Seed (2013) s02e08 Episode Script

The Bjorn Identity

Ugh.
Another slow quarter.
Why are my dating numbers down in the last ten months? Well can you think of any major life changes you've had during that time? Right.
I changed barbers.
No, Harry.
Your problem is Charlie.
That's what I've been saying! But Charlie's my little wing baby.
And women love babies.
Yeah, but they assume the guy holding the baby is taken.
And a total scum bag for giving out his number.
No problem, I'll just let the ladies know I'm a sperm donor.
Or, you could just not hit on women when you have Charlie.
I can't live like that.
Well you can't beat the wing baby paradox.
If I put my mind to it there's nothing, and no woman, I can't do.
I accept your challenge.
It's not a challenge.
I'm picking up women with that baby! Really don't care! Ha.
Nice try Rose.
Where is Ana? She slept in.
Her light was on all night last night.
You know what that means.
She snuck out.
Or is deliberately wasting electricity.
Oh my God, what if it's both? Nice of you to finally join us.
Where were you last night? In my room.
Reading up on Kim.
And how is Ms.
Kardashian? Kim Jong-un.
You read about the president of Korea? North Korea and he's the supreme leader, not the president.
Are you done with this? Apparently.
I don't like her grabbiness, but at least she's grabbing for knowledge.
Reading the news? That girl is up to something.
I would totally help you pick up women as your wing baby, but I'm past my prime.
Hey, I haven't given up on you.
There's plenty of women out there for you to get for me.
Where's mommy Zoey? She's watching a documentary in your bedroom.
Ok.
I'll be right there, 'kay bud? Ok! Uh oh, bad news.
What do you mean? Zoey watches a documentary, adopts a new cause, misery ensues, repeat.
You're right.
When she saw that documentary on fossil fuels I had to take the bus for a month.
Have you seen bus people? I am bus people.
Well we need to doc block that woman before it's too late.
We need to make some changes! Aaand it's too late.
What's up, sweetie? No not sweetie.
No more sweetie.
We have been poisoning our family with sugar.
"Sugar, semi-colon, the devil's poison, colon, how sweet foods are destroying your heart, kidneys, and colon.
" That's quite the title.
Real grabber.
We need to implement a one-month ban.
On documentaries? On sugar.
None for us, and especially none for Billy.
Look at this fridge.
Full of poison.
That was half a pie.
Don't you feel healthier already? Here let me help.
I'll find a good home for this stuff.
Ana! Harry! Charles.
What a fantastic wonderful lovely look you have.
Today.
Yeah that's not weird.
I'll be upstairs studying.
Yeah, that's not weird.
Okay, hand it over.
Hand what over? Whatever thing we nearly caught you doing.
Pink? I would've pegged you as more of a lavender laptop man.
It's Ana's and yes, we were snooping, but we had probable cause.
She hasn't been herself lately.
She's been "studying.
" You would not believe the files we found.
"NASA", "drugs in sports", "North Korea" All hidden away in a folder called "debating".
I think it's pretty obvious.
Our daughter is on drugs from north Korea.
Do you have so little faith in her that you can't see why she'd really have a debating folder? Oh my God, she's pregnant.
She joined the debating team? There we go.
Oh you two.
So much to teach you.
Hey, sorry we're late, we were ah Just getting you flowers.
Your favourite flowers are white, right? Sure? But I hardly slept last night.
Can you keep Charlie a little longer so I can get some rest? No problem.
Can I say hi? Ok.
Hi Charlie.
It's mama.
Say 'mama'.
Mama.
Gotta go.
Time to beat the wing baby paradox.
Can't be done.
Babies are nature's chastity belt.
Give it your best shot though.
I'm going back to bed.
Unworried.
Oh, he's adorable! He also comes in large.
Me.
I'm adorable too.
And before you say anything else, Charlie's mom is not in the picture.
So you broke up with a woman right after she had your baby? Creep.
No, no, no, no, I'm not a creep.
These are for her actually.
We were just on our way to visit.
But she's not going anywhere.
She's resting in peace.
Your wife died? I am so sorry, I didn't realize.
And here you are, trying to move on.
Obviously you're still in shock I am.
Look, I'm sorry Don't apologize.
I am sure that she would want you to find someone Actually, she said it would be impossible with a baby.
Let me explain Sh.
Sh.
You don't have to explain anything to me.
But if you do want to get back into dating, just call me.
We did it, Charlie.
We beat the wing baby paradox.
Couple of lady killers, you and me.
Unfortunately one of those ladies was your mom.
I'm sorry.
Parsnip.
Rutabaga.
I've never seen one of those in real life.
Guess, your momses are still on the no-sugar kick? That's rough.
Hey, at least you got a juice box.
Oh, it's a water box.
How long is a month, exactly? Too long to listen to all this sugar whining.
Don't tell your moms.
Oh my universe! Eat it over there.
As far as I know, this never happened.
Sugar packets.
White gold.
Look at the little junkie.
So I beat the wing baby paradox.
I've proven a guy can get a date, with a baby.
Not a date with a baby but I get it.
And best of all, nobody got hurt.
Except for Rose.
I had to kill her off in order to get the date.
That sounds bad out loud.
I really should cancel.
Dead woman walking.
Oh, Rose, funny story About how you failed to beat the wing baby paradox? Actually hey, maybe you can start dating again once Charlie's in college.
But will you still have hair? Why would you say that? And you're wrong.
Dead wrong.
I have a date later.
Which I made with Charlie by my side.
Which I am not canceling.
Are you sure that isn't a grave mistake? You did it? You defeated the paradox? Yes.
Shockingly, there are women out there who enjoy the company of men and babies.
And the three of us are hanging out later.
The three of you? Charlie, his dad, and another woman.
Huh.
Yep, it's gonna be a threesome.
Well, not a threesome, but come on Rose.
Gross.
Can you believe our little girl's a debater? Well I'm not surprised.
I always knew Anastasia was a deep thinker.
I believed in her first.
You know, I was a master debater in high school.
Three, four nights a week.
Ask anyone.
Well, I always trusted she'd choose the academic path.
Who are you calling? Ana's school.
I truly am the supportive parent.
Hello, this is Anastasia Colbourn's father.
Oh I'm great thank no, the other one.
I'd like to know when your debate team is having their next mm-hm Thank you.
Ana's school doesn't have a debate team.
I knew we couldn't trust her! I'm not insecure, but the thought of another woman near my baby kind of bothers me.
Is that wrong? Are you okay? It's just a small migraine.
Zoey took us off sugar, and it's been I mean I knew I'd lose Charlie to another woman eventually, I just, I thought I had another couple of decades.
That looks so good.
Look, you can't let a woman take away what is rightfully yours.
You mean the love of my child.
Yeah.
Sugary, powdery love.
So you're saying this jealousy I'm feeling is perfectly normal.
I don't know.
I'm in stage three sugar withdrawal Rose.
Don't ask me anything else.
I'm going to leave these on the table.
No one has to know.
Ahem.
Hello, Billy.
What are you eating? You didn't get these from me.
Just don't tell mommy Zoey.
Hey, Charlie's down for his nap.
Thanks for coming over because I'm a widower.
I live to help others.
Look, before this goes any further, I have to tell you something.
I can see the burden that you're carrying.
How about a massage? Try not to think about your poor dead wife.
Sometimes I feel like she's still trying to contact me.
Of course you do.
Oh, I feel like I've died and gone to heaven! Like Rose did.
That's the spot.
Okay young lady.
This is your last chance to fess up.
Have you or have you not been huffing crack? I'm on the debate team.
Is it a crime to be invested in my future? I called your school.
There is no debate team.
I know.
That's why I've been debating at another school.
How dare you.
Oh.
What? You can do that? So, when's your next debate, honey? We're so proud of you! How's the headache, babe? Ugh.
It's still there.
And these fruit flies are so annoying.
There are no fruit flies.
This giving up sugar thing is was harder than I expected.
Babe, you're going through full-on sugar withdrawal.
Maybe we should call off the ban.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Seven times seven is 49, Roar I'm king of the jungle, jungle gym, Jungle James, my mommy wears lenses but she doesn't wear frames.
Santa's elves are building shelves, but they can only count by twelves.
Did you see that?! He has so much energy now! In fact, I think we should do the ban for two months instead of one.
For Billy.
Is Harry here? Yeah, he's taking a nap.
You're Holding Charlie.
He recognizes you.
Oh I know who you are.
Don't worry, I am not here to take your place.
Darn right you're not.
Rest assured, you still have a job.
Cause you're Charlie's nanny, right? I heard that you have been such a big help since Rose passed away.
Since when now? Since Charlie's mother died.
But I'm alive.
And so am I.
You know, and if Rose were here, she would tell us it is important for us to celebrate that fact.
Best nap ever.
Rose-Anne.
Roseanne my- nanny.
Nanny.
Right.
Did you want to stay and have some tea? Oh I do now.
You told that woman I'm dead? Hey, I may have let a girl think that you're dead, but you're pretending to be my nanny.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
You killed off my character in the movie of Charlie's life.
No, I just wanted to beat the wing baby paradox.
Which I did.
I picked up with a baby.
In your face? My dead face.
No more floozies near Charlie.
I don't want some psycho bonding with my baby.
Tea's ready.
Don't worry though, it's decaf.
Yeah, real psycho.
I was just leaving with Charlie.
Then you two can gab about poor dead Rose, and what a bitch she was.
Hey, what's with the language? What would Charlie's mother think about that kind of talk? I'll tell you exactly how she'd feel.
She'd be horrified.
The woman sounds like she was mother of year.
Harry said she was practically a super model with a Master's degree.
She even had a smile that would melt an iceberg.
Really? You said that? Well I guess if Rose were here, I'd tell her she were silly to worry about being replaced.
Exactly.
Why don't we give these two some space.
What do you say, Charlie? Bye bye Charlie.
Mama .
He called me mama! Get out.
And stay away from my baby.
Your baby? Rose.
Rose, don't freak out.
Rose! Rose? You can see her too? I'm not losing my mind.
Rose is alive? I don't know what kind of creepy role-playing this is, but I am not into it.
Okay, before you try to pin all this on me, normally I'm not this irresponsible.
You can't argue with that.
I totally forgot about Anastasia's debate.
Can I get a ride, pal-y? Do I have to go to band practice? I'm tired.
Here.
I feel so much better since I had one of these organic granola bars.
Whoa, these things have way more sugar than cupcakes.
I don't care.
Here.
Don't tell mom Michelle.
Deal.
Now, is there anything you need before your debate? I know you're going to do great, I've always believed in you.
Really? Always? You haven't been flip-flopping every day this week? Neither of you believed in me.
You've accused me of huffing crack, lying, and wasting electricity.
But if you want to make it up to me anything you want.
Within reason.
You could sign this for me.
An overnight debating trip to Montreal.
Absolutely not.
Sorry, force of habit.
Of course you can go.
If you win the debate.
Only if I win? You don't think I can? I was just trying to motivate her.
I believe in you unconditionally, Ana.
Let's look at bar fourteen of 'Beautiful brown eyes'.
A one, a two, a one, two, thr Hi Harry, Rose.
Nice of you to join us.
Of course.
I'm dying to support Ana.
Dying.
Please, Rose.
Debates are no place for clever turns of phrase.
So, Ana's interested in academics.
Who would have thought? We would have thought.
But we can't take all the credit.
We can.
We do.
This is all us.
Really? Ana looks right at home with her team.
With that handsome lug in uniform, right beside that muscular boy in uniform, next to that chiseled young man in is Ana debating for an all boys' school? Oh my God.
She's in it for the boys.
Billy and I had a little talk.
It turns out over the last few days he's had thirty five times the suggested sugar intake.
He's basically a human slurpee.
It's my fault.
I gave him sugar.
How could you.
We've been off sugar ever since I watched this documentary Sugar: The Devil's Poison? I thought it was a load of baloney Guess that's it for us then.
Until I saw your son today.
Now I'm convinced.
Sugar really is a poison, and a devilish one, too.
What do we do now? I've decided to impose a school-wide ban on sugar.
So none of the other kids will get to have sugar because of me? Precisely.
In fact, around the office we're calling it "Billy's rule".
I'm so proud of you! Well, thank you for coming in.
Thank you! I'm gonna get you a supply of chocolate to keep your friends off your back until this thing blows over, okay.
But don't tell mom.
Ms.
Colburne.
Is she flirting with the other team? Honorable judges.
I affirm the resolution that parents must learn to trust their kids.
Otherwise, parents and kids will get caught up in a frenzy of suspicion and mistrust.
This lack of trust can lead to insanity, not unlike the insanity in north Korea.
Or in space.
But I hate to interrupt, but our topic is be it resolved world war two could have been prevented.
Oopsy.
Ravensbench High? One of you must stand for rebuttal.
We forfeit.
Yes! Wow.
Unconventional tactic, but she won.
That's my girl.
Anastasia saw that their strategy was soft, so she used her assets to make things hard for them.
I get to go to Montreal.
You're letting her go on that trip? Of course.
We trust our daughter.
Really? In Montreal? Where the drinking age is eighteen? Where they invented French kissing? With a busload full of boys who are trained to persuade people into anything? Tear up the permission slip.
Hey, hey, hey, I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
Not what you think.
How did I die? Tragic seagull attack.
Can you pass the corn, please.
Should dad pass the corn? Arguing for the negative will be me.
Be it resolved that corn is stupid and boring, and must not be passed.
Fine, you can go to Montreal.
Yes! Cheers! Mm, red velvet! Wow, these are really red.
You know, I heard about this great documentary on the dangers of food colouring that