Seed (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

Mall My Children

Wave bye-bye to your DNA donor daddy.
That's me.
More than an Uncle, less than a husband.
Barely an employee.
We have a day of grocery shopping ahead of us, don't we Charlie? Yes we do.
A whole day? Are you crawling there? You know Charlie can't crawl yet Rose.
Ha ha.
With a baby everything takes triple the time, and double the barf.
And ten times the complaining.
Well, all of mommy's hard work is worth it because you're so special.
Oh, yes he is you're the cutest baby in town Oh, yes he is Harry's going to help me at the grocery store today Oh, yes he is Oh.
What's wrong?! That scale is broken, you can't believe it I found porn under Billy's bed.
Honey that's not porn, that's just a men's magazine.
Billy's not even ten.
And ten is not 'men.
' We caught Billy in a strip club last year.
At least these women are wearing bikini tops.
Or carefully balanced soda crackers.
No, it's not the nudity, it's the fakeness.
Look atthese women are so airbrushed, it creates unrealistic expectations.
They might as well be Barbies.
But you bought Billy a Barbie? That was landscaper Barbie and she has very realistic hips.
This is shocking behaviour coming from the son of a loving, well-adjusted lesbian couple.
When Billy was born, we both knew there would be a good chance he wouldn't grow up to be a lesbian.
But how did he even get a hold of this garbage? Harry.
Obviously, the magazine is mine.
Magazine? Why don't you just use your cellphone the way God intended.
To look at boobs in the bathroom.
Harry, we discussed this, porn stays behind the bar.
It's not porn.
It's got interviews with serious Emmy award winning actresses.
Who just happen to be greased up and wearing string as clothes.
I have that in red.
Well I applaud you Michelle.
I wish my mom had given me stuff like this.
Ew, I didn't give it to Billy.
He must have found it, and then unfortunately Zoey found it in his bedroom.
Oh come on Harry, you've gotta help me.
Oh, no.
I'm not taking the fall for this one.
This one's all on you.
But Zoey would be so hurt if she knew this was mine.
But if it's yours, it's just the same sexist male B.
S.
she's always railing against.
And she loves that fight.
Come on, do it for Zoey.
Just come clean.
About being dirty.
Ugh, three already? I'm late.
Cool, your pocket porn machine also tells time.
Ah ha ha ha.
I know this is taking forever, Charlie, but the stupid grocery store puts the stupid baby stuff at the opposite ends of the stupid aisles.
So here we stupid are.
Excuse me, could you Oh, hi, would you mind, I can't Beep beep! You're not the only one shopping, you know.
Oh, you're not done yet? Wow.
People are jerks.
Will you watch Charlie for a second? Aw, you modern fathers! Look at you two, shopping on your own.
Do you know where the butter is? Take mine, you sweet sweet man, you.
Did that old meanie actually help you? You're just tired, Rose.
People love helping people with babies.
Right? Don't they Charlie? Oh, just take the whole tray there, super dad.
Thanks! Oh hi, Michelle.
They'll be right down.
It's so nice that Ana has a little brother to take under her wing.
Ana's teaching him the difference between angora and cashmere.
Billy didn't mention anything out of the ordinary, did he? Not today.
But last time he said he wants to be a "taxidermist, but for people.
" Did Billy seem to have anything inappropriate on his mind? Mention any reading material? Ah, he found your porn? It's not porn.
It's a men's magazine.
For gross men Or refined lesbians.
Look, Zoey is worried that Billy saw it and got the wrong idea about the human body.
This isn't about Billy, this is about you and Zoey.
Excuse me? Everyone has something.
Porn, erotica, secret toys.
Extra-spousal fantasies are part of any healthy relationship.
Would you do me a favour and tell all that to Zoey for me? Mom, look.
Anastasia's shrug fits me.
This is angora.
I'm wearing the skin of a bunny! I accidentally shrank it.
So I accidentally have to buy a new one.
In black.
Like I wanted in the first place.
Bye mom.
Thank you Janet.
I overheard what you said to Michelle.
That was a very sweet lie about how everyone fantasizes about being with someone else.
Jonathan, I wasn't lying.
It's true.
Fantasies are no cause for concern.
Well, I'm concerned.
Not everyone fantasizes about being with other people.
I don't.
You don't? No.
I fantasize about my beautiful smart wife.
Wait, are you seriously telling me that you've never thought, never thought, about "being" with someone else? Oh, really? No.
Never.
The pictures in this magazine do not tell the truth.
Women don't look this perfect in real life.
I know.
Women in real life look like you.
Thank you I think.
You know what? It's really Harry we should be talking to about this.
He must have left it here in the first place.
Yes, that's obviously exactly what happened.
Case closed.
Is Harry in trouble because of this magazine? - Not this time - In a way.
We just need to have a big chat with him.
Huge.
Okay, look, the magazine is mine.
What? I got it from a kid at school.
Bradley Tanner.
Don't be mad at Harry.
Billy, are you trying to protect Harry? We don't need to interrogate the poor kid.
No, I totally got it from Bradley.
Billy, we are very disappointed in you.
We don't lie about these types of things.
Do we mommy Michelle? Correct.
Byyyye! Wave bye to the nice employees Charlie! The manager said if I ever need a sitter to give her a call.
Ha-ha, of course she did.
Did I do something to annoy you? No, society did.
It's not being a single parent that's hard, it's being a single mom.
Single dads have it easy.
Single mom, single dad, what's the difference? Free babysitting, extra samples.
Do you know how many strangers asked to take my photo with Charlie today? Seven three? Zero.
Everywhere you go, it's like the father of the year parade.
Any man who hasn't abandoned his baby is like some kind of hero.
Trust me, single fatherhood isn't a total cake walk.
Can you pop the trunk? Do you need a hand with those? Oh, sure.
Thanks.
You work here? Nope.
You're right.
Being a single dad rules.
Harry, I'm worried Billy's falling in with the wrong crowd.
He's in fifth grade.
What does the wrong crowd even do, not line up nice for library? No, Bradley Tanner gave him a dirty magazine.
I thought Bradley moved to Des Moines to de beat of de music.
Bradley moved? Billy lied about where he got the magazine! Look, he must have been protecting Harry.
Is this magazine yours Harry? Absolutely not.
Really? You sure? You're not at all going to take responsibility for this? Well, we need to find out where that magazine really came from.
I wish I could stick around for this, but I gotta run errands.
Hey, good luck getting to the truth Michelle.
You too, Zoey.
Single dads have things freakishly easy.
I returned that onesie for you without a receipt.
The clerk just handed me cash.
Cash? For the onesie I washed? And when I asked her if she had a diaper change station she cried and said she wished she'd had a dad like me.
Then the manager congratulated me for not dropping Charlie even once.
Seriously? You're like a V.
I.
P.
You are a king among men when it comes to getting things done.
Is this one of those compliments where you want something from me? No.
Here's your list of errands to run today.
My list? This is only half of what we need to do? Yes half.
Ugh, back to easy street Charlie.
Curse my single dad powers.
Why couldn't I have just been born a single mom? Jonathan, you have no gift for the clandestine.
Don't open that.
Darling.
I've already told you.
Don't be embarrassed by your fantasies.
It's not fantasy, it's Sci-Fi.
There's a big difference.
"Sentient time machine of the night?" "Revenge of the venusian tripods"? It's pronounced "tripids".
Please put those back, the humidity isn't good for them.
I don't know what to say.
How about, "thank you"? While other guys are sneaking around reading their porno blogs, I've only fantasized about you.
You're all the porno I need.
Well thanks a lot.
Well you're very well was that sarcasm? Do you have any idea how much pressure that puts me under? I don't want to be solely responsible for your imaginary satisfaction.
But if I imagined being with anyone else, it would be like cheating on you.
Real cheating is sleazy.
Imaginary cheating is kind of hot.
Really? Imagine I've been dead for years.
A woman comes over to fix the cable.
You let her in, she brushes close to you, your eyes meet, then what happens? I cry.
Because I miss my dead wife.
Oh God! And I wouldn't need my cable fixed without you alive to watch TV with.
Oh my God, is something wrong? Oh, Ana, it's okay.
Your mother is healthy and fine.
We're all fine.
Everything's fantastic.
Your father is just burdening me with his unrealistic devotion.
So the cable's not broken? Okay thank God.
We know you didn't get that magazine from your friend Bradley.
Where did you get it, Billy? He probably doesn't remember.
Kids' memories are like gold fish.
A couple of minutes and zap, deleted.
Whose side are you on, anyway? I'm not on any side Except for your side.
I want what's best for women? I got it from I got it from The convenience store on Walnut.
Wow.
Finally the truth.
Only one thing to do now.
Boycott that store.
Stay away from it.
Pretend it never existed.
That's a great idea.
Really? Great! In principle.
But they can't get away with selling magazines to minors like that.
We need to talk to that convenience store owner.
Sure, yeah, I'll set something up Now! Aren't you just the cutest pair? Look at you two out on your own.
Yep.
Even though I'm a man, I am watching this baby.
By myself.
Would you like to try one of our massage chairs? Ohhh.
I couldn't But.
.
Maybe just for a brief second.
Ohhhhh yeah.
That's the stuff.
Running errands for your wife, too? Doesn't it look like I'm running errands? Hi pumpkin, daddy's right here.
Hey, little buddy.
Lookin' good.
Hello.
Harry, I need your help.
Janet's mad about my porn collection.
Mad I don't have one.
Seriously? Come on.
You must have something.
A DVD under the mattress? A couple of MPEGs in a folder named receipts? I have nothing of the sort.
You don't even have a draft email with a link to dirty gifs? No, and it's "jiffs", but I didn't call for a fight.
Janet's being crushed under the burden of my faithful fantasy life.
How do I make it up to her? You gotta porn up, my friend.
Janet needs unrealistic expectations to live up to.
I need to buy porn To save my marriage.
That's what it's there for, buddy.
Buy it, hide it, and let her find it, she'll thank you for it.
You got a pen? I'll give you a couple of titles.
Okay.
Did you say hot, wet skunks? Oh.
Yep.
Okay.
Do I need to know what these letters stand for? Good luck, buddy.
Try setting your chair to nine.
Oh nine is good.
Nine is good.
Nine is good Do you want to come in with me? I'll stay here with Billy so you can use whatever words you want to use on that guy.
You mean swear words? Which ones? All of them.
I didn't get the magazine here.
I found it at home.
And I just wanted to protect Harry.
Billy, there's something I need to tell you I believe you.
Angry curses and profanities! I'm pretending to yell at you! I'm not really yelling at you.
Miss, are you almost done? Look, when the guilt gets to be too much for my wife she will admit this is her magazine.
I mean I can't believe how she's kept this going.
I'm mad! Mad about photoshopped butts! You need to look more confused sir.
Yes, like that.
I'm so not really yelling at you! Hullo? Oh hey Rose.
Busy, busy.
Yeah, no well, a little bit delayed.
Someone decided to take a nap.
I burped him, he's in his stroller! No, yeah, we're headed to the car now.
How are you doing with your errands? I might need a little more time.
At the bank, I mean.
This mortgage stuff is more complicated than I thought.
The red one, please.
The red mortgage.
But you rent.
It's a Rentally mortgaged situation.
I don't have time to explain money to you, Harry.
Your nails are really awful.
Is it your first time in shades of pink? You sound pretty busy.
Yeah, single mom's work is never done.
Uh huh, uh huh.
I can't believe she's still yelling at the poor guy.
Is Is he crying? So how much longer are you going to be at the bank? Oh, just signing the financial papers now.
At the bank, huh? Did you go for the chequeing manicure or savings? What are you doing here? Slaving away on your errands.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted a little me-time, and everything's so much easier for you.
You used me.
I screwed up.
But you got a little extra time with Charlie.
What? That's not Charlie.
Oh, boy.
Girl? Oh boy.
Looks like mom's using a lot of bad words in there.
Poor poor innocent man.
Ugh, wait here.
Blah blah blah! Leave that poor man alone.
The magazine is mine.
He didn't sell it to Billy.
I bought it and Billy found it.
But at least I had the courage to tell the truth.
And that counts for something.
You don't look nearly as shocked as I expected.
You knew? You used one of your business cards as a bookmark.
Excuse me? Do you have any other pornography? You're missing some of these recommended titles Oh gosh! Oh God! Charlie! Such a nice baby.
Oh, thank you.
I am so sorry I left him here.
But he's fine.
Look at him.
I can't believe you lied to me.
I lied? You said you were getting a mortgage, not a mani-pedi! But you live in single dad Shangri-la.
I was taking a break from being a single mom.
What were you taking a break from? Walking.
It's a big mall.
Where is he? All I see is a hobo with a nosebleed.
Wait.
Dad? I'm here.
I'm okay.
Oh my God.
What happened? It's really hard to explain.
Oh no, he just had a mishap while buying these pornographic magazines.
Oh! Dad that is so gross.
Oh my God! No, you don't understand.
I did this all for your mother.
I know what you're going to say I have never loved you as much as I love you right now.
That's not my first guess.
I'm really, really sorry, Billy.
And hopefully we've all learned a lesson from this.
Yep! I learned that pictures of people are bad, because bodies are bad.
I guess that's why people wear clothes.
To hide their ugly bodies.
No.
No.
The magazine is only bad because it doesn't show how bodies really look.
And real bodies are beautiful in every way.
Oh! Ahhh! Hey, guys.
There! That's the guy who stole my baby! Found him: Lone male, early thirties.
Requesting back up.
I repeat: Lone male has the missing infant.
No! No back up! I'm not a lone male! I'm with her! What's going on? We're a family.
I'm not a lone male.
It's just a simple baby mix up.
Cancel that, dispatch.
Not a lone male, just a regular guy and his family.
It's probably best if I don't run any more errands for you.
Ugh.
Darn.
"Damsel of desire?" "Passion pirates?" You've been reading heterosexual romance novels? I know it's wrong.
But that's what makes it so irresistible! I'm going to need a little time.
You're filthy.
Being a single parent is tough.
You gotta take time out for yourself every now and then.
I couldn't agree more.
Ooh! That tickles! Whoops! Looks like you found my secret folder of fantasy videos.
How careless of me.
Why would your secret folder be right out there in the open? A real secret video folder would be buried somewhere like right over there.
Don't click on that! I can't un-see that.
Don't hurt me.