Schooled (2019) s02e12 Episode Script


1 LAINEY: Back in the '90s, our clothes were what defined us, but like most schools, we had a dress code the kids were always violating, like wearing jeans that have been ripped or straps that were spaghetti or even tops that had been tubed.
But there was no bigger dress-code offender than the funny off-color T-shirts.
Hey! Co-Ed Naked Baseball? Is that some kind of joke? - Yeah, it's funny, right? - Not to me.
The lascivious implication is an affront to co-ed sports everywhere.
And you! Get over here! How dare you promote the sport of co-ed naked soccer? Lighten up, Coach.
They sell these at Banana Republic.
Oh, I got mine at Structure.
It's like The Gap, but cooler, because they got Greco-Roman pillars.
It's a blatant violation of the school's dress code, and you know what that means.
Sweet God, no, please.
Not the bin.
Oh, yes.
The bin.
You know the rules.
Every student at this school is required to dress BOTH: Neat, clean, and appropriate.
And an untucked T-shirt glorifying a butt-naked sporting event is BOTH: Neither neat nor clean nor appropriate.
Very good.
Now get out.
Yep, Glascott was on a mission to make sure every student followed the rules.
Uh, excuse me.
That skirt is in clear violation of the dress co Oh.
You're not a student.
You're a Lainey.
Thank you? Come on, the dress code clearly states that no skirt should be shorter than your fingertips when your arms are down by your sides.
I know that, and I'm good.
See? All the way down.
This is where they naturally land.
I'm sorry.
I want your arms down by your sides like a sloth, right now.
I want sloth arms.
And violation.
The dress code shouldn't even apply to me, John.
I'm a teacher.
If anyone should obey the rules, it's you.
I'm sorry, but we got to take a trip to the bin.
Listen to me.
I will never, ever wear a dank, oversized shirt from the bin, so help me God.
One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was January 22nd, 1990-something, and Coach Mellor and his girlfriend, Nurse Julie, were enjoying their morning ritual.
One cup of "Good Morning America" for my lady.
Two lumps of sugar and a dash of milk, just like the good Lord intended.
What would I do without you, Rick? You would eat a lot less root vegetables, Nurse Julie.
- You guys are weird.
- But professional! You see, normally, I would give her a kiss goodbye, but this is a place of business, so I'm going to send her off with an appropriate farewell canoodle.
Mm! - Mm.
- Mm.
For the record, canoodling is a thousand times more disturbing than a kiss.
Not for the canoodl-ees, Ms.
There truly is no feeling like mashing faces with the one you love.
Whoa! Wait, love? You dropped the L-bomb? Oh, God, no.
I love Julie too much to actually let her know I love her.
You see, every time I tell a lady friend I love her, it ends in disaster.
I either say it too early or I say it at the wrong time.
I even said it to an answering machine.
That did not help me in court.
So, you're never gonna tell Julie you love her? Not with my mouth and words.
But this weekend, I am giving her the perfect six-month anniversary gift that says "I love you" without actually having to say it.
Whatcha thinking? I've narrowed it down to a few romantic gems that speak to what's really deep down in my heart.
Blue lady shorts? Like mine, but for a lady, because I love her.
You know what gift really says "I love you"? What? Tell me.
Actually saying "I love you"! Oh, you do that well.
Maybe you could tell her I love her.
- No! - Well, someone has to tell her.
Wait, that's it.
Every time I go see my fam, I always tell them how much I love Julie.
They will definitely spill the beans when they finally meet her.
Introducing her to the family? Wow.
That's big.
It's time Julie meets the most important people in my life.
Julie, I want you to meet my football family! ALL: Julie! Wait, we're we're not meeting your actual family? God, no.
I wouldn't waste a Sunday talking with those crazy people.
This right here is my real support in life.
We've all had season tickets forever.
Meet Fishtown Frankie, One Yard Jack.
We got Willy wit' Whiz, and we got Willy wit' out Whiz.
Get ready for the most exciting 6 1/2 hours of your life! Wait.
How long is this game? Are you hungry? The Vet's got the best soft pretzels in all of Philly.
You can have my end nub if you want.
It's the best part.
No, thank you, Fishtown Frankie.
Boy, you were right about this one, Ricky.
She's polite and pretty.
Tell her what else I said, like how she makes me feel.
I think it's obvious.
He's head-over-heels in ALL: Oh! Damn it! As Coach's plan got delayed, Glascott arrived with urgent news.
Shut up, everyone! We got a legitimate emergency on our hands! - What happened? - Oh, my God.
- Is everyone okay? - It's a dress-code emergency! - You are the devil, John! - Damn you, man! We've got school tours all this week, and Earl Ball said to crack down on the dress code, so I've sent so many kids to the bin that I've run out of triple XL muumuus! - How many naked co-ed sports are there? - 58.
Co-ed naked sports was just the beginning.
They keep pushing the limits to what inappropriate pun they can print on a T-shirt.
- Like this.
- Oh, God.
Is that worm coming out of the bucket supposed to be a That's right, Elizabeth.
It's a dong.
- Mm.
- Can you believe it? - A dong! - Ha! Okay, we need to amend the school dress code ASAP.
We're talking no clothing with any kind of sports logos or band names or cartoon characters.
Sorry, but no exceptions, CB.
From now on, you wear regular ties only.
But these hilarious ties are what makes me me, okay? I wear my heart on my sleeve on my tie.
Look, clothes are how people express themselves, kinda like how my super-cute Pearl Jam tee says I'm cool as balls.
If I allow your band, then I have to allow bands like this.
Butthole Surfers? That can't be real.
And popular.
To be safe, no more band names.
Sorry, Johnny.
Rush included.
Take that T-shirt off.
You got it, boss man.
Shirt back on! Shirt back on! Look, you can't just ban entire groups of clothing.
We just got to clearly define exactly what clothes are neat, clean, and appropriate and which aren't.
Well, then, let me define it.
Marvin the Martian is hereby acceptable.
There's a lot at stake here, so I think it should be headed up by someone with style.
You're right.
I'll do it.
I was talking about me, Liz.
I thought you said style.
ALL: Ooh! Look at you, doing the wave like a natural.
Is this great or what? Listen, you would agree that we have a strong relationship, right? I'd say it's more than strong.
I'd say our relationship is jacked.
So, it won't matter if I admit that I'm not actually an Eagles fan? If you're not an Eagles fan, then w-w-what's your team? Bucs? Bears? Bills? Sweet Mother of Mercy, do not say Cowboys.
No, you're not getting it, Rick.
I-I don't have a team because I don't like football.
What do you like? Baseball? Basketball? - No.
- Squash? Stop naming sports.
It's It's just not my thing.
Since when? We watched all those games together.
Because we just started dating.
But like you said, our relationship is jacked, so it shouldn't change anything, right? ALL: Whoa! Epic game yesterday.
How'd it go with Julie? Anyone drop the L-bomb? No.
No L-bombs.
But, uh, she did manage to blow up my entire world.
Turns out she was only pretending to like the Eagles.
So? It's all good, as long as she's not a whack-ass Cowboys fan.
Is she a Cowboys fan? She doesn't like any teams 'cause she doesn't like football.
- So, she likes baseball? - Nope.
- Volleyball? - She doesn't like sports! What?! Is she some kinda maniac?! Hey, that's the love of my life you're talking about! But yes, she may be a maniac! I mean, I can't believe this.
I always thought I'd end up with a female version of myself.
A female Mellor.
A FeMellor.
But I guess not.
I'm so sorry, Rick.
GLASCOTT: All right, Liz, what kind of clothing do you find neat, clean, and appropriate? Well, for girls, clearly, a stylish pantsuit and a funky tortoise-shell barrette.
Good stuff, Liz.
And for the boys? I'd like to enter into the record a 10-page report that I wrote.
It's called "My Ties, My Choice: An Argument Against the Dress Code.
" I can't wait not to read that.
I'm gonna ignore you entirely and say the boys should wear cool khakis, a crisp button-down, and a matching sweater vest.
- Fine choices, John.
- Are you two kidding me? You're just writing down exactly what you're wearing.
Because what we wear is neat, clean, and appropriate.
You know, how a teacher should dress.
Are you saying I don't dress like a teacher? [Chuckling.]
No, no, she's not saying that.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Look, she's wearing a swimsuit and flip-flops.
For your information, I got this top at Express, in the "Look Hot at Work" section.
And these are Steve Madden fashion-forward work sandals.
- They don't flip or flop.
- Oh, please.
You've been flipping and flopping around here all week, girl.
Yes, I have noticed multiple flips and flops when you walk in those.
I'll prove it.
- [Smack.]
- Boom! There it was! A flip, followed by a flop.
I personally did not hear the flip, but a flop was heard.
Okay, fine.
My cute shoes occasionally flop, and I don't dress like a teacher, and thank God, because I would never, ever want to be caught looking like her.
And why would that be a problem? You look like Paula Poundstone's unfunny aunt.
How dare you insult Paula Poundstone's sensible comedic wardrobe.
Back me up here, CB! I have no opinion on pantsuits, but when will people hear me out on the ties? Okay, this is starting to feel a tad counterproductive.
I'm just saying, we shouldn't force the students to dress like something Janet Reno farted out.
Likewise, the students shouldn't dress like the grizzled, non-speaking extras who worked the street corners in "Pretty Woman"! Now it's gone from counterproductive to deeply personal.
Nothing personal.
I'm just saying Liz wears clothes that look like butt.
I am a strong, independent woman, okay? [Voice breaking.]
So, I could care less about what you think, 'cause you are the butt.
Are you crying? These are tears of strength, because we win.
Your street-trash clothes are off the list, Pretty Woman! [Voice breaking.]
Well, I'm flattered you think I look like America's sweetheart Julia Roberts.
And you're very mean.
Okay, well, you hurt my feelings, so you are the mean! [Both sob.]
So, where did we land on the ties? After Mellor found out the love of his life didn't love sports, Wilma found herself stuck in the middle.
Okay, fine! I-I don't like sports.
Why is that such a big deal? For guys like Mellor, sports are a lifestyle, and if you're not on board, then you're destined to be a sad sports widow.
- Sports wha? - Widow.
Someone who loses their significant other to football every Sunday and Monday night.
I can deal with that.
And every Saturday night is out 'cause of college football.
Same with Friday night, when Rick coaches here.
So, the entire fall is a wash, but we'll we'll make it up in winter.
That's basketball and hockey season.
And then comes baseball in the spring and summer, which circles right back into football.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna be a sports widow.
Hey! Got you your morning cup of Joe already.
Rick, we we need to talk about this whole sports-widow thing.
- No, wait.
Julie, me first.
- [Cup clanks.]
There's something I want to say to you.
I love This was it.
He was gonna finally drop the L-bomb.
Or not.
And I think you're really nice, too.
So nice that this Sunday, it'll be just you and me.
Screw the game.
It's Eagles vs.
Stupid Giants and their big-city attitudes.
"Oh, I'm from New York City! Let's hail a cab and eat awesome pizza!" - I hate them! - Just watch the game on Sunday.
I already have plans to go to Lilith Fair.
Lilith Fair? Why didn't you tell me? That's my favorite of all fairs.
Really? Like, you'd want to go with me? Yes! See? We can live a happy, normal, non-sports life.
- Aw! - Rawr.
Do you have any idea what Lilith Fair is? I assume it's a celebration of television and Broadway superstar Bebe Neuwirth.
Lilith from "Cheers"? Really? Well, she's the only famous Lilith there is.
You should have just said "I love you"! Please, teach me everything there is to know about this Lilith and her fair.
There is no Lilith! But fine.
As Coach set out to prove his love, CB and I were proving a point of our own.
We'd show Liz and Glascott we could obey the dress code by dressing exactly like them.
Mmm! I smell a fresh pot of French Roast.
I would love a mug.
Uh, what are you guys doing? - Nothing.
- Same ol'.
You're dressed exactly like us.
All I'm doing is obeying the dress code with this boxy, shapeless pantsuit.
Yeah, and I'm just being me, wearing this tasteful sweater vest sans whimsical tie.
Oh, God, who have I become?! Okay, exactly what is the point here? Point is, with you two in charge of the dress code, we'll all just be button-down, frumpish goofuses.
Well, I, for one, think you look fantastic.
CB, I'm loving this new look on you.
Is that JCPenney? 'Cause it feels like - Yep.
- It is JCPenney.
I knew it.
I'd spot their fall collection anywhere! Keep up the good work, buddy.
No, don't praise us! We're trying to look absurd to prove a point.
Well, you've only proven that I'm right.
I mean, if anything, I should dress like you to show you how ridiculous you look.
Please, Liz.
You wish you could dress half as fly as me.
You have no idea what you've just done.
With that, Liz wore the biggest dress-code violation the school had ever seen.
Needless to say, she'd gone overboard.
Like, way overboard.
Holy God.
Oh, what? I'm just in everyday teacher garb.
No different from what you wear.
It's totally different! You're wearing the dress from "Pretty Woman.
" This skirt is the same length as some of those fly get-ups that you were bragging about earlier, proving my point that you should dress more like a teacher because this is not a good look.
I think we both know I've won.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Oh, no! What are you wearing?! Dear Lord, Liz! With the people?! They see you, but they lack the context! I'll handle this, John.
Welcome, prospective parents.
I'm Liz Fleming.
I teach geometry and also girls' track.
- Just go.
- Okay, going.
Okay, listen up.
I've compiled a whole lesson plan with everything you need to know about Lilith Fair.
Just teach me the basics so I can show Julie that I care about her thing.
It all starts with this.
Indigo Girls? Two childhood friends named Amy and Emily begin performing passionate, fearless folk rock that paves the way for artists like Lisa Loeb, Jewel, and that creepy sex zombie, Fiona Apple.
The most important song you'll hear tomorrow is "Closer to Fine.
" You need to know it by heart.
Why? What's the big deal? It's every woman's siren song.
The moment we hear it, we have to drop whatever we're doing and sing along.
Ah, yeah.
Like Van Halen's "Jump.
" I'm in.
Hit me.
Listen and learn.
[Shaker rattling.]
I'm tryin' to tell you somethin' 'bout my life Oh, boy.
Maybe give me insight between black and white What's going on right now? And the best thing you've ever done for me This is nothing like Van Halen.
Is to help me take my life less seriously [Guitar plays.]
It's only life, after all Whoa! Where'd you come from? Heard the song, so I'm here.
Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable It's like you're both hypnotized.
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear I feel very uncomfortable! I wrap my fear around me like a blanket Where do you keep coming from?! I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it I'm crawling on your shores I [bleep.]
love this song! I went to the doctor Go back to the dress-code fiasco! to the mountains I looked to the children [Music stops.]
So, what do you think? I think my relationship is doomed.
Closer I am to fine As Coach and Julie were on the outs, we were in trouble with Glascott.
Well, I hope you're happy! Instead of impressing those parents, we gave them a math teacher who was dressed like a mistress of the night! And even worse? All those people saw me wearing a plain old tie obscured beneath a drab sweater vest.
Earl Ball is so mad, he decided to fix this mess himself.
- What does that guy know about fashion? - Nothing.
He's making us go back to the school's original dress code, which had clear-cut guidelines.
- Like, from when the school began? - Yes! But the school was founded by William Penn in 1689.
Atkins, Front Desk Martha.
If you please? Sweet Wilford Brimley, no! As you can see, these clothes are neat, clean, and appropriate.
And also, it's all your fault! This is crazy.
Now I can't even wear a regular tie 'cause ties haven't even been invented yet? Personally, I dig it.
- What? - What? Proceed.
Seriously? You're gonna make everyone dress like Quakers just so I can't wear a cute skirt and sandals? Oh, my God.
They're flip-flops, and you know it.
Face it.
You have had it out for me ever since I started working here.
Don't turn this around on me.
Okay, my whole life, I've been teased and mocked by girls like you.
- Girls like me? - Yeah.
Pretty girls and stylish girls, girls who knew how to use a round brush.
Okay, the trick is sectioning off the hair I don't want to know, okay? I'm never gonna know, and that's fine.
I pride myself on being strong and confident and not caring what people like you think.
[Voice breaking.]
But it turns out I do care.
All you do is judge me, and it hurts.
You know what really hurts? When people like you take one look at me and just assume I'm the popular mean girl.
I've worked really hard to prove that's not who I am.
Oh, great.
They're making tears again.
It's fine.
Liz and I finally know where we stand with each other.
This thick wool does not breathe, dude.
Ooh! Yes.
Go stand over there.
With his relationship with Julie at stake, Mellor realized he had to do whatever it would take to save it.
Let's get ready to Lilith Faaaair! - Really, dude? - What? What's with the giant hat? Oh, this? Uh I-I don't know.
It just seemed like a hat kind of day.
Really? So, you're not hiding anything under there, like maybe a bulky radio headset so you can secretly hear the game? Baby, I told you.
Today is about you.
Come on! Let's go.
Holding?! I'm gonna be holding you all day at Lilith Fair.
I can see the antenna sticking out of the top.
In my defense, you weren't supposed to.
Enjoy the game, Rick.
Wait, no, hold on.
I-I'll take off my secret football hat, okay? We'll go to Lilith Fair.
I'm sure they have a bar there with the game on.
Face it.
We just like different things, and yours is all-consuming and means everything to you.
No, you mean everything to me, so much so that I actually learned about your music, and, honestly, it kinda grows on you.
You just want me to think that you loved my thing like how I wanted you to think that I loved sports.
Honestly that's not what I want.
What you want is your perfect FeMellor to spend your life with.
And I'm just not sure that that's me.
Coach needed to prove her wrong, so he turned to his Lilith Fair knowledge and sang the song no woman could resist.
I'm tryin' to tell you somethin' 'bout my life Holy crap.
Maybe give me insight between black and white You learned this for me? And the best thing you've ever done for me [Voice breaking.]
It's off-key, but it's beautiful.
- [Shaker rattling.]
- Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable I heard it, so I came.
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear - [Guitar plays.]
- I wrap my fear around me like a blanket I heard it, too.
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it I'm crawling on your shores I went to the doctor I went to the mountains - This song trumps my anger at Lainey.
- I looked to the children - I feel the same.
- I drank from the fountains And the less I seek my source for some definitive Closer I am to fine Yeah I love you, Nurse Julie.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
I'm sorry I never said it before, but I was just afraid that if I did, I'd lose you.
Why would you think that? Because every time I've said it in the past, it always goes all wrong.
But not this time.
'Cause I feel the same way.
Yes! Please go.
Hell no.
I'm part of this.
Look, i-it's amazing that we can finally say it, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't do sports.
And I'm not asking you to, 'cause as much as I love my teams I love you more.
I love you, too, Rick Mellor.
INDIGO GIRLS: Closer I am to fine, yeah Closer I am to fine, yeah I gotta say, even though we're fighting, we still sing some pretty kick-ass harmonies.
Damn you, Indigo Girls.
You can bring together even the worst of enemies.
Liz, I don't want to be your enemy.
I want to be your friend.
Really? Yes.
I'm sorry I've been so judgy.
And even though I hate to admit it, I I've always kind of wanted a cool friend like you.
If you ask me, you're brilliant and strong and you know who you are.
There's nothing cooler than that.
Oh, my God.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Now, what do you say we save this school from Quaker hell and fix this dress code once and for all? Well, darkness has a hunger And so the school finally settled upon a dress code, which was written up by me and a close friend of mine.
Cute blazer.
Cute flip-flops.
Oh, they're Steve Madden work sandals.
We, of course, made some tweaks to what was appropriate.
Whoo! [Laughing.]
Yeah! I am me again! Thank you! Sometimes in life, the people we're closest to can surprise us.
[Voice breaking.]
Damn it.
Now I'm making tears.
We see them a certain way for so long that when they reveal a different side of themselves, it can be tough to accept, But when you love someone, you'll do anything to be with them, even if it means having to make a few compromises.
'Cause in the end, if you set aside your differences, you'll see that person for who they really are, and you just might find it makes you closer than ever.
Closer I am to fine, yeah [Ding!.]
As always, here is your cup of coffee.
Two lumps of sugar, a dash of milk, just the way you like it.
At least you told me you like it that way.
Maybe you were just being nice? I-I can put three lumps of sugar.
Or four lumps, five lumps.
I can keep lumping.
It It's just a cup of coffee.
Although, i-it feels like a good time to let you know that I actually prefer tea.
Ha! If it's tea you want, Rick Mellor will tea you up.
I got Ginger.
Egyptian Licorice! Chai.
Lapsang souchong.
Earl Grey? Darjeeling.
Nightly Calm.
It's not nighttime, though.
100% pure oolong tea.
Japanese sencha.
Pure rooibos.
What do you like? Tell me what you like.
Peppermint? I have no peppermint.

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