Schooled (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Lainey's All That

1 LAINEY: The '90s was the heyday of teen rom coms, and the greatest of all was "She's All That," a classic tale of the popular guy who bets he can turn a girl from geek to chic.
And as a teacher, I had to check it out to stay up with the kids.
"May I present the new, not improved, but different Laney Boggs.
" Swing, swing Swing the spinning step You wear those shoes And I will wear that dress, oh I may have checked it out more than once, but less than 19 times.
- Am I a bet? - "Am I a bet?" - Am I a bet? - "Am I a bet?" "Am I a [bleep] bet?!" Turns out watching it over and over came in pretty handy at school.
Hey, bro, check out Harriet.
Does she know half that Go-GUR is on her face? With a new look and the right guy on her arm, she could be as popular as any girl at this school.
I'll make that bet.
- Hey! You stop doing what you're doing.
- What? You're plotting to she's-all-that the weird girl.
DON: Um, I don't think you're supposed to call the students "weird.
" Look, it works out in the movies.
But in real life, it is just wrong.
And, uh, what makes you the expert? Years before the movie ever existed, I made a bet that I could she's-all-that a guy - right here at William Penn.
- Whoa.
His name was Barry Goldberg.
He was emotionally out of control he rapped the most un-fresh lyrics [Rapping] Big Tasty wants to take you On a boat ride and he ran with his arms flowing behind him.
[Grunts] This isn't fair! What happened? Before he finished high school, we were engaged.
I don't want to get engaged.
When you she's-all-that someone, there is no telling what could happen.
Take a long look at that Go-GURT-slurping weirdo.
You really want to spend the rest of your life with her? Wazzup? You got something on your chin? - Oh, I do? - Yeah.
It's to the left on your cheek.
Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was January 16, 1990-something, and I still had a lot to learn in my new job, but the one thing I knew was every school in the world had exactly the same kind of teachers, like Ms.
Cinoman, the classic overly dramatic drama teacher Your soul, your breath, your skin yearn for Juliet! I need a minute.
I've worked myself up again.
and Mr.
Crosby, the intense eight-fingered wood shop teacher These nubs are a reminder of just how dangerous wood shop can be.
and then there was CB, the young, hip "super teacher" that all the kids loved.
Whoo! [Claps] Pshhht! What are you doing? I have a unique handshake with each of the kids.
Makes them feel special, and makes me feel - and makes - [Door slams] Okay, let's learn! And so far, I was the newbie none of the other teachers respected.
Hey, Susan.
I saw you still need some help with the Beautification Club.
Sign me up.
Well, manis and pedis courtesy of the PTA? - I mean, who wouldn't jump on that? - [Chuckles] Oh.
The Beautification Club spends every Saturday cleaning up the local parks.
I mean, my weekend is jammed.
More dirty needles for Susan.
I could help you, Susan.
Oh, thanks, CB.
You're the best.
[Mockingly] Meneh-meneh-meh-meh-meh.
But I knew if they just got to know me, I could change all that.
It wasn't easy.
Hey, who wants to go to the caf and grab some fish sticks? Pretty sweet that teachers eat for free, am I right? Teachers do not eat for free.
You've just been grabbing food without paying? [Scoffs] No.
- [Door closes] - She was a crap student.
Now she's a crap teacher.
I give her three weeks, tops.
I can turn her around.
It's what I do.
I mold young minds, and I'm guessing hers is pretty soft.
You're great with kids, CB, but this is different.
Lainey's generally disappointing.
You wanna bet? I know for a fact that I can transform her into a good teacher.
- Name your price.
- Discman.
One of those fancy kinds that can handle light splashing.
- I listen in the tub.
- You're on.
- It's my nubs, isn't it? - I don't Say it.
Say it's my nubs.
It's not It's not your nubs.
While CB was making his bet, Glascott was overseeing the dance decorating committee.
MELLOR: How much longer, John? My dodge balls are precisely inflated for maximum sting.
Every moment counts.
Okay, Coach, just a second.
All right, kids, let us delight in the magic of helium.
Launch the balloon arch! Look at her fly away.
Okay, okay, that is why we do a dry run, people.
All right, let's take five.
- [Whistle blows] - TOM SCOTT: Ah, that's my bad.
Got distracted talking to Lana Eisenstein.
Ooh, see, I told you, Tom Scott.
Joining the decorating committee was a great way to break the ice with Lana.
This guy is helping you score a date? Oh, no, not yet.
But in time.
As the man says, "The slowest moving storms" - Create the most destruction.
- "create the most destruction.
" It's not a perfect metaphor, but it gets the point across.
If your point is failure.
- Eisenstein plays the tuba, right? - Like an angel.
Next band practice, I want you to take her tuba, I want you to lift it in the air, and I want you to say, "Hey, let's go to the dance together.
" Lifting something is not gonna get him a date to a dance.
Of course it will! You lift with your core.
At the center of your core is your heart, AKA, the love muscle.
The lift showcases the strength of said muscle.
Everything you just said is dumb.
Go tie down that arch, slow storm.
- John.
- Oh, Ms.
What a beautiful broach you're wearing.
Thank you, it's a seashell meant to look like my uterus.
Um, I've asked custodial three times for a broom and a dust pan.
My Young Feminists Club is screening "Thelma & Louise," and when those ladies fly off that cliff, the popcorn will fly, too.
Okay, well, I will ride a broom to you myself.
- [Both chuckle] - I mean, bring a broom.
I don't ride brooms.
[Chuckles] - But witches do! - Okay.
You're hot for Liz Fleming.
Me?! No! Did it seem that way? I'm not.
Why would you ask? Is my nose sweating? All noses sweat! Well, what are you waiting for? Ask the lady out, Don Ho! I'm gonna assume you meant Don Juan, and, no, I would never date a teacher here.
Like any good principal, I check my life at the flagpole.
That's my code.
John, as your friend, I have to tell you that your code is a load of crap and will only make your sad life sadder.
Well, as your friend, I have to tell you that your life is equally sad and we're actually just co-workers.
I feel pain like a regular man, John.
Okay, look.
I'm not asking out Liz.
But if you want to help out, you can take her a broom and dust pan.
Time me.
Hey, Liz, just doing my good friend a favor and bringing you some cleaning implements.
[Grunting loudly] Look at you lift that all by yourself.
- I mean, let me help you.
- I got it.
I needed the workout anyway.
[Cabinet clangs] You believe in physical fitness? Yeah, this morning was wall-sits, tuck-jumps, and frog squats.
Frog squats? That's my favorite lower-body calisthenic.
Okay, well, not to push you out, but I do need to look over this season's track schedule.
You're coaching track now? Yeah, I gave up coaching a few years ago, but, uh, I've missed it, you know? - [Chuckles] - Know? Without coaching, I'd have nothing.
I mean, literally nothing.
Oh, I have a very full life.
I love the competition, but my real passion is molding girls into women.
I feel the same passion about boys! I mean men! Molding.
Is my nose sweating? No more than the rest of you.
While Coach was suddenly falling for one teacher, I was about to get tricked by another.
Oh, well, if it isn't Teacher of the Year.
Look, I see that you're struggling to fit in, and I think I can help, okay? I know what it's like to be new.
[Clanging] So I just want to help.
What's your big advice? If you want their respect, you have to show them that you care.
Get involved.
Reach out to a kid.
Oh, I care! I'm a caring nightmare! I'll bet you right now I can help some kid.
- Don't want to bet.
- Loser buys the other a Discman.
Is there something about Discmans that I'm not getting? - Just give me the motivation! - Fine.
I bet you can't make a difference in a kid's life.
[Snaps fingers] You're on, assface.
I know just the kid.
I'm going to the dance with Lana! Nice, Tom Scott! I told you taking it slow would work.
Also, this morning, I lifted her tuba and said, "We should go to the dance together.
" Oh, wait, so you took the coach's advice? And it worked.
Although I farted when I lifted the tuba, but Lana was too nice to say anything.
I can't believe it.
Oh, yeah, me neither.
[Chuckles] It was a real dooze.
You know, the best part is, for the first time since I've been at this school, I, uh I don't feel so lonely.
I want love in my life like Tom Scott.
Give me some dumb advice - so that I can date Liz Fleming.
- No, you were right.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
You're the one who helped Tom.
But your dumb words put him over the top.
As your friend, I need to remind you, you have a code, and that is that you check your life at the flagpole.
Forget Fleming.
Why do you have that play drawn up with X's and hearts instead of X's and O's? Wait.
You like Liz Fleming now? Well, I didn't intend for this to happen, but when she wrapped her bird-like arms around that filing cabinet, she didn't just lift a piece of furniture.
She lifted my heart! Then game on, as they say.
You don't say that.
I say that! Well, I say it now, too.
- Game on! - You're not saying it right.
It's "game on!" I'm gonna make it my own.
- Game on! - Game on! - Game on! - Game on! Game on! On, on, on, on, on! While Mellor and Glascott tore each other down Aah! I was eager to build up Harriet's confidence.
So, I sense you'd like more from your life at school.
Am I right? Well, sure.
That would be good.
Well, I pulled your file, and I see you're on the debate team, but you never compete.
Sounds like a lack of confidence.
- And that's just - I want a makeover! What's that? New hair, new shoes, new clothes that's the kind of "more" I want.
Listen, I hear what you're saying, but I've got a plan to turn you into a superstar that's way more than just a new pair of shoes.
And your jacket I want that jacket.
And I want it off your body so it has your musk.
Okay, that's good.
And strange.
But you're telling me what you want.
- I like it.
- You do? Yes.
You know what happens sometimes when you only change what's on the outside? It makes you feel damn good on the inside! - We're doing a makeover! - Yes! Just like that, I had the perfect way to show off to my peers and finally earn their respect.
I'm sure you're all wondering why I've called you here.
It's come to my attention that I don't have your respect because some of you don't think I'm a very good teacher.
- It's all of us.
- Well then you're about to owe me an apology because I am about to turn Harriet Tubman's life around.
Oh, I don't know her last name, but I'm sure it's not Tubman.
Introducing the new, not improved but different, Harriet Tubman! Stop saying Tubman.
Kiss me Out of the bearded barley Nightly Beside the green, green grass Swing, swing Swing the spinning step You wear those shoes - [Record slows] - And I will Ooh! [Indistinct conversations] CB: Wh-What, um, what uh - Wh-what's ha What's happening here? - I'm inspiring a student.
- To be more shallow? - To be more confident! - Rubba-dub-dub, like my jams in the tub.
- Okay.
Look, I'm just getting started here.
Besides, people are gonna notice Harriet's new attitude more than anything.
BECKY: Holy crap! Harriet looks like an MTV VJ! I have play practice after school, but I'd skip it if you could make my boobs look like that.
You're the lead.
You cannot skip.
Forget the play! - I want boobs! - All right, you know what? - As long as I'm at this school - Please, I - you won't have boobs.
- Please, please.
Okay, I see how this might not be helping my case.
You she's-all-that'd a student.
You're a teacher, not a stylist.
You know what? I am done with this.
I deserve your respect.
And if you can't see that, well, then, you're all just a bunch of crusty, old dill holes.
Dill hole? Just Rubba-dub-dub.
LAINEY: I had failed to win the teachers over, but CB still had his bet with Crosby, and he wasn't about to lose.
Again, it's not free, so Everybody does it.
[Sighs] I just wanted to apologize.
I was too harsh yesterday, and if you're interested, I'd still like to help.
- Why? - Simple.
I really do believe in you, Lainey.
You actually mean that? Of course I do! Yes! So where do we start? Teach me to teach.
I'm ready.
Okay, to get the teachers' respect, you have to prove to them that you can reach the kids.
Now, to do that, you have to be creative and potentially daring.
Now let the show begin.
Uh, "show"? [As Jim Carrey] As Fire Marshal Bill says, "One theme in Shakespeare's 'King Lear' is the lack of justice in a cruel world.
" Please never do that again.
[Normal voice] Once she's through the looking glass, Alice's world is literally turned upside down.
Your face is very red.
I'm concerned.
[Playing "Twinkle Twinkle"] So, that flute is yours now.
[Grunts] Oh! Oh, my God! I want to be a better teacher, not the warm-up act at a carnival freak show.
I'm just trying to encourage you to think outside the box and have fun.
Gah, this is hopeless! Look, there might be an easier way.
Okay, you're dressed like a teenager going to the mall.
Teachers, they can be just as shallow as the students, and appearances they matter.
Yes, yes! I'll do the easy shallow thing.
Then we're doing a make-under! [Record revs] Oh, kiss me Beneath the milky twilight Lead me Out on the moonlit floor Lift your open hand Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance Silver moon's sparkling Susan, still need help advising the Beautification Club? - So kiss me - Yes! That'd be great.
Then, on Saturday, I will put these garbage hands to work.
Oh, terrific, Lainey.
Okay, I'll see you at 5:00 a.
Huh? Signing up for Suzie's club.
Nice touch.
Thanks for believing in me.
You're the first person here who has.
Oh, and as Fire Marshall Bill would say [Bad impression of Jim Carrey] "Thanks so much! - Heh, heh, heh!" - Don't do that.
[Normal voice] Yeah, that was not great.
[Chuckles nervously] CB was feeling rotten about winning his bet to make me a real teacher.
Meanwhile, Principal Glascott was about to learn he was losing to Coach.
He's on the sports field! - Frog squats work best - GLASCOTT: Liz! - when you pause here.
- Guys! Hey! What's up? [Panting] John, are you all right? - Hi.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get you some water.
[Gasping] Well, look who's concerned about my hydration.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? I asked Liz if she needed help with the shot-putters and the discus throwers, and she was ecstatic.
So you're helping her with track.
- Big deal.
- It is.
But you know what the biggest deal is? Tonight at the dance, Liz and I are working the punch bowl.
- And? - Poor John.
You've checked your life at the flagpole for so long, you don't even know about punch bowl babies.
This is definitely not a thing.
1975, Howard and Dirksen worked the bowl baby! '82, Edsall and Muransky baby! 1985, Guarascio and Secunda, a beautiful adopted Chinese baby! - Coincidence.
- There's magic in that punch, and Liz and I will share its sweet nectar.
"Game on" will be game over.
[Groans] In the battle for Liz Fleming's heart, Coach had pulled way ahead.
Meanwhile, Crosby was ready to admit defeat.
Here's your Discman.
These things are very expensive.
Ah, we're teachers.
Everything's expensive to us.
[Applause in distance] HARRIET: Statistics are undeniable, and the evidence is clear.
In conclusion, the chair is life.
[Applause] Harriet is crushing it.
I don't even believe in capital punishment, but this has got me thinkin'.
She's like a different person.
You mean a confident person? JUDGE: The winner is Harriet Jones! - [Cheers and applause] - Oh, my God! Yes! I did it! I did it! Okay, you're right.
Her name's not Tubman.
But I was right, too.
The makeover worked.
You didn't need me at all.
You knew what you were doing all along.
Well, either way, it still felt great to have one person who believed in me.
Um, yeah, about that Boo-yeah! I won.
I did it.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean you don't still owe me a Discman.
I won our bet, so gimme.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's not your Discman.
- That's mine.
- What? You just admitted that she was a good teacher, which makes our bet null and void.
What's he talking about? Why is he pawing at my Discman? - Gimme! - He made a bet that he could change you from a lousy teacher into one of us.
But you were already one of us.
So gimme! Wait, so while I was just she's-all-that'ing Harriet, were you really just she's-all-that'ing me? [Sighs] Am I a bet? Am I a friggin' bet?! - You were she's-all-that'ing me? - Uh-oh.
Am I a bet? Am I a friggin' bet?! It started as a bet, but I really believe in you.
I do.
You do? Of course.
And now everyone else does, too, because you killed it today.
That was all you.
I think all that stuff about you.
Not now, CB! I'm sorry, Harriet.
I-I really am.
Don't be.
I just won my first debate, and I'm going to the dance, and I look hot! You can bet about me anytime.
That was not like the movie.
You know what? Everyone thinks you're this great super teacher.
Well, I think you're just a jerk.
And you dressed me up like Mrs.
Doubtfire! You're a monster! LAINEY: It was the night of the big dance, and Coach had finally secured his date at the punch bowl along with Liz Fleming.
Punch has a sweet aroma, don't you think? I don't like men telling me how to perceive the world.
But, yeah, I love that tutti-frutti.
Well, looks like you two could use a hand.
Or should I say a "ladle"? My lord, that's the biggest ladle I've ever seen.
Yes, it's forged with German steel and does the work of two men.
So, Coach, you can go.
I got this.
Everyone knows ladling is about speed.
[Laughs] See, it's, uh Rapid fire that's the key.
See this? Look at all the punch in my big, German engineered spoon.
Check this out.
Okay, I don't know why you guys are ramming your heads together like two bighorn sheep, but I'm stepping out of here.
Uh-huh What is your problem? My problem is my so-called friend told me to ask out Fleming before he tried to steal her! You said you'd never, ever ask her out and that your so-called friend was just your co-worker! Actually, "co-worker" isn't quite right.
What you really are is my underling.
Rick Mellor is under no man and no ling.
Call it what you want, but I'm your boss.
And your boss needs you to patrol outside the school tonight.
You're kicking me out? Here's a walkie-talkie just in case you get lost in the woods.
I guess one thing's for sure.
We really aren't friends after all.
Glascott's victory felt hollow, and Coach discovered he wasn't the only one feeling defeated.
Tom Scott? What are you doing out here, son? I need Principal Glascott.
Tom Scott's asking for you.
Drop the ladle and step away from the punch! Switch it up! I'm coming in! Yeah! No, I need both of you! Ah, damn it! I mean, sure, Tom Scott.
Follow me.
Tom Scott, what are you doing? - Your date's inside waiting.
- She's not my date.
Lana said she just wants to be friends.
Ah, it's not so bad.
Girlfriends come and go, but a friend? That's forever.
If the friendship's real.
Coach is right.
Friendship means more than anything, even if sometimes we forget that.
Yeah, us guys can get so caught up in romance and school dances that we lose sight of that.
And who knows? Maybe one day you'll grow into good friends.
Or close friends.
- Or even best friends.
- Or lovers.
[Chuckles] - No.
That's too much.
- That's too far.
Why don't you go on inside? - Come on.
- Thanks.
You guys are the best.
[Sighs] Sorry for everything, Coach.
Ah, me, too.
And as far as Liz Fleming is concerned, I'm bowing out.
I am, too.
Some things are more important.
Thanks, John.
[Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me" plays] Kiss me Out of the bearded barley Nightly Beside the green, green grass - I sucked, too.
- What? When I started teaching, I was nervous and insecure.
- Really? - Yeah.
I was wrong about you, Lainey.
You get these kids way more than I did when I started.
Thank you for that.
And if I can grow into this amazing molder of young minds you see before you, who knows how great of a teacher you can be.
[Chuckles] So, are we good? - Strike up the band - Yeah.
And make the fireflies dance Silver moon's sparkling Everyone wants to fit in - and be respected.
- So kiss me But that day, I realized you can't be your best unless you have confidence in yourself and trust your instincts.
And that is how I finally figured out exactly the kind of teacher I would be.
Hello, everybody, I'm sitting here with the real, actual C.
What's the greatest thing about being a teacher? Getting to be involved in kids' lives and just seeing them grow.
How did you make learning fun? I make sure that the kids know that I love them.
- Yeah.
- So that when I scream at them, they still know that I love them, and I find that that works, so That's really manipulative, and I love it.
Did you do impressions, or like? [As John Wayne] Well, I don't know, pilgrim.
[Laughs] [Normal voice] We can end it at that.
[Laughs] Has there ever been a student that has become a teacher? Rick Mellor was a student and came back to be a teacher.
- Can you break-dance? - Yeah.
In my day.
Now my arms would fall off.
Got to go like this.
Okay, yeah.
No, that'll work.
- Grab your foot.
- Yeah.
- And then you jump over it.
- Oh, my God.
So, yeah.
You just do that.
- [Grunts] - Whoa! That's really impressive.