Seed (2013) s02e07 Episode Script

Mother Sucker

Flowers for me or are you going to a funeral? Funeral, actually.
Billy's hamster died.
Be nice if you sent a card.
Service is at three.
Wish I could, but I've only been cleaning for the last 8 hours and mom's arriving tomorrow to see Charlie so please just be the perfect fake boyfriend, okay? You really think we can fool her? Over Skype is easy, but it's been over a year now, just tell her you used a sperm donor.
We can totally pass as a couple.
Just be really passive aggressive and undermine everything I say.
That won't be easy.
Skype Harry is a gentleman.
No no, I told you, no accents and no props.
I don't have to do this.
If it wasn't for this little sham, I'd be hooking-up with Beth the butcher.
She's an ethical butcher I've been dating.
Fortunately she leaves her ethics at work.
Anyway, you're right.
I shouldn't be afraid of my mom.
I'll tell her the truth when I get her at the airport tomorrow.
Mom?! Where's that grandson of mine? I know I'm early but I didn't want you to make a fuss cleaning.
I can see I'll have to help you with that now.
Nice to finally meet you Harry.
No ascot? It's at the cleaners, my dear Wendy.
It's nice to meet you Wendy.
Rose has something to tell you.
Oh.
Well.
It can't be worse than having a baby out of wedlock.
The truth is Harry and I aren' aren' are engaged! What? No! So amazing! Oh my God! Oh my God! Wifi's not working.
Do something! Relax.
Not having Internet access is not the worst thing in the world.
Yes it is.
Maybe I can Google how to fix it oh.
This just means that we can spend more time together as a family, bonding.
Gross.
Why would I want to do that? Because I'm your mother and we should spend time together.
So why don't you grab a book, sit with me and read? Ugh.
I hate all those things.
Billy, she was a great rodent.
Hamione left a will.
She asked that her food be donated to the local animal shelter.
Aw.
Like mother like son like hamster.
And she left me the new Xbox console.
Hamione didn't have an Xbox.
Who are we not to grant a dying hamster's last wish? Time to put you six inches under.
Some funeral.
Thought there'd at least be some of those little triangle sandwiches.
Babe, we don't have wills.
I can't believe a hamster's more organized than us.
You know the hamster didn't really have a will, right? We need to decide on a guardian in case we die together.
I mean, the likelihood is tiny Well, you are a terrible driver.
I'm a great driver.
I don't think many curbs would agree with you.
Or garbage cans.
Or cats.
Look, it's simple.
If we both die, then Billy goes to my brother.
Your crazy brother? Guy punches one clown You're kidding me, right? I'm Billy's father.
Mostly.
I should be his guardian.
Wait.
Am I even on your list? You're our formerly anonymous sperm donor.
Of course you're on the list.
Yeah, right below our cleaning lady, the orphanage and donating Billy to science.
Please.
Please can I have him? I swear I'll walk him and feed him everyday.
Billy does really love Harry.
We'll discuss it.
Yes! We need a lawyer.
Ugh, they're so expensive.
Oh, I know the perfect lawyer.
And he might even do it for free.
So I know you're a good person who's always looking to help friends and- people who share your sperm donor- and Zoey and I are making our wills and choosing a guardian if we die together, and we were hoping you say no more.
Yes.
Great.
We'd be honoured to be Billy's guardians.
Oh I was actually hoping Here I was scared you came to see me for free legal advice.
That would be Terrible.
Shameful.
Embarrassing.
Oh good, Janet's here.
Michelle asked if we'd take care of Billy when they die! I mean, if.
Wow.
Feel free to say no.
I'm touched.
You don't have to be sarcastic mom.
I'm not.
Sometimes my sarcastic voice sounds like my touched voice.
Oh, sorry.
Now you're being sarcastic? My apology voice is the same as my sarcastic voice.
Is the Internet working yet? No.
Ugh! Fortunately, Ana's annoyed voice is distinct from her apology and sarcastic voice.
Are you sure you don't want to think about this first? It's a huge responsibility Clearly you and Zoey have given this a lot of thought.
We would be honoured.
And Jonathan can draw up the will! Oh I can't now.
Conflict of interest.
But I know a great lawyer who's very thorough, but expensive.
That's great.
Ok, let's get you up to speed on our lies to my mom: Charlie is Harry's baby by way of a tipsy encounter after a church mixer.
Damn you spiced eggnog.
And then Harry proposed to me.
Twice.
Once after recovering from a case of amnesia.
Is this your life or a Mexican soap opera? Oh and Harry owns the bar, not you.
What?! I can't be engaged to a bartender.
How was your walk over, mom? Oh, it was lovely.
Your fiancé and I had a long discussion about your wedding dress.
Wear chiffon or you'll look hippy.
And I love seeing your fiancé's bar.
Stop saying fiancé.
Why? I've waited forever to say that.
Fiancé.
Rose has a fiancé.
Rose's fiancé loves Beyoncé.
Speaking of putting a ring on it, why aren't you wearing your engagement ring? It's in my gym locker It's being sized.
My workout partner is a jeweler.
He is going to adjust the size.
Yeah.
So how about the wedding menu? Why is your employee planning your wedding? Employee? Because Irene is My maid of honor.
I am? Yep.
I told you weeks ago, bestie.
I've just never been asked before, you know? To Harry and Rose! How about a kiss, fiancés! Let's see it! Harry? Beth! Beth The butcher? You said we couldn't hook up this week because you were out of town.
Ugh! You're cheating on my daughter? Ow! How could you? Ah! Get out.
You're ruining our wedding! Owww! Stop slapping! I can explain.
Wait.
Nope, I can't.
How dare you? How dare you cheat on my daughter? Mom-mom listen.
The truth is I had a hunch Harry was cheating on me, but I stayed with him so that you'd approve of my life.
Yeah! See.
Wait.
What? Really? Rosie, I'm heartbroken to think that you'd have to lie to me.
I promise I won't lie again.
Now let's get away from my cheating fiancé.
Let's.
You have to tell your mom I'm your sperm donor.
Didn't you see how happy she was? It would break her heart to know I wasn't knocked up by a dirtbag.
I don't want to be your scape-dirtbag.
Yeah, I'll tell my mom the truth.
Eventually.
The important thing is I made mom cry for something other than shame.
Thanks Harry.
So how did the will thing go with Jonathan? Great! Just, a minor, minor problem.
Janet and Jonathan think we want them to be Billy's guardians.
That's funny.
You set them straight though, right? Well-I didn't want Jonathan to think that I was asking for free legal help, so I said they could have Billy when we both die.
If Die? Both of you? Don't worry.
Yeah, we're not going to die sweetie, we promise.
You can't promise that.
But don't worry, I'm on it.
Let's just tell Jonathan and Janet it was a mistake.
But you know, Billy would be in good hands with them.
They're well off we have completely different philosophies about, well, everything.
Sure.
Sure.
But they have money.
Harry would be devastated.
He thinks he's Billy's guardian.
Let's just not tell him.
By the time he finds out, we'll be dead.
I'm keeping you safe, moms! You don't have to worry about dying.
Gonna put these pillows at the bottom of the stairs.
Safety first! What's your deal? It's my night with Charlie but I can't see him because rose's mom thinks I'm a lying deadbeat because I'm not pretending to marry Rose anymore.
Could be worse.
We still don't have wifi.
But I've been hooking up my computer to my smart phone.
Data charges add up.
You should check your usage.
You can do that? Technology is crazy.
Oh my God.
Seventy five dollars? Um, seven hundred and fifty dollars.
My parents are gonna kill me.
They'll take away my phone! What will I do with no Internet? You could always go outside.
Mom, I have to tell you something.
Okay.
What is it? I have a friend who went to a sperm donor clinic On the way to the nut house? Why would anybody do that? And that word.
Sperm.
Ah, lots of people do it.
Infertile couples, lesbians, single women like my friend.
Okay, but if you're unhitched, you wait for the right man to come along.
You don't have a baby first.
It's crazy and sad.
It's not crazy or sad! Honey, raising a child alone is tough.
I've seen it on TV.
I mean, Murphy Brown, Grace under Fire.
That's not easy.
I have friends to help.
I'll be fine.
Well don't take any advice from your friend at the sperm clinic.
She's deranged or something.
She is not deranged! You need family.
Like me.
And I'm staying.
For as long as you'll have me.
And can we not use that sperm word anymore.
I'm going to take Charlie for a walk.
Do you think we said yes to being Billy's guardians too quickly? I mean, having a ward is a big responsibility.
Look at Batman.
And why did they even ask us? Doesn't it seem strange to you? It's a bit desperate.
Don't they have any friends? Family? Or is it that we're such amazing parents that really, we were the only choice? We are very, very good parents.
And this other YouTube video had a cute cat.
Ugh, I'm missing out on all the world news.
Is the Internet working yet? No, sorry sweetie.
You are awful parents.
Zoey and Michelle don't think so.
They named us Billy's guardians.
Whoa.
I'm Billy's guardian.
Nope.
Hey! You told Jonathan and Janet that they're Billy's guardians? Wait, are we dead and I don't know it yet? Look, Harry, it was a mistake, but- Janet and Jonathan are rich.
I vote we put this whole will thing on hold.
We don't need a will right this second.
You're right.
What's the harm in delaying? Whoa! Oh my universe.
Oh, are you okay? Yeah.
I tripped on a hockey helmet.
And a pillow.
I should drive you to the hospital.
Can you stay with Billy? Of course, ya.
I'll just hang here until school's over.
I really don't think you should be driving babe.
It's just a little wooziness.
Blurred vision.
Touch of vertigo.
But I still think that I should drive.
I'm not that bad of a driver! I'm fine.
Ok, I'm not fine.
I guess you can drive.
What the? Hi Rose.
No one is here to pick me up.
My moms and Harry aren't answering their phones.
Can you come and get me? I think you have the wrong number.
Who are you? You don't sound like Rose.
You sound like an old lady.
Old? I'm Rose's mom.
She's not here.
Oh.
I'm Rose's sperm-nephew.
Sperm nephew? Yeah.
I came from Harry's sperm.
Just like Charlie.
We're sperm-half-bros.
So you're my sperm-great-aunt? Or sperm grandma is fine.
No you shouldn't be saying that sperm word so much.
Just come get me and I will explain it all on the drive.
Old people.
It was just a fender bender.
X-rays were clear.
Your moms are gonna be fine, buddy.
And even finer with all this free jello! They're so lucky.
Yup.
Lucky.
Thanks for bringing him, Wendy.
Well, Rose wasn't home.
And even though I don't know the boy I can't leave him there, stranded.
I'm not a deadbeat.
I'm not a deadbeat either! Billy! We're here for you.
Are you his parents? I'm Rose's mom.
No, but we're soon to be named guardians in Billy's motherses' will.
Billy's parents are the lesbians.
Lesbians? Oh my God.
What next? Listen.
Nothing has been finalized about the whole guardian thing.
Billy, my ward, don't you worry.
Everything's under control.
Yeah, everything's under control.
You're going to spill my jello.
Hey dad.
Hi.
I'm going to go grab a coffee.
Ok.
Bye.
So you all used Harry to conceive? I was kinda hoping the sperm boy's tales weren't true actually.
Yes-Rose, Michelle, Zoey, us-we're all linked by Harry's sperm.
Wow, you like to use that word a lot.
We both have whiplash? I feel like the punch line to a lesbian sex joke.
This is a wake up call.
We need to figure out our wills.
Now.
I mean, maybe we should stick with Janet and Jonathan.
Babe, they're rich.
They want Billy.
Done.
We're glad you guys are okay, but we we're ready to take Billy if need be.
Yes, we should sign those papers.
And since you'll be Billy's guardians, we'd be happy to be Anastasia's! We appreciate the offer.
But I have parents.
And friends.
And co-workers.
So you can take Billy, but heaven forbid we take Anastasia? No no no, don't be upset.
It's just that Ana is really precious to us.
And you don't think Billy's precious to us? It's just that Anastasia needs a firm hand.
She didn't float through her life making collages out of moss.
Hold on! If we're not good enough for you, you're not good enough for us.
And if we weren't in these stupid beds, we'd storm out of here.
Well then, I guess we'll storm out of here instead.
You'll have Ana over our dead bodies.
You won't.
Hey Rose, if you ever need me to babysit little Charlie, I'm just a phone call away.
That's sweet.
Thanks Ana.
I'll just need seven hundred and fifty dollars up front.
Great.
What? I seriously jacked up my phone bill.
My mom's going to kill me.
I'm in trouble with my mom too.
How can you be in trouble? You're old.
I'm not- I'm in trouble because I purposely had a baby out of wedlock with a sperm donor and didn't tell my mom.
Yeah, yours is worse, I guess.
I assumed by the time I was your age, I'd get along with my mother.
If you want to avoid having the kind of relationship my mom and I have - and believe me, you do - do yourself a favour and tell the truth.
I will.
Oh, can I borrow seven hundred and fifty dollars? It's for school.
Maybe it's better I'm not your "real parent.
" Rose and Anastasia don't like their mom.
I hate my dad.
I'm afraid the same thing could happen to us.
I will always like you, even if I hate you.
I promise.
You're Billy's guardian.
It's final.
Yes! Billy! Up top! I thought you didn't want to be my real parent.
Of course I do.
That was just loser talk.
Let's make a pact to never die.
Ooh! There's free wifi here.
There's something wrong with ours at home.
Ah, I changed the password so Anastasia would spend more time with us.
Well that's okay, I've being running my computer off of my phone Internet which is from the air.
Jonathan, data charges add up.
Look! Our phone bill is over seven hundred and fifty dollars! But I only watched the first five seasons of Murphy Brown.
Mom, dad.
I'm very sorry.
For not wanting to spend family time with us? No.
Ew.
I meant since we didn't have wifi I racked up some data charges Oh, no sweetie, that was unacceptable.
But to make up for it let's go for a family dinner, just you, me and mom.
I love all those things.
Hey.
Hi.
No more lies.
I'm happy I used a sperm donor.
I have a beautiful baby, a great life, I just got a raise.
Okay, I didn't get a raise.
I don't know why I said that.
But the rest is true.
Honey, I want you to be happy.
I just hate to see you struggle is all.
Putting off having a baby would have been a bigger struggle.
Charlie completes my life.
I'm glad you have this good, albeit strange, family.
Wendy, I have something to say.
I am a good father to Charlie! Now, Rose and I may not be a couple but I will always be here for Charlie, just like I am for Billy and Anastasia.
And we may have a crazy messed up family that isn't joined by blood, but we are joined by sperm.
Sperm, Wendy.
Sperm.
I know you're a good man Harry.
Wow.
My speech was kinda rambly.
I can't believe it worked so well! When Harry's my guardian I will never have to eat kale again.
You realize we'd be dead, right? I love kale! All I'm saying is that women outlive men, and I don't want to share your money with some charity.
What if I need to quell my grief through travel? Fine, but if you go first, I'm getting a boat.
Also for sadness.
Your mom's even better looking in real life than on Skype.
Gross.
Don't.
No, I mean, when you're all old and crazy and impossible to get along with, at least you'll still be hot.
Thanks?