Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018) s02e02 Episode Script

The Play's The Thing

Big news, Lu! Sagittarius.
You've been fighting them off long enough.
Time to let the love back in your life.
Ooh! Yeah, cos that's me, isn't it? Fighting them off.
Ooh, keep still I'm looking for the private detectives? Er, how can we help? Well, I think my wife is having an affair.
I'm really sorry, we don't do extra-marital.
What's your wife's name? Of course.
She is the Queen of Engelworld and I believe she's having an affair with the Duke of Yorcastria.
Larp? It stands for Live Action Role Play.
Yeah, I can read, thank you very much.
So, it's like Dungeons And Dragons but for grown-ups? Well, sort of.
I create scenarios and my Larpers use their imaginations to act them out.
Unforgettable moments every weekend.
Sounds like fun! Yes, our latest adventure is the struggle for the control of Engelworld.
Engelworld? - Yes, it's inspired by Shakespeare's Henry plays.
The War of the Roses, you know.
But ours is a fantasy version.
Fantasy, of course.
So, and your wife is the Queen of Engelworld? Queen Margaret.
Queen And you think Queen Margaret Sorry, her real name is Maggie.
Maggie You think Maggie is having an affair with the duke? - Yes.
And what makes you think that? Her character goals.
Her what? Well, each week she insists Queen Margaret spends time alone with the Duke of Yorcastria.
Then, afterwards, she's always very distant with me.
She flatly denies it, of course.
The Duke's real name is Tony Suffolk.
It's complicated because he owns the woods we use for Engelworld.
Yeah, no, he's, well So, I want you to follow Maggie during our next role play on Saturday and get proof.
One question.
If you're all dressed up aren't we going to stand out? I was just coming to that.
Davy the Ogre?! Davy's a bit part in Henry IV Part Two.
It's not the Davy bit that bothers me.
Well, I am Doll.
A sharp-tongued charm fairy who secretly wants to marry a nobleman! Darling, you sure he's met you only the once? What are you, Sebastian? Oh, a swordsman poet named Owain.
Don't tell me, you slay your adversaries with your lyrics and your blows.
Oh, they're all right, the Engelworld lot.
Do you know them? Oh, yeah, they often pop in here for bits and pieces.
Right.
That's it, leave this with me and I'll make you all look wonderful.
Your Majesty.
May I present your new swordsman poet.
Owain.
Your Majesty.
Welcome to my kingdom.
May you find love and prosper.
Thanks.
She's very committed.
Ooh.
Oh, hello! Hello! I'm Doll, I'm a charm fairy, and this is Davy.
The Ogre.
You secretly fancy her, don't you? What?! I helped write the brief.
I'm Katie Harper, Adrian's assistant.
But, here in Engelworld, I'm Mistress Better, the healer.
Helping characters who are sick or injured or just plain unhappy.
Like Ewan.
He was King of Engelworld for almost a year but then, last week, he was unexpectedly slaughtered in battle by one of his own side! Now he's got to start again as a serf.
That's quite a fall, isn't it? Hm? I said, that's quite a fall.
Fall? Oh I said, it's quite a fall.
Oh, yeah.
Adrian likes to leave room for the unexpected.
He's a bit of a genius.
So, who killed him? I mean, not him.
His him.
Over there.
The Duke of Yorcastria.
Come on.
Yes.
Following the unexpected death of the King, Engelworld's Royal House has split into two factions.
The Red Roses of Lancminister on one side, the White Roses of Yorcastria on the other.
Today's quest will be nothing less than the struggle for the Crown of Engelworld itself.
I think my people know which side their Queen is on.
Major Tony Suffolk.
AKA the King Slayer.
Welcome to my Manor.
An officer, eh? But not always a gentleman.
So, where did you serve? Bosnia and Iraq.
Royal Pistols.
Bit different to this, eh? Running around the woods with a plastic sword.
No offence.
More fun than keeping a hundred men safe in Basra.
Had some friends at Sandhurst.
Who was your sergeant major? Warrant Officer Farnham.
I spent two years building up my King.
Now, thanks to that strutting bully going completely off-scenario, I've got to start from scratch.
I've got no powers.
I've got nothing.
I, too, have put my heart and soul into a role and seen it go entirely to waste.
Edward the Vigorous.
That was my name.
She's not even wearing black.
Queen Margaret has a message she needs delivered.
Your weapon, Poet Owain.
Looks a bit lethal.
It's for taking health points off people, not actually hurting them.
So, you're all clear of your objectives? Yes.
I have to know the truth.
Yes, we will do our absolute best, Mr Messenger.
Right, let's get this over with, shall we? Earpieces.
Queen Margaret seems to have lost something.
Her self-respect, maybe? Come on, keep up, will ya! Yeah, I'm com I'm stuck on the bush! You killed my husband.
And I don't regret it.
Leave us.
You are completely forgiven.
Maggie The Duke of Yorcastria has clearly forgotten himself.
The Queen demand he follow her into that thick foliage over there.
Maggie, it's over.
I told you I don't want to do this any more! No, Tony, please.
You're breaking my heart.
I shall kill you! Do you hear me? I'll kill you! Ooh! Looks like the Queen's been dumped.
Nervous? Agh! Oops! Oh! Yes! Yes, isn't everyone before their first battle? I'll keep you safe.
If you give me your phone number.
Oh! No I I couldn't.
I'll make it worth your while.
Got you.
Obviously, that's not my real number.
I mean, that would be It's the Larping The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
What was that all about?! Erm, nothing.
He's just Don't know.
Less of the green-eyed monster, Davy, eh? Attack! I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
No, me neither.
It's great fun, isn't it? Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste of death but once.
What? Oh.
Aargh Olivier lives.
That's not bad, though, to be fair.
Oh, we must go help the duke! Ha-ha! Ow! Help me! Please! That's pretty good, too.
Please! Are you OK? Frank! It's real blood.
TIME O-O-OUT! Oh, dear God.
Who's done this?! Oh, no! What have I done? What have I?! Ma'am.
Yeah.
OK.
Thanks.
I always wondered what you got up to at the weekend.
Er Lu's in the tent.
You don't know us.
OK, I need everyone behind the police line.
Thank you.
Who hired you? Adrian Messenger.
The shooter's husband? Wanted us to help him prove his wife was having an affair.
Which we have.
OK, let me see.
Maggie, it's over.
No, you're breaking my heart.
I shall kill you! The jilted lover gets her revenge.
What about the second victim, though? I don't know.
Collateral damage? She was miles away from Tony Suffolk.
Maggie would have had to miss me and Lu to hit Katie.
Well, I did always say you were a lucky man, Frank.
I'm going to need that.
Can I just show it to my client first, please? OK.
By the way, this is the only other metal bolt we found.
Ah-ah! I told you, I don't want to do this any more.
No, Tony, please.
You're breaking my heart.
It's over, then.
Your marriage? No, the affair.
That gives me hope.
Oh, right.
Oh You're going to take her back? Yes.
I am.
Let's hope you get the chance.
They've got the wrong person.
Maggie's no killer and she'd never, ever hurt Katie! Well, maybe that bit was an accident? No, no, Maggie's an excellent shot.
No, she's been framed.
And I want you to prove it! To be fair, if his missus did deliberately shoot lover boy in front of everyone, she's as mad as a fish.
Did you see her acting? That's true.
I've been checking and the arrows that Maggie used are called Broadheads.
And you can easily get them online.
If you can get a signal.
Right, so, anyone here could have bought one.
And swapped them with Maggie's fake plastic ones.
Hang on.
We're way out of range, here.
It's pointing the wrong way.
There's a nail in this tree.
A what? A nail.
Where? In the tree.
Frank? Yeah, hang on.
Right.
A pint to anyone who can tell me what the hell's going on.
I have no idea.
Look here.
What's that? The scene of the crime.
Is that supposed to be me there, with the? No, it's, er, it's a representation! Any other observations? If someone switched the bolts, how could they be sure who Maggie would fire at? Oh, because her objective this week was to kill the duke.
Yeah, we saw it in Adrian's tent.
Well, considering that the duke butchered his king last week, I would say that Ewan must be in the frame, right? Ewan offered to show me all his Larp gear.
Yeah, I think he's just a bit lonely.
Well, I'd follow that up if I was you.
He Oh! Hey! Hello, Lu! Hi, Tony! You gave me your real number.
Yeah! And you remembered it! I've been thinking about you all night.
Were you? Were you? So, I've discharged myself from the hospital.
Have you? Yeah! Look! So .
.
what time are you free? Fr Er, free.
Erm Ooh, I don't know, I should, erm Er Tell you what, why don't I think about that and I will get back to you? So, great, thank you.
Thank you.
Bye.
You gave him your real number? I didn't think he'd remember it, did I?! It's fine, it's not like he's going to work out where I work from it.
Well, let's hope not.
He actually left hospital because of me.
Look, go and see him.
Try and find out, you know, what's the score between him and Maggie.
Whether Whether he thinks it's possible that she could try and kill him.
Look, I mean, if you think it could be helpful, then I could probably go and see him.
Could probably manage that.
And, while you're there, have a dig around in his, erm .
.
Army CV.
Ooh, Ewan's invited me for tea.
Ooh, somebody likes you.
Poet oh-Wayne.
Owain.
A wine.
Owain.
Oh wine.
All rise for Edward the Vigorous! The true king of Engelworld! Wow.
That is unbelievable.
My beloved widow.
Oh, yes.
So sad.
How long were you and the queen married? Nine months.
The greatest relationship of my life.
Our love felt real.
Darling Edward, being with you, I feel like the luckiest woman in all of Engelworld.
And I, the most blessed man in the universe.
I was sure she saw it the same way.
What are you doing?! I was just Er This is a role play, you silly man! I'm sorry, er As if we'd?! It was like she stuck a dagger in me.
She told Tony to kill Edward so she'd be rid of me.
I'm sure of it.
You must have been so angry, towards Maggie and Tony.
I've committed terrible crimes against both of them.
Have you? In my head.
Only in your head? Yeah, of course.
I'm not crazy.
There we go.
Thank you.
Those glasses suit you.
Oh, these, silly This is impressive.
Well, it was just a job.
You've done very well out of the job.
My import-export business.
I set it up when I got out of the Army.
Luxury goods to India.
They love a British officer over there.
What about you, Lu? What's your story? Oh, me? No story.
Just a boring office job.
You're incapable of boring.
I wonder how Katie is? Oh, she was in the ward next to mine.
Thinks she'll be out today.
Well, that's great, isn't it? Aah! You all right? Yeah, it's just my shoulder.
Don't worry.
It's OK.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Could you just check that the dressing is OK? Oh.
Yes, yes, OK.
Oh If you just.
.
OK.
Yes, just pull that down.
Shall I? Yes.
Aah, yes.
Just pull it right down.
That's it.
Oh Yes, I think that's all right.
That all looks great.
What are you doing? What the hell do you think you're doing?! I'm out on bail.
And you gave me this.
Remember? Hi, I'm Lu.
I know.
My key? And I'll tell the police you stopped by, shall I? You're welcome to him.
Seriously, talk about blurring the lines between fact and fiction.
You know, Tony told me that Maggie's been threatening him ever since he finished with her.
Maybe she did do it deliberately.
Yeah, we need to speak to her.
We? I think you've blown your chances there.
Hey, it's not my fault that Tony prefers a charm fairy to a drama queen.
Was that the tattoo on Tony's shoulder? Yeah.
Are you sure?I'm positive.
Cos that is the crest for the Warwickshire Guards.
But that is the crest for the Royal Pistols.
Why would a soldier get a tattoo from a different regiment? And why would an officer forget the name of his sergeant major? Unless he's lying to us.
To know the killer, you gotta know the victim.
We need to keep an eye on him.
Ooh! Ooh! Sorry.
I just keep thinking how lucky we are that Maggie didn't shoot us.
What if she was aiming for Katie? Why would she do that? No idea.
Hold on.
Must be important cos it's not easy to drive with one arm.
You'll just have to hold it.
Come on Oh, there we go.
Look him up.
Maybe it's like an old friend or something? Yeah, but why come here today, though? Here we go! Army forum.
Private Johnny Talbot, died in Helmand Province, Afghanistan, 2010.
A tragic accident.
Negligent discharge? Someone's gun went off by mistake.
Oh, no.
That is so sad.
Hang on, he's coming over.
It's him, it's him! What shall I do? Answer it.
Hello, Tony.
Hi, Lu.
Look, I'm really sorry about this morning.
Wasn't quite how I imagined it.
Yeah, well it was .
.
memorable! Look, I want to make it up to you.
Come round for a drink later? Erm, yes, OK.
Great.
Where are you now? Working.
All right, well, roll on this evening, eh? About five-ish? Yes.
Great.
OK, then.
See you then.
Bye! Mm-m-m He's very keen to see you.
Can you stop sounding so surprised about that? Listen, while you're being entertained by Action Man, I'm going shopping.
All right, Your Highness? Davy.
From yesterday.
Right.
Tough weekend.
That's one word for it.
I don't care what the Engelworlders say.
I don't think you're guilty.
Good.
So, who do you think switched the arrows? My husband, probably.
I'm joking.
What else are they saying? Er, that you had half a dozen tries at hitting Tony Suffolk.
Well, that's rubbish.
I fired twice.
I missed him once, by about six inches, but I got him the second shot.
Hang on, if you missed by six inches, how come you hit Katie? I have no idea.
I never even saw her.
Hm.
This forum reckons the gun that killed Private Jonny Talbot belonged to a Corporal Barry Foulkes.
An internal enquiry cleared Foulkes of responsibility.
Then Foulksey left the army to set up a boot camp for stressed professionals in Newcastle.
I wonder if he accidentally killed any of them? So, Maggie swears she only shot two bolts.
But three were fired.
So, either she's lying .
.
or maybe she just doesn't remember? Or it's the Grassy Knoll all over again.
Oh, yes, we studied that.
JFK.
The second shooter theory.
Yeah, so, what, so you're saying maybe there were two of them there with real arrows? Well, it would explain a lot.
So, we need to find out if anybody's got a grudge against Katie.
I'll sort that out.
You need to get your party frock on.
Oh, yeah.
All this was abandoned yesterday.
Six players have said they're not coming back and Maggie won't return my calls.
Can you think of anyone who might have a grudge against Katie? No.
But you can ask her yourself.
She came straight from the hospital to help.
Wow.
Must really care about you.
Oh, hello, Davy! You here for a weapons training? Can't wait.
I got a few done.
Thanks, Katie.
Although, frankly, I'll be surprised if we need them today.
How's the leg? Oh, the painkillers are amazing.
Adrian? Adrian? Get down! Stay here.
Gloria? Frank! Who are you? This is Gloria.
She's responsible for my Davy costume.
Adrian called me.
Costumes he wants taken off his hands? Right.
What's going on? I heard a shout.
Oh, dear God! I'm so sorry.
Took longer than intended.
Oh, canapes! House specialities.
Wow.
I'm impressed.
Again.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Which regiment did you say you were in? The Royal Pistols.
Ex vita ignis.
In life, fire.
Oh! Right.
So, erm, how come you've got a tattoo of a musket and a rose and not one of a castle? Now I'm impressed.
I didn't have you down as a regimental crest geek.
You can blame my older brothers.
It was a drunken bet.
Which I lost.
Oh! One of those? Yeah.
So, er .
.
which boring office do you work in, Lu? Solicitors.
Oh.
Which one? Carter & Son, it's near Warwick.
It's on the Frensham Road.
Oh, I know them.
Who's your boss there again? Roger.
Roger Carter.
Where's your bathroom? Oh, the best one's upstairs, third on your right.
Through the bedroom.
Shot! Not sure it gets us anywhere.
I looked into what Corporal Barry Foulkes has been up to since 2011.
And? Couldn't find a thing.
Not Newcastle or anywhere else.
Electoral registers, telephone directories.
Google, social media.
He's just disappeared.
Does it say on there what regiment force he's with? Yes.
The Black Caps.
That's the nickname for the Warwickshire Guards.
Tony Suffolk's tattoo.
Hello! Lu here.
Please leave a message I'm going to find her.
Oh.
Tony? Tony, I'm I'm here.
Lu .
.
I called Carter & Son.
They don't seem to have heard of you.
Really? So, where do you work? I've got your phone.
In case you're wondering.
Yeah? Where's Lu? Well, she left.
About an hour ago.
Without her car? Lu? I'm up here! You OK? Yes.
I picked the lock.
What, he imprisoned you? Yeah, he's You must be Hathaway.
Shakespeare's purse had her name in it.
I don't like people coming into my house under false pretences.
Takes an impostor to know one.
Eh, Barry? You can change your name, you can buy an officer's uniform and you can pretend you never went to Afghanistan.
But the past is always going to catch up with you.
Get out.
So, Corporal Barry Foulkes re-invents himself as an officer and a hero.
Gives his business respectability.
And lets him bed the damsels of Engelworld.
Quite the rebrand.
But why was he visiting that boy's grave today? What's that? Oh, this little thing? Archery for multitaskers.
I know who shot Katie! Ewan, I think you can afford to be a bit lighter.
Hello.
Hi, erm .
.
do you mind if we had a word? No, sure.
Greetings, all! Have you missed me? Can I just say, God, I need this! Katie .
.
I didn't shoot you, but these are a symbol of our friendship.
Thanks, Maggie.
Hello, Ewan.
All right? I've been worried about you.
Surely the detectives you hired have been giving you updates? Tony texted me.
I asked them to find proof.
About you and Tony.
But then I hired them to clear your name.
Because I know you didn't do this.
And I believe in us.
Even now.
Katie? Are you OK? Yeah, I just don't get what he sees in her.
Are you really detectives? Yeah.
And we, er We know that Maggie didn't shoot you.
Then who did? You.
What? You made yourself look like a victim, didn't you? So that you could hide the fact that you'd switched Maggie's arrows.
You're mad.
You're completely mad.
This is all to do with Corporal Barry Foulkes, isn't it? Leave me alone! Catherine Frank! Frank! We know that's a metal bolt, Catherine.
And we also know what Barry Foulkes did to your brother.
And that he got away with it.
You wanted retribution, didn't you? So, you immersed yourself in Engelworld under a different name.
And you waited.
Falling in love with Adrian wasn't part of the plan.
But it meant you had no qualms about framing Maggie.
And her mission that week was to kill the Duke of Yorcastria.
And you were sure that she wouldn't miss.
So, this was your opportunity.
And, while everyone was listening to Adrian, you made the switch, didn't you? Today's quest will be nothing less than a struggle for the Crown of Engelworld itself.
Then came the master stroke.
You found a quiet spot in the woods and, just before the battle scene, you shot a metal bolt through your own thigh.
That's why we found another arrow, you used it to line up your shot.
But before you could get rid of the evidence Atta-a-ack! That's why you arrived too late to the battle scene, isn't it? You were too far away from Tony to convince us that Maggie had tried to kill you, too.
Help me! Please! Come on, Catherine.
Put the crossbow down.
He shot Johnny! In the heart! He was showing off! And then he lied.
And got people to cover for him! He's not sorry! He didn't even apologise! To me, my family! He may as well have shot us, too.
You're trespassing.
Why don't you call the police, then? You told me that Katie was on the ward next-door, so you must have seen her surname on her hospital bed.
You weren't convinced Maggie could kill you.
But if Katie turned out to be Johnny Talbot's sister All began to fall into place, didn't it? Catherine had tracked you down.
She wanted you dead.
So, you'd have to eliminate her.
Which is what you tried to do, a few hours later.
Get down! This if for Johnny.
And for everything you put my family through! Catherine Catherine! Why? Why couldn't you just let it go?! Go on, then.
No-one's going to lie for you this time! A-A-AH! It was a defective weapon! That's what the enquiry said! Lily-livered coward! Stop! Shoot me! Not my duke.
This isn't a game! Get out the way, Maggie.
Put the bow down, Katie.
Put the bow down.
Please! I have to do this! Please, I have to do this! No! Catherine, you don't.
You don't have to do this.
It's all right It's all right.
It's all right.
Someone tried to kill Catherine Talbot in the woods earlier.
And you kept it from me.
She didn't want it reported.
And now we know why, because it risked exposing her.
I got there, didn't I? This time.
Your luck'll run out.
After everything I've taught her, she still thinks it comes down to luck? I'm not sure who's the biggest idiot.
Him or me.
You weren't to know what he'd done.
You saved my life.
She might not have shot you.
I can't help loving you, Maggie.
In or out of Engleworld.
Now you're being the idiot.
It'll never last.
Well, the Engelworlders certainly got their unforgettable moment this week.
Come on.
When Tony asked for your phone number, that was genuine.
Well, maybe, but after that I was just his alibi, wasn't I? Firstly, so he could get out of hospital early and then, secondly, so that he could nip off into the woods and have a pop at Katie and I thought he was in his kitchen.
Darling, never trust a man who takes 30 minutes making an hors d'oeuvre.
Wise words, Gloria.
Listen, are we done? Davy, Doll and Owain cease to be.
Out, out, brief candle.
Ah, that's a relief.
Thanks, Gloria.
Thanks, Gloria.
Bye.
Ta-ta.
I'm going to miss Engelworld.
Everyone needs a place to escape to, don't they? Hey, we've got a place to escape to.
It's called the Mucky Mallard.
And I hear the ghost of Davy the Ogre is buying! Thanks! What?!