Secret Diary of a Call Girl s04e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Sometimes you suddenly have to juggle a lot of things.
But whatever life throws at me .
.
being a madam, a prostitute, even a girlfriend, I can do it all.
Discreet Elite.
Yeah, she does do that.
All right.
OK.
Thanks very much.
Bye.
Morning, miss.
And where would you like your gramophone? I haven't used a record player in years.
That's why I got it for you.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
I love it.
Thank you.
Sorry, now you've got a bit of lipstick.
Lipstick.
Yes.
Come in.
What have we got here? Do you remember that club? Do you remember that club? Get up.
No.
Yes, get up.
No.
Whoo! Oh, Poppy, good morning.
Look what Ben got me.
Oh, it's cool.
Hi, Ben.
Oh, coffee.
Lifesaver.
Morning, Poppy.
Morning.
Hey.
Girlfriend.
Here.
Girl that's ten years younger than you there.
Girlfriend? Yes.
Interesting.
Mm.
I'm hoping that my girlfriend will soon have some time to see me when she's not being a madam.
Ssh.
She might hear you.
And, anyway, I'm not being a madam.
I'm just I'm just helping out an old friend.
Just for a couple of weeks.
If she gets out.
Yeah, she will get out.
And I will .
.
make some time for you, I promise.
Great.
I've got some time right now.
I can't right now.
I've got to go and see the girls.
OK, what what about Are you working this afternoon? I'm off at two.
Great.
I'll pick you up from work.
Right, great.
Everything's under control.
Oh, here's the supply teacher.
Morning, all.
Everyone all right? Mm-hm.
Yeah? Really good.
So You're late.
Yeah, sorry, I did try and c - Try harder.
OK.
First - I need some new supplies.
Whips, handcuffs.
I'll get you a list.
Yeah, all right.
I'm not one of your submissives, Charlotte.
What's next, put me in a gimp mask? So, first client Tim.
Very sweet guy.
Virgin.
Kat, what do you - No, no virgins.
They're so needy.
They practically lick your face.
They're all over you.
It's like feeding time at the monkey house.
And they come too quick.
You've got to do it again and again to fill up the time.
Or you have to talk to them for ages afterwards.
And they get clingy.
But I'm in love with you.
All right, girls, a bit of professionalism here, please.
This from the woman who kept us all waiting.
Look, every virgin I've ever had has been great.
Well, better than great.
No bad habits, no bad reviews.
No trouble.
Will somebody please take Tim? If you're so keen, why don't you take him? All right, I will.
Yeah.
I will take Tim.
You can always spot a virgin.
There's the ones who've been to an all-boys' school, the ones who are hooked on porn, the terminally unattractive and the guys who tried once but something bad happened.
But whichever Tim is, I'm going to go in there and give him the best damn night of his life.
Granted I may not be much of a madam but I'm one hell of an escort.
Look at you.
So you uh you said on the phone this was your first time.
That's OK, isn't it? Yeah.
I wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You only get one first time.
Are you sure you want it to be this? Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't be nervous.
You're going to have a lovely time.
You won't be needing this.
I just need to know what it's like.
Sure.
And there's only one way to find out, isn't there? Yes.
Ooh.
They're amazing, aren't they? You like touching them, don't you? You can be really gentle, Tim.
You're not trying to get Blu-Tack off the wall.
You're funny.
OK, yeah, that's really nice.
Yes.
Just there.
Mm-hm.
It's not like I expected.
It's quite a weird organ.
Is it? You open one door and you find another.
Now, why don't we try this? Can we - We can do whatever you want.
What do you want to do? Can we just lie here for a bit? Just for a bit.
Hm.
Is everything all right, Tim? Yeah.
This is really nice.
I'm going to go.
What? No.
Why? Belle, thank you.
Honestly, it was perfect.
Well, I didn't think it was.
Are you sure? Or Positive.
Thank you so much.
OK, let me let me tell you how I feel, Tim.
I feel as though I haven't really fulfilled my role in this I promise, you did.
You were great.
I'll see you.
Bye.
Right, I mean why go and see a prostitute if you don't want to have sex? Where is she? Belle? She's at work, I think.
Can I take a message? A message.
What a good idea? Make a list.
One - gold handcuffs.
Gold handcuffs.
What are you doing, you appalling little man? You don't call me, I call you.
Don't grovel.
It sickens me.
Er, gold handcuffs.
Oh.
Oh, that's a contract thing, right? What? I was thinking handcuffs.
Charlotte.
Oh, I was making a list.
What? Trevor.
Here's the rest.
Get back to me.
Now we speak.
Do you want me to use the clamps? Ciao.
Who was that? That was Charlotte.
Charlotte has some issues.
Ohh, Charlotte.
What? Hi.
Me again.
Did you just follow me home? Not in a creepy way.
I need to - No, there isn't a non-creepy way.
I really need to talk to you.
I can pay for your time.
It's completely inappropriate for you to follow me here.
I haven't got time for this.
I know.
Sorry.
I just No, hang on, wait.
Sorry, that was unfair.
Look, you'd better come in.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
Just come in.
Hello.
Hi.
Tim, just go through and make yourself comfortable.
Poppy, I need you to do me a favour.
I need to speak with my friend Tim and you need to go down to the bar and tell Ben I'm running late.
Sure.
OK.
I haven't been completely straight with you.
I'm not really a virgin.
Right.
Well, I am but I'm not.
But the thing is Oh, well, it's silly really.
Do you know Katy Perry? Yeah, I kissed a girl and Oh, you kissed a girl and you liked it? Yeah.
Which was a bit of a surprise because I'm gay.
So it caught me unawares.
Hang on, you're gay? You're gay.
That's why - It didn't work.
Exactly.
I didn't want it to.
I came to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong.
Thanks.
Of course.
Oh, that feels good.
This kissing a girl thing has been screwing with my head for a month.
That's why I came to you.
Your website is so professional.
I'm a web designer so Anyway My friend, Sophie, just split up with her boyfriend Phil.
And there was a big bottle of vodka and these tiny little glasses so we were quite pissed and suddenly we were having this big snog.
She said, 'We can't.
We're mates and you're - ' Gay.
Yeah.
So I was like, 'Sorry, I was really drunk but - ' It made you think you were straight.
No, no, I was born gay, no question.
But I did want to sleep with her.
I had to make sure.
It was driving me crazy.
I didn't want anyone to find out so I came to you.
But it didn't work so sorted.
Well, glad to have failed you, Tim.
It's just I think I've had the worst month of my life.
I feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.
Do you have time for this? Er, yeah.
Yeah, I can make time.
Yo.
Yo.
What are you doing here? Message from Belle.
Tim's come round so she's running late.
Who's Tim? Don't know.
Some guy.
She say how late? Well, that's just fucking magic, isn't it? I know.
After kissing Sophie I had this image of myself as a straight man.
Pipe and slippers? Hunky builder, thank you.
Oh, God, you're thinking camp builder.
Yes.
That's how everyone sees me at work.
They all love the only gay in the office.
To my mum I'm the creative one in the family who'll find the right man soon.
And now this.
Listen, I know, I mean I'm a prostitute.
I'm a madam.
Also known as a night-time legal secretary.
And, along with all of that, I'm a girlfriend.
A rubbish girlfriend.
I'm sure you're not.
You know, maybe you or maybe we just need to accept that all of those bits of us .
.
are still us.
They're all you and they're all me and it's just about finding the balance between them.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
And relax.
Look, I'll make it up to Ben, all right? We'll have a lovely, romantic evening.
Good.
You're here.
What? What do you want? Don't you ever listen? Stop coming here.
Happily.
Just give me Stephanie's book, let me run the agency and I'll flit away out of your life.
What? Oh, so that's what this is all about.
You hate the job, you're not suited to it.
Why not hand it over to someone who'd do it better? Look, I know what you're trying to do, coming here and making ridiculous requests but Stephanie asked me to take over the business and I can handle it.
And, what's more, I can handle you.
You're quite fun .
.
when you're angry, aren't you? Yes.
Now fuck off.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's 250 an hour.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, she does do that.
Yeah, and that.
Yes, and that.
Yeah, she loves it.
Yeah.
Er, no no, Jeff, because no-one does that.
OK, Jeff, all right.
Thank you.
OK, bye.
Bye.
I'm so sorry, Ben.
I'm sorry about this afternoon.
Me and Poppy had a great time.
No, no, I fucked up.
I'm sorry.
I promise I won't do it again.
OK.
And no more clients back at the house.
No more clients.
You - I don't want them to be there.
I know.
Where are we going? Ah, well Restaurants and musicals Yeah.
.
.
and all that date stuff you do for work, right? Mm.
This is something different.
In fact, if you have been here for work it's so totally over.
Mm.
Hey.
Hi, Mum.
Ben, Hannah.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Great to see you.
It's been so long.
Come in.
I've got to go straight through to the kitchen.
What happened to taking it slowly? Well Right.
What's for dinner, Mum? OK, two words, Ben.
What? Two words.
What? What? Skinny dipping.
That was your idea and you know it.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Sorry, Anna.
Don't mind me.
I was at art school with people who never put their clothes on.
I'm so sorry.
That was great, Mum, thanks.
Shall I make us some coffee? Yeah.
And chocolate.
Bring the chocolates.
Yeah, bring them.
Great.
Thank you.
I read your book.
What book? The one you wrote.
No, sorry, I don't know know what you mean.
We have quite a forward-thinking book group.
It's always interesting to see what .
.
gets passed off as feminism.
OK.
Jeremy is the sort of man who, aged seven, told his mother he wasn't going to school today because he wanted to help her make pots.
I mean, it's Ben, isn't it? Hannah, I'm not judging what you do or what you've done.
God knows, I slept with half of Camberwell in the '70s.
Mm, maybe I shouldn't have raised him in such a liberal environment.
Hi, Mum.
Hello, darling.
Um, wow, um I'm sure you didn't Are you still working? Um, yeah, but a lot less.
But you're still working.
Yeah.
Look, I don't know what's going on between you and Ben but I know how he feels about you.
Do you really think you can keep working and commit to him at the same time? So that was um that was grown up.
The tagine was good, right? Really good.
So what now? Have you got to work? No.
Let's I've been neglecting you.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Why don't we go and do something? Let's go out and do something.
I've got an idea.
OK.
You're not looking, are you? No.
All right.
I used to break in here when I was Oops.
Whoa.
My feet are soaked.
Stay here.
Keep them closed.
Whoo! Oww! So was the gramophone a present for me or a present for us? Really? Well, if you moved in .
.
you could play records on it too.
Now who isn't taking things slowly? Fuck slowly.
I want you with me.
Fuck slowly, huh? Yeah.
So romantic.
Yeah? So that's a yes? Yeah, I'd love to.
There is such a thing as overconfidence.
Fuck.
Jackie's here.
Yay! She's great, isn't she, Belle? She looks after the girls really nice.
What do you mean 'she looks after the girls'? Kat got herself into a spot of bother.
Who are you, please? You don't know me yet.
But I know you, Belle.
But whatever life throws at me .
.
being a madam, a prostitute, even a girlfriend, I can do it all.
Discreet Elite.
Yeah, she does do that.
All right.
OK.
Thanks very much.
Bye.
Morning, miss.
And where would you like your gramophone? I haven't used a record player in years.
That's why I got it for you.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
I love it.
Thank you.
Sorry, now you've got a bit of lipstick.
Lipstick.
Yes.
Come in.
What have we got here? Do you remember that club? Do you remember that club? Get up.
No.
Yes, get up.
No.
Whoo! Oh, Poppy, good morning.
Look what Ben got me.
Oh, it's cool.
Hi, Ben.
Oh, coffee.
Lifesaver.
Morning, Poppy.
Morning.
Hey.
Girlfriend.
Here.
Girl that's ten years younger than you there.
Girlfriend? Yes.
Interesting.
Mm.
I'm hoping that my girlfriend will soon have some time to see me when she's not being a madam.
Ssh.
She might hear you.
And, anyway, I'm not being a madam.
I'm just I'm just helping out an old friend.
Just for a couple of weeks.
If she gets out.
Yeah, she will get out.
And I will .
.
make some time for you, I promise.
Great.
I've got some time right now.
I can't right now.
I've got to go and see the girls.
OK, what what about Are you working this afternoon? I'm off at two.
Great.
I'll pick you up from work.
Right, great.
Everything's under control.
Oh, here's the supply teacher.
Morning, all.
Everyone all right? Mm-hm.
Yeah? Really good.
So You're late.
Yeah, sorry, I did try and c - Try harder.
OK.
First - I need some new supplies.
Whips, handcuffs.
I'll get you a list.
Yeah, all right.
I'm not one of your submissives, Charlotte.
What's next, put me in a gimp mask? So, first client Tim.
Very sweet guy.
Virgin.
Kat, what do you - No, no virgins.
They're so needy.
They practically lick your face.
They're all over you.
It's like feeding time at the monkey house.
And they come too quick.
You've got to do it again and again to fill up the time.
Or you have to talk to them for ages afterwards.
And they get clingy.
But I'm in love with you.
All right, girls, a bit of professionalism here, please.
This from the woman who kept us all waiting.
Look, every virgin I've ever had has been great.
Well, better than great.
No bad habits, no bad reviews.
No trouble.
Will somebody please take Tim? If you're so keen, why don't you take him? All right, I will.
Yeah.
I will take Tim.
You can always spot a virgin.
There's the ones who've been to an all-boys' school, the ones who are hooked on porn, the terminally unattractive and the guys who tried once but something bad happened.
But whichever Tim is, I'm going to go in there and give him the best damn night of his life.
Granted I may not be much of a madam but I'm one hell of an escort.
Look at you.
So you uh you said on the phone this was your first time.
That's OK, isn't it? Yeah.
I wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You only get one first time.
Are you sure you want it to be this? Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't be nervous.
You're going to have a lovely time.
You won't be needing this.
I just need to know what it's like.
Sure.
And there's only one way to find out, isn't there? Yes.
Ooh.
They're amazing, aren't they? You like touching them, don't you? You can be really gentle, Tim.
You're not trying to get Blu-Tack off the wall.
You're funny.
OK, yeah, that's really nice.
Yes.
Just there.
Mm-hm.
It's not like I expected.
It's quite a weird organ.
Is it? You open one door and you find another.
Now, why don't we try this? Can we - We can do whatever you want.
What do you want to do? Can we just lie here for a bit? Just for a bit.
Hm.
Is everything all right, Tim? Yeah.
This is really nice.
I'm going to go.
What? No.
Why? Belle, thank you.
Honestly, it was perfect.
Well, I didn't think it was.
Are you sure? Or Positive.
Thank you so much.
OK, let me let me tell you how I feel, Tim.
I feel as though I haven't really fulfilled my role in this I promise, you did.
You were great.
I'll see you.
Bye.
Right, I mean why go and see a prostitute if you don't want to have sex? Where is she? Belle? She's at work, I think.
Can I take a message? A message.
What a good idea? Make a list.
One - gold handcuffs.
Gold handcuffs.
What are you doing, you appalling little man? You don't call me, I call you.
Don't grovel.
It sickens me.
Er, gold handcuffs.
Oh.
Oh, that's a contract thing, right? What? I was thinking handcuffs.
Charlotte.
Oh, I was making a list.
What? Trevor.
Here's the rest.
Get back to me.
Now we speak.
Do you want me to use the clamps? Ciao.
Who was that? That was Charlotte.
Charlotte has some issues.
Ohh, Charlotte.
What? Hi.
Me again.
Did you just follow me home? Not in a creepy way.
I need to - No, there isn't a non-creepy way.
I really need to talk to you.
I can pay for your time.
It's completely inappropriate for you to follow me here.
I haven't got time for this.
I know.
Sorry.
I just No, hang on, wait.
Sorry, that was unfair.
Look, you'd better come in.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
Just come in.
Hello.
Hi.
Tim, just go through and make yourself comfortable.
Poppy, I need you to do me a favour.
I need to speak with my friend Tim and you need to go down to the bar and tell Ben I'm running late.
Sure.
OK.
I haven't been completely straight with you.
I'm not really a virgin.
Right.
Well, I am but I'm not.
But the thing is Oh, well, it's silly really.
Do you know Katy Perry? Yeah, I kissed a girl and Oh, you kissed a girl and you liked it? Yeah.
Which was a bit of a surprise because I'm gay.
So it caught me unawares.
Hang on, you're gay? You're gay.
That's why - It didn't work.
Exactly.
I didn't want it to.
I came to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong.
Thanks.
Of course.
Oh, that feels good.
This kissing a girl thing has been screwing with my head for a month.
That's why I came to you.
Your website is so professional.
I'm a web designer so Anyway My friend, Sophie, just split up with her boyfriend Phil.
And there was a big bottle of vodka and these tiny little glasses so we were quite pissed and suddenly we were having this big snog.
She said, 'We can't.
We're mates and you're - ' Gay.
Yeah.
So I was like, 'Sorry, I was really drunk but - ' It made you think you were straight.
No, no, I was born gay, no question.
But I did want to sleep with her.
I had to make sure.
It was driving me crazy.
I didn't want anyone to find out so I came to you.
But it didn't work so sorted.
Well, glad to have failed you, Tim.
It's just I think I've had the worst month of my life.
I feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.
Do you have time for this? Er, yeah.
Yeah, I can make time.
Yo.
Yo.
What are you doing here? Message from Belle.
Tim's come round so she's running late.
Who's Tim? Don't know.
Some guy.
She say how late? Well, that's just fucking magic, isn't it? I know.
After kissing Sophie I had this image of myself as a straight man.
Pipe and slippers? Hunky builder, thank you.
Oh, God, you're thinking camp builder.
Yes.
That's how everyone sees me at work.
They all love the only gay in the office.
To my mum I'm the creative one in the family who'll find the right man soon.
And now this.
Listen, I know, I mean I'm a prostitute.
I'm a madam.
Also known as a night-time legal secretary.
And, along with all of that, I'm a girlfriend.
A rubbish girlfriend.
I'm sure you're not.
You know, maybe you or maybe we just need to accept that all of those bits of us .
.
are still us.
They're all you and they're all me and it's just about finding the balance between them.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
And relax.
Look, I'll make it up to Ben, all right? We'll have a lovely, romantic evening.
Good.
You're here.
What? What do you want? Don't you ever listen? Stop coming here.
Happily.
Just give me Stephanie's book, let me run the agency and I'll flit away out of your life.
What? Oh, so that's what this is all about.
You hate the job, you're not suited to it.
Why not hand it over to someone who'd do it better? Look, I know what you're trying to do, coming here and making ridiculous requests but Stephanie asked me to take over the business and I can handle it.
And, what's more, I can handle you.
You're quite fun .
.
when you're angry, aren't you? Yes.
Now fuck off.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's 250 an hour.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, she does do that.
Yeah, and that.
Yes, and that.
Yeah, she loves it.
Yeah.
Er, no no, Jeff, because no-one does that.
OK, Jeff, all right.
Thank you.
OK, bye.
Bye.
I'm so sorry, Ben.
I'm sorry about this afternoon.
Me and Poppy had a great time.
No, no, I fucked up.
I'm sorry.
I promise I won't do it again.
OK.
And no more clients back at the house.
No more clients.
You - I don't want them to be there.
I know.
Where are we going? Ah, well Restaurants and musicals Yeah.
.
.
and all that date stuff you do for work, right? Mm.
This is something different.
In fact, if you have been here for work it's so totally over.
Mm.
Hey.
Hi, Mum.
Ben, Hannah.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Great to see you.
It's been so long.
Come in.
I've got to go straight through to the kitchen.
What happened to taking it slowly? Well Right.
What's for dinner, Mum? OK, two words, Ben.
What? Two words.
What? What? Skinny dipping.
That was your idea and you know it.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Sorry, Anna.
Don't mind me.
I was at art school with people who never put their clothes on.
I'm so sorry.
That was great, Mum, thanks.
Shall I make us some coffee? Yeah.
And chocolate.
Bring the chocolates.
Yeah, bring them.
Great.
Thank you.
I read your book.
What book? The one you wrote.
No, sorry, I don't know know what you mean.
We have quite a forward-thinking book group.
It's always interesting to see what .
.
gets passed off as feminism.
OK.
Jeremy is the sort of man who, aged seven, told his mother he wasn't going to school today because he wanted to help her make pots.
I mean, it's Ben, isn't it? Hannah, I'm not judging what you do or what you've done.
God knows, I slept with half of Camberwell in the '70s.
Mm, maybe I shouldn't have raised him in such a liberal environment.
Hi, Mum.
Hello, darling.
Um, wow, um I'm sure you didn't Are you still working? Um, yeah, but a lot less.
But you're still working.
Yeah.
Look, I don't know what's going on between you and Ben but I know how he feels about you.
Do you really think you can keep working and commit to him at the same time? So that was um that was grown up.
The tagine was good, right? Really good.
So what now? Have you got to work? No.
Let's I've been neglecting you.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Why don't we go and do something? Let's go out and do something.
I've got an idea.
OK.
You're not looking, are you? No.
All right.
I used to break in here when I was Oops.
Whoa.
My feet are soaked.
Stay here.
Keep them closed.
Whoo! Oww! So was the gramophone a present for me or a present for us? Really? Well, if you moved in .
.
you could play records on it too.
Now who isn't taking things slowly? Fuck slowly.
I want you with me.
Fuck slowly, huh? Yeah.
So romantic.
Yeah? So that's a yes? Yeah, I'd love to.
There is such a thing as overconfidence.
Fuck.
Jackie's here.
Yay! She's great, isn't she, Belle? She looks after the girls really nice.
What do you mean 'she looks after the girls'? Kat got herself into a spot of bother.
Who are you, please? You don't know me yet.
But I know you, Belle.