Schooled (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
Kris Kross
1 LAINEY: Back in middle school, my friends and I looked to the most popular bands for our own personal style, and our all-time favorite was New Kids on the Block.
ERICA & LAINEY: The right stuff.
This culminated when we lip-synched our favorite song in front of the entire school.
We were mocked for years.
[Children booing.]
The right stuff LAINEY: '90s music brought a ton of incredible fashions - for kids to choose from.
- Jump, jump Like Kris Kross, a young rap duo who wore their clothes backwards.
It was amazing, but a tough look for middle schoolers in Philly to pull off.
But now, as a teacher, I was there to set them straight.
What is this? What's happening? We're Kris Kross! Yeah, I'm the Miggida miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy! - Yeah, you are.
- No, you're not.
You look like a boy who got dressed in the dark.
Now go to the bathroom and do not come out until all your zippers are facing the right way.
But we're trying to spread the word about our big performance! Yeah, we're gonna do "Jump" at the arts festival.
Oh, wow, okay.
No, you're definitely not doing that.
- Why? - Listen to me carefully because I'm only gonna say this once.
If you come out on that stage looking like Kris Kross, the other kids will annihilate you.
They'll call you "The Turd Twins," and make the next four years a living hell.
And then when you finally graduate and start a new life, you'll bury the trauma.
Until your 10-year reunion when you introduce your hot wife, Claire, to your fellow classmates and they're like, "Hey, did you know your husband once danced onstage to Kris Kross?" Claire will leave you! But I don't want Claire to leave me! She's the only woman my mom ever liked! Then you better take my advice.
- For sure.
- Thanks, Miss Lewis.
That's what I'm here for, boys! Man, I love molding young minds.
Hey, Jamiroquai! What's with the hat? The kids were lucky I was there to save them.
Unfortunately, not all the other teachers appreciated my methods.
Hello.
Um, Aaron and Ed just told me that they're bailing on their Kris Kross performance 'cause you said they'd get made fun of.
[Scoffs.]
That's not true.
I told them it would totally destroy their lives.
I saw them rehearsing, and I thought they were really good.
Especially their dance moves.
This one part, they're like sweep! You choreographed it for them, didn't you? [Chuckling.]
A little, yeah.
CB, have you forgotten these kids are in middle school? - So? - Middle school is universally known as a cesspool of hormonal, insecure monsters, who are just waiting to rip each other apart.
I'm only trying to protect them.
By squashing their self-expression? By squashing their bad ideas.
Well, I think, as teachers, we should try to make middle school better by teaching these kids confidence and acceptance.
Look, middle school will always be garbage.
And there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Even CB, the super teacher.
And super dancer! [Scats.]
One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was February 27th, 1990-something and Mr.
Granger, the art teacher, had an exciting announcement for his co-workers.
Good morning, everyone! As I'm sure you're all aware, our school's annual X-Day celebration is almost upon us! Now, I know you've all put in long hours and weekends to help put this arts and music festival together, so I just want to take this moment to say [Inhales sharply.]
there's so much more left to do.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Granger was proud of his huge annual event that involved the entire school.
Unfortunately, it also involved a huge amount of work for the other teachers.
Rick, I'm gonna need your help moving a few sculptures onto the field.
This is what I get for being jacked.
Liz, I'd love to use your rowboat for one of the kid's installations.
Sure.
There goes my night fishing this week.
Splendid! And, Coop, I need you to really dig into the Port-a-Potty to make sure they're squeaky clean.
Oh, I knew my four years at Yale would pay off.
Thank you all.
Your dedication means the world to me.
[Groans.]
- Liz is right.
- Oh, dear Lord! This arts festival that has neither the word "arts" nor "festival" in the title is a real thorn in our sides.
[Groans.]
And, it's a huge budget suck.
I wish we could just end it.
Shut it down, John.
John, you can end it.
- You're in charge now! - Of course, I could.
But Granger doesn't have much else going on.
[Groans.]
Okay, you're right.
I'll go talk to him.
- I didn't know you were a fisherman.
- Fisherwoman.
- Bass? - Large mouth.
- Crank bait? - Weedless jig.
Yeah.
Fantastic.
Knock knock, Randy! Can I talk to you for a second? John! Great timing.
I want to show you a work-in-progress of the piece I'm doing for the festival.
Ta-da! Oh, wow.
That's me.
Four times.
I fear I've not got your nose just right.
Hmm! Hmm, hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm No! It's perfect.
Just as you are, sir, because you're the man - who makes X-Day possible.
- Yeah.
Now, what did you want to talk about? Okay, the thing is [Stammers.]
As a new principal, John was aware the job involved breaking tough news to his friends and teachers.
He was also aware that he was horrible at it.
- I am doubling your budget for X-Day.
- Really? - And we're gonna do it twice a year! - That too? Could have stopped talking after I said the first thing, but - sure, why not? - Oh! Principal Glascott had run away from delivering the bad news, but CB was determined to fight the brutal realities of middle school.
I'm sure you're all wondering why we're sitting around on a bunch of pillows.
Are we having a sleepover? - 'Cause I didn't bring my retainer.
- No.
Why do so many of these things have cats on 'em? Uh, they are on loan from my Nana.
Uh, today we're gonna be talking about what's going on in your heads.
Um, I'm sure right now you're all worrying that you're being judged about your haircut, or what you're wearing, or if you're cool enough Me? So I'm the problem? No.
No one's a problem.
Everyone just relax, okay? I want you to each say one thing that you're insecure about, but no judging.
Debra.
I want to get the same haircut as Rachel on "Friends" before my next debate meet.
Well, there's no way that that haircut only looks good on Jennifer Aniston.
So I say go for it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure, yeah.
Yes.
I want to show Michelle Jerrier the doll I made from collecting her hair in swim class.
Okay, well, we'll we'll circle back on that one.
Okay? But good sharing, buddy.
Yes.
Me and Ed wanted to do Kris Kross for X-Day, but I don't want my hot wife to leave me.
Ms.
Lewis really did a number on you guys.
I say go for it.
And if you didn't, well, that'd be wiggida wiggida wiggida whack.
- [Chuckles.]
- See how good this feels? If we're not judging each other, then we won't be afraid to be ourselves.
And when we're ourselves, well, that's when we're all cool.
[Applause.]
- ED: Yeah.
- What are you doing? Oh.
Take five, my shining beacons of self-expression! [Breathes sharply.]
Hey.
I'm just having an honest rap session with the kids about confidence and acceptance.
I'm calling it "Pillow Talk with CB.
" Probably gonna get in some trouble with that name.
Okay, your negative energy is really putting a damper on the good vibes we've got going on in here.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
You can't change what middle school is.
You're setting up these kids to fail.
You know what? This is a no judgment zone.
So I'm gonna go ahead aaaannnnnd [Door closes.]
While CB and I didn't see things the same way, Principal Glascott was trying to see anything in the latest '90s art craze.
- Dolphins.
Not my favorite.
- What? I've been staring at this Magic Eye poster for like an hour! So, Granger's out there, asked me to move a bunch of sculptures for X-Day.
I thought you were gonna tell him it was canceled? Of course I told him! You think I wouldn't tell him? Okay, I didn't tell him.
What? You've gotta shut this nonsense down! I tried.
X-Day means the world to him! He also painted me looking very glamorous.
Strangely, I have no follow-up questions to that.
What kinda soulless monster would rip away something that he loves so dearly? You want me to do it? Oh, would you? Hold my fruit.
What Glascott couldn't find a way to do, Mellor did with ease.
Glascott watched as Coach, without hesitation or emotion, canceled the arts festival, ridding the faculty of the burdensome workload.
It's done.
How'd you do that? I'm a coach I break bad news all the time.
Just this morning, I had to tell Jimmy Covle that he can't play basketball until his grades come up.
- That must have been hard.
- Not really.
The kid moves down the court like an ocean liner.
And I take pride in knowing that my tough words have made him stronger.
Huh.
You know, I've got more bad news for the faculty that I've been putting off because of my crippling fear of confrontation - You want me to be your muscle? - Very much so.
- Done.
What do you need? - Just this.
Let's get to work.
[Laughs.]
Yeah! Finally, Principal Glascott had a way to deliver bad news to his staff.
Personal phone calls? Never.
Dangerous explosive chemistry experiments? Unh-unh.
And stinky whitefish salad in the teacher's lounge? Don't even think about it.
[Sighs.]
Thanks again, Rick.
I really owe you one.
Ah, don't mention it.
We're friends.
Friends do things for each other.
They sure do.
[Chuckles.]
Just like I know you, my friend, would do things for me.
Absolutely.
Was there something you had in mind, or? Oh.
Well, since you're asking I would really love to get my ropes unit back.
You mean the ropes unit where the kids climb up to the ceiling? And hang frighteningly high above the floor? Yeah.
That's the one.
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
Yeah.
The kids love it.
The ones that Earl Ball canceled because of our skyrocketing insurance premiums? Of course.
Consider it done.
Ha! Ah, my happiness has soared to heights higher than any man could climb on a rope.
Glascott discovered that handing off his responsibilities came with a cost, while I was ready to teach that CB's optimistic life lessons came with too high a price.
Who here has taken Mr.
Brown's unfortunately-titled "Pillow Talk" class? That's what I thought.
Which is why today's music theory class will be dedicated to unlearning all the crap he's put in your heads.
Mr.
Brown is setting you up for a life of pain.
You can all pretend you're not gonna judge each other all you want, but social acceptance does not exist in middle school.
But CB said that by creating a safe space we'd all learn to set our judgments free.
Well, CB's a tool.
Allow me to illustrate my point.
What's your favorite band? Pearl Jam.
You, favorite band.
- Hanson? - [Hushed laughter.]
See? Hanson is lame therefore, Bobby is lame for liking them.
Bobby is lame! But it's not his fault.
CB is tricking him and all of you into thinking you can share who you really are.
I-I changed my mind.
- I like Pearl Jam.
- There you go, Bobby.
CB's advice might have worked for an hour in a class full of pillows, but it doesn't fly in the real world.
Teach us everything you know! Buckle up.
Rule one! Keep all opinions to yourself.
Rule two do not hug your parents at school.
Rule three detentions are a badge of honor.
Rule four never use your inhaler.
Pop quiz, hot shot.
You're at a school dance.
For some reason, traditional Irish music comes on.
What do you do? Pretend like I've never heard the music before even though I'm a state champion at Irish dancing? That's right, Debra O'Donohue! Hide your talent! Hide your heritage! Man, we are definitely not doing Kris Kross at X-Day.
No way.
And, remember, in a few years, middle school will be over, and you'll be safe to reveal who you really are.
Hiya.
Uh, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure thing, pal! Why don't you guys recite your new motto? I'll be right back.
ALL: "Keep your head down, blend in, trust no one.
" What are you doing? I'm undoing all the damage you did to these kids.
You can't undo pillow talk! Oh, I'm undoing it hard.
Well, then, tomorrow, I'm just gonna undo - your undoing of my doing! - Go ahead! I'll just undo your undoing of my undoing of your doing! It is so on.
Bring it, pillow boy.
With Mellor now doing his dirty work, Glascott found that he had more time to focus on other important things.
That's the most majestic pack of dolphins I've ever seen.
Ugh, all I see is madness! Forget it! So, what brings you in today, Earl? I got this memo about bringing the ropes unit back to Phys Ed.
What? Oh, no, you don't have to worry about that memo.
The ropes aren't happening? Oh, no, they are, you just weren't supposed to get the memo.
This is unacceptable! I got rid of the ropes for a reason, John! I know that the ropes are problematic, but they just mean so much to Coach Mellor.
Every time he looks up into the rafters and doesn't see children dangling, a little piece of him dies.
You have a plaque on your desk, and on that plaque is etched the word "Principal.
" Now, do you Where is it? I just thought it set me apart from people in a rigid hierarchy, so I put it in my drawer.
This is exactly what I'm talking about! You are not their friend anymore, John.
You are their boss! Okay, okay.
I hear you.
So I want you to march yourself down to Mellor's office and you tell that man, "No ropes!" I will definitely do that.
But he definitely could not.
So, instead Your ropes are dunzo.
- What? - The ropes have been canceled.
So you can take these back to wherever you get comically giant ropes from.
What are you talking about? Glascott approved these ropes.
Well, they've been un-approved.
Why wouldn't he come down here and tell me himsel Wait a minute.
Are you the new muscle? I don't know what you're talking about.
John sent you down here to break the bad news, didn't he? - Mnh-mnh.
- Yeah, well, let me tell you something there's only one muscle in John Glascott's body and his name is Rick Mellor! Okay, yes, I'm the new muscle.
But I only accepted the position because he promised me something in return.
- What? - A giant abacus.
- A what?! - Oh, my God.
An abacus is an ancient calculating device I know what an abacus is, but why a giant one? The Sumerians designed the abacus to be hand-held that was the whole idea! Yeah, but a giant abacus would have to be operated by two students.
They'd learn together! Two minds working as one in math harmony! [Laughs.]
Yeah, well, I wouldn't get my hopes up.
'Cause if there's one thing John is better at than making deals, it's welching on 'em.
John made me a promise.
I know he'll come through.
- Liz? - Yeah? Hey, can I talk to you about your giant abacus for a minute? Heads up it's not gonna be good news.
[Sighs.]
I'm gonna keep this up there.
Thought you might like to know I just had one of the best pillow talks with my kids.
- Still calling it that, huh? - I'm dug in now.
Well, you should probably just, uh, shut it down 'cause my hard talks have been very effective.
- Miss Lewis.
- Hey, Bobby, what's up? After your advice yesterday, I've decided not to perform a monologue from "Dr.
Quinn Medicine Woman" - at the talent show.
- Smart call.
Honestly, if you've already memorized it, you could always just perform it for your grandparents.
I mean, old people love mid-19th century medical dramas.
See? Crisis averted.
Okay maybe that would've been a disaster.
- Hey, Miss Lewis! - Hey, Debbie, what's up? Great news! I dropped out of the debate club.
- What is that now? - I realized that any argument I make can be used as ammo against me.
So I quit! Now I'm just gonna hang out in the woods after school.
Okay, so one kid takes my advice too far and quits something - Actually, the whole team quit.
- Oh, no And Ben Fuller dropped out of the marching band Oh, no.
Sarah Mitchell canceled her birthday party Oh, no.
and Jared Lyon has completely stop talking! Thanks! - What have you done? - I don't know! I-I didn't mean for them to quit everything! Well, they did! Look, I know that you're trying to help these kids, but you literally did the opposite.
My idea to help the kids had completely backfired - [Whistling.]
- while Principal Glascott's plan to use the teachers to deliver tough news was about to catch up with him.
Oh, no.
All my muscles united against me.
Run, John, run! Why did you buy a keychain with a tennis ball on it?! Why, John?! [Grunts.]
- Ah! - Going somewhere, John? Nowhere in particular.
Just home to, you know, read my Bible.
We're onto you! Manipulating us, making promises, breaking promises.
We want our stuff back! Okay, look, I'll admit I used you guys to do some of my dirty work.
But I only did it because you're my friends and I didn't want to upset you! No, you just act like Mr.
Nice Guy, when, in fact, all you do is lie to us! That's right.
But you know who does do that? - A coward.
- Excuse me? - You heard him.
- Coward? Here's a coward! None of you get anything! Not your ropes! Not your abacus! Not the whatever you were asking for, Coop! Honestly, I wasn't even listening! - What? - What about X-Day? Oh, you mean the thing that started this mess? [Chuckling.]
Oh, it's back.
I tried to be your friend, but now I'll be your boss.
I hope you're all happy! Oh! What a surprising turn of events.
[Groans.]
Oh, man.
I never should have let the kids drink their Kool-Aid Kool Bursts in here.
Nana's gonna freak.
Hey.
I wanted to let you know Debra's back on the debate team, birthday parties are back on all the kids understand I went too far.
You really did.
But I think you should know why.
["You Got It (The Right Stuff)" plays.]
ERICA & LAINEY: The right stuff.
Why are you so stiff? I used to wear a back brace for my Scoliosis.
Kinda made it hard to dance.
- [Children booing.]
- Love the way you turn me on The rest of the year, we had to eat lunch - in the nurse's office.
- Wow.
I knew that you were teased about New Kids on the Block, but I didn't know you deserved it so much.
Look, I never wanted to hold the kids back.
I just didn't want to see them get hurt like I did.
- All that I needed was you - BOY: Get off the stage! - Oh, no.
- What? Remember how you talked Aaron and Ed out of doing the Kris Kross performance, then I talked them back into it, and then you talked them - back out of it? - Yeah Well, I kinda talked them back into it.
- What? Why did you do that? - Because I'm an idiot! And I sugarcoated the inescapable horrors of middle school and I've just ruined two little boys' lives! - Hang on.
We can fix this.
- How? By trying to give Aaron and Ed the middle school win I never had.
LAINEY: Principal Glascott had finally asserted himself as the teachers' boss and not their friend, pushing them away.
But then he saw the answer to his leadership dilemma right in front of him.
Oh, my God! Dolphins! I see it! I finally see it! [Indistinct conversations.]
Hey, guys! I need to talk to you.
Oh, no.
Talk to the hands.
Everything that I need to tell you is in this Magic Eye Poster.
I just see a bunch of squiggly lines.
You see the dolphins? They're jumping through the hoop of fire? - Hoop of fire? - Why? Because they have a good leader who's guiding them.
It's a hidden image you gotta focus your eyes and then unfocus 'em.
- Cross your eyes.
- Just listen! - Just a little bit.
- Okay.
- And then un-cross them.
- Guys, listen.
Now you're just looking down at your nose.
- Guys, please.
- God, I'm doing my best, Randy! Forget about the poster.
Damn it, John, we're invested now! We want Liz to see what we see! - Thank you.
- Look, guys, I haven't handled the past few days very well, and I want to apologize.
- Okay.
- Going from being your co-worker to being your boss hasn't been easy.
You guys are my friends, and I really hate disappointing you.
But you need a strong principal who can make tough decisions.
And, look, I can't give you everything that you want, but I can treat you with respect.
Rick, I'll let you have your ropes, but you have to add additional safety measures.
And, Liz, a giant abacus makes very little sense, no matter how I slice it, but how about a dedicated computer for the math department instead? I can get behind that.
And, Coop, you wanted? Reimbursement for the tortillamaking materials - that I bought for my students.
- Oh, that's super easy.
Probably didn't even need to put in a special request.
So, what do you say, guys? Even though I'm the principal now, - can we still be friends? - You got it, John.
- Great.
- Holy [bleep.]
, I see it now! You guys, that's beautiful! It's like a 3D image - Right.
- like a Genesis video.
While Glascott finally worked it out with the teachers, Aaron and Ed were about to put themselves out there in front of a bunch of judgmental teenagers.
William Penn Academy! Are you ready to BOTH: Juuuuuuuummmmmmpppp! Jump, jump [Lip-syncing.]
You should know, you should know better Kris Kross is not having anything today We can make ya, make ya Jump, jump LAINEY: All the students watched the two boys struggling onstage, and even more confused by CB and my opposite advice, none of them dared show any signs of support.
Jump, jump Daddy Mac will make ya Jump, jump Kris Kross will make ya Jump, jump LAINEY: Fortunately, a couple of teachers finally decided to work together to make things right.
I'm the Mac, and I'm bad Give you something that you never had How high? Real high, 'cause I'm just so fly LAINEY: With our help, we turned those two into the miggidy miggidy Mac Daddies and got the whole school jumping.
'Cause inside out, it's wiggida wiggida wiggida whack Jump, jump And Daddy Mac will make ya Jump, jump Kris Kross will make ya Jump, jump And Daddy Mac will make ya There's no denying middle school can be a challenging and turbulent chapter that can seem almost impossible to make it through.
But that's where teachers come in.
They let the kids know that they're all in it together and help create special moments and memories that they will cherish forever.
This is the best X-Day ever! Uh-huh, uh-huh Jump, jump Hi, everybody.
I'm Greg Proops.
I play Mr.
Granger.
And this is Mr.
Granger.
All right, I have to ask you this one.
- [Chuckles.]
- The mustache is your calling card.
Why the mustache? Well, I've had it so long, I've had it since I was 18, never cut off, and it kept growing.
It's much shorter today than it was then, but I've always had it.
And then, when I considered cutting it off, I thought, "Oh, my gosh, what will people think? - They won't know me.
" - [Laughs.]
Sorry.
That's really true.
So, tell me a little bit about X-Day.
How did it start? So, X-Day stands for "Experimental Day," and so everybody was involved.
You never could predict the outcome.
How do you feel about being portrayed on television? Well, I think your energy and your character is absolutely right.
It's It's right for that vintage, yeah.
It was that long in the '90s.
ERICA & LAINEY: The right stuff.
This culminated when we lip-synched our favorite song in front of the entire school.
We were mocked for years.
[Children booing.]
The right stuff LAINEY: '90s music brought a ton of incredible fashions - for kids to choose from.
- Jump, jump Like Kris Kross, a young rap duo who wore their clothes backwards.
It was amazing, but a tough look for middle schoolers in Philly to pull off.
But now, as a teacher, I was there to set them straight.
What is this? What's happening? We're Kris Kross! Yeah, I'm the Miggida miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy! - Yeah, you are.
- No, you're not.
You look like a boy who got dressed in the dark.
Now go to the bathroom and do not come out until all your zippers are facing the right way.
But we're trying to spread the word about our big performance! Yeah, we're gonna do "Jump" at the arts festival.
Oh, wow, okay.
No, you're definitely not doing that.
- Why? - Listen to me carefully because I'm only gonna say this once.
If you come out on that stage looking like Kris Kross, the other kids will annihilate you.
They'll call you "The Turd Twins," and make the next four years a living hell.
And then when you finally graduate and start a new life, you'll bury the trauma.
Until your 10-year reunion when you introduce your hot wife, Claire, to your fellow classmates and they're like, "Hey, did you know your husband once danced onstage to Kris Kross?" Claire will leave you! But I don't want Claire to leave me! She's the only woman my mom ever liked! Then you better take my advice.
- For sure.
- Thanks, Miss Lewis.
That's what I'm here for, boys! Man, I love molding young minds.
Hey, Jamiroquai! What's with the hat? The kids were lucky I was there to save them.
Unfortunately, not all the other teachers appreciated my methods.
Hello.
Um, Aaron and Ed just told me that they're bailing on their Kris Kross performance 'cause you said they'd get made fun of.
[Scoffs.]
That's not true.
I told them it would totally destroy their lives.
I saw them rehearsing, and I thought they were really good.
Especially their dance moves.
This one part, they're like sweep! You choreographed it for them, didn't you? [Chuckling.]
A little, yeah.
CB, have you forgotten these kids are in middle school? - So? - Middle school is universally known as a cesspool of hormonal, insecure monsters, who are just waiting to rip each other apart.
I'm only trying to protect them.
By squashing their self-expression? By squashing their bad ideas.
Well, I think, as teachers, we should try to make middle school better by teaching these kids confidence and acceptance.
Look, middle school will always be garbage.
And there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Even CB, the super teacher.
And super dancer! [Scats.]
One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was February 27th, 1990-something and Mr.
Granger, the art teacher, had an exciting announcement for his co-workers.
Good morning, everyone! As I'm sure you're all aware, our school's annual X-Day celebration is almost upon us! Now, I know you've all put in long hours and weekends to help put this arts and music festival together, so I just want to take this moment to say [Inhales sharply.]
there's so much more left to do.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Granger was proud of his huge annual event that involved the entire school.
Unfortunately, it also involved a huge amount of work for the other teachers.
Rick, I'm gonna need your help moving a few sculptures onto the field.
This is what I get for being jacked.
Liz, I'd love to use your rowboat for one of the kid's installations.
Sure.
There goes my night fishing this week.
Splendid! And, Coop, I need you to really dig into the Port-a-Potty to make sure they're squeaky clean.
Oh, I knew my four years at Yale would pay off.
Thank you all.
Your dedication means the world to me.
[Groans.]
- Liz is right.
- Oh, dear Lord! This arts festival that has neither the word "arts" nor "festival" in the title is a real thorn in our sides.
[Groans.]
And, it's a huge budget suck.
I wish we could just end it.
Shut it down, John.
John, you can end it.
- You're in charge now! - Of course, I could.
But Granger doesn't have much else going on.
[Groans.]
Okay, you're right.
I'll go talk to him.
- I didn't know you were a fisherman.
- Fisherwoman.
- Bass? - Large mouth.
- Crank bait? - Weedless jig.
Yeah.
Fantastic.
Knock knock, Randy! Can I talk to you for a second? John! Great timing.
I want to show you a work-in-progress of the piece I'm doing for the festival.
Ta-da! Oh, wow.
That's me.
Four times.
I fear I've not got your nose just right.
Hmm! Hmm, hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm No! It's perfect.
Just as you are, sir, because you're the man - who makes X-Day possible.
- Yeah.
Now, what did you want to talk about? Okay, the thing is [Stammers.]
As a new principal, John was aware the job involved breaking tough news to his friends and teachers.
He was also aware that he was horrible at it.
- I am doubling your budget for X-Day.
- Really? - And we're gonna do it twice a year! - That too? Could have stopped talking after I said the first thing, but - sure, why not? - Oh! Principal Glascott had run away from delivering the bad news, but CB was determined to fight the brutal realities of middle school.
I'm sure you're all wondering why we're sitting around on a bunch of pillows.
Are we having a sleepover? - 'Cause I didn't bring my retainer.
- No.
Why do so many of these things have cats on 'em? Uh, they are on loan from my Nana.
Uh, today we're gonna be talking about what's going on in your heads.
Um, I'm sure right now you're all worrying that you're being judged about your haircut, or what you're wearing, or if you're cool enough Me? So I'm the problem? No.
No one's a problem.
Everyone just relax, okay? I want you to each say one thing that you're insecure about, but no judging.
Debra.
I want to get the same haircut as Rachel on "Friends" before my next debate meet.
Well, there's no way that that haircut only looks good on Jennifer Aniston.
So I say go for it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure, yeah.
Yes.
I want to show Michelle Jerrier the doll I made from collecting her hair in swim class.
Okay, well, we'll we'll circle back on that one.
Okay? But good sharing, buddy.
Yes.
Me and Ed wanted to do Kris Kross for X-Day, but I don't want my hot wife to leave me.
Ms.
Lewis really did a number on you guys.
I say go for it.
And if you didn't, well, that'd be wiggida wiggida wiggida whack.
- [Chuckles.]
- See how good this feels? If we're not judging each other, then we won't be afraid to be ourselves.
And when we're ourselves, well, that's when we're all cool.
[Applause.]
- ED: Yeah.
- What are you doing? Oh.
Take five, my shining beacons of self-expression! [Breathes sharply.]
Hey.
I'm just having an honest rap session with the kids about confidence and acceptance.
I'm calling it "Pillow Talk with CB.
" Probably gonna get in some trouble with that name.
Okay, your negative energy is really putting a damper on the good vibes we've got going on in here.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
You can't change what middle school is.
You're setting up these kids to fail.
You know what? This is a no judgment zone.
So I'm gonna go ahead aaaannnnnd [Door closes.]
While CB and I didn't see things the same way, Principal Glascott was trying to see anything in the latest '90s art craze.
- Dolphins.
Not my favorite.
- What? I've been staring at this Magic Eye poster for like an hour! So, Granger's out there, asked me to move a bunch of sculptures for X-Day.
I thought you were gonna tell him it was canceled? Of course I told him! You think I wouldn't tell him? Okay, I didn't tell him.
What? You've gotta shut this nonsense down! I tried.
X-Day means the world to him! He also painted me looking very glamorous.
Strangely, I have no follow-up questions to that.
What kinda soulless monster would rip away something that he loves so dearly? You want me to do it? Oh, would you? Hold my fruit.
What Glascott couldn't find a way to do, Mellor did with ease.
Glascott watched as Coach, without hesitation or emotion, canceled the arts festival, ridding the faculty of the burdensome workload.
It's done.
How'd you do that? I'm a coach I break bad news all the time.
Just this morning, I had to tell Jimmy Covle that he can't play basketball until his grades come up.
- That must have been hard.
- Not really.
The kid moves down the court like an ocean liner.
And I take pride in knowing that my tough words have made him stronger.
Huh.
You know, I've got more bad news for the faculty that I've been putting off because of my crippling fear of confrontation - You want me to be your muscle? - Very much so.
- Done.
What do you need? - Just this.
Let's get to work.
[Laughs.]
Yeah! Finally, Principal Glascott had a way to deliver bad news to his staff.
Personal phone calls? Never.
Dangerous explosive chemistry experiments? Unh-unh.
And stinky whitefish salad in the teacher's lounge? Don't even think about it.
[Sighs.]
Thanks again, Rick.
I really owe you one.
Ah, don't mention it.
We're friends.
Friends do things for each other.
They sure do.
[Chuckles.]
Just like I know you, my friend, would do things for me.
Absolutely.
Was there something you had in mind, or? Oh.
Well, since you're asking I would really love to get my ropes unit back.
You mean the ropes unit where the kids climb up to the ceiling? And hang frighteningly high above the floor? Yeah.
That's the one.
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
Yeah.
The kids love it.
The ones that Earl Ball canceled because of our skyrocketing insurance premiums? Of course.
Consider it done.
Ha! Ah, my happiness has soared to heights higher than any man could climb on a rope.
Glascott discovered that handing off his responsibilities came with a cost, while I was ready to teach that CB's optimistic life lessons came with too high a price.
Who here has taken Mr.
Brown's unfortunately-titled "Pillow Talk" class? That's what I thought.
Which is why today's music theory class will be dedicated to unlearning all the crap he's put in your heads.
Mr.
Brown is setting you up for a life of pain.
You can all pretend you're not gonna judge each other all you want, but social acceptance does not exist in middle school.
But CB said that by creating a safe space we'd all learn to set our judgments free.
Well, CB's a tool.
Allow me to illustrate my point.
What's your favorite band? Pearl Jam.
You, favorite band.
- Hanson? - [Hushed laughter.]
See? Hanson is lame therefore, Bobby is lame for liking them.
Bobby is lame! But it's not his fault.
CB is tricking him and all of you into thinking you can share who you really are.
I-I changed my mind.
- I like Pearl Jam.
- There you go, Bobby.
CB's advice might have worked for an hour in a class full of pillows, but it doesn't fly in the real world.
Teach us everything you know! Buckle up.
Rule one! Keep all opinions to yourself.
Rule two do not hug your parents at school.
Rule three detentions are a badge of honor.
Rule four never use your inhaler.
Pop quiz, hot shot.
You're at a school dance.
For some reason, traditional Irish music comes on.
What do you do? Pretend like I've never heard the music before even though I'm a state champion at Irish dancing? That's right, Debra O'Donohue! Hide your talent! Hide your heritage! Man, we are definitely not doing Kris Kross at X-Day.
No way.
And, remember, in a few years, middle school will be over, and you'll be safe to reveal who you really are.
Hiya.
Uh, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure thing, pal! Why don't you guys recite your new motto? I'll be right back.
ALL: "Keep your head down, blend in, trust no one.
" What are you doing? I'm undoing all the damage you did to these kids.
You can't undo pillow talk! Oh, I'm undoing it hard.
Well, then, tomorrow, I'm just gonna undo - your undoing of my doing! - Go ahead! I'll just undo your undoing of my undoing of your doing! It is so on.
Bring it, pillow boy.
With Mellor now doing his dirty work, Glascott found that he had more time to focus on other important things.
That's the most majestic pack of dolphins I've ever seen.
Ugh, all I see is madness! Forget it! So, what brings you in today, Earl? I got this memo about bringing the ropes unit back to Phys Ed.
What? Oh, no, you don't have to worry about that memo.
The ropes aren't happening? Oh, no, they are, you just weren't supposed to get the memo.
This is unacceptable! I got rid of the ropes for a reason, John! I know that the ropes are problematic, but they just mean so much to Coach Mellor.
Every time he looks up into the rafters and doesn't see children dangling, a little piece of him dies.
You have a plaque on your desk, and on that plaque is etched the word "Principal.
" Now, do you Where is it? I just thought it set me apart from people in a rigid hierarchy, so I put it in my drawer.
This is exactly what I'm talking about! You are not their friend anymore, John.
You are their boss! Okay, okay.
I hear you.
So I want you to march yourself down to Mellor's office and you tell that man, "No ropes!" I will definitely do that.
But he definitely could not.
So, instead Your ropes are dunzo.
- What? - The ropes have been canceled.
So you can take these back to wherever you get comically giant ropes from.
What are you talking about? Glascott approved these ropes.
Well, they've been un-approved.
Why wouldn't he come down here and tell me himsel Wait a minute.
Are you the new muscle? I don't know what you're talking about.
John sent you down here to break the bad news, didn't he? - Mnh-mnh.
- Yeah, well, let me tell you something there's only one muscle in John Glascott's body and his name is Rick Mellor! Okay, yes, I'm the new muscle.
But I only accepted the position because he promised me something in return.
- What? - A giant abacus.
- A what?! - Oh, my God.
An abacus is an ancient calculating device I know what an abacus is, but why a giant one? The Sumerians designed the abacus to be hand-held that was the whole idea! Yeah, but a giant abacus would have to be operated by two students.
They'd learn together! Two minds working as one in math harmony! [Laughs.]
Yeah, well, I wouldn't get my hopes up.
'Cause if there's one thing John is better at than making deals, it's welching on 'em.
John made me a promise.
I know he'll come through.
- Liz? - Yeah? Hey, can I talk to you about your giant abacus for a minute? Heads up it's not gonna be good news.
[Sighs.]
I'm gonna keep this up there.
Thought you might like to know I just had one of the best pillow talks with my kids.
- Still calling it that, huh? - I'm dug in now.
Well, you should probably just, uh, shut it down 'cause my hard talks have been very effective.
- Miss Lewis.
- Hey, Bobby, what's up? After your advice yesterday, I've decided not to perform a monologue from "Dr.
Quinn Medicine Woman" - at the talent show.
- Smart call.
Honestly, if you've already memorized it, you could always just perform it for your grandparents.
I mean, old people love mid-19th century medical dramas.
See? Crisis averted.
Okay maybe that would've been a disaster.
- Hey, Miss Lewis! - Hey, Debbie, what's up? Great news! I dropped out of the debate club.
- What is that now? - I realized that any argument I make can be used as ammo against me.
So I quit! Now I'm just gonna hang out in the woods after school.
Okay, so one kid takes my advice too far and quits something - Actually, the whole team quit.
- Oh, no And Ben Fuller dropped out of the marching band Oh, no.
Sarah Mitchell canceled her birthday party Oh, no.
and Jared Lyon has completely stop talking! Thanks! - What have you done? - I don't know! I-I didn't mean for them to quit everything! Well, they did! Look, I know that you're trying to help these kids, but you literally did the opposite.
My idea to help the kids had completely backfired - [Whistling.]
- while Principal Glascott's plan to use the teachers to deliver tough news was about to catch up with him.
Oh, no.
All my muscles united against me.
Run, John, run! Why did you buy a keychain with a tennis ball on it?! Why, John?! [Grunts.]
- Ah! - Going somewhere, John? Nowhere in particular.
Just home to, you know, read my Bible.
We're onto you! Manipulating us, making promises, breaking promises.
We want our stuff back! Okay, look, I'll admit I used you guys to do some of my dirty work.
But I only did it because you're my friends and I didn't want to upset you! No, you just act like Mr.
Nice Guy, when, in fact, all you do is lie to us! That's right.
But you know who does do that? - A coward.
- Excuse me? - You heard him.
- Coward? Here's a coward! None of you get anything! Not your ropes! Not your abacus! Not the whatever you were asking for, Coop! Honestly, I wasn't even listening! - What? - What about X-Day? Oh, you mean the thing that started this mess? [Chuckling.]
Oh, it's back.
I tried to be your friend, but now I'll be your boss.
I hope you're all happy! Oh! What a surprising turn of events.
[Groans.]
Oh, man.
I never should have let the kids drink their Kool-Aid Kool Bursts in here.
Nana's gonna freak.
Hey.
I wanted to let you know Debra's back on the debate team, birthday parties are back on all the kids understand I went too far.
You really did.
But I think you should know why.
["You Got It (The Right Stuff)" plays.]
ERICA & LAINEY: The right stuff.
Why are you so stiff? I used to wear a back brace for my Scoliosis.
Kinda made it hard to dance.
- [Children booing.]
- Love the way you turn me on The rest of the year, we had to eat lunch - in the nurse's office.
- Wow.
I knew that you were teased about New Kids on the Block, but I didn't know you deserved it so much.
Look, I never wanted to hold the kids back.
I just didn't want to see them get hurt like I did.
- All that I needed was you - BOY: Get off the stage! - Oh, no.
- What? Remember how you talked Aaron and Ed out of doing the Kris Kross performance, then I talked them back into it, and then you talked them - back out of it? - Yeah Well, I kinda talked them back into it.
- What? Why did you do that? - Because I'm an idiot! And I sugarcoated the inescapable horrors of middle school and I've just ruined two little boys' lives! - Hang on.
We can fix this.
- How? By trying to give Aaron and Ed the middle school win I never had.
LAINEY: Principal Glascott had finally asserted himself as the teachers' boss and not their friend, pushing them away.
But then he saw the answer to his leadership dilemma right in front of him.
Oh, my God! Dolphins! I see it! I finally see it! [Indistinct conversations.]
Hey, guys! I need to talk to you.
Oh, no.
Talk to the hands.
Everything that I need to tell you is in this Magic Eye Poster.
I just see a bunch of squiggly lines.
You see the dolphins? They're jumping through the hoop of fire? - Hoop of fire? - Why? Because they have a good leader who's guiding them.
It's a hidden image you gotta focus your eyes and then unfocus 'em.
- Cross your eyes.
- Just listen! - Just a little bit.
- Okay.
- And then un-cross them.
- Guys, listen.
Now you're just looking down at your nose.
- Guys, please.
- God, I'm doing my best, Randy! Forget about the poster.
Damn it, John, we're invested now! We want Liz to see what we see! - Thank you.
- Look, guys, I haven't handled the past few days very well, and I want to apologize.
- Okay.
- Going from being your co-worker to being your boss hasn't been easy.
You guys are my friends, and I really hate disappointing you.
But you need a strong principal who can make tough decisions.
And, look, I can't give you everything that you want, but I can treat you with respect.
Rick, I'll let you have your ropes, but you have to add additional safety measures.
And, Liz, a giant abacus makes very little sense, no matter how I slice it, but how about a dedicated computer for the math department instead? I can get behind that.
And, Coop, you wanted? Reimbursement for the tortillamaking materials - that I bought for my students.
- Oh, that's super easy.
Probably didn't even need to put in a special request.
So, what do you say, guys? Even though I'm the principal now, - can we still be friends? - You got it, John.
- Great.
- Holy [bleep.]
, I see it now! You guys, that's beautiful! It's like a 3D image - Right.
- like a Genesis video.
While Glascott finally worked it out with the teachers, Aaron and Ed were about to put themselves out there in front of a bunch of judgmental teenagers.
William Penn Academy! Are you ready to BOTH: Juuuuuuuummmmmmpppp! Jump, jump [Lip-syncing.]
You should know, you should know better Kris Kross is not having anything today We can make ya, make ya Jump, jump LAINEY: All the students watched the two boys struggling onstage, and even more confused by CB and my opposite advice, none of them dared show any signs of support.
Jump, jump Daddy Mac will make ya Jump, jump Kris Kross will make ya Jump, jump LAINEY: Fortunately, a couple of teachers finally decided to work together to make things right.
I'm the Mac, and I'm bad Give you something that you never had How high? Real high, 'cause I'm just so fly LAINEY: With our help, we turned those two into the miggidy miggidy Mac Daddies and got the whole school jumping.
'Cause inside out, it's wiggida wiggida wiggida whack Jump, jump And Daddy Mac will make ya Jump, jump Kris Kross will make ya Jump, jump And Daddy Mac will make ya There's no denying middle school can be a challenging and turbulent chapter that can seem almost impossible to make it through.
But that's where teachers come in.
They let the kids know that they're all in it together and help create special moments and memories that they will cherish forever.
This is the best X-Day ever! Uh-huh, uh-huh Jump, jump Hi, everybody.
I'm Greg Proops.
I play Mr.
Granger.
And this is Mr.
Granger.
All right, I have to ask you this one.
- [Chuckles.]
- The mustache is your calling card.
Why the mustache? Well, I've had it so long, I've had it since I was 18, never cut off, and it kept growing.
It's much shorter today than it was then, but I've always had it.
And then, when I considered cutting it off, I thought, "Oh, my gosh, what will people think? - They won't know me.
" - [Laughs.]
Sorry.
That's really true.
So, tell me a little bit about X-Day.
How did it start? So, X-Day stands for "Experimental Day," and so everybody was involved.
You never could predict the outcome.
How do you feel about being portrayed on television? Well, I think your energy and your character is absolutely right.
It's It's right for that vintage, yeah.
It was that long in the '90s.