Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e03 Episode Script

The Plant

1 Alexis: First of all, welcome to my office.
Now I think we all know that most VIP guests wouldn't be caught dead at a motel like this, no offense.
But I have been able to secure a V-VIP guest.
Well, I'd go out on a limb and say all of our guests are very important, Alexis.
That's cute.
Anyway, Emir Kaplan is a very influential travel blogger, so it is of the utmost importance that we all make him feel at home.
Well, if he's looking for that homey feeling, I should just invite him over for dinner.
Joce is making pot roast.
All he'd have to bring is a couple of sides, a bottle of wine, and something nice for the house.
Nothing cheap.
- "The Road Less Traveled?" - It's a very famous blog.
He writes all about the best eats, stays, and attractions off the beaten path.
- Well, I don't want to second - guess your publicity skills here Alexis, but I don't think it would hurt to tilt the scales in our favour.
When we wanted to impress people at Rose Video, (Groans) Okay.
Coffee break.
We'd sometimes hire actors who would come in as plants, - pretending to be - Customers! Yes! Walk around, talk up whatever they're paid to talk up.
I know, I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.
I'm pretty sure we don't have the budget for actors.
I mean, if you're looking to pay some guy to lie about how great this motel is, I'm happy to step in.
- Do we need Roland? - Stevie! You can be the plant.
You look like someone who just wandered in off the road.
And Johnny can be our Manager.
Okay, first of all, you've gotta stop with the Johnny business, okay? And secondly, I am the Manager.
Okay, well, you should probably start getting into character, then.
Okay, thanks.
(Birds chirp) Ray: Knock, knock, everybody decent? - Oh my God! - Once again, Ray, saying "knock knock" is not the same thing as actually knocking.
I'm just making breakfast, and I wanted to know if I should make extra for you two.
- No, I think we're good.
- Yes Great! Door open, or closed? Closed.
(Chuckles) Okay, I thought you were gonna talk to him about this.
I let very few people see me before 9:00 AM.
I did.
The "knock knock" is him taking the note.
Well, you might want to invest in a "lock lock" then.
- Knock knock! - Holy (Bleep)! I realized I don't have eggs, but I do have pancake mix.
How do we feel about that? Four, please.
David, you're constantly talking about how much you eat.
But I've seen you walk from the bedroom to the shower, and you look fine.
Huh? Okay Ray, we we might need a minute.
Of course.
Door open, or closed? Closed.
Wow! Okay, this is not working anymore.
I think it's time we look for an apartment.
Okay, I mean if that's what you want.
Well, I think it's more of a need at this point, David.
I've been thinking about it for a while.
Ray: Gentlemen, you're gonna laugh, but I just remembered, we do have eggs.
They're in the pantry, next to the pancake mix, which means they've been sitting out for days.
Are we feeling lucky? Can I still have the pancakes? Yes! - Ray! - Patrick? Door closed.
Of course.
(Birds chirp, dog barks) And Zeljko says, you eat, you expire pleasured.
(Laughs) You expire pleasured.
Twyla: Okay.
What are we talking about today? More Bosnia stories? Yep, she never seems to run out of 'em.
Twyla, do you think it might be too much of an imposition to ask the chef to whip me up a kifla? - What's a kifla? - Oh, how best to describe it.
I don't think you need to.
Hi, y'all! Oh, Ronnie, Moira, I see you've ordered without me, makes sense, because I was seven minutes late! Well, we've yet to put in our kifla order, if you're peckish.
Oh, I can't stay.
I actually might not be able to make it to rehearsal today.
Roland was supposed to watch the baby, but he's got tied up at the motel, so Oh Jocelyn, if you can't make it rehearsal, no one's gonna hold that against you.
Yeah, the baby comes first.
Well, I just feel bad because we really need to rehearse that Nine Inch Nails medley for our concert at "Yarn for Cheap.
" I'd be more than happy to spearhead that effort, Jocelyn.
After collaborating so closely with the director on "Crows," I feel even more finely attuned to the fluctuations of the human condition.
Okay, it's just, I thought that was sort of my Even if you miss a performance Jocelyn, there will be others! And don't worry about your solo, Jocelyn.
I know it by heart.
I actually sing it quietly every time you do it.
I know, Twyla.
And it's not that quiet.
Anyways, I guess I get to sit this one out.
(Baby wails) Aw, it looks like somebody's up.
No rest for the wicked.
Well, these days, either he's crying, or I am.
(Laughs) Okay See you l-l-later.
- Bye! - Bye! I'll get the door! I'm-I'm sorry, excuse me.
Johnny: Welcome to the Rosebud Motel, Mr.
Johnny Rose, and it's a pleasure to uh Johnny is our Manager, so just let me know if you need anything from him.
And this is Roland, he is our Guest Services Liaison.
Yes, and it's actually pronounced "lee-as-on.
" And my name is actually pronounced "Ro-lahnd.
" And if there's anything you need, please tell me.
Room service, turn-down service, valet service Okay Ro lahnd, those are a few items that might be tricky to pull off, but we do have coffee and pastries every morning.
Oh, great, that uh, that should beat the black mold I had for breakfast at my last motel.
(Laughs uproariously) (Laughs) Ro-lahnd, why don't you show Mr.
Kaplan to his room? Oh yes, formidab-Le.
If you would uh, how do you say, um, voulez-vous with me please.
I'll show you to your room.
Right this way, we have you in our most deluxe suite.
Suite number four is uh Ah! Miss Felming ton.
Enjoying your stay? Yes.
Okay, Ro-lahnd, Johnny, we should let our guests continue chatting.
Ro-lahnd, this way.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I think you're really gonna like it here.
It's clean, and the service is good.
Anyway, I'm just staying here as a guest.
It's always good to know who your neighbours are in a place like this, you know, it's kind of a roll of the dice, but uh you seem somewhat normal.
- Thank you for saying that.
- Well.
Everyone agreed that I was the normal one in my cell-block at the women's prison, so.
Oh, wow.
Which prison? Maybe you know my wife.
I don't-I'm kidding.
I don't have a wife - anymore.
- Oh, disappeared? I'll never stop looking.
I'm Emir.
- Stevie.
- Stevie, hi.
Stevie, nice to meet you.
Oh, David.
We have a V-VIP staying with us at the moment.
So do you mind staying at Patrick's tonight? Your vibe can be a bit intense.
Um, excuse me? If anything, I'm a selling point.
And Patrick's is a no-go.
If fact, he just texted me the address of a new apartment that we might be going to see together later, so.
Um, did I leave a Q-tip in, or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together? Hey, we're just going to look.
Yeah, and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.
I'm feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing, like, I never saw myself living with someone.
That makes total sense, considering how nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that.
I'm pretty sure I can think of someone.
By the end of the day, so.
David, I think this could be good for you guys.
And also I know you're thinking like, Alexis is becoming a major girl boss, and is she just saying this so she can expand her home office when I move out? I actually wasn't thinking that at all.
Anyway, David, your boyfriend asked you to move in with him.
You do it.
I know.
Also, do you have like, a time-frame as to when that might happen? No, I don't.
Jazzagals: Yes! Yeah! (Clapping) Oh my God, so moody.
Love it! Now, Ronnie? The line has been changed to, "I want to kiss you like an animal.
" I'll remember it on the day.
I say we wrap things up on a high.
Ladies, scour your closets for black leather.
Pleather accepted.
(Door creaks open) (Panting) I'm here! I've got a sitter! Oh Jocelyn, I'm afraid that dirigible has ascended.
But I'm here on time.
Yes you are, but we started an hour early.
Ronnie has a massage.
You moved the rehearsal for Ronnie's massage? Well, it was also conducive to Twyla's schedule.
It's hard for her to juggle, what with the cafe.
Oh, is it hard for her? To juggle? And none of you here thought to tell me about this little time change? You said you couldn't make it because of the bebe.
We could start rehearsal over.
Ohhh no! Don't make any changes on my account, I mean, you've gotta get to the cafe, and Ronnie's gotta have a massage! I have sciatica.
I ran all over town looking for a babysitter! Oh Pulled a number off a telephone pole.
She's a pet sitter, but she said she'd make an exception.
I don't even know her last name! Jocelyn, that sounds dangersome.
I didn't wanna miss this rehearsal! But do any of you care? Apparently not! Because all of you have been acting like bunch of b-words! (Jazzagals gasp) (Receding footstep thud) Okay.
Evidently, one or two of you have gotten under her skin.
I'll handle it.
- (Door opens) - Hey, Johnny? Our VIP is still in his room, so we should probably hold off on the turn-down service.
What turn-down service? Oh, that's just a little something I've initiated now that I'm Guest Services Manager.
I thought you were a liaison.
No, I gave myself a promotion.
Hey Stevie, what's the intel? Uh well, I had a nap, then a beer, and now I need $40.
What are you doing, buying a wedding dress? Uh, Emir would like me to go to lunch with him.
What? No! - You don't have to do that! - Oh, jeez.
It's fine, it's just lunch.
No Stevie, this is going way too far.
Um, what's going on? Oh, Johnny's forcing Stevie into a very uncomfortable situation with a strange man.
Okay fine, I'll tap in.
Who are we talking about? Emir, and I'm fine to go.
Stevie, I would go in your place, it's just, my afternoon is gonna be kinda crazy - with all the turndowns.
- No, I want to go! So can I just have the $50? I thought it was $40.
I also need shampoo.
Body lice, you know, from the sheets, that'll get you a bad review.
I've-I've contracted it a few times, it's not pretty.
Wow, what I love about this conversation is how well it goes with lunch.
Yeah, okay, this is not my A-material.
But then again, I don't normally ask women out when I'm on the job.
Okay, you're telling me that you review motels for a living, and you've never met anyone? Okay, this may shock you, but uh a lot of the people that you meet in motels are not exactly like Not like what? Well, they're not like you.
Oh, yeah.
Smart, charming, dazzling sense of humor, I was gonna say modest, but (Both laugh) So what brings you to town? Uh, just driving to meet my sister in Florida.
Anyway, what about you? - Do you like what you do? - I do, for the most part.
You know, I like to keep a low profile when I'm on the road.
I find if people know that I'm coming in advance, they tend to put on a big show, and I never know what's genuine, so.
Yeah, that must be tough.
Okay, I don't even know where to start with this menu.
I'm a plant.
(Sighs heavily) I'm sorry? You were talking about never knowing what's genuine, and uh I can't keep this up.
I work at the motel, and my coworkers thought it would be a good idea for me to like, talk up the motel.
Uh, but the more we talked, the worse I felt.
(Exhales) So you cracked before we even ordered drinks? Yeah.
It turns out I'm really bad at this.
- Ah.
- (Laughs) Anyway, I'll leave you to lunch.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hang hang on a second.
Okay, look, the problem is, I eat most of my meals by myself.
So when there's a beautiful woman sitting across from me, even if she is a con artist, I welcome the company.
Moira: Gals, let's welcome our dear friend Jocelyn back into the circle.
Oh, should we be in a circle? It's not top secret, we all know Jocelyn has trouble being honest.
Do we all know that? Wrong word, okay.
I think I can take it from here, Moira.
All right, then.
Gals, since the baby, things have just been really tough.
That's good, that's good, expand on that.
Okay, and I feel like sometimes that my voice isn't being heard in this group.
Touch louder, Jocelyn.
Just because I don't ask for your help, doesn't mean that I don't need it! Just a little more specific, we're all here to help you.
Okay, okay, well, Ronnie.
I know that you've been getting a lot of massages lately, because they're supposed to help with your bad back, and stabilize your mood, but I haven't noticed an improvement! And sometimes you sing too softly.
Agree to disagree.
- And Twyla - I'm sorry, I'll sing louder.
Nope, you are singing too loud.
Wonderful, let it out, Jocelyn.
And Moira.
Okay, we can stop it there for today.
We are all sick and tired of hearing about Bosnia.
- Yep.
- It's Bosnia this, and "Crows" that, and Blajka We're just grasping at straws now, Jocelyn.
But this has been a fruitful exercise, don't we all feel better? Look at Twyla, look how moved she is.
Oh no, I'm fine.
I've actually seen a few photos of this place, it looks pretty good.
Yeah, the facade would indicate otherwise, - but I trust you on this.
- Oh.
You know, when I moved here and got a room with Ray, I didn't know how long I was gonna be staying.
- Mhmm - And now here we are.
For me this is bittersweet because on the one hand, I could lose you as a roommate, Patrick, but on the other, I would gain the commission.
(Laughs) As you can see, this is open concept.
Oh wow.
It's good, eh, David? I thought this was the penthouse.
Uh, it is the top floor of three floors.
- You said this was a one - bedroom.
It is, in the sense that it's a one - bed - room.
Any more beds, and you'd be in trouble.
- Although bunk beds can be fun.
- Fireplace? Yeah, which I'm sure would heat the room quite quickly, considering it's just one big open space.
I like the exposed brick.
It's actually a pretty decent size.
Speaking of size, Ray, I've yet to see a closet.
Is there a is there a walk-in that I'm missing? Oh, the closet is right over here.
This is what small-space realtors refer to as, a "step-in" closet.
What do you think, David? - It's pretty perfect, huh? - Yeah, it's pretty.
Not to jeopardize our review any further, but would you mind not blowing my cover? Don't worry, I got it.
Look who's back in da house! Johnny: Safe and sound, Ms.
Feeling okay about everything? That's a weird thing to say, but yes, I am.
I turned down your bed for you, but I didn't have any chocolates, so I left a doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow.
Well, that's uh unnecessarily generous of you, Ro-lahnd.
You know, I did have a couple of requests, actually.
Yes, of course.
I was wondering if Ro-lahnd could make a reservation at the cafe tonight for Ms.
Felmington and I? Uh hm! - Do we have sign - off from Ms.
Felmington? - We do.
- Emir: Great.
One more thing, you mentioned room service, I would love an English breakfast tea to the room, and maybe one for Ms.
Oh, absolutely.
Johnny, Emir would like some tea, and so would Ms.
Yes, and I'll show you where you can find that Ro-lahnd.
Felmington, may I speak with you for a minute? I'm really tired, can this wait? Mhmm.
So, dinner tonight? Yeah, yeah, if it's all right with you, I-I wouldn't mind getting to know the real Ms.
Felmington a little more.
It is all right with me.
Although it is a little unethical, just between you and I, so why don't I go write this review, and then I won't have to feel guilty later? - Okay.
- Okay? All right.
- After you.
- Oh! Oh! That's not my room.
Right, yeah, sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I mean, I know it's like the first place that we've looked at, but there's just something very homey about it to me.
Yeah, a sentiment shared by inmates, after their first couple years in jail.
Okay, so you hate it.
No, it's just if I've learned anything from "House Hunters", you always to see the loft space, the charming English cottage, and the renovated craftsman that you don't really wanna take, but the producers are gonna force you to see anyway, before you make any major decisions.
Gentlemen, I have one more thing to show you.
How are we still on this (bleep) tour?! - Just - You'll thank me later, but uh, no more worrying about door open, door closed.
All you have to do is open the curtain - (Gasps) - to the bathroom! Ray, can we just have a moment? Absolutely.
I'll just wait in the bathroom.
Curtain open, or curtain closed? - Oh, closed! - Closed, I think.
Don't worry, we'll be putting a door on there.
But I don't know if I wanna put a door on the bathroom! I don't know if I love this place.
And I'm not just saying that because the lack of closet space will inevitably force us to break up, I just sorta feel like if we're going to be moving in together, we should both be totally on board.
I totally understand, David.
It's just that I was looking at this place like just for me.
Okay, it's just that you had said that we were going to see p-places.
Right, yeah, so like, more of a general "we".
Because I knew that you'd be staying over here quite a bit, and that you'd probably have an opinion about it.
Well then, you know, in that case, if this just for you, and occasionally me, (Laughs) I think it's cute.
Wait, does this mean that you were ready to move in with me? - No.
- No? Hmm.
No, it's a closet space, and a timing thing.
- Uh - huh.
So you know, maybe we can negotiate down the line - at some point.
- Hmm.
Ray: I can barely hear your conversation.
Are we sure we want the door? - Are you sure? - Up to you.
There's a little piece of press you might wanna read.
Oh, if I've died again, I swear to God! - We are a "must-stay".
- What?! (Reads) "The Rosebud Motel is a must-stay for any road-tripper, or weary traveler.
This charming, lovingly restored, roadside motel is a welcome pit-stop for anyone looking for a clean room, and first-rate hospitality.
" Compared to what, a haunted house? "In fact, Johnny Rose and his Guest Services manager, will go almost too far out of their way to ensure a pleasant stay.
" How do I sign up for this turn-down service? Is there a clipboard, or something?
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