Schooled (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
Darth Mellor
1 - ["Star Wars (Main Theme)" plays.]
- LAINEY: The '90s had a lot of great movies, but the biggest of them all was part of a phenomenon that spanned decades "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace".
It was the first new "Star Wars" movie in these kids' entire lives.
The "Star Wars" club was ready for it, and it wasn't just the students.
It's here.
After 16 agonizing years, George Lucas will once again bestow his genius upon us! God only knows the things in store he has planned.
I heard Jackie Chan is gonna play Boba Fett.
I heard Chewbacca talks in English! I heard the Ewoks grow into the Wookiees.
Guys, I don't wanna hang too much on a single motion picture, but when this club goes to opening night, it will be the most transformative experience of our collective lives.
Screw my bar mitzvah! Tonight, I become a man! Let's go, people! To Jedi Academy! [Kids cheer.]
[As Obi-Wan Kenobi.]
"You can't win, Darth.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
" [Choking.]
MELLOR: Attention, non-athletes! Time to take your glowing wizard wands and scoot! Okay, they're lightsabers, and we signed out the gym for Star Wars Club.
And as fun as make-em-up-pretend-time looks, my actual athletes need the space, so I'm afraid you gotta clear out.
Cut me some slack, all right? - We're gearing up for "Star Wars".
- "Star Wars"? Is that the one with the pointy-eared know-it-all - with the bowl cut? - No, that's Spock in "Star Trek".
- This is "Star Wars".
- Is that the one where the little guy - pops out of the big guy's chest? - That's "Alien".
- Is it the one with E.
T.
? - No, that's "E.
T.
"! - It's in the title.
- I like E.
T.
He gets drunk and puts on a wig.
"Star Wars" is about a group of ragtag underdogs that stand up to the Empire, and just like those underdogs, we will not be thrown Okay.
Wow.
Your team's carrying out my club like rag dolls.
Clear 'em out, boys! One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was March 20th, 1990-something, and Principal Glascott was teaching Driver's Ed, the first class his niece, Felicia, ever cared about because it meant freedom.
Okay, road warriors, here's a toughie.
Which way do you turn your wheels when parked uphill? - Away from the curb.
- Right.
Exactly how far from the curb should - 18 inches! - Yes.
Thank you.
What speed 25 in a school zone unless otherwise posted! I gotta say, it's scary when you really apply yourself.
Why would I apply myself in those other dumb classes? Who needs math, am I right? Do not return that high-five.
[School bell rings.]
That's the bell! Time for my supervised road time with my instructor! - [Laughs.]
- Okay, pump your brakes, Thelma & Louise.
You'll get your time behind the wheel.
Sorry, I'm just so excited.
And thanks for not making this weird, you being my uncle and all.
Hey, in this class, I am not your uncle.
I'm your teacher.
And I promise to treat you in a fair and reasonable manner.
[Tires screech.]
Okay.
Fail.
You fail.
Get outta the car because of your failure.
- What?! Why?! - You didn't triple check your mirrors, your hands were at 10 and 3, and you almost hit a pedestrian! Who?! I barely moved.
Our school's esteemed custodian! [Shouting.]
I-what-now?! Nothing, Johnny Atkins! I'm so far, I can't hear you! You want me to come over there?! No! Nothing! You're fine! He is lucky to be alive.
Sorry, but there is no way I'm letting you pass this class.
Bye-bye now.
[Keys jostling.]
You said you were my teacher, not my uncle! Yeah, well, I gave it some thought, and I decided to be both.
You are abusing your vast Driver's Ed powers - to hold me back! - Correct.
- You don't trust me at all.
- I'm glad we're in agreement on this.
What have I possibly done to deserve this? Well, let's see, you lie, you use salty language, you miss curfew.
It's not right! You know what's not right? You always acting like my dad when you're not! Okay, that's enough, young lady.
Mark my words, I will find a way to drive, and when I do, I'll make a hundred times the bad decisions.
Yeah? Well, good luck getting around on the city bus.
Gotta say, you really are a great principal but a lousy father figure.
- Excuse me? - I was Felicia, okay? I was raised by a neurotic, overprotective dad, which made me rebel hard.
Is this supposed to be helping? No, but I will help 'cause watching you and Felicia fight day in and day out is very unpleasant.
Well, I appreciate the offer, but I don't need any help.
I can handle her.
Attention William Penn! Did you know our high school principal's middle name is Laverne? Oh, no.
It's gender neutral! [Scattered laughter.]
I'm here when you need me Laverne.
CB, my man! Need a quick favor! No, I'm done helping you.
Wait, is this because I took the gym away - from your Star Battle boys? - Yes.
And just so you know, everybody is on my side about that because "Star Wars" is literally the most popular thing out of anything ever.
- With who? - Everybody! - Coop! - Huh? You excited about the new "Star Wars" movie? Oh, hells yeah! I heard they're gonna make Samuel L.
Jackson a Jedi! He gonna be like, "These are not the [bleep.]
you are looking for!" My point is made.
Everybody loves "Star Wars".
See, we're not the problem.
It's you for being a complete and utter cliché.
Hey, my entire career, I have prided myself on not being a typical meathead gym teacher.
- Seriously? - Yes! I've always been open to new and strange ideas that upset the delicate balance of a-an athlete's rightful place at the top of the social pyramid.
And you undid all your hard work by ruining the one thing that brought these kids together.
Damn it, you're right.
- Wait, what? - A man gets to be wrong once in his life, and this here is it.
Obviously, I was wrong about your Space Wars, so it's time for you to coach Coach.
Well, you could come to the premiere with us, sit back, and let "The Phantom Menace" show you how awesome - "Star Wars" can be.
- Uh-huh.
And what happens when I'm not into it? Look, I am so certain that this movie will change your life that if it isn't transcendent on every level, I will publicly announce that "Star Wars" is just a film and not a way of life.
Wow, I was just hoping you'd pay me back for my ticket, - but let's roll.
- Yeah! As Coach was gearing up to see the new "Star Wars", Glascott was still trying to put the brakes on his clever and rebellious niece.
Felicia, we need to have a conversation right now, missy.
Whatever seems to be the problem, Principal Glascott? It's come to my attention that you joined the Alcohol Task Force.
Well, you say you want me to be more involved in school, right? Oh, so you joining has nothing to do with the fact that they have designated drivers at all times, offering free rides on the weekends? Do they? Huh.
Seems like someone could use that as their own personal taxi service.
I think she's saying it that way 'cause that's what she did all weekend.
- Whose side are you on, Gabe? - Enough.
You can't take advantage of well-intentioned goobs like Gabe! - Nothing personal.
- Oh, it's fine.
I just like spending time with your niece, sir.
Hey, I told you I'd figure out a way to get around without a license.
I'll see you Friday through Saturday, pal.
This time, can I at least come into the parties with you? Sorry, they're a little exclusive.
[Locker shuts.]
Okay, you were right.
Everything that I do with Felicia goes horribly wrong.
- What do I do? - Listen, I can help you, but I don't think you have what it takes to stomach it.
I can take it.
Hit me.
You're no longer living in the world of the rational-thinking adult.
You're now living in the upside-down, crazy brain of the teenage girl.
If there's one thing I know, it's this, 'cause I lived it.
All right, then.
Teach me your horrible ways.
First, you need to let me help Felicia get her license.
God, no! Oh, God, no.
Why, God?! You seem to not be ready.
No, I'm ready for it.
Lay it on me.
Back in the day, all I wanted was for my dad to trust me.
If he'd had a little faith in me to make my own mistakes, I wouldn't have fought so hard against him.
Who knows, we could've even been pals.
That's what I want! Okay, what happens after she gets her license? You give her that trust she so desperately needs, and let her borrow your car when she asks you.
God, no! Never! Ever! Oh, my God! And ooh, why?! Okay.
Let's do it.
As I was ready to take the wheel with Felicia, Coach was about to get a crash-course in the ways of the Force.
Well, I gotta admit, pretty electric in here.
Feels like Game 7 of the World Series.
But imagine waiting 16 years between games.
And now, the wait is over.
["Star Wars (Main Theme)" plays, cheering.]
Hang on, Rick Mellor.
Your life as you know it is about to change.
TOGETHER: "Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic.
The taxation of trade routes to outlying systems" Whoa! - Ooh! - [Podracers whizzing.]
[Lightsabers clashing, audience cheering.]
[Whispering.]
This is the best thing ever.
That was the best thing ever! - Yes! - I know! So cool! - It was fine.
- Podracing That was the best scene in any "Star Wars" movie.
- For sure! - Epic.
- Podracing! - Felt a little long.
Darth Maul with his devil face and the double-sided lightsaber? - So dope.
- Bad ass.
Better than Vader! [Muttering.]
He had like one line.
I'm sorry, you're mumbling a bunch of stuff.
Do you have some kind of a problem? I mean Did you not love the movie?! I don't know, the whole thing was about a trade blockade and Senate votes.
- Oh.
- Kinda true.
I was confused.
But still! This is "Star Wars"! With Yoda and lightsabers and the Force! - Genius! - So awesome.
- So cool! - Yeah, about that.
You said the Force was some unexplainable, mystical power, but, you know, the movie said you can take a blood test to see if you got it.
He's right.
- Not great.
- I was confused! Forget about the upsetting midi-chlorians, all right.
This movie had everything.
I mean, even Anakin Skywalker.
- The kid saved the day! - MELLOR: Did he? Because if you think about it, he accidentally fell into a spaceship, then accidentally flew it into the bad guy's headquarters and then accidentally blew 'em all up.
- He's right.
- Oh, man I feel sad.
You just don't get the movie 'cause you haven't seen any of the other ones.
But I thought you said this one happens before the other ones.
This is "Star Wars", bro! This is not about one movie.
This is about the fandom and the family and the Force.
You mean the midi-chlorians? Midi-what? Nothing.
Just go watch the movie.
- You're gonna love it.
- Hang on to your receipt, puppet man.
No need.
In fact, we bought tickets to go see it again, so You can give my ticket to one of these guys in a bathrobe.
And when you're ready to admit the truth, I will be waiting.
Well, you're gonna be waiting for a long time because these movies are perfect, and nobody can ever take that away.
So, let's go, kids! Whoo! Damn it.
Mellor just ruined "Star Wars".
Glascott hoped to form a relationship of trust with his niece, so he turned to me to teach Felicia to drive.
I don't know how you convinced my uncle to let me drive, but as far as I'm concerned, you're a hero.
All I did was show him - you're worthy of his trust.
- Totally.
I mean, I would've killed to have my father - trust me like this when I was your age.
- You're right.
I mean, I love the guy more than ever, and you did that.
Well, I don't want to take full credit, but yeah, I'm the best.
Oh, there's a spot.
Do a three-point turn, and let's try - some parallel parking.
- I got this.
[Tires screeching.]
What the hell was that?! Uh nothing? You know how to drive already? Only for three years.
- What?! - It's not my fault.
Salt-N-Pepa played the Spectrum when I was in eighth grade, and I had to figure out somehow to get there behind my mom's back.
That story is completely your fault! Dude, don't make me regret getting your uncle to trust you! Look, I give you my word I won't turn his trust into a massive amount of misbehavior.
You said that in a way that sounds like that's exactly what you're gonna do.
No, nuh-uh, not me.
Also, how long does it take to drive to Florida? I've made a terrible mistake.
[Whistling.]
Heyyyyyyyyy there he is.
Hey, there she is.
The lady that made me the best uncle in the world.
Yeah, I heard you guys are like besties now.
Best besties.
We celebrated her new license by making drop cookies and talking about boys.
We agree Many of them are so immature.
[Both chuckle.]
Honestly, thank you for everything.
No! No need to thank me.
Come on, we both know this is all your doing.
Look at that strange smile.
So happy and kinda queasy.
What's going on with your face? She's lying to you! Your niece is a typical, horrible teenage monster! You cannot let her drive! - What?! - I was wrong about the trust.
But what about the drop cookies? The drop cookies were a trap! But I gave the girl my car.
Are you nuts?! Why would you do that?! Because you told me to! Let me guess, she's going to the public library - to study, right? - How did you know that? 'Cause she's lying to you, John! She's been driving for three years, and she's good.
I mean, she's like Tom Cruise in "Days of Thunder" good.
Cole Trickle?! Oh, no.
He was reckless on and off the track! We gotta go find her and stop her from doing whatever terrible and dangerous thing I used to do.
Right.
To the weird Driver's Ed mobile! - [Groans.]
- Move! Move! Bam! Proof that "Phantom Menace" is great.
- What's all this? - The first reviews came in this morning, and they're all raves.
We've got "New York Times," "Chicago Tribune," "The Post" even Roger Ebert gave it two huge thumbs up.
Eh, just like you, they're all in the glow.
- Glow? What glow? - The glow of something they remember being awesome, which clearly doesn't apply to this movie.
It's sad, really.
Okay, maybe there's a few tiny, little problems with the movie, but who cares? "Star Wars" is about the community, the the shared passion, the entire universe that fills our lives with wonder! See, now you're just melting down because your precious space movie isn't perfect.
Doesn't have to be.
Nothing in this world is 100% perfect.
All my favorite things are.
Sporty Spice perfect.
Grape nuts perfect.
Baseball.
Perfect.
So, let me put it in terms that you can understand.
How would you like it if I went to your locker room before a championship game and ruined baseball for your team? I would say that unlike your silly sci-fi nonsense, baseball is invulnerable to critique.
Oh, come on.
It's 5% actual game play, and the rest of the time, it's just a bunch of dudes standing there, adjusting their jocks.
For your information, those uniforms are extremely tight, which makes rearranging your goodie bag a necessity to maintain comfort and ensure exciting gameplay! Oh, please! Baseball's so boring that they have a mandated 7th inning group stretch so that the fans don't get a blood clot! That stretch promotes team unity and boosts Cracker Jack sales! Face it, baseball is just one mind-numbing, tobacco-spitting, unending borefest that no child has ever stayed awake through.
The TV cameras cut to those sleeping children because they're adorable, not because it sucks! Getting very defensive there, Coach.
Hope I'm not ruining America's pastime for you.
Impossible! Baseball is an elegant, nuanced art form, and no one can ever stop me from loving it! I'll leave you to clean your whistles.
Despite pushing back, at the next game, Coach couldn't get CB's words out of his head.
Aw, come on with the adjustment! What are you wasting time for?! Step in the box and swing! Stop shaking off every pitch! Why are you checking the runner at first?! He's not going anywhere! Come on! It's been two hours! It's still zero-zero.
Just swing at everything! Great! A toddler's asleep! Do something! Anything! Damn it.
CB ruined baseball.
While CB had opened Coach's eyes about baseball, Glascott and I were on the lookout for Felicia.
Why are you taking Old York Road? I just wanna go by the library just in case we were wrong about her.
We're not wrong, John.
That girl is either at the kegger at Roxborough Ronnie's or the kegger at Kappa Tau.
No, I need to know if she made the right choice and went to the library.
Of course she didn't make the right choice! She's a teenager and she's kegging it up at the kegger! [Tires squealing.]
Look, Felicia will never forgive me if I go show up at some party that she's not even at.
But she is there! How do you know?! Because I was terrible just like her! - Ohh! - No! The Driver's Ed car.
We both have brakes, and neither of us used them.
Let's remember for insurance purposes I was the passenger.
Okay, let's not argue about how this is your fault.
How do we find Felicia? Our student designated driving program isn't supposed to be for, you know, a-adults.
We're very drunk.
Just drive.
To the kegger, Gabe.
Yeah, I was actually supposed to pick up some kids there anyway.
Teachers.
Run! We'll get you for this, Gabe! What?! No! No, I'm just trying to help people here! - Felicia! - Hey.
[Chuckles.]
I was just on my way to the library.
Oh, thank God.
No, wait! CB! Well? Huh? Come on! "Star Wars"! Let's hear it! - R-Right? Am I right? - Sweet God.
You haven't discussed this movie with anyone yet, have you? No, I've been waiting all weekend to talk to you.
You listen to me.
Right now, you're living in the glow, and I never want that to end for you.
What was wrong with the movie? It was great.
R2-D2, the double lightsaber! You know, now that I think about it, though, I really didn't love the Trade Federation stuff.
Don't think! Just live in the glow where "Star Wars" is everything.
CB, we need to talk.
Mellor's here.
Run.
Run, Coop, and never look back.
- Run! - Hope you're happy.
Thanks to you, baseball has lost all its magic.
Just doing what you did to me.
- How's it feel? - Horrible! You know that the greatest hitter that ever lived only hit the ball four outta ten times? I don't teach math, but that doesn't seem impressive.
And why sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"? We're already there! Stop selling the sport to us! Look, I'm sorry I ruined baseball for you, but you ruined "Star Wars" for those kids.
It's the one thing at this school they had that made them feel a part of something, and I don't know why you can't get that.
I get it.
When I was a boy, I moved around a lot, and I learned that the easiest way to make friends was by joining a team.
Without baseball, I would've been lost.
The point is, I feel bad! Come on, let me make it right.
You can't.
It's too late.
Mellor may have ruined "Star Wars" for CB and the kids, but he had one more Jedi mind trick up his sleeve.
Kids, I am so psyched that you called this meeting of the Star Wars Club.
We didn't call this meeting.
Then who called the meeting? [Light switches click, "Star Wars (Main Theme)" plays.]
[Lightsaber hums.]
It was I who summoned you here.
Is that Coach Mellor? [Light switch clicks, music slows.]
Uh, Coach? We got practice.
Also, why are you dressed like a Sith Lord? Wait, you guys know that stuff? Yeah, it's "Star Wars", lady bro.
Who doesn't love "Star Wars"? Sounds like a challenge, Ronnie from Roxborough! The first Jedi that can knock me down doesn't have to do frog squats for the rest of the year.
Oh, it's on, Darth Mellor! I got your back, little bro.
["Star Wars (Main Theme)" plays.]
[All shouting.]
[Grunting.]
[Yells.]
[Grunting.]
[Yells.]
"Phantom Menace" rules! I can't hear you! ALL: "Phantom Menace" rules! [Cheering.]
Hey I made a new batch of drop cookies.
Sorry, I'm not in the mood for your betrayal cookies.
They taste like lies.
[Huffs.]
Okay, I get you're mad.
You finally trusted me, and I took advantage.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
Look, you don't want me to be your dad, and after this whole mess, I'm not sure that I wanna be.
- What are you saying? - Look at you.
You're driving now.
You're all grown up and ready to go out there and live your own life.
And frankly, trying to stop you is exhausting.
So go.
I just hope you're gonna be okay.
That's it? You're just giving up on me? But that's what you want.
For me to not be your dad.
Of course I don't want you to be my dad! My dad always let me down.
[Duran Duran's "Ordinary World" plays.]
Look, I know this is a crazy time in your life, but all I can tell you is I will be whoever you need me to be.
Thanks.
We did it, guys.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
I just wanted to tell you that I thought what you did the other day for those kids was amazing.
Look, "Star Wars" is your baseball, and it wasn't my place to take away something that makes so many people happy, especially from those kids.
Well, baseball makes a lot of people happy, too, so as a thank you, I got you this.
I remember how over-the-moon you were when the Phillies won the pennant.
Ah.
[Sniffs.]
Had awful seats and it didn't even matter.
- It was the best game I ever saw.
- Right.
Well, that's an autographed Lenny Dykstra ball from that game.
No? - Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Why would you do this? Because I love "Star Wars", and you love baseball, and none of it's perfect, but sometimes when you sit down to watch a "Star Wars" movie or a Phillies' game, it changes your life forever.
And in that way, we're exactly the same.
And like you said, every fan deserves that joy.
You're an honorable Jedi, Rick Mellor.
May the Force be with you, CB-Wan.
Somehow I have to find Teachers help us discover our passions in sports, in music, in movies.
And as we grow up and face a sometimes critical world, it's important to remember that even with their flaws, the joy these things bring to our lives will always be perfect.
Hello, everybody, I'm sitting here with the real CB, who I'm portraying.
Wait, should I, like, fold my hands - if you fold your hands? - Yes.
Ah.
What's the one thing that you wish could be taught in school? Life skills change a tire.
Have you ever had a tough time connecting to a student? - My dream is that I find something.
- Yeah.
When some kid comes in loving baseball, well, I love baseball.
I also ran a "Magic: The Gathering" club - at school, so I had - Wow, that's so sick.
- Yeah, and we'd play on Fridays, - Wow.
- maybe have pizza.
- That's cool.
Were you a nerd in high school? I was a nerd in high school.
- I loved math.
- Nine times nine, quick.
- 81.
That's my favorite one.
- Okay.
That was good.
That was really good.
Do you know how to do - the nine tables with your hand? - Sure.
- That's a saver for some kids.
- I always do this.
- Dude, you have fingers, use them.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah, I'm a geek.
- Me, too.
- Fellow geeks.
Here we are.
- [Laughs.]
- LAINEY: The '90s had a lot of great movies, but the biggest of them all was part of a phenomenon that spanned decades "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace".
It was the first new "Star Wars" movie in these kids' entire lives.
The "Star Wars" club was ready for it, and it wasn't just the students.
It's here.
After 16 agonizing years, George Lucas will once again bestow his genius upon us! God only knows the things in store he has planned.
I heard Jackie Chan is gonna play Boba Fett.
I heard Chewbacca talks in English! I heard the Ewoks grow into the Wookiees.
Guys, I don't wanna hang too much on a single motion picture, but when this club goes to opening night, it will be the most transformative experience of our collective lives.
Screw my bar mitzvah! Tonight, I become a man! Let's go, people! To Jedi Academy! [Kids cheer.]
[As Obi-Wan Kenobi.]
"You can't win, Darth.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
" [Choking.]
MELLOR: Attention, non-athletes! Time to take your glowing wizard wands and scoot! Okay, they're lightsabers, and we signed out the gym for Star Wars Club.
And as fun as make-em-up-pretend-time looks, my actual athletes need the space, so I'm afraid you gotta clear out.
Cut me some slack, all right? - We're gearing up for "Star Wars".
- "Star Wars"? Is that the one with the pointy-eared know-it-all - with the bowl cut? - No, that's Spock in "Star Trek".
- This is "Star Wars".
- Is that the one where the little guy - pops out of the big guy's chest? - That's "Alien".
- Is it the one with E.
T.
? - No, that's "E.
T.
"! - It's in the title.
- I like E.
T.
He gets drunk and puts on a wig.
"Star Wars" is about a group of ragtag underdogs that stand up to the Empire, and just like those underdogs, we will not be thrown Okay.
Wow.
Your team's carrying out my club like rag dolls.
Clear 'em out, boys! One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was March 20th, 1990-something, and Principal Glascott was teaching Driver's Ed, the first class his niece, Felicia, ever cared about because it meant freedom.
Okay, road warriors, here's a toughie.
Which way do you turn your wheels when parked uphill? - Away from the curb.
- Right.
Exactly how far from the curb should - 18 inches! - Yes.
Thank you.
What speed 25 in a school zone unless otherwise posted! I gotta say, it's scary when you really apply yourself.
Why would I apply myself in those other dumb classes? Who needs math, am I right? Do not return that high-five.
[School bell rings.]
That's the bell! Time for my supervised road time with my instructor! - [Laughs.]
- Okay, pump your brakes, Thelma & Louise.
You'll get your time behind the wheel.
Sorry, I'm just so excited.
And thanks for not making this weird, you being my uncle and all.
Hey, in this class, I am not your uncle.
I'm your teacher.
And I promise to treat you in a fair and reasonable manner.
[Tires screech.]
Okay.
Fail.
You fail.
Get outta the car because of your failure.
- What?! Why?! - You didn't triple check your mirrors, your hands were at 10 and 3, and you almost hit a pedestrian! Who?! I barely moved.
Our school's esteemed custodian! [Shouting.]
I-what-now?! Nothing, Johnny Atkins! I'm so far, I can't hear you! You want me to come over there?! No! Nothing! You're fine! He is lucky to be alive.
Sorry, but there is no way I'm letting you pass this class.
Bye-bye now.
[Keys jostling.]
You said you were my teacher, not my uncle! Yeah, well, I gave it some thought, and I decided to be both.
You are abusing your vast Driver's Ed powers - to hold me back! - Correct.
- You don't trust me at all.
- I'm glad we're in agreement on this.
What have I possibly done to deserve this? Well, let's see, you lie, you use salty language, you miss curfew.
It's not right! You know what's not right? You always acting like my dad when you're not! Okay, that's enough, young lady.
Mark my words, I will find a way to drive, and when I do, I'll make a hundred times the bad decisions.
Yeah? Well, good luck getting around on the city bus.
Gotta say, you really are a great principal but a lousy father figure.
- Excuse me? - I was Felicia, okay? I was raised by a neurotic, overprotective dad, which made me rebel hard.
Is this supposed to be helping? No, but I will help 'cause watching you and Felicia fight day in and day out is very unpleasant.
Well, I appreciate the offer, but I don't need any help.
I can handle her.
Attention William Penn! Did you know our high school principal's middle name is Laverne? Oh, no.
It's gender neutral! [Scattered laughter.]
I'm here when you need me Laverne.
CB, my man! Need a quick favor! No, I'm done helping you.
Wait, is this because I took the gym away - from your Star Battle boys? - Yes.
And just so you know, everybody is on my side about that because "Star Wars" is literally the most popular thing out of anything ever.
- With who? - Everybody! - Coop! - Huh? You excited about the new "Star Wars" movie? Oh, hells yeah! I heard they're gonna make Samuel L.
Jackson a Jedi! He gonna be like, "These are not the [bleep.]
you are looking for!" My point is made.
Everybody loves "Star Wars".
See, we're not the problem.
It's you for being a complete and utter cliché.
Hey, my entire career, I have prided myself on not being a typical meathead gym teacher.
- Seriously? - Yes! I've always been open to new and strange ideas that upset the delicate balance of a-an athlete's rightful place at the top of the social pyramid.
And you undid all your hard work by ruining the one thing that brought these kids together.
Damn it, you're right.
- Wait, what? - A man gets to be wrong once in his life, and this here is it.
Obviously, I was wrong about your Space Wars, so it's time for you to coach Coach.
Well, you could come to the premiere with us, sit back, and let "The Phantom Menace" show you how awesome - "Star Wars" can be.
- Uh-huh.
And what happens when I'm not into it? Look, I am so certain that this movie will change your life that if it isn't transcendent on every level, I will publicly announce that "Star Wars" is just a film and not a way of life.
Wow, I was just hoping you'd pay me back for my ticket, - but let's roll.
- Yeah! As Coach was gearing up to see the new "Star Wars", Glascott was still trying to put the brakes on his clever and rebellious niece.
Felicia, we need to have a conversation right now, missy.
Whatever seems to be the problem, Principal Glascott? It's come to my attention that you joined the Alcohol Task Force.
Well, you say you want me to be more involved in school, right? Oh, so you joining has nothing to do with the fact that they have designated drivers at all times, offering free rides on the weekends? Do they? Huh.
Seems like someone could use that as their own personal taxi service.
I think she's saying it that way 'cause that's what she did all weekend.
- Whose side are you on, Gabe? - Enough.
You can't take advantage of well-intentioned goobs like Gabe! - Nothing personal.
- Oh, it's fine.
I just like spending time with your niece, sir.
Hey, I told you I'd figure out a way to get around without a license.
I'll see you Friday through Saturday, pal.
This time, can I at least come into the parties with you? Sorry, they're a little exclusive.
[Locker shuts.]
Okay, you were right.
Everything that I do with Felicia goes horribly wrong.
- What do I do? - Listen, I can help you, but I don't think you have what it takes to stomach it.
I can take it.
Hit me.
You're no longer living in the world of the rational-thinking adult.
You're now living in the upside-down, crazy brain of the teenage girl.
If there's one thing I know, it's this, 'cause I lived it.
All right, then.
Teach me your horrible ways.
First, you need to let me help Felicia get her license.
God, no! Oh, God, no.
Why, God?! You seem to not be ready.
No, I'm ready for it.
Lay it on me.
Back in the day, all I wanted was for my dad to trust me.
If he'd had a little faith in me to make my own mistakes, I wouldn't have fought so hard against him.
Who knows, we could've even been pals.
That's what I want! Okay, what happens after she gets her license? You give her that trust she so desperately needs, and let her borrow your car when she asks you.
God, no! Never! Ever! Oh, my God! And ooh, why?! Okay.
Let's do it.
As I was ready to take the wheel with Felicia, Coach was about to get a crash-course in the ways of the Force.
Well, I gotta admit, pretty electric in here.
Feels like Game 7 of the World Series.
But imagine waiting 16 years between games.
And now, the wait is over.
["Star Wars (Main Theme)" plays, cheering.]
Hang on, Rick Mellor.
Your life as you know it is about to change.
TOGETHER: "Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic.
The taxation of trade routes to outlying systems" Whoa! - Ooh! - [Podracers whizzing.]
[Lightsabers clashing, audience cheering.]
[Whispering.]
This is the best thing ever.
That was the best thing ever! - Yes! - I know! So cool! - It was fine.
- Podracing That was the best scene in any "Star Wars" movie.
- For sure! - Epic.
- Podracing! - Felt a little long.
Darth Maul with his devil face and the double-sided lightsaber? - So dope.
- Bad ass.
Better than Vader! [Muttering.]
He had like one line.
I'm sorry, you're mumbling a bunch of stuff.
Do you have some kind of a problem? I mean Did you not love the movie?! I don't know, the whole thing was about a trade blockade and Senate votes.
- Oh.
- Kinda true.
I was confused.
But still! This is "Star Wars"! With Yoda and lightsabers and the Force! - Genius! - So awesome.
- So cool! - Yeah, about that.
You said the Force was some unexplainable, mystical power, but, you know, the movie said you can take a blood test to see if you got it.
He's right.
- Not great.
- I was confused! Forget about the upsetting midi-chlorians, all right.
This movie had everything.
I mean, even Anakin Skywalker.
- The kid saved the day! - MELLOR: Did he? Because if you think about it, he accidentally fell into a spaceship, then accidentally flew it into the bad guy's headquarters and then accidentally blew 'em all up.
- He's right.
- Oh, man I feel sad.
You just don't get the movie 'cause you haven't seen any of the other ones.
But I thought you said this one happens before the other ones.
This is "Star Wars", bro! This is not about one movie.
This is about the fandom and the family and the Force.
You mean the midi-chlorians? Midi-what? Nothing.
Just go watch the movie.
- You're gonna love it.
- Hang on to your receipt, puppet man.
No need.
In fact, we bought tickets to go see it again, so You can give my ticket to one of these guys in a bathrobe.
And when you're ready to admit the truth, I will be waiting.
Well, you're gonna be waiting for a long time because these movies are perfect, and nobody can ever take that away.
So, let's go, kids! Whoo! Damn it.
Mellor just ruined "Star Wars".
Glascott hoped to form a relationship of trust with his niece, so he turned to me to teach Felicia to drive.
I don't know how you convinced my uncle to let me drive, but as far as I'm concerned, you're a hero.
All I did was show him - you're worthy of his trust.
- Totally.
I mean, I would've killed to have my father - trust me like this when I was your age.
- You're right.
I mean, I love the guy more than ever, and you did that.
Well, I don't want to take full credit, but yeah, I'm the best.
Oh, there's a spot.
Do a three-point turn, and let's try - some parallel parking.
- I got this.
[Tires screeching.]
What the hell was that?! Uh nothing? You know how to drive already? Only for three years.
- What?! - It's not my fault.
Salt-N-Pepa played the Spectrum when I was in eighth grade, and I had to figure out somehow to get there behind my mom's back.
That story is completely your fault! Dude, don't make me regret getting your uncle to trust you! Look, I give you my word I won't turn his trust into a massive amount of misbehavior.
You said that in a way that sounds like that's exactly what you're gonna do.
No, nuh-uh, not me.
Also, how long does it take to drive to Florida? I've made a terrible mistake.
[Whistling.]
Heyyyyyyyyy there he is.
Hey, there she is.
The lady that made me the best uncle in the world.
Yeah, I heard you guys are like besties now.
Best besties.
We celebrated her new license by making drop cookies and talking about boys.
We agree Many of them are so immature.
[Both chuckle.]
Honestly, thank you for everything.
No! No need to thank me.
Come on, we both know this is all your doing.
Look at that strange smile.
So happy and kinda queasy.
What's going on with your face? She's lying to you! Your niece is a typical, horrible teenage monster! You cannot let her drive! - What?! - I was wrong about the trust.
But what about the drop cookies? The drop cookies were a trap! But I gave the girl my car.
Are you nuts?! Why would you do that?! Because you told me to! Let me guess, she's going to the public library - to study, right? - How did you know that? 'Cause she's lying to you, John! She's been driving for three years, and she's good.
I mean, she's like Tom Cruise in "Days of Thunder" good.
Cole Trickle?! Oh, no.
He was reckless on and off the track! We gotta go find her and stop her from doing whatever terrible and dangerous thing I used to do.
Right.
To the weird Driver's Ed mobile! - [Groans.]
- Move! Move! Bam! Proof that "Phantom Menace" is great.
- What's all this? - The first reviews came in this morning, and they're all raves.
We've got "New York Times," "Chicago Tribune," "The Post" even Roger Ebert gave it two huge thumbs up.
Eh, just like you, they're all in the glow.
- Glow? What glow? - The glow of something they remember being awesome, which clearly doesn't apply to this movie.
It's sad, really.
Okay, maybe there's a few tiny, little problems with the movie, but who cares? "Star Wars" is about the community, the the shared passion, the entire universe that fills our lives with wonder! See, now you're just melting down because your precious space movie isn't perfect.
Doesn't have to be.
Nothing in this world is 100% perfect.
All my favorite things are.
Sporty Spice perfect.
Grape nuts perfect.
Baseball.
Perfect.
So, let me put it in terms that you can understand.
How would you like it if I went to your locker room before a championship game and ruined baseball for your team? I would say that unlike your silly sci-fi nonsense, baseball is invulnerable to critique.
Oh, come on.
It's 5% actual game play, and the rest of the time, it's just a bunch of dudes standing there, adjusting their jocks.
For your information, those uniforms are extremely tight, which makes rearranging your goodie bag a necessity to maintain comfort and ensure exciting gameplay! Oh, please! Baseball's so boring that they have a mandated 7th inning group stretch so that the fans don't get a blood clot! That stretch promotes team unity and boosts Cracker Jack sales! Face it, baseball is just one mind-numbing, tobacco-spitting, unending borefest that no child has ever stayed awake through.
The TV cameras cut to those sleeping children because they're adorable, not because it sucks! Getting very defensive there, Coach.
Hope I'm not ruining America's pastime for you.
Impossible! Baseball is an elegant, nuanced art form, and no one can ever stop me from loving it! I'll leave you to clean your whistles.
Despite pushing back, at the next game, Coach couldn't get CB's words out of his head.
Aw, come on with the adjustment! What are you wasting time for?! Step in the box and swing! Stop shaking off every pitch! Why are you checking the runner at first?! He's not going anywhere! Come on! It's been two hours! It's still zero-zero.
Just swing at everything! Great! A toddler's asleep! Do something! Anything! Damn it.
CB ruined baseball.
While CB had opened Coach's eyes about baseball, Glascott and I were on the lookout for Felicia.
Why are you taking Old York Road? I just wanna go by the library just in case we were wrong about her.
We're not wrong, John.
That girl is either at the kegger at Roxborough Ronnie's or the kegger at Kappa Tau.
No, I need to know if she made the right choice and went to the library.
Of course she didn't make the right choice! She's a teenager and she's kegging it up at the kegger! [Tires squealing.]
Look, Felicia will never forgive me if I go show up at some party that she's not even at.
But she is there! How do you know?! Because I was terrible just like her! - Ohh! - No! The Driver's Ed car.
We both have brakes, and neither of us used them.
Let's remember for insurance purposes I was the passenger.
Okay, let's not argue about how this is your fault.
How do we find Felicia? Our student designated driving program isn't supposed to be for, you know, a-adults.
We're very drunk.
Just drive.
To the kegger, Gabe.
Yeah, I was actually supposed to pick up some kids there anyway.
Teachers.
Run! We'll get you for this, Gabe! What?! No! No, I'm just trying to help people here! - Felicia! - Hey.
[Chuckles.]
I was just on my way to the library.
Oh, thank God.
No, wait! CB! Well? Huh? Come on! "Star Wars"! Let's hear it! - R-Right? Am I right? - Sweet God.
You haven't discussed this movie with anyone yet, have you? No, I've been waiting all weekend to talk to you.
You listen to me.
Right now, you're living in the glow, and I never want that to end for you.
What was wrong with the movie? It was great.
R2-D2, the double lightsaber! You know, now that I think about it, though, I really didn't love the Trade Federation stuff.
Don't think! Just live in the glow where "Star Wars" is everything.
CB, we need to talk.
Mellor's here.
Run.
Run, Coop, and never look back.
- Run! - Hope you're happy.
Thanks to you, baseball has lost all its magic.
Just doing what you did to me.
- How's it feel? - Horrible! You know that the greatest hitter that ever lived only hit the ball four outta ten times? I don't teach math, but that doesn't seem impressive.
And why sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"? We're already there! Stop selling the sport to us! Look, I'm sorry I ruined baseball for you, but you ruined "Star Wars" for those kids.
It's the one thing at this school they had that made them feel a part of something, and I don't know why you can't get that.
I get it.
When I was a boy, I moved around a lot, and I learned that the easiest way to make friends was by joining a team.
Without baseball, I would've been lost.
The point is, I feel bad! Come on, let me make it right.
You can't.
It's too late.
Mellor may have ruined "Star Wars" for CB and the kids, but he had one more Jedi mind trick up his sleeve.
Kids, I am so psyched that you called this meeting of the Star Wars Club.
We didn't call this meeting.
Then who called the meeting? [Light switches click, "Star Wars (Main Theme)" plays.]
[Lightsaber hums.]
It was I who summoned you here.
Is that Coach Mellor? [Light switch clicks, music slows.]
Uh, Coach? We got practice.
Also, why are you dressed like a Sith Lord? Wait, you guys know that stuff? Yeah, it's "Star Wars", lady bro.
Who doesn't love "Star Wars"? Sounds like a challenge, Ronnie from Roxborough! The first Jedi that can knock me down doesn't have to do frog squats for the rest of the year.
Oh, it's on, Darth Mellor! I got your back, little bro.
["Star Wars (Main Theme)" plays.]
[All shouting.]
[Grunting.]
[Yells.]
[Grunting.]
[Yells.]
"Phantom Menace" rules! I can't hear you! ALL: "Phantom Menace" rules! [Cheering.]
Hey I made a new batch of drop cookies.
Sorry, I'm not in the mood for your betrayal cookies.
They taste like lies.
[Huffs.]
Okay, I get you're mad.
You finally trusted me, and I took advantage.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
Look, you don't want me to be your dad, and after this whole mess, I'm not sure that I wanna be.
- What are you saying? - Look at you.
You're driving now.
You're all grown up and ready to go out there and live your own life.
And frankly, trying to stop you is exhausting.
So go.
I just hope you're gonna be okay.
That's it? You're just giving up on me? But that's what you want.
For me to not be your dad.
Of course I don't want you to be my dad! My dad always let me down.
[Duran Duran's "Ordinary World" plays.]
Look, I know this is a crazy time in your life, but all I can tell you is I will be whoever you need me to be.
Thanks.
We did it, guys.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
I just wanted to tell you that I thought what you did the other day for those kids was amazing.
Look, "Star Wars" is your baseball, and it wasn't my place to take away something that makes so many people happy, especially from those kids.
Well, baseball makes a lot of people happy, too, so as a thank you, I got you this.
I remember how over-the-moon you were when the Phillies won the pennant.
Ah.
[Sniffs.]
Had awful seats and it didn't even matter.
- It was the best game I ever saw.
- Right.
Well, that's an autographed Lenny Dykstra ball from that game.
No? - Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Why would you do this? Because I love "Star Wars", and you love baseball, and none of it's perfect, but sometimes when you sit down to watch a "Star Wars" movie or a Phillies' game, it changes your life forever.
And in that way, we're exactly the same.
And like you said, every fan deserves that joy.
You're an honorable Jedi, Rick Mellor.
May the Force be with you, CB-Wan.
Somehow I have to find Teachers help us discover our passions in sports, in music, in movies.
And as we grow up and face a sometimes critical world, it's important to remember that even with their flaws, the joy these things bring to our lives will always be perfect.
Hello, everybody, I'm sitting here with the real CB, who I'm portraying.
Wait, should I, like, fold my hands - if you fold your hands? - Yes.
Ah.
What's the one thing that you wish could be taught in school? Life skills change a tire.
Have you ever had a tough time connecting to a student? - My dream is that I find something.
- Yeah.
When some kid comes in loving baseball, well, I love baseball.
I also ran a "Magic: The Gathering" club - at school, so I had - Wow, that's so sick.
- Yeah, and we'd play on Fridays, - Wow.
- maybe have pizza.
- That's cool.
Were you a nerd in high school? I was a nerd in high school.
- I loved math.
- Nine times nine, quick.
- 81.
That's my favorite one.
- Okay.
That was good.
That was really good.
Do you know how to do - the nine tables with your hand? - Sure.
- That's a saver for some kids.
- I always do this.
- Dude, you have fingers, use them.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah, I'm a geek.
- Me, too.
- Fellow geeks.
Here we are.
- [Laughs.]