Schooled (2019) s01e10 Episode Script

There's No Fighting In Fight Club

1 LAINEY: Back in the '80s, I was a cheerleader, and it was a blast.
But in the '90s, it went to a whole new level.
The cheerleaders were finally seen as athletes, and TV competitions captured our attention.
Okay, girls.
Know who's jazzed to be your new coach? Here's a clue Whoo! Sorry, it's me.
I'm just excited.
[Chuckles] Used to be a cheerleader back in the day.
I was actually team captain, became real popular.
Dated the Quaker mascot, became less popular.
Was it a mistake? Yeah, perhaps.
Do I still love the guy? Who knows.
His name was Barry.
It was a long time ago.
He's a doctor now.
We're getting off topic.
Point is, we're gonna kill it.
Can I get a "Go Quakers!"? Go Quakers! I didn't hear you.
[Louder] Gooo Quakers! Damn right! Now, let's get to work! - [Thud] - What's going on right now? We gotta decorate the football players' lockers today.
And then we gotta bake them all game-day desserts.
Oh, man.
I forgot about this part of cheerleading.
Girls, cheerleading has changed.
It's not just about rooting on the players.
You're all just as much of athletes as they are.
- We are? - Of course.
You've seen cheerleading competitions on ESPN, right? ESPN? That's my dad's channel.
Everyone, follow me.
See, these girls are fierce competitors.
And you can be just as badass.
You really think so? Yes! But it means more time practicing and less time baking and crafting.
So you really think the football team will go for this? I'll talk to Coach Mellor.
Coach to coach.
What do you say, girls? We are so in.
Go Quakers! Go Quakers! One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" LAINEY: It was April 3rd, 1990-something, and the school was on fire with gossip.
Back before social media, it spread the old-fashioned way notes and word of mouth.
And no gossip was hotter than news of an after-school fight.
Oh, this excites me.
I heard Raday was talking smack about Reza in the pit, and he went berserk and called him out.
I heard Raday and Reza's families are sworn mortal enemies that date back centuries.
Whoa, wait.
Who's fighting who now? Not Raday and Reza.
Saved it.
Code Red, people.
Word of a fight has spread like wildfire.
Reza versus Raday, 2:30 sharp, behind the gymnatorium.
We got to stop 'em now.
Come on! Let's go.
Whoa, wait.
Stop 'em? Why? 'Cause we're teachers and that's our job? Our job is to teach these kids how to settle their differences by themselves.
- Just look the other way.
- I'm sorry.
Are you saying we should allow these kids to just smack each other around like Sgt.
Slaughter and Captain Lou Albano? What? I like WWF.
I find the story lines very compelling.
Yes.
That is how young men squash their beef.
No, we need to help them squash the beef by talking it out like normal, rational adults.
Talk? Come on.
Have you ever had beef to squash, CB? - Not really.
- Trust me.
You let 'em throw a few punches, or their beef is gonna get beefier until it can't be contained.
Okay, there is no way that I'm letting the entire student body stand outside chanting "fight" as two nice kids throw haymakers at each other.
[Students chanting in distance] Fight! Fight! Fight! Well, it seems we've been debating this issue so long that it's now 2:30.
Damn it, Crosby! You were stalling on purpose.
Little bit.
[Chanting continues] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! They're doing that thing where they're super charged and in each other's faces.
And now they're doing that thing where they jerk their arms like they're about to throw a punch, causing the other one to flinch like a little punk.
And now Raday's doing that hockey move! I'm going in! Hey, everyone, simmer down, okay? - I'm breaking this up.
- Pardon me.
I am also breaking this up because I am appalled at this pathetic display of boxing skill.
Okay, ignore everything that your shop teacher just said and get back to class.
The next day, Mr.
Glascott discovered that, as the new principal, he'd lost touch with what was happening on the ground.
Code Red, people.
Just got word there's gonna be a bare-knuckle throwdown, 2:30 sharp behind the gymnatorium.
That was yesterday, and we broke it up.
- What? - Don't sweat it, John.
You're head of the school now.
You have more important things to worry about.
What exactly could be more important than the actual children? Well, you know, all the important stuff like budgeting, and, um, allocating the money, and scheduling the funds and where they go.
Those are all the same thing.
CB, set up a meeting with me and those boys.
No need, boss.
Already dealing with it.
Without me? But I'm head of school.
Which is why I assumed that you would want nothing to do with this.
Well, you assumed wrong.
So, what exactly is your plan? Fight Club.
Oh, yeah, now we're talking! Fight club? Are you nuts, man? Okay, calm down.
The first rule of this Fight Club is that there's no fighting in Fight Club.
Instead, we read the book "Fight Club" and then talk about it.
- So it's a book club.
- No.
- Sounds like a book club.
- Fine, it's a book club.
But it'll give the boys an opportunity to have real dialogue.
- I hate this fight club.
- Wow.
- That's actually a fantastic idea, CB.
- Thanks.
And just the thing I need to get back on the ground where I belong, helping these students again.
Wait, what? John, I was hoping to run point on this.
I mean, it took me a while to make the flyer.
At first I tried bubble letters, then, um, puffy paint Well, an issue this important needs to be handled correctly, and, as a former GC guidance counselor - I have more experience.
- Right.
But that's not your job anymore, which is why I think the kids would prefer me.
You made the right call on the no bubble letters.
You can feel good about that.
- Can I at least come to the meeting? - Of course you can! - That way you can see how it's done.
- O-Okay.
I look forward to seeing how the idea I just told you is done.
Principal Glascott was insecure about being replaced, but I was confident Coach would help me take cheerleading to the next level.
Hey, Rick.
Got a sec? For you, "Coach Lewis"?! Of course! Come in, come in! Gah, there you are.
Wow, you're excited to see me.
Well, of course I am! Because you've just begun your coaching journey.
Ah, how I envy you.
Soon you'll be glowing with what we in the coaching world call that coaching glow.
Oh, here you go.
Go on and take it.
Your first whistle.
Once that's slung around your neck, you'll never be the same.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about the cheerleaders.
Whatever you need, it's done.
Coaches helping coaches.
That's what this is all about.
Perfect, 'cause I've entered the girls into this big cheerleading competition, but there's no time to practice 'cause they got to decorate lockers and make food and stuff.
Ah! That reminds me.
Recipe for seafood gumbo.
Nothing gets me pumped for battle like good old fish stew.
Oh, right, I remember the pre-game gumbo we had to make.
One of our school's time-honored traditions.
William Penn himself loved the gumbo, a new taste from far away.
God, it's so many ingredients.
That's why it tastes like victory, Coach.
- Go Quakers! - Okay, you're not getting it.
My cheerleaders can't make the gumbo that simmers for 16 hours and win regionals.
Understand? Looks like you've got your first coaching obstacle.
But the great coaches, they figure it out.
Are you a great coach, Lainey Lewis? Uh, you bet your blue-shorted ass I am.
I'll give you my word as a fellow coach you'll get your gumbo.
Fight, Quakers, fight.
So, in order to get more time to practice, I went to some kids I was pretty sure would be willing to help the cheerleaders.
Attention, chess club.
The cheerleaders are in dire need of help, and you're our only hope.
So, what do you say? No, no, no, no.
We're playing a game of the mind, here.
Shut up, Ellen! Whatever it is, we'll do it.
Yeah.
Consider us your bishops in shining armor.
Gah, I mean knights! I'm just so flustered! [Chess piece clatters] But yes.
The answer's "yes.
" I found my solution to my problem, and Glascott found CB's solution to his.
Okay, boys, welcome to Fight Club.
TOGETHER: Yeah! We got a few rules to discuss.
The first rule of fight club is TOGETHER: There is no fight club! there's no fighting in fight club.
- Wait, what? - Rule number two do not touch the boiler.
You will be burned, and your parents will sue us.
- So that's a no-no.
- Seriously? Rule number three if you find the biology lab's lost corn snake, do not approach it.
She's pregnant and very irritable.
So, this isn't a fight club at all.
CB said the point of us coming down here was to work out our problems.
Forget about CB.
Ol' Glascott is leading the charge now.
And it'll feel like fight club when we start reading "Fight Club.
" So it's a book club.
- CB: John? - Hmm? Can I talk to you? Now? All right, I'll be right back.
Stop eyeballing that boiler, Mankewitz.
You changed the meeting time.
You said I could be a part of this.
Yes, but then I saw the movie, and I realized Ed Norton's whole problem was that Brad Pitt kept interfering, so I decided to run the club on my own.
First of all, Brad Pitt wasn't interfering.
He's not even there.
Well, for someone who wasn't there, he sure did pop up a lot, didn't he? - Yes, 'cause he's in Ed Norton's head.
- In his head? Brad Pitt was hooking up with Helena Bonham Carter while Norton was eating cereal in the kitchen.
No, Ed Norton hooked up with her.
He just imagined that she was with Pitt.
- So who's eating cereal? - That part is unclear.
Cereal doesn't eat itself, CB.
Okay, the movie has some holes.
But we were supposed to do this together [Students chanting in distance] Fight! Fight! Fight! Damn it, not again.
[Chanting continues] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Okay, okay.
- Enough! - [Chanting stops] There's no fighting in fight club.
That's my number one rule.
For the record, your rules and fight club make no sense.
- Oh, it's my club again.
- I didn't make that flyer.
It's a good thing that I was here to break this up.
Okay, everybody out of here.
CB's misguided Fight Club is over.
[Sighs] - What's this? - The team's pre-game gumbo.
Why are you presenting me with the team's pre-game gumbo, Ed Morris? Cheerleaders are busy preparing for some high-octane competition, so Ms.
Lewis asked the chess team to help out.
What? They're gonna root us on at our next blitz tournament.
Silently, of course.
But actual female girls will be there.
Everyone wins! Okay, we have a huge problem here.
This school has glorious traditions that must be honored.
Like the cheerleading gumbo tradition.
You can't just change that.
Didn't you get Ed's gumbo? Oh, I got Ed's gumbo.
It tasted like six generations of loving home cooking down on the bayou.
But Ed is not a cheerleader.
Hey, I took your coaching advice.
I figured out a way to make more time for practice - so we can get ready for regionals.
- Come on.
We both know my boys are not gonna be happy with delicious gumbo from the chess team.
I'm not coaching to make your boys happy.
I'm coaching to make my girls champions.
Don't do that.
Don't make this a boy-girl thing.
I think you made this a boy-girl thing when you turned your back on Ed's delicious seafood-and-sausage stew! Look, as much as I appreciate your squad, they're not athletes! They're cheerers.
It's right there in the name.
Not athletes, huh? What they're doing is on ESPN, just like football or basketball or any other sport.
No way is cheerleading on ESPN Sweet sod! Jenny Nussbaum just flipped like a land dolphin! Because this takes real skill and strength.
Sweet lord of Rah-Rah, these ladies are fearless! Oh, God, don't drop Oh, what a save! Did you see that?! That's called a "basket toss," actually one of our easiest moves.
Sounds like you get why we want to focus on this instead of gumbo.
Oh, I get it.
Attention, cheerleaders! No cheer athletes! From this moment on, your glorious sport is Mellor approved! Tradition as we know it will never be the same! [Gasps] Oh! Oh.
Maybe talk about how the world's changing after practice? Yes, I'm sorry.
I had convinced Coach Mellor that my cheerleaders were athletes.
Now he just had to convince his players.
Look, I know you're all disappointed that the girls need to focus on their own sport, but times are changing.
Cheerleaders are now athletes just like you guys! Does this mean Marni's not gonna decorate my locker anymore? - No.
- So then, it'll be Cheryl? What? No.
Nobody's decorating anybody's locker.
Then how will get glitter and ribbons on them? You won't.
From now on, all lockers will be plain, bare metal with no arts and crafts of any kind.
But those decorated lockers are how everyone in school knows we're awesome football players.
It's cool, Weasel.
People will know when they see the cheerleaders presenting us with our game-day desserts.
Guys, this is not complicated.
The cheerleaders are no longer decorating your stuff or baking you sweets.
WEASEL: So, to be clear, the only thing the cheerleaders now do is cheer at our games? Yes.
And if I may add, there is a world where they upstage you guys with their high-octane acrobatic routines.
Okay, I'm gonna speak for the team here and say "no.
" Look, I know tradition is important, and it will live on.
- How? - You now have the unwavering support of the chess team, who will provide all game-day treats.
Who's up for some homemade Louisiana lovin'? - Come on! Get 'em out of here! - No! That's it.
No beignets for anyone.
You'll not taste one bite of their heavenly goodness.
Not one, okay? Go into my office, men.
You can watch me eat these pastries on my own.
We made three dozen of these.
Challenge accepted.
A day had passed since the fight club book club turned into an actual fight club, but the real battle was now on.
Hey, John.
Um, I heard you're having a sit-down with Alec and Reza.
Yeah, that's right.
General Glascott has to return to the trenches to save his troops.
My point is, I'm their class advisor.
That's why you're invited to watch me work my magic.
By the time I'm done with those boys, they're gonna be best bros.
Crazy.
You're like a pencil break black belt.
Okay, enough.
What's going on here? I mean, it has no official name, but we generally call it pencil break.
But that's a whimsical game of friendship.
I haven't fixed you two yet.
Nah, we're good.
No, you're not good.
Alec has been busting your balls all year, man.
Yeah, which is why I just had to stand up for myself.
I got some mad displaced anger because my parents are making me go to Chestnut Hill Academy next year.
Dude, that sucks.
Okay, enough.
No more bonding.
- This burgeoning friendship is over.
- What? The moral of this story cannot be that punching solves problems.
So, as the esteemed Head of this School, I hereby declare that you two are not friends.
You can't do that.
It's an unprecedented move, sure, but [chuckles] my hands are tied.
Back me up here, CB.
- Actually, they do have a point.
- Don't need input.
Just tell the children they're dead to each other.
You know what? They're not the ones who need fixing.
It's you.
- Nice.
- Dude! Reza Alavi is right.
Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself.
- Exactly.
- Word.
And if I let myself get walked all over, then I deserve everything you do to me.
You're a [bleep] and I'm tired of it.
- Boom.
- This is the best day of the year.
Are you kidding me right now? You're all over me lately.
You're picking on me.
You're taking my ideas.
You're making me feel like I'm the problem here.
CB, honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about.
And that's what makes it worse.
But you know what? I'm done.
No more.
I'm done with you.
By the way, Brad Pitt is clearly Ed Norton's imaginary friend.
I watched it with my 12-year-old nephew, and he got it.
He's a child.
While CB was done with John, my squad was ready to cheer on the team at the biggest game of the year.
Coach Lewis, uh, it seems we got a little situation brewing here.
Oh, another coaching obstacle, huh? Lay it on me.
Well, it's come to my attention that the football players no longer want the cheerleaders on the team bus.
- Or cheering at all.
- What? You said you'd get them on board.
I know, but it turns out they really like their lockers decorated.
Wait, are you saying they don't want us to cheer at all? That's right.
We own the halftime show now.
Oh, God.
We've been replaced by flag corps.
Enjoy rolling up to the game in your mom's weak Pontiac Aztec, Harriet! - [Thud] - Ugh, watch the pole.
- Just keep it straight.
- No, you, like, flip it.
Coach, you have to stop this.
The flag girls are so jazzed.
I can't take that away from them.
- Look who's on the bus now, bitches! - Great.
We'd be on that bus if we'd just kept things the way they were.
But now we've got nothing.
We've got a competition coming up.
That's what cheerleading's all about, right? Not flirting with a bunch of football players - on the back of a bus.
- No! Thanks to you, we don't even have a team to cheer for, which means we're not even cheerleaders at all.
- [Sighs] - Girls Looks like we got ourselves another coaching obstacle.
We'll figure this out.
[Clears throat] No.
You figure it out.
You may be a coach, but I'm not.
[Scoffs] Hey, C-to-the-B! It's me, John Glascott.
Can we have a man-to-man talk? Not like boss and boss-ee but more like friends? Of course.
Okay, here's the thing.
John Glascott is not a [bleep].
Take it back.
I will not, 'cause that's what you've been to me.
How?! Tell me.
I demand to know as your boss and also friend.
Well, if you're gonna make me say it, I think you're jealous of me.
Right, I'm jealous of a man wearing a Snoopy tie.
- Actually, I like your tie.
It's fun.
- Thanks.
But what do I have to be jealous about? 'Cause I'm the teacher that you used to be, and you can't stand it, boss.
Don't you dare call me boss unless it's a pleasantry between pals like, "Hey, I hope you had a nice summer vacation, boss," or "thanks for taking me to that Dave Matthews concert, boss.
" - [Students chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! - Oh, damn it, not again.
- I'll handle it.
- Not if I can handle it first! Fight! Fight! Fight! - There is no fighting at this school.
- [Chanting stops] Who is it? Tell me right now.
The two of you, apparently.
Us? Why would anyone think that? Uh, because CB called you a [bleep].
What? No, we don't have beef.
I mean, we do a lot of it, but fighting is not the answer.
I just intercepted a note in class.
Has the fight started yet? There is no fight! What adults do is talk and listen.
Violence solves nothing.
Besides, I'm 20 years younger.
It wouldn't even be fair.
Exactly.
Given CB's youth and lack of experience, things could get ugly for him really quick, and we don't want that.
Your principal is right.
And to see me put my judo training to use would make matters worse, frankly.
No worse than me showing you the art of capoeira [Exhales sharply] AKA Brazilian dance fighting.
Sure, I could flip your principal into a trophy case, and glass would rain down on him, but what would that prove? Nothing! And not because I would see it coming, I'd do a back flip out of the way, kicking him in the forehead as I land! - Oh, that's not possible.
- You don't know! - Oh, come on! - [Students chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! - No! - No! - We're not fighting.
- It's not happening.
- No fighting.
Go! - It's not happening.
All right, you heard 'em.
Move it.
[Exhales sharply] Squash the beef.
Okay, come on.
This is crazy.
I don't have it out for you.
You're one of my favorite teachers, and you know that.
I used to.
Not anymore.
The football team had won their game, but to Coach, it was the worst loss of the season.
- Today was a total loss.
- Uh, but we just won.
But you still lost because you turned your back on our cheer team.
Coach, why are you sitting in the locker room? Yeah, you only just charge around all fired up, throwing stuff.
Not anymore, Weasel.
This is on the cheerleaders for thinking they're athletes.
I'm sorry, but they're not.
Well, if that's what you think, then clean up.
I'll be waiting for you in the gym.
It's simple.
If you can do just one basket toss, we'll all go back to the way things were.
I don't know what a basket toss is, but if they can do it wearing a skirt, I think we'll be just fine.
Ladies? Like Coach Lewis taught you.
Let's see you do that! I can squat 350, holmes.
I don't think it'll be a problem to throw Weasel - 20 feet in the air.
- Wait, what? I got your note.
What's going on? Just getting my boys on board.
Rick, I appreciate the effort, but we both know there is no way On three! One, two, [Groaning] three! Aah! [Gasping] MAN: You're my boy, Weasel.
I'm so sorry, man.
I'm so sorry.
So, yeah, you're real athletes.
Big time.
And we get it if you never want to cheer for us again after the way we've acted.
Depends.
Do you still want the flag corps to do the halftime show? Those girls are mean.
And their giant sticks are dangerous.
Then looks like you just got your cheerleaders back.
Yes! Whoo! Welcome back, Coach.
Just do me a favor and no more quitting.
Deal.
And don't worry.
We'll make you proud at regionals.
And we'll be right there cheering you on.
Really? Consider it a new tradition.
[Alanis Morissette's "You Learn" plays] Hey, can we have a man-to-man talk? Not as co-workers, but as friends? Yeah, that didn't go over so well last time.
It will now.
Because you were right, CB.
- I'm jealous.
- Why? It's so hard watching you with those kids, being the one that they depend on.
That used to be me, and back then, I was so happy.
And now you're not? I'm the boss.
It doesn't matter what I feel.
Anyways, I gotta get to a budgeting meeting.
We good? We squashed the beef? - Consider it squashed.
- Great.
Hey, you know, um, just 'cause you're head of the school now doesn't mean you can't still be in the trenches.
Honestly, my school days are so crazy, I don't even know if that's possible.
But what about helping me after school with a new club? Wait until - A fight club.
- The dust settles Sometimes when we're confronted with life's changes, we all try to hold on to the past and what we're comfortable with, even teachers.
They spend so much time helping us that we forget that they grow and change, too.
Luckily, they've got their coworkers and friends around them to support them and help them through anything.
learn You grieve, you learn You choke, you learn Because even though things change, the tradition of cheering each other on will never go out of style.
Hello.
My name is Brett Dier, and I play CB.
And I'm sitting here with the real Reza Alavi.
So, you and Alec Raday really got in this fight.
Absolutely.
- Did you win? - I did not.
How long did this fight last? You know, it seemed like forever, but it was probably 10 seconds.
Did he really pull that hockey move where he pulled your shirt over your head? Yeah, he did.
What did your parents say about the fight? Of course I didn't tell them about the fight so they'll learn from this TV show, but he did step on my glasses, so I had to come up with some story why I needed new glasses.
Who was your favorite teacher at William Penn? There was a lot of good teachers, but I have a lot of fond memories of CB.
- Yeah.
- He was my swim coach.
He was able to make something like putting your head underwater for 20 hours a week fun.
How long can hold your breath? - All the way down the pool.
- That's great.
[Both laugh]