Scot Squad (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

1 NARRATOR: Welcome to Scotland, historically the northernmost country in Great Britain.
But it isn't all sweet tablets, tattie scones and teacakes, especially not for the new unified police force that now polices the country with force.
Join us as we tell the teams trailing the many terrains of the tartan territory.
They're brave, they're tough, they arethe Scot Squad! This programme contains adult humour.
Some call it Alba, some call it Caledonia, and some five million people now call Scotland home, but only one chief commissioner, Cameron Miekelson, can call it his office.
Wherever I am is the centre of Scotland.
So if I'm up in Thurso, for that period of time, that is the centre.
That is the main office.
Now that we've gone national and I'm looking over everything, I have to know all the towns.
Shieldaig.
SIREN WAILS OUTSIDE There it is.
Shieldaig.
Obviously, Shetlands, that's not where they actually are.
My roof, if you go up there, the roof isn't big enough About there.
Crime is centred around this kind of area.
You still get the odd thing.
The odd crime here and there.
But there's a lot of stuff going off here all the time.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
And then once in a while, they'll be really quiet and then, suddenly, 16 bodies in a shed! I'm really sorry for taking you away from your dinner.
The chips are down when volunteer officer Ken Beattie drops his supper to answer an SOS from a local woman with a grievance.
I just want it sorted once and for all, you know? Can you hear that? It's coming right out into the bloody street.
OK.
Look at the state of them.
Bunch of cows.
- Oh, deary me.
- WOMEN SINGING LOUDLY You can hear it all the way through the hall.
- Your hall? - Aye.
Through my full house.
- OK.
My wall's bloody shaking and everything.
It's very loud, right enough.
I can't hear what they're singing.
You think you can go in and have a word? I could hear the noise and it was very, very excessive, you know? So, I realised then I had to act.
I had to stand up and do my duty.
WOMEN SINGING RAUCOUSLY Could I have a word please? What? I've had a complaint.
They'd like to keep the noise level down, please.
- Complaints from who? - I can't divulge that information.
Have you got a camera on that? - Can they see me down at the station? - No, they Hello, boys.
How are you? Could you please just concentrate for a minute? Ken? Ken! - It's Jamie-Lee! - Yes, eh Have you come back for me? Is that what this is about? - No, eh - Right, come on in.
I've got my pals in.
Look, I really can't.
You want to do this out in the street or no? No, cos you're making more noise than before.
Look at that lovely red hair you've got.
- It's actually strawberry blonde, OK? - Come in for five minutes.
- Fine, just - What else have you got to do? - Well, do my job.
- Right, come on then.
Shut the door.
Right, hurry up.
Wipe your feet.
- I'm wiping my feet.
- Right, come on.
That's Lauren, right.
That's Roslyn.
Right, this is Cheryl.
I'm Jamie-Lee, as you know, right.
Give us a kiss.
Right, come on.
Let's have a wee bit of a dance.
No, no, again You need to keep the noise down, ladies.
- This is incredibly inappropriate.
- What you talking about? Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me.
That's it, doll! In love, in fear, in hate Come on, now! Shush, shush, shush! Miss McGurk, please.
You really need to keep the noise down.
You need to keep the noise down, OK? Your neighbour's been complaining about the noise levels.
That cow next door? I can't divulge that information, so - What's her name? - I'm not telling I don't know her She whispers out to me, she's shouting, "Jamie-Lee.
" - I hear her.
She's - BLEEP - cuckoo, that's what she is.
Do you know what else she does? She chaps the window and all that and then hides.
You know them ones that hide? I'm not standing for this.
I live here, as well.
- Let's just calm down here.
- I'm away.
I'm away! I'm away! Please, come back, Miss McGurk.
When passions run hot, the cops need a cool head.
At the Scot Squad HQ, Maggie LeBeau is a chilled, calm voice of reason What size, roughly, is the spoon? .
.
cutting to the core of any crisis.
I mean, are you sure your friend is definitely unconscious? OK, you're not sure.
Could you just stick them on the phone for me, please? Hi, there.
Erm Are you unconscious? Right, OK.
You can tell your friend that you're definitely not unconscious.
Back at Beattie's battle royale, Ken carefully assesses the domestic ding-dong and tries to calm down the rowdy row-makers.
- What is your problem? - You're my bloody problem.
- I can hear that rattling right through my - BLEEP - walls.
I think you'll find that I'm on the law's side until 11 o'clock.
- Well, actually - I told you to get.
There's a level of noise that you are allowed.
It's called noise pollution.
You're polluting.
I know you pay full rent, right.
I'm not interested in your situation.
- And you get yours paid for you.
- No, I'm on the sick.
What are you talking about? I've got a disability, actually.
- You need - Shut up.
I'm telling you, I was having a party in there.
Aye, and I cannae hear myself bloody think.
I'm trying to read a book in here.
- A book! - Aye, a book! - Oh, you swallowed a dictionary, have you? - No.
You read a book? - Miss Marple! Is that what you're reading? - It's not Miss Marple.
Is it Midsomer Murders, then, aye? Time-out, ladies.
Please be quiet, both of you, OK? You're now both making a noise.
I have an idea, OK.
I mediated the argument and I came to a solution that that they should do a book club rather than a karaoke club.
So everyone was a winner.
I think that's a great idea.
Well, I read.
How do you not do something like that instead of karaoke club causing all of that carry-on? Listen, my maw's not long passed away.
It's been a hard time for me.
I'm not being funny.
I'm just trying to let my hair down, like the rest of us.
I mean, you maybe have a bath and that, but I like to have a couple of wines and that and get the buffet out.
- Just come in for a drink.
- As long as there's no karaoke.
There's no k I'll put it off, all right.
Go and get your books.
I'll show you mine, right.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
- Know what I mean? - THEY LAUGH Members of the public may find it reassuring to see a familiar face day in All right, Officer Karen.
All right, Officer Karen.
That's me just filling out the suggestions, Officer Karen.
.
.
day out.
You'll never guess what I seen out on the main road there.
A dog was hanging out the window and it was like that.
HE HOWLS It was like that with the fresh air.
But some days are just a little bit different.
Officer Karen, I was just wondering if you have Oh You're not Officer Karen.
Is Officer Karen on holiday or something? Do you know when she'll be back? Are you here to replace her? Oh Sorry.
Come on! HE SHOUTS Officer Karen HE SHOUTS Can I have my jacket back, please? No, if you can just leave the sheet where it is, someone will come and dispose of it.
OK.
Thanks very much.
- Officer Karen.
Officer Karen.
- Bobby I never knew you were coming back.
It's good to see you back.
I thought you left.
I've just been on nights the past week.
Officer Karen, I've came in all week and there was this guy and he was bullying me.
I was trying to ask questions and he took my jacket off us as well.
I want to put in a customer service complaint.
That's him there! That's the guy who took my jacket and he said my face was fat.
You're saying that Sergeant Donaldson 100%.
100%.
Can I have a form so I can make an official complaint, please? You can.
Bear in mind this is an official form so anything that you put on this is going to be dealt with accordingly, so, if you're sure.
Yes, 100%.
Put it down.
Sergeant Donaldson called me a speccy hot dog.
- A speccy hot dog? - Speccy hot dog.
Is that everything that happened? When I was trying to talk to him, he was whistling over the top of me.
I'm writing this down, but I want you to bear in mind what I said about this being an official form.
- Yeah.
- I'm just going to ask you once, and it's up to you to me to tell me the truth.
Is any of what I've just written down true at all? See, to be honest with you, no.
I don't know who that guy was and I came in and I just got nervous and I was showing off.
Why don't we just put this away, pretend it never happened.
- All right, Bobby.
- No hard feelings, mate.
Right, I'll see you later.
See you later, Sergeant and Officer Karen.
See you later.
Bye-bye.
Knights of the road, Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy know a dodgy vehicle when they see it.
Today they're looking for more than a double nougat and a 99.
On our drive, we saw an ice cream van travelling down the road and we've decided to run a random check on the licence plate and it turned out that the gentleman didn't have insurance on the actual van.
So we had to pull him over and have a chat with him about that.
MUSIC BLASTING # Jump off that sofa # Let's get get off # I know that we'll have a ball Turn your engine off, mate.
# Go out and just lose it all I feel stressed out - How you doing, boys? - Can you turn the music off, big man? - I cannae hear myself think here.
- Turn the music down, mate.
It's an awful noise.
- That's an awful noise.
- That's too loud, mate.
That's too loud.
- You can't have that that loud.
- What's that? - It's too loud.
- It's Not Girls Aloud.
- No, no.
The music is too loud.
- The music is too loud.
Sorry.
- You can't have that.
- I didn't realise.
Are you aware that you have to be under 100 decibels, yeah? Listen, can I just ask, have you paid your PRS and BPL for the music? - It's MP3.
MP3.
- You need to sort that out.
Doesn't matter what format it's on, you have to have the licences to play that music.
- A licence? What, like a dog licence? - No, the music licence.
Whoever made that musicthey have to get the money back, you know? - They have to make a living, as well.
- Do they? Yeah, so, make sure you get on that, yeah.
I thought because I downloaded that off the internet, that was me.
No, no, no.
We can't be having that.
- I didn't pay for it.
- You have to pay for it.
You have to pay for it.
Otherwise, it's stealing.
We'll get you done for stealing.
Do you have any idea why we pulled you over? I just thought you wanted a cone.
Do you want a cone? A 99 or that? - Maybe a bit later on.
- I'll give you a good oyster.
Thinking about it, you've not got very many sweeties.
I don't really do that much sweeties these days.
It's a changed business, man.
There's a lot of booze and that.
- We sell a lot of cans.
- Booze? - Aye, cans and that.
- What, from your van? - Aye.
- Got licences to sell alcohol? - You need licences for that? - You need that.
- How many licences do I need? Please don't say you're selling beer from this van.
I don't do any spirits or anything.
I'm not an animal.
I'll do you can or that.
Cans and that.
- We don't agree with that.
- How you doing, pal? - What are you after? - A couple of cans.
- What you after? A couple of cans of the Niddry, aye? - Yeah.
- No bother, pal.
- Are you kidding me on? - Take care.
All right.
- Take it easy, pal.
- Hold on, hen.
Cannae believe you're selling that from the back of an ice cream van.
What do you want me to sell? Nobody's wanting ice cream cos they are all saying, "Oh, don't get fat.
" All that stuff off the telly.
Alcohol's better.
They want to get drunk.
Yeah, sometimes it's better just to mask your problems.
This stuff's all right.
I had a wee bottle of that myself.
- I hope you've not been drinking! - It's only 4%.
- When did you drink that? - A couple of hours ago.
Couple of hours ago! That's wreck the house juice.
- What else you got? - I got this from Holland, the boy got us.
He took a wee extra trip in the transit.
- I've never heard of it.
That must be imported.
- It's good.
Good stuff.
Have you got a wee date coming up or that? Any women coming round? Ta-dah.
That gets the ladies going.
Vodka Blau.
Vodka Blau, that's called.
- Vodka Blau.
- Bannatyne.
Bannatyne used to be an ice cream man.
Right.
Dragons' Den.
Well, he did ice cream.
He didn't sell alcohol.
- Entrepreneur.
He would have done this.
- I can appreciate - Surely.
Come on.
- I can appreciate your entrepreneurship.
This is not the way to go about it.
I'm going to run your details.
- Right.
- My colleague will stay with you.
He's going to deal with it.
- Any DVDs or that? - You cannot play DVDs in the motor.
- No.
- One, you're not allowed to, anyway.
- I can get you the DVDs.
- I can get you the DVDs, aye.
- Pirates? I'm not against alcohol, per se.
Have a drink, relax.
Just don't go crazy.
Maybe a nice single malt.
Caol Ila, something like that.
A cask.
And nice, really rich, dark.
It's lovely.
Most of the Islay malts, I've got quite a few of those.
Amaretto.
That's nice on a weekday.
Just a little just a little sharpener.
Jean, was that Merlin one you brought me back from your holidays? Madiri? Midori.
Mad Midori, I think.
Midori.
Oh, sweet.
A little bit of that chilled.
Absolutely lovely.
So no, alcohol's fine.
It's just We're against bam juice.
Keep the expensive stuff as it is, make the bam juice cost £100 a bottle.
Problem solved.
- OFFICER SPEAKS OVER RADIO - OK, thank you.
- McKirdy.
- Whoa! Holy shit.
- McKirdy! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, oh! - Out.
- Look at the size of that.
- Get.
You, out.
You're under arrest, mate.
You're going to lose your trading licence for this, you know that? - Do I need a trading licence and all? - Get in the car.
- You're joking.
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no.
Passenger seat.
You're not driving with that.
We then came to the decision to arrest the individual, which was very satisfying for us.
Arresting a criminal is what we're out here to do and I managed to also get an ice cream cone out of it, as well.
From getting hard liquor off the streets, to keeping warring neighbours sweet.
Look at him.
You chunky monkey, you! Ken Beattie's charm quells the catfight.
- Would you do a wee bit of reading for us? - No, could I get my hat? - Can you not do a wee bit of reading for us? - Please, that's my hat.
- I need to wear that.
- Come on.
Come on, Ken! - Come on.
- Can I get my hat back? - Well, maybe say, "pretty, please".
- Pretty, please.
- Come on, give us a kiss.
- No.
Listen, do you want to do it with the hat on or hat off? - Hat on, please.
- Right, are you sure? Are you positive? - Yes.
Watch your wee head.
There you are.
Are you ready? Do you want the mic? Right, with feeling.
Right.
"Lady Tabitha stroke the back of the prince's neck.
" Right.
"All Lady Tabitha knew was atop this stiff column.
" This stiff what? - Column.
- Column.
- Column.
A stiff column.
What is it? Have you heard of that? He always talks about the neck but it's not that neck, - it's the other neck.
- The other neck.
- The base of the neck.
The shaft.
- SHE LAUGHS - Is this the kind of stuff you like? - Honestly.
- Really? "She then" Erm "Took his ".
.
Trousers off.
" Ken, it's all right.
Don't worry about it.
Everybody does it.
Everybody.
We've all got needs, haven't we? I wish somebody would take my bloody trousers off.
THEY LAUGH So that's what's known as conflict resolution within our industry of volunteering police work.
"I want you, you dirty mare.
" A rewarding job and less crime mean that policing Scotland is a win-win situation, unless you are a criminal, in which case, you're a loser.
PCs McIntosh and McKay are investigating a smash and grab at an arcade and are unamused and bemused that someone has abused the amusements.
Myself and officer McKay here were called out to the local amusement arcade, where a theft had been reported of one of the machines - the grabby machine that's filled with cuddly toys.
We didn't know whether it had gone.
We did notice a trail of coins from the machine, like little breadcrumbs.
And we just gobbled them up, followed the trail.
Oh, here we go.
- The money trail.
- There's more.
Ran cold, but It's not going anywhere else.
It looks like they led onto the ferry.
Now, we had to make a decision at this point.
Do we take a risk? Do we take a gamble ourselves? Board the vessel? Continue the adventure and search across the high seas? - And we thought - We've got to be brave.
- Why not? It's essentially piracy.
Once there's a crime on the sea, we're going to have to deal with it.
- Pirates.
- Pirates.
From terra firma to aqua Scotia, following criminals coast-to-coast, Charlie and Jane remained buoyant for the ten-minute journey, keeping a sharp lookout to see what they can see on the open sea.
- It's lovely, isn't it? - Choppy.
- HE LAUGHS What does this remind you of? - You know? - Eh - THEY SING - # Here, far, wherever you are # So have you ever been over before? - I remember that I did come one time.
- SHE LAUGHS It was an ex-boyfriend and we came over here and we had a weekend in a hotel Right.
I haven't really seen much of the island.
There is a lot of activities to do in Millport.
- Yeah, so I hear.
- You didn't No, no, no.
We kind ofyou know? Oh, aye.
Must have been a nice hotel.
It was a good hotel.
It was fun, you know.
- I don't really - No.
- That's nice.
- I had a good time, though.
- I'll bet.
Yes.
- It was fun.
- Lots of it.
- I don't regret it.
- No.
Just having lots of fun.
BOBBY: All right, Officer Karen? - How are you doing? All right.
- What can I do for you, Bobby? I was kind of wondering, like, what's like the rules in the law in, like, impersonating a police officer? It's against the law to impersonate a police officer, so.
Not even for one night for a party? It is just a fancy dress outfit, obviously, you can go into a toy shop or a fancy dress shop and buy a police kit to dress up.
But it's really just if you're trying to make people believe you are a police officer.
It's kind of like that, because I've been invited to a party and I want to dress up as a policeman.
You'll probably be fine, Bobby.
If you just bought a Halloween costume, I'm sure you'll be all right.
I can't completely swear to it.
- If I've not seen it, I can't guarantee it.
- I'll show you.
I'll go and put it on and show you it just now.
- No, Bobby.
No.
I'm sure - Give me five minutes and I'll show you.
- I'm sure you're fine.
- So, I don't break the law All right, Officer Karen.
Do you think I'll get away with that? Is that OK? I think you'll probably be fine, Bobby.
I don't think you'll get arrested for impersonating a police officer.
- What are you? - I'm a mouse.
PC Squeak.
Just to make sure that all the other mouses don't steal cheese and stuff.
OK.
In that case, I think you'll probably be fine with that.
See you later, right.
Mind yourself and your feet Left-hand door, Bobby.
- Left-hand door.
- Bye-bye.
- See you.
Mind your feet.
Over in the financial district, PCs McLaren and Fletcher get a chance to prove that they are no pushovers, but a pair that can be banked upon.
We were called to a protest today at a bank.
It turns out it was only one guy.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? The shackles that bind me to this investment bank are nothing compared to the invisible shackles that keep this country bound to corporate greed.
Oh, ho, ho! Yes.
Come on.
Fatman and Ploddin'! - Shut it, Swampy.
- You're causing a bit of disturbance.
Talk me through Trapitalism.
Trapitalism.
Well, let me tell you, Trapitalism is the chains that capitalism has on our country.
We are links in the chain.
We are controlled by people like this.
Controlled.
I still don't understand why he didn't put "capitalism".
It'd get straight to the point.
Can you show me how far you can walk out, please? Show me how far.
- Just here.
- You're not going to get onto the road.
Health and safety's covered.
You've thought that through, yeah.
You could have a game of five-a-side here.
His name was something out of a Shakespeare play.
- Tybalt Camberlain? - What's wrong with the name Tybalt? The real criminals here is your parents.
That's child abuse.
- Are you kidding? - You cannae call your bairn that.
A lot of protesters and that, they chain themselves to something so they're close to it and it's affecting people.
- It's a fight.
- People can get into their work here, couldn't they? - Where is the keys? - I don't know where the keys are.
Threw them away when I chained myself.
Commitment to the cause.
What you doing? Some workers up there.
I'm going to see if it got bolt cutters.
All right.
Adios, Amigo.
- Do you have any leaflets? - No.
I've got a Twitter account.
I always feel like leaflets are good for, you know, information.
I feel like maybe the lack of attention and interest - Is it to do with your clothes? - What? If you were a bit smarter, trimmed your facial hair.
Right, on your way, mate.
- Are you not going to arrest me? - Why? - Arrest me.
- Why? This has to come to something.
Arrest me.
It's not worth arresting you.
- It's been an absolute disaster for you, hasn't it? - No.
I think the best thing is for you to go home and rethink things in the safety of your own home.
See, if you can get up to 100 followers.
Once you get that 100 followers, I can see you taking down governments.
At the moment, I'm just going to tell you, toddle off and rethink it.
All the best, Tybalt.
- MIEKELSON: - Critics, you know? I tell you what it is, it's just It's easy to criticise.
You know what I mean? It's just easier to go, "Oh, crime's up.
"You should do this.
You should do that.
In our opinion.
" Sometimes I feel like saying to them, "You don't know you're born.
" "If this was some Eastern European dictatorship "or some Central American country, "I could have you disappeared, no questions asked.
" You know? "Senor Miekelson, are the murder figures up?" "Aye.
They're up by one more, as well.
Bang!" Thank you very much.
Disappear him.
This is a democracy.
And that's a good thing.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, hi.
Yeah, look, I just wanted to say, I appreciate how difficult it must be to be a woman these days and I just wanted to thank you.
You were obviously the good cop, is what I was trying to say.
I just want to say, thanks very much.
Put it there.
What? What are you? Jack! HE LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY Ladies and gentlemen, the cuffs that bind me to this policewoman are nothing compared to Oh, here he comes! You thought you'd seen the back of me.
Annoying! That's what you are.
- Bloody annoying.
- I like what you've done there - Are these yours? - These are mine.
These are mine.
You're going to need to come out.
If he comes in, then Move, you.
Move.
Quite embarrassing, isn't it? Not a good image for police.
Oh, you could Jesus.
Watch your head.
This narky anarchist rattled the cops' chains once too often and has now discovered that rules are rules and nobody is above the law.
People tend to think that we rule the road but that's not the case.
- It's not the case at all.
- No.
There's this one lollipop woman.
Every time we drive by, she puts out a lollipop and she makes us stop.
We've got to adhere to the rules of the road.
So, when she comes out, we've got to stop.
SIREN WAILS, TYRES SCREECH - Come on! - Sake, man! - Ohh! Move.
- Come on! It's almost like you throw a uniform on someone and all of a sudden, they've got authority.
- It's ridiculous.
- Goes to their head.
Off the boat, on the beat, the elite cops use all their powers of observation to locate the grabber.
- Anything? - No, just a dead bird.
- Just a dead bird.
Hang on.
What have we got here? That could be something here.
That is definitely a grabby machine.
Here we go.
Jackpot.
That's the one.
- It's paid off there.
- I don't think any toys are missing.
- No, I thought it would be smashed in.
- Why do you think they took it? It could just be some sort of crazy dare.
You know, crazier things have happened? I've done dares myself.
- Oh, yeah? - I once rolled a full hay bale all the way from one side of town to the other.
That was for Children in Need, though.
I'm not sure this was.
The machine has been returned to its owner, so that's a bonus.
We were able to, I guess, grab the grabber but we haven't been able to grab the grabees.
But we'll keep searching.
If they strike again, we'll be there to counter it.
- Thanks.
- Cheers.
THEY LAUGH So, how does this compare to the last time you were here, eh? Probably more fun.
Well, it's different.
The ice cream wasn't in a cone last time.
No.
There is no such thing as victimless crime.
If there is a crime, there's a victim.
Some people go, "Oh, tax fraud.
"Who am I harming? I've just shovelled a wee bit away.
" You're harming everybody.
You're stealing from all of us.
Apart from the people who are not stealing tax.
You're not stealing from them.
They're not paying tax.
It's that old analogy - if a tree If no-one's there and a tree falls over in the forest does it make a sound, you know? If you're in Spain and your house is burgled, has the crime happened? Yes.
It happened because you're not there.
Neither is your stuff now and the place is a mess and someone's taking a dump in your kettle.
That's a crime.
That's three crimes right there.
So, sleep soundly, safe and sure that the sickening scum is being skimmed from society by the supervisory spatula that is the Scot Squad!