Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e12 Episode Script

The Roast

1 (Both laughing) (Snort) Stop, oh my God! Oh! You must be having a lovely morning.
Hey now, it's just getting started.
Is it just getting started? Because it looks like the two of you have been engaged in general merriment for quite some time now.
- Did he just say "merriment?" - I think he did.
Yes, I said "merriment.
" Because that's what happens when I spend too much time with my mother, and I blame you two for it.
So how was uh, dinner last night? Ooh, long.
We spent two and a half hours going over a costume lineup for the show.
All so that you two of you could sneak off to some secret dance rehearsal behind her back like a pair of dirty con artists.
Hey listen, David, your Mom is a great director.
She's just not used to working with amateur dancers.
Yeah, last week she told me to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind.
I don't even know what that looks like.
This "Money" number is so complicated that if we don't get the outside help, we will be laughed off stage.
You've seen me dance.
Yes, you have legs like tree trunks, - we knew that going into this.
- Thank you.
Can we just have one more private session with Derek, - and then it's done.
- One more session?! I thought last night was the last session! Well, we couldn't nail the final lift.
What is this, "Dirty Dancing?!" David, please, just keep her distracted for one more night.
No.
No! It's too much! Okay, then I guess we can just tell her we're getting outside help.
Mm, good luck.
When she was coaching me for the "Little Mister" pageant, I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice, he was the hosting at the time.
Anyway, she found out, and felt so betrayed, she "forgot" to double-knot my tap shoes, and cost me the crown.
So I will cover for you for one more night.
But that is it! This better be worth it.
Excuse me, I have a job to do.
Oh.
(Birds chirp, dog barks) Mm, Ted, it smells so good in here! What's the occasion? Brunch.
That we were supposed to make together.
Oh, don't worry, babe, I've already eaten.
So then I guess I'll just have your plate - for dinner, then.
- Mm, yum! Hey, so I was thinking about maybe going into work - a little bit later today.
- Ah! Yay, if that means more Teddy time for me, then yes.
No actually, I've been thinking about maybe taking a longer break from work.
I'm listening.
What if we got out of town, just the two of us? - Like Thelma and Louise? - Nope.
Uh no, I was thinking somewhere more exotic, like, I don't know, somewhere that would have beaches for you, and some interesting wildlife for me? Okay, I've just been to Miami so many times before, and trust me, the "wildlife" is not as sexy up close.
No, I'm talking about farther away.
Like, I don't know the Galapagos Islands.
- I love that.
- Really? Yes, as a jumping-off point, yes! But if we're thinking islands, why don't we do something less sleepy and scary, like, The Maldives? Definitely something to consider.
And I guess while we're spit-balling here, you know, it could be kinda fun to go somewhere that you've never been before.
Like, I don't know, the Galapagos Islands.
Yes, Ted! An island somewhere for sure.
We just need to figure out where.
Mm.
But I'm so glad we're on the same page about this! Yeah, yeah.
And-And what page is that? Well, we both agree that we wanna get away, and we both agree that we're gonna land on somewhere so good.
Mhmm! Roland: Hey, Johnny.
I heard the news.
Boy, we are really going to miss Moira tonight at the annual Mayor's Roast.
I was looking forward to getting scorched.
Oh yeah, well, she's gonna miss it, too.
Yeah, I mean, when she starts going off, oh my God, you better have the burn unit on speed dial.
I mean, get the fire extinguishers ready, because she is just slinging heat! - Which ultimately becomes fire.
- Yeah, I get it, I get it.
She can, she can be funny on occasion.
Yeah, it's okay though, I've got uh, Bob's cousin, Louis, from Elm County, he's gonna come in and fill in for her, so.
Yeah well, Louis' the last guy that should be driving in for tonight.
Uh no, I-I uh I'm more than capable of taking Moira's place.
Johnny, I don't think so.
Those are pretty high heels to fill.
Well, don't you worry about me, I've uh I've handled myself pretty well humorously speaking, in front of large crowds before.
Jeez, if you bring up that Rose Video shareholder's meeting again You better be spending this time toughening your skin, Because I've got more than a few rippers up my sleeve for tonight.
Okay um, first off, I have no idea what "rippers" are.
Well, maybe you'd know, if you graduated elementary school.
(Guffaws) I can't believe you said that to me.
Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I Was that too far? (Laughs) Look at your face! "Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I go too far?" (Laughs) Oh pal, you are going to get eaten alive tonight! (Door latch clicks, slams) (Insects buzz, birds chirp) - (Horn honks) - Oh! Moira: David! What are you doing walking the streets all by yourself? You make me sound like a feral cat.
I'm walking home.
Don't tell me the store is already laying off people! No, Patrick sent me home to get a check that apparently is tax for the government, and not, as I assumed, a bonus for me.
Well, I'm glad I caught you, because I got your missive about wanting to sup this evening, and I'm afraid I must decline.
What? Why? Why? David, full disclosure, you have been awfully clingy of late.
Okay I think it might be propitious for you to spend some time with your peers.
What's Patrick doing tonight? Or Stevie? They're um, busy.
Busy? Well, rehearsals end sharply at six, so either one of them should be free to dine with you thereafter.
I just don't think they're available tonight.
Hmm, too tired? - Mm, yes.
Yeah.
- Yes.
They've both been struggling.
Yeah, that's-that's it.
Your choreography has been working them so hard they basically just go home and fall sleep, so actually your show is stripping me of a social life.
Alright, David, but it'll have to be a working repast.
I could use your eye for the final design of the posters.
Okay? You employ the wrong font, and you may as well bid Auf Wiedersehen to ticket sales.
- Can't wait.
- Until then, dear! We're both going home though! What the hell?! Alexis, you don't need to do those dishes.
I didn't, I just put them on the counter.
Um, I also found this on the counter.
"Charles Darwin Research Center.
" - What is this? - Oh, nothing.
Just-just some work stuff.
It says you were one of ten people selected for a research program.
Oh, what? That's crazy.
Is this why you kept bringing up those islands this morning? Oh, the Galapagos Islands? Uh, not necessarily, no.
Ted, why else would anyone wanna go there? You mean, other than wanting to study some of the rarest and most diverse forms of plant and animal life on the planet? Uh, yeah, I guess you have a point.
You were selected out of thousands of applicants? It just means that they'll have plenty of people to pick from when I don't accept.
Ted! Why didn't you tell me you were doing this? Because I applied before we got back together, and it takes a couple years to process the applications.
A couple years? It sounds important.
Well, listen, it's not not important.
But I can, I can always apply again.
You know, Emmett, the tortoise is 180-years-old, So I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years.
You love old tortoises! It sounds like a dream.
How long is the program? Six months.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, see, this is why I didn't wanna push it on you this morning, okay? Because you mean way more to me than some dumb once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity.
Ted, I don't know what to say.
I'd totally think about it, but like, my laptop's here Okay, honestly, just don't worry about it.
Well, what about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting "Pearl Harbor".
Okay, Alexis, I appreciate your creative problem solving, But.
you know, I-I wouldn't stay if I didn't feel like it was it was the right choice for me.
Babe, are you sure? - Yes.
- But are you sure, sure? Because I don't want you to not go like, just because of me.
Okay Alexis, that's exactly what's happening, but it's fine, okay? And I told you that it's fine, so it's-it's fine! - Okay.
- Okay.
(Magazine rustles) Okay so we're all good, then.
That was a good talk for everyone.
You know what I am gonna do? I'm gonna do those dishes.
Babe, do you have a dishwasher? Okay, I'm just gonna I'm gonna figure it out then.
Okay.
(Dish clatters) (Alexis sighs loudly) (Giggles) Sounds like someone's in a good mood.
What? Me? Oh.
Sorry, you know those days where you're just like, - super in love? - Hmm, not really.
You will.
Anyway, I'm just thinking about Ted and me.
I can't believe we've come such a long way, you know? Aww! Yeah.
I just feel so lucky to be with someone who would do anything for me.
Like, I just found out that he got this crazy job opportunity, and he's turning it down just to be with me.
Wow.
That is lucky.
He was ten people picked out of like, ten thousand.
Oh my God, and he's not going? No, I think his perspective was that there would be other opportunities.
Still, that must be totally heartbreaking for him.
But I guess relationships are all about sacrifice.
Oh my God, yes, Ted and I are so good at that whole give and take thing.
Like, he gives me so much, and I have learned to take as well.
And I'm sure you give things up for him all the time as well.
Totally.
But also, he never really asks me to, so that's hard for me to do for him.
But if he did, I would.
Oh, so he didn't ask you to go with him? Not technically.
Okay.
One day I hope I find a guy like Ted.
Someone who would literally put all their hopes and dreams aside to be with me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks for the chat, Twy.
You're like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume.
Oh, so I've got a lot of good material here, I just need some help sifting out the gold.
I still don't see why you dragged us into this.
Well, you can be a tough audience, Ronnie.
- What's that supposed to mean? - See? That's what I'm looking for, honest reactions.
Well, I've been honestly reacting quite strongly to your aftershave.
It's a bit too European for my taste.
Not the most helpful feedback, Bob.
Look, now that you've trapped us here, just What-what do you got, Johnny? Okay, here we go.
Well, it's 1791, and three explorers have landed Next.
I was flipping through the phone book the other day, and The phone book? How old are these?! Well, you're not even letting me get to the punchlines, Ronnie.
Johnny, you need a search and rescue team to find the punchlines for those setups.
Ah! Top ten things you don't want Roland - to be in charge of - Ten too many.
Johnny, you gotta be short and quick, Like Roland in the bedroom.
(Laughs) Now, that, that one kills every year.
Oh no, I love that one, is that one up for grabs? No.
You've gotta go for the jugular, Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health, and you'll be fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to work, which, up until now, was the most boring part of my day.
Well, I'd love to use that Roland in the bedroom joke.
Fine, but I have a feeling it ain't gonna help you.
(Chuckles) Man, when she's on fire, look out! Well, you haven't seen me on fire, Bob.
(Insects buzz) I'm glad I let you talk me into another dinner, David.
That note you had about including my name on the poster as a sales tool, that's something I've been debating for some time now.
Well, your name was already on the all mock-ups, so it was really more of an observation.
That reminds me, I must pop by the rehearsal space, Jocelyn said some color samples were dropped off today.
Okay yeah, I hmm.
I don't know if-I don't know if I need to see color samples, you just showed me all the mock-ups.
But the printers require my sign-off first thing, David.
Well, it's-it's late, I mean, it's It's 7:15.
Are you sure you should be walking over there alone at this hour? Okay David, no more "True Crime TV" before bed for you.
I refuse to buy you another night-light! Okay, well why don't I just pick them up for you, then? - (Cell phone beeps) - Ah! (Buttons click) Hey, be careful! Both: When you haven't any coal in the stove And you freeze in the winter and curse through the wind And your fate when you haven't any shoes on your feet And your coat's thin as paper And you look 30 pounds underweight When you go to get a word Of advice from the fat little pastor What the hell?! I don't-I don't know.
Both: At the window (Music, tapping) - At the window! - Who's there? - Hunger! - Ooh, hunger! Both: See how love flies out the door Money makes the world go round The world go round the world Money makes the world go round The clinking clanking sound of Money money money money money money money money - Get a little! - Get a little! Both: Money money money money A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound Clinking clanking clunking sound It's all that makes the world go round Makes the world go round! (Both panting and laughing) - Stevie: Oh my God.
- Ahem.
David, what are you doing here? I have questions.
Mrs.
Rose, this is Derek.
He's been just helping us practice the steps to the number.
And how long have you all been moonlighting? Just just about a week.
It's a really fun piece.
Yes, I'm aware, thank you.
- I'm just gonna head outside.
- Stevie: Yeah.
Yes.
Thanks, Derek.
So all this time I thought Poor David thought that you were home, resting your instruments! - Ohh - I'm so disappointed.
- Both: Sorry, David.
- It's okay.
However, in the business of show, skullduggery, when it leads to such thrilling results, a pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay.
(Clapping) - Oh, is that good? - Yeah, I think so.
You choreographed this? I loosened the pickle jar.
Derek merely popped the lid.
Very impressed.
Was not embarrassed at all.
And I thought I would be.
So sweet.
(Car rumbles, shuts engine off) Babe! I didn't like how we left things this morning.
Me neither.
I'm the one that should be sorry.
No, I should've been more direct, and we should've just talked this through.
And I actually did some research on the Maldives, and there's this beautiful resort that we could stay at, it just means we might have to work there part-time, to cover the costs.
But I feel like I could teach windsurfing.
Of course you've done research on this trip.
But you've done too much for me already.
You do too much for me.
And so I think it's time that I give something back to you.
My FitBit? No.
I lost that.
But the last thing I wanna do is stand between you and this job.
You've worked so hard, and I'm proud of you.
And so, yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you.
Uh, you mean the Galapagos? Yeah, wherever the turtles are.
Are you sure, sure? No.
But, yes.
(Both laugh) Muah! Alexis, you continue to amaze me.
I can't wait to do this with you.
Oh! We're gonna need to shots.
Yes! Let's celebrate! Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations.
Mm Yeah, just 'cause we'll be spending a lot of time in tents, and there could be disease-carrying - insects around, so.
- Okay.
Okay.
Um, this is still very fresh.
I made this decision like, two minutes ago, so why don't we focus more on the beach, and less on the details? Fair enough.
(Laughs) (Raucous laughter) When it comes to making decisions, Roland likes to go with his gut.
And boy, does he have a lot of gut to go with.
- Ohhhh! - (All laugh) Yes, I do.
And look at Bob, pretending to get it.
And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years! All: Ohhh! (Laughter) Oh, that-Ronnie is just crushing it! I mean, you know, everybody really has so far.
Okay, okay, that's all I got for now.
So I'm just gonna hand it over to the one who wears the pants in the Rose family.
But Moira is not here right now.
(Audience laughs) So I'm gonna pass it over to Johnny.
All right, Johnny! Go on! Head on up there! Let's see what you've got up your starched sleeve of yours.
I'll tell you what I've got up my sleeve Roland, a few tasty little rippers that uh are more palatable than anything Jocelyn's been serving up tonight, so.
Hey, is that a crack about my cooking? From the guy who's had four helpings? - (All laugh) - Roland: Yeah! Oh, and Bob's joking about me having four helpings, we all know if you've ever taken your car to Bob's Garage, he's not necessarily known "four helpings" anyone.
(Chuckles) (Silence, dog barks outside) Well anyway, a couple of little improvs there to get started, but uh, uh - what was I saying? - Nothing funny so far.
(Roland laughs) Hey Johnny, come on, I've got a white flag, - why don't you just start waving it? - All: Ohhh! Yeah, Roland, may I point out that I was quiet when everyone else was up here doing their roasts.
I wish you were quiet right now! (All laugh) Well, things seem to be going downhill fast.
Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland elected himself Mayor.
(Audience laughs) Okay, I'll give him that.
Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie.
The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants! (Audience laughs) Where? Where? (Audience laughs) All right, Johnny, starting to make some moves, now.
Cargo, I said car-go, which is what a car is supposed to do unless you take it to Bob's Garage! (All laugh) Well listen, I don't want to overstay my welcome, I'll keep things short and quick.
Which reminds me of the last time I was in Roland's bedroom, um well, I-I wasn't in Roland's bedroom, but the - Ah! What was it, Ronnie? - Just sit down, Johnny.
Well anyway, the punchline is, it was short and quick.
(Forced laughter) Anyway, I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead, folks.
(Audience laughs) I think it's a little late for that, pal.
- Ohhh! - (Audience laughs) Good job, Johnny, all right.
(Audience laughs) Johnny: No, I wish you guys could've been there tonight.
I was really ripping into them.
Yes, I'm sure you killed them, dear, with all the venom of a silkworm.
Oh, you know what, Moira? Jealousy doesn't look good on you.
Much like that mirrored jumpsuit you wore to Candy Spelling's 50th! - John! - Oh my God, Dad! Why don't you take it easy, Alexis, like you did with your education? - (Laughs) - Ugh! - I mean, he's not wrong.
- Oh, look at David.
Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.
Burn, David! Okay, here's why that joke didn't work.
And look at you, John.
A worthy competitor emerges.
Something the good people at Blockbuster never said about Rose Video.
Ha! Ha! That was low, like David's standards.
(Laughs) Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
Alexis has a back tattoo? Alexis, what have you done to yourself?! It says "that's hot" in Cantonese.
- Got it in Hong Kong.
- Ugh! I was 12-years-old!