Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e10 Episode Script

Baby Sprinkle

1 (Birds chirp) (Jazz music plays) (Door opens, bell jingles) Hi, Jocelyn.
(Jazz music plays) Is everything okay? - Yeah.
Why? - Um, I love your pajama set.
Thank you.
It's been a hectic morning, David, I'm not gonna lie.
Well, I lit a patchouli candle, so hopefully it'll calm your chi.
Yeah, well, I didn't get much sleep last night.
Somebody decided to do a synchronized swimming routine at 2am.
- Oh no.
- Yeah, so long night.
And then followed by the news that my sister can't drive into town to host my baby shower! Oh.
Something to do with her husband's heart.
Oh, well, hope it clears itself up.
Yeah, well, it won't.
That's the problem.
- Well, you never know.
- Well, I do.
Which is why I ask you to then point this pregnant lady towards your party-theme section, because it seems as though I am throwing my own baby shower! Sounds very dark.
Um, we actually don't have a party section, so - Just a streamer, David, just - Okay, yeah.
There's a basket on the other side, I think.
Down below.
Hmm.
It's times like this I wish I had your eye for decorating and party planning.
Roland's been trying to help me, offered off his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that "The Pelican Brief" is festive enough for a baby shower.
Well, I'd have to agree.
Yeah, well, if only there was someone like you who could help me organize this.
Very kind of you to say.
Yeah, I mean, somebody like you, or you.
Who would just help me organize this, before I snap! Well, I'm sure I could help you out.
David! Oh my goodness! Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have to do this.
- Are you sure about that? - (Jocelyn laughs) Well, it is tonight, so I suppose you better uh, get to work! (Giggles) - Tonight? - Yes.
Okay, will the store be promoted, at least, at this event? - Absolutely! - And what is the venue? - My house! And are we married to that venue? - Yes! - Okay.
- Thank you, David.
- (Door closes) What just happened? Okay, so I was thinking as incentive for our singles, we could do like, a lonely heart's special.
So 50% discount for those singles dining alone.
Okay um, but wouldn't it make more sense to offer a discount for people not dining alone? But it's Singles Week though, is the thing.
Right.
Um, but if the point of Singles Week is to get matched up, then why not offer a discount for singles who eat together? Okay, I have a better idea.
A 2-for-1 discount for 2 singles eating together.
That's it, that's the winner.
Yay! Oh my god, Alexis? Oh my god, Klaire! Oh my guys, I know this girl! Babe! Hi! Oh my god, what are you doing here? - Oh.
- Okay, so me, Albany, Jitney, and Candy, we just needed to get away from the city for a bit, and so Vice put out this guide to the most random cities in North America, and we were like, lets him 'em.
Oh my god, that sounds so random.
Oh my god.
This is where you live, isn't it? (Gasps) I'm so sorry I didn't put that together, it's like I completely forgot about you.
Oh my god, no, babe, please, it's like - it's so good to see you.
- I know.
So like, it was two weeks straight of work at the agency, so we just got in the car, and we drove.
You know how it gets, it's like uh-uh-uh.
- Can I get you something? - Stop.
Oh my god, I'm obsessed with your look.
You look just like a small-town waitress! Beep! - Thanks.
- Actually you know what (Clears throat) I would love like a hot water, but if you could just let it sit so it cools, I just need to know that it was once hot.
- Sorry, I'm the worst.
- (Chuckles) Thank you.
Like nothing's really changed, am I right? - Yeah.
- Ugh, okay, babe, sit down.
Tell me about you.
Like, what have you even been doing? - Oh my god.
- Oh my god! Like, so much.
Okay, love that, girl.
Tell me.
Tell me everything.
Um, okay, so I graduated high school.
- Uh huh.
- Got my certificate.
Um, I opened my own PR firm, and I'm actually organizing this little event, so Okay.
We really have to get you outta here.
What? You know what, you need to join us tonight.
We're gonna go to some random bar, for some random drinks.
Hmm.
Hundred percent.
No but like, actually come though, okay? I'm serious.
I could use a distraction.
Albany literally makes me wanna kill myself.
- Anyway, I should go.
- (Alexis chuckles) Please tell me I'm gonna see you tonight.
Okay, here is your not-so-hot water.
Sweetie, no, I didn't order that.
- See you tonight, babe.
- Hm.
See you tonight, babe.
See you tonight, babe.
Hm.
Hm.
Albany, I was sitting there! Well, it's good of you to come with me, John.
Well, not a problem, Sweetheart.
Stevie was thrilled to be left looking after the motel with Roland.
Of course your accompanying me today would have nothing to do with any concerns you may have, about me being left alone in a room teeming with eligible bachelors? I have no concerns about you, Moira, you can handle yourself.
But if you ever unleash your feminine wiles on those bachelors, they wouldn't know what hit them.
Hmm.
(Footsteps thud) - Hi.
Thanks for coming.
I'm Ricki.
- Johnny, and this is - Moira.
I'm the lead intimacy facilitator here at MADLY, and I am so thrilled that you would choose me as a consultant for your Singles Week.
As are we, Ricki.
I'm sure you don't get a great many auditors here, at the group but, we would just love a little hand-held tour to see what it is you do.
Can I ask what MADLY stands for? Mature Adults Dating Lovers, Yes! We pride ourselves on our ability to stimulate soulful exchanges between all of our singles.
And, I'm confident that we're going to be able to find superlative matches for both of you.
Oh dear.
Oh! Bit of a misunderstanding, here.
We're-we're looking to observe your event, for research.
Well, we could peek in on the experience like group voyeurs, but it would be much more educational for both of you if you would let me immerse you in it.
And what would this immersion process entail? Today's activity is called "A Lock and Key".
Our ladies get the keys.
Our men get the locks.
And then we spend an hour mingling, trying to find that perfect fit.
Well, lucky for us, this lock has already found its key.
You'd be surprised.
Would I? John? Could be fun.
And I know who I'll be leaving with.
All right, let's give it a try! Wonderful.
I just have to ask, before the event, will you grant me access to your most intimate sounds? No.
But we'll play the game.
David: Okay, and could that be delivered by tonight? Okay, perfect.
All right, thank you very much.
Hi.
- What's goin' on? Well, um, Jocelyn came in here this morning looking like Adam Sandler on a red carpet.
Poor thing is planning her own baby shower, so I volunteered to help.
Wow.
That's very generous of you.
Yeah, I thought it could be a good opportunity to promote the store.
So, Heather's supplying some of her cheeses, not at cost, but she's giving us a deal, and I thought we could bring some wine from the store, and Colleen's express-shipping a branzino, so.
Sounding a bit expensive, David.
Well, we haven't talked budget yet, but I'm assuming that Jocelyn's wanting to spend some money on her baby shower.
I'm assuming that Jocelyn's planning on spending no money - on her baby shower.
- Whadda ya mean? Well, typically the person who throws the shower, pays for the shower.
Well, that wasn't part of the agreement.
Well, what did you say to her? - I told her I'd take care of it.
- Ah! She basically forced me into it! This isn't even her first baby! Oh, so it's more of a sprinkle, then.
What the hell is a sprinkle? No, it's like a shower, but for your second kid.
It's not a full shower, it's like a sprinkle.
That is the stupidest (bleep) thing I have ever heard.
Uh, also booze and fish, not ideal for a pregnant woman.
Yeah, well, she's one person, and everyone knows you don't plan a whole party around one person.
Maybe you do, if the party is for her.
Says who? Fine! Worst case scenario, she grazes at the soft cheese station.
Are you sure that she can eat that? This is why I hate babies! (Camera shutter snaps) (Footsteps crunch) Klaire! Oh my god, Lex! Are you like, stalking me, or something? - Um, actually I, um - Oh my god, I'm kidding.
But seriously, like what are you doing here? Um, I'm just like crashing here.
- Oh.
- Temporarily, obviously.
Are um, are you guys staying here? (Laughs) Oh my god! Funny.
No.
No.
We have Airstreams up the road, but we saw this sign, and we thought it was so random.
Yeah.
Oh my god! I almost totally forgot! I have a job for you.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I just like, I can't talk about it around Albany, because she needs to get fired first, so basically the job is yours, if you want it.
It's a junior PR position, but you could totally climb the ladder.
Look, take your time, just let me know by tomorrow.
By tomorrow? Hm, yeah, we're gonna get a super early start, so make sure you find me before 2 pm.
Oh wow, okay.
It's just like, all happening so fast, 'cause I'd have to like, pack, and find a place to stay.
Oh my god, don't even worry about that.
You can totally stay at my dad's place.
He hasn't lived there for like 15 years.
I think he started a new family, or something.
- Oh.
- So it would be you, and my dad's ex-wife.
But don't worry about her, she's two years younger than - us, and like super chill.
- Okay.
Anyway, I'm gonna call it on this Instasesh, but I'll let you know what bar we hit up tonight.
Okay, actually, there's only one.
Oh, well that's great, because I feel like all I do every night is just argue with Albany about where to go.
Like the poor thing doesn't understand that like, literally, no one even wanted her here in the first place.
- Ooh.
- I can't wait to fire her.
(Laughs) I'm her best friend.
- Okay, here's my card.
- Yes.
Let me know about the job.
Okay, yes.
That sounds like chillin'.
- I will definitely uh, let you know! - Okay.
Hey, pack your bags, bitch! You're getting' out! (Low hum of chatter, music plays) It's funny, because before my dear Gloria passed, she told me her dying wish was for me to move on.
Ah, did she? I know you're gonna find this hard to believe, but she predicted that I would meet a woman with shoulder-length blonde hair, and red lipstick.
- Telepathic, was she? - And tremendously specific! If I may leave you with a bit of advice, I would wait until much later in the relationship before mentioning any of the things you just mentioned to me.
Okay? Uh, wait, you haven't even tried your key.
Uh, it won't fit.
Johnny: Now, ask me when the last time the motel sold out, before I showed up? - Never! Zero! Didn't happen.
- (Woman chuckles) Must take a special touch.
Well, call it what you will, Charlene.
Maybe I'll spend the night sometime.
At the motel, I mean.
(Laughs) Oh, oh, oh.
- (Moira laughs) - Moira! You should really keep looking for your perfect match.
For research.
Or love.
(Charlene laughs) (Gulping) Mhmm.
Radio Announcer: Tomorrow, more sunshine Jocelyn: Welcome, boys! I can't thank you enough for jumping in like this! Oh, it's our pleasure.
Okay, um, so what's going on here? I thought I would what I could to get a jumpstart on the decorations.
Here's the thing, Jocelyn, when you asked me to throw this event, you were essentially handing over creative control.
Considering our name is gonna be all over this, I think it's important to streamline the aesthetic direction we're taking for tonight.
Okay, well I guess I could move some of the balloons? That could be good.
Yeah, we could move those.
Maybe to the garbage? We're also gonna need to drop-cloth the interiors.
Roland: Okay, guys! Where do you want me to hang the pinata? I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a baby? Yeah, it's pretty realistic, isn't it? I got it at the dollar store in Elmdale.
I didn't even have to pay for it, honey.
They just gave it to me.
Yeah, don't think we can smash a baby - with a stick tonight, but - It's not a real baby, Dave.
The fact that you got it from the dollar store does make me wary of what's gonna fall out of it, though? Don't worry, Rolly, we're still gonna play the diaper game.
Ah, good! Hi! What's the diaper game? Oh my gosh, it is so fun! We played it at Mutt's baby shower! Basically, you melt different chocolate bars into different diapers, and then people take turns guessing Gonna stop you right there.
I will literally do anything for us to not play that game.
Well, I'm getting nervous, because we're gonna need some sort of entertainment, David.
Well then, I will come up with some games that don't involve sniffing a diaper.
- You don't just sniff it.
- No.
You don't.
Oh my god.
Hey, Jocelyn, why don't you, why don't you get ready, get changed, and we'll take good care of the place.
I am ready.
And you look great, so, do you wanna have a seat? Relax? Mm hmm.
Okay, is this vase movable? Uh, no, that there is grandpa's ashes, and no, you cannot move it, it's bolted down.
There's been a lot of urn thefts lately.
I'll tell ya what, I will get my ratchet, and see what I can do for ya, okay? You hold baby.
- All right.
- Go ahead.
(Laughs) Was this a mistake? Oh, probably, but you know, we're here now, you know.
Yup.
Where do I put this (bleep) thing? (Truck engine roars) (Lock clicks) No? (Small laugh) Hello.
And just when I thought I'd tried every lock.
- You are? - Rene.
I work in ad sales and can drive at night.
Ah.
I know that sounds like an odd thing to mention, but it does separate me from the crowd.
Pardonnez-moi, senor Rene.
Okay, Moira, let's go.
Charlene's getting a little tipsy, and things are starting to turn.
Hm, well I just have one more lock to try, John, so Rene, I'll be gentle.
Oh, look at that! It seems to be jammed.
Can you, Rene? Sure.
Okay, Moira, I think we're done here.
Have we finally found our match? Yes, we have, but here, locks sadly are defective.
You're um getting a bit of neck burn.
Oh.
Well, I didn't have any problem with mine.
Often times in these situations, I ask a participant to go within, and to reflect why she might be having trouble connecting.
Connecting is my livelihood.
No, it's these discount locks.
I've tried every other one.
Ooh! You know what, John? You're right, we should go.
Jocelyn has that bebe thing.
Rene, pleasure as always.
You know, I have to say, I had a lot of apprehension when I came here.
- Let's not dally, dear.
- What's that? Here you go.
Rene, Shirley needs a ride home.
Can you still drive at night? Sure.
- (Crickets chirping) - (Card thuds lightly) Hey, I'm heading out! (Footsteps thud) (Door opens) (Crickets chirping) (Car whooshes by in distance) Hmm.
(Footsteps thud) (Door opens) (Envelope rustles) (Train whistles in distance) (Crickets chirping) (Small laugh) (Music and party chatter) Okay, now this game is called sleepy mommy.
Jocelyn's sitting on the couch, she's our sleepy mommy.
Now mommy's had a very hard day with baby, and needs a bit of a break.
And that's where we come in.
We're each gonna take turns popping pills into mommy's mouth.
Now unfortunately, these are breath mints, we couldn't afford actual benzo's, but the person that does get the most tranqs into mommy's mouth, will walk away with whatever's left of the soft cheese station.
(Crowd gasps) - Johnny: I'll go! - Okay.
Boy, these have a bit more weight to them than the usual pills.
Well, you know, Johnny, that weight might actually work in your favour if you take into consideration the humidity in here.
Wow, well, thank you, Roland.
Okay, just relax.
There.
Oh! All: Oh! David, why does this game feel vaguely familiar? You invented it.
We played it a lot growing up.
Oh! I can't remember playing.
That's because we got very good at it.
I remember Alexis got on in from across the room once.
All: Oh! I've gotta hand it to ya, David, it's a little unconventional, but people seem to be gettin' really into this.
Roland: Hey, Dave? Do I get an extra point if I can bounce one of her forehead? Yeah, we need some clarity on the point system, David, because I've landed three in Jocelyn's bangs, and that's gotta count for something.
- Or nothing.
- Ugh.
- Okay.
That's not fair.
- Okay.
On three, try this together, (German accent) 1, 2, 3.
All: Oh! Yeah! (Car rumbles) (Rock music plays) So like, she's telling me that she's going to Mexico, and I'm like, if you're not going to Tulum, then like where the hell are you even going? - You know what I'm saying? - So where is she going? - Ugh, god.
Cabo.
- Oh my god, poor thing.
I know, right? Like, what does she wanna go smoke a blunt with Pitbull? - Ugh, probably not.
- (Girls chuckle) Um, anyway, can I talk to you for a sec, Klaire? Oh yeah, sure.
Wassup? - Okay, so I've been thinking about it.
- Hmm.
And as much as I appreciate the offer, um, I think for the next little while, I should just stay here.
I'm sorry, reset.
What are we talking about? Um, the job that you offered at your dad's friend's company? - The junior publicist? - Oh.
I just don't think that I can leave here yet.
Oh, yeah, sure, you do your bit.
I'm always here for you.
Sorry, I was like, what are we even talking about.
So like, Albany just put down her dad's black card, so shots on him.
It's the least that she can do because she didn't come through with the party favors.
Breaking news, we still (bleep) hate her.
Anyway, do you want a shot or not? It's Albany's birthday.
Um, I don't think that I can.
I have this other thing that I need to go to.
Okay, yeah, cool.
Hey, well text me later.
All right? We can totally ditch this thing and we don't have to tell Albany, if that's what's holding you back? - Will do.
- Okay.
Oh and Lex, it was so good to see you.
Really, it's been too long.
We can't let this happen again.
It won't.
Why do you guys have drinks, and I don't? Hmm?