Shameless US s03e03 Episode Script

May I Trim Your Hedges?

For all of you who were too fucking busy, This is what happened last week on shameless - What the fuck you looking at? This is my home.
I am an important part of this family.
- No, you're not.
You don't live here anymore.
Open it.
- I sort of have a boyfriend.
- Well, I sort of have a wife.
- She's always been a problem.
- No! - I want her to be an american citizen, steve.
When immigration comes, you will be her husband.
- Beto's out front.
He follows me wherever I go.
He's harmless.
Ow! Fuck! Daddy's good with babies.
- Howdy, folks.
You need help with that baby? I got a proposition for you, sheils.
Let me stay.
You'll get eight hours of sleep a night.
I can promise you that.
I know what I'm doing.
- Are you supposed to give valium to a baby? - I lost $100 doing this night.
I was trying to better our situation, lip.
- The only way to make money when you're poor Is to steal it or scam it.
- I know.
I know.
You want me to find jesus.
I already found him.
I'm looking for kev.
I'm his wife.
- think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this down side that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this down side that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? Hey.
You're awake.
Never fell asleep.
just go talk to him.
It's not his fault the crazy ex-wife Showed up out of nowhere.
- She's no his ex, she's his wife.
And you should've seen his face when he saw her.
This house is so quiet.
Kids! Breakfast! Jeez, fiona.
- This shit is all in your head, v.
This house ain't quiet.
And she is not kev's wife.
You are.
Go talk to him.
Get your bowls.
Get your plates.
I need coffee.
We're out of filters.
We can use paper towels.
We're out of paper towels.
Diapers will work.
You have to go to work.
- Yeah.
Can we just reschedule the doctor thing? - No, the vaccine schedule is very important.
You can't be late.
How busy can a tattoo parlor be in the morning? Morning to us.
To some people, it's the end of a long night.
Good morning.
No breakfast? I haven't had a lot of energy for shopping lately.
- Nanny frank to the rescue.
The hymster and I will go on a little field trip To the grocery store.
We just need some cash, right, buddy? You still drunk, frank? Fine.
Oh, damn.
I got to go.
I'll grab coffee on the way to work.
I'm awake! oh.
Go catch some "z"s, sheils.
I got the little guy.
- I can't.
Hymie has his first "well baby" appointment today At the pediatrician.
- Doctor require some kind of co-pay For this unnecessary visit? Oh, of course he does.
- Doctors are thieves, little hymster.
They just have degrees to keep them out of jail.
Go on.
I'll take him.
you will? - Yeah.
- Frank! Oh, frank, bless you.
Bless you.
bless you.
- Okay.
- Here you go.
- That'll do it.
Ooh, look at that.
- Oh, wait.
Don't you need the address? - Where is she? - She's still sleeping.
- She did not just show up here because her car broke down.
- What do you think, v, she broke it on purpose? - I think she broke you on purpose.
She broke you.
And I put you back together.
And now she's here to take back what I fixed.
- V, look.
Look at this.
Divorce papers-- I got them off the internet.
This is my chance to get her to sign it, To make it official.
- Why didn't you just say that last night? - Because you were yelling some shit about my face, And then you ditched and slept over at fiona's.
- Well, I was right about your face.
Good morning.
I made you some coffee-- Super strong, like you like it.
Yay, kevy-caf, my fave.
"kevy-caf"? Decaf, full-caf, kevy-caf-- For when you need a real kick in the ass.
- Can I watch some tv? - Yeah.
It's how she likes it.
Your bed is so comfy.
I slept like a baby.
You slept in our bed? - I stayed in the guest room.
I haven't smelled that smell in so long.
What smell? - His cologne On the pillow.
- English leather, like Both: Old man carlyle used to wear.
"old man carlyle"? Foster home where we met.
He was the best fake dad we ever head.
You know junior's going to prison? Tax evasion.
- Junior carlyle, no shit? - No shit.
- No shit? - Six frozen ojs for the price of five.
And I have four of these.
- Only one coupon per customer.
- It doesn't say that.
- It doesn't have to.
It's implied.
- Hey, tina.
It's time for your break.
Why don't you have kim take over your station? Oh, my god.
Is that snot? - Sorry-- Kids, summer colds.
- I have four mac and cheese coupons-- - I told you, one per customer.
- Hey, watch your tone.
- I'll watch my tone when you teach your kids How to use a kleenex.
- Excuse me? I have four coupons! I dug through the neighbor's trash To get them! - Tina, break time! Let's go.
- You know what? Fine! Take it.
Take all of it! Take it for free! I don't give a shit! Do you hear me, bobby? I don't give a shit! Take your own goddamn break! And you can keep my last paycheck.
I won't be coming back.
Keep taking this shit if you want to.
But I'm out, bitches.
Out! - Why don't we just talk here for a second, tina.
- Maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard on the coupon thing.
- Just, uh, stay here and bag the groceries.
We didn't pay.
She said we could have 'em.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Are you the manager? - Uh, yes.
I'm so sorry You had to hear that kind of language With your children present, ma'am.
If you'd, uh, follow me back to my office, I'd be happy to give you a coupon for a free ham.
That'd be great.
But it seems like she kind of quit back there, So I was thinking there might be a job opening.
- Hmm.
What's your name? Fiona gallagher.
You know what? Why don't you follow me, fiona gallagher? So, right place, right time, huh? Hope so.
I'm responsible and a really hard worker.
- You ever work as a cashier? - Sure, absolutely.
So, tell me, fiona, How do you feel about deli meats? Deli meats? I'm not big on olive loaf-- Barfed it up once when I was a kid.
But mostly I like 'em.
- Good.
That's good.
I ask, because if you're gonna be working here, I got to see how you handle the meat.
We sell franks and beans too.
We sell hot dogs, corn dogs, Three bean salad, cream cheese.
You're saying that if blow you, I can have a job? - No.
I would never say that.
That would be inappropriate and illegal.
If you wanted to blow me, Well, you'd have to be a consenting adult.
- Good morning, frank.
Who's your handsome friend? you hear that, hymie? That's kate.
Kate's got good taste.
Give me a shot of j.
, a pickled egg, And a thumbtack.
A thumbtack? And a band-aid.
There you go and-- Mumps be gone.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, it's all over, little buddy.
There you go.
There you go.
I'm gonna need another one of these.
- Um, I think I'm-- yeah.
I'm calling the police and reporting child abuse.
Aids didn't come from the homos, kate.
The gays may have helped to spread it, With their bloody anal passions, But it originated in vaccines Made from the blood of african monkeys.
Interestingly enough, heterosexual monkeys.
It was homos, frank.
He needs his shots, frank.
Jesus christ, kate.
The kid's already a half-wit.
You want to give him autism too? Now close your mouth Before someone considers it an invitation, And pour me a goddamn drink.
The stars came out For the wishing lane foundation last night.
Adam foster, ten years old, and living With a rare form leukemia, had only one wish-- To meet his heroes, the bulls.
They did better than that, giving him courtside seats And a ball signed by the entire team.
- Holy shit.
The whole team? What do you think that'd go for on ebay? Couple grand, at least.
- That kid's just got cancer.
Hymie's mentally deficient.
That's a permanent condition.
You should know, frank.
- That would be an awesome job! Discounts on groceries-- That could really help with summer day care costs.
I'm not getting that job.
It's not gonna happen, so let's just drop it, okay, debs? Debs? Are you kidding me? Get out of here, you piece of shit! You better run, you sick bastard! You okay, debs? You shouldn't have to see that.
- Can you describe the perp? - Red-- really, really red.
- What, like, sunburned? - She's talking about his-- The guy, debs.
What did the guy look like-- his face? - How are you supposed to see his face Behind that giant, red, one-eyed-- Got it.
You did great, miss.
Thank you.
- Yeah, okay, come on, debs.
Let's go get you a bomb pop or something, huh? - Why didn't you stab him? - Stab him with what? - You ride the city bus without a knife? - He was about 30, tallish, Long hair, long beard, small dick You know, 'cause guys with big ones Don't feel the need to jerk it at little girls.
Uh, I'll file a report, but - But what? Nobody cares about a pervert on a bus? We'll let the I.
They'll keep an eye out for the guy.
- You did the right thing, calling.
Here's my direct line, If you need anything else.
- What? - "you did the right thing.
Here's my direct line.
" - please.
You have less to worry about from him Than from the manager at the grocery store.
- Am I supposed to find comfort in that sentence? - Dude wanted a blow in exchange for a job, Giving new meaning to "blow job.
" Wow? You grow up in this house, You think that nothing can shock you anymore.
And then-- What is it with men and their johnsons-- Shaking them on buses, Using them to blackmail potential employees? You know, that was probably a good job too-- Benefits, discounts on groceries.
You know what? He doesn't get away with this shit.
I'm going back over there.
- Great.
You want me to come with you? - No, but can you watch liam? - Oh, shit.
Sorry, I can't.
- You just offered to come with me.
- No, I know, because I knew you'd say no.
I got a checkup.
Kick ass, take names.
Don't blow anyone.
- You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.
She is a crazy bitch.
And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch, Like, "oh, bitch, you so crazy.
" no! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish Because I had asked if there was more broccoli.
And you never know what's gonna set her off.
- What are you doing? Put that back on.
I'm changing.
- Teresa will be here at 2:00.
- Who's that? - Notary public, Gets her hair done at mom's salon.
So you have until 2:00 to get the divorce papers signed, Or I'll show her who's a crazy bitch.
- Hey.
- Put your shirt on.
Put your shirt on! Hey, I'm changing.
I'm gonna go take a look at your car.
- Okay.
- On that foot? I can handle it.
- If you can handle it, maybe you can handle The dripping faucet in our bathroom.
- How'd you do that anyway? - Shootin' hoop.
I snapped my achilles posting up some local kid-- He's huge.
He's probably gonna go in the nba draft next year.
- He snapped it falling in the bathtub Like an old florida jew.
which was right after the game.
It was a delayed reaction.
- Hey, v, you still have that mini camera You use for titty shots? I need your help with a scumbag at the grocery store.
- Hey, I'm-- - I know who you are.
- v, why don't you go help fiona at the store? And while you're there, see if there's Some more broccoli.
Come on.
Teresa, here, 2:00.
Holy shit.
A lot of red dots.
- All those red dots are sex offenders In our neighborhood? - All right, check this out.
Child rapist three blocks over, Did five years and out on probation.
- How does a child rapist only get five years? - He doesn't-- he gets five years, Plus the beating of this life.
Let's go.
- I thought we were gonna fix the pool.
- No, no, no, you should come, carl.
Grab the bat.
- Awesome.
Hey, you want help? My dad always loves a good perv posse.
- So we're just forgetting about the guy on the bus? - Hell, no, I'm gonna teach you self-defense-- Milkovich style.
Come on.
All right, let's go.
Yo, we're going to jump a pedophile.
You want to come? - Aw, sounds great.
But I can't.
You're acting cagey, okay? And there's been an escalade parked Across the street for longer than makes sense.
What's going on? I don't want to know? 'cause if you told me, I'd have to tell fiona, Which would upset the delicate peace We've recently established? Right.
- Have fun wailing on the pedophile.
Is there any way not to? Thank you.
- No, thank you, marta.
Thank you.
- Now you stay strong.
- Come on, baby.
- Hello.
May I help you? - I hope so.
I'm frank gallagher.
May I start by saying thank you For all you do for our suffering little ones.
Thank you, mr.
This is my son hymie.
He was born with an extra chromosome, Through no fault of his own-- down syndrome.
It's a lifelong condition.
It's irreversible.
He's a beautiful boy.
Aren't you, hymie? Yes, you are.
- And believe it or not, he is already, At such a young age, an avid sports fan.
Is that so? - He can watch a ball dribble Up and down a court for hours, Endlessly fascinated.
His little face just lights up with joy.
It would be so wonderful If he could see it all happen in real life.
I'm sorry, mr.
I- I think you may be confused.
Our organization works with dying children, Not children with down's.
Of course.
Of course.
I know that.
It's my other child that's dying.
oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
What the fuck you want? Convicted child rapist Just moved in down the street.
Let's get the boys.
- What the fuck is this little parade? - Kid fucker, next block.
May I help you? - We're looking for blake collins.
I am blake collins.
Oh, shit.
You're the eighth-grade teacher who screwed her student, right? You were on tv.
I didn't "screw" william.
I loved him.
And I did my time.
I paid for my mistake-- If love can be called a mistake.
I'm sure there are real criminals In the the neighborhood that you can beat up If you have the inclination.
Now, please, may I close the door? Yeah, yeah.
Let's go find a camel jockey.
- Yo, carl, get home, all right? Shit, we should still do something.
You thinking gang bang? - Uh, no, but she fucks little kids.
- It was one kid, and he wasn't that little.
- Look, he was 14.
She was his teacher.
Do we really want a pedophile living in the neighborhood? - Shit, if it was 14 and had a teacher Who looked like that and wanted it? Man, I'm getting wood just thinking about that.
Yo, angie? Yeah? You want to fuck? Sure.
- Now, see, I thought you two were, uh Shut up.
- Hope you're using a raincoat.
You were having sex at 14.
- I was having sex with a 14-year-old at 14.
- So you think kash should have gone to jail? Yeah, I do.
I almost called the cops 100 times.
Should've-- creepy fucking arab dude Fucking my little brother.
- I was 15.
I was old enough to make my own decisions.
- You were a kid.
He was a man.
Says you.
- You really want this chick living in the neighborhood? Think about carl.
- Carl should be so lucky.
- Okay.
So what if it was debbie and a 30-year-old dude? - Ugh, it's different.
- Bullshit it's different.
- Look, she's not hanging around the park with lollipops.
She fell in love.
- It's got nothing to do with love.
This chick is a standard-issue pedophile, And I'm gonna prove it.
- Sorry I'm late.
- I hate this I.
America is supposed to be free country, no? No.
- Hey! That's a nice outfit.
- It's not an outfit.
It's a perv trap.
- What, is that like a bear trap-- Where your titties clamp around the wrist And they have to gnaw off their own paws? I got it.
She hates me, doesn't she? - No.
She just don't know you yet.
- I mean, I get it-- I would hate me, too, if I were her.
I mean, I show up here with my kid in tow, And you haven't seen me in years.
It's almost like I'm trying to get you back or something.
But honestly, kev, I don't even know if kyle's yours.
I was really getting around back then.
So v has nothing to worry about.
What? What'd I say? - You think kyle could be mine? You didn't do that math? Shit.
Cancer? How did I get cancer? - You must have caught it from grammy, son.
If she had known that she had the contagious kind, I don't think she would've spent so much time With you in the basement, cooking meth.
Am I going to die? I hope not.
But right now we have to fight And fight hard.
You ready to fight with me, carl? - Why do we have to shave it? - Didn't you ever see any shows about cancer? Cancer people are always bald.
Grammy wasn't bald.
Grammy hated life.
She wanted to die, but you love life.
And one of the most important ways You can fight the cancer Is to let the sunrays in through your skull.
- Why are you shaving carl's head? Lice.
Since when do you Parent? Since you dropped the ball.
The vermin were literally jumping off his scalp.
- Well, make sure you wash the sheets too, okay? I look like a woman? I have lice too? - Yes.
Yes, you do.
Fiona's gonna freak out.
- No, fiona is not going to freak out, Because fiona is not going to know.
You're a man now, carl.
The cancer makes you a man.
And as a man, it's your job To keep secrets from the women who love you.
- Jeez, I'm gonna look like a penis.
I'll get you a hat.
I'll get you a hat.
- Yes? - Hi.
Uh, how you doing? I'm-- I'm lip, uh, short for phillip.
I- I just live right over on 64th.
I'm gonna be a sophomore next year at lincoln.
Um, I was walking by your yard, And it looks pretty overgrown.
I was wondering, um Can I trim your hedges? Like, five bucks an hour? may I trim your hedges? Oh, right, yeah, sorry.
Um, may I trim your hedges? Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
It's good.
We're good.
- No! - No, we're just taking fake wedding pictures for the I.
No one's gonna see you in that dress.
The I.
Will see me! And if I look like cow, they will know it fake! And I will get deported And you will go to prison.
- She's your wife.
- No.
- You married her before god, no? - No, I married her before her father, Who had a gun pointed at my nuts.
It's different, somehow.
Buy something.
I- I don't get it.
- Take the cup out of the trash.
Oh, the stuff's in it! Just get out.
You need whatever brain cells you got left.
- Why you got to mess with my business, man? - Why you got to do your business in my store? - It's not your store.
It's towelhead's store.
- Whatever-- get smarter customers, 'cause I'm not going down for this shit.
Oh, okay.
So, uh, what you going down for, then, huh? - Hey, did you really fuck angie zahgo today? - Yeah, I fucked angie.
Everybody fucks angie.
You don't fuck angie? No.
- Huh.
You want to fuck angie? I can call her, get her down here.
- come on and work for the lord come on and work for the lord - come on and work for the lord Hey.
ow! - Who are you? - Kyle.
What's your business here? - I may or may not be related to your neighbor kevin.
I'm debbie gallagher.
- Any idea where I can get a smoke? in the garden of eden adam-- he said to eve "girl, get away from that tree "or the lord might punish me that's just what I have to believe" Finished already? - Yeah, not quite.
Um, I'm just-- I'm really hot.
Um, could I bother you for something to drink? A juice box? Yes, please.
Uh Just wait here.
- you know it ain't no chore when you're working, working for the lord Hi.
- Uh, I-I told you to wait out there.
- Yeah, so sorry.
I just, um-- I wondered if I could bother you for a sandwich too? You know, I ain't had lunch.
You haven't had lunch.
"ain't" isn't a word, phillip.
Hey, um, are you a teacher? I- I used to be.
- Oh, I bet you were a good one.
what kind of sandwich? P.
And "j"? With the crust cut off? Yes, please.
- And you should've heard her going on and on About kev's cologne and old man johnson, or some shit-- Anything she could talk about that I wouldn't know about.
- He's right in there.
You know what you're doing? - Do I know how to make a man ask me for a hummer? Wait here.
- Mm, he was born March 2001.
Weren't we together? - No, remember? We split up that year.
Got back together after 9/11.
Why did we break up, again? Oh, yeah.
You tried to run me over with your car.
- Yeah, I don't remember that being funny.
It was fucking scary.
- Well, as it turns out, it was the pregnancy hormones.
You were knocked up.
So he is mine? I don't know, kev.
We were off and on that year.
There were other guys.
When you left me, I didn't think I could raise him on my own.
So I gave him to my sister crystal, 'cause she always wanted a kid.
Now she's going through some shit, Needed me to take him.
And we thought it was time you knew the truth.
You thought it was time? You didn't think it might have been time At any other point in the 12 years This kid's been alive? - I'm really sorry, kev.
- You're sorry? You left me! - If there was a chance that he could've been mine, You should've told me about him.
- And did I tell you she called her coffee "kevy-caf"? Like a pet name, like they have Some secret language that I don't speak.
- V, what happened? - Oh.
Corn dogs, cream cheese, I got it all on tape.
He's nasty.
- Right? - Go.
He's waitin' on you.
- I want day shifts, home by 6:00.
Couldn't help but notice your wedding ring, bobby.
You want your wife to see this tape? Fine.
Just fill this out.
- And we'll be taking some veal cutlets For our troubles-- Actual veal cutlets, None of your skanky deli meats.
Go, go, go, go, go.
That is terrible ugly dress.
Your friend, she must not like you very much.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- Um, you have a little, uh Oh.
Oh, no, uh, the other-- the other-- Mm.
Did I get it? No.
- You know, um, can you help me? - How old are you really, phillip? Almost.
- But I've always felt like an old soul.
- Oh! Ah.
You-- you mustn't tell anyone.
- No, no.
I won't.
I won't.
I- I promise you, just-- You're such a good teacher, I feel like I- I got so much to learn from you.
- Have-- you have so much to learn.
- I do.
- You do.
Mm, I got to go.
- Go? - Yeah, homework.
- In the summer? - Mm.
Oh, shit.
- Don't go, phillip.
I have more to teach you.
- Uh-huh.
- Come with me, phillip.
- I, uh-- - Shh.
Don't worry.
Don't be scared, okay? I'll teach you.
Are you coming, phillip? - Uh, yeah-- yes, I'm coming.
bring the peanut butter! Nice place you got here.
What are you doing here? I was hungry.
- So you drove all the way to the south side For a bag of chips? Well, a bag of chips And a ginger snap, I'm hoping.
Keep the change.
I'm working.
Well, maybe later.
Happy hour at the fountain? Yeah, okay.
You got a receipt? That your grandpa? - Nah, just a guy I've been seeing.
- Oh, that's the guy you've been, uh-- You've been seeing? You guys, like, picnic together, or, uh You gonna get a little dog with a fucking sweater? - Nah, we don't picnic.
We mostly just fuck Like you and angie.
That image-- It's, like, scorched behind my eyes-- A fire-breathing one-eyed dragon.
- You don't have to smoke, you know.
It's cooler if you don't.
- Really? - Everyone smokes.
You're only a rebel if you don't.
- Have you ever seen one in real life Like, on a grown-up, when it's Like that? - Yeah, I watch lots of porn.
- It's way different in real life Than those sketches they show you in health class, right? What's kev like? Is he cool, or is he batshit like everyone else in my family? No, kev's cool, nice Like you.
I think I may become a nun.
Nuns don't have sex, right? You're pretty-- Too pretty to be a nun.
- Hey, t! What's up, girl? You look skinny.
- Don't come down here sweet-talking me, v.
I've been sitting here waiting for almost an hour.
- What? Kev never showed up? - No.
Nobody's here to sign anything.
And nobody's here to pay me my money.
And I sure as shit didn't cart my ass All the way down here for free.
Hey, you, kid! Where's your mother? - She and kev went to go get a drink.
He was freaking out about the whole kid thing.
What whole kid thing? - About how I may be kev's kid.
Debs, be home for dinner.
- I will.
- V? - Veronica, where's my $40? Here, here, I got it.
Here you go.
- Am I-- am I gonna get as sick as them? Only time will tell.
The good news is, the cancer's in your brain.
And you never were much of a thinker, So it probably won't affect you that much.
- Oh, god.
Oh, god! Wait, wait.
You need to learn to wait, phillip, okay? - No, why-- why-- - just hold it back.
- I'll get hard again quick, I- I promise.
- No, it gets better if you delay the gratification.
The joy-- it's even bigger.
Just wait, okay? - Okay, that's-- wow.
That's really fucking good.
What is that? What is that? That tingles.
What is that-- Some kind of sex cream or something? it's, uh It's-- oh, god.
I don't think I can wait.
- No, no, no.
You can do it, phillip.
You are my a-plus student.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, breathe deeper.
- Mm.
- Slowly.
- Mm.
- Slowly.
Okay? - Okay.
- Good.
- What's, uh-- what-- what's that? That's, um-- ah, that's weird.
yeah, that's-- That's cold.
What-- what is that? - Well, you trimmed my hedges, And now I am trimming yours.
- Wait, what-- what is that, fucking nair? You're fresh and clean now, Just like a baby, phillip.
- Wait, no, what-- Oh, shit.
- You said you catered to dying children.
- Sir, the bulls only give us so many packages per season And it takes months.
- Ow! What the fuck, frank? - That's going on all day, every day.
My son is suffering.
Have you no soul? - If you fill out an application now, I can almost guarantee that for next year-- He doesn't have a year! There's a camp.
All the spots are full, but there's a quadriplegic.
He won't get much out of it.
I can bump him for carl.
Camp? Like summer camp? - It's beautiful, on a lake-- A wonderful place for children to feel normal One last time.
- What the hell am I supposed to do with a trip to cancer camp? I've never been to camp.
- Jimmy, come sit with me.
I want to show you something.
Come! Hey.
- All of this romantic pretending, amor, It make me so hot And wet.
- Feel.
- Ow.
- We should not put all that water to waste, no? - No? - No.
- Ow.
- No.
Este, este, listen.
I- I-- - yes? - I-I can't.
- Yes.
I- I-- - yes! - I can't.
- Yes! - No.
I can't! - I-- no, I can't.
- Yes! - Oh, fuck! - Yes! - All right, what are we gonna do? Whose ass am I kicking first? - There's no ass to kick.
Kev's a little boy with a "white picket fence" fantasy, And in walks his wife with his son.
- We don't know that's his kid.
So first thing we do is get a paternity test.
- It's not about blood to kev.
There's a woman he grew up with and married Saying her son is his.
- That's stupid.
- It's not.
Look at you.
You're a mother to your kids.
Doesn't matter you didn't push them out.
Kev's the first good man I've ever loved, you know? My first love was named apollo, enough said.
Then there was spider.
spider? - You can't make that shit up.
No, I I can't fight for kev.
Asking him to pick me over them Is asking him to change the thing about him That I love the most.
Screw that.
- Fi - No.
Screw that.
- Fiona.
Sit-- fi! - Good catch.
- Kev! What the fuck? - There's kids around.
- Oh, you think they haven't heard it before? What, are you drunk? - No, I'm not drunk.
I'm out of my mind, 'cause you and v Are the only things that have ever made sense To me in this whole fucked up world.
Okay, if you guys can't make it, Jimmy and I should just quit right now.
I swear to god, if you leave v-- - Who's leaving v? - You're leaving v? - No.
Fiona, what the hell? - The notary, kev, the divorce papers? Oh! Shit.
I had some drinks.
And cheryl dropped this kid bomb, and-- And I forgot.
- Hey! You're interrupting.
- Excuse me? - Kev's trying to get to know his son.
Give my boys their time.
- Your boys? - Fiona, fiona.
It's not-- it's not what you think.
Look, cheryl and I have history-- that's it.
And she's not trying to steal me away from v.
She just wants me to meet my son.
- I know school was never your thing, But you've never been dumb.
If you don't see what happening here, Just plain dumb.
Come on, debs, dinnertime.
- Can kyle come? - No.
All right.
You know, my mother, She reminds me very much of your fiona-- Beautiful, raised six kids, never complained, a saint.
My father, he was a A rolling stone.
- She put my hand there.
I didn't even move it.
- That is something exactly like my father would have said.
- Did that fatty actually cop a feel? He totally copped a feel.
you got to be kidding me.
I mean, what's up with that? - Shit, mickey.
What the hell you doing here? Ah, from the store, right? Oh, come on, ian, don't be rude.
Invite your boyfriend back to my place.
I mean, the more the merrier, right? I'm sorry.
What'd you call me? - What? Oh, jesus, mickey! Faggot.
What the fuck did you call me, faggot? Enough.
Enough! - What the fuck, gallagher? - Shit, mickey.
They're gonna call the cops.
Are you okay? - Come on! - Sorry.
- Gallagher! - Sorry.
I'll text you.
Ah, shit! What the fuck is wrong with you? Where'd you learn this? - Nowhere.
Just relax and enjoy.
- You been watching porn without me? 'cause, you know, I consider that cheating.
No, I haven't, Although I do consider that rule pretty unrealistic.
I just thought it up.
It's hot, right? - Maybe if I was licking it off you.
I'm hungry.
Trade places.
- No.
- No? since when do you turn down a b.
? Your dick's not even hard.
- What? I did a little manscaping.
It's not my fault, okay? What-- she's a pedophile! Look, it was a sting operation.
Look, I took a picture for the cops.
- Fuck the cops.
They had their chance.
Smells good.
- What's with mandy? - Ah, something she wanted to do.
Where's jimmy? - No idea.
- What happened to your head, carl? - Lice.
- Again? Yeah, frank shaved it.
- Yeah, and he got me into a summer camp.
- What? Why would he do that? - I don't know.
But it's cool, right? Yeah, it's awesome, carl.
I'm gonna know my kid.
I'm gonna know my kid, And you can't have a problem with that.
Look, I I don't care about cheryl, v.
I used to, but she's nothing but a memory to me now.
And I'm sorry I didn't go see the notary.
But I would never leave you, ever.
You got to know that.
After everything we've been through, You kind of just have to know that.
- Whoa.
You just snotted the whole table.
Kev? Kev.
What? What the fuck? Are they laughing at me? - No.
- Yes.
- Fiona! - Fuck you! - Excuse you? - Cheryl, listen-- - No, I'm done listening.
Kyle, go pack our shit, now.
- Cheryl, would you just listen to me? - You could've had this, and you want that? She's some kind of nympho, Has three drawers full of dildos.
- What you doing going through my shit, bitch? What's a dildo? - Cheryl, would you just listen? - You're just as thick as the day I met you.
- Cheryl, I get that you're mad, But I want to be a father to kyle.
Now, I'm gonna get you a place nearby.
- He's not yours, kev.
He isn't even mine.
He's my sister's, you stupid piece of shit! What did she say? What did she say? - What the fuck, bitch? - Get her, v! I'll fuck you up! - Well, should we stop 'em, or-- ? - What, you want to lose an eye? - Aah! - You're a crazy bitch! - Kill her, v! - Aah! - Crazy bitch, you come into my house And make up some shit like that? - Get your hands off me, you dirty bitch! get her off me! - Shit, the tv! - No! Not the tv! Get the divorce papers, kev.
This bitch is about to sign.
- I ain't signing shit! This way, this way.
- If you want to walk away with four limbs, bitch, You're gonna sign.
Kev, the papers! - Fuck you! - You're signing! - Get the papers! - Aah! Mm-hmm.
Sign it! You could initial that.
- Uh-uh, not one word.
Just drive away.
get the fuck out of here! Whoo! Bitch, you so crazy.
Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah! You're still here.
- You think I'm getting in a car with that psycho? Hey, uh, can I borrow your phone? I need to call my mom-- my other mom.
You want to eat dinner first? - Sure.
- Cool.
- You blake? - yes.
You're moving now, blake.
You're moving tonight.
- Excuse me? - I don't excuse you, you sick bitch.
I don't excuse you 'cause you're hot Or 'cause you're blonde or 'cause Of what you've got between your legs.
Come take a look.
You see that? They're digging your grave.
And you want to be gone before they get down to six feet.
How's it going, boys? - Good.
We dug the berlanti grave in what, two hours? But this dirt is nice and soft-- Going a lot faster.
- Ticktock.
Kid fucker.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You looked stressed.
I do? - How was your day? - Good.
How'd it go at the doctor? - Good.
It's healing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
The world's messed up.
So much ugly shit happens.
I don't know.
Kev and v and-- I trust you.
That's bigger to me than "I love you.
" It's a bigger deal.
I trust you.
I don't wanna be jealous I want to be happy for you I don't wanna be petty and I don't want to be blue - No reason to waste a perfectly good grave.
- I'm searching for my place in the sun I'm reaching out for warm I'll take my friends on the ride of their life when I find my place my place in the sun I'll take my friends on the ride of their life when I find my place my place in the sun
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