Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e11 Episode Script

The Rollout

(Birds chirping) (Johnny sighs) David, Stevie is just now opening the Rose Apothecary products we ordered for the motel.
Okay, good, you're welcome.
Well, it would be good if the order had arrived when it was supposed to arrive, last week.
All right, so it got held up.
What possible difference could one week make? We made sure to order those products - in time for the rollout.
- What rollout? The Rosebud Motel rollout.
New name, new branding, flowers in all the rooms.
New custom towels, all part of the rollout.
- Um, who taught you rollout? - May have been me.
Sorry.
You know, other than your little blunder, it would've been a flawless rollout.
Okay, you really need to stop saying rollout.
David, delivery dates are important, when it comes to client loyalty.
Okay, do I need to remind you that I'm the one doing you the favour? Accessorizing motel bathrooms is not what I would call on-brand for the store.
So, if you would like to pull the account, you can pull the account.
Well I can't pull the account, because it's part of the rollout.
So, I may be looking elsewhere when it comes time for the pop-out store.
Okay.
He meant pop-up store, right? Honestly, David, it took him like 2 weeks - to learn rollout, so - (Zipper rasps) It's just that we don't want people adopting sad dogs.
You know, like singles are sad enough, so we want the puppies to be happy, and fun, and flirty.
Yeah, I got that note in your email, uh, but, as you know, these are rescue dogs so it's kinda hard to guarantee fun.
(Alexis gasps) She's a little cutie! That's actually a he, and I think he might already be spoken for? But the event's like a week away.
I know, I just, I happened to show some of these little rascals to Heather, and, and she saw this guy, and wanted to adopt him.
So, we're just kind of in the process of making that happen, - (Alexis clears throat) - for her.
- Hmm.
Wow, love that for her.
- Moira: Alexis? Oh, Theodore, back for another meeting of the animals, I see.
Hello, Mrs.
Rose.
You know you two are lovely little freaks.
In this digital day of discontented disconnection, you two still manage to do things face-to-face, like people from before your time.
Hmm.
We were just finishing up.
Oh, I'll-I'll just see you at the volunteers' meeting, then? Um, you know what, you don't have to come to that.
But, thank you for all of your help with this.
Okay, uh, okay sure.
Well, let me know if you need anything else.
- You got my number, obviously.
- Yes, I do, thank you.
- Bye, Mrs.
Rose.
- Bye.
See you again soon, I'm sure.
(Door opens and shuts) Safe to say our animal-loving singles will be well placated.
Can I help you with something? Yes! Yes.
That nudnick at the curling rink just informed me that they'll no longer be able to accommodate our Lover's Messy Sloppy Joe Eat-a-Thon.
I'm afraid you have to secure us another venue.
Okay, well, can't you do it? N alas! Your co-chair will be busy getting herself out of jury duty today.
Okay, then I will just add that to the immense list of things that I have to do this morning.
Alexis, you know me, I'm not one to overstep, But, perhaps you might be able to strike a few more to-do's off that list if you and Ted spend a little less time fussing over this canine auction.
It's a puppy adoption, and we're done.
Planning.
So, thank you.
(Squeals) (Door opens) - Hey.
Wow! Looking very nice, Stevie.
Yeah, thanks, except I think I have to go home now.
Really? What's going on? Uh, nothing to be concerned about, just this.
Oh my god! What happened? I don't know it's like an allergic reaction or something.
Did we change our laundry detergent? No, what have you been doing differently? Nothing, just rolling things out, like you asked me to.
Could be, could be an insect bite.
It's all the way up my arms.
Well, Stevie, stop! What are you doing? Uh I know it's for the guests, but it's like really good stuff, and this is extra.
How long have you been using that? This morning.
Before or after your arm started itching? After, definitely after.
Oh, okay.
I mean, I might've tried a little bit when I was unpacking the box, but - my skin gets real dry in here.
- It's the lotion.
What? David's lotion is giving you the rash! No, I don't think it's the lotion.
And you know what? I'm not surprised! Because he gets a lot of this stuff from farms, and who knows where, and you don't know what's in these natural products! Stevie, why do you keep doing that? I don't know, okay! It might be causing the rash, but it's also the only thing that's making it feel better.
Okay, well we have to now go and see David.
No, I think it's a better idea that I just go home.
After we handle this! This is the last thing we need in the middle of a rollout! (Car rumbles) Okay, if I could just get everyone to be, like, quiet for a minute? - (Low hum of chatter) - C-help.
Okay.
(Low hum of chatter) Hey! Hey.
Um, welcome to the first official volunteer meeting.
I, of course, am your co-chair, Alexis Rose.
Um, I think this is gonna be a very fun week.
(Applause) But, as of right now, it's less than ideal.
Um, I don't wanna add to anyone's stress, but we just lost the curling club.
- (Crowd) Oh - Bottom line, we need a new venue, so if everyone can just like, ask around? Please.
Mutt: I might have a place.
(Low hum of chatter) Oh my god! Okay, um, everyone take a Hot 5.
And oh, for those of you asking about the t-shirts, yes, they are supposed to be tight.
This is Singles Week, everyone is fair game.
Okay? - Hi! - Hi.
What are you doing back? Oh well, I uh, I don't know if you heard, but I'm gonna have a little brother soon, - so yeah, I couldn't miss that.
- Um, yes, congratulations.
And, are you serious about having a venue for me? Because that would be amazing.
Happy to loan out the barn, - if it can be cleaned up in time.
- What happened? Oh, I asked a friend of mine to keep an eye on it while I was away, and musta slipped her mind.
It didn't slip my mind, I just like, didn't go.
Is it bad? Yeah, a nice little home for a family of raccoons.
I had to evict them, though, and they didn't go quietly.
Okay.
You are literally saving my life right now.
I feel like I should help you clean, or like, water the plants, or something.
I won't turn down the help, but you don't have to worry about the plants, they are very, very dead.
Mutt, you're making me feel partially responsible.
(Footsteps thud) Moira Rose.
Moira! Moira! Jocelyn, I see you've been lassoed into the judicial process as well.
Finally! I'm surprised to see you here, though.
I know, right? You've served so many times already! I mean you had to miss the Jazzagals Luau Luncheon because of that hung jury, and then before that, you and Johnny got caught in that criminal trial and couldn't make it to the Seafood Potluck.
Mmhmm.
What can I say? I'm a stand-out in the jury box.
But shame on them for summoning a woman in your condition.
Oh no, I've been waiting for this moment.
Apparently, if they call your number, you get to stand in front of a judge! I feel like I'm on "The Voice"! Ooh, as seductive as that sounds, no thank you.
With Singles Week just around the corner, my services are desperately needed elsewhere.
- Man: Number 23! - Oh my god! That's me! Number 40, number 75! Uh oh, that's me.
Jocelyn, you're about to witness a master class in judicatory persuasion.
(Jazz music plays, bell jingles) Hello? - (Door shuts) - Hello? No one at the counter! Who runs a business like this? Anyone could just walk in here and shoplift.
Okay, nobody's just walking in here and shoplifting.
David! Your face! I know my face! I know my face! It's a it's a heat rash or something! I look like the Phantom of the Opera! Well, you can't greet customers with that face! You don't think I know that? I don't have much choice! Patrick's at some business seminar, I don't really know, because I wasn't really listening.
Stevie, show him your arms.
- Thought you'd never ask! - Oh my god! What happened to your arms? Same thing that happened to your face! - What? - Your Dad thinks it's your moisturizer.
Okay, that's impossible.
I've been using this moisturizer - every day for 3 months.
- Oh.
Although, this is a new batch.
And we've already sold half the stock.
Oh my god! See? I knew it! David, we have a problem.
We have a big problem.
You could be sued! - What? - For retail negligence.
Stevie, show him your arms again.
- I don't want to show him my arms.
- I don't wanna see her arms again.
You realize you're gonna have to talk to Patrick and tell him that you two are gonna have to take a bit of a breather when it comes to - Ew! - You know, could be contagious.
- Oh my god! - Yeah, and here you were this morning, acting like you were doing us a favour with the rollout.
Okay, this is one of our best-selling products.
Well, we're gonna have to roll it back in.
And stop touching your face! You stop touching your face! Alexis: Okay, this is definitely smaller than the curling rink.
Well, it sounds like you've been really busy - puttin' this thing together.
- Yeah.
What's happened since you and Tallahassee left on your pine-cone journey? It's uh, Tennessee, and I'm pretty sure you know that, - and that ended a while ago.
- Oh no! I totally thought she was like, the one for you.
We called it off the day we arrived.
She's married to Moonshine now, the owner of the cone form.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- That trip was a disaster.
Compass broke halfway there, we ended up following a star for 2 days.
Anyway, by the time we got there, we sat down and uh, spoke our truths.
Pretty freeing.
That day I picked 700 cones! Hmm, is that like a lot of cones? Well, Moonshine and his daughter, Petal, said it was the biggest one-day haul they'd ever seen.
They gave me the Cone of Achievement, which allowed me to take 2 showers that week.
(Thunder rolls) - Speaking of showers, - Ugh! No! This can't happen, I have like 50 zillion things to do today.
Ooh, well, if only helping me clean was one of 'em.
Ugh! I can crack open a bottle of cone wine? Feeling risky? Ugh, fine.
Um, no.
Uh fine.
No.
Okay, but um, like just one.
(Pours cone wine) Welcome to jury selection.
The case you would be asked to decide is a misdemeanor embezzlement charge levied by the owners of Tom and Marge's Magic and Fun Shop, against their business manager, Mr.
Albert Percy.
Embezzlement, no, no, no, no.
I've seen this movie before.
It is your responsibility to notify the court of anything you've seen or heard, that may impact on your ability to be a fair and impartial juror.
Moira, this sounds like what happened to your family.
- This could be your out.
- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! A man needs to be brought to justice.
Yeah.
So we're back to the generic brand.
- (Door opens) - Roland: Well gang, Just about time for me to clock out.
I gotta tell you two, this timesheet you have is really complicated.
By the time I finished filling it out, I was already into overtime.
So do you guys have an overtime sheet I can fill out? Kinda busy in here, Roland.
Whoa.
Stevie! Geez! Yowzer! It's just a reaction to David's moisturizer.
Well, boy, leave it to Stevie to get a rash from a moisturizer when she's sitting right - next to poison oak.
- What poison oak? Excuse me? Well, right here.
It's uh - poison oak in that vase there.
- What? Where did you get those flowers, Mr.
Rose? Well, I talked to a few florists, and then I decided it was more authentic and economical, if I just went out back and picked some.
Uh, correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny, but I don't think poison oak is that expensive.
I didn't know it was poison oak! - Mmhmm.
- Wait a second, if you picked them, then how come you don't have the rash? Well, I was wearing gardening gloves.
Okay, look, I'd love to stand around and help you guys, but I'm already sneaking into double overtime here, so, I'm off.
So someone's gonna have to tell David before he takes it all back.
No offense, Mr.
Rose, but I'm pretty sure that someone is not going to be me.
(Taps on bottle) Ma'am, can you assure my client and the Court, that you would, to the best of your ability, uphold the law if selected for jury duty? Affirmative.
Mmhmm.
Do you have any life experiences similar to the facts of this case, that might affect your judgment? Well, there was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart on stage in a workshop-only production of "An Officer and a Gentleman".
I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement? - So your answer is no.
- To what? Juror 75, you were asked if you had any personal conflicts that might affect your judgments of this case.
I don't know these people.
I don't know these people.
The fact that my own world was ripped out from under me, by someone like this prick of a prestidigitator? I should think would help the court in the quest - to make a fair judgment.
- (Crowd murmurs) - May I approach the bench, please? - No, you may not.
The Court thanks and excuses Prospective Juror 75.
(Crowd murmurs) Jocelyn, for the sake of that woman, you must push for the maximum sentence! - Your Honor! - Hold on.
You two know each other? Not really, we just got to talking on the way in.
I I wouldn't say we were close.
All right, I'm dismissing both Juror 75 and Juror 23.
Mother (bleep).
This is the farthest I've ever gone! (Rain patters) It sounds like it's actually raining harder.
So just take the day off, like old time's sake.
Um, I am a college graduate, Mutt.
Singles Week is not community service, it's actually very important to me.
And I respect that.
So, will you be participating in Singles Week? Ugh.
No, I'm trying to like, learn from my mistakes before making any new ones.
Think it's funny, you bringing people together, - and, here we are, still single.
- Hmm.
- Makes you wonder if it's us? - (Alexis laughs) - What is happening? - I don't know, I just thought we were here, it's raining, felt like nothing had changed.
Yeah, I can see how you would make that leap, but things have changed for me.
That's cool.
We did have some fun in here, though.
Yeah, we did.
You were quite the heartbreaker.
Yeah.
Not like, super proud of that, but Um, so when you and Tallahassee had your talk, you said it was freeing.
Saying something you've kept hidden, out loud? Yeah, it was pretty freeing.
Though, in our case, it was mostly swears and we didn't talk for a week, but it was worth it in the end.
Who knows where I'd be right now if I just didn't tell her how I felt.
Hmm.
Yeah.
I think I need to leave.
It's still raining! Yeah, I know, I know, there's um, there's like something I need to do.
But thank you for the talk, and for finishing up cleaning, because I'm obviously not gonna help with that.
You're a good one, Mutt.
(Rain patters) - Okay, bye.
- (Footsteps thud) Okay, well I don't know what to tell you, Brenda, I'm rashy! Rashy! Yeah, the batch must be contaminated or something, it's like, some, some cream-borne virus! Yes, it's the cream.
My skin is normally fresh, and dewy, and blemish-free.
Well, I've already sold half the stock! - (Door opens) - Okay, can you hold for a sec? - (Door closes) - What now? Oh, I'm just dropping by, you know.
Oh, place looks great, really uh, really shaping up.
Yeah, I'm just on the phone with the vendor that sold us the infectious moisturizer, so, Well, does the vendor have a sense of humor, because this is a good one! (Chuckles) Remember the conversation we were having this morning about you know, the rash? Well, it turns out it wasn't the moisturizer, it was poison oak.
(Laughs) (Jazz music plays) Brenda, can I call you back? You know, it seems poison oak accidentally found its way into the floral arrangements at the motel.
How did that happen? I don't know.
I don't know how it happened.
I think someone, someone must've thought it was a beautiful plant.
Mmhmm.
You did this, didn't you? Well you, yourself must've thought it was a pretty flower, or you wouldn't have put your whole face in it! I'm sorry for touching my nose to a flower! I just went all Gordon Ramsey on one of my most important vendors! I basically told her, her product was like a jar of Ebola! So, this is uh, not a good time to talk about future orders.
We will be canceling your account.
(David sighs) Just be outgoing, be open, and show them your best self.
And don't worry, I'll be vetting everyone in advance.
(Chuckles) (Light tap) - Hi.
- Hi.
How long have you been standing there? Um, long enough.
Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.
(Alexis chuckles) Okay, Ted, I have a few things to say, and I need you just to listen.
Okay, uh, is it about the puppies though, just because they're kinda fragile right now, so maybe we should go in the other room.
- It's not about the puppies.
- Oh, okay, good.
Okay.
So as you know, Singles Week has been taking up a lot of my time, um, because this could be like, a big step forward in my career, and generally speaking, this is like a very cute look for me.
- Okay.
- Okay not finished yet.
The problem is, I've been having um, a hard time focusing on this exciting career opportunity because my mind has been elsewhere.
Oh, I just assumed that's how you always work.
Thank you, Ted, but this is different.
I love you.
I'm in love with you.
And, I know I really don't have any right to say that to you.
And also, I know you're in a relationship, um, and I'm happy for you, I really am, I just feel like if I didn't tell you how I felt, I would literally go insane.
You're the sweetest man I've ever known.
And that's it.
Wow, I didn't I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night.
- You know I can't let you do that.
- Yeah, no.
That's no problem.
Um, I was just thinking if there was like, a particularly runty one, like Cindy, or like, no, no.
That's okay.
(Sighs) Okay, well, this is going to be a very successful event.
Like, really great.
Okay.
(Footsteps thud) (Dog whimpers)