Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e04 Episode Script

Maid of Honor

Oh my God, I just sent you the first trailer to the "Crows" movie! - What?! - My "Crows" movie? No.
They sent over a little sneak peak before it goes live tomorrow.
Oh, Alexis! This is a critical moment.
A siren call to the cinematic rapture that is to come.
- How did it look? - It like literally just came through John, draw the curtains.
- David! - David: What? We're going to watch the "Crows" trailer.
No! No, go away.
Perhaps I should screen it privately first.
Well, I'm here now.
So the least you could do is show me it.
- (Curtains rasp) - Dad! John, it's practically obsidian in here! You just said close the curtains! Okay.
Okay, family, be kind.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, we gotta press play.
- Oh.
Ad voice: Some banks make mortgages way too complicated.
I don't remember any of this ? - Oh, it's just an ad, Sweetheart.
- Skip it.
(Thunder cracks) (Sinister music) (Crow caws) Trailer voice: There was a time when the Crows were our friend - It's halted.
Someone hit resume.
- Just let it buffer.
- Friends.
- Well, we best be returning Dad, I told you we needed to upgrade the Wi-Fi.
Oh, this is a no way an optimal viewing experience.
- It's back! - Okay, start it over.
Ad Voice: Some banks make mortgages - You know what, this is excruciating.
- You know what, Sweetheart? Why don't you just give us a holler when it's ready? (Happy sigh) Oh my God, David! I totally forgot about the wedding dream book! Um, where did you find that? Um, I was looking for an earring and found it under your pillow.
Anyway, you did it.
You manifested your wedding and I'm like literally stunned.
You're stunned.
Yeah, but like in a good way.
Like think of all the people on the planet who find someone, somehow you're one of those people.
I don't know how to take that.
I mean, you didn't end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman.
But I actually feel like Patrick is kind of - the best of both of them.
- Mhmm.
Oh, so you're still gonna do Keira Knightley's green dress from Atonement as my maid of honor look? You know what, haven't got to that stage in the planning process yet.
So I'm not quite sure.
Well, I'm here for a month so you better put me to work while your can.
- (Knocking) - Hm.
Come in.
Well, if it isn't our very own little JC Chasez.
- Sorry.
Who? - Ooh, we've been over that.
Um, we should probably go though.
Where are my favourite groom and David off to? (Polite chuckles) We are taking Patrick to get his suit fitted.
What kind of suit? - Hopefully my wedding suit.
- Oh my God.
Well, I'll just grab my bag, and come with.
You know what, I don't even know if that's necessary.
Honestly, David, it's fine.
I'm your maid of honor.
Um hmm Okay re: that.
You weren't supposed to be here for six months, so I might have asked someone else.
Well, I'm here now.
So who did you ask? If you say Ronnie Oh, I don't think she would have said say yes.
- Does not like him.
- Yeah.
Um, I asked Stevie.
David, you better be talking about Stevie Nicks.
Stevie said yes? I mean, it was more of a reluctant "sure.
" Okay, well, it sound like she doesn't actually wanna do it.
So why don't I just come with, and I will gently take it off her hands.
But I don't want any hurt feelings.
Because the last thing we need right now is interpersonal conflict eclipsing my our day.
Imagine what I could do with you bachelor party, David.
Diplo still sends me nudes.
- It's a DJ.
- Okay.
(Lock turns, keys jingle) Oh Roland, I'm shocked.
These rooms are in good shape.
Well, I don't know what you were expecting, Johnny.
I mean, no offense, but I don't throw good money down on lemons.
Who am I, you buying your car? Okay, we've had no problems with the car, Roland.
No, this place has good bones.
Oh, look the maid forgot to pick up her tip.
Is that a bag full of money? Yeah, it's kinda a generous tip when you consider she didn't clean up this garbage and this loaded gun.
All right.
Don't point it, put it down.
Put the gun down.
Someone's clearly been squatting here.
And by the looks of it, they don't appear to be on the up and up.
Well, maybe Benny and Betty left this here.
And we just inherited a bag of money and a gun.
If we're gonna split it up, I call the money.
We're not taking the money, Roland.
Whoever left it here is obviously coming back for it.
Why do you say that? I left a pack of chewing gum at the movie theater two weeks ago, and I haven't gone back for it.
Look at this, a cigarette and a newspaper.
That stuff could've been here for years.
Then explain why the coffee is still hot? - It's called global warming, Johnny.
- Okay.
Why do you strike me as one of those people that doesn't believe in that.
Roland, I say we go to the police.
We have to let them handle it.
And then what? We offer our guests a discount to stay in the middle of a crime scene.
Then what do you suggest? Let's stake out the place, Person comes back, takes their stuff, leaves, and we can change the locks.
Okay, we give it a day, see if the guy comes back.
Or gal.
This is the 21st century, Johnny.
- Okay.
- Let's get with it.
Come on.
- I'm with it.
- (Door shuts) (Dog barks in the distance) Well, we best be returning to the lab, Nathaniel.
It's getting (caws) dark.
But it's the middle of the afternoon, must be a solar eclipse.
That's not an eclipse, Nathaniel! Those are birds! - (Cawing) - Ahhh! And so (caws) what have we done?! (Thunder cracks) (Cawing) (Panicked screaming) (Sinister music) (Cawing) Trailer voice: "The Crows Have Eyes: The Crowening.
" (Clapping) Mrs.
Rose, was that you the whole time? Indeed it was.
Thanks in large part to the thaumaturgy of our special effects department.
Stunning, isn't it? What a human beak can do? So wait.
Did you get the virus in the end? Was that not clear? Should we give it another watch? No, I think three times through is the sweet spot.
This is so exciting.
What if it gets nominated for an Oscar? Twyla! No, we must keep the carriage in the wake of the mare.
(Taps) Golden Globe, perhaps, but I won't let myself envisage that.
I gotta say, those special effects looked way better than what I pictured when you described it.
Credit the technical wizardry of our team of imaginators.
Gals, we're being rude.
Jocelyn hasn't had a chance to render her opinion, though the adulation does appear to be unanimous.
Well it looked just like a real movie.
Now there is the quote for the sizzle reel! (All laugh) Oh it's-it's neat! "Neat.
" To see you in a in a real movie.
Anyways, I bet we are dying to get to rehearsal, ladies.
So let's get those stands.
Of course.
We'll pick up this parley after rehearsal.
- Were the crows nice? - Hm.
My uncle had a parrot that just kept asking me to take my bra off.
Okay, so you guys just chat up here, and I'll keep it cool, keep it casual.
Here she comes.
She'll probably gonna be uncomfortable admitting that she doesn't wanna be a part of your wedding party, so I'm gonna make her feel like she's doing me a favour.
- Patrick: Isn't she though? - Alexis: Okay.
That's funny.
More of that.
But aim it at David.
- (Door shuts) - Please drive.
(Engine turns) - Like, now.
- Yep.
So that's your uniform, huh? You do know that "Pan Am" was canceled after a season, right? Cool and casual, please David.
I am sitting next to her so I will be the one to handle this.
This is the flight attendant's uniform.
Why am I wearing it, you ask? Because this morning I found out I was gonna be a flight attendant on a real flight.
Wait, didn't you like just start? Uh, less than a week ago? Yeah.
So how safe can the plane be if I'm the one in charge of saving people's lives? Yeah.
Not safe.
So you probably just wanna like head home then.
I'm fine.
As long as I don't have to go back there.
I was gonna put my life in danger for what? To see the world? They only fly to Hoboken, Windsor and South Dakota.
I've actually heard South Dakota is quite scenic.
- Okay.
- Did you know that Larry Air has 18 ongoing lawsuits? - One of which is from Larry himself.
- Wow, okay.
Got it.
I left a job that I actually liked for this.
What is wrong with me? How honest do you want us to be? Oh no, babe.
It sounds like you have so much on your plate already, on top of your bridesmaids duties.
Are you sure you want that much stress? As crazy as this sounds, I'm actually looking forward to that.
Feel like it's the only job I can't mess up at this point.
(Door opens and shuts) Okay, Johnny.
As soon as we get this place up and running the first order of business is to restock the vending machine.
Do you know that all they had was this Drink Tyme Orange Sodas and one bag of Poly Puffs.
All right, we're gonna have to get some brand names in there.
No, I'm saying get more of this.
Do you realize that this soda is made with 99% real drink.
You can't argue with that kind of math.
Roland, can you focus on the task at hand please? If we're gonna be partners, you've gotta take this job more seriously.
Well, why do you think I got these snacks? I mean we could be on this stakeout for days, maybe weeks.
- (Car rumbles up) - Someone's coming.
(Door opens) Get down.
(Door shuts) (Mouthful) It is a man.
Your sexist instincts were right as usual.
Good, good, good.
Maybe he'll just get his stuff and leave.
He's taken off his jacket.
He's going to the vending machine? Roland, we can't have squatters here.
One of us is gonna have to talk to him.
Johnny, the guy has a gun.
Okay, then as partners, I think it's only fair thing to do is handle this together.
I just need a minute to figure out what I'm gonna say.
- (Light knock on door) - Come in.
Oh, good, Jocelyn, I caught you in a moment of repose.
I was just grading book reports.
Tell me about it! So how are you doing, Jocelyn? You seem to be wishing to discharge something from your chest today at rehearsal and didn't get a chance.
- Uh, no, I'm fine.
- You're fine.
Why? Why do you hate my movie? - I just saw the trailer.
- Exactly! Yet you've already deemed it this year's John Carter.
- I never said that.
- You didn't have to.
Just the look in your eyes sent a chilling, wet gust of raspberries to my face.
I just don't like horror movies.
My first boyfriend took me to a Michael Meyers movie and I never got over it.
Not "The Love Guru"? Moira, you don't really care if I like your movie? Don't be giddy.
But just so you know, Jocelyn, an actress is only as happy as her unhappiest audience.
What do we think? Bow tie or no bow tie.
- Oh, bow.
- No bow.
I sort of feel like bow tie is kind of classic, no? Okay, you sort of made it seem like you weren't sure.
I'm not sure.
But I also very much am.
Also, a black bow ties photograph better.
I should know.
I once hooked up with three different GQ Men of the Year.
At the GQ Men of the Year party.
Okay, sorry.
I'm probably not the person to ask for fashion stuff.
Um, speaking of maid of honor duties Stevie? Thoughts on the bachelor party.
Um, I think I was just gonna see what David wanted to do? Okay.
I'm super easy.
Although I did find a gorgeous ryokan in Hakone With a hot spring-fed onsen on the balcony? Private Chef optional.
But I'm open to other ideas.
Hot tip: it often makes for less stress if you just plan it yourself and then tell the bride after.
Stevie, not hot on that tip.
Okay? Okay, I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to this job than I thought.
Tell me about it.
I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal.
Like nothing.
Are you sure you shouldn't do this? Because, I mean you're here now, you're David's sister, and you're clearly better suited for the job.
Oh my God, Stevie.
I get why you and everyone else would be asking that question, but the answer is like maybe? What am I doing? Well, we can just crossfade responsibilities.
What am I doing with my life.
I'm now unemployed in my thirties.
For the second time in a week.
I left your dad high and dry at the motel and now I'm (Stressed exhale) Okay, all of what you're saying may be very, very true.
Which is why I will not let you give up this job.
You can do this.
And if you can't, I will be here for the whole month to help you through it.
Bring it in, girl.
Oh no, I don't think you need to okay.
- (Door creaks open) - (David gasps) Hey, what do we think about this one? Oh my God.
Since when did James Bond shop to Elm Glenn? - So that's a yes? - Yes.
Um, we still need to pick a tie.
So what does our maid of honor think? Hm.
Which one is your favourite.
Hm Yes.
Can we just get married already? I'm kidding, I want pageantry that takes months and months to plan.
- Of course you do.
- You look so good.
Fits in the shoulders.
Make you button it up.
(Hushed) Thank you.
(Keys jingle) Okay.
Oh, I really don't know about this, Roland.
Still feels like a police matter to me.
Johnny, you got this.
Remember there is two of us, one of him so.
- Okay.
- (Knocks) Of course he does have that gun.
- Yeah? - Hi.
My name is Johnny Rose and this is my partner Partner.
(Laughs) He calls me No we actually just met.
What're you, guys, cops? (Laughs nervously) No.
No, no.
No weapons here.
No, we're um, we're the new owners of this motel and we just stopped by and say hi, and to get a little more information about what exactly you are doing here on our property.
And by the way, whatever you're doing is A-okay with me.
But unfortunately Professor Prude here is not too keen on "squatters.
" Who said I'm a squatter? I'm a long-term tenant.
Betty told me she'd bake that into the contract.
Bake it into the contract.
Roland? Was it in the contract? The contract is like 25 pages.
- That's what lawyers are for.
- Well, I'm a lawyer.
And I assure you that it's in there.
You're a lawyer? Then might I ask what you're doing here? I'm a prosecutor.
And uh, when you're putting away the kind of guys I do - Or gals.
- No, never women.
It's always safest to keep a low profile.
So part of that involved paying Betty and Benny in cash.
(Relieved exhales) Okay.
Well, that explains what that big ole bag was for.
- How do you know I have a big old bag? - I didn't know.
I don't know anything about a bag.
You guys have been in my room, haven't you? You know I keep a lot of very highly classified - documents in here.
- Uh, no, it wasn't us.
But we will make sure no one ever pokes around - in here again.
- Right.
We wouldn't want you to have to use your gun.
You found my gun? I don't know what he's talking about.
Obviously you're a valued guest here.
So here's my card, and we can set up the same cash payments that you gave to Betty.
Have a very pleasant stay.
(Door slams) Well, Johnny, you still wanna call the cops? Okay, you were right on this one, Roland.
I think this was a pretty important one to be right on.
Our first guest, not bad, huh? - Not bad.
- Okay.
How about "Good job, Roland.
" - Good job, Roland.
- You're a professional, Roland.
Clara Mandrake: What have we done?! (Thunder cracks, crows cawing) Good.
And the egg-laying feels grounded.
- (Door opens) - Hi Moira, I don't wanna interrupt you, I can see you're busy watching the trailer again.
I just wanted to apologize for earlier.
No need to self-flagellate, Jocelyn.
Even if yours is the lone dissenting voice in the canticle.
Sorry, Moira, I think my reason for not wanting to jump on the bandwagon is just that I've seen you get your hopes up before, only to be disappointed when things didn't work out.
I don't require coddling.
I know.
Now that I realize that my opinion means something to you, there is a lot that I liked about the trailer Do go on.
(Clears throat) (reads) "From the first ominous syllable of the narrator's tale, one can feel the hair on one's arms standing at affrighted attention.
Yes, there will be blood.
And, yes, you will be horror-struck.
But, more than that, you will be lured, against every instinct for self-preservation, to look inside, and face your very own futile resistance to transfiguration.
" - Who wrote that? - I did.
You? You did.
Oh, wow Jocelyn, thank you.
Nothing about me or my performance? Oh.
It's just a first draft.
- I really liked your feathers! - Mhmm.
They're very life-like.
They are real.
1200 of them hand-sewn into my costume.
The live crows on set welcomed me as their own.
One even tried to mate.
- Ooh.
Sounds dangerous.
- (Chuckles) Wow.
Perhaps one more watch to get your superlatives surging anew? Oh Moira, I'm sure that you're tired and okay.
Trailer Voice: "There was a time when the Crows were our friends.
" - That voice really is creepy.
- Shh.
Wow, so what happened? She was ready to hand over the crown.
Oh, she was, but I feel like she needs it more than I do.
Who are you? I know, right? Like what's happening to me? - You're going soft.
- Ugh.
But don't worry.
I won't tell anyone.
Anyway, it might kill me on the day, but I'm glad that she actually found something - to distract herself.
- Hm.
Speaking of the day I have a better job for you? Okay.
I think it would be a weird look for me to be a flower girl at my age, David.
I've thought about it and I want you to give me away.
Oh my God, David.
That's like arguably the most important role of the wedding.
A simple yes or no is fine.
No need to pull focus.
I do.
Although now that I think about it, I could also be the flower girl.
Like come out first, wearing a gown made entirely of flowers - No.
- Just walk down the aisle, - and loop back - Absolutely not.
And then quick outfit change, and we're up.
I take it back, I'm gonna ask Jocelyn.
- Hm.
Hey - Enough.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode