Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e08 Episode Script

The Presidential Suite

1 (Birds Chirp) Well, this is a big moment in the expansion of Rosebud Motel Group.
Today we cut the ribbon on a new Rosebud Motel.
Can I take my blindfold off now? Oh, not yet, honey, we gotta wait for Johnny's big reveal.
- Okay.
- Let's get to it, let's cut the ribbon.
Wanna hold that? Stevie, you wanna hold this, hold it up? Mr.
Rose, do we really need to do this.
Yeah, yes, yes we do.
Moira, scissors.
Hey, how about a drum roll, Stevie? - I'd rather not.
- Yeah, you know what, I'm just gonna take off the blindfold.
Moira, scissors please.
Okay, what are these? These won't cut a ribbon.
They're cuticle shears, John.
Do you expect hedge clippers to be drawn from my purse? Okay, alright, hold it up and hold it taut please.
I'm sorry, taut? (Laughs) What is that, old English? How bout I hold it tight? Mr.
Rose, just cut the ribbon.
- Pull it, pull it.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- Cut it.
How long is this gonna take, Johnny, should I cancel my New Year's plans? Okay, you know what, just drop the ribbon, drop it.
- Alright.
- Yay.
Okay, step one now complete, onto step two.
- And what would that entail? - Deep cleaning the rooms.
Well, I'd like to be put to use, what's step three? You know, I think I need to lie down, that blindfold was quite taut.
That's me in front of a volcano.
In the jungle, in outer space, that's another volcano.
As maid of honor, I pick the second volcano.
Okay, you are hanging onto that job by a thread.
Ray, do you have anything that'll make us look a little less like the kind of couple that gets married at a theme park? Oh, I think what David is trying to say - is maybe something a little simpler.
- Yeah I'm looking for understated, Annie Leibowitz for Vanity Fair.
I want us to look like two very rich people that have just woken up after fainting - on a dusty old couch.
- Mmm.
I don't know if you've thought about wedding favors, but might I suggest mouse pads, I got thousands downstairs.
- Let me get you some samples.
- Wonderful.
Okay, as maid of honor, I have to say You don't have to say anything.
Anyway, I thought it would be festive if I got you a little pre-wedding gift.
- What? - Mhmm.
I am sending you to get pampered - before this afternoon's shoot.
- Do I get pampered? No, you get to drive him to the spa where he will indulge in a relaxing five minute scalp massage followed by some light sun.
That'll also give me enough time to art direct this situation 'cause clearly Ray wouldn't know my aesthetic if it ran him over.
I'm sorry, did you say sun? Yeah, like a, a kiss on the cheeks, uh, um a gentle spray.
Okay, well, thanks for the gift, David, but no thank you.
I'll take it.
Actually sounds less like a gift and more like a chore.
Okay, I am doing you a favour.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Stevie, take our photo please for a moment, fast please.
(Camera clicks) - Ooh, uh.
- Okay.
Yeah, see, side by side my Mediterranean complexion makes you look a little anemic so the spray will just even it out.
Okay, it's not that bad.
Okay, well, the lighting is not good so.
I mean - Hmm.
- Just as an example, here is a sample mouse pad that Jocelyn made for the computer lab at school.
The Under the Sea theme is only available during winter months.
(Car honks outside) (Persistent knock on door) (Door opens) My God, Ted, what are you doing here? I wanted to surprise you.
- Oh my God, okay, babe, hi.
- Hi, hi.
- Hmm.
- Hm.
Hi, uh sorry there were limited options at the airport gift shop.
(Reads) "Have a great flight", so sweet.
You're here in the flesh.
Hm, I missed you so much.
Um, who's babysitting the turtles? Well, I am a part of a team of 30 so they let me take the long weekend off.
The long weekend? It's Sunday, it's over.
Yeah, I know, I was supposed to get here yesterday morning but my first connecting flight was delayed and then I got food poisoning from some bad milk on my second connecting flight.
Ew Ted, they made you drink milk on the airplane? No I actually ordered it, and in my defense, they were serving cookies, so.
Okay, so um, how long do we actually have then? Just today.
Oh my God.
Then enough about the milk thing even though I have like 50 more questions about it.
Yeah, yeah, no need to milk it.
Ooh, we definitely don't have time for that.
No I just, I just wanna be with you and catch up and talk.
Okay, so my parents are out and David's at the store so maybe we can just like be with each other right now, and then later if we feel like it we can talk.
- Yeah, but I - You're not still sick, - are you? - No I just.
- Okay.
- (Kissing sounds) Yeah.
Okay, we can do this first.
(Kissing sounds) Boy, I look at this place, untouched from the 60s.
These motels were a gold mine, Roland, all they need is a little dusting.
And bleach, lots of bleach.
You know, there are boutique hotels that would kill for this level of authenticity.
I'm thinking of turning this place into the Presidential Suite and charging a premium for it.
I'm reminded John of Shanghai and our Party Secretary Suite with its own aquarium, I'd lay in a claw foot tub watching the orcas.
- Joc.
- And we're back.
You know that staycation we've been talking about? Why don't we just do that here? Well, Roland, that-that sounds good, but uh, that just can't happen.
As a new business owner it's dangerous to treat your assets as personal possessions.
That's my John.
At Rose Video, he made me purchase the Blu-ray of my gritty feminist police drama, "Miranda Rights".
I rented that three times.
Miranda is so sassy when she went undercover for that wet T-shirt contest.
Hey, the sooner we get this place guest ready, the sooner we can start making a profit.
Well, that sounds good to me.
Bob's been charging us a fortune to babysit.
Speaking of which, we should get going.
Bob has his first cry therapy session tonight.
Well, if that isn't team work, I don't know what is.
Ah, I know, the room looks pretty good, huh? No I'm, I'm talking about the way you and I, threw them off the fragrance so that we could keep this suite to ourselves.
No that's not what I was doing, Moira.
No, it's very important at this stage to keep the bar set very high for Roland.
- John.
- Now I just told them they couldn't stay here.
Oh, be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground.
(Stomps) (Duster thuds) (Dog barks in the distance) Are you sure this is what you want, David? This looks like someone put a tarp over their living room furniture.
Yeah, I'm going for an English estate in the off-season.
Okay, it's just uh, do you really want these photos to say my relationship is an old estate in the off-season? Why don't I show you the county fair backdrop, I think a Ferris wheel would look so cute on a mouse pad.
I don't think we're gonna do the mouse pads.
- (Door shuts) - (Groans) - Oh hi.
- Hi.
- Why do you look ? - Hot? Oh, I got a spray tan.
Patrick gave you his appointment, didn't he? No, I just put mine on your credit card.
Okay, well that's fraud and you're a criminal so where even is my life partner? He's coming.
I think he spent maybe a second too long in there.
(Door opens and shuts) - (Davis gasps) - (Bursts into laughter) Are you happy now, David? Is this what you wanted? - You look - I look like a cheese puff.
Okay, you said it, not me.
Um what, uh, what ha, what happened? Did they use the Allez Vous bronzer on you? I don't know, David, they asked me what I wanted, I told them just to give me what you usually get.
Well, why would you do that? I'm practically Sicilian, you don't need that much sun.
I don't know how it works, David.
Well, couldn't find it.
Oh, hi Patrick, I almost didn't recognize you, you look like one of those people who has that skin condition from eating one too many carrots.
- Okay.
- You know what? I can't be in photos like this so I'm going to uh, - I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no, no, we've got this all set up, - you'll barely notice it.
- Oh.
And that's what Photoshop's for, just to lighten it up a bit.
Yes, just have fun with it.
- Yes, have fun.
- Okay, Patrick, I'm gonna have to ask you to smile a little more.
I think this is probably as good as it's gonna get - right now, Ray.
- Okay, okay, okay.
(Camera clicks repeatedly) Okay, here's what I'm thinking, we do that like three to four more times, and then we go on a romantic walk to your house and we like hang out there for a little bit.
Yeah um, that plan sounds really active, Alexis.
But uh my mom's staying at my place and uh, I'd rather not walk in on her and her zumba instructor, don't wanna have to zoom back here.
Is everything okay? It's okay to admit that I tuckered you out.
No it's, it's not that.
Okay, then what is it? I just thought that it was important that we have this conversation in person.
You're starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rock on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.
Ted, you're not like trying to break up with me, are you? No I'm not breaking up with you.
Oh okay, thank God.
So what is it? I got offered a job.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
- Is it a bad job? - No it's a great job, they wanna make me a permanent part of the research team in the Galapagos.
Okay, define permanent.
It's a three year contract.
Okay, that's a long time.
Yeah, I just, I keep waiting for things to get easier for us.
So um, what are you gonna tell them? I, I don't know, I mean I had three plane rides to think about it and, and I wanted to have a solution by the time I got here, but seeing you, I don't wanna lose this.
Okay, so what do we, what do we do? Do I like move to the Galapagos? Or I move back here.
And turn down your dream job.
Okay, this just got like very heavy.
I feel like I'm sweating, I also feel like very cold.
I, I took the weekend because I want us to have a few days to talk about it, but then Yeah, no, the milk, I know.
Um, Ted, I think I'm gonna need a minute.
You know that I can't make big decisions under pressure, that's how I ended up with a pixie cut at prom.
There has to be a way through this.
I liked this a whole lot more before we started talking.
(Moira cries out) Moira, what's going on in there? Oh! It's my hands, John, it's the water, it's freezing cold.
Well, then move your hands.
How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it? Well Moira, you've got the cold tap on, you've gotta balance it with the hot.
- (Shuts the water off) - Oh.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John, and it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.
Okay, Moira.
Excuse me while I try to pass through.
Oh John, these door frames, it's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle.
(John grunts) I think uh, the point's been made, Moira.
Oh, so you're willing to reconsider a room upgrade? - Upgrade? - Mhmm.
Oh, I thought you were talking about a romantic weekend.
We start with a weekend and go from there.
You don't believe we deserve this perquisite, John, at least until we secure a way out of here.
Moira, yeah, the room is bigger, it might even be nicer, but haven't we managed to make due here in this room over the past few years? Yes, in the same way road crustations are known to make due in old soda cans.
And what about the kids? We're just going to abandon them here? They're practically middle-aged and they're not denying theirselves betterment, - why should we? - (Exhales) Alright, maybe it is good business practice to sample the product before selling.
Well, whatever you think is best, Mr.
I've packed your weekender, it's in the car.
See, these are good, we could use any of these.
David, those are just ones where you look good.
- (Door opens) - Well only took me nine showers to still look like this.
See, this is good, this is how you were supposed to look.
Oh, well then if that's all it took should we just head back to Ray's? I don't know, do you think he'd have time? No, I was being very, very sarcastic.
- Oh.
- Are there any usable shots? Both: Umm.
None of the ones where you can see your face or hands, - There's a few I think that - but we're still looking.
- Might be good.
- Cool, so I guess my relatives will just have to imagine what the person I'm marrying looks like and how happy I am to be with him, and Okay fine, ooh, maybe we just open up the guest list a bit and invite a few more of your distant relatives, or I do have head shots from my pageant days that I could mail out to them.
David, can we just agree to stop making this wedding a bigger deal than it needs to be.
We are not these people.
Well, this is a teachable moment for all of us.
You know, look at his tan, looks great, the lighting's right, maybe Stevie should take a few candid shots - and see what happens.
- You're insane.
- David no.
- No I'm not.
We are looking for photos and here we are.
Oh my God.
(Camera clicks) Okay, well the tan does look good.
- Ooh see.
- Okay fine, like maybe a couple more but then that's it.
Okay fine, alright.
(Camera clicks) - What is your hand? - Oh that's weird.
- Huh? - (Camera clicks) - (Car honks) - (Dog barks) (Bell over door jingles) (Music plays) Hey Alexis, I haven't seen you running in a while.
Thanks, Twy.
Yeah, I just needed to get out and clear my head.
Is everything okay? I don't know.
Okay, do you think a smoothie might help? (Sighs) No, I think I'll just take a smoothie.
Okay, I'll just be right over there if you need me.
Oh hi, Ted.
Um Alexis.
I know, without sounding too forward, - I've seen you around - (nervous laugh) and uh, you know, I have to say, I think that you are the most beautiful girl this town's ever seen.
Alexis, Alexis, here's your smoothie.
(Sharp exhale) Twy, do you ever have those days where you wonder why things just can't be easier? Why, what's going on? Ted got a job.
- Another one? - No, the same one.
He got offered the same job he already has? No, same job, they just want him to stay longer, like forever.
Yeah, so it's like what now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? 'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England, it was like too rainy.
That is hard.
I feel like now's the point where you normally have some surprisingly helpful advice.
I know you, Alexis, and you always make the right decision.
- Hm.
- Eventually.
Thanks, Twy.
(Crickets chirp) (Slow Jazz tune plays) There he is, my ginchi hotelier.
How does it feel to be President in the Presidential Suite? (Bostonian accent) Well, uh, let me say this about that, Moira, Uh, if not now, when, if not us, who.
- Are you alright, John? - Oh, it's my JFK, just playing into the theme.
Best to leave the voice work to me when setting a mood.
(Glasses clink) (Slurping) Yeah, so I must admit, Sweetheart, I could get used to this.
I'm going to run a bath, John.
Well, if I close my eyes I can almost hear the orcas calling to be fed - or freed.
- (Door opens) - Oh.
- Jocelyn, Roland.
- Johnny, Moira.
- (Door shuts) - What's going on here? - Uh, nothing, nothing.
No we were uh, - just uh, - (turns music off) doing a final polish on the uh, on the room.
- Uh-huh.
- (Light clicks on) Oh, I guess martinis work better than wax, huh? (Chuckles) Johnny, wasn't it you who said it was dangerous to treat your assets like personal possessions? And what may I ask are you two doing back here? I told you we would get caught, Roly.
Well if you must know, Jocelyn and I had been renting our extra bedroom to uh, help pay for this place.
Yeah, and so we thought there's nobody here, it might be nice to have a weekend where a total stranger wasn't making themselves at home in my kitchen.
Okay, look Roland, I may have been a bit too much of a stickler earlier.
Ah no, no it's fine, Johnny, we'll just uh, we'll just sleep in the truck with the baby.
Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place, it would be like wife swap except we wouldn't be swapping wives, - we'd be swapping mattresses.
- Okay, you can take the room.
- It's not gonna happen.
- Oh thank you, guys.
Great, thank you.
I've never stayed in a Presidential Suite.
(Bostonian accent) Enjoy it, Honey, this one uh reminds me a lot of the uh, suites in uh Cuba before Castro took over.
- That's not, that's not JFK.
- Yes, it's JFK, he's always Ask a not what your country can do for you.
- Who said that? - The man's from Boston.
- John! - He didn't say, no he's not, he's from Upstate New York.
- Coming Moira.
- And FDR said that.
(Jazz music plays) (Bell jingles over door) What is all this? Sit.
(Footsteps scuff) Did you close down the whole café? More like I politely but forcefully asked everyone to leave.
So the set menu for tonight is mozzarella sticks, four cheese lasagna, and a blueberry cheesecake for dessert.
Huh, that's a lot of dairy.
All of your cheat day favorites.
Also, I may have forgotten about the whole milk situation.
Well, I appreciate the gesture, Alexis.
So I feel like there's an elephant in the room and I skipped the class that taught us how to care for large mammals and I don't know how to get it to leave.
You can't move back here, Ted, you've just been offered the job of your dreams and there's no turning back now.
And just think of all those gross little flies that are still out there for you to discover.
Actually, those flies are an invaluable piece of the puzzle in the study of evolution, but yes we do have our fingers crossed that there are still a few more out there.
What about you, what are you gonna do? This might come as a shock to you, Ted, but I can't move to the Galapagos.
I wouldn't let you even if you tried.
You're building something special here, Alexis, and you deserve to see where it takes you.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
I'd like to think that we helped each other get here.
I know that we did.
And when you get on that plane tomorrow I want you to know how grateful I am to have met you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna meet another woman who made me feel the way that you do.
I'm sure there'll be like some other woman, somewhere.
(Sad exhale) Can't say that we didn't try.
I love you, Ted.
I love you too.
("Dedicated to the One I Love" by the Mamas and the Papas) While I'm far away from you, my baby I know it's hard for you, my baby Because it's hard for me, my baby Because the darkest hour To us.
Is just before dawn - To us.
- (Glasses clink)
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