Schooled (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Lainey and Erica's High School Reunion
1 High school friendships are some of the most meaningful of our lives.
And before Facebook or Instagram, one of the only ways to check in with your classmates was the high school reunion.
Holy crap, it's you! Holy crap, it's you, too! Holy crap! - Oh.
- Aah! Oh, man! I have six days until Nana does my laundry.
That's basically everything I need to know about him.
And you must be the infamous Erica Goldberg.
And you must be the infamous Bobby McNnnnnope? I have no idea who you are.
See, I don't know what goes on around here, because Lainey never returns my calls.
Well, what is there to say? Kids hold clarinets and stare at me blankly.
- Boom! You're caught up.
- Come on, I miss you! And look at you all teachered up, hanging in the teachers' lounge, crushing it teacher style! Aw, you're such a sweet friend, pretending my life isn't a hot sack of disappointment.
Whoa, hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
I mean, it's not like my life is any better.
But what about you and Geoff? Don't get me started.
Wow.
This got real sad real fast.
Hey, hey, hey! There they are! Back together and raising hell! So, reunion time.
Pretty exciting, huh? - Absolutely not.
- Dear God, no.
I just went to my 30th, and everyone looked great.
I mean, Jesus has taken most of the cheerleaders up to Heaven, but I had fun! Sounds like a blast, but me and Erica were planning to ditch the whole thing and go to Buckets.
Oh, no! But we just secured a banquet room at Stazi Milano's! It's an Italian restaurant built into the Jenkintown train station.
It's fancy because you can see trains go by.
Sharing fried squid with a bunch of high school nerds? - No, thank you.
- I'll have you know some of those nerds have done very well for themselves.
Matt Schernecke is a partner in an investment fund.
Wow.
Think of the stories he has.
- Oh.
- Forget that drip! There's only one human man attending this reunion who really matters, and that's Rubén Amaro Jr.
, who led the Phillies to the World Series.
Big deal.
They lost.
I mean, I could lose the World Series.
Also, hi, Coach Mellor.
Hi, Girl Goldberg.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah, the magic of the teachers' lounge has worn off quite quickly.
But holy crap, we're back together again! - I know! - Dude! Holy crap! - It's so good.
- Aah! One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was March 13th, 1990-something, and Coach was with the baseball team doing his favorite thing on the planet scouting the opposition.
Kid loves to crowd the plate, so don't be afraid to make him chase your slider, Weasel.
Next up! What? What's a picture of me and baseball superstar Rubén Amaro Jr.
doing on the game slides? You actually know him? Know him? You're looking at his mentor and number-one influence.
Coincidentally, he's gonna be here for the class reunion if anybody wants to verify said influence.
Cool.
Next up! What the another photo of Rubén Amaro Jr.
and his lifelong mentor, this time winning district? Coach Mellor couldn't be prouder that his protégé went on to the bigs.
And with Rubén back for the reunion, he was ready to relive the glory days.
Oh, Rubén! Coach Mellor.
- How you doing, pal? - Hey.
Wow, I wasn't expecting to see you so early! I thought I'd pop by before the reunion, check out the ol' stomping grounds.
I bet it's nothing compared to the bigs, my man.
Hey, I had a lot of help getting there.
You hear that, Ed Morris? Phillies outfielder Rubén Amaro Jr.
said I'm the only reason he made it to the big leagues.
Actually, what he said was All right, buzz off and go learn something.
Kids.
Listen, if there's anything you need while you're here, I'm your man.
- Rubén's Cube! - J-Glass! That's a very elaborate greeting for two total strangers.
Hey, I caught the big game last week.
That was very neat.
Neat? How do you know baseball's neat, and how do you know Rubén? I was his guidance counselor.
Oh, that's putting it lightly.
I would've never made it out of this place if it wasn't for this guy's help.
Well, anything to help with the pressure.
Pressure?! Rubén Amaro Jr.
does not feel pressure.
He turns pressure into dingers.
Ah, same old Coach.
Good to see ya, bub.
Hey, let me show you my office.
Wait, they got tater tots for lunch! I'll save you a spot! Welcome to my office.
Take a seat on the bucket.
That's the good chair.
Dude, I'd kill to have an office.
Or even a bucket.
You know, it's so amazing to know that, years later, your life is a suckfest just as much as mine.
Yeah, it's pretty great.
But also terrible.
I mean, all I wanted was to show up to my reunion in a helicopter as a rock diva or at the very least the sixth member of the Spice Girls.
Dude, that's my reunion dream.
Wait a minute.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes! Wait, no.
I'm out of practice at scheming with you.
Fill me in.
My plan was all laid out in the '90s hit movie "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.
" You and me are gonna "Romy and Michele" our reunion.
- You in? - Probably.
I haven't seen it yet, but it looks very broad.
It's about two ladies who pretend to be millionaire inventors of Post-it Notes and totally have the reunion of a lifetime.
Question.
Doesn't their entire plan fall apart when they're quickly outed as the actual losers they are? That's only 'cause they're super dumb, but we're crazy smart.
The smartest.
Also, why is this dude here? Yeah, why are you here, dude? This is my classroom.
You guys just barged in and started playing a movie while I was grading tests.
That's on you for always hogging the A/V equipment 'cause you're such a giant goobus.
Lainey, you don't need to "Romy and Michele" anything, okay? Despite your many flaws, you're doing shockingly well here.
Look! You were voted Teacher of the Month! The kids only voted for me 'cause I bribed them to behave with Skittles.
Doesn't matter, because it's a giant honor.
You should be proud.
Yeah, I'm sure everyone at the reunion will applaud me as I step off my helicopter as Teacher of the Month Spice.
She totally just burned you, dude.
Have fun with your lies.
We will! G-Scott! You got a minute? Actually, it's J-Glass.
But sure, what's on your mind? I just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page.
- Okay.
- This photo right here now, that's Rubén winning state.
Now, you see who's standing next to him celebrating? Well, that's you, but look who he's pointing to in the stands.
Okay, well, uh How about that photo right there? See, now, that's Rubén Amaro Jr.
thanking me personally at the Pennsylvania regional sports awards banquet.
Oh, the banquet where he won that which he gave to me as a reminder of our mentor-mentee relationship? Well, I taught him how to throw a ball.
- Did you do that? - Oh, I could never do that.
I just taught him how to conquer his anxiety and fears, freeing him to become the best self he could be.
Don't dodge the question, John.
I see what's happening here.
Rick, this is not a competition.
You definitely had an impact on Rubén's life, even if my impact was bigger and way more meaningful.
Bigger and more meaningful impact? I got him to the major leagues! We all know that Rubén values Coach over everybody else.
Hey, J-Glass! Thought we could grab a bite before I go.
They got tots in the cafeteria.
I told you about tots.
Huh? You guys enjoy your lunch.
I, uh I have a whole baseball team waiting to bring me delicious sides.
A lot better than tots.
We got tater skins, onion rings.
We even have mozzarella sticks today, so Whoo-hoo to you guys.
Coach may have been in a bad place, but Erica and I were in familiar territory.
God, it is so weird to be back here.
I mean, it's like the exact same since you moved out.
Even though I'm gone, my mom still comes in here to clean and pry and sniff my pillow.
Well, the good news is, tonight, we become golden gods.
What's all this? The new you.
I've created intricate dossiers for our wealthy and flourishing lives.
It's so detailed! See, Romy and Michele blew it because they didn't put in the work.
I live on a vineyard in the south of France, and I'm married to a Count? Oh, my God.
That makes me a Countess.
- Royalty.
You deserve it.
- Okay, but wait.
Why is my royal husband not with me for the reunion? Oh.
He died mysteriously of "bedroom pleasures.
" - Too braggy? - I'm good with it.
All right, now tell me about your new self.
I am Lainey Lewis-Stamos, a semi-retired, globe-trotting riverboat gambler and face model.
I also live on a secluded island fortress.
Yeah, maybe we just stick with generic businesswoman.
Yeah, probably more buyable.
But if we want to be rich business ladies, what do we do? Like, Romy and Michele said they invented Post-its.
- What's our thing? - What if we own Blockbuster Video? No.
That's a franchise licensed to an individual party, which means at max, we could only own a small handful.
- Wow.
How do you know that? - I used to work at Blockbuster - when I was trying to make it in L.
A.
- Corporate? I more rewound the adult videos.
- Aw, Lain.
- No, don't you pity me! I'm married to Stamos! Well, not if we don't come up with a convincing way we got rich.
- Gak! - I know.
It's so hard.
No, Gak! I confiscate it all the time.
I can't explain it.
It's like this weird slimy toy-thing.
Wait.
Toy-thing? Told ya.
If it's a toy, my nerd brother has it.
Isn't he, like, in his 20s now and almost married? - Yup.
- And still with the toys? It's a problem.
Not for us.
We're going to that reunion as Gak-zillionaires.
- We're so good for each other.
- We really are.
After learning he didn't have the impact he thought he had on his former superstar, Coach was eager to step it up with his current players.
All right.
Good practice.
Take a seat, boys.
Coach has got something important to discuss.
Too much horseplay and grab-ass out there, Coach? For sure, Weasel.
But that's not it.
Today, your coach and greatest influence wants to take this time to really dig in and help you all.
To stop all the horseplay? - Nope.
- Oh, to stop all the grab-ass.
No! Let's get real! Lay it on me! Tell me what you're dealing with! Guess I could use some pointers to improve my curve.
No, not baseball problems.
Real problems! You mean like my batting stance? No, I mean deep, personal issues that are weighing you down! Like a batting helmet? How difficult is this to understand? Somebody here open up to me or you're all running laps! Weasel, go! I guess my parents are going through this, like, really bad break-up, and I just feel like it's all my fault.
Okay! Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna pretend none of this was said.
And give me some frog squats! Move it! Coach failed to make a deeper impact on his players, but I knew Erica and my fake business was sure to succeed.
Hey.
How you holding up about the whole reunion thing? Good, now that I'm the millionaire inventor of this.
As we say in the business, once you go Gak, you never go back.
First of all, never say that.
And I'm talking about how they moved the reunion.
- Moved what now? - You do know it just got moved into our gym, right? Here? Where I work and also went to school? - How did this happen? - Whoever was supposed to put down the restaurant deposit screwed up.
- What did they do? - They didn't put down the deposit.
Okay.
We can still "Romy and Michele" this reunion, even though my name and face is everywhere.
How? We just got to scrub my entire existence from this school - in the next two hours.
- "We"? Please.
Just go around and destroy any evidence that shows I'm just a jackass who works here.
You do know how incredibly offensive everything you're saying is, right? Just do it! Scrub, scrub, scrub! Go! Like right now? Should have gone with Blockbuster.
Oh, God, no! Lainey Lewis? Evy Silver.
My favorite gossip and yenta.
Oh, you're sweet.
Man, I really wish we had a chance to eat ravioli six feet away from a moving train.
Yeah.
Me too.
But someone on the planning committee didn't give the restaurant our check.
It's not my fault Atlantic City's on the way to Jenkintown.
Carla? I didn't know you were coming.
After four years at Yale, figured hey, why not? - You went to Yale? - Sorry.
In Mexico, they say "Yale" instead of "jail.
" - That checks out.
- So if you're not here to help us decorate, why exactly are you here? Oh, I was just dropping by.
Caught an early flight in from the the tropics of paradise.
"Tropics of Paradise"? Yeah, it's a fancy island.
It's for the elite.
Which is what I am, 'cause I invented Gak with Erica Goldberg.
Wow.
That is unbelievable.
Yeah, for sure.
No, I mean it's unbelievable that you're "Romy and Michele"-ing the reunion.
I don't know who those people are.
- I've never seen that movie.
- Just stop.
Your Teacher of the Month photo is everywhere.
Damn it, CB! You were supposed to scrub me from existence! I'm going as fast as I can.
They hung it up in every classroom, 'cause it's a huge honor.
Okay, fine.
I work here and may have planned a slight "Romy and Michele.
" That is so sad.
- And I want in.
- Me too.
Why? I mean, I get why for Carla, but I assumed you were doing great.
Every guy I date breaks up with me.
They say I'm too bossy.
Can you believe it? I said, "Can you believe it?!" - I cannot believe it.
- Look, you can't do a "Romy and Michele" with four people.
It doesn't work that way.
We'll just say we're Gak barons, too.
We can't all invent Gak! Get your own thing to invent! - Post-it Notes.
- No! That's from the movie.
They'll all know what we're doing.
Just let us join your robbery! Or whatever you're planning.
Fine! We're doing a double "Romy and Michele.
" Yay! I can't wait to change my name again.
Here we go, ladies.
Four super successful businesswomen about to crush their high school reunion.
What could go wrong? Oh, there's my other all-star, Lainey Lewis.
Lainey, come over here! Crap, that unraveled fast.
Don't worry.
I prepared for this.
Hey, guys.
Long time no see.
That's funny.
Lainey's famous around here for I invented Gak.
- What's that now? - Gak attack! Oh.
It looks so wet, but it's so dry.
See you at the next reunion.
Good luck with baseballing, Rubén.
Well played.
Little did we know, we were not the only ones pulling a "Romy and Michele.
" Guys! Somebody just arrived in a helicopter! They must be some big fancy pants now! What's up, smokers and jokers? Johnny Atkins has helly-copter moneeey! Oh, my God, he's so rich! Why did I ever break up with him?! 'Cause he cheated on you, like, 16 times.
Did you not hear me? I said he's rich.
Bet you're all wondering how this small-town Rush fan got his own personal Airwolf.
Boom! I made millions of dollars inventing these puppies.
Post-it Notes? Isn't that from "Romy and Michele"? Out of curiosity, how many of you saw that movie? Damn it! I wasted a year's salary renting this Whirlybird! The reunion was making a lot of us act crazy, and it wasn't just the students.
- Rubén! - Sup, Coach? I'll tell you sup.
Glascott here's not the only one who guided and mentored you.
- I had a hand in it, too.
- Don't do this.
It's time for you to choose which one of us meant the most to you your entire life.
Don't do this! You can only have one mentor at this school, so you pick right now.
You don't have to pick, Rubén.
Ha.
That's because you know it's me.
I'm a legend to this kid and his family.
So tell him, Rubén Amaro Jr.
, son of Rubén Amaro Sr.
and is it, uh, Rubina? It's Judy.
You're really gonna make me choose? I pick Mr.
Glascott.
I get it.
You don't want to embarrass him in front of his former students.
You're a kind man, Rubén A.
Jr.
Rick, wait.
Okay, clearly you're hurting here.
Why don't we just take a minute to talk? That kid was my greatest accomplishment, the thing I pointed to the most.
And now I got nothing.
Rick, you still matter to him.
Not like you do.
You know, teaching gym and coaching ball doesn't make me rich or famous or even respected.
But that was okay, because I felt like I was making a real difference.
And I learned I didn't.
Just makes me feel like none of it was worth it.
As the night continued, Erica and I were actually getting away with "Romy and Michele" -ing our reunion.
Wow, I can't believe you live in the south of France.
And here I thought flying in from South Pasadena was exotic.
Oh, you want exotic? Lainey spent a whole month summering at my vineyard with her lover, Jack Stamos.
That's John Stamos' brother, which is easier to believe, not that you wouldn't think any of this is a lie 'cause it all sounds just true enough.
- Maybe stop with the champagne.
- Copy that.
Hope everyone is having fun at this lil' shindig I planned.
Oh, him? This is Charlie, my doting husband.
Husband? Wow.
I just assumed you'd be married to your job, Evy.
No.
Gak sells itself.
Well, then.
Congrats on your recent marriage.
- What are you doing? - Thank you, ma'am.
She said she'd rat you out if I didn't play along.
Fair enough.
Careful, Lainey.
He's taken.
Oh, there's so much tongue - in front of so many people, sweetheart.
- Well Okay.
Well, nice catching up with everyone.
Yeah, we'll, uh, circle back next reunion.
Cool.
Tell Geoff I say "hi.
" - Oh, Erica's not with Geoff anymore.
- Yeah, sure she is.
My company sold his office two back-up generators.
Nah, that doesn't sound right.
Wait, don't you two live in Norfolk? - Do we, though? - Yeah.
When I closed the deal, Geoff invited us out on the boat.
I hear you're learning to sail.
- Sail? - Uh, sell Gak.
We make and sell Gak.
Let's get back to Gak talk.
I think we need to talk.
You and Geoff are still together, and you have a friggin' sailboat? - I mean, what? - It's really more of a catamaran.
When I brought up Geoff, you said, "Don't get me started!" And I didn't start.
'Cause if I did, I would've said he's my special treasure.
That's it.
You're no longer a member of the Gak Pack.
- What? - You're fired.
I'll run the company on my own.
But we built that imaginary business together! Well, that's what you get for lying and being such a jerk 'cause your life rocks.
Of course I lied! I didn't want to make you feel bad.
I'm sorry I'm such a pity case.
You're supposed to be my best friend and be honest with me.
Yeah, some best friend.
I haven't talked to you in forever, Lainey.
I call you all the time, but you never call me back.
That's because I have nothing to say.
Look around.
This is my life now.
All my big talk about taking over the world just led me back here.
The best thing I have going for me is I invented Gak, and I didn't even do that.
Hang on.
I know you're desperate to be a Spice Girl or a rock star, but you can't even see that you already are.
What are you talking about? Lainey, look.
Your picture is everywhere.
- Damn it, CB! - My point is, you are a rock star to this school, to these kids and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
You're such a good best friend.
Always will be.
Good night, ladies.
Enjoy the reunion.
You're going already? We didn't even get to talk.
Like you want to talk to me? - Of course I do.
- Come on.
Dude, you're like a legend in my family.
Barry still tells people you made him the greatest athlete at every sport ever.
Well, I did give him confidence.
Maybe too much.
And Adam remembers you so much that he wrote you and your tiny little shorts into his script.
Goldfarb.
Good kid.
That's not all, Rick.
You never took crap from me and Erica either.
Yeah.
Out of all the teachers, you're the one who set us straight.
Wow.
I didn't realize that the ones - I helped the most were, uh - Geeks and delinquents? You did.
So thank you.
No.
Thank you, Girl Goldberg.
I'll see you back in there.
Well, are you ready to introduce everyone to Lainey Lewis, rock star teacher? Yes.
Although it really would've been great to be a Spice Girl.
- Well, maybe we can be.
- Go on.
Do you have a key to the costume department? Oh, man, I wish.
I do.
I got keys to everything student lockers, teacher offices, teacher homes.
Forget that last one.
Working here kicks ass.
It kind of does, Johnny Atkins.
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want - I call Crazy Spice! - I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Here, honey.
Hold my purse.
I wanna really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig-ah If you want my future, forget my past If you wanna get with me, better make it fast Now don't go wasting my precious time Get your act together, we could be just fine I owe you an apology, John.
It's not necessary.
No, it is.
I went overboard.
- With Rubén back, I just got carried away.
- If you wanna be my lover - The point is he's lucky to have you.
- You got to get with my friends - Well, I think he's lucky to have you, too.
- Make it last forever - Friendship never ends - All these kids are.
If you wanna be my lover The people we go through high school with, both teachers and students, are very special in our lives.
But that's the way it is They not only help to make great memories, they all play a part in creating who we grow up to be.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want - I wanna, I wanna, I wanna - Whoo! - I wanna really wanna zig-a-zig-ah - Now this is a reunion.
And, if we're really lucky, we keep the ones who are most important close to us to continue to create memories that'll last forever.
Friendship never ends Here I am with a real athlete the Rubén Amaro Jr.
I got to ask you it's kind of a coincidence that Niko Guardado, who plays you, is the son of a major-league baseball player and, by the way, played against you.
According to Niko, you got some hits off his dad.
Niko's dad, Ed we'd call him "Everyday Eddie" Guardado really talented.
I mean, he pitched probably, like, 19 or 20 years in the big leagues.
And a friend of mine said, "Hey, Eddie's son is playing you in that show, 'The Goldbergs.
'" I said, "You're kidding me.
" He And so we ended up finally meeting him in Boston and taking some pictures with him.
Really good kid.
As a guy who had a father who was a baseball fanatic, my my father would have loved to have had a son who was a pro baseball player.
Instead, he's got to settle for a guy who pretends and wears makeup.
And before Facebook or Instagram, one of the only ways to check in with your classmates was the high school reunion.
Holy crap, it's you! Holy crap, it's you, too! Holy crap! - Oh.
- Aah! Oh, man! I have six days until Nana does my laundry.
That's basically everything I need to know about him.
And you must be the infamous Erica Goldberg.
And you must be the infamous Bobby McNnnnnope? I have no idea who you are.
See, I don't know what goes on around here, because Lainey never returns my calls.
Well, what is there to say? Kids hold clarinets and stare at me blankly.
- Boom! You're caught up.
- Come on, I miss you! And look at you all teachered up, hanging in the teachers' lounge, crushing it teacher style! Aw, you're such a sweet friend, pretending my life isn't a hot sack of disappointment.
Whoa, hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
I mean, it's not like my life is any better.
But what about you and Geoff? Don't get me started.
Wow.
This got real sad real fast.
Hey, hey, hey! There they are! Back together and raising hell! So, reunion time.
Pretty exciting, huh? - Absolutely not.
- Dear God, no.
I just went to my 30th, and everyone looked great.
I mean, Jesus has taken most of the cheerleaders up to Heaven, but I had fun! Sounds like a blast, but me and Erica were planning to ditch the whole thing and go to Buckets.
Oh, no! But we just secured a banquet room at Stazi Milano's! It's an Italian restaurant built into the Jenkintown train station.
It's fancy because you can see trains go by.
Sharing fried squid with a bunch of high school nerds? - No, thank you.
- I'll have you know some of those nerds have done very well for themselves.
Matt Schernecke is a partner in an investment fund.
Wow.
Think of the stories he has.
- Oh.
- Forget that drip! There's only one human man attending this reunion who really matters, and that's Rubén Amaro Jr.
, who led the Phillies to the World Series.
Big deal.
They lost.
I mean, I could lose the World Series.
Also, hi, Coach Mellor.
Hi, Girl Goldberg.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah, the magic of the teachers' lounge has worn off quite quickly.
But holy crap, we're back together again! - I know! - Dude! Holy crap! - It's so good.
- Aah! One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was March 13th, 1990-something, and Coach was with the baseball team doing his favorite thing on the planet scouting the opposition.
Kid loves to crowd the plate, so don't be afraid to make him chase your slider, Weasel.
Next up! What? What's a picture of me and baseball superstar Rubén Amaro Jr.
doing on the game slides? You actually know him? Know him? You're looking at his mentor and number-one influence.
Coincidentally, he's gonna be here for the class reunion if anybody wants to verify said influence.
Cool.
Next up! What the another photo of Rubén Amaro Jr.
and his lifelong mentor, this time winning district? Coach Mellor couldn't be prouder that his protégé went on to the bigs.
And with Rubén back for the reunion, he was ready to relive the glory days.
Oh, Rubén! Coach Mellor.
- How you doing, pal? - Hey.
Wow, I wasn't expecting to see you so early! I thought I'd pop by before the reunion, check out the ol' stomping grounds.
I bet it's nothing compared to the bigs, my man.
Hey, I had a lot of help getting there.
You hear that, Ed Morris? Phillies outfielder Rubén Amaro Jr.
said I'm the only reason he made it to the big leagues.
Actually, what he said was All right, buzz off and go learn something.
Kids.
Listen, if there's anything you need while you're here, I'm your man.
- Rubén's Cube! - J-Glass! That's a very elaborate greeting for two total strangers.
Hey, I caught the big game last week.
That was very neat.
Neat? How do you know baseball's neat, and how do you know Rubén? I was his guidance counselor.
Oh, that's putting it lightly.
I would've never made it out of this place if it wasn't for this guy's help.
Well, anything to help with the pressure.
Pressure?! Rubén Amaro Jr.
does not feel pressure.
He turns pressure into dingers.
Ah, same old Coach.
Good to see ya, bub.
Hey, let me show you my office.
Wait, they got tater tots for lunch! I'll save you a spot! Welcome to my office.
Take a seat on the bucket.
That's the good chair.
Dude, I'd kill to have an office.
Or even a bucket.
You know, it's so amazing to know that, years later, your life is a suckfest just as much as mine.
Yeah, it's pretty great.
But also terrible.
I mean, all I wanted was to show up to my reunion in a helicopter as a rock diva or at the very least the sixth member of the Spice Girls.
Dude, that's my reunion dream.
Wait a minute.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes! Wait, no.
I'm out of practice at scheming with you.
Fill me in.
My plan was all laid out in the '90s hit movie "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.
" You and me are gonna "Romy and Michele" our reunion.
- You in? - Probably.
I haven't seen it yet, but it looks very broad.
It's about two ladies who pretend to be millionaire inventors of Post-it Notes and totally have the reunion of a lifetime.
Question.
Doesn't their entire plan fall apart when they're quickly outed as the actual losers they are? That's only 'cause they're super dumb, but we're crazy smart.
The smartest.
Also, why is this dude here? Yeah, why are you here, dude? This is my classroom.
You guys just barged in and started playing a movie while I was grading tests.
That's on you for always hogging the A/V equipment 'cause you're such a giant goobus.
Lainey, you don't need to "Romy and Michele" anything, okay? Despite your many flaws, you're doing shockingly well here.
Look! You were voted Teacher of the Month! The kids only voted for me 'cause I bribed them to behave with Skittles.
Doesn't matter, because it's a giant honor.
You should be proud.
Yeah, I'm sure everyone at the reunion will applaud me as I step off my helicopter as Teacher of the Month Spice.
She totally just burned you, dude.
Have fun with your lies.
We will! G-Scott! You got a minute? Actually, it's J-Glass.
But sure, what's on your mind? I just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page.
- Okay.
- This photo right here now, that's Rubén winning state.
Now, you see who's standing next to him celebrating? Well, that's you, but look who he's pointing to in the stands.
Okay, well, uh How about that photo right there? See, now, that's Rubén Amaro Jr.
thanking me personally at the Pennsylvania regional sports awards banquet.
Oh, the banquet where he won that which he gave to me as a reminder of our mentor-mentee relationship? Well, I taught him how to throw a ball.
- Did you do that? - Oh, I could never do that.
I just taught him how to conquer his anxiety and fears, freeing him to become the best self he could be.
Don't dodge the question, John.
I see what's happening here.
Rick, this is not a competition.
You definitely had an impact on Rubén's life, even if my impact was bigger and way more meaningful.
Bigger and more meaningful impact? I got him to the major leagues! We all know that Rubén values Coach over everybody else.
Hey, J-Glass! Thought we could grab a bite before I go.
They got tots in the cafeteria.
I told you about tots.
Huh? You guys enjoy your lunch.
I, uh I have a whole baseball team waiting to bring me delicious sides.
A lot better than tots.
We got tater skins, onion rings.
We even have mozzarella sticks today, so Whoo-hoo to you guys.
Coach may have been in a bad place, but Erica and I were in familiar territory.
God, it is so weird to be back here.
I mean, it's like the exact same since you moved out.
Even though I'm gone, my mom still comes in here to clean and pry and sniff my pillow.
Well, the good news is, tonight, we become golden gods.
What's all this? The new you.
I've created intricate dossiers for our wealthy and flourishing lives.
It's so detailed! See, Romy and Michele blew it because they didn't put in the work.
I live on a vineyard in the south of France, and I'm married to a Count? Oh, my God.
That makes me a Countess.
- Royalty.
You deserve it.
- Okay, but wait.
Why is my royal husband not with me for the reunion? Oh.
He died mysteriously of "bedroom pleasures.
" - Too braggy? - I'm good with it.
All right, now tell me about your new self.
I am Lainey Lewis-Stamos, a semi-retired, globe-trotting riverboat gambler and face model.
I also live on a secluded island fortress.
Yeah, maybe we just stick with generic businesswoman.
Yeah, probably more buyable.
But if we want to be rich business ladies, what do we do? Like, Romy and Michele said they invented Post-its.
- What's our thing? - What if we own Blockbuster Video? No.
That's a franchise licensed to an individual party, which means at max, we could only own a small handful.
- Wow.
How do you know that? - I used to work at Blockbuster - when I was trying to make it in L.
A.
- Corporate? I more rewound the adult videos.
- Aw, Lain.
- No, don't you pity me! I'm married to Stamos! Well, not if we don't come up with a convincing way we got rich.
- Gak! - I know.
It's so hard.
No, Gak! I confiscate it all the time.
I can't explain it.
It's like this weird slimy toy-thing.
Wait.
Toy-thing? Told ya.
If it's a toy, my nerd brother has it.
Isn't he, like, in his 20s now and almost married? - Yup.
- And still with the toys? It's a problem.
Not for us.
We're going to that reunion as Gak-zillionaires.
- We're so good for each other.
- We really are.
After learning he didn't have the impact he thought he had on his former superstar, Coach was eager to step it up with his current players.
All right.
Good practice.
Take a seat, boys.
Coach has got something important to discuss.
Too much horseplay and grab-ass out there, Coach? For sure, Weasel.
But that's not it.
Today, your coach and greatest influence wants to take this time to really dig in and help you all.
To stop all the horseplay? - Nope.
- Oh, to stop all the grab-ass.
No! Let's get real! Lay it on me! Tell me what you're dealing with! Guess I could use some pointers to improve my curve.
No, not baseball problems.
Real problems! You mean like my batting stance? No, I mean deep, personal issues that are weighing you down! Like a batting helmet? How difficult is this to understand? Somebody here open up to me or you're all running laps! Weasel, go! I guess my parents are going through this, like, really bad break-up, and I just feel like it's all my fault.
Okay! Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna pretend none of this was said.
And give me some frog squats! Move it! Coach failed to make a deeper impact on his players, but I knew Erica and my fake business was sure to succeed.
Hey.
How you holding up about the whole reunion thing? Good, now that I'm the millionaire inventor of this.
As we say in the business, once you go Gak, you never go back.
First of all, never say that.
And I'm talking about how they moved the reunion.
- Moved what now? - You do know it just got moved into our gym, right? Here? Where I work and also went to school? - How did this happen? - Whoever was supposed to put down the restaurant deposit screwed up.
- What did they do? - They didn't put down the deposit.
Okay.
We can still "Romy and Michele" this reunion, even though my name and face is everywhere.
How? We just got to scrub my entire existence from this school - in the next two hours.
- "We"? Please.
Just go around and destroy any evidence that shows I'm just a jackass who works here.
You do know how incredibly offensive everything you're saying is, right? Just do it! Scrub, scrub, scrub! Go! Like right now? Should have gone with Blockbuster.
Oh, God, no! Lainey Lewis? Evy Silver.
My favorite gossip and yenta.
Oh, you're sweet.
Man, I really wish we had a chance to eat ravioli six feet away from a moving train.
Yeah.
Me too.
But someone on the planning committee didn't give the restaurant our check.
It's not my fault Atlantic City's on the way to Jenkintown.
Carla? I didn't know you were coming.
After four years at Yale, figured hey, why not? - You went to Yale? - Sorry.
In Mexico, they say "Yale" instead of "jail.
" - That checks out.
- So if you're not here to help us decorate, why exactly are you here? Oh, I was just dropping by.
Caught an early flight in from the the tropics of paradise.
"Tropics of Paradise"? Yeah, it's a fancy island.
It's for the elite.
Which is what I am, 'cause I invented Gak with Erica Goldberg.
Wow.
That is unbelievable.
Yeah, for sure.
No, I mean it's unbelievable that you're "Romy and Michele"-ing the reunion.
I don't know who those people are.
- I've never seen that movie.
- Just stop.
Your Teacher of the Month photo is everywhere.
Damn it, CB! You were supposed to scrub me from existence! I'm going as fast as I can.
They hung it up in every classroom, 'cause it's a huge honor.
Okay, fine.
I work here and may have planned a slight "Romy and Michele.
" That is so sad.
- And I want in.
- Me too.
Why? I mean, I get why for Carla, but I assumed you were doing great.
Every guy I date breaks up with me.
They say I'm too bossy.
Can you believe it? I said, "Can you believe it?!" - I cannot believe it.
- Look, you can't do a "Romy and Michele" with four people.
It doesn't work that way.
We'll just say we're Gak barons, too.
We can't all invent Gak! Get your own thing to invent! - Post-it Notes.
- No! That's from the movie.
They'll all know what we're doing.
Just let us join your robbery! Or whatever you're planning.
Fine! We're doing a double "Romy and Michele.
" Yay! I can't wait to change my name again.
Here we go, ladies.
Four super successful businesswomen about to crush their high school reunion.
What could go wrong? Oh, there's my other all-star, Lainey Lewis.
Lainey, come over here! Crap, that unraveled fast.
Don't worry.
I prepared for this.
Hey, guys.
Long time no see.
That's funny.
Lainey's famous around here for I invented Gak.
- What's that now? - Gak attack! Oh.
It looks so wet, but it's so dry.
See you at the next reunion.
Good luck with baseballing, Rubén.
Well played.
Little did we know, we were not the only ones pulling a "Romy and Michele.
" Guys! Somebody just arrived in a helicopter! They must be some big fancy pants now! What's up, smokers and jokers? Johnny Atkins has helly-copter moneeey! Oh, my God, he's so rich! Why did I ever break up with him?! 'Cause he cheated on you, like, 16 times.
Did you not hear me? I said he's rich.
Bet you're all wondering how this small-town Rush fan got his own personal Airwolf.
Boom! I made millions of dollars inventing these puppies.
Post-it Notes? Isn't that from "Romy and Michele"? Out of curiosity, how many of you saw that movie? Damn it! I wasted a year's salary renting this Whirlybird! The reunion was making a lot of us act crazy, and it wasn't just the students.
- Rubén! - Sup, Coach? I'll tell you sup.
Glascott here's not the only one who guided and mentored you.
- I had a hand in it, too.
- Don't do this.
It's time for you to choose which one of us meant the most to you your entire life.
Don't do this! You can only have one mentor at this school, so you pick right now.
You don't have to pick, Rubén.
Ha.
That's because you know it's me.
I'm a legend to this kid and his family.
So tell him, Rubén Amaro Jr.
, son of Rubén Amaro Sr.
and is it, uh, Rubina? It's Judy.
You're really gonna make me choose? I pick Mr.
Glascott.
I get it.
You don't want to embarrass him in front of his former students.
You're a kind man, Rubén A.
Jr.
Rick, wait.
Okay, clearly you're hurting here.
Why don't we just take a minute to talk? That kid was my greatest accomplishment, the thing I pointed to the most.
And now I got nothing.
Rick, you still matter to him.
Not like you do.
You know, teaching gym and coaching ball doesn't make me rich or famous or even respected.
But that was okay, because I felt like I was making a real difference.
And I learned I didn't.
Just makes me feel like none of it was worth it.
As the night continued, Erica and I were actually getting away with "Romy and Michele" -ing our reunion.
Wow, I can't believe you live in the south of France.
And here I thought flying in from South Pasadena was exotic.
Oh, you want exotic? Lainey spent a whole month summering at my vineyard with her lover, Jack Stamos.
That's John Stamos' brother, which is easier to believe, not that you wouldn't think any of this is a lie 'cause it all sounds just true enough.
- Maybe stop with the champagne.
- Copy that.
Hope everyone is having fun at this lil' shindig I planned.
Oh, him? This is Charlie, my doting husband.
Husband? Wow.
I just assumed you'd be married to your job, Evy.
No.
Gak sells itself.
Well, then.
Congrats on your recent marriage.
- What are you doing? - Thank you, ma'am.
She said she'd rat you out if I didn't play along.
Fair enough.
Careful, Lainey.
He's taken.
Oh, there's so much tongue - in front of so many people, sweetheart.
- Well Okay.
Well, nice catching up with everyone.
Yeah, we'll, uh, circle back next reunion.
Cool.
Tell Geoff I say "hi.
" - Oh, Erica's not with Geoff anymore.
- Yeah, sure she is.
My company sold his office two back-up generators.
Nah, that doesn't sound right.
Wait, don't you two live in Norfolk? - Do we, though? - Yeah.
When I closed the deal, Geoff invited us out on the boat.
I hear you're learning to sail.
- Sail? - Uh, sell Gak.
We make and sell Gak.
Let's get back to Gak talk.
I think we need to talk.
You and Geoff are still together, and you have a friggin' sailboat? - I mean, what? - It's really more of a catamaran.
When I brought up Geoff, you said, "Don't get me started!" And I didn't start.
'Cause if I did, I would've said he's my special treasure.
That's it.
You're no longer a member of the Gak Pack.
- What? - You're fired.
I'll run the company on my own.
But we built that imaginary business together! Well, that's what you get for lying and being such a jerk 'cause your life rocks.
Of course I lied! I didn't want to make you feel bad.
I'm sorry I'm such a pity case.
You're supposed to be my best friend and be honest with me.
Yeah, some best friend.
I haven't talked to you in forever, Lainey.
I call you all the time, but you never call me back.
That's because I have nothing to say.
Look around.
This is my life now.
All my big talk about taking over the world just led me back here.
The best thing I have going for me is I invented Gak, and I didn't even do that.
Hang on.
I know you're desperate to be a Spice Girl or a rock star, but you can't even see that you already are.
What are you talking about? Lainey, look.
Your picture is everywhere.
- Damn it, CB! - My point is, you are a rock star to this school, to these kids and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
You're such a good best friend.
Always will be.
Good night, ladies.
Enjoy the reunion.
You're going already? We didn't even get to talk.
Like you want to talk to me? - Of course I do.
- Come on.
Dude, you're like a legend in my family.
Barry still tells people you made him the greatest athlete at every sport ever.
Well, I did give him confidence.
Maybe too much.
And Adam remembers you so much that he wrote you and your tiny little shorts into his script.
Goldfarb.
Good kid.
That's not all, Rick.
You never took crap from me and Erica either.
Yeah.
Out of all the teachers, you're the one who set us straight.
Wow.
I didn't realize that the ones - I helped the most were, uh - Geeks and delinquents? You did.
So thank you.
No.
Thank you, Girl Goldberg.
I'll see you back in there.
Well, are you ready to introduce everyone to Lainey Lewis, rock star teacher? Yes.
Although it really would've been great to be a Spice Girl.
- Well, maybe we can be.
- Go on.
Do you have a key to the costume department? Oh, man, I wish.
I do.
I got keys to everything student lockers, teacher offices, teacher homes.
Forget that last one.
Working here kicks ass.
It kind of does, Johnny Atkins.
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want - I call Crazy Spice! - I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Here, honey.
Hold my purse.
I wanna really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig-ah If you want my future, forget my past If you wanna get with me, better make it fast Now don't go wasting my precious time Get your act together, we could be just fine I owe you an apology, John.
It's not necessary.
No, it is.
I went overboard.
- With Rubén back, I just got carried away.
- If you wanna be my lover - The point is he's lucky to have you.
- You got to get with my friends - Well, I think he's lucky to have you, too.
- Make it last forever - Friendship never ends - All these kids are.
If you wanna be my lover The people we go through high school with, both teachers and students, are very special in our lives.
But that's the way it is They not only help to make great memories, they all play a part in creating who we grow up to be.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want - I wanna, I wanna, I wanna - Whoo! - I wanna really wanna zig-a-zig-ah - Now this is a reunion.
And, if we're really lucky, we keep the ones who are most important close to us to continue to create memories that'll last forever.
Friendship never ends Here I am with a real athlete the Rubén Amaro Jr.
I got to ask you it's kind of a coincidence that Niko Guardado, who plays you, is the son of a major-league baseball player and, by the way, played against you.
According to Niko, you got some hits off his dad.
Niko's dad, Ed we'd call him "Everyday Eddie" Guardado really talented.
I mean, he pitched probably, like, 19 or 20 years in the big leagues.
And a friend of mine said, "Hey, Eddie's son is playing you in that show, 'The Goldbergs.
'" I said, "You're kidding me.
" He And so we ended up finally meeting him in Boston and taking some pictures with him.
Really good kid.
As a guy who had a father who was a baseball fanatic, my my father would have loved to have had a son who was a pro baseball player.
Instead, he's got to settle for a guy who pretends and wears makeup.