Good, good.
I'm just really glad we could make this work.
Champagne? Uh, they serve champagne here? I believe it's called Zhampagne, it's from the very famous Zhampagne region of France.
- Can't wait to try it.
- Mm-hmm.
(Rock music plays) - Hmm.
- So, um, how long you been on the app? Uh, oh I'm not.
Well I am, but I just downloaded it to show a friend.
Well, worked out well for me.
Someone's a smooth talker.
(Laughs) - No.
- This is a relief.
I um, I was actually thinking about not coming.
What was holding you back? Uh, I dunno, just like am I ready for this, and I'm not even on the app, so like should I be using it? Right.
I just like making careful choices.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just glad that you you could come out tonight.
Um, (Clears throat) to careful choices.
To that.
(Glasses clink) (Soft piano music plays) (Low hum of patron chatter) Okay, everybody.
(Applause) Hi.
I'm Bobbie, and I am so excited to be your waitress.
We just love honeymooners here at Crystal Elms.
Please, right this way.
Here you go.
- Oh my god.
- Thank you.
Okay, and I will be right back with your menus.
- No.
Absolutely not.
- Okay, and I completely understand.
Um, I just worry that if we don't put the hats on, that the other guests will inevitably force us to.
So, turns out we are not the only ones celebrating the bride and groom.
This is from a Patrick.
Says, "have fun, enjoy the night.
Thinking about you.
" Oh, wow, that is just very sweet.
And I can assure you that a fun night is guaranteed after a bottle of this.
Right? (Click tongue) Yeah, she gets it.
Did our waitress just make a sex reference? I mean, I don't think that's really surprising at this point.
Um, so you obviously have spoken to Patrick since he knows we're here.
Okay um, we may have been texting.
He's covering for me at work.
And these, these are our complimentary lovebird wings.
They are chicken, not actual lovebirds.
Uh, and oh, the special tonight is a lover's curry.
So, I will be back, and I will take your order.
Okay so.
Oh, wow.
- Oh, one more.
- Oh my god.
(Laughs) Sorry, you were saying? Um, how did you get so good at this? Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
- Right, right.
Wait, what? - That was fun.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I don't uh you know, I don't get to date a lot.
Busy schedule and and whatnot, but there is just something about you, you know - (Laughs) - I actually, I changed my shirt 3 times for tonight and uh, I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be giving that all away.
No, it's cute.
And I was actually nervous, too.
Well, you you look great.
No, yeah, I know it wasn't that.
Um, you're gonna think this is so random, but it was actually about something else.
Well, whatever it was, I'm just glad that we could do this.
I used to date Ted.
- I'm sorry? - Ted Mullins? - He's the veterinarian.
- No, no, no, I know who Ted is.
- Okay cool, I just felt like we were being honest with each other.
Wait, weren't you his receptionist? Executive Assistant.
And yes, but only for like a minute.
But you guys were engaged? - Um, very briefly.
- Uh-huh.
And just twice.
And we've both moved on.
He has a girlfriend now, and apparently they're like very serious.
Okay look, there is nobody who wants to see Ted fail more than I do, professionally speaking.
Personally, I feel like this is off limits.
It just feels wrong.
Okay, that is what I've been saying, to literally everyone.
What, you've been telling people about this? No.
Some people.
Just close friends.
And that is the reason that I wasn't gonna come tonight.
- Yeah, but you came.
- Okay, bottom line, we've both had a lot of Zhampagne, so I just feel like we need to hydrate, and reflect.
I mean, yeah, but I don't think I can do this.
Okay, just to be clear, I couldn't do this first.
So I guess I am paying for the Zhampagne then? (Laughter) And so, he says to the cop, "Well, if it was mine, I wouldn't've put it in my mouth.
" (Laughter) Oh, Veronica, once again, you reign supreme as the queen of the triple entendres.
I just have to say this.
I know that we are the Jazzagals, but it was pretty great to have a Jazza-guy in our midst today.
Yeah, if you're around next week, it wouldn't hurt to have the help.
Not to dim the charge on this delightful conversation, but John, why don't you and I go - and get the gals another drink? - Okay.
No, no, the next round is on us for our newest member.
Lemonades for Moira and me And two cosmos for the baritone section.
Yes, please (Laughing) John, I wanna thank you for what you did for me today.
And I know it was done with the best of intentions.
I'm getting the sense I did something wrong.
Oh, not at all.
In fact, you've enlightened me.
I realize I take one thing for granted in this town.
- Oh, Moira.
- My time with the Jazzagals.
As sad as it sounds, these rehearsals have become a tiny oasis in the echo-y canyon that I now call my social life.
I don't know if you've noticed, John, but this transition has not been the easiest for me.
I can't say that I have not noticed.
Aside from rehearsals, few things keep me going.
My nightly sleeps, afternoon naps, and of course meals with my husband.
And there will be more of those.
But John, I have so few pleasures, that if I start combining them, then I'll have even less to look forward to.
I understand, Moira.
So, would you like me to leave you to cocktails with the gals, then? Oh god, no, we'll leave together, please.
There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia Del commode.
So the lover's curry was a mistake.
Yeah, it was.
Uh, but we got through it, and now we have a story we can only tell each other so Patrick would find it funny.
We will not be telling Patrick.
Another secret for the pile.
Okay, not to put any of the blame on you in this situation.
Obviously Patrick should've told you he had a fiancée, but why didn't you ask him? If he had a secret fiancée? Well, no, but did you guys not talk about your dating history? I guess I just thought the deeper we got into his past, the deeper we'd have to get into mine.
And, historically speaking, the more I revealed of myself, the less interested people got.
Okay, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you were probably surrounding yourself with the wrong people, and we both know that Patrick is not that kind of person.
Also, I know everything about you, about your history, your family, and I'm still here.
I think you're my best friend.
You think? Well, I can't know for sure, because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.
Okay, well, if we're being honest, I don't think I've ever had one, either.
This would be a really sweet moment, if what we had just admitted to each other wasn't so sad.
Sadder? When you were in the bathroom, I finished the rest of the lover's curry.
Okay, you'll be sleeping in the bathtub tonight.
I understand.
Well, honey, I don't think you should let one embarrassing encounter color your experience, on Bumper.
- Bump-kin.
So you upload your photo, and the Bumpkin sends it to local singles.
It's not called The Bumpkin.
Oh, here's one.
Isaac, 31, works on his family's farm.
Certainly loves to take pictures of himself in waterfalls.
Though harvesting crops does produce a nicely-sculpted physique.
"Looking for a hook-up.
" Well, that sounds promising, Alexis, he's open for hooking up for dinner, or drinks.
Uh-uh, that's not what that means.
- Okay, moving on to Jebediah.
- Okay, stop! Comes from a large family.
Oh, not my kids.
That's a step in the right direction, Alexis.
- Scroll down, Moira.
- Okay.
Oh my wives.
All right, which way do you swipe to get rid of this one? - Okay, gimme my phone - Oh, Alexis, look, you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah.
- What? Ew! - Oh, and now we're back to Ray.
Ew! How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom? Well
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