Schooled (2019) s01e11 Episode Script

Glascott Mascot

1 LAINEY: Back in the '90s, sports mascots were all the rage.
Fans went nuts for the sausage races in Milwaukee and the legendary Phillie Phanatic.
But the traditional mascot of William Penn didn't quite capture that same fire.
Ow! [LAUGHTER] MELLOR: All right, enough! There's nothing funny about a pass that far off target.
The Quaker's lame! I quit! Quaker, wait! You can't quit, Quaker.
We have a game tonight.
We need your Quaker energy.
My name is Jessica, and I don't care! I'm done! I get it, okay? A goofy-headed pacifist with an odd toothy smile doesn't exactly inspire a team to crush the enemy, but he's been our mascot for over 100 years.
[SIGHS] What if I could help you? What if the Quaker finally had power? I think I'd like it a lot.
What the hell is this? You gave the Quaker a weapon? I gave the Quaker confidence.
Rick, this is not the kind of image we want associated with our school.
You know, this is why I think we need to come up with a new mascot.
- No way! - Coach, it's the '90s.
Schools, colleges, even pro sport teams are changing their mascots to become more kind and inclusive.
But that is the opposite of what a mascot should be! It needs to invoke fear and aggressive behavior! Then I will personally oversee the creation of this new mascot all by myself.
Whoa, wait.
Sports is my department.
Coaching sports is your department.
Everything else in this school, that's all me.
How about we compromise by giving the Quaker a T-shirt cannon? I know a great cannon guy.
He spots me at the gym.
No cannon, no creepy Quaker.
And also, return this to the harvest display.
Thanks, pal.
Oh, damn! That's real! One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was April 10th, 1990-something, and the final bell had just rung.
The end of work one of the highlights of my day.
- Hey, where you headed? - Home.
I have standing appointments with my girlfriends Ricki Lake and Sally Jessy.
Oh, come on.
Stick around.
This is prime time to make meaningful connection with the students.
You realize those connections are only meaningful for you, right? Hey, CB.
You got a sec? Uh, watch and learn.
Of course, Aaron, What's up, dude? I heard the school used to have a radio station.
I was thinking it'd be cool to start it back up again.
Maybe you could be the club advisor.
Consider yourself advised.
- Yes! - [CHUCKLING] Okay.
A week ago, I encouraged Aaron to get more involved, and boom.
The kid's a Slater-head.
That's why he wants to do radio.
Like A.
Slater from "Saved by the Bell"? - What? - Are you not down with the "Bell"? - Sad.
- I'm talking about Christian Slater.
Aaron literally had him on his shirt.
The kid clearly watched "Pump Up the Volume" and now wants a piece of the cool.
Why only a piece when he can have the whole cool package right here? Come with me.
Let's see.
Who do we have out there tonight, huh? The, uh, usual band of teenage malcontents? See? Christian Slater plays a badass radio DJ who turns his whole school upside down.
Now you see why Aaron Rubin wants to be this guy.
I want to be this guy.
He's such a badass.
Agree on all points.
This movie's awesome.
I've seen it like 60 times, and I remember at least five of them.
We're gonna give these kids the best student radio station ever! Right on.
Let's do this.
He means "we" as in "me," dude.
Pretty sure "he" meant "we" as in "three.
" I meant "we" as in "me and she.
" Oh, come on! That radio equipment is here 'cause of me.
Back when I roamed these halls, I had a radio show the whole school was obsessed with.
- Tell him, Lainey.
- I have no memory of this.
Rush Hour?! 30 minutes of nonstop Rush songs! Why not 60 minutes? I mean, it would make more sense with Rush Hour.
Never thought of that.
I think we're good here, pal.
If you need me, you know where to find me.
LAINEY: So, just like that, the school radio station was brought back to life.
Welcome to our radio show.
Today's topic uh, fish sticks.
Becky, what did you think? They were all right.
Yeah, uh, they were all right.
Oh, man.
This is so "Pump Up the Volume," you know? Yeah, it's just like the moment after the credits, when the screen was black.
I know.
This isn't Slater at all.
Guys, come on.
This is an opportunity to express how you really feel.
Don't hold back.
You're 15.
Life sucks 'cause you're oily and have braces.
You should be angry.
I am angry! Those fish sticks were not all right.
Yeah, I prefer the nuggets.
Good start.
Anything non-nugget or fish-stick-related that pisses you off? Well, I have three tests on Friday, and that, like, sucks.
Don't tell me.
Tell them.
[SWITCH CLICKS] I have three tests on Friday, and that, like, sucks.
No, wait.
It's bull poop.
This is bull crap! - Yeah! - Poop.
As I was getting the kids fired up, Glascott was psyched to show his choice for his new symbol of the school.
Okay, this better be good.
I left a cold protein shake on my desk.
This will be well worth your time.
I present to you, the new and improved mascot of William Penn powerful and yet non-offensive.
Lifting our school to new heights, I give you the Wind! You got to be kidding me.
Now blow a gust of wind.
JESSICA: Did I do it right? Is it out? Oh, yeah.
And at pep rallies, she'll be on roller skates! You really want to die on this hill, John? The principal has made up his mind.
End of discussion.
Look, I got a way we can fix all this.
You make me Athletics Principal, and I'll make sure we hold on to our old mascot.
Athletics Principal? [CHUCKLES] That's your idea? Yeah.
You know, I'd be in charge of everything under the athletics umbrella like sports, and, uh pep rallies, mascotting, and jock strap-ery.
And you'd be in charge of everything else.
You can't section off my job into a bunch of principals.
What's next? Science Principal? Art Principal? Rick, I'm the one and only principal around here, and we're going with the Wind.
Is anybody out there? We have a problem, as, apparently, your deejays like to do daily critiques of my wardrobe.
Today they said my outfit looked like a homeless cowgirl.
Liz, you can't take it personally.
Yeah, I think it's a cute vest.
I'll have you know that this is a sleeveless poncho that was hand-stitched by a Navajo businesswoman just outside of Taos.
I mean, look at this intricate handcrafting It has served its purpose and will return to the earth from whence it came.
Liz, I'm sorry about the kids, but they're just expressing themselves.
Well, I don't appreciate being publicly critiqued by my students.
And the other teachers agree.
But they're learning to rebel and speak their minds.
Yeah, Liz, let's stop being so insecure and encourage their voices for once.
That's right.
Instead of shutting them down, let's hear more.
AARON: Sometimes, it feels like the teachers just aren't on our side.
BECKY: Totally.
Except for Lainey and CB.
They're still looking out for us.
Which is amazing, 'cause lately it seems that they spend most of their time looking at each other.
So true.
It's like, get a room already! Well, this has taken an unexpected turn.
This next song is dedicated to them.
This is Boyz II Men, "I'll Make Love to" [CLICK] [INHALES SHARPY] Now, that's funny.
Oh, my gosh.
- That's funny to me, too.
- Yeah.
Super funny.
I'll let you two have the room.
- Okay.
- You don't have to do that.
All right, take care.
We gotta shut those punks down.
Oh, yeah.
[KNOCKS ON DESK] The Wind is the most idiotic mascot to represent our school, and now I have the board breathing down my neck, so you fix this! Just give it a chance.
Trust me, I'm making the right call.
Mascots aren't your call anymore.
- What? - I am taking athletics off your plate, and I'm giving it to Mellor.
Oh, my God.
He got to you.
No one got to me.
I-I came up with this on my own.
You tell him I'm the Athletics Principal? Damn it, Rick.
I told you to hide by the vending machines.
I can't believe you're gonna listen to his insane idea.
There is no such thing as Athletics Principal.
And how would that work, anyhow? Not my job to figure out the details.
It's my job to make the sweeping change and to let you two take it from there.
Good luck.
We're gonna crush this thing together, huh? I don't wanna crush this together.
Well, geez, I'm just trying to get off on the right foot with my fellow principal.
You just stick to athletics.
I do everything else.
Ah, do your thing.
You won't even know I'm here.
Ha! All right, everyone, let's begin.
Uh, just a few announcements today Yes! Let's get started.
It's meeting time, which for us is game time.
We can do this, team! Rick, what are you doing? I'm co-leading the meeting.
Everyone, I have been formally promoted to this school's new Athletics Principal.
Well, this is a staff meeting, and I'm running it.
The non-athletics part.
- All right, let's just push through.
- All right.
- Item one faculty parking lot.
- Item one faculty party logs.
- We'll be repaving the faculty - We'll be repasting the faculty - parking lot this Tuesday - paper long this Tuesday - so teachers will be directed - so teachers will be directing - to park in the visitors' lot.
- the visitor paper logs.
- Make sure that you get - Maple sugar you pick up - your green passes - your great packets.
- or your car will be ticketed.
- Otherwise, you will be tickled.
- And yes, the overflow - And yes, of course, overlord will be sent to - the students' parking lot - partying will be in the - right, in the Studebaker.
- So try to get here early.
You know, Rick, why don't I do my announcements and then you do yours? You got it, Co-Prince.
[GROANS] There's nothing written on these.
Meeting adjourned! Thanks to the Radio Club, the whole school was gossiping about CB and me.
It was time to rein them in.
Gotta say, been a great first week for the radio station.
- Yes! - LAINEY: You guys are telling it like it is and making a difference.
We could not be more proud.
But others disagree.
Yeah, teachers are pissed.
They want to shut you down.
- What? - But, as the cool ones who started this whole thing, we've come up with a solution that works for everyone.
Lainey? "Pre-Approved Ways To Rebel"? This list is so rad, only the baddest boys and girls dare touch controversial stuff like this.
Yeah, like classroom temperature.
- Taco Tuesday.
- Pencil sharpeners.
- Rain.
- Rain? - Rain.
- Ew.
I hate rain.
So controversial.
This is so lame.
Yesterday we were talking about things that really meant something to us.
Yeah, if we can't talk about what we want, what's the point? I'd rather not do it at all.
Ooh, you know what? This is good.
I like your defiance.
Me too.
Let's shut it down.
Wait, what? You're telling them if you can't run your station the way you want, then you won't do it at all.
That is badass.
Your silence will be louder than your words.
That's not what I said.
Shhah! Silence.
CB and I had shut down the radio station and the gossip about us for good.
Or so we had thought.
What's going on? The radio station it's back! [HIGH-PITCHED] You're listening to the Mad Mouth of William Penn, the voice of the voiceless and the scourge of our oppressors! The transmitter's gone.
Yeah, that means it's real pirate radio.
Don't worry, kiddies.
No one will ever shut me down.
Not even the teacher on the D.
and Mrs.
Traitor! [LAUGHS EVILLY] Maybe he's talking about someone else? CB and Lainey just to be clear.
- Nope.
- We have to stop being seen together.
You stay.
LAINEY: Our plan to silence the kids had backfired, while the power struggle between John and Rick was worse than ever.
You know, come to think of it, make it an even 100 kickballs.
- What the hell? - Hello? They hung up.
Okay, you need to stop this whole Athletics Principal nonsense.
John, if this partnership is gonna work This is not a partnership! I'm the principal of this school.
My God, does it bother you that much that I'm in charge? No! Maybe.
Only when you do dumb stuff, which is a lot! There it is.
You want to be in charge.
That's what this is all about.
- No! - Please.
Everyone knows you wanted this job, and you got angry and disappointed and threw a fit when you didn't get it.
I did not! I was there.
Ball said to me, "You got the job," and then you screamed, "I'm angry and disappointed!" You want to see me fail.
But I won't.
The Wind stays! So does the Quaker.
You want to go to the mat on this? 'Cause I will, pal.
So will I.
We're wrestling for real, right? No! Get out! I'm leaving.
You all know why you're here.
Someone in this room is Mad Mouth.
Anybody want to step up and admit it? It's not anyone here.
But whoever it is, they speak for all of us.
Yeah, I wouldn't turn them in if I knew who it was.
I have total respect for that.
But now the trial begins.
Each of you will read from one of Mad Mouth's hate-filled screeds so we can figure out who's been talking about us.
Well not us.
And yes, us, but the whole school in general.
This isn't gonna help you.
Mad Mouth disguises his voice.
[SCOFFS] I'm a trained musician.
I have an ear for these things.
Mad Mouth will be exposed.
"The administration is run by cowards and pigs who only care about money.
" "CB and Lainey are so annoying.
Clearly, they're hot for each other.
Just get busy already!" - Um, CB, which screed is this? - [WHISPERING] I don't know.
I had Ms.
Jensen's typing class transcribe it for me.
"The bickering, the teasing, the long doe-eyed stares.
And that's just CB.
" I really should've checked this first.
"The bump-and-grind.
" - "Get your freak on.
" - "Knockin' boots.
" "Human pretzel, double-dipped.
" Oh, come on! Doesn't this guy talk about anything else? Whoever it is, just admit it.
It's not us.
Listen, he's on right now.
MAD MOUTH: As I speak, the lovebirds are looking for me, trying to shut me down.
Oh, and we will.
But they won't.
You can't hide from us forever.
Because I can hide forever! Damn.
He's annoying, but good.
Can we go now? Oh.
- Sorry to falsely accuse you.
- Yeah.
Don't tell your parents about this.
- Have a great day.
- It was our fault.
- Tommy, tie your shoe.
- This is a nightmare.
We'll never figure out who Mad Mouth is.
Next up, some tunes from the world's greatest band Rush! Um, or any band.
Doesn't have to be Rush.
But they are the greatest.
Damn it! - Son of a bitch.
- Such a dummy.
Don't you worry, loyal listeners.
Are you kidding me right now? Oh, no! It's The Man.
Atkins signing off.
I mean Mad Mouth.
What the hell are you doing? I told you radio was my jam.
I just liked feeling alive again.
By telling everyone we have a thing going on? But you do have a thing going on.
But we don't have a thing going on! Then why are you two bantering all the time and busting each other's balls? - 'Cause that's what friends do! - Yeah.
I mean, look at him, with his dumb hair and his dumb ties, and, I mean, who wears pants like that? - Okay, well - Sometimes, there are so many pleats, I don't even understand how there can be so many.
Point is, we need to tell Glascott about this.
But I'll be fired.
Well, frankly, you should be, for turning on us the way you did.
At least I didn't turn on the kids! What? We didn't turn on them.
All we did was shut them down when we didn't like what they were saying.
Look, part of my job is I get to be a fly on the wall, and I hear their problems.
They don't think anybody cares what they have to say, and all you did was prove it was true.
Well, your job isn't to speak for them.
You know, I work just as hard as you do.
And, frankly, I actually respect these kids.
Serious Johnny Atkins makes me sad.
LAINEY: Glascott was determined to prove Mellor wrong and premiere his new mascot.
Unfortunately, not everyone was on board.
Jessica? The pep rally's about to start.
Why aren't you in the Wind? Um, because it's ridiculous.
I'm having a whole political battle with the so-called Athletics Principal, and you would be doing me a solid if you put this on.
Not on my watch, Quaker Girl.
Your Athletics Principal is here to save you.
Now put this on and get out there and show them how a Quaker slays the enemy.
Put on my costume and show them how the Wind can lift our school to new heights of sportsmanship and unity! Quakers never stop fighting! The Wind never stops blowing! I'm not doing either! Hope you're happy, John.
Now we have no mascot at all.
Or do we? No.
As Athletics Principal, I demand you don't go out in that! And as the real, actual principal, who will do anything for his school, - I dare you to stop me.
] Blowing in from the east, powerful and strong, I give you William Penn's new and improved mascot.
Let's hear it for The Wind! LAINEY: And with that, Glascott presented his new symbol of William Penn to the students.
They were confused.
GLASCOTT: How come they're not clapping? That's okay, John.
You just gotta kick it up a notch show 'em what The Wind can really do.
- [LAUGHTER] - It wasn't going well.
And it only got worse.
Quaker? Coach Rick! - Ohh! Ohh! - Ohh! Ohh! No weapons! Turns out the two principals were not going down without a fight.
[CHEERING] Literally.
It had been a day since the battle of the mascots, but the war over who was the true principal was still raging.
Okay, moving on.
The sports banquet will be bigger and more delicious than ever this year Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you call a faculty meeting without me? Did I call upon my authority as Athletics Principal? Indeed I did.
Well, all announcements go through me, the Principal Principal, which means I get to say them.
Okay, guys, guys, it really doesn't matter who - All right, well, listen.
- Okay, uh - We will be holding practices - we will be holding practices - for boys soccer from 8:00 to 10:00 - at the boys soccer from 8:00 to 10:00 - which means that girls softball - which would mean that the girls soccer - is now going to take place - is not going to be - on the northwest baseball field.
- taking place on that northwest baseball field.
Gentlemen, please! What the [BLEEP] was that? See? Liz agrees! There's only room for one principal at this school.
so you guys need to make up your minds right now.
- Show of hands! - Hey! Focus up, okay? You two, figure this out and leave us the heck out of it! [SIGHS] Well, this one may be on me.
Of course it is.
You want my job.
Yeah, I do.
I did.
At least I wanted to be asked, to be taken seriously for once.
Rick, I take you seriously.
I always have.
Well, then, why'd you go rogue and make up your own mascot without me? 'Cause I wanted to be taken seriously.
The truth is, if there's anyone not respected in their job, it's me.
Guess we both wanted the same thing.
Only difference is, I'm such a disappointment, part of my job was given to you.
[MATCHBOX TWENTY'S "PUSH" PLAYS] John, you're the only one who would get up in front of all those people dressed as the stupid wind.
Now, if that doesn't make you the heart and soul of this school, then I don't know what does.
I think it's time for you to be the one and only principal again.
Thanks, man.
Coach and Glascott had ended their mascot feud once and for all, but as for CB and I, we still had some work to finish.
Hey, Johnny.
What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I'm done here.
When you guys rat me out and they hear that I'm Mad Mouth, there's no way they'll keep me at this school.
Johnny, we didn't tell anybody that you're Mad Mouth.
You didn't tell Ball about me? Oh, we told Ball about you.
We told him you should be in charge of the radio club.
- What? - Sure.
We told him if he did that, the kids wouldn't need a Mad Mouth because they'd have somebody guiding them who really gets it.
[BOX THUDS] Oh, man.
I can't believe you guys would do this for me.
But just so you know, I'm not giving up my regular job.
[LAUGHS] I wanna push you around Well, I will, well, I will You ready to knock 'em dead out there, Jessica? All right, let's do this.
I can't tell you how impressed I am that you're still willing to go out there in that costume for this school.
Well, what can I say? Anything for William Penn.
But this is probably the last time.
Our school years are often filled with the most real, emotional experiences of our lives for both students and teachers.
And in tough times, where it can feel like we're working against each other, we need to open ourselves up and understand what we're really going through.
I've known that ponytailed man a long time.
I've never seen him so happy.
Well, we make a great team.
Not really.
We actually caused a ton of damage and had to have the school custodian set us straight.
Well, at least we stopped the flirting talk about us from being a thing.
I mean, not a thing between us.
Just a thing.
Believe me, I want nothing to do with any of that stuff, so Right.
Me neither.
The thing is, I I'm kind of hung up on someone, and I didn't realize how hard it would be working here.
You know.
Just a lot of memories.
Well, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.
As a friend.
Thanks, CB.
My memories were of a boyfriend I had back in the '80s.
It was hard to forget our time.
I wanna push you around Well, I will, well, I will I wanna push you down - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Well, I will, well, I will I wanna push you around Hi, I'm Sean Marquette, and I'm sitting here with the real Johnny Atkins.
I want to ask about your lifelong commitment to - the ponytail.
- [LAUGHS] I started growing it in high school.
Mom wasn't real happy about it.
If I pulled it real tight and I looked her straight in the face, it looked like I had short hair.
"Morning, Mom.
Don't look at my profile.
" - That's exactly right.
- [LAUGHING] That's great.
I hear you went dressed as Johnny Atkins for Halloween.
Yeah, I decided to dress up as you dressed up as me.
Turns out really easy outfit.
You just need a Rush shirt and some glasses like this.
What was it like growing up in a small town, like Jenkintown? It was great because you knew everybody, and it was horrible because everybody knew you.
[LAUGHS] Like having a town full of parents.
Did you really play the saxophone in high school? I played saxophone through high school, through college.
Did you get chicks with the saxophone? - No.