Schooled (2019) s02e11 Episode Script

Boy Bands

1 LAINEY: The '90s was the golden age of the boy band.
From Backstreet Boys to NSYNC, it was an ongoing battle to decide which one was king of them all.
And at our school, the debate raged hotter than ever.
Why are we even debating this? If you're gonna rank boy bands, then NSYNC has to be number one.
Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself right now.
It's Backstreet Boys.
It's 98 Degrees.
Nick Lachey is a musical genius.
You're a complete idiot, Harriet.
Lewis? Never thought I'd be saying this.
Can you please start teaching us something? He's right.
This whole argument is insane.
Thank God it's over.
'Cause the all-time greatest boy band is New Kids on the Block.
They invented the whole formula.
- Formula? - Allow me to break it down Wait, wait, wait, sorry, I take it back 'cause I really don't care.
Zip it, Weasel.
This is music class, it's on topic, so take notes, guys.
Every boy band has four members, each with a specific personality type.
First, there's "The Dreamboat.
" ALL: Justin Timberlake.
Next, there's "The Bad Boy.
" He's got edge and tattoos and a thumb ring and a weird facial hair pattern.
ALL: AJ McLean.
And of course, there's "The Shy Guy.
" He's sensitive, non-threatening, and has better highlights in his hair than you do.
My man Lance Bass! Or so I've heard.
And finally, every boy band has that random, awkward older dude who just feels excited to be there.
Kinda like a CB type.
What What's that, now? Oh, hey.
Cool tie, see you later.
Later, Alli alligator.
So, yeah, him.
One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was January 15th, 1990-something, and Glascott was scrambling to replace a member of the faculty.
Johnny G! How's the search for the new school nurse going? Terrible.
Stupid selfish Nurse Steve, bailing on us in the middle of the school year.
To join the Peace Corps and help heal sick children in Burma.
Yes, he's a hero, but we got kids here with pink eye because they put their dookie fingers in their eyes.
You're in luck, because I happen to know a random lady who was the pediatric nurse at Jefferson who got let go because of budget cuts.
That's perfect! Come on in, random lady! Ta-da! [Laughs.]
Hi, boss.
What a pleasant surprise.
Her résumé speaks for itself, but if you need a recommendation from the luckiest man on the planet, I would be happy to bend your ear.
This is great.
It's exciting to have you in the mix.
- A Lotta options out there - Mm-hmm.
but I think we all know she got the job.
- No, she doesn't.
- Yeah, right.
- Thanks for coming in.
- Should I just go? - That'd be great.
- [Laughter.]
But in all seriousness, it's a big fat no.
- Wait, what? - Seriously? You're more than qualified.
But when couples work together it never works out.
But this is us.
We don't even fight.
You are in the phase of your relationship where you find each other's quirks adorable.
But that all changes when you start working together.
How? Because you grow sick of each other and then those adorable quirks, they turn into unbearable flaws.
And then? The hatred sets in.
Well, here's the thing.
We don't have any flaws so it's a non-stop lovey-dovey phase for us.
Well, that's impossible.
Nobody can stay in that phase forever.
Watch us.
[Chuckles, growling.]
Oh, no! Oh, no! Enough with the thumb kissing.
Do you two actually believe that you are perfect and will never grow sick of each other? - Yes.
- Yes.
Then I must say, with immense reservations you have the job, I guess.
- You got the job! - [Screams.]
I did it! Ah, I'm so proud! Glascott's soft side had caved to Coach.
As for Wilma, everyone knew she was the school's biggest hard-ass.
Becky and Harriet, I hear you gossiping back there! - Sorry, ma'am.
- Yeah, sorry, ma'am.
Now you two separate.
But do it quietly.
And it didn't just stop in the classroom.
She was just as tough in her student advisory.
Ronnie, we gotta talk about your joke of a schedule.
If you just pick the easiest classes, it limits where you can go after high school.
It's all good.
I already know exactly where I want to go.
Really? Where? To the top of the charts.
I'm gonna be in a boy band.
Are you for real? Is this for real? I can't tell.
I know, at first I thought boy bands were lame, too.
But after some serious soul searching, I realized my ultimate goal in life is to be rich and famous so I can land hot chicks.
Make sense? No.
Your dream is garbage.
- What? - Get out.
Hey, Wilma.
Can I talk to you for a few-skis? So, um, listen, Glascott wanted me to check in to see how the faculty advising is going.
- Why? - Oh, you know, just because there are some complaints, kids wanting to ditch you as advisor and come to me, Lainey, or Johnny Atkins.
He's the janitor! Who's also nice and encouraging, as opposed to you, who's mean and scares children.
Excuse me?! See, there it is.
So scary.
Look, Wilma, your tough style works in class, but one-on-one, you just gotta listen, understand, and advise.
Which I did.
I listened to his dream.
I understood it was dumb.
And I advised him to get the hell out.
What I mean, though, is the kids, they don't want you to advise them anymore because you can sometimes be a meanie.
They think I'm mean? Oh, I'll show them mean.
They don't want you to be mean.
What they want is for you to be supportive.
They want supportive? I'll show them supportive.
That is the request, and yet you sound very vindictive.
No, I get it.
They want supportive.
I'm gonna support the crap out of them.
Again, the words are right, but the delivery is really spiteful.
Guess what, Ronnie? Wilma's gonna make your dreams come true.
- Huh? - You're gonna be in a boy band! No, you're right.
It's a stupid dream.
I'll just work at my dad's super lucrative accounting firm.
No! You will not go down a sensible career path! I'm gonna help you achieve your stupid dream whether you like it or not.
- But I-I - No buts! Dreams coming true! Now go spread the word that supportive Wilma is open for business.
Yo, CB! My new boy band needs a random, awkward, older dude who just seems excited to be there.
I beg you not to involve me in this, Ronnie.
Classic CB, not supporting our dreams.
You can learn a thing or two from this lady here.
I regret helping you.
And so began the new era of supportive Wilma.
As for Coach and Julie, they were starting their new job together.
And Glascott was wrong.
A few quirks wouldn't change a thing.
Oh, Sorry! I'm a bad parker.
Well, looks like I found your only quirk.
And whattya know, I like you more than ever.
Aw, really? The way you park is perfect.
Just like you.
But then the quirks got weirder.
Ah, cod, my man.
Gimme those Omega-3s! Imbue me with your fish power! Is it me, or do you talk to your food before every bite? Looks like you found my only quirk.
I can stop if you want me to.
Do not stop, it's perfect.
Just like you.
Then the quirks got annoying.
Everyone says that Geno's and Pat's makes the best cheesesteak, but supposably it's this place Donkey's in Camden.
I discovered that place in the '80s.
- Also, it's "supposedly.
" - What's that? You said "supposably," but it's actually "supposedly.
" Another one of your little quirks there.
- [Chuckles.]
- Don't be! The way you mispronounce a shocking amount of words is perfect, like you.
- You are perfect.
- Mm.
By the end of the week, those cute little quirks were flat-out unbearable.
Come on.
It's like you're doing it on purpose.
You said my one quirk was cute.
Well, that's when I thought you only had one, not 87.
Oh! And you're one to talk.
To your trout before every bite.
It's cod, and you know that.
Oh, God.
Are we fighting over fish? No, of course not.
We don't fight.
But we are.
Maybe Glascott was right.
Come on, it's us! We're perfect, and we will never grow sick of each other.
Ah, my lean bison.
You're just packed with iron and zinc and the strength of Tatonka.
Come, let us be one.
Turns out working together is bad for happy lovebirds.
As for Wilma, she was tired of always being the mean teacher.
Hey-oh! Guess who just got discovered in a mall.
You did.
Hi, I'm John Calabasas, and today is your lucky break.
Not for you, 'cause I got pepper spray.
And I've grown immune.
But no worries.
There's plenty of other fresh faces in this mall that would love to be in a music video.
Ah yes, it was the classic '90s video kiosk.
Back then, every mall, Bar Mitzvah, and cheesy wedding had one, and it was epic.
Look at the sign.
We're certified by Kapital Records in Hollywood Florida, no relation to the Capitol Records in Hollywood, Los Angeles.
And it's only 99 bucks! 99 bucks? Isn't that kinda high? For state-of-the-art green-screen technology and video-wipe effects as used by George Lucas in "Star Wars"? Boom! Look, you're in outer space.
Star wipe, boom! Now you're in a lava lamp.
Up-n-down wipe, boom.
Now there's six of you, and you're walking on water.
Can you make any kind of video, like one for a dummy who wants to be in a boy band? Of course.
The music video is the perfect calling card.
In fact, one of the biggest boy bands of our generation got their start in this very mall.
Ever heard of the Backstreet Boys, AKA BSB? Wow, yes! Well, then, you for sure maybe heard of CPK.
California Pizza Kitchen? Cool Posse Kids.
From Doylestown.
Drr! So whattya say? We got a deal? I'm on a mission to prove that I'm not scary and mean.
- So deal! - All right.
I'm gonna make a boy band! Julie's new job had put a strain on things with Coach, but neither wanted to admit Glascott was right.
Hey, there's William Penn's own Florence Nightingale.
Thanks a lot for the flu shot, Julie.
Oh, thank you for giving me this job.
Well, I gotta admit, I was wrong about you working with Rick.
Seems like it's going great, huh? Couldn't be better.
Mmm! So lean, so protein-y.
Can you please just eat the bison already? No one here wants to hear your pre-ample.
And yet everyone here wants to tell you that the word is actually preamble.
Please, tell her.
- Pass.
- I'd rather not.
- I feel uncomfortable.
- What's happening right now? Nothing.
We're perfect.
We haven't even had our first fight.
Not even when Rick refused his flu shot 'cause he's being a baby.
Not fighting, just a fact.
And I told you in a non-fighting way that I don't need a flu shot because my bones produce super-antibodies - which defeat all forms of illness.
- Hmm.
And I'm not fighting when I say this, but we all know that when Rick is scared, he says crazy things that go against science and reason.
I think I speak for everyone when I say uh-oh.
Not fighting, but maybe you could tell the lady to stop busting my balls, since it's bad enough her mother, Carol, does it, right?! - Tell her! - Not fighting, but tell him that everyone in school hates his shorts! ALL: Whoa! No one's fighting, even though I hate her ex-boyfriend Josh.
And I told you we're just friends.
Well, find another friend to play tennis with! It's not okay! Tell her, it's just not okay! No one answer.
Everyone just go.
I'm sorry.
We'll work on it so we don't put the faculty in the middle.
Both to this and to the fact that Josh sucks.
My office, now.
- WILMA: Boom! - ALL: Gah! No need to be scared, I come in peace.
Ronnie, your faculty advisor has found a way for your boy band to make a music video.
Dude! You wanna be in a boy band? No.
I don't even know what she's talking about.
I'm talking about your dream! Even if I super wanted to be in a mega awesome boy band, which I don't, 'cause they suck, I don't even have any other members.
You are so lame, dude.
But also I want to be a part of your musical dream more than anything.
I am looking for someone who can be the shy, sensitive one.
Who, me? Shy enough? Looks like you found your first member.
Now you're in his boy band? My God, you guys are such losers! Which is something the bad boy of the group would say.
- You're in.
- Awesome.
You're the best faculty advisor ever, Mrs.
I don't know why everyone says you're mean and terrifying.
I accept your implied apology.
Come on, let's go write a hit song and buy matching oversize overalls.
See? It's all coming together.
CALABASAS: And cut! Guys, that's the one.
Unless you want to pay $99 to go again, then that would be the one.
No, we crushed it! Wilma! Wilma, I'm here! Got your 911 page.
What's the emergency? Everything okay? Get suited up.
Their music video needs an awkward, random, old guy.
No! I'm not in your boy band.
We all know you're in the boy band.
This is my fault.
I shouldn't have told you what the kids think about you.
Oh, like I didn't know.
No matter where I teach, I'm always mean Mrs.
I thought you didn't care.
Of course I care! It's hurtful and makes me sad but also angry, like I'll show them all.
- And this is the way? - Yes.
Maybe when everyone goes crazy over this fun, little music video I made happen, those kids will realize that I'm not the scary dream crusher they think I am.
In a weird way that makes sense.
So you'll join the boy band? No.
God, you gotta stop, Wilma.
I'll work on him.
GLASCOTT: Well, well, well.
If only someone here would've predicted that working together would implode your relationship.
I know.
None of us saw it coming.
What?! I did! I literally mapped out exactly what would happen! We gave it a shot.
Clearly, it's best if I just resign.
So you can hold it over my head for the rest of your life? No way! I resign.
You're gonna resign just to prove a point? - Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Then I un-resign and I'm staying indefinitely.
Nobody resigns until I say they resign! Fine, then I quit.
You can't quit.
You're a pillar at this school and more important than a nurse that's been here for a week.
Does that mean I've been fired? Don't you dare fire her.
I won't allow it.
Again, it's not your call.
John, if you really are my friend, damn it, you'll fire me right now! Will you just fire him so we can be done with this? Oh, wait, you want me to be fired? John, I want my job back so I can stay here forever with her! End of discussion! - Fine! - Fine! Okay, who's quitting and who's staying? I lost track.
While Julie and Mellor left on a sour note, Wilma was ready to show everyone her sweet, supportive side.
Before we finish today's lab, I have a question.
Show of hands, how many of you think that I am mean and/or scary? Shows what you guys know.
H is the dreammaker.
Yeah, and she's the one who strong-armed us into forming Street II Men.
What the crap is Street II Men? Watch and learn, students.
['90s pop music plays.]
Street II Men is dancing on your street tonight Whoa, oh, oh Men II Street is singing in your dreams tonight Whoa, oh, oh Men II Street, on your feet Feel the heat tonight I'm a dreamboat I'm the hottest guy here And I'm the only one who's gonna have a solo career I'm the shy guy I kinda hang in the back I have crippling anxiety and panic attacks Well, I'm the bad boy Who looks like he might carry a knife And I'll be in 'n' out of rehab For the rest of my life And there's this random old dude Who looks out of place And he always says I'm not in the band! Get that camera out of my face! Street II Men is dancing on your street tonight Whoa, oh, oh Men II Street is singing in your dreams tonight Whoa, oh, oh Men II Street, on your feet Feel the heat tonight WILMA: That's right, mean ol' Mrs.
H is fully responsible for this video.
Hey, why are you all laughing? It's like they took the worst parts of every boy band song and mashed them together.
Why were you wearing ski pants on a spaceship? 'Cause our love's icy hot and outta this world.
How's that not clear? Okay, but why were you all hanging around in T-shirts on one bed? Why were we on that bed? [Laughter.]
Oh, my God, this song is awful and my dreams are shallow.
- [School bell rings.]
- Your faculty advisor/dreammaker will fix this! Don't.
You've done enough already.
WILMA: I guess you were right.
My big, angry attempt to show them nice Wilma only made it worse.
Look, I know you're hurt by how the kids see you To be clear I'm very hurt.
But I'll always be me, so it's best if I just get used to it.
In just one week, Julie's stint as school nurse was done.
Well, I guess that's it.
Thanks again for giving me this opportunity.
- Not so fast.
- Oh, God, he's back to fight more.
I'm here to fix this.
You see, I realized there is a way to make this work.
I'm gonna get rid of all my quirks.
Julie wants me to wear pants then I'll wear pants.
For love.
I don't know what's happening, but I'm certain that's not a thing.
This is unsettling.
I'm just new to the process.
Well, you're doing it wrong, man! Do it right! - If I stand my - What is this? Just bend your knees like a normal human person.
- My legs will adjust.
- It's hard to watch.
Just walk normal, please! Stop yelling at me, I'm doing my best! I didn't ask you to change! Not like this! See? Mellor wears shorts, Wilma is scary.
We are who we are! It doesn't mean you can give up.
There's a way to be Wilma - and support these kids in your own way.
- MELLOR: Ah, man.
Ah, somebody please help me! Maybe you're right, maybe all that matters is I'm there for the kids even if they find it mean and scary.
Well, just do one leg at a time! You're jamming it up down there! Rick, if you take a seat, you can do the left foot [Indistinct shouting.]
All right, Street II Men.
Enough pouting, time to fix this.
Fix it? You made us a laughing stock to the whole school! I did do that, yes.
I was just trying to be supportive.
Sure, maybe it seems it's tough and scary, but that's just me.
And unlike all your other teachers, when you got Wilma on your side, you got the cold, hard truth and red-hot results.
Only result was school-wide mockery.
So your first music video was a disaster.
Still showed that you guys got killer moves and voices.
So get off your asses and go show everyone what you got.
Street II Men has broken up.
For now.
But as we all know, every great boy band stages an epic comeback reunion tour.
Says who? Says the awkward, old guy in the group.
You're not even in the band.
We all know I'm in the band.
Forget it, dude.
That song got us laughed out of the room.
Then I say our boy band does a song that no one can resist.
["As Long As You Love Me" instrumental plays.]
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine Dude, stop! I'm leavin' my life in your hands You're making it worse for us.
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind Please don't.
Risking it all in a glance Really should help him out.
And how you got me blind is still a mystery I can't get you out of my head Don't care what is written in your history As long as you're here with me BACKSTREET BOYS: I don't care who you are Where you're from What you did As long as you love me Who you are Where you're from What you did As long as you love me And so CB and Wilma inspired a comeback tour for the ages.
Even though we all debated who was the greatest boy band of the '90s, that day, everyone agreed for one fleeting moment it was Street II Men.
Julie, wait.
["As Long as You Love Me" continues playing faintly.]
Don't quit this job.
This school could use a nurse like you.
What about us? We went from not having one fight to having every one possible.
Exactly! Does it bother me that you can't park or that you obsess over the dishwasher or that you hate ketchup but love tomatoes? Yes, it's insane.
The point is, if those are your worst flaws, then I'll take them.
I'll take all of it because your quirks are what make you my Julie, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Then I'll keep being my quirky self.
And you keep wearing shorts.
- I don't care who you are - Who you are Where you're from No one's perfect.
We all have crazy quirks and impossible dreams, and we're often seen in ways that we wish weren't true.
But the thing is, it's a whole lot easier to accept yourself when you're surrounded by people who believe in you.
Hey, Mrs.
Could really use some help from my faculty advisor.
You know, trying to figure out where to go after high school.
I thought it was top of the charts.
Well, actually, after your scary pep talk, I was thinking maybe less boy band and more music college.
Now we're talking.
As long as you love me Truth is, at the end of the day, all of your flaws are what make you perfect.
As long as you love me Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine Ugh, change the station.
- [Static.]
- People say Oh, damn it, it's everywhere.
It's fine, just leave it.
No, I can't do it, I'm out.
Risking it all in a glance How you got me blind is still a mystery I can't get you out of my head Stupid song.
Don't care what is written in your history As long as you're here with me I don't care who you are BOTH: Whe - Forgot my kettlebell.
- As long as you love me
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