Shameless US s03e05 Episode Script

The Sins Of My Caretaker

For those of you who were too lazy to tune in last week, This is what you missed on shameless Thanks, tim.
Stay down.
how long was that? Not long enough.
City pools are filled with city kids.
You need at least 90 seconds.
Cancer's opening up a whole wonderful world for you.
I was able to pull some strings And get you these special cancer pills.
- Will they cure my cancer? - Depends on your attitude.
- I just got my one-year chip From sex addicts anonymous.
- I'll go slow.
- Not gonna happen.
- Jody only wants to cuddle and do it like missionaries.
It's boring.
- If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me.
It's an addiction.
- I think everyone at work, other than me, Is blowing the manager.
Princess, I got it.
Go take your break.
It's a not a break, break.
It's a "bobby" break.
- They're all gonna realize I'm not carrying My share of the load, literally.
- Gotta save your sperm for baby-making.
- This was a baby-making session? Hoping so.
daddy, it's molly.
Mommy died.
Please come.
Who the fuck's molly? She's my half-sister.
- That's just my girl penis.
- Looks exactly like a boy penis.
- Am I coming home with you? - You don't need to be playing house With mandy milkovich.
Doing shit like this signals something To a girl like mandy.
Sure you know what kind of signals you're sending? - Hey, fiona, ian, you met my father.
who the fuck are you? It's jimmy's dad.
- Were you trying to screw lip? Ian.
- I would like to report a negligent situation.
Six kids living in squalor.
No parental supervision.
They're all criminals.
That is an all-time low.
- think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? Fuck you, gallagher.
Dude, little man in the canoe.
- I'm sorry, but my game is off.
- How does a tongue forget how to lick? It's the whole "my dad is gay for your brother" thing.
It's like on a film loop in my brain.
Ian's cock, my dad's mouth-- In, out, in, out.
- It's just sex.
He's still the same person.
But is he? Because I'm rethinking everything I even thought about him.
Like in high school when my friends came over, Was he checking out their asses? Or that guy, uncle rick-- His racquetball partner with the feathered hair? - Uh-huh.
- Do not leave.
- Too hot in here anyway.
Sheets are sticking to my back.
And I gotta go to work.
Be happy you have a real dad, Not some thieving alcoholic deadbeat Who's puking into the silverware drawer.
I-- Doin' some work on the sewer main in a couple days, Just wanted to warn ya.
Warn us what? - The water's gonna be shut off for the day.
Oh, thanks.
- Honey? What is that for? Sex swing.
Trying to see if it can bear both of us at once.
If not, I can get us a four-post freestander.
Oh, god.
- What-- is this-- Aren't we-- ? - It's fine.
It's just with all the, um, Shipments and everything.
And just-- it's totally fine.
It's just-- I'm just not used to being, um, submissive.
- You can be the dom tomorrow.
- Okay.
Oh, that's fine.
It's good for us to grow As people.
- Shower's free.
Who's next? Hey! - She's not even related to us.
- Go pee downstairs.
- How long do you plan on keeping molly around? - Till we find someone to take him in.
- Are you looking? - Yeah.
- Good.
Might as well tell him he's a he, While you're at it.
- Mm, what-- what time is it? - Sex o'clock.
- Hey! - Quick, before carl gets back.
- Yeah, no, I can't-- - I'm sleeping.
- I got to, uh-- I gotta help carl set up for day care.
- I thought that was debbie's job.
Yeah, no, it is.
She's just going to the pool today, So I promised I'd supervise.
Still sleeping.
- What are your plans for the day? - Actually me and kev are taking The ice cream truck to indiana, Going on a fireworks run.
Can we come? - Uh, no, we won't all fit on the way back.
You know, stash is probably gonna take up, Like, half the truck, so-- Can you do it tomorrow? I really want us to take molly to the beach Before the weekend meatheads descend.
Other people exist, maybe? No, I gotta get down there Before the roman candles sell out.
Hey, did you find any, uh, molly relatives? - Tracked down a second cousin in the navy on facebook.
- Did you post on his wall? - Status says he's on sea duty.
I'll do it when he gets back.
- I mean, um, when's that? Didn't say.
Look, cage the ferret, okay? Day care parents don't appreciate morning muff.
here you go.
Good doggy.
Jimmy, I can't do breakfast, set up for day care, And practice holding my breath all at the same time.
Oh, it's still broken.
- It's a finger, not your neck.
Carl, can you set up for day care? I need to get to the pool at exactly 9:00 a.
It's opening day.
- I'm feeding liam.
I can help.
Thanks, molly.
Okay, wipe down the exersaucers and teething toys, Then check the nap-pads for head-lice and boogers.
That's a really pretty dress.
It hides my girl penis.
Mom said it's impolite to show off my bulge.
More coffee? Lip, ian, come down here a sec! Okay, listen up, gallaghers and milkoviches.
They're digging up the sewer main in a few days And shutting the water off, So we need to do laundry and dishes beforehand.
What about toilets? - I guess we just won't flush that day.
- Well, we could fill up buckets.
- He crippled or something? Just so helpful.
Must be nice having a spouse.
- Wait, they're digging up the lawn? Yeah.
What about aunt ginger? incoming.
- Okay.
- Mwah.
- I'll be back for dinner.
Buck up, kiddo.
- No biggie, just my universe falling apart.
Hey, there, fella.
Let's go take the browns to the super bowl, huh? Jesus! - Guess who came by today.
The city.
They're digging up the yard to work on the sewer line.
You need to find aunt ginger before they do.
Who? - The dead relative whose social security checks You've been cashing.
You buried her.
You unbury her.
- Hand.
- Come on, debs.
Bye, frank.
I don't care if I ever see the light of day - You're not trying to look at my dick, are you? No, no, I'm not.
I'm not even thinking about your dick In my dad's mouth.
I'm not.
- Good, then don't.
- Ian's dick was in your dad's mouth? It's a figure of speech.
It's like saying, "none of your business.
Your dick's in my dad's mouth, man.
" Who says that? Gay dudes.
- Is ian gay? - No, no.
It was euphemistic.
- Is that what gay people like to do? - Jesus.
Forget it.
I'm-- okay.
Oh, uh, jamie.
You any good with power tools? Huh? Hey, lip, I need your help.
Oh, busy.
- Too busy to help your old man? Yes, forever.
Hey, ian? - He's getting ready for work.
Nice paint job.
You got your shoes on? Yeah.
Why? - We're going over to sheila's.
Gonna grab some of dead eddie's heavy-duty machines.
That fella loved lawn equipment.
But I'm sick.
- You don't look sick to me.
Cancer? Oh, the clinic called.
The pills worked.
No more cancer.
- I'm not dying? - No! - Can we have a party? - You bet.
Just as soon as we dig up this old, dead crack whore.
Come on, let's go.
- I feel your love in the atmosphere it's so hot now it's so hot now I feel your love in the atmosphere so hot now Are you a lesbo? Um, no.
Although I know many people Who have had relations with same-sex individuals.
I believe all people should have the right To love whomever they choose.
And even though civil unions Are legal in illinois, it isn't enough.
Change is possible.
It starts with us and-- - Stop staring at us, freak bag.
And grow some tits.
so hot now I feel your love in the atmosphere it's so hot now it's so hot now I feel your love in the atmosphere you hear that? They're going for the brass ring up there.
I did that, showed them the way-- Like a headlamp in a coal mine.
You see, frank gallagher knows people.
I- I just intuit.
I was, uh-- I was a psychology major For a semester.
- Dad? - Yeah? What's this? - Uh, that's a pacifier for your anus.
They're early, frank! Hello.
Can you be on baby duty? - Looks like a priest with a 'nam vet.
Hello? It's f-father pete.
He's with a hospice patient, a nun.
They're out of room at st.
- Here.
- Oh, hymie.
- Hey, nice to see you again, father pete.
And you too, jody.
Hi, I'm jody.
I'm sorry about the mess.
We've just been a little preoccupied.
Not at all.
Careful, careful.
She's not long for this world, I'm afraid.
- Oh.
- She's taken a vow of silence, So you don't have to worry about her Keeping you up all night with her praying.
- This is her pain medication.
- Great, yeah.
- And-- and-- Oh, and make sure her ipad is always charged.
She can play angry birds till the cows come home.
Oh, well-- That's just a, um, harness for patients.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, shed key? - On the fridge, top of the fridge.
Why are you orange? Frank? - I don't know what it is, red, But, uh, I feel less alone in the world Knowing I can drive across town And find you here, bent over cans of chicken stock.
I-I'm sorry.
I just-- Can you forgive a man who's falling apart? A little? Yeah.
- Can I kiss you? - No.
Just a little.
So listen.
Um, I need somebody to rob my house, And I'm hoping you could help.
- You want me to rob your house? - Candace changed the locks on the house-- My goddamn house-- And she won't let me back in, So I need someone to steal my stuff.
If I do it, the neighbors might recognize me.
You go in during daylight hours And you look like movers.
You'll be fine.
Look, she stays up till 3:00 a.
Drinking stoli vanilla and watching bowflex ads.
She'll be unconscious until well past noon.
Okay, this could be very lucrative for you.
You can take anything you want.
Come on, it's all insured.
All I want are my two armani suits, My lucien freud, and my bottle Of 1990 chateau latour pauillac.
What do you say? Will you do it? - Frank? - Yes, son? - Why would a dude put his penis In another dude's mouth? - Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves, Like they prefer male genitalia To female genitalia.
So some guys like to lick wieners? - Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted To each other's build.
And once a connection gets made, Then the wieners get licked.
It's a scorcher today, ain't it? - Hey, debs, how was the pool? - Great.
Where are the swim diapers? - Thanks.
Uh, aisle nine.
Aah! Did you put tacks in my drawer? - My baby sister should've got your job.
It took me four months to teach her How to swallow without gagging, and for what? Yeah, it's not her fault she got a lazy eye.
She was raised right.
She don't think she's better than nobody.
- I'm sorry about your sister, But I got five kids to feed.
Fiona? - Oh, you know, just employee shenanigans.
You got coupons for this? - I've got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 u.
, And a preteen pregnancy in the lobby, So can you tell me why you're here When I just saw you two weeks ago? - We've been bangin' like bunnies And I can't get pregnant.
I need another exam.
It won't change anything.
- But you said last time I had a chance Of getting pregnant.
- I believe I said you had very little chance.
I also used the words, "highly unlikely" And "wildly improbable.
" - You got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.
- I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion With upbeat and positive phrasings.
I need to know the truth.
Can I have a damn baby or not? - Put is this way, you have a 99.
999 chance Of not getting pregnant, nothing is impossible.
- So does, like, one penis go into the other penis? - Of course.
When gay dudes get horny, Their pee holes open.
Swim diapers.
- Thank god.
I've already had to fish out two poops.
Daddy! Hey.
You stink like bleach.
- Yeah, I was at the pool today.
I stayed under for 112 seconds.
- Hey, good for you! - Yeah.
- Show those syphilis-ridden turbo sluts a thing or two.
They think they own the water Just 'cause they piss in it.
we hit something.
What's that smell? - Ew.
- Whew.
- The sewer line? - Oh, man.
You probably should patch that up With some duct tape and a t-shirt.
Aah, god.
- You sure we're digging in the right spot? Ew! Aah! - Man, I can't believe your wife Actually came to your house.
- I thought v was gonna rip her throat out.
Yo, so what's up with you and mandy? You guys seem tight.
I guess.
She's gotten hella clingy.
- You rescued her cross-dressing sibling.
You swashbuckled that shit, man.
Seals the deal for a chick.
I'm serious.
Girls take that hero crap straight to the bank.
She cook for you now? Fold your clothes? - Sometimes.
- She stay over more than four nights a week? Help you out with random stuff? Huh? Dude, you are ghetto married.
Enjoy it.
You get all the perks, No paperwork.
Guys would kill for that setup.
I kinda hate it.
What's wrong with you, man? I think karen messed you up bad.
Gun it.
Ah, good work.
- Get your act together, lady.
I got day-old chuck, two-day-old sirloin, Couple of partially soft bagels, And, like, two gallons of nearly expired mayo.
Oh, and a sheet cake.
- Joanie was late picking up her kid again, And guess what the excuse was.
- Flat tire? - Flat tire.
- It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time And it doesn't bother me.
Of course they do.
You wear designer jeans And coconut hair product.
You're like gay flypaper.
"haddy birthday juby?" Bakery guy is dyslexic.
Where's frank? - Haven't seen him.
- Well, he's gotta fill in that hole Where ginger was, it reeks out there.
- He forgot where he buried her.
You're kidding.
We couldn't find her.
- And carl busted the sewer line.
- Wait.
You picking up guitar? - Bitches at work giving me shit.
Thumb tacks in my change drawer.
You believe that? Holy shit.
Yeah, we did good.
Boomtown was good to us.
- Yeah.
- Blowing up the hancock building? - No, we don't have any more room in the truck.
Can we store some here? - Are you nuts? Look at that kid's face.
- I promise I'll put it in a no-carl zone.
As if that exists.
- Don't touch it.
- Go wash your face, pyro.
Mandy, make yourself useful.
Set the table.
- You want pop, beer, or ice water? - Uh, water's good.
- Put these on lip's bed.
- She's out in a week, okay? - Which one? What's with jimmy? That shit with his dad? - He's pretty broken up about it.
- No one's dead, wounded, or incarcerated.
- What do you expect? Rich kid from the north side.
- It's his first big family crisis.
He's taking it pretty hard.
Left side of your mouth.
Other left.
- Dude's got daddy issues.
No wonder you dig him.
- I can hear you.
- Hey, lip, go reorganize the truck.
Put the weed in the fridge, poppers in the freezer.
Put the smokes on top and the bangers Underneath the seats.
- Yep.
I'll help.
Cake for dinner? - I gotta get to the alibi.
Hey, what did the doc say this morning? Never had a chance to go.
- Okay.
I love you.
What about a surrogate? - You offering? - Hell no.
Bet you could find someone good on craigslist.
- Bitch gets paid, I.
Docs gets paid, Medical bills, maternity clothes, Lawyer fee, contract fees.
Low end? 40 grand.
Need a truckload of slave-play To raise that kinda scratch.
What'll you do? Something.
- Sister, I so admire the vow you've taken.
It takes such strength To resist the lure of temptation, Verbally or otherwise.
oh! Oh, sister, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
Jody and I are just experimenting With new liberties.
As you know, our bodies are god's temple, And it's as if we're adding on a little wing or two.
So there's no way in the world You would ever talk? oh, sister.
Jody is pushing me to new levels.
It's completely my fault.
He warned me not to go Through this gateway with him, But I wouldn't listen.
And now I can't find my way back.
I've never had so many things Inserted into so many parts of my body at once! Have I encouraged him to overstep his boundaries? Or am I helping him to create New and-- and healthy ones? Because I admit, Inflicting sexual pain Gives me great pleasure.
- You ready, mama? Batteries are charged! - Oh, sister, I feel so much better.
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
Oh, you're a good one.
Gloves? - Got some cuts on my hands at work.
I think it's dry.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, my god.
I just realized.
That huge fight that dad had with mr.
Ward, My gay seventh grade science teacher-- I thought it was because of the crappy grade I got on my bread mold project, But they kept on excusing themselves To discuss it in private.
I am such an idiot.
And that wedding that we went to in hawaii When I was in high school-- me, mom, and chip Went to bed early, and dad stayed up dancing All night with the best man.
I guess what really gets me Is that he couldn't tell me the truth.
I mean, did he think I wouldn't accept him Or that I'd think less of him? Why didn't he trust me? Am I the only one who didn't know? Does my brother know? Oh, I bet you my brother knows.
and I was wrong to believe in myself I can't belong to a scene and no one else - Wait, so there's butthole involved? Sometimes, not always.
Ian and I are gonna go get high And watch family guy.
You wanna come? - Uh, no, I've been driving all day.
I'm exhausted.
Doing a night load.
Any takers? Here you go.
Lip, nothing? - Did ours this afternoon.
- Maybe next time you wanna throw in Debbie or carl or liam's with yours.
Sure, no problem.
Hey, if you change your mind, Come down, okay? Mm.
- I need to know where the gay wieners go.
You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up? Yeah.
- Think of it as one dude Plunging another dude's toilet.
- take us out to the coast and we'll find our way, oh Could always adopt.
- I don't want someone else's kid.
I want a little punk with your pretty eyes And your crooked smile.
- I don't know, v, at some point We might have to accept that it's not meant to be.
Not meant to be? Was I meant to get an s.
At 17 From some lame-ass rapper That would trash my tubes? Was I meant to google him all afternoon To find out he has eight kids? Was I meant to friend him on facebook To write on his wall some psychotic rant About how he ruined my life? - Baby, it's okay.
- No, it's not.
Fuck his weak-ass rhymes, Fuck that tree frog-lookin' doctor, And fuck all the fuckin' money I spent on condoms For the last 20 years.
And fuck you for acting like you don't wanna Fight harder for this.
- Whoa.
You know I do, more than anything.
Then let's fight.
Enough with the kicking! Christ! - Where is she? - I can't-- I give up.
I need sleep.
- Let me spell this out for you.
The city digs up some bones.
The police show up.
They figure out it's aunt ginger.
They date the bones.
They realize she's been dead for 14 years, And yet, her social security checks Are being cashed every month.
This isn't a dui, frank.
You buried a body and you stole From the federal government.
You will never get out of prison.
Think about it.
- Hey.
You know the guy You beat the shit out of at that club? He wants me to sneak into his mansion, Take all of his crap.
Really? Hilarious.
- He can't get it himself.
Says I can take whatever I want.
He's loaded.
You want in? Jesus! Use blanks, maybe? Fuck.
Can I bring my cousins? - Yeah.
- All right.
I'm in.
I don't know what you see In that geriatric viagroid.
- He buys me stuff, orders me room service.
He isn't afraid to kiss me.
Yeah, we're low on joints.
- I got extra weed in the fridge, But it needs rolling.
- You guys look like you could use some help.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- No, we're good, thanks.
- Can you roll us some spliffs? - Sure.
We need papers.
Right there.
- You guys are really killing it.
Whoa, you are a giant.
- Ask me if I play basketball and I'll punch your nuts.
What do you want? - Two fountains, a pack of sparklers, Three joints, and a bomb pop.
- Hey, you got any community service hours left? - Why? - Molly could help, he offered.
- No.
You know what? I'm covered.
Actually we're good here too.
You can go home.
- You know what? Have her stick around.
I gotta hit the alibi in ten minutes away.
- I can handle it.
- I'm good to stay.
- No, please just go home, mandy-- To your own fucking house, for once.
That was harsh.
Really, ladies? Really funny.
Hi, this is fiona.
I'm working register two.
I'm locked in the bathroom.
I did try the knob.
I'll try again.
- On what planet is it cool for you To take a smoke break in the employee bathroom? - I don't even smoke parliaments.
I remember how I played the fool for you now I'm just a fool until you do this every time that I wake is a number that sings - Holy crap, congrats on your puberty.
- Yeah, your tits look great.
You know, they always say it happens overnight.
Go for a swim.
Try out your new bod.
It's my fourth.
- I don't care if it's your 44th.
We don't do buybacks.
- I'm broke.
- Hey, news flash, princess.
So is 150% of the patronage here.
- Oh, there she is.
Welcome back.
How was your vacay? - Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.
- Yeah? Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so-- - a fairy? Hello, 1983.
Did you get my co2 tanks? - Yeah.
Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
You know, not for nothin', but, uh, No one likes to hear a grown man whine.
It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.
- Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.
Get over it.
Fiona doesn't have room for it.
She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.
- Good denizens of cook county, I have a proposition.
Do you remember-- Do you remember the holdup Of that jewelry store on south ashland in '92? Oh, yeah, sure.
- Bastards cleaned out these poor spics Of every piece of crap that they had.
That was my mother.
She did the heist.
And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
How do you know that? - Well, she stashed it somewhere And then she forgot where.
So the other day I was planting some basil.
I've recently gotten back into gardening.
And I found this.
Shit, is that gold? Could be.
Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised.
The point being, this is only the tip Of the golden iceberg.
Now I can't dig it all up by myself.
So I will give a sizeable cut To anyone who helps me unearth it.
So who's with me? - Fuck it.
Why not? - I'm in.
- There you go.
Bravo, soldiers.
Onward, onward.
Let's go.
- Let's do it.
- That's the spirit.
This is what made america great.
Ew, period! Period! - Hey.
What'd I miss at the pool? - Should we-- - let's just make sure We explored all other options.
What about that maid you used to work with? - Chantrelle? Too crazy.
- How about macie down at the old folks home? - Too medicated.
- Fiona? Too white.
- Really? Is that a concern of yours? - I want it to have my genetic material, Or at least look like it does.
- What about your cousin sharonda? I called her this morning.
She fell off the wagon, was fried by noon.
- Well, what about your other cousin? You know, the, uh, pretty one? Oh, the pretty one? - No, 'cause I want our kid to look pretty like you.
I mean-- - she's 13.
She seems older.
Mother of christ, it stinks.
There's so much shit in the yard.
- Shut up and keep digging.
The one arm wonder's making more progress than you.
- This is as far as you got? Don't judge! - Frank, do you know for certain There's jewelry buried out here? Uh, you know what? Try along that fence there.
I saw her rootin' around in there like a badger.
Is it desert storm night at the cheesecake factory? - Why are you acting like a dick to mandy? - I think that qualifies as None of your fuckin' business.
- Well, she called me from her aunt's house, Said you told her to go home.
Is molly leaving too? - What? No, debs.
Look, man.
She is always on me about, you know, Our plans for the night and when We're going to see her friend's band And what we're doing next week.
- So she likes hanging out with you.
That's not a crime.
- I like molly.
She's not my wife.
- No, she's a good person who does nice things for you.
- What are you, her fuckin' lawyer? No, I'm her best friend.
All right, and you're acting like a douche bag.
You want out? End it.
You don't? Stop treating her like garbage.
But just 'cause karen wiped her ass with you Doesn't give you the right to shit on mandy.
- Guys, bad news.
We all gotta dig tonight.
The city's coming and frank can't find aunt ginger.
So? - So someone's going to jail if we don't find her.
Yeah, frank, you mean.
- There's a body.
We know about it.
We're accomplices.
- Once again saddled with a mess we didn't create.
- Sooner we get out there and dig, The sooner it'll all be over.
- I still got blisters on my hand from yesterday.
I can dig.
I have pretty developed upper arms for a chick.
- I need to borrow your turkey baster.
- I don't want molly to leave! What's with her? - She got her period at the pool today.
- I can't wait to get my period.
Mom said it's the body's tribute to female sacrifice.
- You're not a girl, honey.
You're a boy who was raised By a jacked-up meth head of a mom Who made you think you were a girl Because she hates men.
I'm not a girl? Lip.
debbie? it wasn't real.
It was ketchup.
They did it in front of everyone! - Who? - The girls at the pool.
They're pretty and boys notice them.
- Well, they won't be pretty for long.
They're gonna make all the bad decisions And you're gonna get to learn from their mistakes.
- Why do they have to be so mean? - Some girls are just jerks.
Like that chick at the store yesterday.
Did I deserve that? No.
But did I take her shit? No way.
'cause I'm better than that and so are you.
Nobody fucks with the gallaghers.
Debbie? Go away.
Open the door.
Come on.
We gotta dig.
Oh! Oh! I thought you took a vow of silence.
The silence doesn't include the internet? You have been blogging about me every day? I think I'm gonna puke.
- Muscle through it.
We gotta find her.
Where'd carl go? Huh? - Ninja! - Carl! No! No! aah! - Oh, my god.
- Shit, carl! That actually kinda worked.
- You get those from the fireworks stash? - Yeah.
- Go get some more.
Ian? Reeks out here.
Hey, listen.
Oh, man.
About all the stuff, just with my dad, I-- - Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.
- Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"? - Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor.
Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis.
Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool.
This yard smells like a sewer.
I got three drunk assholes Operating power tools behind me.
And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today.
Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison.
So you wanna talk? Fine.
Grab a shovel.
Talk your face off about how your dad Gave a blowjob to a teenager, But dig while you do it.
You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game.
My entire world got rocked, And it's, like, not even on your radar.
We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.
Look at us.
We are literally digging up a body.
How do you even compare our situations? oh, that's great.
Walk away.
That's a real pussy move.
Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it? - So I'll just be carrying it And you two take it from me when it comes out? - Yes, mama.
- 'cause lord knows I am too old to be raising an infant.
It will be our child.
It will be your grandchild.
- Aw, you were such a sweet baby.
But lord, were you a terrible eater.
It'd get all up in your hair and in your nose-- Everything okay? Yeah, just a second.
Oh, this comes the tricky part.
Not much in there.
We could've used an eyedropper.
Jeez, kevin.
Bottoms up.
Warmer than I expected.
Okay, bedtime, gang.
We'll start again in the morning.
Don't worry about your dweeb.
He's just off licking his wounds.
He'll be back.
- We gallaghers sure know how to pick 'em, huh? See you in the morning.
- Hey, karen.
It's lip.
Um, just wanted to give you an update-- Wherever the fuck you are.
Um, your kid, he's doing great.
Um, your mom and ex-husband, they're-- They're also doing great.
My dad, who you fucked, He's doing great.
And, um-- I'm doing really, really great-- Just in case you were wondering.
You selfish, ignorant, heinous piece of dog shit.
Thank you for leaving and never coming back.
You-- we all owe you a huge fucking favor! You rock.
Go inside? Bring that with you.
Come on.
Hey, it's me.
Uh, just wondering where you are.
Call, text, whatevs.
- I mean, no wonder she flipped out.
I mean, she's got so much on her plate.
She needs me there for her.
I-- you know, I gotta work on my stuff too.
So hard for you.
Poor stevie.
You ready to go again? Yeah.
I'm a dick! Mandy? I'm a dick.
Can you come down? Hey.
I'm not a tool.
Yeah, I know.
- So you don't get to treat me like one.
I know.
Come down.
Please? - Hey.
Guys, guys.
No fucking guns, all right? It's just a drunk old lady in there.
- Come on.
Come on.
Where's debbie? She's at the pool.
We gotta keep digging.
Oh, come on.
Oh, fuck.
- Jesus christ.
- Hey! Fuckers! Oh, fuck.
- Aah! - Fuck.
- Go! - Fuckers! - Fuck! - Fuck! Fucking-- No fucking way! - Fuck! Fucking ned! Are you fucking him too? - Aah! Fucking drive.
- You got shot, mickey! - Yes, I fucking know I got shot.
- Remember, do not sit on cushions, Carpets, anything foam, or porous.
Say their names slowly and calmly.
If you feel something crawling on you Don't scream, just shake the body part lightly.
Okay? Let's do this.
- Come on.
- Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- Fuck.
- I'm just gonna take another minute.
Take your time.
- You kidding me? - Stay there.
- Aah! - Oh, jesus.
- Just one fucking old lady, huh? Aah! Ow! Ow.
- Well, if it isn't the toughest badass Fag-beater this side of the chicago river.
Fuck off.
I'll show you some tits.
- Fiona's fits better, doesn't it? Sure.
Oh, my.
- You're almost done, mickey.
Aah! Ha! Ian, what the fuck? I can explain this.
Who the hell are you? - I'm britney sturges from child protective services.
She just walked in.
Yes! Oh, my god.
I totally almost drowned a slut! She was kicking and scratching, But I held my breath and hung on Until she passed out! Oh, my god.
Guess what.
You do not "f" with debbie gallagher! don't "f" with me.
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