Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e04 Episode Script

The Dress

1 (Dog barks) (Shower splashes) Johnny: Moira! The water's ice cold! How long were you in here?! John, you know my ritual! Five to ten minutes to let the water warm, there's the initial scrub, followed by the deep conditioner, which must set for 20 minutes, and finally, the double rinse cycle.
Well, we can't be doing that anymore, sweetheart! Our water bill is going through the roof! Yes, painfully aware of our budgetary constraints, John.
I'm currently reading a magazine from July, 1987.
Where do you even find these? Alexis: So I just signed for this, so does that mean I get to keep it? - Also, what is it? - Oh my God, it's here.
- Give it some room, Alexis! - Give what some room? What exactly are you getting shipped from "Harrod's of London?" Family, I'd like to you to meet a dear friend whom I've yet to meet.
Give a warm dobrodosli to my red carpet gown for the "Crows" premiere.
Moira, you didn't tell me they'd set a date - for the premiere! - Yes! I've been told definitively it will happen, and I quote, "ideally sometime this year.
" Okay, there must be some mistake here.
This is valued at $3,700.
What?! $3,700? What designer gave you that kind of discount? Sadly, it's not custom this time around, Alexis.
Mommy had to shop off the rack.
Fortunately, I discovered something called - a "promo code.
" - This is a reduced price? Yes.
Discount couture, do you believe it? I'm surprised she made it through customs.
I once passed off a mini horse and three Guinea pigs as service animals, so anything is possible.
Perfect a spot of tea for the unveiling.
I was actually just boiling water for my bath.
Does this mean I should start thinking about my look for the premiere? TBD on the guest list, Alexis, but I love your enthusiasm.
Box? Box.
David: I'm so glad we're doing this.
We never get to spend quality time together.
Also, I've been neglecting my wellness journey, so the cherry blossoms opening when we both have time off is really ticking a lot of boxes for me.
Are you sure the cherry blossoms are even open now? I mean, I thought that wasn't for another couple weeks.
Mm, no, no, I called the botanical gardens, and had the girl send me a photo.
I learned the hard way from my last trip to Japan.
Showed up, no cherry blossoms, turned right back around, it was such a waste.
Wow, that's a lot of pressure to put on cherry blossoms.
Well, why else would we be driving to Elm Valley? Ooh! Why else would we be driving to Elm Valley, Stevie? The only other reason I can think of is that Emir might be there.
The hotel reviewer that You had the dirty motel sex with? Well, when you put it that way it sorta cheapens it, but yes, he might also be there, reviewing a hotel.
But not the hotel that we're going to, because that would be a crazy coincidence.
Sorry, I knew you wouldn't come if you thought you were gonna be a third wheel.
Okay well, sucks for him, because I only booked the private garden tour for two people.
- Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
- Please don't.
I don't think we're gonna go - No! - To the botanical gardens.
Wow! So this is an abduction, then.
I am a single woman driving way out of town to meet a guy I don't know very well! Well Once he shows up I'm sure you can still go to the botanical gardens! I'm not going to the botanical gardens by myself! What, am I gonna walk around, and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert?! So if you're gonna meet this guy there, there where am I staying? I don't do couches! I got you a separate room.
A separate room, okay.
So this has all been premeditated, then.
You know what, I hope for your sake, that they have cherry blossoms in prison.
(Dog barks) Hey Shannon, what's up? Ted's in his office, you can just let yourself in.
Okay, thank you.
Hey, I know you're really swamped today, so I brought you this.
- You can thank me later.
- Oh! That's decaf, right? No, that detail actually slipped my mind, so maybe I'll just take it.
Oh, almost a sweet gesture, Alexis, thank you.
You know who's not sweet? Old Shan out there.
Okay, first of all Alexis, she's not old, we went to vet school together.
And she's actually been really helpful this week.
To you.
I'm just gonna say it, Ted.
Most people are a fan.
So when someone's not, it's usually on them.
All right, fine, I, I didn't wanna bring this up, because it is so not a thing.
But well, when you and I were broken up, there was one night where Shannon and I (Gasps) Oh my God! Ted! (Sighs) We hooked up.
Yes you did, you little smooch monster! Well, we did a lot more than that.
(Gasps) I'm sorry, should I be jealous? No! No, no, no, no, no.
It was just a one-time thing.
- Oh, no.
- No, not "oh no," No, I stopped it from going any further.
Because I thought we were just better off as friends.
Beep, beep! Paging Dr.
Casanova J.
Anyway, that's probably why she seems like she's a little unsure about where she stands with you.
Well, thank you for telling me that, Ted.
That makes so much more sense than her not liking me.
Well, I'm glad that we could clear that up.
Okay, well, I will see you for lunch then, "Doctor".
Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor.
So am I No, you're not.
Just-just Ted.
Roland: Hey, Johnny! Johnny! I have some good news for you, my friend.
Well, I could use some good news, I might have to take out a mortgage on the dress - my wife just bought.
- Well, uh you know that little hot water problem you're having? Yeah? Well, I've come up with the perfect excuse for you to buy yourself a brand new hot water heater! Still waiting for the good news.
Well, the good news is that my friend Terry can replace the whole thing for you.
- Replace it? - Mhmm.
Well, how much is that gonna cost? I did a little negotiating with Terry, and he says you can have it for $4,200.
- $4200?! - Right.
Unless you want it installed.
Well, of course I want it installed, Roland! Okay, well, that's gonna be $5,500.
Okay, you know what? I can't afford to throw away money like that.
Oh, come on, this coming from the guy who was just bragging about taking out a mortgage to pay for his wife's dress! - I wasn't bragging! - Ohhh Moira: Well, hello! Is it just me, or is there a faint scent of honeysuckle in the air? Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave.
I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.
And John, I tried to hang up my gown, and thank God I caught it before that silly curtain rod came crashing down! Don't worry about it, we'll get you a new one.
As soon we get uh, "El Tightwad" here to loosen up the purse strings.
John, give this man a raise! And when dear, did our room become so moist? I'm off to get a dehumidifier, but I will see you at lunch.
(Sighs) (Cars rumble) (Horn honks) (Muzak plays, phone rings) Oh, is that him? - No.
- Okay.
- What about the person - David, I would tell you if I saw him! Also, that's rude! Okay, it's just that your type is very inconsistent.
What time was he supposed to show up, anyway? Two hours ago.
And we're sure this is the right hotel? He's not coming.
I'm an idiot.
Well, I guess the good thing to come out of this abduction is that if anyone knows how to crawl out from under an embarrassing romantic failure, it's me.
So I say we drop our bags, go straight to the botanical gardens, take in some cherry blossoms, then sleep it off, and go home fresh tomorrow.
What time was the tour again? Oh, David, I'm so sorry.
If this wasn't so humiliating for you, I think I'd be in a darker headspace right now, but since it is the hotel bar has karaoke, I say we get several rounds of polar bear shots, load up some Mariah, and I will spend the rest of the night pretending not to resent you.
I'll get the first round.
Oh, you'll be getting every round.
(Sighs) Alexis: Oh my God, Shan! You still here? Have you not taken lunch? I've just been pretty busy.
Ugh, same.
Can I get a "hell yeah" for two hard-working women in the 21st Century? (Weak laugh) Anyway, I think that we both know that things are a bit off between us, and I understand why.
Ted told me all about your little Mmm! Muah! Muah! And it's like not a big deal.
Alexis, that's-that's such a relief.
And oh! Honestly, between us, it was just a drunken one-time thing, and I told him we'd be better off as friends.
Did you tell him that after he told you that? Sorry? Ted: Alexis.
Right on time.
You're telling me, I was just having a chat with Shan.
Clearing the air about that little trip you two took to pound town.
- Alexis! - Whoa! Okay, let's remember this is still a place of work.
Look, I don't know about you, Shannon, but I am so glad we did this.
Had I not talked to her, I never would've found out that she called it off.
- Maybe I will go for lunch.
- Well, just, um, one minute.
Again, not that it matters, you know, but uh, the day after we um, we were supposed to meet up at the 5k for Feral Cats, and I never followed up so.
- Oh! Yeah, it totally doesn't matter.
- No.
But I also never followed up.
So when we saw each other the next weekend at the opening of Bronwyn's Exotic Animal Clinic, I assumed you'd gotten the hint.
Okay, well, that's what I assumed, so Okay, not to interject, but I assumed that this would play out in a much more interesting way.
So for the sake of time, um, I'm just gonna go with Shannon's version of things.
Shannon, can we get you anything while we're out? Uh, I'm not sure that we actually quite finished - the conversation.
- Oh, it's okay, Ted.
Because the important thing is, that Shannon and I had a breakthrough.
Yeah, but I'm just not really sure where we landed on - Mhmm, yeah.
- On the whole Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Okay.
(Country music plays) When it comes to water heater repairs, you don't need electrical experience to check, or replace the heating elements.
The only thing you need to do is make sure the power is off before you perform any tests Okay, where's the power switch? I need the power switch, okay, hold on, hold on.
- Find the circuit breaker - Power? I can't get to the circuit breaker until-hold on! Slow slow-hold on! - Hold-st-stop! - (Tutorial keeps talking) Rewind! How do you rewind?! Where's the manual?! Oh Johnny, there you are! I've been looking all over for you.
Urgent question.
Um what's our policy on smoke breaks? - Who's taking a smoke break? - I am.
- You don't smoke.
- Yeah, I know.
And I don't think I should be penalized for that.
Roland, I'm kinda busy right now with the water heater.
Johnny, I don't think kicking that thing is really gonna help.
Okay, I'm trying to follow the video here, it says it's for beginners.
Yeah well, I think you got the right video there.
But don't you think something like that should be handled by professionals, Johnny? Like, maybe Terry? Roland, you know something? There's a lot going on with the family right now, and if there's an economical way for me to deal with this, without pumping more money into it, then that's what I'm gonna do! Johnny, let me tell you something.
That is not the place to cut corners.
Okay? What you need to do is re-examine your extravagant lifestyle.
What are you talking about? Well, not all of us can drive around in an 8 cylinder car.
It's a '78 Lincoln, and it's all we could afford! - Right, '78.
- Okay! Roland, do you mind if I get back to work?! Yeah, no problem, I've got to go on my smoke break.
(Sighs, loud clang) As time goes on (Song ends) (Half-hearted applause) Wow, for someone who can barely stand, she sounds good.
How are we feeling? All things considered, I'm feeling better.
I'm gonna see if they have more Mariah, the first three songs were just a warm-up.
(Chuckles) (Nervous exhale) Oh.
I'm so sorry.
A student driver rear-ended me on the way over here, it was a whole thing.
He started crying.
We had to exchange insurance information.
His mom was there.
You couldn'tve called? I thought I was stood up.
The student driver has my phone, and I have his.
We didn't give them back to each other after we exchanged info.
So if you wanna know what's on a 16 year old's smartphone, I could offer you that.
No, thank you.
Yeah, that's probably for the best.
Okay, good news, they have "Fantasy," which means that you get to play Ol' Dirty Bastard.
Oh, are-are you here with someone? - Uh, no.
- Oh! Ohhh Oh um, no.
We just ran into each other at the bar.
Um, long story short, I took a pottery class with this one.
(Laughs falsely) Oh, uh, I'm Emir.
- Oh, Dane a.
- Dana? Yeah, so I run-I run the karaoke at the hotel.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Uh, Stevie, I know I'm two hours late, but can I still take you to dinner, or have I blown it? Oh, you've blown it.
But I'll still take a free dinner.
- I can work with that, okay.
- Okay.
- Mhmm.
- Okay! Um, I'm just gonna settle up my tab, - I'll meet you outside.
- Okay, yeah.
Uh, nice to meet you, Dana.
Yes, thanks.
Why don't you just come with us? I already made you miss the botanical gardens.
I can't leave you here.
Okay, honestly, I'm gonna be really exhausted after my set anyways, so I'll probably just go to bed.
Are you sure? No, so get outta here before I change my mind.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Unnecessary, but Keep the mics hot, I'm comin' in! (Loud whirring) Moira? We need to talk, sweetheart.
I'm sorry dear, is your mouth moving? Could you uh, turn off the dehumidifier for a second? Because I can't possibly hear you over the sound of the dehumidifier! Oh, just-just turn off (Beeping, whirring stops) So, it looks like in addition to the water heater, we're gonna have to replace some of the plumbing.
And the water is so hard, that Terry said that it's likely in the next little while we might also need a new water softener.
John, I'm sorry you've had such a hard day.
- Yeah - On the upside, this gown has exceeded all expectations.
Yeah, well that's good, sweetheart, that's that's good.
It's just that um, you know, with all these costs piling up, we might need to take a hard look at uh, some of our recent uh purchases.
I told Alexis now is not the time to expand that home office.
Not with the price of ink today.
Yeah Moira, look.
The last thing I want to do is uh rain on your parade, but I think for the next little while, any money coming in should probably be for the family.
This dress is for the family.
To remind us that our futures lie outside this town.
It feels these days like I'm the only one who hasn't veered off course.
Well, no one's veering off course, Moira, we're all just uh taking a different approach.
The ceremonial purchase of the gown has always been my good luck charm.
Well, from everything you've told us about this movie, Moira, it sounds like for the first time in a long time, you may not need any luck.
Oh, John! Thank you for that.
And know that you've been heard! Good.
(Beeps, loud whirring) Ted: You know, Alexis, I've been thinking about it, and I'm really glad that you and Shannon were able to get everything out in the open.
Me too.
We're actually grabbing drinks tomorrow.
Great, yeah, you know, and I-I I care way more about that than any of the details of how we ended things, or even whether they were accurate.
It seems like it was just like a little miscommunication on your part, is all.
Yeah well, uh, Shannon aside, I think it's important that I tell you that there were a few others before Heather.
And there may have been a couple of broken hearts along the way.
Whatever you say, Ted.
Yeah it's actually kinda funny, because I was just going through my phone, you know, to make some space, and then I came across this little back and forth from a while ago.
I believe you, Ted.
You're still Dr.
Casanova to me.
Okay, well, the tone of your voice makes it seem like you don't believe a word you're saying.
Okay, Ted! (Clears her throat) (Reads) "Dear Melanie.
" Melanie? Is this the girl from the falafel place? Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
"I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you, and I really fal-awful saying this over text, but I'm just not feeling strongly enough to take this to the next level.
I'm sorry.
" Pretty harsh.
But it had to be done.
And then um, she wrote - Oh, it doesn't matter what she wrote.
- "Cool!" Exclamation mark.
And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her? (Sighs) Well, she seemed really upset.
Listen Ted, I've gone through enough heartbreakers for like, two people's lifetimes.
And I don't want that anymore.
I want you.
And that cute lil' butt.
David and Tammy: Ohhhh Oh! Oh! Yes, Tammy! Tammy, everybody! It's Tammy! Yeah! (Gasps) Stevie, hi! Oh - Hi! - Hi.
So Emir asked me if I wanted to stay the night.
Ohhhh! (Laughs drunkenly) That sounds promising.
Um, I thought you were gonna go to bed? Oh no, I was, but then Tammy kept buying shots, and the whole room got behind me in like, a really big way.
Anyway, I have seven more songs to finish, and some new fans who would be very disappointed if I don't close the show.
- Oh, Dana! Or is it David? - Huh? Listen, I just wanted you to know that Stevie told me what you did for her tonight.
You know, giving up your evening, so that we could have some time together.
Anyway, it was really cool of you to do it, is what I'm saying, and not just because um we get to have a little sleepover because of it.
(Makes retching sound, laughs) So to say thank you, I took care of your room charges.
Oh my God! Hello! Um, hi! Can I get another drink then, to the room, please? Thanks! I actually just meant like, your mini-bar.
Oh no, I finished that.
Hey, Tam! You want some zhampagne?! Yeah, two please, drinks.
Okay, um what do you say we get up there, maybe do a little duet? I feel like that's the kind of thing you'd be totally comfortable with, right? - Mhmm - Yeah, love that.
I think it's best if you guys just sat down, and watched.
- Oh, okay.
- Next time.
- Yeah.
- Off the hook for now.
Uno, Tammy! I think I'm going to do this one by myself.
- Oh! - Thank you so much, though.
- We'll call you back.
- Wow.
See you soon.
I would like to dedicate this one to the lovers right over there! - Okay - And, goodnight.
David: The la-la-lovers Cue it up! Okay, are you coming out? Can you stop yelling, please?! I had 14 polar bear shots last night.
Moira, do you want us to close our eyes? (Door latch clicks) (Dress rustles) Oh my God.
Moira, it's gorgeous.
Wasn't it shown with a veil? Oh, the veil's on its way.
Well, now that I see it on you, I understand! I feel like I'm waiting for the limo to take us to your next red carpet event! Well, sweetheart, if that's if that's the dress you want, then, uh It is.
But you're right, John, it's not the time.
So before I send her back, take a mental picture.
(Sighs) And perhaps an actual picture as well? - Anyone have a camera? - Oh.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh yes.
- Gimme like, a mm! - Mm! - (Camera clicks) - Like, arm.
- Oh! - Okay.
- Yeah, got it? - (Camera clicks) Okay, that's it.
And if all goes to plan, we'll meet again on the red carpet.
Ideally, sometime this year.
And those are the shoes we're going with? - What do you think? - No.
Shoes, later.
As well as jewels.
- (David and Alexis gasp) - What?!
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