Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e05 Episode Script

The Premiere

1 (Drum roll, Blue Jay cries) (Clears her throat) As your publicist, it is my job to optimize a branded approach to real-time engagement with your fan-base through contextual marketing.
I hope I'm not paying you by the word.
Which is why I came up with the ideation for the following idea.
(Paper crinkles) "Crows.
" "Movie.
" - "Premiere?!" - They're doing a premiere? I thought it was streaming on Interflix? (Excited) Where are they thinking? LA? New York? London might be central for the Bosnian team.
No, they're not doing a premiere.
Alexis, your flip-chart says "premiere.
" Okay, will you let me finish what I'm trying say? What're you trying to say? I'm sorry, why are you even involved in this conversation? - (Yells) What is it, Alexis?! - Oh my God, okay! So I thought because they're not throwing a premiere, we could plan a premiere screening here in town.
Could be like a cute press angle.
Oh, sure, for a scrappy little novice, but not for someone who's cut many a crimson rug.
What's next, I sign my name in the pavement outside Bob's Garage? Jocelyn gives you an honorary degree at her school? - Host the Met Ga-la at David's store? - I don't like that one.
No, I have like big plans for an immersive experience.
Ronnie said that she can find a red carpet, and Roland has a guy who rents out live crows.
I think we should take the lead from Interflix.
I cannot stop the masses from gathering to view the film, but best best to avoid any fulsome in-decorum until we're assured a positive reaction.
Remember that "Waterworld II" premiere? Exactly, David.
Oh, the last place anyone wanted to be when those reviews came in was a glass-bottomed pirate ship - in the middle of the ocean.
- Mm.
- Good luck though.
- Lick rust! Thank you! (Car rumbles) Can't thank you enough for driving today, Stevie.
I don't know what is going on with my car.
I do.
It's a death trap that needs to be set on fire and pushed off a cliff.
Well, I'd love to say I had a choice in the matter, but according to David, driving his fiancé to go get his wisdom teeth out is totally within my maid-of honor responsibilities.
Okay, tell me how I'm being unreasonable? Also, if this is what it takes to get you out of that dank little apartment Excuse me, I have a business meeting this afternoon.
Just gonna leave it at that? Mr.
Rose asked if he could come over to my place.
I think he's gonna push for me to come back, and I don't know if I can say no.
And that's a bad thing? I'm supposed to be looking for other jobs.
Honestly, Stevie, what other job is better than owning your own business? I guess I just feel like after making such a big deal out of wanting to see what else is out there, isn't it kind of pathetic to like crawl back? Don't answer that.
I already turned down another job interview today.
Maybe you just needed to see what you didn't want in order to figure out what you do? Look at me.
Two years ago, I thought I'd have a wife and kid at this point.
(Snorts) Yeah, well, one out of two isn't bad.
I've been told I'm very young at heart.
(Car jostles) Can you drive better, please? (Dog barks nearby, birds chirp) (Door chimes tinkle) (Low hum of chatter, music plays quietly) - Hi.
- Uh-oh! Hello, Access Hollywood? Have I got a star sighting for you! (Giggles) Very pawky, Jocelyn.
I just heard the big news.
A movie premiere in our own backyard! I might have to buy a dress! Uh save yourselves the trip to Frocks4Less.
From what I've heard, it's more of a minor league viewing party.
Well, I'm still excited.
It reminds me of that time that Renée Zellweger's brother came in here, and I got him to sign a menu.
I mean, he spelled his name differently, but I swear it was him.
(Laughs) Well, I don't know, Moira, I'm no movie expert, but according to the early reviews, you may have a hit on your hands.
- Reviews? - Yeah.
There was an article posted on the Crows account that you made us all follow.
Come look! Ornithology Today! Well, if anyone knows crows "The Crows Have Eyes III is 'good fun.
'" Well, that's hyperbolic.
I mean, they already had "fun" (Laughs) and now they've added "good.
" (Laughs) Keep reading! "The film showcases the emotional depth and intellectual capacity of our oft-maligned friend, the crow.
" We were resolute about not making an issues movie, but I'm glad they picked up on that.
It mentions you, Moira.
It does? Where? My eyes are blurred.
Oh, here it is.
"Moira Rose, as Dr.
Clara Mandrake, is delightfully unhinged.
" Do you know what they call this, gals? An understated rave.
Oh, it's too bad you won't be there tonight.
It would've been nice to cheer you on.
- Yeah, and my plus-one, Janet from the Elmdale Chronicle, would've really loved a quote.
Well, you might want to tell your friend Janet that there just may be a bombshell attendee after all.
(Gasps) Yay! A premiere! Oh, I don't know if I have anything fancy enough to wear.
Oh, my default is always formal, but I'm sure no one will bat a side-eye at black-tie casual.
Oh, but do pack eye-drops! The film's first third is densely packed with exposition, and you won't want to blink.
Are you sure it's okay that we haven't seen the first two movies? Oh, it's actually best.
A lot of this film blatantly contradicts what's been established in the first two.
Sorry, Twyla.
I'm not going to eat now! - (Door chimes tinkle) - Both: (Squeal excitedly) (Dog barks, door opens) - Okay, here we go.
- That was a fun car ride.
Yes, it was very fun.
Thank you so much for all the hot tips you were giving our Uber driver.
For a second, I was concerned about my rating, but I think he seemed to enjoy all the wrong directions you were yelling at him.
David, I'm hungry.
I'm a hungry, hungry hippo 'Kay, we're not supposed to feed you right now.
Can you make me a lasagna, David? (Laughs) Imagine? No.
I think we rest this little voice, 'cause you have been chatting ever since - the dentist's office.
- Why are you so handsome? I mean, unless you wanna keep talking.
In which case, that works as well.
How come your skin is like perfect.
It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day.
- It's not a big deal.
- I'm tired.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know what, we should probably get you over to the bed.
You know what I really wanna do with you? Uh-huh.
Ethically speaking, I don't think we can do that with you in this state.
Have a baby.
'Kay, we will make a baby as soon as you sober up.
Oh no, not make a baby.
Have a baby.
Like I wanna have like a little baby with you.
And we could just love it and hold it and bounce it.
Yeah, that's a that's a big one-eighty.
- You would be such a good dad.
- Have we met? I wish you were my dad.
Okay, now we're just spiraling off - in all directions.
- Shh! Listen, okay? Come here, come here.
I got a secret.
- I don't - Come on.
Mm (Whispering) David? I'm very hungry.
Okay, there's nothing I can do about that.
- Wait.
Just lie down with me.
- Okay.
- I wanna, I wanna hold you.
- Mm-hmm.
(Sighs) Imagine us right now, but just with a little baby.
(Car whooshes, cicadas drone) (Knocking) (Door opens) - Johnny: Hey, Stevie! - Hey Hey.
(Sighs breezily) Oh! What's this? Thank you.
You didn't have to bring anything.
Oh, just a little housewarming platter, since it's my first time here.
Twyla whipped up some sandwiches.
- Hope you like mayo.
- Thank you.
Wow, so this is, this is your place.
I'm glad you didn't feel you needed to clean up on my account, you know? It shows just how comfortable a friendship we actually have.
- I did clean up.
- Right.
That's what I meant.
You didn't feel the need to clean up, but I appreciate the fact that, uh, that you did.
How are things at the motel? Good.
We bought the second motel! First phase of many in the Rosebud Motel expansion.
Big things on the horizon, Stevie, which is, uh, why I wanted to sit down with you today.
But not on your bed.
Oh, here.
So Stevie, it goes without saying that you've been an invaluable part of the team.
You don't need to sell me on the team, Mr.
And when I was your age, I had a million and one ideas and things I wanted to explore, and I know it takes time to find the right fit.
Which is why I have a proposal.
Oh! Okay.
I wanna buy you out.
(Stunned) Oh! Now I know the motel has been a weight on your shoulders, and I can offer you installment payments to give up your status as owner.
And that would give you some financial stability while you take the time and figure things out.
(Flustered) I thought you were gonna try to talk me into coming back.
Oh, no, no.
That wouldn't be fair.
Wouldn't be fair to you.
I'm not gonna stand in the way of you finding what makes you happy.
And, and speaking of, I wanted to give you this.
(Paper rustles) (Under her breath) Oh, wow I don't know what to say.
Well, once you get past the haircut and the dated references, I'm sure you might find something useful in there to help you get your footing.
You don't have to downplay your excitement on my account, Stevie.
I'll be just fine.
(Dog barks outside) (Inhales then sighs) (Birds chirp outside) (Door bangs shut) Okay, so I may have a problem.
Oh, it's barely noticeable, dear.
We'll find you an electrologist.
No, I'm talking about the viewing party.
I just got a call from the Elmdale Chronicle.
Ah yes, Jocelyn's guest.
We'll need to set aside an extra seat.
Okay, it's just that I know that you don't wanna make a big deal about of this, so I can just tell them not to come.
I may have been wrong and you may have been not wrong.
We can position this as a terrifying tale premiering in an equally spine-chilling town.
If the ornithologist review is any barometer, Alexis, we m-m-m-m-m may just have a hit on our hands.
Um, last week, you told me explicitly that this was not a premiere, and now it's too late.
Alexis, if you want to cut your teeth as a high-profile publicist, you'll need to get used to throwing things together - in a crunch.
- I have four hours! That's eons! When Demi decided on a Friday night at 6 pm that she wanted to celebrate her 40th in Aspen, her publicist had us in parkas by 7.
Sadly, Megan went into cardiac arrest on the flight, but she perished doing what she loved.
Um, is that your gown? What is that for? Oh, I thought I might throw it on for tonight.
So you're going to the screening? Yes.
A simple "Thank you, Mother" might be a nice place to start.
Also, I thought you returned that? I did! Or I know I returned a dress.
A glittering, backless thing.
Stella McCartney, I think.
That was mine.
I've been looking for that.
- Blame UPS.
- Ugh! (Birds chirp) (Chairs thunk, trolley rattles) Roland: Hey, Alexis, this better be good.
I was in the middle of a pre-show bath, and with the baby around, I only get that kind of me-time maybe - five to six nights a week, so - Mm-hmm.
I assume this has something to do with all the calls we're getting from TV stations, asking where they can park their vans? Um, yeah.
So the premiere may be getting like a little bit bigger than I had planned.
Oh, snap! It's a premiere now? 'Cause first you said it was, and then you said it was just a viewing party.
Yeah, and, and if it's a premiere, we're all in trouble, because my skinny jeans are in the wash.
(Sighs) No, it is a premiere.
Unfortunately, that decision was made like half an hour ago, so it would be really helpful if I could just tell you what I need.
Oh no, the red carpet that you told me not to order? Yes, but at this point, I will settle for any shade of red, and it doesn't have to be sixty feet.
Okay, good, 'cause all I've got is a 20-foot Merlot in my garage.
I ripped out after the church basement flooded.
That sounds amazing.
And obviously you're coming to me for a little star power.
I get it.
It'd be good to have a name there tonight.
- No.
You're the crow hook-up.
I wanted to create like a headline-grabbing moment where I release a bunch of crows just before the movie starts.
Uh, excuse me, it's a little late notice.
What about the liquor license? 'Cause I assuming people are gonna wanna be drinking through this thing.
Okay, we have a situation on our hands that needs to be solved now.
We have a 12-time Daytime Emmy Award-attending actress coming to walk a Merlot carpet in hours, and press coming from all over, bringing attention to your town.
So either you can help me out or I pull the plug now and nobody wins.
(Dog barks outside) Fine.
But you owe me a prime spot on that carpet.
Wait, you wanna walk the carpet? Honey, it's a movie premiere, is it not? - Ugh.
- And I assume the mayor is walking the carpet as well, yes? Yes if he has to.
Okay, I will schedule your arrival time when I get home.
I would like to request a time before Roland.
- And I'd like to go first.
- Mm-'Kay.
All right, I better get back and put my skinny jeans into the dryer.
I think they're really gonna pop on your 20-foot Merlot.
I think so too! They're gonna pop on that carpet.
(Exhales) Okay.
Mm! Okay.
(Car door closes, vehicle rumbles by) (Door opens) Stevie! Perfect timing.
I was having a technical issue opening a file here.
It's, uh, being finicky.
Uh, remember, Mr.
Rose? I left you a sticky note.
(Mouse clicks) Ah! Boy, it's times like this I really miss having you around, Stevie.
Well, um, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Mr.
Um, you know how you told me to take some time and figure out what made me happy? Well, I think I have settled on something.
Is it Larry Air? 'Cause they called me for a reference, and also asked if I had any interest in becoming a pilot.
No, it's not Larry Air.
So chapter one of your book is all about trusting your instincts, and I haven't been doing that.
Oh, well, that's okay, Stevie.
I mean, learning to trust your instincts is something that comes with age and experience.
I'm talking about trusting your instincts.
I think I've been taking them for granted.
So, you read my book? Most of the first chapter.
I didn't sleep well last night, so I kind of dozed off.
Well, the first chapter is more of an introduction, right? Setting the table.
'Kay, but what I've realized is that you've given me the opportunity to take this job and run with it.
So, if you really think you can make something out of franchising this motel, I think I want to be part of it.
You think? I wanna be part of it.
I want back in.
Oh! (Sucks in his breath, laughs, pleased and relieved) (Sighs) Yeah.
Well, I should probably tell you that you don't necessarily have to trust all my instincts all the time.
Since you've been gone, I did have to bring on a third business partner, and I may as well tell you that it's - Roland.
- I know.
He gave me his new business card.
Never saw so many typos on a business card.
Do you mind if we don't talk about Roland right now, 'cause I'm feeling really good about this decision.
Ah! Yeah, me too, partner.
Me too.
Listen, while you're here, I'm wondering if I can get a couple more refreshers on what happens after the file gets opened? Uh you may as well.
(Birds chirp) Morning, sunshine.
It's 5 pm.
But good morning.
I really don't remember how I got into this bed.
I do.
You were talking.
- A lot.
- Uh-oh.
- What was I saying? - Well, the conversation really ran the gamut.
You complimented my flawless skin and called me the Jewish Channing Tatum, which all tracks.
But then you told me you wanted us to have a baby.
(Laughs) What else did I say? I put you to sleep after that.
Are you, are you joking? No.
No, no.
You held me close and told me to envision our lives with a child.
- I see.
- Mm-hm.
That, uh, that must've been scary for you.
It was a little triggering.
David, I know that you don't want kids, and that's fine with me, okay? I was very high on anesthetic.
Okay, it's just that earlier today, when we were in Stevie's car because your car's always in the shop, you had mentioned that you'd always pictured yourself having a kid.
You've never pictured yourself doing something - that didn't end up happening? - Of course.
I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I? - David, I am happy - But it's with the life I've got.
I'm happy with you.
Things change.
You're a hundred percent sure you're not just saying you don't wanna have a kid, but, in actuality, you secretly do and are repressing that need just for me? I don't wanna undermine the significance of this conversation, but I do wanna make it known that I was watching "Bridget Jones's Baby" right before I went under.
Okay, well that makes a little more sense then.
- Mm.
- You would be a great dad, though.
(Laughs) Okay.
You have a big old heart in there, David.
- Yeah.
Yeah, - There it is.
- It's beating away.
- Mm-hmm? Um Can you grab me those painkillers, please? I think I'm gonna need a few of them if we're still planning on making it to your mom's thing tonight.
Okay, that's actually a very good idea.
I might take one myself.
Apparently the first 15 minutes are very, very dense.
(Crowd chatters excitedly, starts clapping) - Moira! Over here! - Crowd: (Cheering) Moira! Moira! (Cheering) Well, break a leg, sweetheart.
I'll be right here 10 feet behind you.
No, John, tonight is special, and I'd like my hand-candy by my side.
- Man: Moira! - Oh.
Woman: Moira! Okay, people, we actually need to walk the carpet, okay? Move it along.
Ronnie? Look, we had a deal.
Also, not everyone can be on the carpet at once.
Thank you.
When exactly are we gonna get this show on the road? As soon as you're off the carpet.
Okay, because Carmine is saying that the crows are getting restless.
Mm! Where did all these people come from? Why are your pupils so dilated.
- No, yours are.
- No, yours are.
(Gasps) Why are you dressed like a limo driver? Your mother insisted.
Why are you both glassy eyed? What? - Wow! - (Crowd claps) So the crows are ready.
You just say a few words, and then give Carmine the signal.
(Laughs) Alexis, Mommy's home now.
I'll take it from here.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to a North American screening of the psychological thriller Move it along.
- "The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!" (Crowd claps, laughs and cheers) Let the crowening commence! - (Crowd murmurs excitedly) - (Quiet gasp) Oh! (Crows caw, crowd oohs and ahhs) (Gasps, pleased) Alexis! (Crows caw, wings beat loudly) (Crowd shrieks in terror) - Oh ho! - No! Moira: Please, everyone stay calm! - (Laughing) - Whatever you do, do not look them in the eye! Okay, you're making them angrier! I'm not, Alexis! I know a bit of their language.
(Screams) (Shrieks) CAW! CAW-CAW! (David giggles, crows caw, crowd screams) This is fucked.
The worst part is people are being robbed of the experience of seeing the film on the big screen.
No, that's not the worst part, Moira.
It's fine.
There were no serious injuries, and, because people are watching from home, there'll be more views that way.
Okay, have you seen this yet? Some random news station just posted video of the premiere.
It's been shared 32,000 times.
Well, all press is good press, right? You might wanna watch it first.
Reporter: Tonight, a murder of wild crows attacked would-be audience members who had come to see a movie about a crow attack.
We must warn you, the following content is pretty graphic.
(Crowd screams in terror) - Oh! - Okay, they weren't "wild" crows.
They were supposed to be trained.
Trained! Some of them were painted seagulls.
This is not good, Alexis! It sorta looks like people are running away from your movie, Moira.
You! Look what you have done! Look what I've done? This was your idea, and now I have to pay Ronnie for damage to her carpet! What were the crows even doing there in the first place? It's called an immersive experience, David! Immersed in lawsuits maybe.
(Laughs) - (People scream in the video) - Alexis, make it stop!
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