Scoundrels s01e04 Episode Script

Where Have You Been, Charming Billy

Hey, you sure you got enough? It's what Billy would have wanted.
Yeah, well, not me.
I don't want a funeral.
I will settle for the loudest applause on the academy's death reel.
Hey, don't you be in too much of a hurry to die.
Where are my red patent pumps? We're going to a cemetery.
You're supposed to show your respect, not your secret garden.
We can't all be "Miss oldest virgin in the West".
Hey, you two, show some respect.
I am showing some respect.
This is what Billy would have wanted me to wear.
What Billy woulda wanted is to not be dead.
I know it's really hard for you to lose him like this.
Is there anything I can do? You've already done enough.
Ready to go? Oh, hey.
Uh, Logan.
Listen, do me a favor.
When we get to the cemetery, can you maybe say a few words about Billy, you know, for the family? Really? I thought that Cal would want to.
I'll do my best.
Poor Rita.
She loved you all so much.
Grandma Rita died a long time ago.
We're going to Billy's funeral.
Poor little stray cat of a kid? Fed him once, he never left.
Yeah, him.
Let's get this over with.
Funerals so depressing, so sad.
That means barbecued chicken wings.
Billy Billy was a man of few words.
Didn't need a lot to make him happy a few beers, a roof over his head usually our roof, our beers, our food.
You should be up there, dude, not him.
Billy loved trucks.
Fun fact his favorite book in the world was "The little yellow digger," because he loved those yellow diggers and because it didn't have a lot of big words in it.
Daddy! - Dad! - Hey, guys.
It's Wolf.
There's the wolfman.
Oh, man.
My dad came.
Sorry I'm late.
- Good to see you, Wolf.
- You, too.
Hey, pops.
Hey, man.
Nice seeing you.
Anyway, as I was saying, It's been a big loss for all of us.
Do you mind if I say a couple things before they drag me back to my home away from home? It's all yours.
This is a tough day.
Tough day.
Billy was our bonus kid.
Him and Cal were practically twins.
And like Cal was saying Sorry.
Um, Logan Like Logan was saying, Billy loved tools and machines, building equipment.
And, yes, he especially loved the yellow diggers.
And I asked him one time I said, "What's the fascination?" I mean, "what's so great about 'em?" And he said to me and I'm quoting him he said, "You climb up in one of those anybody, any little guy, even a nobody like me you get up one of those diggers.
And you can literally move mountains.
" Sorry you didn't get to move more mountains, Billy boy.
I really am.
Poor dad losing his other favorite son.
Stop it.
He would have traded me for Billy in a second.
Hey, Cal.
Hey, Tanya.
I'm so sorry.
It's awful, what happened.
- Yeah.
- I know you have a lot on your mind, but I did want to mention that I'm currently single, and I wanted you to know that I'm here for you, to comfort you in any way you need comforting morning, noon, night, the morning after.
That's good to know.
- Dad.
- Hey.
Thanks for what you said about him, man.
Um, say your good-byes, Wolf.
We need to head back.
All right, well, I'm gonna come and see you this week.
Okay? I'll look forward to it.
Take care of yourself.
Hang in there.
- Hey, me, too.
- Baby.
Um, excuse me.
Can't he just come back with us to the house, - just for a little while? - I'm sorry.
Uh It's Heather.
Uh, Russell.
Yeah, I'm sorry, no.
I just had permission to bring him to the service and then right back to the facility.
So Okay, well say it rained and the service got delayed and then, you know, yore on your way back and you get stuck in a lot of traffic and you sit there for so long that your car gets so overheated that it explodes and the whole thing catches on fire, and you had to take him back a little bit later.
What do you think would happen then? - Would you get in trouble? - Yeah, I don't I don't know.
I don't I don't think so.
Well, why don't you tell your boss that that happened? Just half an hour.
It would mean so much to my family Russell.
Yeah, uh, yeah, a-all right.
All right, yeah.
Half an hour.
You're a good man, Russell.
All right.
The grill's going, nice and hot.
Why don't you put on some of those, um, Oh, what do you call it? The chips mesquite, Like like like the way your dad does it.
Like his dad does what? Oh, you're kidding me.
What the hell is he doing here? Special dispensation.
You want? Uh, no, thank you.
I'm on duty, And we'll be leaving very soon.
You gonna ignore me all day? I'm b I'm busy.
And there's a lot of people here.
- Ow! Crap! - What happened? You all right? Yes, I'm fine.
- Hey, let me look at it.
- No, I'm fine.
Leave me alone.
You're supposed to leave it under there for a couple of minutes at least.
Thank you.
You can go now.
Oh, no, I can't.
I don't want to.
You know, this has been a lousy day.
You being here just makes it worse.
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do.
Okay, can you just please go? You are so beautiful.
God, why do you have to be so sexy for? For you.
Hey, mom.
How you doing? You okay? - Aah! - Close the door.
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
Oh, my god.
Hey, your mom's hand's working pretty good now.
Somebody needs to learn how to knock.
Yeah, and his father needs to learn how to lock the door.
I'm not so crazy about locks these days.
I missed you.
This was so stupid.
We should not have done this.
I should not have done this.
I beg to differ.
But if you think there's room for improvement, let's have another go at it.
You think everything's fixed? Everything's hunky-dory because you got me in the sack The sink? Whatever.
I know you were a little ticked off, but, uh, yeah, it felt like things were right back on track.
How did you get out today, Wolf? Was this some kind of a thank-you present from Mack - for turning on alan? - I thought you were on your big dudley do-right campaign.
I was just doing my part to help, uh, clean up our corrupt little city.
I am not "Ticked off.
" I'm furious.
Since when do we turn on our friends, our best friends? All because you got it into your paranoid head that I was screwing around on you.
Yeah, I was wrong.
I couldn't be happier.
Do me a favor.
Ready when you are.
Go back to your cell.
And this time, make sure they lock it.
These people are like animals.
Did they specifically not eat yesterday? So this is me all dressed up like Katharine Hepburn in " Breakfast at Tiffany's.
" Audrey.
How many times do I have to tell you? Okay, relax.
I just forgot.
Apparently, "Audrey hepburn" was Katharine Hepburn's real name.
Where's your, uh, father? We we really need to get going.
Uh, have you guys seen daddy? No, not me.
Why would you look at me? Hey.
My mom hears the word "Dead," - and it's her cue to start baking.
- Not ours.
I'm gonna go find him.
Um, I have something for you.
I don't show these to just anyone.
These are my very special lingerie photos.
Where? Excuse me, mister.
I think you saw enough of me during that alleged "Photo shoot.
" - Was there even film in that camera? - It's digital.
It was the computer that messed up.
I'm sorry.
Irregardless, only Rusell gets to see these photos.
- That's so not fair.
- Mm.
You know what, come with me, Tad.
- Why? - Oh, you know, 'cause you're starting to drool.
Besides, I have something much more interesting to show you than heather in her panties.
Doubt it.
Me in my panties.
I'm really sorry Billy's dead and all, but these burgers are delicious.
Tell me, Cal.
I mean it.
How can I help? What can I do for you? Anything.
Just name it.
Well, my car could use a wash.
Come here.
Hey, Cruiser.
Thanks, bud.
We got, uh, hot dogs, hamburgers.
I can do cheeseburgers.
- What can I do you for? - I'm not hungry.
I'll go seconds.
You got a big appetite, Cruz.
Thank you.
There you go.
You hanging in? A bunch of losers stuffing their faces, drinking our beer.
Nobody's even talking about Billy.
Might as well be the 4th of July.
I'm sorry your buddy's dead.
I should have been on that job with him, dad.
I wasn't there to help him, and that's why Billy's dead.
Hey listen to me.
It's not your fault that he died.
Okay? Nobody knows why it happened.
Only god knows that.
We need you back here, man.
How's J.
doing with that appeal? - I mean, is he getting you sprung soon? - Mm, no exactly.
Logan's handling the appeal now.
Get outta here.
Look, I know Logan is an arrogant ass, But he's a smart arrogant ass.
Besides, your mother will kill him if he screws this up.
They totally restored the print Dolby sound, the director's on-set track.
You can actually hear him yelling " Action" And "Cut.
" It's wild, right? I am in love with you.
Look at how he's staring at her so intently.
How do they not crack up? Try it.
Stare at me like that.
It'll make us better directors if we can have empathy for what the actors are doing.
If you say so.
Okay, that was horrible.
Try again.
Okay, now I feel like Molly Ringwald and that guy.
In "Sixteen candles.
" Right, right.
The part in the end.
Yeah, where they're both sitting on the table, And he got her the cake and And he says that thing about "Make a wish," And she says, " It already came true.
" Yeah, that was cool.
Where Where'd that come from? Don't people do this sort of thing at funerals to, you know, affirm life? Yeah, I guess.
I Mm.
You fired J.
and hired Logan? I mean, that had to be your genius idea, wasn't it? J.
wasn't exactly a prize, Cal.
He said it was gonna be four months at the most, remember? Now it's five years.
Well, then hire someone good, not Logan.
Well, who's gonna care more about this case than your brother? Anybody else in the world.
You know dad and him.
I mean, - come on.
- He'll he'll do an excellent job.
I've been in a courtroom more than logan has.
Well, it's good that he just graduated.
All the laws will be fresh in his mind.
That's bull! God! That's such bull.
I'm gonna get my own money, ma.
I'm gonna get the money and I'm gonna hire.
- The ass-kickingest lawyer that I can find - No, you're not.
And not one of those 1-800-dial-a-lawyers either I'm calling the shots in this family now.
A lawyer with a real area code.
Whether you like it or not, cal, that's the way things are.
I'm done listening to you.
I'm done.
I listened to you about your stupid rule.
About going straight, and look what happened.
Billy's dead.
And now dad's gonna be stuck in jail.
Because of what you decided.
No way.
I'm done.
I'm done.
So anyway, we're hiding in the bushes, right? And the cops come There's this really funny video.
We were on vacation in laguna, And then I decided to go skinny-dipping.
And I'm just I'm trying to find it here.
I'm sure you'll really like it.
Let me just No.
Yeah, Heather, I, uh, am getting your father.
And leaving, right now.
Well, you don't have to yell at me about it.
Yeah, I'm I'm sorry.
Uh, I apologize.
I Russell, is there something wrong? You can tell me.
We're friends now, right? I hate funerals.
And And wakes All All of it.
I I lost my partner a few months ago.
Yeah, and I've I've been on On leave from the force since it happened.
I'm working part-time at the prison now.
That's how I got assigned to your dad.
Oh, well, um, Why don't we just make a toast? No.
I, uh - Yeah, I really shouldn't.
- Well, of course you should.
That's what today is all about, isn't it, remembering Well and forgetting? To? Rudy.
Best partner a guy could have.
To Rudy.
Only the good die young.
Well, how old was he when he passed? Oh, 8.
Yeah, so that's 56 in people years.
Oh, um, Cal.
What? This is Russell, and he just lost his best friend.
I'm sorry to hear about that, man.
Thank you.
I'm sorry about yours.
To Billy.
And to Rudy.
You You you should have seen him catch a tennis ball in his mouth.
Billy could do that.
Please leave me.
Leave me now.
I'm not leaving, darling.
- Cut.
- Mm? I'm sorry.
The director's cut is killing me.
Every time he yells "Cut," I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
No, no.
That that was nice.
Wasn't it? Except for those couple of times our teeth clinked.
Did I chip? No, you're good.
In fact, I'm thinking maybe we should have sex.
You want us to have actual sex? Why not? - Because there's a houseful of people.
- And a door that locks.
Besides, that'll only make it more exciting.
Do you have a condom on you? I forgot to renew my pills this month.
Hang on.
What is that, vintage? Uh, well, I guess it's been in there a while.
I'll go get a fresh one from Cal's room.
He probably has a case of them.
Get a couple.
What's up, Wolf? - What are you doing? - You know we have to dance to this one.
No, I'm not gonna dance with you.
- No, not now.
- Fine.
You don't have to dance.
You can stand there, and I'll dance for you.
Sweet dreams, officer.
Nice work, Wolf.
You still got it going on, lady.
Hey, where's my babysitter? Oh, he is passed out cold in my bedroom.
He might have accidentally had too much tequila.
My secret weapon.
Anything to keep you here, daddy.
That's my girl.
Where's your grandpa? Is he doing okay in there? cause I haven't seen him in a while.
Uh, grandpa's not in the house.
I haven't seen him since the cemetery.
I thought that he was going home with you and Cal and Hope.
Well, we thought he came home with you and Logan.
Oh, for god sake.
Hey, babe, relax.
I'm sure he's fine.
No, don't "Babe" Me.
This morning he thought we were burying your mother.
- I gotta go get him now.
- Heather Heather will go.
I said I'll take care of it, just like I've been taking care of everything else around here.
And action.
You alive over there? I'm sorry.
This is weird.
Don't you want to see your dad before he leaves? Yeah.
So just take me already, would you? Oh.
You like that? Oh, man.
Oh, Heather.
Oh, my god.
Say that again.
No, just go ahead.
Go ahead.
Say that again.
I'm I'm sorry.
I-I didn't Wait.
I know.
I'll go get a wig and some hooker underwear, then I'll have my I.
Removed, - We can just start all over.
- I'm really sorry.
Could you just go? Please just go.
Hope That's right.
Please just leave.
It's just, sometimes I just get a little off, cause I get thinking of you, see? And it just gets I don't know, lost.
I just get a little lost.
Hi, Cheryl.
She was one hell of a broad Rita.
She took to you right off.
Me I-I wasn't so sure.
Yeah, I kinda got that.
I thought, this gal's gonna clip my boy's wings, gonna make him fly all straight and narrow and like regular people.
And who wants that? And Rita said, "You give her a chance.
She is one of us.
" And she's right.
You let our wolf become the best man he could possibly be.
You really think Wolf is the best man he can be? Damn straight.
What's up your butt? You didn't even like Billy.
I'm having a bad day.
Well lose one of your best friends, then you can cry to me about it.
How you doing? Well, I don't know about you, but I'd really like for this party to end, huh? So leave then.
What's stopping you? Well, mom's out looking for grandpa, so I told her I'd hold down the fort.
Wouldn't want to disappoint mommy.
Listen, Cal, I, uh Cal, come on, man.
Did Logan go home? Yeah, just left.
Do you need me to stay and do anything or is it okay if I just go out? Where you going? Come here.
I had a little bit of temporary insanity of my own.
And, no, I don't want to talk about it, And, no, it's nothing for you to worry about.
You can not talk to me, but you can't stop me from worrying.
Then how about don't worry too much? Fair enough.
I'm okay.
Be right back.
Aw, man.
Why'd you have to go and follow me for? Get out of here before somebody sees you.
Help me or get lost.
Damn it.
Logan, no kidding.
Leave me alone.
What are you so hard up for cash for anyway? I'm gonna get dad a real lawyer.
That's nice.
Remind me again.
Which university did you go to? Oh, shut up.
I don't need some stupid degree to feel like I'm worth something.
I'm like dad, and I'm proud of that.
Oh, well, keep it up, Cal.
You'll end up in a cell with your role model.
You're just jealous because you know he likes me better than you.
You know what's pathetic? You trying to break into some stupid store for cash that is exactly what dad would have done, only he would have gotten in, he would have got the money, he would have done it better.
And that, in a nutshell, is the story of your life.
Cal, I love you, but you need to change, or you're gonna end up another dead loser Don't you say it.
like Billy.
Don't you ever talk he's more a man than you'll ever be! Say "Uncle"! Say "Uncle"! See you back at the house? All right.
Man, I miss this mattress.
The one I have now is about as thick as a dollar bill.
Are you tired? Long day.
because You owe me, you know.
How do you figure that? Well, the day I went to jail, when Mack busted in on us, we never got to finish.
What about the bathroom? Doesn't that count? The bathroom was "Hello.
" This will be "See you later.
" Do you have "Sixteen candles"? DVD or Blu-Ray? I went a little crazy on you today, but you have to forgive me.
I thought you were mad at me.
I mean, I'm the one who No, just let me talk.
I was using you.
I'm not on the pill.
I've never been with anybody.
It was starting to feel like this albatross around my neck, you know? Well, it was lower down.
I figured it'd be easier with you.
You could just devirginize me.
I'd get it over with, that'd be that there'd be no strings.
But maybe there oughta be strings with sex, And there should definitely be mutual hots, which, clearly, there isn't.
No, Hope, you're really cute.
It's not Okay, I know you have a thing for my sister.
And if that's what floats your boat, it's your tacky cruise ship.
So We're good? You are my island of sanity, Tad.
You're my best friend.
Not my best guy friend You're my best friend, period.
I can't afford to mess that up.
But today never happened, okay? You know That'd be an awesome idea for a screenplay The day that never happened.
It'd be like a reverse " Groundhog day.
" You're right.
Uh, where's your laptop? Hey, what do you know, no interruptions this time.
Spoke too soon.
What is it? Aw! Look at you two.
Hey, gorgeous.
What can I do for you? Russell says it's time for you to go back now.
Tell him I'll be out in a minute.
Wolf, things can't be the same when you get out.
It's different here now.
Yeah, let me count the ways You're broke, you're miserable, Uh, you're working lousy jobs, The kids are miserable seeing you this way.
"Different" Doesn't always mean "Better," Cheryl.
This life that we've made together, you and me, it's been pretty damn good.
Look where it's gotten us.
Look where it's gotten you.
If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything.
This is who I am.
You knew that when we met.
No false advertising here.
You're right.
Where is he? Bye, Russell.
It was fun hanging out with you.
Fun, yeah.
Don't let it get to you.
Nobody's immune to her.
Where's your brother? I wanted to say good-bye to him.
What's so funny? Well, do you care about saying good-bye to me.
Or is it just him? Oh, there's nothing I love better than saying good-bye to you.
- Where's Cal? - I don't know.
Probably doing something that he shouldn't.
That's my boy.
You know what? I'm glad that you think that that's so funny.
But let me tell you something, dad.
If anything happens to Cal like what happened to Billy, That is on you, and I swear to god, I will never, ever forgive you for it.
Nothing's gonna happen to Cal.
He's like me.
Well - I rest my case.
- Oh, "Rest my case.
" Big-shot lawyer you can stop reminding me.
What about when I'm trying to get you out of prison? Can I remind you then? I don't know what I did to make you the way you are.
Responsible, law-abiding, what? You look down on your family Not your mother, she walks on water as far as you're concerned But the rest of us You think you're so damn superior.
Yeah, well Like father, like son.
We don't even have that much in common.
Come on.
What are you waiting for? Let's go.
Dad! Where you been, man? I've been waiting for you.
What the are you kidding me? Look, can you give me a second? I won't go anywhere.
come on! Come on, Russell, on my daughters' lives.
Come on.
Come on, here! Come on! All right.
All right.
If you try anything funny, I'll shoot you.
Sure, you will.
All right, dad.
All right.
Cruz's family has a place in Baja, okay? This is the address.
You take it.
Dad, listen, man.
It's like Billy's right here with you, You and him and the little yellow digger.
Dad, come on, man, go.
This is your chance.
Hey, cal.
- Dad.
- Cal.
I can't.
It'll only make things worse for everybody.
Look, I need you to take care of things until I'm back.
It'll go quick.
But meantime, I want you to look out for your mom, your grandpa and the rest of all.
Will you do that for me? Yeah.
But, I mean, dad, come on, man.
I got You're a good boy, cal.
Look what you were gonna do for your dad.
I couldn't be prouder of you, son.
Thanks, dad.
See you, Russell.
Hey, mom.
Gonna head home.
You okay? Did you know I met your father when I was 16? I mean, can you imagine.
Hope meeting her future husband, Like, now? No, I can't.
Do you know what he did for our 1-month anniversary? He snuck onto my parents' property.
He poured gasoline all over the lawn.
In the shape of my name and lit it on fire.
Spelled "Cheryl" With an "S" And almost burned my house down.
But it's the thought that counts, right? Oh, my god.
I should have known I was in trouble, then and here.
Yeah, probably.
You think I'm weak when it comes to him.
No, no, Mom, I I don't.
I You know that thing That happens Between two people when they first meet? And it's supposed to fade away.
It's supposed to fade away, You know, after you After you push out a couple kids.
And you make a life and all.
But not with me and Wolf.
All that man has to do is just walk through the door.
You don't need to know this.
Mom, whatever my issues are with dad, They're not gonna get in the way of the appeal.
I'm gonna bust my ass nights, weekends.
- I'm gonna get him home to you.
- No.
No what? I love that man with every fiber of my being, But I saw what it was like today, with Wolf back here.
Everybody just circling around him like he was the damn sun Especially Heather and Cal.
Wolf back in this house it's not good.
All right, ma, I'm I'm tired.
It's late.
Now I'm confused.
What what are you saying? Our marriage It doesn't work.
It's not good for anybody anymore.
Logan I don't want you to do the appeal.
It's better if he stays inside.
Seriously? Are you sure? yeah.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.