Scot Squad (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

- NARRATOR: - Welcome to Scotland, legendary birthplace of the Scots.
But it isn't all William Wallace, whisky and wind farms.
Especially not for the new unified police force that now polices the country - with force.
Join us as we tail the teams trailing the many terrains of the tartan territory.
They're brave, they're tough, they are the Scot Squad.
This programme contains adult humour.
An effective leader must be able to relate to the rank and file and while it might be tough at the top for Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson, he knows that it's vital not to lose sight of the bottom.
I think it's important that I'm not seen to be above the little people.
You know, I am one of them.
I'm a bigger little person but I'm still I'm the biggest, actually, little person you could get, in the force.
Once a year, the Chief likes to get back to the front line.
This year, he's spending a day pounding the pavement with volunteer officer Ken Beattie.
- You don't get paid? - No.
- Okay.
You're voluntary? - Yeah.
Right.
Well, you're dealing with full-time criminals.
Within minutes, Ken gets the chance to showcase his lightning quick reactions.
Hey! Excuse me! This is where I come into my own.
Eh, excuse me, sir! Excuse me.
Hey, hey! You.
Yes, you.
Back here, please.
You did something wrong there, sir.
- You littered.
- Must've just fell out my pocket.
- No, I seen you.
You physically dropped it.
No, it did not fall out your pocket, okay? So I'd like to ask you to move away, okay? And do not do that again, do you hear me? Do you understand, sir? Promise me? Aye, alright, I promise, then.
- Away with you.
- Hey.
Pick it up.
Okay? Give it to him.
Pick it up.
Now, come here.
Talk to one of my boys again like that and I will BLEEP Right, that's that dealt with.
Scotland's bus shelters have a new public information poster.
Why use models when you have model police? What the? Oh, my God! Eh? - No! - It's me! They specifically told me it was going to be me.
They specifically said they were using my face.
Oh, my God! We saw one of the posters the other day, just driving past, and It was Sarah.
It's me.
She told me to make love to the camera and it's exactly what I did.
The problem is now you're going to get the public coming up to you going "Oh, you're my pal.
" You're going to get so much hassle.
I am so glad I'm not doing that.
Who knows how they come up with their choices? But it's, it's brilliant.
It'sit's what partners are about, eh? Support.
Couldnae think of anything worse than the public going, - "You're my friend" - Don't think so.
You were like "I can't wait to be in a poster cos all the chicks will fancy me.
" Shite.
Never.
I just think it's good that it's one of us two cos we're a team, at the end of the day.
We've all done posters.
What've you done posters for? Och, I was in a band at school.
He is actually in it but it's just I wouldnae tell anyone.
It doesn't matter, like.
It could be anybody's arm.
Well, a muscly person's arm.
But it's mainly about me, the poster.
It's good.
I'm really, really, really happy about it.
There's more to being in the Scot Squad than pulling on a hi-vis jacket.
For traffic enforcers Singh and McKirdy, being a cop goes beyond the badge.
Well, the perks of the job are the job itself.
You have the respect of the community, you're helping the local community and you have little kids looking up to you.
So those are the perks.
Not at all the perks But there's better perks than that.
There's also perks like the local kebab shops.
Some of the places do 50% discount for the police.
See you tomorrow, Ali! You don't get discounts at the fruit and veg shop, do you? Well, my cousin owns the fruit and veg shop so Aye.
Nectarine daft, this yin.
Oh, what?! - What? - We've frozen up! - Aw, it doesn't matter.
Come on! - "It doesnae matter.
" This is what happens when you take that on.
- Why do you always buy that? - Munch box.
Munch box is the only thing - that'll fill me up.
- It takes forever to make.
This is the only thing that keeps me going until my dinner.
No chance, man.
I love a munchy box.
- Mate, you should eat more healthy.
- Nope.
I love these munchy boxes.
Sake, man.
Now we're going to have to wait for this.
- POLICE RADIO: - Car six, respond.
Car six responding, over.
Car six responding.
Police in pursuit.
Please respond.
Oh, you're joking, man! No way! Get the ice off it.
Come on! What've you got, a de-icer or something? I've got some What about some of my loyalty cards? Body heat.
Use body heat.
That's not doing it.
Come on, scrape harder! I'm trying to, man! It's knackering! Come on! What about some of my munchy box on it? - A bit of doner meat or something? - Whoa! - You're not putting food on this! - Hold on.
- Oh, you're not putting food - Come on! Maybe that'll get it.
You'd better clean it up, mate.
You'd better clean that up.
Some of this pakora, man.
That's got a lot of heat in it.
Let me get the blowers on.
Come on! - Get in the car! - We going to wait? Come on.
We'll just need to go.
- I cannae go.
I cannae see! - No, just go! We cannae miss this shout.
- Just go! - Right, I'll go slowly.
Put your seatbelt on.
Come on, man.
- You're not having that lunch again.
- Who's not? Let's go.
Go, go, go.
- POLICE RADIO: - Stand down, car six.
Stand down, car six.
Suspect apprehended.
That is your fault.
Car six, stood down.
Bandit, man! There'll be a next time.
There'll be a next time.
Police emergency, how can I be of assistance? In here, everyone does shift work so sometimes shifts during the day, sometimes during the night.
Obviously, the night ones are a wee bit tougher because the night is usually when you're asleep but we're awake and answering the phones so sometimes you do get very sleepy and most people kind of develop methods to help them stay awake, particularly when it gets a bit quiet in between calls.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING Something else sometimes I use is smelling salts.
I've actually just made some of my own flavours.
Chargrilled lemon.
Musty bacon.
Yep.
Sometimes if I'm really sleepy I'll do the splits because I've never seen anyone fall asleep while doing the splits.
Hello, police emergency.
How can I be of assistance? As Chief shadows Beattie, Commissioner Miekelson discovers the sights, sounds and smells of a typical shift.
What are you doing? You're helping him change his socks? Yeah, cos he gets quite damp in the streets, you know? We're the unified Scottish police force! We're not tramp sock washers! We've got to put an end to this.
Search him.
Search? Right.
Why am I being searched? Because the Chief there says What's that? It's a hot water bottle.
I gave him that last week.
Can't tell, really.
You want to taste it? Just have a wee drink.
Okay? How you feeling? KEN GULPS It's just water.
Yeah? You're not getting a wee kick? Right, okay.
I'm satisfied.
No drugs.
Nice doing business with you.
- You okay, Jake? - Come on, Ken.
- Sorry, sir.
- Come on.
This helping thing, I think it's gone to your head.
You know, you're a kind of hobby bobby.
You're not Jesus.
Claim the road, Ken! What? Claim the road.
It's your Pull out and you can stop anything.
It's my road.
Full Gandalf! Full Gandalf! "Thou shall not pass!" - You! You won't pass! - Onto the road! Louder! - You won't pass! - Louder, son! That's it! - Yes.
- Not you! Don't you stop! I want you to stop the car! I need to wait on the green man.
You don't have to wait on the green man! You have the authority to overrule the red man! Put your hand out.
"Stop!" That's the boy! I want to see how fit our young boys are.
Give it a bit of welly.
That's it, stretch them.
Go! Go a wee bit faster, you see? Try it a bit like this.
Like this.
Come on.
That's it, come on now.
Work it, work it.
There we go! Now, don't you feel better for that? - KEN PANTS HEAVILY - No.
- No.
Okay.
Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar is always on call for those in need.
All right, Officer Karen? I was just wondering, do you think it's going to rain tomorrow cos Uncle Geoffrey's going to put a washing on? Probably not.
Probably not.
Oh right, cheers.
Do you want some Avon catalogues? No.
Officer Karen, how do you know if a bulb's a screw-in or a bayonet? If it's got, like, a wee screw round the bottom, Bobby.
Happy to help with any query.
- All right, Officer Karen? How you doing? - Hello, Bobby.
I've got a couple of questions for you.
I need some advice.
Okay.
I'm thinking about throwing a wee party cos I've been really good recently.
I'm going to play some music and I don't know what's the law with, like, music.
how loud I can play it.
Basically, as long as you're not playing it so loud that you're disturbing your neighbours.
That's when someone's going to call the police.
The music's really thumping, it's coming through their walls.
As long as you're not too loud you'll be fine.
Say, if I started playing music and it was like this loud.
HE SHOUTS All right Bobby, that's a wee bit loud.
That's probably going to annoy your neighbours.
- Maybe not quite as loud as that.
- Just like HE SHOUTS LESS LOUDLY That would probably be alright, aye.
Oh, right, okay.
Well, thanks a lot for your advice, Officer Karen.
I need to go to the shops.
I'm going to go and get crisps and, like, pick 'n' mix and stuff and marshmallows.
- Okey dokey.
- And a couple of ice poles.
I'm going to go and I'm going to go for it the night, right? - Right.
- Thanks a lot - Have a good party.
Make sure you don't get it too loud.
I don't want to see one of my officers coming out to you.
Okay.
Okay, Officer Karen.
Thank you.
Bye.
Rural officers McIntosh and McKay respond to reports of a rocky relationship We're fine, actually.
We're fine, actually.
We're dealing with this ourselves.
Aye, take your crap picture.
.
.
that's become rather too raucous.
- I'm not leaving my stuff.
- You don't have to leave our stuff.
- Just move over here with me.
- Take your helmet.
The cops decide that the best way to make these hearts grow fonder is by adding some distance.
- Okay, now what's going on? - Shut up! He's a prick, you know? - He's an arsehole.
- Okay.
Keep your voice down.
What's been happening here? What's happened? - She's doing my absolute nut in.
- Doing your nut in? - Yeah.
- So what do you want to do about it? - I want him to grow up.
- And have you said that? - Of course I've told him! Well, boys are a bit sensitive, you know? You've got to kind of approach things in a different way.
- How long have you been together now? - About a year.
That's lovely.
That's a great thing.
I mean, I don't have much experience with women but my Uncle Donald did tell me that women are like horses.
They like to have their hair brushed, they like new shoes, and that you should never approach them from behind or you might get a smack in the face.
I need someone responsible, someone who's going to look after me, not a wee boy.
- Maybe he's just got different - .
.
who thinks he's a DJ.
And a surfer.
And a gamer.
He thinks he's bloody everything! Maybe you need to find some activities you can do together.
- Do you do things together? - Sleep? - Sleeping together? - Aye.
- That is wonderful.
- Aye, we do that most nights.
- Is that right? - Aye.
Jeez, Louise.
That is special.
- Yeah.
- You should cherish that.
What's the nice things about him? The good things? What do you fancy about him? He is funny.
We were on holiday last year.
We had a pure good time.
It was so funny.
Like, we were meant to be getting these tattoos, these matching tattoos, and I says to him "Right, I've got "I get Duncan on my arm, you go and get a matching one.
" And he comes back from the tattoo salon with Duncan on his arm.
- Well, that's funny! - I was raging at the time but it is quite funny now.
It is funny.
You just have to find the positives within each other, you know? - She doesn't have a lot of positives.
- Oh, come on now.
- Honestly.
- What do you want to ask him? - Let me speak to him on your thing.
- What, on the radio? - That'd be dead romantic if I speak to him through that.
- Let me speak to him through that.
- I can't actually let you use this.
Well, just say what I'm saying, then.
- Right.
I can speak to him for you.
Okay? Okay? - He'll like this.
- He'll think this is funny.
- Okay.
Charlie? - Oh, yeah.
Hang on.
Sorry.
- Charlie? It's Jane.
Yeah? Hi, Jane.
Go ahead.
She wants to say something so I'm just going to relay it to you, okay? Tell him I'm sorry for being a dick.
I'm sorry for being a dick.
And I really do love him.
I really do love you.
She really loves you.
i can be a scatty bitch but I'm going to try and calm myself down.
I know I can be a scatty bitch but I'm really going to try and calm myself down.
Maybe if he tries to pull himself together a bit, then we can make a good go of it.
Maybe if you could try and pull yourself together a bit, we could make a good go of it.
Are you hearing this? When we go to his mum's house for dinner, she makes good dinners.
It's nice when we go to your mum's house for dinner cos she makes really good dinners.
Aye.
She makes a really good meatloaf.
She makes a great meatloaf.
He agrees.
It's not the best but it's alright.
- There's gravy on the side and that.
- Because of the gravy on the side.
- She always dribbles on that.
- And she alwaysright.
Oh, right, aye.
Cancel that.
And do you love him? I do.
Of course I love him.
I love you! Of course I love you.
- I love her too.
- I love her too.
He loves you too.
I think that we should spend the rest of our lives together.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Let's not like No, I didn't say that, mate.
- I think we should get married.
- Are you sure? Will you marry me? - No! - Yes! - No.
Absolutely! Did he say yeah? - Mate.
- That's I thought - Mate, I didn't say that! - I thought you were saying - No, I didn't say that! Tell her no! - Hold fire.
- Tell her no! Tell her no! - My mistake.
I thought he - No! Absolutely not! - What do you mean, no?! I'll give it a go, though.
I'm not marrying her but I'll give it a go.
He said no, actually, to the marriage but he likes the cut of her jib and he is willing to give it another go.
- Aye.
- It's not very romantic but, aye, okay.
- What's she saying? - I don't know.
Aye, okay.
How about that, eh? - Aye.
- Do you want to? Do you want to go to her? - Do you want to see her? - Aye, I'll go out.
I'll go out.
Jane, he's coming to her.
He's coming to sweep her off her feet.
- Great.
He's coming.
He's coming for you! - Okay.
- Chase love down! - Aye, cheers, mate.
Thank you.
- Okay? - Cheers, man.
- You take care.
- Appreciate that.
- You look after her.
Coming back, then? Aye.
Sorry about all that.
Why don't you give her a kiss? HE MOUTHS SILENTLY Sorry.
I like to think that, you know, we both know a little bit about love - and relationships.
- Matchmaking.
- Matchmaking, yeah.
I think Cupid was on our side that day and perhaps he's lurking round the corner for other situations.
Serving Scotia, escorting Ecosse, arbitrating Alba and crime-busting in Caledonia.
Scotland stays safe thanks to a single squad - the Scot Squad.
And for urban tag team Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher, every day is a dance with danger.
Don't kick it! It could have cats in it.
Today, that means dealing with a deluge of missiles with a difference.
We were called to a house.
An elderly gentleman claimed that morning rolls were being thrown at his house.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, good afternoon to you.
Hi there.
I'm Sarah.
This is Jack, my colleague.
- How do you do? - How you doing? - Don't eat it! - Do you know what direction they've been coming from? - Every direction.
From down and that way.
Right.
All the same kind.
Some are harder, some fresh.
Wee fannies.
Things did take a kind of very sinister, dark turn when I got hit by a couple.
I'm not laughing! Do you hear me laughing? Jack, do you need my help? No, I'm alright.
Seen that coming.
I'm going to tear you a new arsehole, honestly.
They are soft, Jack.
It doesnae matter if they're soft.
They're throwing them! There's folk starving over the world and look at the amount of food you're wasting! The birds'll get it.
What? Nae more? Run out? Do you need me? I've got it under control.
I think that's it done.
They've had their fun, they've seen me, they've been intimidated, they've realised I'm not somebody to mess with so they've scarpered, they've bolted.
I can guarantee this kind of nonsense won't happen again.
Two days later, we were called back.
Covered in doughnuts.
The ones with the holes in the middle.
Doughnuts! Like, really?! They're wasting my time and my patience and I can guarantee this - we will get them.
We absolutely will get them and we won't stop until we do.
As the Chief continues to walk a mile in Ken's shoes, he's travelling higher for a fresh perspective on policing.
So where are we going now, Ken? Going to the top of the zigzag as I like to call it.
- The zigzag bridge.
- Aye.
- And we'll see what we see up the top.
We've been to the top of the zigzag, Ken.
Yep.
This is part of the route, though.
We've been back down the zigzag a couple of times now.
- Then we'll come back up.
- Ken, this is pish! This whole thing! This whole day.
I'm stuck at my desk all day.
I come out once a year to be with the little people and nothing's happening, you know? Look at this place! I mean, we've got the whole city in front of us to police! We could be anywhere! There's people living and dying, there's people struggling! It's life and death! It's hopes and dreams crashed down.
What are we doing? Changing tramps' socks, rescuing kittens, giving people soup! We're not the Girl Guides! Pigeons! You like helping pigeons.
- That pigeon was beyond help! - No, it wasn't.
- It was beyond help.
- It wasn't.
It was practically flat.
It was a cartoon pigeon.
We spent an hour trying to give it CPR! We could've saved it.
We could not have saved it, okay? Forget the pigeon.
We want to do some police work! - I want to see some action! - I help people, sir.
I know you help people but we're bored of helping people.
We've been helping people all morning.
Can we not do something else? I was told you were an impressive example of modern day policing.
- Do you know, I was going to give you a medal today.
- A medal? I was going to give you a medal for all your good work.
Well, it's not good work.
It's pish! And I've had enough of it.
Make something happen! - Oh, Ken, don't start greetin', son.
- I'm not.
- Come on.
Don't start.
There's people looking.
I was so excited about you coming out today, show you my work, and I'm sorry for letting you down, sir.
I've disappointed you.
- You haven't disappointed me.
- I have.
- Look, I'm sorry I raised my voice, Ken.
- You scared me.
I'm sorry about that, but maybe you need a little bit of scaring.
Just a wee bit! You know? Not a full "wah!" Not that.
You're just a wee bit - You're a wee bit, "Oh" - But I need to be more "Oh, can I change your sock?" - Just a bit more - BLEEP.
- Come on! - He didnae get wet, though Come on, son! Deserve the medal! Let's see you get this medal! - Come on! - Get the medal.
- Come on, Ken! KEN ROARS That's it! That's it, Ken! - I scared myself there, sir.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
Police work! It's not all peace and tranquillity in the countryside.
And when a quiet drink becomes not so quiet, PC McIntosh is professional police work personified.
Yep, very good.
We'll just wait here for my partner.
We'll see what they've said.
I'm sure they'll clear it up.
- I'm sure everything's fine but - Get your hands off me! We'll see what they've said inside, what's happened.
It'll be fine.
- Nothing's happened! - We'll go up the road.
- Nothing ever happens in this town.
- I know.
- Don't worry about me.
I was having a couple of drinks.
- I'm sure you were.
- We'll clear it up and it'll be fine.
- No problem with me.
- Yep.
- I know you, don't I? - No, I don't think you do.
- I know your sister.
- Do you, yeah? - Everyone knows your sister.
- I'm sure they do.
- From behind.
- Everybody knows your sister from behind.
- Aye.
- I'm talking about taking a lassie from behind.
- Probably not.
- You've not experienced such pleasures.
- Well, yep, that's fine.
- Not with a lassie anyway.
- No.
- Probably farmyard animals.
- On that plentyofsheep.
com - Yes, I am.
- Plentyofsheep.
com - I use it regularly.
- Aye, I thought I'd seen you on that.
- You're not bothering me.
- We'll see about that.
- I've got thick skin.
Thicker than a hog.
Let's just keep it calm.
- Keep yourself calm.
- I'm calm, mate.
You should be calm.
Charlie.
I've spoken to the proprietor and he's just - We're just talking - Hey! You watch yourself! What are you saying? Are you trying to be cheeky? Why are you cheeky like that, talking back at someone? Eh? You're trying to be a wise guy! I tried to do this the nice way and now you're mouthing off to my partner! - Charlie - Well, that is so rude! Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength, my friend, and you must be a really weak man! - Okay? - Charlie.
I think it's - A night in the cells! Okay? - See how you think of that.
Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Go down the cells.
Spend a weekend there.
Think about what you've done.
Breach of the peace and just for being a thoroughly horrible human being.
How about that? Okay? Sit in the back here.
- Can I phone my mum? - No, you can't phone your mum! Get in the back! I want you to think about what you've just said in there, okay? Think about what you've done! Sit there! Unbelievable.
- I'm alright, yeah.
- Are you okay? - All right, Officer Karen? - Bobby, this is not a good time.
I've got somebody coming in so do you maybe want to? - I'll get you tomorrow.
- Oh, how? What's wrong? Well, I'm showing a competition winner round.
We're doing Oh, that's me! I've got it in the paper.
Here it is here, look! There it is.
I've won it.
Bobby Muir.
I entered it.
I got that from the newspaper.
Bobby Muir.
I'm to get a tour of the police station.
Will we start with the office, then? Yep.
I'll take that, just in case.
Just round here? All right? Just come through now? All right? Offenders' toilets.
Oh, yes.
This is brilliant.
Is that where? The interview room - is that where they get the job interview? No, that's where we interview suspects.
Is this where the bad guys go? - Yes.
- Is this where the baddies go? - Aye, this is the charge bar.
- Do they have their cuffs on when you do it? - Yes.
- And has anybody ever tried to hit you? - Once or twice.
Yeah? And what did you do? Just karate them right through the hole? Right through the hole in the wall? Karate them.
Karate chop.
Flying head smash.
That's what I'd be like if I was a police officer.
I'd be like that, crack! Crack! "You're under arrest!" Crack! You ain't an officer of the law! Crack! - Do you want to come and see the cells, Bobby? - Aye, I'm sorry.
I'm getting excited.
Do you want to have a look in there? - Honestly? Can I go in there? - Aye, absolutely.
- For free? - Yeah.
In you go.
- Is that part of my? - It's part of the tour.
Make sure you can see the bench.
Officer Karen! There's no handle here.
There's no door handle to get out.
Are you coming back? Are you coming back, Officer Karen? I can't hear you.
Officer Karen? I can't stay the night, Officer Karen.
Officer Karen! Officer Karen! The lightbulbs went out! You need new lightbulbs, Officer Karen.
Have you got a spoon? Bring me a spoon.
Have you seen that film Shawshank Redemption? Officer Karen! Have you seen that film Shawshank Redemption? Bring me a spoon and I'll tunnel my way out.
Officer Karen! This is hell.
Officer Karen, this is hell on earth.
Let me out, Officer Karen! It's not funny! My head's stuck! Let me out! Officer Kareeeeeeen! It's crunch time on the street.
With his rep on the line, Ken has to put his mettle to the test if he wants to strap that medal to his chest.
Here we go.
Here we go, we're off.
We're kicking off.
Go on, son.
- That's - Go on! - Hey! Hey! Hey! - That's it.
Hey! Hey! Boys! Boys! Hey! - Hey, look, no, don't.
Don't do that to me! - He'll be fine.
Hey! Look! No! - Come on now, this is Oh, my word.
- That's it! You shall not pass! He's using some of the earlier stuff, which was more for the motoring but he's doing He's adapting to survive.
- Just calm down! - He's okay.
- Okay? - I'll go and sort this out.
Violence is not acceptable in this day and age.
And I demand you to apologise to each other and to me.
Shake hands, then on your way.
- Go on, boys.
- Shake hands.
Shake hands.
- Nice.
- Away.
- That's the last of it.
The next time, Ken Beattie will not be so nice! - No! - Next time! Watch your back for Ken Beattie.
Ladies and gentlemen, the unified Scottish police force could not do its fine work without the voluntary efforts of what we effectually term in the police the "little people".
Ken Beattie is one of the big little people, and it therefore gives me great pleasure to announce that the very first recipient of the Cameron Miekelson Commissioner's Award for Outstanding Bravery in the Field And you can forget the way he set about those three doss radge bams.
He deserves it for that alone.
Ken Beattie.
I learnt a lot from the Chief Commissioner.
He taught me to be more forceful and be more authoritative.
He taught me to wash my hands after I've handled a dead bird before I ate, which I wish I'd knew sooner.
To be honest, it's incredibly tedious.
Yeah, that's what I've learned today.
It's tedious work and whatever we're paying them, it's not enough.
And, in Ken's case, it's nothing at all.
OTHERS APPLAUD Land of my high endeavour, land of the shining river, land of my heart forever - all protected by Scot Squad, the brave!