Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018) s02e03 Episode Script
This Cursed Hand
Thanks.
Thank you.
Right, then - anyone need the bathroom? "To pee or not to pee?" Ha-ha Never mind.
If you want to have your £20 ready, the walk departeth in two minutes.
Good morrow, good people, good morrow! Now, which of you here wants to go on a real Ghost Walk? Not like this one here, full of facts - boring, boring, boring! Well, if you do, just shove your money in my lunchbox here.
That's the way.
More, more, more - thank you so much.
That's very good, thank you so much.
All right - now .
.
follow me.
As you know, Shakespeare was the most prolific of playwrights, the best in the world.
But what you will not know is that he was also a very, very keen ghost hunter - oh, yes - who frequently supped full with horrors.
Yes - horrors, horrors.
Now, what I want you all to do is to reach out to his undead spirit, I want you all to hold hands, and repeat after me, "Wi-i-ill, Wi-i-ill .
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where art thou, Will?", can you do that? Can you do that? Now, don't be shy, don't be shy.
Hold hands, hold hands.
That's it, that's it.
Now Wi-i-ill? Wi-i-ill? Where art thou, Will? Really? Well, that's terrible.
Listen, get back here as soon as you can.
Bye-bye.
Sebastian.
He's been mugged.
No! What did they take? Coach-load of Japanese tourists.
What? Long story.
Well, that is terrible, though, isn't it? It is a dangerous world.
I once had What? Nothing.
Didn't we have a little chat? About you tidying yourself up a bit? Oh, we've been through all this! A man's clothes are his autobiography and mine say that I'm a dangerous, carefree maverick.
Aww - your clothes are your dinner plate and they say you had a chicken tikka masala last night.
Not for ages.
Anyway .
.
it's not chicken tikka.
Is it not? What is it? Biriyani? Jalfrezi? Smell it.
Oh! You are the detectives, Shakespeare and Hathaway? Guilty as charged! I need you to find my husband.
So when did you last see him? A week ago.
He flew over to England, but I haven't heard a word from him, and he's not been answering my calls.
Do you know where he might be staying? If I knew that, I would not be here! Yeah, no.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry - somewhere in Stratford.
He always stays here when he is in England, it .
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has many happy memories.
So, what exactly brought him to this country? He does a lot of business here.
English people are so polite - they never ask awkward questions .
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to Eastern European oligarchs.
Write that down - O-L .
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igarchs.
Just It's got to be around here somewhere.
How dare you? Do I know you? You should do - I'm the one whose punters you pinched.
Oh, I am sorry - but you see, I'm an actor, and when you have such extraordinary, God-given talent, it almost seems like a sin not to use it.
I'm an actor! Really? Oh, well, your secret's safe with me.
Do you know, the most mysterious incident took place here today? Did it? Yeah.
Yes, as I was holding my Ooh, ha-ha .
.
your audience spellbound, a man's hand flew off at his wrist.
What? Yeah.
Caused quite a kerfuffle.
I just I just pretended it was all part of the act, and I kicked it into the long grass.
That really is the biggest load of old You all right? I've found it.
Yes.
Well, as you were the one who lost it in the first place Shall I go grab it? No, my friend.
We cannot have a diplomatic incident.
We watch, and we wait.
And here.
Thank you.
Please, I am having nightmares about him.
I keep wondering, has he been kidnapped? But there's been no ransom note.
How did your husband make all his money? From minerals.
If you look inside your computer, you'll find several substances only my husband can provide.
Oh - I have some photos.
I wish I had more.
Well, you came to the right place, we'll do our best to help you find him.
Please - he is one man .
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but he is my whole world.
We'll do our best.
So, are you ready for a whistle-stop tour of the top hotels, meet some VIPs? I think we should do a background check on her first.
Why? It's just if she loves him so much, why doesn't she even know where he's staying? And, why is there no photographs of the two of them together? Hello? Is that the Antiques Roadshow? Look, I've got something rather unusual.
Hello? Oh, God.
Where are you? What do you want? We want what is in that bag? It belongs to our grandmother.
She is very attached to it.
Not any more, she's not! Give us the hand, or we will give you pain like you've never felt before.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, ha-ha! Good decision.
Yes Help! Murders! Thieves! Murderer! Murderer! Oh! Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine, thank you so much.
Thank you.
No worries.
Thank you for stopping.
Thank you.
Bye! A hand? A hand.
Are you sure are you sure it wasn't some kind of prop from a horror film? Well, if they're making a horror film around here, I need to know about it.
I do a very good zombie.
Argh - can we please get back to reality? Pavel Kusk, multi-millionaire, goes missing.
A woman comes in here, claiming to be his wife, says he's been staying in a hotel in Stratford.
Yeah, well, there must be hundreds of them.
Well, look - he obviously enjoys the high life, let's start with the posh ones.
There are dozens.
So stop whingeing and get on with it! It's a no, and that's a no.
Ooh.
Any joy? I think I've found him.
Oh, really! Where? The Hotel Philomel.
Place is dripping with wealth.
I've never seen so many bellboys staring down their noses at me.
Right.
Well, I did tell you that you should smarten yourself up a bit, didn't I.
A lot! Yeah - anyway, I asked about Pavel Kusk, the manager got all cagey.
But he had this look in his eyes.
He knew something.
Have you had a chance to look round any of the guest rooms? Nah, place is like Fort Knox.
I can't get near them.
But I have a cunning plan.
Hel Ooh! Turn that down.
Turn it down, turn it down! Oop, sorry.
Did you find him? Not yet, though, just like a professional dog walker, I do have several leads.
Go on.
Right - well, it's a lovely sunny day but the Imperial Suite, swankiest room in the hotel, has all its curtains closed and a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.
I'd dearly like to disturb! Well, disturb then.
Good luck, Sebastian! Honestly, the master key is playing up again.
Give it here.
I'll take it to maintenance, see if they can sort it.
Back in two ticks.
Room service! Hello? Sir? Oh OK, what do you want first? The good, the bad or the ugly? Whatever, just I've found Pavel Kusk .
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but, unfortunately, he's dead.
And one of his hands has been cut off.
It's got to be him.
Yeah, I'm just checking.
Yep, that's him.
Well, it's 95% of him.
That's got to be the hand you found in the Holy Trinity.
What kind of sicko would do that? You know, in some countries they cut your hand off for stealing.
Maybe this mineral magnate has taken something that doesn't belong to him? And somebody took revenge.
Frank, thanks for the call, your work here is done.
Hey! If it wasn't for us, he would have become a breakfast for maggots.
Yeah, well, if this guy is who you say he is, then this is big league stuff.
Got to play it by the book.
Well, don't forget who taught you how to read that book! I'll be in touch.
We need to get hold of that hand.
What for? Because we've been hired to find Pavel Kusk.
Every last bit of him.
We need to talk to Anastasia.
So, you don't know where the hand is? No.
But, just like a hotel with several en suites, I have a lot to go on.
Oh, dear! Oh, dear, oh, dear Felicitations, dear fellows! Felicitations! Now, who amongst you here wants to go on a real ghost walk? Yes, that's it, go on, give me your tens and give me your twenties! That's it! Thank you! More the merrier, more the merrier! Yes, yes, yes, a real, real ghost walk! Oh, hello, officer! Are you here for the ghost walk, are you? I think we need to have a little chat, sir.
There you are, Grandad! We've been looking everywhere.
What? You told Mum you were going to the bingo! You're not banging on about Shakespeare again?! Come on.
What are you doing? Saving your skin.
You owe me.
Right, here you go.
Hotel Philomel.
It's a very nice place, this.
I actually drove the Prime Minister of Belgium here.
Very generous man, he was.
Gave me a very good tip.
Ajay, you might want to hang round for a bit.
Have you found him? Is he OK? I'm so sorry.
No! I I think I knew, deep down.
It's why I came all this way.
The police are waiting inside, they're going to want to talk to you.
Shall I take you through? No, I don't think so.
I don't feel ready.
Is that because the police will find out that he's not really your husband? What did I say? What did you do with the hand? What hand? You know, the big hairy one.
Smelled faintly of cheese.
How much is it worth? Excuse me?! There was a couple of foreign chappies trying to get their paws on it.
But I hid it away in a place that only I know where.
So, it will cost you.
OK, that hand is wanted as part of a murder investigation and, if you don't hand it over, I'll hand you to the police, to be handcuffed and roughly manhandled.
And not in a good way.
I'm sorry.
We really want to help you but we do need to know who you are.
I told you.
I am Anastasia Kusk.
Married to Pavel Kusk.
But not according to this.
According to this, you and Pavel were divorced in 1993.
OK.
I'm his ex-wife.
So, in the eyes of the law, I am nothing.
Look, I'm sorry for your loss.
But you lied.
Look, Frank, why don't you go for a little walk? Yeah.
I'm sorry about my partner.
He's, erm He can be a bit He's a good detective.
I know.
That's why I hired you.
And, yes, I lied.
I thought you'd be more likely to help an anxious wife than a crazy ex-wife.
Well, you gave us a lot of money to find him.
Why was it so important? A few days ago, Pavel's brother called me and told me Pavel was planning to close down a vault that he kept in England.
We don't know why but I have a feeling he was planning to sell up and emigrate.
I see.
Well, I know we're divorced and he is in the past, but to never see him again I had to say goodbye.
If it's not too personal .
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can I ask why you broke up? We had a little boy, Ivan, who died at the age of five.
I'm so sorry.
For a whole year, I couldn't eat or speak .
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while my husband kept himself busy making obscene amounts of money.
Soon, we were two different people.
You said your husband was over here to close a vault.
Do you know what was in that vault? Paintings.
Paintings? He had an amazing collection, all the European masters.
Some he bought from art dealers.
Some from art thieves.
A Rembrandt.
A Picasso.
Modigliani.
His brother said they were worth over 100 million.
Gosh.
That's quite a collection.
Do you know who was due to inherit them? No idea.
I would have liked to have had a Bruegel or a Braque.
I, erm I don't know how to say this .
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but I'm afraid .
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someone cut one of your husband's hands off.
Do you know who would do something like that? Or why? It must be a maniac.
It must have been.
Of course, I will still pay you to find who did this.
But, please, be careful.
There are some very, very dangerous men in my country.
Here we are, then! All aboard! Poop-poop! This is my local caff.
I frequently come here when I'm not doing a film or a West End play.
You come here quite a lot, then? Every sodding day.
Ah, now, look Aha! Yes, there it is.
Ooh! Bit ripe.
There you are.
Yes, well, I think for all that effort, you can treat me to a Gut-busting All-Day Breakfast Mountain.
Delightful.
And it comes with squeezy ketchup.
Yes, yes, yes.
Very good stuff this, you know.
I wonder where that waitress is? She's normally We meet again.
Now, don't make any sudden moves.
Just hold up your hands.
All of them.
Give it to me.
Nice and gentle.
Sorry, but what exactly do you want it for? Is it some kind of Tracey Emin art installation? Or a novelty signpost? That is for me to know and you to wonder.
Hi there, what can I get you? Run! And then, in 1999, a Cezanne was stolen from a museum in Oxford.
Oh, look, during the Millennium fireworks.
Then, ten years later, a Van Gogh was taken and that was estimated to be worth 50 million pounds.
Reading this, I'm amazed there's any artwork left in the world.
Look, we have no way of knowing what's in the vault.
OK, I have been threatened at gunpoint, chased down the street, generally scared witless, but I do have the beast with five fingers.
Good work! What about the man that found it? Gloria's looking after him at the moment.
He's in a highly nervous state.
But he did manage to draw some pictures of the men who threatened us.
And this is from this morning, when the big scary man's hand fell off.
Wow.
Who needs CCTV, eh? Now, let's look at the facts.
Pavel Kusk.
A highly successful mineral magnate who's worth hundreds of millions of pounds.
And may have spent some of that on stolen artwork.
What I need to know is how he ended up in a hotel room minus his hand.
And how did this work its way to the churchyard? And those blokes you met, why are they so keen to get their mitts on it? Well, don't look at me.
I'm just like Pavel Kusk, I'm stumped.
Hang on.
We need to get rid of this straight away.
I'm handing it back to Marlowe.
Someone's already died for this hand.
And I have a terrible feeling they died in vain.
Wow.
Thanks.
It's a miracle you're still single.
Second-hand.
One previous owner, Mr Pavel Kusk, multi-millionaire.
But somebody killed him, cut it off, then managed to lose it in the churchyard.
Do you know why? It's just a theory, so bear with me.
So, Pavel comes back to England to close down a bank vault.
Now, some of these private banks, they use iris recognition as a security method and some of them use palm prints.
They killed him to use his hand as a swipe card? That's the way it's looking, yeah.
But what can you tell me about these photographs? What do they tell use about Mr Kusk? That he likes golf and a drink.
Oh, Christina, you are nothing without me.
Mr Kusk is obviously left-handed.
Which means that hand, there, is worth about 50p as a paperweight.
But the other one, the one in the morgue, could be worth a fortune.
I must say, you have a most impressive wardrobe.
Oh, no, those are Gloria's.
She's very short on space.
Do you know, it's quite extraordinary.
I believe that this is the costume that I wore when I played Hamlet at the RSC.
You were in the Royal Shakespeare Company? Oh, no, not that one, no.
The Rotherham Social Club.
It was the most wonderful evening.
Had all the grand soliloquies, plus bingo and a meat raffle.
And that'll be the pizza.
Come in! We're on the first floor.
Do you have any change? What? You know, from fleecing all my customers? Oh, erm Fine! I've got a thruppence bit somewhere.
Sebastian? I don't believe that's a 12-inch pepperoni that he's holding.
No tricks.
No lies.
Just tell me .
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where is the hand?! Now, you listen, sonny! I don't know what game it is you think you're playing but we're British, so we probably invented it, and Aah! Agh! Oh! So, are you going to give me what I want? Or do I have to feed you my pizza of pain? OK, we don't have the hand, it's gone to the police.
No, no, really! And it wasn't the right hand, anyway, because, actually, he's left-handed.
Thank you.
What did you tell him that for?! So I could live! We were six steps ahead of them and now we're neck and neck! At least I've still got a neck.
I'm going to have to talk to Harold when he's feeling better.
Be my guest.
I don't suppose he's done any more of his amazing life-like pictures? We've done one better than that.
As the beasts from the east were diving into their van Oh, great.
I can show these to Anastasia.
See if she recognises them.
Good idea.
But, first, we've got to get to the morgue.
Spring roll? No, thanks.
They look far too much like fingers.
Yeah, they do, don't they? Oh! It's Anastasia.
She says, "I've never seen those two men before "and I have no idea where he had his vault.
" Well, I've no idea.
I mean, I know where all the self-storage units are.
But where do the mega rich keep their money, I mean I don't like the sound of that.
Oh, do you think they've broken in? No! They're cleverer than that.
They've found a way of setting off the alarm remotely.
And now they're coming in to fix it.
Whoa, whoa! You're not seriously thinking of going after them? We can't let them get away with it! Ah, Mr Kusk.
What I am about to do, Mr Kusk, is not pleasant.
But, on the plus side, at least you will be symmetrical.
But they're dangerous! I can't let you in.
I'm CID.
That's a Clubcard.
The police are on their way! I can't let you in.
Oh, you need to help! Oh, the baby's coming! Oh, it's coming.
Please, I just need to lie down.
Get backup! Get an ambulance! All right! Get a towel! Good job! Why have I never thought of that? Hang on.
Oh, I'm ever so dizzy.
Here, grab that.
If anyone tries to escape, let 'em have it.
OK.
Oh, Frank.
Be careful.
Uh, yeah, uh Yeah.
OK, right.
Ah, you've come to admire my handiwork? No, I've come to stop you.
And how are you going to do that? With your good manners and your British sense of fair play? No, with my British ingenuity and my .
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bulldog spirit.
Aw, who is a clever little doggy? But this is one bone you're not going to chew.
Bye-bye.
Ooh! Ah! Ugh! Just Sorry! Well, come on.
Well done, Frank.
You've managed to lose both suspects and our murder victim is getting smaller by the minute.
I did warn you the other hand was worth a fortune! But at least you've got them on CCTV.
We have indeed.
Dimitri Kapel and Alek Hodzic.
Somewhere near the top of Interpol's most wanted list.
And we know where they're going! Because they're going to go straight to, erm Straight to, you know, the, erm Oh, come on, you know where they are.
You know where the vault is.
We've made a list of possible places.
We've put all the banks and storage facilities on high alert.
We just don't know which one he used yet.
Well, don't worry about it.
We'll find out tomorrow.
When we read about the multimillion pound art theft.
So, once again, I am a lone voice in the wilderness, a one man band, just me against the world.
Well, you're not exactly alone, are you? Because you've got me and my incredible ability to get past security guards.
You've got Sebastian and his fantastic disguises.
And Harold.
Harold and his amazing artistic talent.
Yeah, we really need to talk to him.
I'm assuming this is one of our thugs.
Yeah.
And that's our thug, there, just trying to blend in with the crowd, and then, er! Whoops, there's my hand! I mean, what is that? Is it a helmet? A crown? And the title, what does that mean? Aah.
Aah There's only one way to find out, isn't there? Hello? Sebastian, what are you up to? Just aligning my inner chakra.
Ask him about Harold's drawing.
I know! Can you ask Harold about his drawings? Harold? Do you remember your drawing? Drawings? Oh, my drawings! Do you want to buy it? No, we were wondering about the title.
You've called it, "Ah"? Ah? Oh, no, no, no, that was the logo on the side of the car.
What car? You know, the one that chased that fellow whose hand flew off.
There were some guards inside that car too you know and, on the side of it, there was a logo.
Like a crown with "AH" written in the centre.
Thanks, Harold.
Thanks, Sebastian.
It's a crown.
Well, that has to be the bank that's chasing him.
Yes! AH! AH! Andronicus House! Andronicus House! Britain's most exclusive, fortified, private storage facility.
That must be it! And we are going in.
But not dressed like that, you're not.
What? Oh, yes, Frank this is very me.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
So .
.
this is how the other 0.
05% live, is it? I wonder if anyone's single? I might try and bag myself an What are you doing here?! The same as everyone.
Trying to survive.
You know who these men are?! They murdered your husband! They cut his hand off to use as a skeleton key! Of course I know! But, as I probably won't get a penny in the will, this is my one chance of a pension fund.
You heard the lady.
She does not need your services, so run along.
I think he might be right.
We should run along.
What?! To the police station.
Ask them to get the cells ready.
Unless, of course Yes? .
.
you buy our silence with a painting? Just a little something we can sell onto a friend.
A Dali, maybe? Or da Vinci? Don't try and palm us off with any old Pollocks.
Frank, what are you doing? Well, business is hardly booming, is it? And we won't get anything for handing them in.
How do I know I can trust you? Well, I don't think you have a choice.
After you.
So, you three were in league from the start? I have only just met these gentlemen.
I sent their photo to a friend in the secret police and he put me in touch.
We are very well-connected, you know.
They tried to get in the vault this morning, but security asked some awkward questions and they had to flee.
So, I said I would smooth things over for them.
One big happy family, eh? Welcome to Andronicus House.
You may enter your vault.
Well? Aren't you going to let us in? I think there's something wrong.
Yes.
Something very wrong, indeed.
Pavel! I thought you were dead?! Well, I was.
I just had to crawl out of my grave to find out who'd been robbing me.
Did you know? Hold on a sec.
You are so annoying.
Mr Kusk, Frank Hathaway.
I've been investigating your murder.
Anything I can do to help? I had my suspicions from the off.
Two whisky glasses in the hotel room.
Which suggests that an earlier friendly visitor came to call before the Brothers Grim, here? And then I realised we'd forgotten somebody.
Who? Your brother-in-law, Petrov.
He told you Pavel was coming to close down the vault.
And he wanted to get his hands on the contents.
He came to see you last night at the worst possible time, didn't he? He did.
My brother, Petrov, was a sweet man, but he was always haranguing me for a hand-out.
And, last night, I was resting in my room, when who comes hammering on the door? He pleaded with me, "Just a couple of million!" I took refuge in the bathroom.
And that's when these subhuman species came.
They took Petrov's life and then they took his hand.
And, yes, I saw it all through the keyhole.
But, if I had opened the door, there would have been another corpse on the bedroom floor.
Hang on! How have they been getting through all the security doors if that's not your hand? I told my friends at the bank to bypass the security.
I said, "You can let anybody in.
"But don't let anybody out.
" I think they will let me out.
If I have a hostage.
Now, won't you let me into your vault? Everything that's precious to me is in that room.
The most beautiful pictures in the world.
Why would I show them to a thug like you? Because, if you do not, I will paint the walls red with blood.
Now opening vault nine.
Welcome to my world.
I would offer you a chair, but I come here to get away from people.
So, which of these is the most valuable? I think they're all precious.
They're the work of your little boy, aren't they? Ivan, the little boy you lost.
26 years ago.
On holiday.
Just down the road from here.
I kept this as a kind of shrine and somewhere to escape to.
Petrov said you had Picassos and Van Goghs in here.
He always did have a vivid imagination.
But I never corrected him.
I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.
Is that why you pushed me away? All those years ago? I am so sorry.
So, these paintings.
Are they really valuable? Only to us.
No, come on.
Hang on a minute! Eh? What about this one, eh? Look at that.
The world famous Pig of Pontefract.
That is priceless.
Pig of Pontefract? Bye-bye.
Hey! Vault nine secured.
So, the murderers are in vault nine.
The art is God knows where.
And the murder victim, well, here he is.
Hello! Is anyone going to explain what's going on? This lady here can tell you most of it.
I'll come, too.
We've got quite a lot to catch up on.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the final resting place of the greatest poet and playwright in the world.
William Shakespeare.
So, it is time for us to reach out to the undead spirit of the Bard.
He's really rather good, isn't he? If you like that sort of thing.
Will, Will, where art thou, Will? Can you do that? Yes? Come on, everyone.
Do you know, they got so sick of him stealing punters that, in the end, they just had to give him a job? That's what I do with all my ne'er-do-wells.
Oh, ha-ha! Where art thou, Will?! Greetings, mortals! I am Will! Writer with the golden quill.
Back from the grave, though God knows how.
So, come and get your selfies now.
I'm going to get a selfie.
Hello, excuse me? Can I have a selfie? Thanks.
Thanks! Do you want one? No.
Right.
After this awful ordeal is over, do you fancy a drink at the Mucky Mallard? Sounds like a plan.
The landlord won't serve you, though.
What? Why not? Because you're BARD! Do you get it? Please yourself.
Thank you.
Right, then - anyone need the bathroom? "To pee or not to pee?" Ha-ha Never mind.
If you want to have your £20 ready, the walk departeth in two minutes.
Good morrow, good people, good morrow! Now, which of you here wants to go on a real Ghost Walk? Not like this one here, full of facts - boring, boring, boring! Well, if you do, just shove your money in my lunchbox here.
That's the way.
More, more, more - thank you so much.
That's very good, thank you so much.
All right - now .
.
follow me.
As you know, Shakespeare was the most prolific of playwrights, the best in the world.
But what you will not know is that he was also a very, very keen ghost hunter - oh, yes - who frequently supped full with horrors.
Yes - horrors, horrors.
Now, what I want you all to do is to reach out to his undead spirit, I want you all to hold hands, and repeat after me, "Wi-i-ill, Wi-i-ill .
.
where art thou, Will?", can you do that? Can you do that? Now, don't be shy, don't be shy.
Hold hands, hold hands.
That's it, that's it.
Now Wi-i-ill? Wi-i-ill? Where art thou, Will? Really? Well, that's terrible.
Listen, get back here as soon as you can.
Bye-bye.
Sebastian.
He's been mugged.
No! What did they take? Coach-load of Japanese tourists.
What? Long story.
Well, that is terrible, though, isn't it? It is a dangerous world.
I once had What? Nothing.
Didn't we have a little chat? About you tidying yourself up a bit? Oh, we've been through all this! A man's clothes are his autobiography and mine say that I'm a dangerous, carefree maverick.
Aww - your clothes are your dinner plate and they say you had a chicken tikka masala last night.
Not for ages.
Anyway .
.
it's not chicken tikka.
Is it not? What is it? Biriyani? Jalfrezi? Smell it.
Oh! You are the detectives, Shakespeare and Hathaway? Guilty as charged! I need you to find my husband.
So when did you last see him? A week ago.
He flew over to England, but I haven't heard a word from him, and he's not been answering my calls.
Do you know where he might be staying? If I knew that, I would not be here! Yeah, no.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry - somewhere in Stratford.
He always stays here when he is in England, it .
.
has many happy memories.
So, what exactly brought him to this country? He does a lot of business here.
English people are so polite - they never ask awkward questions .
.
to Eastern European oligarchs.
Write that down - O-L .
.
igarchs.
Just It's got to be around here somewhere.
How dare you? Do I know you? You should do - I'm the one whose punters you pinched.
Oh, I am sorry - but you see, I'm an actor, and when you have such extraordinary, God-given talent, it almost seems like a sin not to use it.
I'm an actor! Really? Oh, well, your secret's safe with me.
Do you know, the most mysterious incident took place here today? Did it? Yeah.
Yes, as I was holding my Ooh, ha-ha .
.
your audience spellbound, a man's hand flew off at his wrist.
What? Yeah.
Caused quite a kerfuffle.
I just I just pretended it was all part of the act, and I kicked it into the long grass.
That really is the biggest load of old You all right? I've found it.
Yes.
Well, as you were the one who lost it in the first place Shall I go grab it? No, my friend.
We cannot have a diplomatic incident.
We watch, and we wait.
And here.
Thank you.
Please, I am having nightmares about him.
I keep wondering, has he been kidnapped? But there's been no ransom note.
How did your husband make all his money? From minerals.
If you look inside your computer, you'll find several substances only my husband can provide.
Oh - I have some photos.
I wish I had more.
Well, you came to the right place, we'll do our best to help you find him.
Please - he is one man .
.
but he is my whole world.
We'll do our best.
So, are you ready for a whistle-stop tour of the top hotels, meet some VIPs? I think we should do a background check on her first.
Why? It's just if she loves him so much, why doesn't she even know where he's staying? And, why is there no photographs of the two of them together? Hello? Is that the Antiques Roadshow? Look, I've got something rather unusual.
Hello? Oh, God.
Where are you? What do you want? We want what is in that bag? It belongs to our grandmother.
She is very attached to it.
Not any more, she's not! Give us the hand, or we will give you pain like you've never felt before.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, ha-ha! Good decision.
Yes Help! Murders! Thieves! Murderer! Murderer! Oh! Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine, thank you so much.
Thank you.
No worries.
Thank you for stopping.
Thank you.
Bye! A hand? A hand.
Are you sure are you sure it wasn't some kind of prop from a horror film? Well, if they're making a horror film around here, I need to know about it.
I do a very good zombie.
Argh - can we please get back to reality? Pavel Kusk, multi-millionaire, goes missing.
A woman comes in here, claiming to be his wife, says he's been staying in a hotel in Stratford.
Yeah, well, there must be hundreds of them.
Well, look - he obviously enjoys the high life, let's start with the posh ones.
There are dozens.
So stop whingeing and get on with it! It's a no, and that's a no.
Ooh.
Any joy? I think I've found him.
Oh, really! Where? The Hotel Philomel.
Place is dripping with wealth.
I've never seen so many bellboys staring down their noses at me.
Right.
Well, I did tell you that you should smarten yourself up a bit, didn't I.
A lot! Yeah - anyway, I asked about Pavel Kusk, the manager got all cagey.
But he had this look in his eyes.
He knew something.
Have you had a chance to look round any of the guest rooms? Nah, place is like Fort Knox.
I can't get near them.
But I have a cunning plan.
Hel Ooh! Turn that down.
Turn it down, turn it down! Oop, sorry.
Did you find him? Not yet, though, just like a professional dog walker, I do have several leads.
Go on.
Right - well, it's a lovely sunny day but the Imperial Suite, swankiest room in the hotel, has all its curtains closed and a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.
I'd dearly like to disturb! Well, disturb then.
Good luck, Sebastian! Honestly, the master key is playing up again.
Give it here.
I'll take it to maintenance, see if they can sort it.
Back in two ticks.
Room service! Hello? Sir? Oh OK, what do you want first? The good, the bad or the ugly? Whatever, just I've found Pavel Kusk .
.
but, unfortunately, he's dead.
And one of his hands has been cut off.
It's got to be him.
Yeah, I'm just checking.
Yep, that's him.
Well, it's 95% of him.
That's got to be the hand you found in the Holy Trinity.
What kind of sicko would do that? You know, in some countries they cut your hand off for stealing.
Maybe this mineral magnate has taken something that doesn't belong to him? And somebody took revenge.
Frank, thanks for the call, your work here is done.
Hey! If it wasn't for us, he would have become a breakfast for maggots.
Yeah, well, if this guy is who you say he is, then this is big league stuff.
Got to play it by the book.
Well, don't forget who taught you how to read that book! I'll be in touch.
We need to get hold of that hand.
What for? Because we've been hired to find Pavel Kusk.
Every last bit of him.
We need to talk to Anastasia.
So, you don't know where the hand is? No.
But, just like a hotel with several en suites, I have a lot to go on.
Oh, dear! Oh, dear, oh, dear Felicitations, dear fellows! Felicitations! Now, who amongst you here wants to go on a real ghost walk? Yes, that's it, go on, give me your tens and give me your twenties! That's it! Thank you! More the merrier, more the merrier! Yes, yes, yes, a real, real ghost walk! Oh, hello, officer! Are you here for the ghost walk, are you? I think we need to have a little chat, sir.
There you are, Grandad! We've been looking everywhere.
What? You told Mum you were going to the bingo! You're not banging on about Shakespeare again?! Come on.
What are you doing? Saving your skin.
You owe me.
Right, here you go.
Hotel Philomel.
It's a very nice place, this.
I actually drove the Prime Minister of Belgium here.
Very generous man, he was.
Gave me a very good tip.
Ajay, you might want to hang round for a bit.
Have you found him? Is he OK? I'm so sorry.
No! I I think I knew, deep down.
It's why I came all this way.
The police are waiting inside, they're going to want to talk to you.
Shall I take you through? No, I don't think so.
I don't feel ready.
Is that because the police will find out that he's not really your husband? What did I say? What did you do with the hand? What hand? You know, the big hairy one.
Smelled faintly of cheese.
How much is it worth? Excuse me?! There was a couple of foreign chappies trying to get their paws on it.
But I hid it away in a place that only I know where.
So, it will cost you.
OK, that hand is wanted as part of a murder investigation and, if you don't hand it over, I'll hand you to the police, to be handcuffed and roughly manhandled.
And not in a good way.
I'm sorry.
We really want to help you but we do need to know who you are.
I told you.
I am Anastasia Kusk.
Married to Pavel Kusk.
But not according to this.
According to this, you and Pavel were divorced in 1993.
OK.
I'm his ex-wife.
So, in the eyes of the law, I am nothing.
Look, I'm sorry for your loss.
But you lied.
Look, Frank, why don't you go for a little walk? Yeah.
I'm sorry about my partner.
He's, erm He can be a bit He's a good detective.
I know.
That's why I hired you.
And, yes, I lied.
I thought you'd be more likely to help an anxious wife than a crazy ex-wife.
Well, you gave us a lot of money to find him.
Why was it so important? A few days ago, Pavel's brother called me and told me Pavel was planning to close down a vault that he kept in England.
We don't know why but I have a feeling he was planning to sell up and emigrate.
I see.
Well, I know we're divorced and he is in the past, but to never see him again I had to say goodbye.
If it's not too personal .
.
can I ask why you broke up? We had a little boy, Ivan, who died at the age of five.
I'm so sorry.
For a whole year, I couldn't eat or speak .
.
while my husband kept himself busy making obscene amounts of money.
Soon, we were two different people.
You said your husband was over here to close a vault.
Do you know what was in that vault? Paintings.
Paintings? He had an amazing collection, all the European masters.
Some he bought from art dealers.
Some from art thieves.
A Rembrandt.
A Picasso.
Modigliani.
His brother said they were worth over 100 million.
Gosh.
That's quite a collection.
Do you know who was due to inherit them? No idea.
I would have liked to have had a Bruegel or a Braque.
I, erm I don't know how to say this .
.
but I'm afraid .
.
someone cut one of your husband's hands off.
Do you know who would do something like that? Or why? It must be a maniac.
It must have been.
Of course, I will still pay you to find who did this.
But, please, be careful.
There are some very, very dangerous men in my country.
Here we are, then! All aboard! Poop-poop! This is my local caff.
I frequently come here when I'm not doing a film or a West End play.
You come here quite a lot, then? Every sodding day.
Ah, now, look Aha! Yes, there it is.
Ooh! Bit ripe.
There you are.
Yes, well, I think for all that effort, you can treat me to a Gut-busting All-Day Breakfast Mountain.
Delightful.
And it comes with squeezy ketchup.
Yes, yes, yes.
Very good stuff this, you know.
I wonder where that waitress is? She's normally We meet again.
Now, don't make any sudden moves.
Just hold up your hands.
All of them.
Give it to me.
Nice and gentle.
Sorry, but what exactly do you want it for? Is it some kind of Tracey Emin art installation? Or a novelty signpost? That is for me to know and you to wonder.
Hi there, what can I get you? Run! And then, in 1999, a Cezanne was stolen from a museum in Oxford.
Oh, look, during the Millennium fireworks.
Then, ten years later, a Van Gogh was taken and that was estimated to be worth 50 million pounds.
Reading this, I'm amazed there's any artwork left in the world.
Look, we have no way of knowing what's in the vault.
OK, I have been threatened at gunpoint, chased down the street, generally scared witless, but I do have the beast with five fingers.
Good work! What about the man that found it? Gloria's looking after him at the moment.
He's in a highly nervous state.
But he did manage to draw some pictures of the men who threatened us.
And this is from this morning, when the big scary man's hand fell off.
Wow.
Who needs CCTV, eh? Now, let's look at the facts.
Pavel Kusk.
A highly successful mineral magnate who's worth hundreds of millions of pounds.
And may have spent some of that on stolen artwork.
What I need to know is how he ended up in a hotel room minus his hand.
And how did this work its way to the churchyard? And those blokes you met, why are they so keen to get their mitts on it? Well, don't look at me.
I'm just like Pavel Kusk, I'm stumped.
Hang on.
We need to get rid of this straight away.
I'm handing it back to Marlowe.
Someone's already died for this hand.
And I have a terrible feeling they died in vain.
Wow.
Thanks.
It's a miracle you're still single.
Second-hand.
One previous owner, Mr Pavel Kusk, multi-millionaire.
But somebody killed him, cut it off, then managed to lose it in the churchyard.
Do you know why? It's just a theory, so bear with me.
So, Pavel comes back to England to close down a bank vault.
Now, some of these private banks, they use iris recognition as a security method and some of them use palm prints.
They killed him to use his hand as a swipe card? That's the way it's looking, yeah.
But what can you tell me about these photographs? What do they tell use about Mr Kusk? That he likes golf and a drink.
Oh, Christina, you are nothing without me.
Mr Kusk is obviously left-handed.
Which means that hand, there, is worth about 50p as a paperweight.
But the other one, the one in the morgue, could be worth a fortune.
I must say, you have a most impressive wardrobe.
Oh, no, those are Gloria's.
She's very short on space.
Do you know, it's quite extraordinary.
I believe that this is the costume that I wore when I played Hamlet at the RSC.
You were in the Royal Shakespeare Company? Oh, no, not that one, no.
The Rotherham Social Club.
It was the most wonderful evening.
Had all the grand soliloquies, plus bingo and a meat raffle.
And that'll be the pizza.
Come in! We're on the first floor.
Do you have any change? What? You know, from fleecing all my customers? Oh, erm Fine! I've got a thruppence bit somewhere.
Sebastian? I don't believe that's a 12-inch pepperoni that he's holding.
No tricks.
No lies.
Just tell me .
.
where is the hand?! Now, you listen, sonny! I don't know what game it is you think you're playing but we're British, so we probably invented it, and Aah! Agh! Oh! So, are you going to give me what I want? Or do I have to feed you my pizza of pain? OK, we don't have the hand, it's gone to the police.
No, no, really! And it wasn't the right hand, anyway, because, actually, he's left-handed.
Thank you.
What did you tell him that for?! So I could live! We were six steps ahead of them and now we're neck and neck! At least I've still got a neck.
I'm going to have to talk to Harold when he's feeling better.
Be my guest.
I don't suppose he's done any more of his amazing life-like pictures? We've done one better than that.
As the beasts from the east were diving into their van Oh, great.
I can show these to Anastasia.
See if she recognises them.
Good idea.
But, first, we've got to get to the morgue.
Spring roll? No, thanks.
They look far too much like fingers.
Yeah, they do, don't they? Oh! It's Anastasia.
She says, "I've never seen those two men before "and I have no idea where he had his vault.
" Well, I've no idea.
I mean, I know where all the self-storage units are.
But where do the mega rich keep their money, I mean I don't like the sound of that.
Oh, do you think they've broken in? No! They're cleverer than that.
They've found a way of setting off the alarm remotely.
And now they're coming in to fix it.
Whoa, whoa! You're not seriously thinking of going after them? We can't let them get away with it! Ah, Mr Kusk.
What I am about to do, Mr Kusk, is not pleasant.
But, on the plus side, at least you will be symmetrical.
But they're dangerous! I can't let you in.
I'm CID.
That's a Clubcard.
The police are on their way! I can't let you in.
Oh, you need to help! Oh, the baby's coming! Oh, it's coming.
Please, I just need to lie down.
Get backup! Get an ambulance! All right! Get a towel! Good job! Why have I never thought of that? Hang on.
Oh, I'm ever so dizzy.
Here, grab that.
If anyone tries to escape, let 'em have it.
OK.
Oh, Frank.
Be careful.
Uh, yeah, uh Yeah.
OK, right.
Ah, you've come to admire my handiwork? No, I've come to stop you.
And how are you going to do that? With your good manners and your British sense of fair play? No, with my British ingenuity and my .
.
bulldog spirit.
Aw, who is a clever little doggy? But this is one bone you're not going to chew.
Bye-bye.
Ooh! Ah! Ugh! Just Sorry! Well, come on.
Well done, Frank.
You've managed to lose both suspects and our murder victim is getting smaller by the minute.
I did warn you the other hand was worth a fortune! But at least you've got them on CCTV.
We have indeed.
Dimitri Kapel and Alek Hodzic.
Somewhere near the top of Interpol's most wanted list.
And we know where they're going! Because they're going to go straight to, erm Straight to, you know, the, erm Oh, come on, you know where they are.
You know where the vault is.
We've made a list of possible places.
We've put all the banks and storage facilities on high alert.
We just don't know which one he used yet.
Well, don't worry about it.
We'll find out tomorrow.
When we read about the multimillion pound art theft.
So, once again, I am a lone voice in the wilderness, a one man band, just me against the world.
Well, you're not exactly alone, are you? Because you've got me and my incredible ability to get past security guards.
You've got Sebastian and his fantastic disguises.
And Harold.
Harold and his amazing artistic talent.
Yeah, we really need to talk to him.
I'm assuming this is one of our thugs.
Yeah.
And that's our thug, there, just trying to blend in with the crowd, and then, er! Whoops, there's my hand! I mean, what is that? Is it a helmet? A crown? And the title, what does that mean? Aah.
Aah There's only one way to find out, isn't there? Hello? Sebastian, what are you up to? Just aligning my inner chakra.
Ask him about Harold's drawing.
I know! Can you ask Harold about his drawings? Harold? Do you remember your drawing? Drawings? Oh, my drawings! Do you want to buy it? No, we were wondering about the title.
You've called it, "Ah"? Ah? Oh, no, no, no, that was the logo on the side of the car.
What car? You know, the one that chased that fellow whose hand flew off.
There were some guards inside that car too you know and, on the side of it, there was a logo.
Like a crown with "AH" written in the centre.
Thanks, Harold.
Thanks, Sebastian.
It's a crown.
Well, that has to be the bank that's chasing him.
Yes! AH! AH! Andronicus House! Andronicus House! Britain's most exclusive, fortified, private storage facility.
That must be it! And we are going in.
But not dressed like that, you're not.
What? Oh, yes, Frank this is very me.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
So .
.
this is how the other 0.
05% live, is it? I wonder if anyone's single? I might try and bag myself an What are you doing here?! The same as everyone.
Trying to survive.
You know who these men are?! They murdered your husband! They cut his hand off to use as a skeleton key! Of course I know! But, as I probably won't get a penny in the will, this is my one chance of a pension fund.
You heard the lady.
She does not need your services, so run along.
I think he might be right.
We should run along.
What?! To the police station.
Ask them to get the cells ready.
Unless, of course Yes? .
.
you buy our silence with a painting? Just a little something we can sell onto a friend.
A Dali, maybe? Or da Vinci? Don't try and palm us off with any old Pollocks.
Frank, what are you doing? Well, business is hardly booming, is it? And we won't get anything for handing them in.
How do I know I can trust you? Well, I don't think you have a choice.
After you.
So, you three were in league from the start? I have only just met these gentlemen.
I sent their photo to a friend in the secret police and he put me in touch.
We are very well-connected, you know.
They tried to get in the vault this morning, but security asked some awkward questions and they had to flee.
So, I said I would smooth things over for them.
One big happy family, eh? Welcome to Andronicus House.
You may enter your vault.
Well? Aren't you going to let us in? I think there's something wrong.
Yes.
Something very wrong, indeed.
Pavel! I thought you were dead?! Well, I was.
I just had to crawl out of my grave to find out who'd been robbing me.
Did you know? Hold on a sec.
You are so annoying.
Mr Kusk, Frank Hathaway.
I've been investigating your murder.
Anything I can do to help? I had my suspicions from the off.
Two whisky glasses in the hotel room.
Which suggests that an earlier friendly visitor came to call before the Brothers Grim, here? And then I realised we'd forgotten somebody.
Who? Your brother-in-law, Petrov.
He told you Pavel was coming to close down the vault.
And he wanted to get his hands on the contents.
He came to see you last night at the worst possible time, didn't he? He did.
My brother, Petrov, was a sweet man, but he was always haranguing me for a hand-out.
And, last night, I was resting in my room, when who comes hammering on the door? He pleaded with me, "Just a couple of million!" I took refuge in the bathroom.
And that's when these subhuman species came.
They took Petrov's life and then they took his hand.
And, yes, I saw it all through the keyhole.
But, if I had opened the door, there would have been another corpse on the bedroom floor.
Hang on! How have they been getting through all the security doors if that's not your hand? I told my friends at the bank to bypass the security.
I said, "You can let anybody in.
"But don't let anybody out.
" I think they will let me out.
If I have a hostage.
Now, won't you let me into your vault? Everything that's precious to me is in that room.
The most beautiful pictures in the world.
Why would I show them to a thug like you? Because, if you do not, I will paint the walls red with blood.
Now opening vault nine.
Welcome to my world.
I would offer you a chair, but I come here to get away from people.
So, which of these is the most valuable? I think they're all precious.
They're the work of your little boy, aren't they? Ivan, the little boy you lost.
26 years ago.
On holiday.
Just down the road from here.
I kept this as a kind of shrine and somewhere to escape to.
Petrov said you had Picassos and Van Goghs in here.
He always did have a vivid imagination.
But I never corrected him.
I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.
Is that why you pushed me away? All those years ago? I am so sorry.
So, these paintings.
Are they really valuable? Only to us.
No, come on.
Hang on a minute! Eh? What about this one, eh? Look at that.
The world famous Pig of Pontefract.
That is priceless.
Pig of Pontefract? Bye-bye.
Hey! Vault nine secured.
So, the murderers are in vault nine.
The art is God knows where.
And the murder victim, well, here he is.
Hello! Is anyone going to explain what's going on? This lady here can tell you most of it.
I'll come, too.
We've got quite a lot to catch up on.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the final resting place of the greatest poet and playwright in the world.
William Shakespeare.
So, it is time for us to reach out to the undead spirit of the Bard.
He's really rather good, isn't he? If you like that sort of thing.
Will, Will, where art thou, Will? Can you do that? Yes? Come on, everyone.
Do you know, they got so sick of him stealing punters that, in the end, they just had to give him a job? That's what I do with all my ne'er-do-wells.
Oh, ha-ha! Where art thou, Will?! Greetings, mortals! I am Will! Writer with the golden quill.
Back from the grave, though God knows how.
So, come and get your selfies now.
I'm going to get a selfie.
Hello, excuse me? Can I have a selfie? Thanks.
Thanks! Do you want one? No.
Right.
After this awful ordeal is over, do you fancy a drink at the Mucky Mallard? Sounds like a plan.
The landlord won't serve you, though.
What? Why not? Because you're BARD! Do you get it? Please yourself.