Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e07 Episode Script

Moira Rosé

1 (Drumroll) Announcer: Two balls and two strikes on Hernandez.
(Bat cracks) And there's a well-placed bunt! Why did he hit the ball like that? So that is called a bunt.
It's uh, it's tactical.
It allows the guy on first to get over to second.
Who came up with the word "bunt"? Sounds like something you'd need to see a surgeon for.
David, this is an important game.
You told me you could get into this.
I was referring to the pizza.
But, also, the game.
(Gasps) What do we have here? I seem to have stumbled into some sort of gentlemen's cavern.
Hey, thanks for letting me stay here tonight, Mrs.
Rose, When David told me he wanted to install a Japanese toilet at my place, he neglected to mention that it would involve - taking out a wall.
- It was in the email.
Also, you will be thanking me when you experience the heated, motion-sensor toilet seat.
So, David, I take it you'll be employed as cheerleader for whatever televised sporting event is unfolding for the remainder of the day? Alas, this is Patrick's day.
We're doing what Patrick wants.
- Yes! - Wow, - someone's enjoying their day! - (Chuckles) Sorry.
Just cleared the bases.
It turns out Herb Ertlinger, the great fruit vintner, is rabid fan of the Crows movie - good luck finding someone who isn't - and he would like to name a wine after me.
- Oh my - They should call it a a Moira Rosé.
(Chuckles) Yes, that's what he has in mind.
Amazing! Congrats, Mrs.
Rose! (Faux excitement) Mm.
What news! Yes, but he wants me to sample the fruits of his labor this very day! Well, this seems like a very important moment in your life.
I only wish I could be there.
I can't go alone.
(Sighs) Well, unfortunately, I told my fiancé I'd watch the game with him - Just go, David.
- Okay.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
You guys might wanna rehearse a little more next time.
The extraction did feel a bit strained.
- (Quietly) That was you.
- Wha? - Love you.
- (Door closes) - (Sigh of relief, turns up TV) - Announcer: And a sigh of relief for the beleaguered bullpen (Low hum of chatter, meditating music) (Gasps) There are my fierce women, ready to elevate their lives! I'm so glad you decided to come today.
Well, you pushed pretty hard for it, Alexis.
- You said you'd buy me lunch.
- Mhmm.
As Elevation's official regional brand ambassador and regional marketing invigorator, I need to ask you guys: are you ready for a total physical and emotional transformation? - Nah, but I'll do your class.
- Mm.
I didn't know they'd make us change out of our own workout clothes.
Yeah, I kinda wish I knew that before I spent all that money on my LuLu Limes.
- Okay.
- I found a stain on my pants.
Are we sure that they clean these? - 'Kay, Stevie (Squeals) - Alexis! It's wonderful to see all these new recruits you've brought for us today.
Leadership is thrilled with all of your hard work.
Oh my God, I'm blushing.
(Giggles) Um, ladies, meet Citrus.
Citrus runs our East Coast wing, so we are very lucky to have him here today.
You know, I should also tell you that he's been very impressed with all of the work you've done for us these past few weeks.
I'm sorry, who's "he?" Oh, good point.
Who's "he"? Well, if you keep this up, you'll find out soon enough.
Twyla, Stevie, Jocelyn, and Ronnie, have a great class.
How does he know all of our names? Am I crazy or is he really cute? Okay, ladies, are we ready to elevate? - Nah.
- What if I just wait in the car until you're ready for lunch? 'Cause I'm just getting a really weird vibe from this place.
Stevie, we've talked about this.
You are a businesswoman now and part of that means that you need to be like physically and mentally sharp.
And also, I get paid for everyone that signs up, so mm, mm, mm.
(Dance music plays) All right, my Elevators, we are ascending, not depending.
All our troubles, all our worries, we're going to elevate above them.
Can I get an 'oh yeah' if you're up on my level! Class: Oh yeah! Stevie: (Weakly) Oh yeah (Cart rattles, door closes) Hey, Johnny.
Listen, I don't wanna creep you out or anything, but I was just peering into your son's bedroom Okay, not off to a good start, Roland.
Well, do you know that Patrick's sitting in there - all by himself? - Uh, yes, I'm aware.
He's spending the night with us.
Patrick is practically family now.
Have you told him that? Well, no, I haven't told him.
I mean, I haven't exactly said it out loud.
Yeah I don't know, Johnny.
Not having the big father/ son-in-law chat feels like a missed opportunity to lay down some laws.
Maybe Patrick should get "the talk" from old Uncle Roland.
'Kay, nobody's having a talk with Uncle Roland.
Look, everything is fine.
If I feel like having a talk, I'll have a talk.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a few things to attend to.
I remember when Jocelyn's dad gave me the talk.
I mean, he was trying to talk me out of getting married, but she was 9 months pregnant at the time, so he really didn't have a leg to stand on.
But I'll tell you, I could not get out of that sauna fast enough.
No way! The kid's just in there by himself, Johnny.
Something to think about.
(Bird chirp) (Classical music plays) Okay, so how did this happen? I'm shocked he'd give you a second chance after that train wreck of a commercial.
Mark my words, David, Herb - Ertlinger.
- Mm-hmm.
Won't be the last we see to clamber out of the woodwork now that I have a hit film on my hands.
Spines tend to liquidate in the presence of success.
Speaking of.
Herb! (Quietly) ERT-linger.
- Herb Ertlinger.
- Nailed it first try.
Both: (Laughing) Hey, bygones be bygones about the TV spot.
At least the print ad worked out.
Pretty hard to mess up one of those! Clearly you haven't seen the heartburn ads - she shot with Anne Geddes.
- (Laughs) Herb, I would like to introduce you to a potential vendor.
This is my son, David Rose.
I'm sure you've heard of Rose Apothecary? I have not, no.
But I'd be happy to discuss a buy with whatever store this is, - if it means something to you.
- (Chuckles) Okay.
I think we might need to sample the product first.
Ah! My wife and I got a real kick out of that Crows movie.
So we would love to make our Moira Rosé an exclusive and limited release.
This is what we're thinking for the label.
(Gasps) Well, hello! Who is she and how do we get a mouthful of her?! Now, it's important that you believe in the product you're selling, so we have a few options: there's the strawberry-peach, the ground fruits blend, and a lovely banana rosé.
Huh? - Mmm.
Rich in potassium.
- Mm-hmm.
So, uh, sample at your leisure.
I'll come back with some coffee grounds and a cheese board.
Again, we are so thrilled to have you here, Moira.
Thank you so much.
- Poor thing.
- (Sigh of agreement) Okay.
Here is to being able to share the perks of the industry with you.
- Salut.
- (Glasses clink) Cheers.
(Slurp) Oh, I had my reservations about banana.
Um, that's strawberry-peach.
Oh dear, it tastes like Amoxicillin.
(Gulps) This one's burning my throat.
These are terrible! Well, we have to pick one, David.
Do we? You really want people associating your name with this laundry detergent? I would never sell this at my store.
Okay, enough.
Now I'm getting notes of tomato.
- Ugh.
- (Sucks teeth) Announcer: Bottom of the 8th, Tigers down by one.
Great pitching duel today Oh, hey, Mr.
Patrick! Uh, yeah, I was gonna say hello, I, uh, didn't wanna interrupt.
No, no, not at all.
I'm just watching the game.
Hey, do you want some pizza? Uh yeah, I could go for some 'za.
(Chuckles) Ordered it a while ago, so it might be a bit cold by now, but Oh, that's okay, cold pizza can be good.
- Mm.
- Hot pizza's good.
Too-hot pizza - not so good.
- I got that happening.
- (Laughs) Yeah.
Oh, is this thin crust? I think it's just regular.
Oh yeah, well, I love a regular crust.
Announcer: Jackson on the mound.
Yeah, cheese, tomato sauce, bread.
- Can't beat that combination.
- (Chuckles) Announcer: Here's the wind-up - and the pitch! You know, speaking of great combinations, you and David - Oh! - Oh, uh did we get another hit? That's the other team, unfortunately.
Oh boy.
Almost got a glove on it, huh? That would've been good.
You know, I was gonna say, you and David Oh, he and Mrs.
Rose went to some wine tasting thing.
Oh, he went with Mrs.
Rose, yeah, the woman I'm married to? You know, I was just flashing on you and David (Watching game) Oh, come on! This is not happening.
What is happening?! Oh, you know, we, we can talk about this later.
It's not, it doesn't really matter.
Fellas! - (Frustrated sigh) - Ugh! Yes, Stevie! You're crushing it.
You're breaking through and I can see it! - Ronnie - (Groans) You too! - Twyla, where are we going? - Up! And what're we leaving behind? Class: Everything and everyone! Yes! Push past those demons! Leave it behind you as we ascend to the gateway.
- Jocelyn, do you see it? - I think so! And class! (Exhales) Great job, everyone! Women: (Breathing hard) And remember, I wanna see all of you signing up for that gateway! Good work.
Oh yeah, I feel amazing.
Does anyone wanna sign up with me? I'm happy to share a tent! If babies are allowed, I am in.
Consider me a convert.
I'm gonna go grab a couple of those Elevation Hydration bottles.
So, Stevie, what did you think? Okay, yeah, I didn't hate it, but I mean, does anybody even know what "the gateway" is? Um, well, I think it's pretty obvious (Questioning gasp) Although, if it'd make you feel better, I can totally like clarify some of the language with Citrus.
(Catching their breath) Yeah.
Um, hey! Citrus? Yeah? Well, first of all, so great to finally experience what we're marketing.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Alexis.
(Chuckles) Although, from a marketing perspective, I think it'd be really helpful to just like clarify some of the language that we're using.
Like what? Well, first of all, I noticed that you referred to, um, like "demons" a lot.
- Well, we all have demons! - Yes, and I get that.
- Carbs.
Am I right? - Both: (Laugh) Right.
But I'm also talking about actual demons.
Yes Okay.
I guess I'm just asking for the people signing up right now, um, is the gateway like a symbol for something or is it like an actual gateway? Oh! It's, it's a symbol.
- Okay, good.
- Both: (Laugh) But it's also a literal gateway into the sky.
I hope that cleared everything up.
- Totally.
- (Laughs) Great.
Jocelyn: I'm just signing up.
I can't Oh it's gonna be good.
Hey, Jocelyn? Can I see that sign-up sheet for a sec? Oh, I haven't finished filling out my social Oh, that's okay.
I'm just gonna go and destroy this right now, because I get the creeping suspicion that this place is like, not okay.
Like I feel like this is more than just a fitness class.
- What do you think it is? - Um, I think it's a cult.
And like not the good kind.
Not like when you go to India to follow a long-haired, sexy man around for a couple months and then come home with a bangin' yoga body.
Yeah, if only someone had pointed out how weird this was from the beginning.
Alexis, can I still go on the trip? I'm not saying that I need it.
It's just last weekend I snuck Roland Jr.
Into the ball room at Ikea, just so I could eat a meatball by myself.
No one is going on the trip.
And I am so sorry for making you guys sign up for this.
Well, I'm keeping the Hydration bottles.
I can just dump out the crystal water.
Just a heads up, you guys, they're almost sold out of the "nocturnal affirmation" cassette tapes, so - Twy - Now I just need to buy one of their cassette players.
Because you have to make sure they're playing at the right speed when you're sleeping.
Twy, this is a cult.
I brought you to a cult.
Oh my gosh, did you not know that? My mom tried to take me to the gateway for spring break one year.
I just thought I was supporting your career.
Ugh, how did I fall for this? Cults prey on sad, weak, vulnerable people.
I'll try not to take that personally.
I've just been so desperate to like throw myself into work, and I clearly missed all the signs and now I've like endangered all of us.
Well, there's an exit sign right there.
Yup, but the arrow's pointing straight up.
There was an emergency exit in the change room.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
(Squeals) Yeah.
(Classical music plays) (Slurps) Ugh! Okay, you know what? I'm making a blend.
Make us a nice Moira-lot or a Moira Rose-ling.
Hey, not to be too effusive, but I'd call that one potable.
I have had worst things in my mouth.
(Chuckles) I'm so happy that I wrestled you away today for this oenological escapade.
I finally have you all to myself, David.
When's the last time you and I had a whole day together with nary a care in the world? I mean, I am in the middle of planning a wedding, while also building a successful retail empire.
Yes, you are.
Then grant me this precious moment before there's a ring on your finger - to say chin chin to you and your husband-to-be.
This feels remarkably selfless.
You and Patrick are two good grapes.
Hmm Different notes, different tannins, but together, you've managed to make one perfect blend.
- Thank you.
- That being said - Oh my God.
- If I may impart a slice of marital sagacity: you and I, we're two potent grapes.
You know, there's a lot of your father in Patrick.
Don't need that.
But just because their notes are subtle doesn't mean they require any less attention.
Says the woman who literally convinced me to leave my partner alone at home, watching a baseball game.
You know I'm right.
Your father and I have produced beautiful wine together for over forty years.
And I have absolutely no doubt that your relationship with Patrick is going to get even better with age.
(Door opens) Okay, I hope we've landed on something, because all I have left is this cherry ice wine (Sniffs) and I think it might be corked.
My David has put together - a delicious blend right here.
- Mmhmm-hmm! Ugh.
That's not the one we picked.
- Huh? - That's not the one we picked.
What? Well, let's retrace our steps.
- No.
- How many combinations can there be? (Slurps) No.
Announcer: We'll be back to the ball game right after Yeah, I guess I don't need to turn the volume down - for these commercial breaks.
- Oh, whatever works for you.
- (Chuckles) - (Turns volume off) It's just I thought you had something that you wanted to talk about? Oh, no, just wondering what the inflation was on concessions these days, 'cause it's been years since I've been to a ball game.
(Chuckles) Well, it's highway robbery.
Yeah, you got that right.
(Chuckles) It just sorta seemed like you wanted to talk about David for a second.
Felt like that's where you were goin'.
No, I sure.
Yeah, I can talk about David.
Yeah, my son (Clears throat) Who, uh, you will be walking down the aisle with very soon.
Well, technically, you won't be walking with him down the aisle, but but um Mr.
Rose, I don't wanna cut you off, but um (Clears throat) I'm glad we have a minute to talk.
Because I, I hope it goes without saying that, as lucky as I feel to have met David, I also feel incredibly lucky to be joining your family.
I love your son and I will always do everything I can to respect him and to protect him from all of the things in life that can set him off.
And there are many, many things that can set him off (Laughs) Oh, I'm aware, yeah.
Um oh boy, that pretty much covers it.
Uh, I was only gonna say that I I hope you treat him with respect, which you just said you would, and, of course I already knew it.
I'm glad we had this talk, Mr.
Me too.
Me too.
- All right.
- (Blows out breath) - Both: (Clear throats) - (Turns volume up) Announcer: Iverson at the plate, and here comes the pitch! (Loud crack of a bat) - Announcer: Iverson with a - Oh Oh! It's going GOING! GONE! - Oh! (Laughing excitedly) - (Laughing excitedly) - Whoa-ho! - Hey! - Both: (Awkward laughter) - Wow! (Operatic music plays) So, it was this one? Um, let me just triple check.
(Slurps) (Gags) No.
(Laughs) No, it's not.
(Slurring) Did it oxidize? Is that why we can't recognize the tastes? Okay, if neither of you can remember which one it was, maybe we just, we just call this off.
The wife and I had reservations at the Elmdale Inn an hour ago.
It was strawberry-radish.
We don't do anything with radishes.
Ooh, maybe you should.
That sounds refreshing.
- We're not making a new wine! - (Shocked gasp) There's no need to raise your voices, Herbert.
Okay, speaking of Herbert, is it Herbert or Erbert? Like when people say Herb or Erb? (Doors closing) I took the liberty of calling your husband, Moira, because somebody has to drive you two home and it's certainly not going to be me.
Both: (Gasp excitedly) Our designated grapes! Well, I see the sampling went well.
- (Noisy, drunken kiss) - Both: Okay.
We couldn't find a wine.
Well, it sorta smells like you found all the wine.
- What? - Yeah Mr.
Ertlinger, I hope this doesn't stand in the way of our doing business.
Your wife ensured that that won't be happening.
Between the two of them they could not find a single wine they were willing to put Moira's name on.
- I said radish! - We (swallows anger) Could you please escort your family out of here? I am very late for a dinner! I am offering a major apology if that'll help.
(Awkward silence) Okay.
I take it keys are in your purse, Moira? - (Incoherent) Es in a Nokia - I'm gonna uh - I'm gonna start the car.
- Okay, great! - Yeah.
- What?! (Crickets chirp) (Exhales) How was your class, Alexis? Um, it was a big success.
Thank you for asking.
Everyone had a great time and the clients were like super impressed.
Oh, that's good.
I wonder if that means they'll give you priority boarding - when you enter the gateway? - Oh my God, Stevie did this, didn't she? Now, do the step machines actually lift off the ground, or are the step machines just there to help you practice for when you walk onto the spaceship? Come on, David, she didn't know.
- Thank you! - But now that you do, does it just make the journey to the gateway - that much more meaningful? - Okay, you know what? Honestly, this whole situation is starting to gross me out.
It's like I'm sharing a room with my twin brothers who kiss.
- Mm! - Mm - (Knock at the door) - Well, look at this! We have a full house here.
- Just came in to say goodnight.
- That's not necessary.
- John! Open, please! - Yeah.
Hey! I like sleepovers! Anyone think I might like a sleepover? Alexis: Ew Ew! Johnny: You know, spending a little extra time together is not such a bad idea since we're losing Alexis soon to the gateway.
- OH MY GOD-DUH! - A simple mistake, honey.
So does this happen every night? - Um, no.
No, it doesn't.
- Oh Alexis: Uh, okay.
- Mm! Stop! - (Snorted laugh)
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