Shameless US s03e04 Episode Script

The Helpful Gallaghers

For those of you who were doing Open-heart surgery or bringing peace to the mid-east Or whatever the fuck you were doing, This is what you missed on shameleslast week.
it's your turn.
Get your goddamn ass out of this bed! It's your fucking turn! Nanny frank to the rescue.
- Hymie has his first well baby appointment today.
I'll take him.
Nice place you got here.
- What are you doing here? - I was hungry.
- So you drove all the way to the south side For a bag of chips? - Well, a bag of chips and a ginger snap.
- Can I help you? - This is my son, hymie.
- Our organization works with dying children.
- Of course.
I know that.
It's my other child that's dying.
A word.
- Cancer? - You said you cater to dying children.
Camp? I've never been to camp.
Here he comes.
- Hey, thanks for bailing me out.
All mandy.
She used her dad's line of credit At bad bob's bonds.
- Mandy.
Bein' smart? Tell your girlfriend to wear clothes, lip.
Excuse me.
I was thinking There might be a job opening.
Tell me, fiona.
How do you feel about deli meats? - Are you saying that if I blow you I can have a job? Hey, v, do you still have That mini camera you use for titty shots? He's right in there.
Do you know what you're doing? - I got it all on tape.
He's nasty.
- I want day shifts, home by 6:00.
- think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this down side that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this down side that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? Stay down.
Stay down! Stay.
- How long was that? - Not long enough.
You need at least 90 seconds.
City pools are filled with city kids, And by "city kids" I mean black kids who swim.
Little stereotype-breakers, Like those two kids that ripped your bathing suit last year.
- They were turning it into a bikini.
- If they'll do that when you're just running Through the sprinklers at your own house, Think what they'll do when they have A large body of water at their disposal.
Savage little cosby kids will drown your ass.
Times have changed.
Yeah, that's what they said When they were holding me underwater repeatedly In the summer of '67, The so-called summer of love.
Not at the sullivan street pool, it wasn't.
It was the summer of drowning whitey.
And until you can hold your breath Longer than they can hold their breath, You're not going to sullivan street.
Whoa, can I try? - No, carl, you've got cancer.
Pack your bag.
We're leaving.
- Milkovich house.
Speak briefly, then shut up.
Daddy, it's molly.
Mommy died.
The lady upstairs is gonna tell the police I'm an orphan If a family member doesn't come get me.
Please come.
Who the fuck's molly? She's my half-sister, Whose meth head mother apparently died.
- What? You have a sister? Half.
Want to finish? Sure.
- Oh, my god, you are so unbelievably tasty right now.
Don't wait for me.
What, are you charging By the minute, madam v? - Yes.
- Well, thank you for watching my wallet, You dirty little whore.
I am a dirty little whore.
Put me on my back, would you, please? Oh, hello.
- Oh, you've been working on your kegels.
Oh, you're flexing it.
oh, you're flexing, Oh, you're flexing that.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Roll over, hulk hogan.
You want me to finish you off? - I'm good, hon.
We got to save your sperm for baby-making.
- This was a baby-making session? Hoping so.
You cool? Yeah.
Yeah, it just-- I just wish you had given me A heads-up before I went with the whole whore thing.
You know, I don't want our kid's first impression Of you to be that you're a whore.
- It was making you hot.
Hot is good.
We got to help your spermies rocket to my egg.
- Well, just don't be upside-down too long.
My sperm get dizzy.
ooh! Shh, shh, shh.
You all packed? I need a sleeping bag.
- Just staple some sheets together.
- This camp's got a rifle range And woods all around a lake.
I'm definitely gonna kill something, Like a grizzly, Mountain lion, maybe a tiger.
Or I might just go in the canoe and shoot some fish.
- Cancer's opening up a whole wonderful world for you, A world your other siblings will never get to experience.
But they don't know that this camp Is only for kids with cancer, so, like I said before, You must keep that secret.
Are you still someone I can trust? - Why am I the only one who caught cancer from grammy? - Life is rife with questions that baffle.
All we can do is carry on.
Am I going to die? Time will tell.
But don't you worry.
I'm working on a cure.
- You all packed up? - Shh.
- Yup.
- What's hymie doing here? I'm baby-sitting.
- Oh, is sheila popping pills again? - Sheila happens to think very highly Of my ability to raise bright, independent children.
- You're not leaving hymie here, frank.
Debbie can't take care of a special needs kid On top of day care.
Challenges foster growth.
You can't prevent debbie from an opportunity to grow.
Not happening.
Carl, what are you doing? Making a sleeping bag.
- These are lip's sheets.
- Not anymore.
- All right, take my rotc sleeping bag, huh? - Really? - Yeah.
I'll grab it from upstairs.
- Why couldn't you win a raffle for camp When I was little, frank? - Fortune dispenses randomly.
I hated camp.
- Don't listen to jamie, carl.
- You okay holding down the fort With debbie's day care insanity starting up again? - Jamie's got it.
Jamie is all over it.
- Okay, little man.
See you in a week.
- I just want to say thanks for being a great sister.
I may have never said that, But now I did.
- You okay, carl? - Yeah.
- Okay, I left a list of stuff we need at the store.
You kicking in for squirrel fund this month? - Absolutely.
I'm living here.
Got to do my part.
Don't have to.
- "want.
" want to.
- Debbie! Day care starting! - Wow.
Thanks, ian.
- I got a couple more things for camp too-- Bug spray, and swiss army knife.
For comfort and convenience, not as weapons.
See you in a week, pal.
See ya.
Dad, we should go.
Coming! - Stay away from people with cancer, little dude.
- Okay, who's ready for breakfast burritos? Me! - So this sister - Half.
- She's just waiting somewhere For your dad to go pick her up? Near milwaukee.
He gonna do it? No.
- So you think maybe, I don't know, Maybe you should call her, Tell her he's not coming? No call answers that question Just as good as a call does, so - So you're cool with your sister Going in the foster care system? - Well, the system's better than here.
- Yeah, says the girl who, miraculously, Has never been in the system.
She have any other relatives? - Who knows? Look, it sucks, But there's nothing I can do about it.
She sounded desperate.
I mean, let's-- let's see if we could get her.
Let's see if we can help.
- Help how? - I don't know.
Maybe locate the rest of her family.
How are we gonna do that? - Drive up there, figure it out.
- In the car that neither of us have? - She's your sister.
- Half.
- There's a coupon in the flyer for this.
Do you have one? - I left it at home.
- There's a stack of 'em right over there.
No reason the store should have that 75 cents.
- Adolpho, delivery ready at register three.
Princess, it's time for your break.
Princess, stop working so hard.
- Princess, I got it.
Go take your break.
It's not a "break" break.
It's a "bobby" break.
- Will you be coming up for parents day, mr.
Gallagher? - No.
No, no.
No time to relax.
Being able to afford carl's cancer drugs Means a lot of time at the foundry.
And, if I'm late, I get docked.
I get docked too many times, I get fired.
If I get fired, I lose my benefits, Benefits that will provide treatments To extend carl's life Past the doctor's original dire predictions.
- We'll take good care of him, I promise.
Thank you.
- Okay, folks, bus is leaving.
Get your hugs in.
- Okay, check it out.
I was able to pull some strings And get you these special cancer pills.
Take one a day.
They'll give you the energy To get through camp.
- Will they cure my cancer? Depends on your attitude.
I love you, dad.
- Okay.
Okay, good.
There you go.
Be brave.
Both: 10, 11, 12, Ashish, it's not your turn.
What number did I get up to? - Whoo! Yummy time.
It's been a while, hasn't it? - What has? - Since we had sex.
Oh, yeah.
- Sleep deprivation's the silent romance killer.
Who thought frank would be the cure? - Jody? - Yeah.
- Would you want to stay here a little bit? - Oh, you want to snuggle? Jody's always down for maximum snuggums.
- I was thinking maybe we could Mix into snuggle time A little toy time? - Sheila, we've been over this.
- I'll go slow.
- Not gonna happen.
- It's good to be nervous.
- Not true.
- Please.
Sheila, sweetheart, I can't, okay? I like what we have now.
Let's not ruin it.
Breakfast in a sec? - I've been working on the railroad All: all the livelong day - I've been working on the railroad just to all: pass the time away - Yo.
I'm hanley.
- Carl.
What up? Not my red blood cell count.
What kind do you got? - The kind that kills kids.
You? Same.
- Fiona, I need you to trade breaks with me later.
- Sure.
When do I punch out? Bobby'll tell you.
And a little tip I tell all the new gals, I don't punch out when I pull my extra break.
If I'm in the building, I'm gonna get compensated For whatever work I do.
Makes sense.
- When it's my day, I punch in, Go home, nap, Do shit with my boyfriend, Come back, do bobby, Go back home, and still don't punch out.
I have one of the gals on the late shift Punch me out at close.
Get paid for a double, and I only work 15 minutes.
Reason I need you to go for me Is 'cause I got a bunch of canker sores.
I need a break from the sucky-suck, If you know what I mean.
- Jennica, could I go for you next week? I just got my teeth cleaned at the free clinic, And the trainee hygienist just shredded my gums.
- Been there.
No worries.
I'll ask lucy.
I got seniority.
I got the evening bobby shift, which is easy-peasy.
By then, basically his dick is just coughing up smoke.
Pancakes are in the oven.
Great session.
Yummy time, mucho yum.
- He looks so happy and peaceful.
If ignorance is bliss, Then down syndrome's got to be euphoria.
How are the pancakes? Filling.
- Do you ever miss what we used to have? - Your crepes? Definitely.
Jody's not much of a cook.
I mean, the-- The things that we would do together.
- Our social calendar was never that full.
No, I mean, Like, the things.
I'm talking about what you and I used to have in bed.
- You let me be in charge.
Remember? Jody only wants To cuddle and do it like missionaries.
- Cuddling's good.
- It's boring.
And uneventful.
I need events! I want eventful play! - Shh.
- I want to be in charge.
Well, then be in charge.
Be forceful.
Jody's malleable.
He's not.
I've tried.
Would you talk to him? No.
I have needs, frank.
I have needs.
I don't think I ask for too much.
I don't know what to do.
- Oh, no, please don't cry When I'm eating.
I'm sorry.
Just I miss it.
I miss it so, so much.
And the missing makes me sad.
- All right, all right.
I'll talk to him.
- Really? You will? Yes, if you'll stop crying And let me enjoy my pancakes, yes.
- I can stop crying.
I can stop crying.
I can.
I can stop crying.
- You're visiting a milkovich sister nobody's ever heard of In milwaukee? Uh, correct.
And you're gonna do what? - We are going to evaluate her well-being And, if need be, rescue her.
You mean kidnap? - Provide transport to a safer haven.
- Kidnap.
- Rescue.
Bad idea.
- Look, a kid's in trouble, We're gonna help.
- Crossing state lines to bring a minor Back to the milkovich house of horror seems more like abuse.
- Look, her mother's dead, she's home alone, And she's scared.
- Welcome to the predictable consequences Of using crystal meth.
Have you ever driven this thing More than four consecutive miles? What's that smell? Fresh air.
Where's the rifle range? - Don't think we have that anymore.
- Then why's it on the pamphlet? - That is a worthwhile inquiry.
- You shouldn't have put it on the pamphlet If you don't have it.
- Well, let's go check.
- there is a house - come on.
without windows damn it.
You all right, lucy? No, I'm not all right.
I was filling in for jennica on her-- I was filling in for jennica's bobby break, And now I got bobby juice on the blouse That I am wearing to cuban night.
So now jennica's gonna get Her car keyed, because I am fed up With coworkers who always seem To have canker sore outbreaks when it's their turn.
- Hey, don't forget to backload those.
there was a farmer who had a dog and bingo was his name-o b-I-n-g-o b-I-n-g-o b-I-n-g-o and bingo was his name-o - You want to sing along with us, carl? I want to shoot a rifle.
- Got some info for you on that one.
We no longer offer a rifle range.
That's bullshit! Language, please, carl.
- There's a range on the pamphlet.
- How about I teach you to play chess? - How about I call action 4 news and tell them You're lying to a bunch of dying kids On what they get to do at this horseshit camp! I'm sorry, carl.
- I want to go to the forest and kill something.
- Let's find you something safe to do, Yet still thrilling, Like making a tie-dyed t-shirt.
- You don't have to want it.
Doing things you don't want to do Is how you make a relationship work.
- I can't, frank.
I'm sorry.
Sex toys are a gateway choice.
Toys can be mind-expanding.
- I just got my one-year chip from sex addicts anonymous.
Part of my recovery's to make certain That I only have loving, committed sex.
No battery-powered aids allowed.
- She just wants to kick it up a notch.
Make her happy.
- The key to my continued happiness Is to have loving sex infrequently.
- I've mastered the infrequent part.
- This isn't about your happiness.
It's about sheila's.
- I finally got my life back under control.
If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me.
It's an addiction.
- Oh, would you stop bragging? We're all sex addicts, man.
- What, thinking about it? Yeah.
- No, the act.
Arousal and release.
Before I got into s.
, I was having sex Giving or receiving? - Never receiving.
I was destroying.
Destroying? - That's what I used to call it.
"destroying pussy.
" - You all make coming to work such a delight.
- 10, 12 times a day? The same woman? - Never.
That's the thing about the internet.
Once you announce your depravity, There's plenty of other depravers seeking company.
I mean, if you put it out there, You can find a ton of willing participants Who want to be humiliated having sex.
- I got to re-up my aol account.
- One week, I had 32 different partners.
Didn't cost me a dime.
Toys, contraptions, Restraints.
You know, you start messing around, You think you're under control, But eventually you abuse your arousal center, Needing stranger and stranger shit to flip your switch.
I mean, I started to look at sex like a fight, And my weapon was my cock.
I knew I really had a problem when I couldn't get hard Unless I was slapping it in the face Of a woman who was pretending she was crying.
- I underestimated you, jody.
In a bar full of depraved people, You are the grand poobah of depravity.
Won't be again.
What do I owe you for the ginger ale, kev? - Vanilla or chocolate? - Mixed.
You got any rainbow sprinkles? - They discontinued using sprinkles last summer.
Some brands of food coloring have been linked to cancer.
- I already have cancer.
This camp blows.
No sprinkles? What is this, mexico? - We're trying to create an enjoyable-- - Create a way to get some sprinkles here before we die.
- Hey, kids, it's moppy the clown.
- Yo, carl, way to speak up.
- Want to go check out the lake? - Sure.
I'll go ask.
- Don't ask.
Just go.
But they'll get mad If we don't ask permission.
Cancer is our permission.
We've been at this camp For a whole day without seeing the lake.
I've never seen a lake before.
- Not even lake michigan? - Where's that? - I didn't get a chance to swing by the bank today, But I'll get some money in the squirrel fund tomorrow.
I promise, okay? - Okay.
How'd it go today? - Weird.
Day care? - No kids lost limbs.
No kids were lost by jim.
- How'd cashier work get weird? - I think everyone at work other than me Is blowing the manager.
That's genius.
Evil genius.
Taking advantage of women Who can't afford to lose their jobs? It's sick.
- Then quit.
- I need the job.
But eventually, they're all gonna realize I'm not carrying my share of the load.
Maybe I can figure out a way to make 'em all stop Before they realize I'm getting a free ride.
Yeah, if we stick together, Collectively boycott giving him what he wants, Maybe it can stop.
There's strength in numbers.
- United we stand.
Divided, we keep sucking dick.
- Hey, revolutions have begun with less inspiring phrases.
Flat rocks skip better.
They pay for your braces Before or after they found out you were dying? I'm not dying.
You got cancer, dude.
You're dying.
We're all dying.
- My dad got me some special pills.
Good luck with that.
They ain't got no cure.
- I thought this camp was supposed to, You know, like, help kids, fresh air and that stuff.
- The only kids invited to this camp Are the ones that ain't gonna make it.
This is the final party.
One final "screw you," putting all this cool shit Within arm's reach and then not letting us do dick.
- If you had to pick one wish they would actually grant, What would it be? Titties.
Never seen a real girl's titties.
- Porn? - Sure.
But never seen titties in real life.
You? - Older sister.
Describe 'em.
- Like titties, except their your older sister's.
You don't really want to keep looking at 'em.
How's that? Fine.
- You feeling me? - Oh, I do.
What's my name? - Have you forgotten your name? - Say it! - It.
- My name.
- Jody.
- Hey, molly.
It's me, mandy.
Uh, this is lip, My friend.
- Hey.
Is daddy here? - He's at sea, but he sends his love.
How are you? - Am I coming home with you? - Um, molly, did your mom-- did she have, like, An address book with family members From her side of the family? Cousins or anyone like that? No.
- Okay, what about her cell phone? Anyone on that? - She only had two numbers on it.
Daddy's and her dealer's.
- You never met any uncles or aunties? - Just you and my cousin david.
He's in the navy and fights bad guys.
But other than him, no.
Are you taking me to daddy? Ooh, 51 seconds, debs.
Only 39 seconds to go.
Hey, register two.
You having a party? The ladies'll be all a-flitter.
- Hey, patty.
Yeah, just a chance to mingle away from work.
Coffee, cocktails, conversation.
Totally casual.
- I've been working here No one's ever thrown a party.
- Well, it's good to get to know people Away from the salt mine, you know? - I don't know, but I'm glad you're gonna show us.
Want me to bring something? - We're all set.
- Are you sure? Something from the deli? Bobby'd probably give us a discount.
Or I could throw away some meat And pick it up from the dumpster later.
Don't worry.
I'll double-bag it.
- I'm just gonna do chips and salsa, something light.
- Well, more room in my belly for beer.
See you tonight.
- Panerai.
How nice? $2,000.
- That cost me 5 three years ago.
- Don't need a pedigree.
Just need an answer.
- Okay, kids, for lunch, we have organic chicken, A fresh kale salad, And a juice bar with beets and cukes And ginger and carrots ready to be ground down Into their essential goodness.
- Got any chicken nuggets? - I love chicken nuggets.
- Chickie nugs? I want some.
- Sorry, guys.
No chicken nuggets.
- Got a car? - No.
I'm a college student.
- Buy one.
People who go to college are rich.
- I'm not.
- Then go call us a cab And go get us some nuggets.
- I got money.
My mom said I could buy Whatever I want from the camp store.
I want chicken nuggets.
- There's no nuggets at the camp store.
We're dying of cancer.
Serial killers on death row get lobster for their final meal.
- Any one of these next meals could be our last.
We can't even get some chicken nuggets? We have cancer.
Go get us some nuggets now! All: Nuggets, nuggets, Nuggets, nuggets, Nuggets, nuggets, nuggets, Nuggets - Hanley, I'm gonna get you to see some real titties.
Not sister titties, not porn titties.
Just naked, real titties.
Well, I'm off to work.
- Okay.
- Mwah.
Eggs are in the oven, frank.
You were gonna talk to him.
I did.
Nothing's changed.
- Not gonna happen overnight, sheila.
I am running out of time.
You're not.
I think we can have What we had again.
And I would never cheat on jody, But I am ready to ask him If you and I can have a little toy time on the side.
We had something special, But not as special as you and jody.
- I don't need jody.
I need you.
I- I need you back Because of what you let me feel By allowing me to make you feel something That you don't want to feel.
- You brought a girl to my house Without asking me first? - You took me in when I needed it.
My m.
Has got real bad.
My whole left side goes numb for weeks.
I'll help.
- Your heart's in the right place.
You're the best milkovich there is.
- I should have called first.
I'm sorry.
- No, it's not a bad idea, mandy.
It's a bad time.
I mean, I can't take care of little kids.
Take her back.
There are good people who work In the places that take care of orphans.
She'll be better off.
- Can you look after her while we figure it out? What are you gonna do When there's no aunt rande to run to? And one day, there won't be.
That day is today.
- Loving sex is a rule of my program.
- Don't let your emotions completely obscure The barbaric roots of the sexual act.
Don't lose touch with the seeds of our animal nature.
- That's a good thing.
We're not animals.
We're people with the ability To elevate sex to a spiritual, loving experience.
- You can have that with sheila And still give her what she needs.
- That's not been my experience.
You're smarter now.
You're stronger.
You can handle it.
Sheila needs you.
boys will be boys - I love her, frank.
I really do.
- Then don't let past regrets Scare you from embracing new experiences.
- It's what it unleashes in me that I'm afraid of.
- Jody, the most important part of your recovery Is this little family you've started.
Sheila wants to be sensitive to your recovery, But she has needs.
Your acceptance of those needs Is an act of love.
This is love.
You're not breaking your sobriety.
You're showing her how much you care.
Ready, jody.
- Right.
What are we doing again? - "eat at anne's" with an arrow.
- Cool.
Hop on.
- Hey.
Where you been? - Hey.
- What? - I love milwaukee.
- What's all this? Party for work.
Hey, fiona.
Fiona, this is molly, Mandy's sister.
Both: You have a sister? I do.
Hey, molly, bathroom.
- You guys, I'm up to 75 seconds.
- Doing what, debs? - Prepping to be drowned At the city pool.
- Oh, cool.
Debs, this is molly, mandy's sister.
Can you show her the bathroom, please? You have a sister? Milwaukee? - Look, her mother od'd, and she called mandy.
- Uh-huh.
So why are you involved? He's captain chivalry now.
- Look, she's a little girl that needs shelter While we figure out the next step.
Can't she just stay here for a bit? We're kind of full up.
- Not with carl in camp, we're not.
- Why don't you just take her to her father's house? - Well, we're not gonna take her to her father's house Because her father likes to molest his daughters.
Should have led with that.
You don't need to be playing house With mandy milkovich.
So yes or no? - She can stay till carl gets back, But, lip, doing shit like this signals something To a girl like mandy.
You sure you know what kind of signals you're sending? pop.
- Can you meet me for a drink? Is everything all right? If everything was all right, I wouldn't be asking you to meet me For a drink on short notice.
- Can't you tell me on the phone? - James, just put on your big-boy pants And meet your father at a bar Of your choice so we can mumble, like men, Over a beer.
- This is where they lock up the pain pills.
We need a bolt cutter.
- No, we don't.
Let's just use your swiss army knife And unscrew the bolts.
- Or we can just break the glass.
When I break the glass, you guys cough So no one will be suspicious.
One, two, three, cough.
- What are you kids doing in here? - We were gonna steal the drugs and sell them.
- Really? You need to work on your lying.
What do you need money for? - We want to pay a woman-- - shut up.
This is a camp that's supposed to fulfill wishes, But all you do is say "no.
" Kids, I came to work here To do my part in diminishing the burden Of your illness.
I know you've been disappointed With some of the restrictions put on you here.
I wish I had the power to change that.
- You may have more power than you think.
Jody wants to talk to you.
- Ladies, thanks for getting together On such short notice.
Oh, who doesn't like a party? - You've all embraced me at the store, And I really appreciate it.
And I-I just want to say That we-- we collectively have a voice.
All: Yeah! - And we-- we should start voicing it.
- You starting a ladies' choir? - I sing at the church every Sunday.
I can't sing at all.
Ladies, we need to speak about what's going on at work-- With bobby.
I, like all of you, Am happy to have a job, okay? But I don't want this job If the cost is a never-ending payback hummer.
I don't want to live in that world.
It's not right.
- Thank god somebody finally said it.
- I've been saying it for months.
- But you didn't throw a party.
If we band together, We can put an end to this.
- Yeah.
- An end to hearing your name Called over the loudspeaker.
- Hello.
An end to him deciding We're here to please him Whenever the urge arises.
- Right.
- An end to feeling Like we have to give him whatever he wants.
Like we are some desperate whores Who are happy for the attention.
All: Right.
- Our jobs are not his to threaten us with.
- Right.
- Our mouths Are not his property to use as he pleases.
- Yeah.
- Amen.
- I was this close to biting it off last week.
- We need to say this stops now.
All: Yeah! Yes! It's not that bad.
What? - I mean, he showers daily, Keeps himself clean.
Last year, when my kid got sick, he gave me time off.
Says something.
Patty's right.
When I punch in late, he never dock me.
- What's a quick blow job if, when my kid is sick, I get to stay home? - It's sexual harassment.
- Exactly.
He let me take flowers To put on my mother's grave, no charge.
- He charges you a weekly hummer.
- Come on, he lets you take home Week-old carnations that are already dying.
To hell with his flowers.
- It's once a week for ten minutes.
Stick your finger up his rear And pop his cork, you get it done in two.
That's what I would do, And leave a lee press-on nail up there.
Give him something to scream about.
Amen, jennica! - We're playing a dangerous game, ladies.
Okay? Wait, wait.
If we cause a ruckus, we get him fired, Guess what? We don't know who the next manager will be.
What if he doesn't let us call in sick When we're really not sick? What if he doesn't let us go to a funeral Without punching out? What if he doesn't let us Take home expired meat and sheet cakes And a pony keg once and again for free? Bobby's a nice guy.
Okay, okay, so we have to provide him With oral pleasure once a week.
Is that such a bad thing? All: Yes! - No, no, no, listen, girls, listen.
Think about it.
The dick we're sucking may very well be better Than the dick we might have to suck instead.
- Thank god you're in the minority.
- Thank you.
All: Yeah.
- Uh, yeah? All: Yeah.
Let's take a vote.
On what? The situation at hand.
Whether we keep what's working working.
- You want to have a vote? - Hey, you convened the blow job town hall.
Let's vote.
Yes or no.
Show of hands.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Secret ballot.
Let the democratic process unfold.
Couple of tips: Don't relax.
Pretend you're scared.
She likes that.
- I don't have to pretend, though.
- It'll stretch.
Trust me.
If god didn't want us putting things up our ass, He would have given the rectum a gag reflex.
- So I was thinking tonight maybe you and molly Should sleep together.
I'll just bunk with ian and liam.
That way, if she wakes up in the middle Of the night and she's freaking out, You'll be there.
- All right.
How long? Whoo! - I'm only doing this for hanley.
I have cancer too.
Me too.
- You're the best friend I've ever had.
- Now how about the lower half? Not happening, pal.
Wendy? Wow.
Exactly how I imagined them to be.
Blow job.
No blow job.
Blow job.
Abstention? Really, ladies? One of you is abstaining? What does that mean? - It means someone doesn't care One way or another.
- I never minded it, but he never asks me anymore.
- That's cause you're a human piranha, lois.
- And blow jobs win, six to three.
With one abstention.
That's what I'm talking about.
I want a recount.
Yeah, come on, ladies.
- How could this many of you vote for blow jobs? - Yeah, have the guts to say who you are.
- Patty's right.
It's not that bad.
- Lucy, what about your blouse? Oh, the stain came out.
- Admit it, fiona.
He doesn't taste that bad.
- I wouldn't know.
I've never done it.
- You're the reason why I had To pick up an extra hummer this week? Pop.
Um Is this a place you frequent? - Yeah, neighborhood joint.
What's up? Oh.
Um Your mother and I Are getting a divorce.
Kev, shots, please.
- Okay, I'll just be down the hall.
You may hear some sirens and stuff during the night, But you'll be safe.
Okay, good night.
Good night.
Here you go.
Change of underwear and a nightgown.
- I'll be back in a second, molly.
- Oh, yeah.
No worries.
- I will totally teach you to swim.
We could protect one other from city kids Who hate white people.
- Oh, yeah, that's just my girl penis.
- It looks exactly like a boy penis.
But I'm a girl, So it's different.
- The incompatibility finally caught up to us.
When you moving out? Now, basically.
Basically? Well, literally.
She, uh She changed the locks.
Where are you staying? A hotel probably.
So how's mom? Well She's fine.
I'm being nice.
How's your mother? Your mother, She is on the final slope downward Into the pickle jar.
A pill to rise, a pill to sleep, A pill to numb her throughout the day, And then tanqueray to wash it all down.
She changed the locks.
So be it.
And remember to breathe.
I don't want to do this.
- Just keep reminding yourself, This is love.
Say it with me.
"this is love.
" - This is - Love.
Both: This is love.
- This is love.
- This is love.
- This is love.
- Exactly.
Okay, sheils, you're good to go.
Thanks, frank.
This is love.
- you know that you're pure lust to every girl you meet - Wait, wait, it's not my fault.
I was over-served, okay? - All right, let's just agree to blame the bartender And call it a night, okay? - What, you picking up a little crack first? This is where I live.
Hey, fiona, ian, you've met my father.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Whoa, whoa! Ian, a little help here? - Sure, sure.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, we were at the alibi.
We had a few.
- Well, I'll get a pillow and blanket.
All right.
This one's gonna take.
My boys are gonna hit your bull's-eye.
- Mm.
- I can feel it.
Come on, boys! swim! Swim like michael phelps! Swim, baby! Can a vagina go deaf? Whoo! - My parents are getting divorced.
I mean-- - is that a good thing Or a bad thing? - I mean, now we have to spend More time with both of them, so Not good.
Listen, I'm sorry that I brought him here.
It was just, he was in a state, And we were right around the corner, and Let's end this day right.
- I spend my whole life waiting for you to say you like Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I'm done.
I subjugate my soul but I make you feel all right got a young man's libido and an old man's mind I want to kiss you all over I want to make you sweat I want to get into your head 'cause you're the one I love - The fuck-- what the fuck? What the fuck? - Uh, I was looking for the shower.
- Who the fuck are you? - That's jimmy's dad.
- What's going on? Oh.
- Whoa, dad, where's your clothes? - I was gonna take a shower.
I came into the wrong room.
- Yeah, then you hopped up in my bed with a full chub.
Both: What? - Jimmy's dad just tried to go Balls-deep on me.
- No, no, I didn't-- - Then why'd you grab my sack? - All right, cover up.
- Is everything all right? - Doesn't seem to be.
- Uh, molly, debs, back to bed.
- Fuck.
Are you sure? When you feel a full chub Poking you in the back, the meaning's pretty clear.
Ned was looking for me.
I met him at a club.
We've beenHooking up for a while.
- You've been screwing jimmy's dad? - I didn't know he was jimmy's dad at the time.
He's nice.
Is this why mom kicked you out? What? No.
- Does she know that you're Gay? I'm not so much gay as Sometimes I enjoy men more than women, you know? No, no, it's not that.
I- I'm broke, son.
That's why she threw me out.
That's Not the only reason, But most of it.
I'm sorry about in there.
- Were you trying to screw lip? No, it was the wrong bed.
It's the other kid.
I'll be at the four seasons.
I think I still have a credit card that works.
I'm so sorry.
- If I had to apologize for all the stuff My father's done, I wouldn't have a voice left.
They were really nice.

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