Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e10 Episode Script

Roadkill

1 I don't know why I'm feeling this like deep, aching sense of dread.
David, I'm more than capable of looking after your store while you and Stevie work the flea market.
Why did Patrick have to book today of all days for his tax seminar? Like who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar? Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses? Okay, hi.
You are literally only here to receive a package.
So I cannot have you distracted your phone unless there's an emergency.
And then immediately call Call Patrick.
I know! No! Patrick is at the tax seminar! Are you hearing anything I'm saying?! Yes.
Stay off your phone.
Wait for the delivery man to drop off whatever.
You can trust me.
Okay, can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something Ugh! This is about those stupid Tamagotchi? - Actually it is.
- Okay guys You left me with six of them, David.
Taking care of that many is like a full-time job! I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health! And by the time I came home, they were all dead.
You have to like actively murder them - in order for that to happen! - Okay, David, um, as much as I love carrying out all these boxes by myself, I think she's going to be okay, so maybe you could give me a hand? How did David con you into this anyway? It gives me an excuse to take a break from rehearsals with your mom for a day? Um, last night she texted me at 3 A.
M.
and all it said was "leggings.
" - Hmm - We have to go.
Um, you're welcome, by the way, David.
Who knows, maybe after today you'll finally stop talking about Tamagotchi.
Unlikely murderer.
(Bell jingles, door shuts) (Engine hums) Unfortunately for everyone, John, Stevie turned out to be quite the find.
She'll need a lot of direction obviously, but you know, ballet intensive, perhaps some mittens to curb the nail biting.
Moira, I love the way you pour yourself into your projects.
But the whole point of this spa trip was to take a breather from cabaret.
Yes John.
I promise to enjoy the 60 minutes I'll spend having my deepest tissues palpated.
Then a few sips of cucumber water.
Factor in five minutes for you to use the facilities and we'll be back home by noon.
And we're not rushing through this, Moira.
We've got an entire day of treatments ahead of us.
Today is for slowing down, and getting reacquainted with our bodies.
Okay, just please give me a moment to make a decision on this chaise lounge.
Oh, put the phone down, Moira.
Whatever it is can wait.
It's for Fraulein Schneider's Salon.
Do you prefer the olive suede to the Merlot? Similar texture but falls apart in emotional complexity.
I can't look right now, Moira.
I'm driving.
All right.
I'll hold it up for you.
No, Moira, I can't right now.
It's just a quick glance, John! All right, then you need to hold it straighter.
- (thud) - That oh-oh, what was that? - A tiny speed bump.
- Speed bump? We're in the middle of nowhere.
Why would there be a speed bump? No, I think I, I think I hit an animal.
Oh, it's the circle of life, John.
You've just provided a nice Passover Seder for a family of hawks.
(Door opens) No ew (Door shuts) (Door opens) John, don't get too close, dear.
We can't afford you contracting mange.
It's a cat, Moira.
I hit a cat! Well, what kind of ailurophobe sends their kitty out to play on such a busy stretch of highway? It's got a collar! This is someone's pet.
(Sighs) There's a farmhouse right there, probably belongs to them.
(Metal grinds) Or not.
Okay, so this is really good, we just need everything facing forward.
Facing forward.
Facing forward.
See what I'm doing here? Stevie: Okay, like a serial killer? - (Jewellery clinks) - David Rose! (Chuckles) - Oh God! - Would you look at that? If this isn't a full circle moment, - then I'm not twice divorced.
- My God, Wendy! (Gasps) This must be your wife.
- No.
- God, no.
No, no, Wendy, this is my friend, Stevie.
Stevie, this is Wendy.
Wendy used to employ me at the Blouse Barn.
I'm so sorry, I don't mean to jump to conclusions.
I guess I've got marriage on the brain again.
If you can believe it, I'm engaged! - Hmm, wow.
- Congratulations.
Well, you know what they say about love, it's like target practice, if you just keep shooting at it Anyway, David, I was hoping you would have settled down by now! Oh, I actually own this business with my partner.
Get outta town! I know, I am as shocked as you are.
Well, I guess that makes us flea buddies.
I've got my own booth.
Wow, so we're reopening the Blouse Barn? Oh, no, no, no, just test driving a new business idea, brought to me by my new partner, Antonio.
Antonio! What are you doing? Come over here, so I can show you off! (Footsteps thud lightly) Hey.
Well, Antonio, say hi to everyone.
- (Softly) Hi.
- You look very familiar.
Have I seen you in my store before? I don't think so.
Okay.
He seems sweet.
He reminds me a lot of you.
Well, isn't that a compliment.
For him.
I better get back and help Tony set up the booth.
It was such a treat seeing you, David! And you, Karen! Karen's a new one.
I have definitely seen that guy in my store before.
Do you think that Wendy knows her fiancé has been checking out every guy in here? She has the worst taste in men.
At one point, she told me she was looking for a Jon Gosselin type.
(Door opens) Sorry, we're closed.
Very funny.
Ugh, I was hoping you were the delivery guy.
- Thanks.
- No, I'm just like, so bored.
Well, I am not the delivery guy, but I come bearing gifts.
But I didn't pay for that.
I know, I got it at the flea market.
Thank you for the delivery.
Do you need my signature? Oops.
Oh wow! (Giggling) Uh um, miss, seems that the strap has fallen off of your shoulder.
I'd offer to put it back for you, but as a delivery guy, I don't know if it's my place.
Oh, how respectful.
Now, if only you had that much respect for my time.
I've been waiting here forever.
Um, sorry that I'm late my grandmother passed this morning.
Ew! Oh my God, Ted! Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
(Clears throat) Okay, what else weren't you prepared for? - The import taxes? - Hmm Okay, obviously I'm not good at this, can we just skip to the good part? Yes.
Okay.
(Giggling) So, you and I just innocently witnessed an 18-wheeler barreling down Moira, I'm just gonna be honest, all right? There was an accident, it was tragic, unavoidable, and then we'll be on our way.
- Mm-Kay.
- (Knocks on door) (Door opens) Can I help you? What beautiful day, isn't it? - Crops need rain.
- Yes, yes.
Oh, as they often do.
Um well, we just had an unfortunate thing My husband struck down your feline with our car.
Well, we don't necessarily know whether the cat belongs to this uh, gentleman.
Well, what did it look like? The name on the tags was "Sergio"? - (Rooster crows) - Well, that was him.
Oh, these city people driving too damn fast up and down this road.
No, I-I don't think speed was-was the thing here.
No, my husband has what's called a feather foot.
Well then, why did you stop? We thought it was the decent thing to do.
Um, now that's done, and we have a very pressing engagement so.
Well, my wife is so right, we're running very late right now.
The Hammam Spas are notoriously fickle about refunds.
You're going to the spa? Well, that does sound important, but since you just killed my daughter's cat, coming inside to break the news to her might be a little bit more important.
Don't you think? Hm, John, shall I pick you up on the way back? I know how desperate you were for me to have my day of detox.
No! No, Moira! I think it's better if you come inside with me, so we can uh, break the news together.
David: Okay, this is the last of them, unless you wanted me to bring in the 14 coffee cups and 3 empty chip bags that are also in your back seat? Mhmm.
David, remember when you thought Wendy's partner had been in your store before? He has been in my store before.
Well, I think I know why he wasn't being so upfront about it.
Okay, I know what you're gonna say, and I also thought that he was into me for a second, but I'm pretty sure that's just his face.
No.
Look over at their booth, and tell me you don't notice any similarities.
- What the actual fuck?! - I know.
- They've ripped off our entire store.
- Yeah.
Tulips instead of roses? Woof! Similar products.
The labels even look like ours.
Except, their stuff's half price.
What? Well, we have a very loyal customer base who would not be fooled by some skanky knockoff.
Okay, Dave, I'm ready to check out here.
Roland! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the motel! I'm on my coffee break, and I ran out of foot cream.
- Those are 3 for 15, yes? - These are not from our store.
Well, what are you talking about? I just got 'em off your table over there.
That's not our table.
Well then, why were you standing there? That's not me! And he's still standing there! Okay um, do you want the sale, or not? Uh no, you can buy our superior foot cream at a slightly higher price.
Geez.
You were a lot nicer when I was talking to you over there.
(Rooster crows, cow moos) (Whispers) How far do you think we'd get if we just started running? When might we expect your daughter to show up, because we do have a very busy day ahead of us? - (Laughs nervously) - Well, baby's still sleeping, but if you wanna go and wake her up, tell her what happened, by all means.
Where is Bebe's chamber? (Footsteps creak) Oh, there she is now.
She's either up, or takin' a leak.
Either way, great progress for Bebe.
Here she is.
What's all this? Who are you? Uh, hi, Johnny Rose, Baby.
- This is my uh - Sergio's dead! Ugh.
What the hell? Yes, it seems he had taken ill, and stumbled out on the road poor thing, presumably to end it all.
And then? And then we ran over him.
(Upset exhales) (Sobbing) Anyway, this feels like a very private family moment that we're more than willing to share.
(Sobbing) (Car rumbles by) That's for you.
Clearly that brand loyalty you were talking about is really paying off.
Like to pay you off to not be here anymore.
Roland, what are you still doing here? This will only take a second.
Dave, I don't know if you remember or not, but I purchased some foot cream from you earlier? That wasn't our foot cream.
Yeah, okay, well you took my 15 bucks, and now I'd like a refund, because I realized I've used this stuff before, - and it makes my feet stink.
- Give me that.
(Sniffs) Ugh! It smells like pennies and burps! Oh yeah! Wait, that smells exactly like the stuff we used to use at the motel.
- Ugh.
- Like, exactly.
Wait a second (Paper rips) (Gasps) That's why! Gel Time Moist Liquid.
- (Scoffs) - Contains 100% moist liquid.
- Uh - oh, Davey got busted! Okay, this is not our product, Roland! Anyone who sells counterfeit luxury beauty products is clearly a sociopath.
Dave, I don't wanna tell you how to run your business, but 3 or 15 dollars for Gel Time is a total rip-off.
I mean, pharmacies hand those out for free on Halloween.
David, you have to talk to Wendy.
David: Okay, what am I gonna tell her? That her curious life partner, who looks nothing like me, is some big old con artist? (Roland laughs) $18 for toner? Why don't you just on some Gel Time? That stuff will strip your skin right off.
(Sniffs) Ooh.
Whoa! That was I know, like are good, but that was like You pulled some new tricks out.
New to you.
Anyway, David should leave you in charge of the store more often.
Um Ted, the door was unlocked the entire time! What? Someone could've like, walked in on us.
They would've gotten quite the show! It's very irresponsible and dangerous of us.
Well, now we know for next time.
Oh, um, I almost forgot, I never signed for that parcel.
Uh, I don't think the guy showed up? No, Ted Oh uh oh, yeah I I'd get your signature, but I guess I left my clipboard and scanner thing somewhere, so.
Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom? Apparently it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.
I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.
- Mhm let's go - let's go find your scanner thing.
Can I just request we actually drop the scanner thing bit just 'cause it's kinda throwing me off.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, this is nice! - Uh - Oh! Is that a sink? Oh! A sink it is! (Door slams) Alexis: Help me up, babe.
(Sink thuds to floor, Alexis screams) - Ted: Oh my God! - Alexis: Fuck! Ugh! (Sobbing) How are we still trapped in this Gothic horror show? You know, I think we've already missed the seaweed wrap, and at this rate, it's not looking good for the salt scrub.
You know, I wish there was something else we could do here, but uh, I really feel we've overstayed our welcome.
Yes, we should really hit the road.
In that big, fancy car of yours? Oh it's it's big, but it's not that fancy.
Listen folks, we don't want much, but you should cover the expenses of the funeral.
The funeral for your cat? Well, it was Baby's only cat.
Perhaps it's the lack of air, but I believe I saw three or four cats running around since this interrogation began.
It was my only tabby.
Okay, well maybe there's something we can do.
Does Bebe enjoy the theater? Hmm? How about two complimentary, partially-obstructed view seats to Cabaret? No! She likes the Kinky Shoes.
You got tickets to Kinky Shoes? I believe it's Kinky Boots.
And no.
John: Well, maybe a professional massage might help ease Baby's pain.
I like massages.
So, now you're taking Bebe to the spa? No, I wouldn't be taking her Moira, but maybe Baby can take her uh, grandmother.
- I'm her mother! - Yes, well that Yes, you are! And you are going to adore the rejuvenating facial peel.
Can I keep the slippers? This is my favourite after shave.
Wendy: This is for you.
- Go! - Okay.
- Wendy: On my feet - (Chatter continues) - Hi.
- Wendy, hi! David! Isn't this great? The two of us, back together! Successful in business! Successful in love.
- Mhmm, totally.
- Quick question for you, Wen You know, when Antonio came to me with this idea, I wasn't sure there was a market for another general store.
Everyone is doing them now.
Yeah, I was one of the first, but I get it.
And they sell all the same stuff.
I'm sure you've noticed a similarity - between our products and yours.
- Sure did.
Wendy can I speak with you for a moment? Sure.
Why don't we go over to your booth? It's so much quieter.
Okay.
Um, I don't wanna be the one to have to tell you this, but it's about your fiancé You know Brad? - Who's Brad? - My fiance.
I thought you and Antonio were Oh David (Laughs) We're business partners.
Oh! Okay.
Well, that's gonna make this a little easier.
Turns out Antonio is a common criminal.
- What? - Stevie give me the Look at this, please.
(Reads) 100% moist liquid? Antonio said it was locally sourced.
Sure.
If you consider the dollar store local.
These sell for 99 cents.
Well, he's been charging me way more! I'm so sorry, you had to hear this.
No, David, I'm glad you told me.
I was gonna go into business with this person.
And I'm ashamed to say, in my weaker moments, I've been tempted to cheat on poor, sweet Brad.
With Antonio? Well, obviously you picked up on the intense heat between us - if you thought we were a couple.
- Yeah.
Wendy, for several reasons I think you need to say goodbye to Antonio.
Ugh.
How I'm gonna tell Brad.
He and Antonio are roommates.
They share this tiny one-bedroom together.
And it is so crowded in there, they had to put the mirror on the ceiling.
Yeah.
Best to shut all that down, I think.
David, what would I do without you? I literally don't know, Wendy.
(Pensive exhale) You wanna get high? - No, but thank you.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, the delivery man came in, used the bathroom, somehow broke the sink, and then left without delivering the package.
That is correct.
I just find it strange that he would then leave a note saying, "sorry I missed you".
Yeah.
No I think he meant, like, sorry I missed you.
Because I was here the entire time.
And I actually think that he was like a little bit drunk, because he knocked over a lot of things.
And you were here for this? Um, no Well, you were here for part of it.
Right.
But I got here late my grandmother passed away.
- Oh God! - A few years ago.
And it just been real tough to get over.
Mhmm.
Well, fortunately we had these security cameras installed, so I guess I'll just show that to the insurance people? I don't really know how this works, Patrick went to that seminar.
Oh.
Um honestly, I-I don't think that you wanna do that.
You said that I could trust you.
First, the Tamagotchies, now this! Get out of my store.
Okay, fine.
You can take the money for the sink out of what you were going to pay me for today.
I wasn't planning on paying you anything.
Get out! You too.
Very disappointed.
And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.
When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks Out! - Hmm.
- (Bell jingles over door) Ugh! I don't wanna touch this.