Seed (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Getting Tail

Formerly anonymous sperm donor with coffee at the door.
Are you okay? I feel weird.
I'm all refreshed and clear-headed.
Why's it so bright? It's eight A.
Eight A.
!? Charlie finally slept through the night.
How do we know he's not just lying in his crib with his eyes open.
Our baby is sleeping like a baby.
I finally get that expression.
Oh my god.
I can go back to bed! I can have breakfast at breakfast time! Cries like a baby.
Now that's an expression I get.
Seed 2x05 - Season 2, Episode 5 Original air date April 3, 2014 Well Bruce, my baby is sleeping through the night, and I'm all refreshed.
Which is good news for you.
Cause now I have time for more adult activities.
What kind of adult activities? Something very fun and very wet Mermaid movies! Hey cool! Alright.
We've got Tom Hanks with hair, Christina Ricci with clothes Now I've got a surprise for you too.
Ooooh, what is it? Something very big, and salty, and sticky.
Kettle corn.
Oh yes! It's Sunday.
You never pick up Anastasia on Sundays.
It's not Sunday.
Just because I work irregular hours doesn't mean I don't know what day it is.
It's Saturday.
It's Sunday.
I have to go to work ten minutes ago.
Your moms are doing their ladies' brunch thing, so How'd you like to watch your old man slinging drinks at the Pour House? Again? Come on, it'll be fun.
I'll teach you how to roll knives and forks into napkins! Should he really be spending the day in a bar? Why not? Anastasia's doing it tomorrow.
Excuse me? Tomorrow's Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
Absolutely not.
And there is no such thing as "take your sperm kid" "to your sorry excuse for a job day.
" You know, you and me we practically have the same job.
We both talk to strangers.
Except I get tips.
Neither of these children are spending the day in a bar.
Jonathan will look after Billy today.
I will? I think we're forgetting to factor in someone's opinion here.
You're right.
Hey, champ.
You mind spending a few hours with Ana's dad today? Sure.
I don't need to have fun every day.
See, it's all settled.
Have him to his moms' by four.
Thanks, buddy.
Have fun! Do you like magic? Because I think I see a quarter in your ear.
Yep, I can see it right there.
I'm just going to check in the dish on my dresser and then I'm gonna take that quarter from inside your ear.
Two unrelated things So how are things with this Bruce? Great.
He's so good with Charlie, he took him and Kyle to the playground this morning.
He only lives a few blocks from here.
And he really knows his way around the- The bedroom? Oh.
I was going to say 'the neighbourhood.
' He knows where all the good playgrounds are.
Well, bedrooms can be playgrounds, too.
Babe? Don't pry into Rose's sex life.
No, no.
It's okay.
I mean, there's not much to tell, really.
We have totally done sex together.
And lately we've been watching a lot of movies.
Movies? You just met.
Your whole life should be sex, sex rehydrating, and sex.
Yeah, our first year together was one long orgasm.
It was like a women's prison in here.
We like watching movies.
Oh, well that can be exciting.
Yeah, especially that spark when your hands meet in the popcorn bowl? We use separate bowls.
Okay, you need to spice things up.
Spice? Something sexy to entice him.
Michelle has this Princess Leia outfit from years ago that doesn't fit her anymore it totally still fits her, so you can't borrow it.
Anyways you get the idea.
Dress up as his favourite movie character.
Okay, ya I'll give it some thought.
What's wrong now? You don't look the slightest bit entertained.
If you didn't like The Power Rangers, you should have said so before I did that big death scene.
It's like you just skimmed the Wikipedia page.
Twenty minutes is not skimming.
I guess I'll just read a comic Harry bought me.
Fine by me.
I can get some work done.
What's that? This? It's a spreadsheet.
I've never seen so many rectangles in my life.
They're smart rectangles.
You put numbers in like this, and then you hit SUM, and it adds them up for you.
Do that again.
Jonathan's a rectangle wizard! A rectangle wizard? Yeah, and a regular wizard! Do you know what he pulled out from my ear? A cheque for fifty cents! Impressive.
And the way he knows the tax code? It was the best day ever! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think you're forgetting about a certain indoor water balloon fight at a certain someone's apartment? That was fun.
But it wasn't spreadsheet fun.
How about the time we shot squirrels with my marshmallow gun? Good times, right? Yeah, but I bet Jonathan could use rectangles to figure out how to hit the squirrels every time.
I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt your feelings with that Jonathan stuff.
My feelings aren't hurt.
If anything they're healthier than ever.
You're sure it doesn't bother you? So Billy enjoys one day with Jonathan.
Big deal.
I mean, not a big deal.
At all.
I mean small deal.
I mean no deal.
Tomorrow's a PA day Sure, buddy, I can watch you Can I ask Jonathan to hang out again? Please? Sure bud.
Alright, yeah, I'll pencil you in for ten o'clock.
We'll start with a ledger analysis.
I'll have a copy of our agenda when you arrive.
I'm looking forward to it too.
Okay, bye, Billy.
You can't be with Billy tomorrow, it's Take Your Child to Work Day.
I know.
And you're taking our daughter to work.
Since when? Since I became that boy's only hope for a future that involves math.
Oh, sorry sweetie.
I'd be happy to take you to my work another time.
That's okay, Daddy.
I don't need to learn about taxes.
We're rich.
Just please don't make me go to work with Mom.
What's wrong with my work? It's lame.
Ana, we've told you not to use the word 'lame'.
There are people out there with real walking difficulties.
Besides, child psychology is an exciting field.
You're going to love it.
What turns you on? Pardon moi? What turns guys on? Oh my god.
So much.
Anything involving the five senses, day dreams, regular dreams, fictional characters, non-fictional characters, minerals No.
Imagine we're dating.
What would make you want to sleep with me? You wanting to? Harry, how do I spice things up with Bruce? Sexually, I mean.
Change the location.
I've heard that's over-rated, and really uncomfortable.
She meant a different room in the house.
No I didn't.
Zoey mentioned costumes.
Just think of things you guys like to do together and turn that into sex.
Commuting? Kidding, obviously I got this.
Thanks for dropping him off.
Always happy to help.
I figured Billy might like some stuff from my place.
Fireworks, a bb gun, couple of lawn darts Aren't lawn darts illegal? For being too much fun.
Look, I'm totally cool with Billy's "liking you" phase.
But sooner or later he's got to get tired of spreadsheets.
Jonathan, is there a way to move a number from a row to a column without re-keying it? Copy the cells you want, then click on the new location, then go to Edit, Paste, Special, Transpose.
This is so cool.
Face it Harry, I'm fun.
You're right.
And this is about Billy and what's the most fun for him.
But if you really want Billy to have as much fun as possible, I know a place you could take him Hi, we'd like a pocket billiards table.
Oh, and a children's menu.
That was great work today, Gwen.
You were on fire.
I mean, not fire.
No fires.
No one is encouraging you to light anymore fires.
Just, it was really good work.
We'll see you next week.
You treat Chad Simpson? What's wrong with him? That's confidential - and so are those files.
I treat girls at your school.
I know.
I can't believe Jennifer Schultz is a kleptomaniac.
I knew that cow stole my head phones.
You can't do that, Ana.
But it's boring out here.
Can I just come in for the next session? Who's your next freak? A therapy session is private, Ana.
What if I promise not to tweet anything? Okay, how about this.
Why don't we go downtown and have lunch on a patio.
I don't have another client for three hours.
That actually sounds kind of awesome.
I'm glad you came to work with me.
Me, too.
Otherwise I'd never have known how cushy your job is.
"Cushy"? Good money, hardly any patients.
You just sit around all day.
I'm totally going to be a child psychologist.
It's barely even a job.
Rose? Are you here? Yes I aa-am.
How did you get in? I used the key under the mat.
Did you get my note? Yeah, you spelled "see" wrong.
It will all make sense when you "sea" the little surprise I have for you.
Well I have a surprise for you, too.
Oh, really? My parents are in town.
They finally get to meet you.
Norman, we're finally get to meet the girl Bruce is sweet on.
That calls for one of my soups.
Come on out, Rose.
They're dying to meet you.
Just a sec.
Rose do you have any allergies? Norman makes a wonderful corn chowder but it does have dairy.
You know - oh - I'm not super hungry right now Guys, forget the soup for a minute.
Let's come say hi.
Come on, you're gonna love her.
Mom, Dad, say hello to Rose.
I'm just saying, I saw some lawn darts.
It makes me question how reliable Jonathan really is.
Jonathan is the king of reliability.
Reliability won't stop a steel dart from flying at someone's eye.
You're jealous of Jonathan and Billy's friendship.
Ha! How does it feel to be Harry'd by another parent? You're I can't because that's so wrong.
Come on, Billy! I'm going to take you to a movie! The best movie ever! What's playing in theaters right now? Harry, Billy's not here.
Jonathan hasn't brought him back yet.
Well that's just great.
Jonathan is probably filling his head with facts and information? I mean, where does this end? Grad school.
Possibly NASA.
They're five hours into their day together? You know what? I'm going to go catch up with them.
Should we be worried? Naaaa, they're right on schedule.
This is Jonathan we're talking about here, right.
The King of Reliability.
The Pope of Punctuality.
I just want to go see how much fun they're having.
Because you're right.
I'm jealous.
But I'll be okay Are you sure? You look a little freaked out.
Not as freaked out as Rose.
Can I borrow some pants? God I wish I could stay for this.
I gotta go.
Hey, have you seen a guy come in here with a little kid? What I seen or not seen is none of your business.
So they were here? Look, this guy Jonathan isn't exactly street smart.
He could really get himself into trouble in a place like this.
What do you mean "a place like this"? Just tell me, did someone rough him up? Or stab him? Is he being stabbed right now - look, you gotta tell me, because he is not good with blood.
You need to leave now.
My lawn darts.
Hey you can't go in there! Billy! You can't go in there! Billy! Harry! Harry, thank god you're here.
Are you guys okay? What's going on? Yeah, we're fine.
I just wanted to know how much bartenders make in tips.
I'm doing Marge's tax returns.
Oh, uh, Marge, that's Harry.
You just broke my door.
Oh, umm.
Nice to meet you all.
You good? I think I might have given you the wrong idea about being a psychologist.
No you didn't.
I saw how cushy it is.
You had two clients all day, we took a three hour lunch, and we left at four.
So cushy.
Okay, stop saying cushy.
Cush? No.
Easy-peasy? My work is hard.
It takes hours of preparation for each client, and it takes even more work to build a successful practice.
So you're saying you have a successful practice? Well I'm going to do what you do.
It's so easy, I'll get by even if my practice is an epic fail.
Oh God.
My practice is an epic fail.
Moms! We came as soon as we got your call.
Are you okay, sweetie? Yeah but Harry might have a dislocated knee.
Right - from kicking down a door? No, from acting out how he kicked down the door for those ladies over there.
Not to worry.
I diffused the situation with charm.
Jonathan told a knock knock joke.
I wish he was kidding.
Orange you sorry you missed it? How could you bring my child to a place like this? This is no place for a kid, Jonathan.
Isn't that obvious? We expected a lot more from you.
But you're the one who recommended I bring Billy Now is not the time for excuses, Jonathan.
Moms! Jonathan taught me about physics.
This is a refractive angle.
I want to be a physicist now.
You what? Good for you! Really? Not bad, J-man! He gets a cool nickname now? You know I suggested that Jonathan bring Billy here.
Well, isn't that interesting? Typical.
Dammit, Jonathan, do you have to show me up in every possible way? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get in between you and your kind of son.
The popularity went to my head.
Great, so now you're the bigger man too? I am? Thank you.
You're welcome.
Kids, huh? Yeah they make you crazy.
Only if you love them.
One of you have to pay up.
The kid lost fifty bucks to me in pool.
Billy's lucky to have you Jonathan.
Um debit? Just to be clear, I wasn't trying to spice things up because I'm unhappy.
I was trying to spice things up because I'm not.
I thought you were unsatisfied because we do movie marathons instead of each other.
But that never bothered me because I'm tired and I love movies, and I'm happy the way things are.
I'm tired, too.
I'm tired right now.
Me too.
This is great.
Who needs electricity? What? I'm just saying I'm not worried about us one way or another.
One way or what other? Like if our relationship lasts or not.
With you, that's never on my mind.
Because you trust me? Because I know whatever happens, it won't hurt that much.
My other relationships were SO passionate and intense.
But is not like that.
Whatever happens, happens.
We should break up.
Excuse me? If the idea of losing me is that small of a deal for you, then I need to stop dating you.
I'm sorry if that upsets you.
It doesn't really upset you, does it? I wish it did Sorry.
Sorry I was delayed.
What's wrong? Take Your Daughter to Work Day turned into Take a Look at Your Life Day.
Well that's good.
You have a great life.
I barely have a handful of patients.
A handful of patients in the hand is worth two in the You're a great psychologist.
If you were your own patient, what would your advice be? I would probably advise myself to get a new psychologist.
Honey Well, I would say maybe the reason you have so few clients is because you keep fixing them.
Ten sessions and off they go.
Boo hoo, Janet is actually good at what she does.
Well done.
And then I would say get out of your office and get home to that sexy, supportive husband of yours.
Well that's good advice.
I can't believe it's over between me and Bruce.
Are you trying to make yourself cry? No maybe.
Ugh, break-ups should hurt right? I feel great.
If it helps, you're a 30-something single mom with a boring job, little family, and no friends.
It does! Thanks Irene! Let me walk you through my budget for a family trip to Hawaii.
Impossible, you say? Not with the magic of spreadsheets.
As you can see, we can spend more money on candy if we sleep outside.
Hi, Mrs.
Schultz? Did your daughter Jennifer bring home a pair of red headphones? I knew it! What a thief! No, I can't say who's calling.
It's doctor-client privilege.
Maybe next time you try to spice things up you should go for something that isn't a full body chastity belt I mean, how do Mermaids even do it? So you're okay? Breaking up with Bruce? I'm really good.
It's sweet of you to check in on me but you didn't have to do that.
Hey, I'm just here for Cher.
And how can we be an hour into a movie called Mermaids and still no mermaids? Ow.
Did you just feel a spark? No.
Probably just static.