Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e09 Episode Script


1 Okay, I'm just saying, she broke up with Ted less than a week ago, and I am finding this whole rebound thing to be alarmingly manic, and regressive.
Well, it does sound a little quick.
I mean, has anybody even met this guy? David, when did you become the Grim Reaper of romance? Oh.
Alexis! We were just having the most stimulating conversation about you ganda! Ugandan politics.
Were you guys waiting up for me? - Ah! - N-no! No, I actually didn't know that you had left.
I was on a date.
Artie took me to the new steakhouse in Elmdale, and it was like, way too expensive, but hey, I'm not the one paying.
"Artie?" Yeah, I just thought after like, the whole Ted thing, it was healthier for me to just put myself out there.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for bed.
I say, bravo, Alexis.
Fling forward! Ugh! Hi.
Sorry, wrong room.
Uh, I'm-I'm lookin' for Lexi.
Hmm? Lexi? Uh, Alexis.
I call her Lexi.
Well, this is where Lexi lives.
Um, I'm her brother, David, but you can call me Davey.
Hey, how you doin', Davey? Uh, Lexi left her purse in my car.
Oh! You're a godsend.
I'll make sure Lexi gets it.
I'm Johnny Rose, I'm Alexis' father.
Arthur Camden, but uh, - you can call me Artie.
- Uh-huh.
Hello, Artie.
Moira Rose.
Lexi's mum.
Very cool.
Uh anyway, I'm gonna shoot Lexi a text.
Yeah, okay.
- Take care.
- You betcha.
Our Lexi is making some wonderful choices.
Okay, so what's the total for the floral arrangement? Um, I mean, it's hard to get an exact total at the moment, because there are so many variables still in play.
Like you calling the florist, and getting a quote? - That might be one of them.
- Okay.
Um, Jocelyn has been smiling and waving at me from across the room in a very disturbing way.
I meant to tell you she approached me about uh, working at the Apothecary.
You did tell her "no?" That it probably wasn't the best fit for our brand identity? Uh, I told her that I had to talk to you about it.
Look, she's coming over.
Here she is.
Hi, boys.
It looked like you were calling me over.
Did it? Anywho, um I don't know if Patrick mentioned that we had talked earlier, and he had said that there might be a use for an extra set of hands at the store.
Huh! Well, I think we're still assessing that at this point.
Well, you let me know when you're done assessing.
I'll be the mother with the baby at home looking for some extra cash, after I invested in your father's business.
I'll be over here.
Okay, that's a lot to unload over brunch.
Yes! I spent my brunch looking at the classifieds.
There is an opening for a waitress at Bazongas Gentlemen's Club.
I guess I could try that.
I'm sure we can figure something out, Jocelyn.
Right, David?! I don't know what's wrong with Bazongas.
But I guess a trial run wouldn't hurt anybody.
There ya go! Thanks, you guys, oh! I'll meet you at the store.
I'm just gonna go home and change into something a little more casual.
"More casual?" Well, look at it this way, David.
Maybe having Jocelyn on staff will give a little extra time to call the florist.
Ohh! Boy, young people and their phones.
Would that be David you're having an online laugh with? No, it's Arthur.
He's so funny, and he has so many good stories.
Well, I'm sure he does.
When you have that many years under your belt, you're bound to have collected a good story or two.
We're going to the Elm Lake Jazz Festival this afternoon.
Artie loves to scat along with the songs.
- Ah.
- Do you know what scatting is? I do, not a huge fan.
But uh, since you brought up Arthur, Um, you know, I-I was just thinking of how some people say you shouldn't rush into a new relationship, right after a breakup.
Okay, trust me, it's just totally fun and casual.
Okay, well, casual.
Casual is good.
Casual is uh - exceptionally good.
- Yeah.
Artie's an old soul, and you know how I'm an old soul, so we're just like, two old souls having fun together.
Well, he is an old soul.
I'll give you that.
Uh, if you were guessing, Alexis, uh how old a soul would you say Arthur is? Artie doesn't care about things like age.
Although it is his birthday next weekend, and we were planning a weekend trip to wine country.
A weekend in wine country? Yeah, his ex-wife owns a vineyard, and his kids and grandkids are gonna be there.
Well, it's sounding uh, less and less casual by the minute.
Okay, chill, Dad! Hmm! Oh my God, is he calling me right now?! That is so 2001.
Hey, babe.
Yep, you just double-tap on photo with your finger.
Oh! This is so exciting! - Alright.
- Okay! Now, I like to approach the customer as if we don't need their business.
Okay, let them wander the store, experience the products.
We're here to help if they have a question.
- Okay.
- Excuse me? Do you have this in a smaller size? - We don't, unfortunately.
- Oh.
Although, speaking as someone who uses the body milk on the regs, just had a baby, don't wanna get stretch marks.
Trust me when I say you're gonna wanna go with the larger size, 'cause you'll go through it faster than you think.
Oh, actually, I'm shopping for my daughter.
She just had a baby as well.
Hm, well, take a look around, and let us know if you have any questions.
I say look no further, go with the body milk.
She'll love it, plus it's great for diaper rash.
Okay! Sold.
Thank you for your help.
I can check you out over here.
Wow, my first sale! You guys make it look so much harder.
Have a "Rose-y" day! We won't be doing "Rose-y day.
" - No? - No.
- No? - No.
- Ohhhhhh! - Aaah! Stevie! Either a flock of poultry has delivered its ova mid-flight upon our car, or I've become the victim of a vandalization! Oh wow.
Um you sure it's for you, Mrs.
Rose? Because that's a family car, and I can think of a handful of people who'd wanna egg David.
You're sweet, dear, but I know of what I speak.
Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity, and thus will never have to know the crippling fear that accompanies global repute.
Yeah, I can't imagine.
After my first centerfold with Soap Opera Digest, a deranged fan deposited locks of hair into my glove compartment.
And now my return to prominence has painted another giant bulls-eye on my thorax! Um, I could give you this bucket of soap.
No! You never tamper with a crime scene.
I'll have to go to council.
Get in please, Stevie.
As of now, you are my star witness.
And sit low, no point endangering both our lives.
We're here for brunch, right, and she looks at me and says, you mean, lunner? I asked her for a bunch menu, and she puts thing, says it's a lunner menu.
- No! - Lunner! Alexis, Arthur.
I thought you two were going to a jazz festival? Oh we were, we just like, popped in for a bite to eat, because Artie's blood sugar is low.
Well, I guess there's enough sugar in mimosas, huh? Oh, don't worry, I'm over 21, Dad.
Oh my God, I'm laughing my head off.
Well, I'm just gonna grab some lunch.
Um, nice running into you again, Arthur.
Please, Dad, just call me Artie.
Well, please don't call me "Dad.
" Could I get a coffee, Twyla, please? So I see Alexis is getting back out there.
Has she told you anything about this guy? No, but I think he dated my aunt.
I don't know, I was a baby at the time, but there's a photo of him holding me at Christmas.
And I remember that, because that was the year Santa brought me a lighter.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Stay right there.
Excuse me, Twyla.
Arthur, hi, do you mind if I uh, join you for a minute? No, of course.
Always room at the table for Lexi's old man.
That's a smidge worse than "Dad.
" Uh, what do you do for a living? Well, actually, I am retired.
Yeah, but I used to own um, a chain of trailer parks.
But don't-don't worry, I don't you know, live in a trailer.
I own a beautiful three-bedroom home with an above ground pool, if that's what you're worried about.
No, that wasn't my primary concern, Arthur.
- Oh.
- No, the thing is, as a parent, I can't help but notice there's a bit of an age discrepancy.
Oh! No, no, we're totally chill with that.
I mean, Lexi's a great girl.
Yes, she is.
Yes, she is.
But um, Arthur, my daughter is in a bit of a vulnerable space right now.
She just got out of a rather serious relationship, a week ago, and she was engaged to him twice.
I'm not entirely sure what she's doing, but uh, you might wanna tread lightly.
Oh understood.
Thanks for the heads up.
Uh, Johnny, I I know it isn't always easy being a dad.
And being a grandad's even harder.
Oh, well, maybe you might wanna give me some tips when I eventually get there.
Alright, now you tell me how we're gonna fix this.
Hello, council people! Why, you ask, are we here, trembling before you? Well, I'll answer your question.
I was assailed this morning.
- Is that a fact? - Stone cold.
Stevie was there.
Stevie, describe the carnage.
Um, well, there were a couple of broken eggs on Mrs.
Rose's car, and one on the back windshield.
- It was shattered! - The windshield? The egg! That's the bestial level of attack with which we are dealing.
Right, Stevie? I don't know, you tell me.
Well, you know, after this little interview in People Magazine, I'm surprised those eggs weren't actually thrown at you.
Has it hit the stands? My publicist is off today.
It sure has.
You describe the town as, and I quote, "the last place you'd ever wanna end up.
" Oh no, I described the town as the last place I'd ever want to end up.
Um, since I'm no longer the star witness in this criminal case, can I get back to work? No, you see here, I'm exaggerating for effect.
And I made sure to never mention the name of your precious borough.
I'm gonna take that as a "yes.
" It wasn't hard to figure out, Moira, somebody posted it on the town message board, and now tempers are running hot.
Yeah, Bob was so upset he had to go home.
You know, Moira, this bad press could not have come at a worse time.
We were just about to launch a huge tourism campaign, and now thanks to you, this could be the biggest scandal since we installed the church wheelchair ramp backwards.
Roland, something has to be done! It's a simple miscommunication.
Do you want Stevie to be cleaning eggs off my car every morning?! Moira, you're gonna have to clean up this mess yourself, Okay? We're spending a lot of money on this campaign, and we can't afford another "ramp-gate.
" Why'd you do it?! Why'd you do it?! Ooh, I think they're here for you, Moira! Hey uh, folks, I can't quite read those signs, do you mind holding them up a little higher for me, there? Oh yeah, thanks.
You know what's often more potent than an apology, is an explanation.
You know, I may have said this town is the last place I wish to find myself, but the magazine neglected to include my entire quote.
I specifically commended your ever-beating heart, and your elephantine generosity.
"A slice of heaven," is what I recall myself saying! Please know that I believe, deep down, there are worse places to be.
Like in your shoes right now.
Would a quick meet and greet help? I do have a few headshots in the boot of my car.
No, I don't think you need more people knowing which car is yours, Moira, but I do have an idea that I think will solve all our problems.
Okay, but can we discuss it over lunch? I pre-ordered a tuna sandwich, and those things can turn on a dime.
Oh, allow me to leave you with this.
I solemnly vow to make right by all of you.
As soon as one of you details my car.
Receipt in the bag? There you go, bye.
I don't wanna rub salt in the wound here, David, but Jocelyn is kinda crushing it.
Okay, I have also had a very active day on the sales floor.
David, she has sold more in one day than we have all week.
And you've spent the better part of the afternoon standing in the corner giving her cut-eye.
I'm mentoring her, and monitoring her progress.
And frankly, it's not moving as fast as I'd like.
Why can't you just admit that she is an asset? It's probably beginner's luck, like when you walk into a casino and win big on your first pull of the "Basic Instinct" slot machine.
Okay, I'm beginning to think that that is the high point - of your entire life.
- All I'm saying is, I don't necessarily trust the numbers.
I had an ex in San Francisco who was a real estate agent, and basically made all of our friends buy penthouses just to make it look like he was doing well.
For all we know, these could just be Jocelyn's friends.
Well, friends or not, that's still a sale.
Yeah, but is that what we're really about? Like, just selling products? Yep, that is literally the purpose of our store.
Look, I didn't expect this from Jocelyn either, but clearly, she has a connection to the people of this community, and I say we make the most of it.
Okay, so what, you want to offer her a job? Well, I think the offer would mean more coming from you.
Another sale, boys! Where'd she get that bell? She brought it from home.
Ugh! Hi honey, everything okay? Yeah, everything is great.
My life is going like, really, really great right now! Oh, well, that's uh, that's good.
Here's a fun thing, I just got dumped by a man who wears three medic-alert bracelets.
Really? He just said out of nowhere that he needs to end things.
Oh, well, that that does seem abrupt.
Wow, well maybe-maybe that's just further confirmation that you know, he he wasn't he wasn't the right person for you? I know he's not the right person for me.
His taste in makeout music, for example, like, so weird.
Like, who even is Cat Stevens?! Well, Cat wrote some wonderful songs, honey.
I'm just looking for like, any distraction from the fact that my heart's shattered into a million pieces.
Like, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
I'm getting broken up with by gross old men! Oh, honey, no, he-he-he wasn't that gross.
No, I mean, he-he seemed nice.
He was responsible.
He did run a successful mobile-home business.
How did you know about that? - What? - How did you know that? I-uh, where did I hear that? You talked to him! Well, I-I just for I did talk to him.
Brief conversation, but just in passing.
Why would you do that? I told you that I was in control of the situation.
Well, honey, I don't know whether you were.
I was just trying to help.
Alexis, in the past, I I couldn't always be there for you when you were when you were dealing with heartbreak.
I wasn't there to protect you.
And I guess I was just being a bit overzealous, and trying to make up for lost time.
Well, if you really wanna know, I dated guys like, a whole lot worse than Artie.
Where were you when I was dating half the cast of "White Squall?" Well, I don't really want to know.
What am I gonna do now? Okay.
Yeah, cry for a bit.
I wonder when David'll be home.
And, we're closed! Oh! It's not the stock market, Jocelyn, but yes, the day is done.
Is it always this busy? I mean, I feel like when I've been here before, - it's just been me.
- Hmm! Well, today was a great day for us.
And with that in mind, um David has something that he would like to say.
Two things, actually.
Um, first thing, thought we discussed shelving "have a Rose-y day.
" - Ah, people seem to enjoy it.
- Yeah.
And two Patrick and I would like to officially welcome you to the sales staff here at Rose Apothecary.
Oh my gosh! That is so sweet! You're welcome.
But I just don't think it's for me.
- Mmm! - It's not for you? Yeah, I mean, as David would say, I just don't think it's in my brand.
I don't think I've ever said that.
It's just not for me.
So this store is just not for you.
I'd rather take my chances, you know, see if some tutoring gigs come up.
- Tutoring? - Because that's a a better job than working here? Well, I find teaching students very fulfilling.
You know, not what you two do here isn't fulfilling, you know, for you, but it's just not fulfilling - For you.
Got it.
- For her.
Yeah, well hey, what whatever you wanna do.
Thank you for the opportunity.
And you guys can keep the bell.
Oh! The bell! 'Cause you might need it a little more than me.
I'll come by tomorrow to pick up my paycheck.
Okay! Yeah she does know this is a training session, right? What does that even mean, "not for her?" Well, um I think it means our store - It's just not for her? - It's just not for her.
- I got it.
Thank you.
- I think that's what it means.
Oh, hello, you.
I'm film and television's Moira Rose.
Won't you join me for a little stroll through the slice of paradise I like to call the town where I currently am.
Did someone say fine dining? The Café Tropical has certainly been described as "fine.
" Oh, hello, Twyla.
I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.
We don't have that.
You mean, you're sold out, is more like it! And when it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of the downtown core, you'll find all the peace and solitude your body craves here at our local apothecary.
No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations.
It's-it's not usually this quiet.
Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.
Can you stop saying that? And finally, when it's time to lay down your weary head, you'll find comfort and safety at the partially renovated Rosebud Motel.
And don't forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr.
Johnathon Rose.
- Thank you for having us.
- John, no.
So why wait? Book your vacation now to this humble little oasis.
If heaven had a creek, it would be this one.

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