Shameless US s08e08 Episode Script

Frank's Northern Southern Express

1 It's you again? Oh, I'm sick of this, all right? I'm not telling you what you missed last week.
Seriously, I'm not doing it.
Fuck off.
I'm being deported next month.
I tried to flee up to Canada, but they stopped me at the border.
200 plus gas and tolls.
I'll get you and your family across.
Hey, Frank, can you do me a favor and bring me back some Canadian insulin? It's 50% cheaper up there.
"Need the car to make money.
Thanks, Carl.
" Youens got convicted.
Guilty on all counts.
- Oh, shit.
- This is officially stuck.
I know an Irish guy that does wood stuff.
[NESSA.]
You want me to see if he's around? In 72 hours, you will be free of your addiction.
How much do you need? Can we do a little ransom sitch? No, I get to stay.
Oh, fuck.
God damn it, V! No fabric softener in the girls' jammies.
Quick, Kev, what else? - What else, what? - Besides fabric softener, have I been a bad, bad girl? - Oh.
- [FIONA.]
I called Margo.
She's got another building she's willing to lease.
No, fuck off, Fiona.
The answer's no.
[FIONA.]
What the fuck is wrong with you? I I'm trying to move forward here and you're acting like a fuckin' toddler.
I want things to be okay between us.
They are.
I'm fired, but it was 100% worth it to see the look on that scumbag's face.
- Did we - Like, four times.
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [MOANS.]
[BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE.]
[DOORBELL DINGS.]
No.
Oh, come on.
[DOG WHINES.]
- [CRYING CONTINUES.]
- [POUNDING ON DOOR.]
Uh shut up! [LIP.]
Debs, get the fuck out! [POUNDING.]
[POUNDING, DOORBELL DINGING.]
[LIP.]
Come on, I gotta take a leak! [Rock music.]
- What the fuck is going on? - Well, Debs has been in there for, like, an hour.
Well, tell her to get out, Franny's crying.
Yeah, I have been.
Debs, get the fuck out! And who is ringing the bell? It's 7:00 a.
m.
! Howdy.
That's for me.
Let's go, Liam.
Time to go to work.
Debs, I gotta take a leak.
- [DEBBIE.]
Gimme a minute.
- She's still in there? Yeah.
You do what you like All right, that's it.
I'm comin' in.
Jesus.
I'll get Franny.
Debs.
Shit.
You pregnant again? Fucking better not be.
Fuck.
Oh, Debs, this one says negative.
[URINATING.]
They all say negative.
How am I supposed to trust any of them.
I haven't gotten my period yet.
Maybe it's just stress, right? Or maybe the slut candy didn't work.
- What? - The morning after pill.
I can't afford Franny right now, never mind another stupid baby.
Negative? Liar! Hi, got your child to stop cryin'.
I got fired from my job, Fiona.
So don't be giving me shit if I'm late on my share of the house money.
Well, it's your turn to buy groceries - and make dinner tonight.
- I know.
Now get out so I can shower.
Ahh! Hey! - What happened? - That! Shit.
- What's going on? - [LIP.]
What are you doing? Ah, Jesus.
Now everyone's in here.
Guess I won't shower today.
Gonna get filthy anyway cleaning that shitty building my sister found for homeless kids.
Oh, God, Ian.
Can't we be past this? - Uh-huh.
- Can you get rid of him? - Yes.
- You know what? I'll just shower at my apartment building.
I'm gonna go to the store to swipe - some more pregnancy tests.
- No, no, no.
I'm gonna take you to Planned Parenthood.
We're gonna get a real test.
All right? And you, you gotta sleep at the bike shop - from now on, okay? - Fine.
Hey, I'm going to see one of those sponsors later.
- Good.
It's about fuckin' time.
- All right.
Hey.
Did you watch me pee, pervert? [LIQUID POURING.]
[KASSIDI.]
[LAUGHS.]
That's whole lot of pee, babe.
- Hi.
- Who are you? This is my friend Kassidi.
That's my sister, Fiona.
I'm girlfriend.
Check this out.
All Carl's.
- Wow.
- Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, we gotta bounce.
Let's go.
Oh, right.
See you later, sis! Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah, why? Carl! [DOOR OPENS.]
Because of that.
- Holy shit.
- [GOAT BLEATING.]
Team, if I could have your attention.
Uh, thank you for being here this morning.
I want you to know that just because you look like terrorists, doesn't mean you should be treated like 'em.
Until America can distinguish between good brown people and bad brown people, it's my goal to get you all safely across the border into Canada.
[CHEERING.]
Shh, shh, shh.
Discretion, right? You can all thank me later when a big bull moose is slurping an ice cold Molson right out of your butthole! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, not an alcohol and sex kind of a crowd.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't even wanna know what's going on here, Frank.
Entrepreneurship, Fiona.
You all right, Liam? All right, good.
Bye.
Anyhow, uh, my son Liam will be taking a look - at your notice to appear - Carl, I said no Uber! That's my car! You can't just take it whenever you feel like it! God damn it! O Canada Our home and native land Everybody.
True patriot love - [CROWD ATTEMPTING TO SING.]
- From all thy sons You don't know that, do you? That would be a good song for you to learn.
Liam, come here.
I'm gonna go deal with my business in the front yard.
Get me one illegal from each banned Muslim country.
- Yes? - You got it, boss.
Peace out.
O Canada We stand on guard for O Can - Okay, here we go.
- Hey, Frank.
- How are you? - Can I get three Advair discs? You bet.
Bobby Junior'll be breathing easy - in no time, Grace.
- And it's costing me half of what it costs down here? - [LAUGHS.]
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, sir.
- All right, give me three months' supply of Januvia, 100 tablets of Diovan, 100 75 milligram pills of Praluent and you might as well throw in two EpiPens.
Jesus, all that's for you, Lionel? I'm a walking medical disaster, Frank.
Well, that's why God invented Canada.
Okay, everybody, get your orders in.
Now, I'm giving you all a low, low special introductory price.
I can't be so generous with my fees next time.
- Uh, you ready, Mauricio? - Yeah.
Okay, you take a stool softener with all that Vicodin.
You don't wanna end up dead on the can like Elvis.
- Yeah.
- All right, who's next? [SIGHS.]
Found another razor blade.
I'll add it to the collection.
- This place is a dump.
- But we're gonna - make it look great.
- Don't listen to Negative Nelly, okay? He's still mad about the church.
Yeah, 'cause you got pity-fucked by my sister - with this building.
- Yeah, and she was really good.
I bet.
She's great at getting what she wants and screwing everyone else.
Hey, Trevor, when do you think we'll be able to crash here? As soon as the city approves our occupancy certificate.
I made a list of everyone who may need a bed.
Tell me if I forgot anybody.
Ah.
[EXHALES.]
You can take Jamie off here.
- Why? - He's living at home I think.
What? Since when? The other day, he tried to kill himself after his parents haul him off to some conversion church or some shit.
[SIGHS.]
Shit.
Ma na ma na Ba da ba ba da Ma na ma na Ba da ba ba Ma na ma na Ba da ba ba da More scrambled eggs, my king? Yes.
But this time, feed 'em to me.
Whatever you say, your highness.
Damn it, V! - Is that too much? - No, please, keep going.
Not with the fork.
You know how I want you to feed 'em to me.
I'm sorry, sire.
[Bossa nova music.]
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ba ba ba Ba ba da ba da What's taking so long? I can feel the fetus growing inside of me as I sit here.
There's no way I'm letting anything get in the way of finishing welding school and getting a good job.
Oh, so you'd get the abortion this time? Whatever it takes.
How can I be that mom with three barefoot kids hangin' off her Walmart cart? If I have to get that thing scraped out or go on the pill or get an IUD up in me or get castrated right afterwards, - I don't care.
- I think you gotta grow balls first, Debs.
Shit.
What? Sierra's dude.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Debbie Gallagher? About time.
Hey, good luck, Debs.
Don't be pregnant.
[SIGHS.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
It's open.
My family is driving me insane.
- Good morning.
- Every day, I wake up to screamin' or cryin' or fuckin' or someone doin' some crazy shit.
There's always strange people in my house.
I know what you mean.
I can't keep track of who's mad at me.
Or who I'm mad at.
Can't even use my own car.
Are we supposed to feel bad for you - Yeah.
- Just move out.
Can't afford to.
Have you ever lived on your own before? Yes.
No.
Not really.
So you're 28 and still living at home? [CHUCKLES.]
That's pathetic.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
There's an empty unit you can move into right downstairs.
- No, I need the money.
- That's just an excuse people use when they're afraid to have nice things - for themselves.
- Okay, that's enough.
We gotta go to the witch doctor.
- Yes.
- The what? Fertility guy.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Come by tomorrow.
We're having a few people over for happy hour.
Finish your coffee and let yourself out.
Bye.
[FRANK.]
All right.
We're on our way, everybody.
Settle back, get comfortable.
- How's the goat? - [BLEATING.]
Let's play a little getting to know each other alphabet game.
We'll go around, we'll say our name, where we're from and something that we like.
And I I'll start off, okay? Uh, my name is Frank.
I'm from the US of A.
And I like apples.
Okay, now it's your turn.
You you repeat what I said and then say something about yourself.
My name is Frank, I am from the US of A and I like Apples.
That's what you say about me.
Say what about you? My name, where I'm from and what I like.
Your name, where you are from, what you like.
No.
God damn it.
Hey, point to me.
Point to me.
Now repeat: You are Frank.
You are Frank.
- You're from the United States.
- You're from the United States.
- You like apples.
- You like apples.
Okay, good.
Now, tell us your name, where you're from and something you like using the next letter of the alphabet.
- My name is Sameer.
- Yeah.
But don't point to me.
Point to you.
You.
Point [SIGHS.]
I am from Yemin and I like enab.
[LAUGHS.]
Enab? I don't know okay, but it's gotta start with a B.
Uh, well, it does.
Uh, you see, E-N-A-B.
It's gotta begin with a B.
Enab begins with an E.
Not if you read right to left, like in my country.
- Hm.
- Mm-hmm.
[FRANK.]
Oh, fuck me.
This is gonna be a long 16 hours.
[BLEATING.]
- Hannah Campbell? - [SIGHS.]
Hey.
So? Find out the test results tomorrow.
Test cost 20 bucks.
Low income rate, my ass.
How 'bout no income rate? - I need to get a job.
- Forgot my phone.
I'll be right back.
See, hold up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yo.
All right, this isn't what it looks like.
What, like you got some other girl pregnant? It happened when Sierra and I weren't together.
Sierra know? I haven't had a chance to tell her yet.
It looks like you've had nine months to tell her.
Things are good with me and Sierra right now.
I don't wanna blow it.
All right, well, you're gonna blow it - if you don't tell her.
- I will.
All right, I should get back in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, Deb.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Hey, Jamie.
Hey, you guys.
My mom let you in? Uh, no.
We waited till she left.
Got you some burgers.
Came by to see how you're feeling.
I've been better.
The drugs are pretty good, though.
You guys like my new wristbands? [CHUCKLES.]
Um, do you need anything? No, I'm I'm good.
Hey, Geneva said you went to some conversion church? My parents found it.
Place over on Garfield.
This pastor turns homos back to normal.
He says I'm so much of a fag that I need more sessions to be saved by God.
You don't need to be saved.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Right.
[SIGHS.]
[FRANK.]
Yay! Well done, well done.
Okay, you're next, goat lady.
Bring it home.
Okay.
Eh, your name is Frank.
You are from the U.
S.
And you like apple.
You are Sameer and you are from Yemin and you like enab.
Ali from Iraq likes banam.
And you are Adad from Syria and you like, uh, samak.
And Rania from Libya likes jabbr.
- Yeah.
- My name is Fatemeh - from Iran and I like juje.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yes! We did it! We did it, everybody! I have no idea what that crap you like is, but everybody did really well.
It was a fun game, Mr.
Frank who likes apples.
[SHOWER RUNNING.]
Oh oh ooh Oh ooh oh oh Oh oh ooh oh ooh oh oh Now I understand This is who I am - 24 reasons to love me - [LAUGHS.]
You'll never find one as pure as me 24 reasons To love me Na na na na na na Na na na na Hey! Na na na na na - Na na - I got the 24 karat [GASPS.]
Oh, fuck! Sorry, ehh, I left some tools.
- Okay.
- I still had your keys.
I was gonna leave them on the counter when I was done I shoulda called first.
No, that's fine.
[SIGHS.]
I'm dressed.
Kinda.
You live in here, now? No, just takin' a shower.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks for fixin' the door.
Looks great.
Mm-hmm.
Here's your keys.
So, uh, what are you workin' on next? I'm just going to a house over on Franklin.
Owner saw some work on a Marion Mahony Griffin house.
A who? One of the world's first female architects.
- Born in Chicago.
- Oh, wow.
You never heard of her.
- No.
- She worked with Frank Lloyd Wright.
Oh.
I heard of him.
He stole most of her designs.
Oh.
What a douche bag.
You ever seen any of his buildings? Uh, I don't know.
I don't think so.
They're all over the South Side.
[SCOFFS.]
Really? I thought there was just a bunch of crack houses down here.
No.
Some amazing historical buildings in this area.
- Really? - It's one of the reasons I moved to Chicago.
[SIGHS.]
Do you wanna see some of them? Sure.
You like me.
Uh-huh.
How much? A lot.
- Oh.
- [ZIPPER ZIPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Are you doin' this? Oh, my God.
There's someone in the back.
[EXHALES.]
- So? - Well, what if he sees? He's got his earbuds in.
Fuck it, go faster.
[Rock music.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
- Barb? - Oh, hey.
Hi.
- Hey.
- How's it goin', man? - All right.
- Have a seat.
Thanks.
Uh, thanks for For meeting me, you know.
- Sure.
- Brad spoke very highly of you, so.
So I I didn't know I could have a woman as a sponsor.
Oh, yeah.
Anybody's a sponsor as long as there is no risk of falling in love with that person.
Ah.
Well, you never know, right? Ha! Fat chance, honey.
So What are we doing here? Uhh, well I I got some shit goin' on, you know, other than Brad falling and I'm kinda havin' a hard time with it.
And I got this professor, he got carted off to prison.
- Mm.
- Um, then got this ex who's dating this guy who got some other girl pregnant.
I'm sorry, did I just walk into an episode of Gossip Girl? - What? - I mean, why should I care about some bitch, a guy, a pregnant girl, - jailbird teacher? - I'm I'm sharing, you know.
And what exactly does that Blake Lively whiney crap gotta do with you? It's what I'm going through.
[CHUCKLES.]
What the hell you talkin' about, man? You're not going through any of that crap.
I mean, you have convinced yourself that you are.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, so you don't have to actually look at your own shit.
It's a fucking classic codependence.
All right, what's your problem? Halfway decent lookin' guy.
I'm assuming you're not a complete moron, right? Okay, um You know, maybe this isn't a good match, huh? Okay, well, you call me when you're ready to talk about you.
[Percussive music.]
Are we in Canada? Not yet.
Now, we walk.
Yes.
[GOAT BLEATS.]
What's Canada like, Mr.
Frank? Well, it's wilderness as far as the eye can see.
Filled with maple trees that have an endless supply of magical syrup in their trunks.
I would like to try magical syrup.
You will, Fatemeh.
You will also receive a pound of Canadian bacon, a pair of ice skates and a gift card to Tim Hortons as a welcome gift.
- Oh, wow.
- Wow! Ah, if you thought Lady Liberty had a lot to offer, wait till you see what the lumberjack country has in store for you.
Health care for all, marriage equality for gays, legal hookers for the asking.
Oh, I think I will enjoy Canada.
The Canucks can be a boring people, but every now and again, Mother Canada spits out a halfway decent talent like Bill Shatner, uh, Celine Dion, um, Pamela Anderson, - Justin Bieber.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, I would like to meet Justin Bieber.
Anything's possible.
That's why Canada's called The New Land of the Free.
[GOAT BLEATS.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Ah! [SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
Damn it, Svet.
I just put new ice in that.
- Kevin, come clean this up.
- I got it.
No.
- What? - You broke the glass, you clean up the ice.
This is something you always do.
Exactly.
So now it's your turn.
This is a man's job.
I don't think you're hearing me.
I'm not cleaning out the ice.
The ice will not be cleaned out by me.
You broke the glass.
This is 50% your bar.
I've done the shit work 100% of the time.
That means you owe me a bunch of times to clean out the ice.
So go replace it before a customer gets glass in his drink, cuts his throat open, sues the bar, shuts us down and then your ass is back out on the streets.
I'm doing my lemons.
[Rock music.]
- That was so hot.
- I don't know what came over me.
Ohh, you're in full-on domination mode.
Oh, yeah.
Something in me just snapped.
I'm tired of her controlling us.
You're making me so hot.
I'm making myself so hot.
This is one of my favorite buildings in the city.
- This place? - One of the first residential high-rise buildings ever built.
No shit.
I've walked past here a thousand times.
Built as luxury apartments for the Chicago Exhibition in the '30s.
I know a guy who got his face shot off in here.
Arched windows.
It's Romanesque revival.
Look at the ornamental cornice.
I would look at it if I knew what a cornice was.
[CHUCKLES.]
Up the top, there.
Come here.
[Rock music.]
See all that extraordinary masonry work and detail? It's remarkable.
You mean the little ribbon things? It's polychromatic brick façade on top of beautiful stone.
- Looks kinda like a castle.
- Yeah This is the Frank Lloyd Wright thing? Built for the Robie family.
And the planters are supposed to break the inside out so it divides.
And we're under a bridge.
And now everyday places Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man also lie with mankind as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.
" Praise the Lord.
But we are here today to give sweet Tammy a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of the Lord and return back to her flock.
Are you fuckin' kidding me? Matthew 18 says we must confront the sinner and give him a chance to repent.
So, I ask you in front of your family, Tammy, do you want to be cured of the homosexuality disease and go back to being a normal girl again? [SNIFFLES.]
Yes.
[SIGHS.]
Jesus.
Do you want God back in your life, Tammy? I do.
[CRYING.]
He can't hear you, Tammy.
Do you want God back in your life? Yes! Yes.
Then let us now close our eyes and raise our palms to Tammy so that we may light the path for this lost lamb to find her way back to the kingdom of heaven where she can become the beautiful, feminine woman with long hair that she was put on this Earth to be.
ALL: Amen.
Oh, I'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Romans, chapter 128.
ALL: Like baby, baby, baby, ohh Like baby, baby, baby, no Like baby, baby, baby, ohh - I thought you - Oh, my goodness! Fatemeh! Fatemeh, are you okay? - Can I have your goat? - What happened? She fainted.
This walk was too much for her! When are we going to get to Canada? - Yeah.
- [KNIFE BLADE SCRAPES.]
- Ah! - [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES.]
Calm down, she needs air.
Man was not meant to hike in a burka.
Oh, wow.
She's kind of pretty.
Yeah.
I thought she was a 70-year-old woman.
Uh.
What happened? Where am I? On your way to freedom.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Here you go.
- Yeah, thank you.
- May I, please? - Yes.
- Here, I get.
- Oh.
[SIGHS.]
- And I'm like baby, baby ALL: Baby, ohh Like baby - Baby, baby, ohh - Yalla.
Yalla, buddy.
[BLEATING.]
[rock music.]
- Hey, good lookin' - [SHUTTER CLICKS.]
You got me goin' out of my mind You musta fell from heaven, baby Okay, now I'll do some without my helmet.
What? Oh, that feelin' Chills runnin' down my spine How does my hair look? I don't know.
Red? Just take the pictures.
What do you need these for? I'm trying to get some freelance welding work.
Abortions aren't cheap, Liam.
Remember that when some skank tells you she's on the pill.
You're pregnant? I don't know yet.
Do I look sexy enough? I guess.
These are great.
I look super hot.
Gonna put an ad on craigslist.
"Sexy welder girl looking for work.
No job too big or too small.
Take some more with cleavage.
Uh ba ba da ba Hey.
- You okay? - No.
Men are fucking assholes.
I'm Yeah, I'm sure you guys can figure it out.
- What? - I mean, it was probably just an accident.
He murdered my mother.
Wh-who are you talking about? My father.
What'd you think.
Your father killed You never told me.
His parole hearing's down at Pontiac Correctional first thing in the morning.
Charlie and I are driving down there tonight, but he's an hour late.
They let my father out, I'm moving to Mexico.
[HORN HONKING.]
- Hey, hey - You're late.
I'm sorry.
Yo.
You didn't tell her anything, did you? No.
All right, but you got a long drive ahead of you.
There's plenty of time for you to do it.
[CAR SPEEDS OFF.]
[FORD.]
There she is.
[FIONA.]
This is the place you're restoring? Yep.
And I get to stay here while I'm doing it.
- It's beautiful.
- Traditional Craftsman.
Built in 1923.
Greene and Greene were influenced by the English Arts and Crafts movement.
You comin'? Okay.
ALL: Near, far Wherever you are I believe that the heart will go on - [FRANK.]
There she is.
- Canada? The freedom falls.
She sits on the border and keeps guard over both countries.
Enough love in her cascading waters to embrace both of her children, the United States and Canada.
- Let's go to Canada! - We made it? - Ahh! - We are here! - We made it! - Freedom falls! Freedom falls! - Yalla, come on! - I think I can take it - from here, Mr.
Frank.
- Yes.
[Uplifting acoustic music.]
- Yalla! - [SIGHS.]
Ah! [YELLING.]
Ohh.
- You okay, yes? - Much good.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Gimme that.
- What are you doin'? This place is kinda sketch, huh? Next.
- Hi.
- Paperwork.
Forgot to sign the declaration of need.
Here you go.
"By signing this form, I declare that I am in need of emergency food and that my income is below the poverty level.
" Hm? It's kinda humiliating, don't you think? Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- I haven't been to a food bank in a while, do you have rotisserie chicken? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Next.
- Here you are.
- What is this stuff? Beans, cheese and oatmeal.
What am I supposed to make with it? Use your imagination.
Sir? Paperwork.
I love all of the stained glass.
Yeah, they're typical of these places.
It's what they call Arts and Crafts houses.
- Cool.
- Come here, I wanna show you somethin'.
Sit.
You won't be disappointed.
Okay.
Look up.
Oh, my God.
- Mm.
- Oh, that is awesome.
What is that made with? Hand painted with gold leaf.
It's brilliant, huh? Yeah, it is.
You're not kissing me back.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Uh I'm sorry, I I thought you were single.
- I didn't see a ring.
- I am single.
[LAUGHS.]
My gaydar's usually better.
I'm not gay.
Wow.
I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.
You asked me to lie on a bed with you.
Right.
To look at the ceiling.
I'm sorry.
Ah [SIGHS.]
No, no worries, I - I'm not looking for anything - No, I got it.
Complicated.
Complicated? Your family and everything.
You.
Me? You're complicated.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
- Didn't mean it as an insult.
- No, I mean Being called complicated feels awesome.
I'm gonna go.
- I'll drive you back.
- No, it's okay.
I'll just, uh, Uber.
Thanks for showing me around.
[Upbeat folk music.]
Thank you.
[FRANK.]
Good luck, my friend.
Good luck.
Your name is Frank.
You are from the US of A, - and you like apples.
- I knew you had it in you.
- Only took you 16 hours.
- Thank you, my friend.
Good luck, good luck.
Good-bye, soon to be Mrs.
Justin Bieber.
- Shukraan.
- [LAUGHS.]
Easy, easy.
I owe you seven mile piggyback ride.
I'm gonna hold you to it, goat lady.
Thank you.
There you go.
I got it.
Let me help you with the goat.
Come on, boy.
[BLEATING.]
Uh, to you, buddy.
This thing's heavy.
Good luck to you.
Shalom, my friends.
That's all of 'em, Pierre.
I drop them to the safe house and swing back and take you to the pharmacy.
Merci beaucoup, amigo.
Gonna miss those brown bunnies.
Mm.
Hey, Deb, did you get your period yet? No.
Smells disgusting.
It's free.
Eat it.
Ah, there's no way that's real cheese.
Carl doesn't like this, sis.
- Sis? - I'm gonna Postmates KFC for him, who's in? - Ah, me, sis.
- Thanks, sis.
- Thanks, babe.
- Eat it or don't eat it, I don't care.
It counts as my groceries for the week.
KFC will be here in 20 minutes.
- You rock.
- No, you do.
Mm.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, hell yeah! I just got a welding job for tomorrow! "Sexy welder girl"? - Gotta go with your assets.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Do we have a Bible? - A bible? Yeah, the good book.
I doubt it.
Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated? ALL: Yes.
Are you serious? How? Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
Who had several different names.
[IAN.]
Almost married a heroin addict.
Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother? - BOTH: Oh, yeah! - Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
Wow, you found a Bible? Okay, I get it.
I'm complicated.
I'm gonna go walk my dog now.
- Well, I can keep going.
- [ALL COMPLAINING.]
Oh, fuck you guys.
At least Rusty loves me.
This poor child couldn't help himself once the devil got inside of him.
- Mm-hmm.
- Psalm 101:3 says, "I will not look with approval on anything that is vile.
I hate what faithless people do.
I will have no part of it.
" Romans 13:8-10 says, "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.
" What is your name? Ian - Gallagher.
- Are you a homosexual, Ian? Indeed, I am.
Would you like to come up to the altar and bring Jesus back into your life? Oh, no.
I'm I'm good.
See, I already got Jesus in my life.
Corinthians 6:9-10 clearly states, "Neither the sexually immoral nor male prostitutes nor homosexuals will inherit the kingdom of God.
" - ALL: Amen.
- Oh, really? 'Cause Colossians 3:11-13 says, "Here there is no Jew or Gentile, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
" Corinthians 6:17-20, "Flee from sexual immorality.
All the sins a person commits are outside of the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
" Galatians 5:14, "For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping the command: Love thy neighbor as thyself.
" The lust of the flesh comes not from the father, - but from the world.
- Woe to you, teachers of law and Pharisees, you hypocrites.
You don't actually think you can win a Bible quoting contest with me.
He does.
Are you the queer boyfriend? Oh, no, I'm queer transgender - ex-boyfriend, actually.
- [CROWD MURMURING.]
But we'll probably start banging again soon.
[WOMAN.]
Oh! Hey, any of you queers sick of this bullshit wanna get out of here? We got this brick building over on Ashland.
It's the one with all the gay rainbow flags.
- I'll go.
- Lewis.
Get back here.
Lewis! Get back here.
You wanna fight? I'll fight you, but you're gonna get your ass kicked by a ho-mo-sexual.
Let's go.
Fags, this way! - La ah ah - No! Ooh, ooh, tonight [MAN.]
Steven you get over here, right now.
- Lip? - Yeah, yeah.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Uh, thanks for meeting me.
Yeah, sure.
You got it.
How long you been sober, kid? Uhh, about a year.
- All right.
Good for you.
- Thanks.
The food decent in this dump? Yeah, it's not bad.
You buyin'? - Okay.
- Great.
Okay.
Hey, so, it's cool if I talk about my ex-girlfriend a little bit? You know, I got some shit goin' on with her and I guess I kinda wanna share.
- Oh, fuck yeah.
- Yeah? You wanna talk about exes, let me tell you about the miserable cuntbag of an ex that gave me a cock suckin' venereal disease.
Women can't be trusted.
They're all assholes or whores.
I think I'll have the cherry pie.
I'm all right.
Near, far Wherever you are I believe that the heart Will go on Once more You open the door And my heart [PANTING.]
There you are, sweetheart.
Thank you for waiting.
[Rock music.]
Come on.
Seriously? Someone swiped my fuckin' keys again! Carl! No, I have to be serious about my job right now.
I was just gonna hold your hand.
Okay.
Actually, do you mind putting both hands on the wheel, please? Yes, sure.
Of course, ma'am.
Um, I'm sorry.
He's not your boyfriend.
You don't get to tell him what to do.
This guy is the best driver I have ever met.
He could operate this thing with no hands and just his dick and get you there safely.
You can let me off right here.
But both hands are on the wheel now, ma'am.
Let me out.
This chick is psycho.
Uh, ah.
[SIGHS.]
What the hell? You can't be pissing people off.
Jesus.
Sorry.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
[MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
Who the fuck are you? Where's Denny? We use Igor now.
Bullshit we use Igor now.
We've been using my buddy Denny as the beer guy since Stan was alive.
If he was such a good buddy of yours, you would've noticed that I got rid of him a year ago, and we use Igor now.
Well, as of this moment, we're using Denny again.
Beat it, Igor.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
[BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
I said beat it, Igor.
I'm I'm gonna go.
What the hell did you just do? You saw what I just did, so why the fuck are you asking me? Meet you inside.
My man calls.
Here's your little psychopath.
[Rock music.]
Can you watch my daughter a second? Hell yeah! It's about time.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
You were awesome.
Uh, what? What are you talking about? Going at it with that pastor.
What wait, what? How do you know? It's on YouTube.
It's already got, like, 1,000 hits.
- Seriously? - Uh-huh.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, no no problem.
So what now? I guess I gotta find you guys a place to stay.
Guys wanna help me out? Come on.
Thank you for meeting with me, Ernest.
I wanted to talk to you about maybe being my new sponsor.
Haven't had much luck finding one.
I seem to upset people when I bring up my ex-girlfriend, but, uh, that's what's going on with me.
You know, that's that's what I want to talk about.
Are you okay? Ernest, your, um Your head is buzzing.
Sorry? - Okay.
- [DOOR OPENING.]
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna be right back.
You don't go anywhere.
All right? You stay here.
Hey, how'd the thing with your dad go? [SIGHS.]
They don't decide right away.
I gotta go punch in.
- You tell her yet? - It wasn't the right time.
When's the right time gonna be? It's none of your goddamn business.
No, fuck this, how 'bout I fucking tell her then? The fuck you will, man.
You guys are fighting? I'm worried that my deadbeat father's gonna be released from jail, and come after me or Neil or Lucas, and you're starting shit with Charlie again? Stay out of my life and focus on your own shit, Lip.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Where you going? - Home.
I thought you hated it there.
Changed my mind! Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow? You're just gonna let me go back home? No, but I thought you wanted to.
Yeah, because you don't love me anymore.
When did I say that? When you yelled at me for trying to hold your hand in the car.
I didn't yell at you for trying to hold my hand.
I yelled at you because you scared a customer off.
You're yelling at me right now! Because you're being crazy.
Where are you going? I don't know! Oh, my God, fucking headache.
Are you breaking up with me? What? No.
Can we just go back inside please? Okay.
[Upbeat music.]
You made it! - Hi.
- Hello.
I thought you were just having a few friends over for Happy Hour.
- We're pregnant.
- Oh, my God! - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, my God, that's awesome.
- Thank you.
- Ah, here.
- Thanks.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi, Fiona.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, honey, thank you.
- Hi oh.
- Oh, hi, wow.
- Hi.
Happy Mel! Not used to that.
Babies make me giddy.
So which one of you did the fertility treatment? - Me.
- Except we're both pregnant.
Wait, what? - Yeah.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
How is that possible? I'll give you a hint.
[MOANING.]
Wait, you had sex? Like, dick sex? It was the one and only time, and it was awful.
Why did you do it then? Increase our odds.
We couldn't afford IVF for both of us, so Yeah, and she drew the short straw.
And I fucking lost my lesbian gold star.
Whose dick was it? [TOGETHER.]
Ford's! I-lrish Ford? - Yes.
- He's the father? - Yeah.
- Yeah, for both of us.
Get the fuck out of here.
- I know, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
And our kids are gonna look just like that.
Mm! Is that that's one of Ford's? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
- Mm-hmm.
Jesus, how many does this guy have? Two others besides him.
He's the lesbian spunk of choice.
Yeah, dude has primo sperm.
- O-okay.
- Yeah.
- That's good to know.
- [LAUGHS.]
And there he is, the man of the hour.
- Whoo! Whoo-whoo.
- Baby daddy! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Congratulations, Daddy.
Thanks.
Have him put a baby in you, too, Fiona.
Yeah, then we can all be fat and pregnant together.
- Five kids, huh? - Yeah.
It's getting a little out of hand.
Well, at least you get some action out of it.
It was humiliating.
She was hammered, laughing the whole time.
Now who's complicated? [CHUCKLES.]
[BOTTLE CAP POPPING.]
Cheers.
Six hundred bucks from the Muslims, 750 off the meds.
[LAUGHS.]
Not bad for a couple of hard days' work.
Where's my cut? Here you go.
We are on our way to financial independence, son.
Twenty bucks? We finally found a family business that uses our God-given talents.
- How about 50? - And, Liam, listen to me.
It's true what they say: With a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, you can make something of yourself in America.
And we owe all of our success to one person.
- Who's that? - The Twitterer-in-Chief.
To false fear.
Fucking codependent, huh? Couldn't stay away from me, could ya? Well, compared to everybody else, you're not so bad.
Jesus, already falling in love with me.
Look, um I don't know what to talk about.
You know, if I'm not talking about someone else's drama.
General rule of thumb: their circus, their monkeys.
Just talk about yourself.
Yeah, I don't know what that looks like.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's okay.
Old Barb'll drag it out of you soon enough.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So if you're gonna be my sponsor, then we gotta meet at places like this? Try some Green Goddess.
The fuck is in this? [LAUGHS.]
[upbeat music.]
Where's the Sonic? Sold it time to expand our business, son.
Let's get 'em loaded in.
- Come on, folks, welcome.
- This way.
Welcome, welcome.
We have a 16-hour journey ahead of us.
I'll help you.
We'll play a little get-to-know-you game as soon as you're comfortably settled in.
Eh? Boom.
What about the way I put that beer guy in his place, huh? Oh, that was hot, the way you put Svetlana in her place.
I feel like I'm finally getting my balls back from her.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
[VERONICA.]
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah! - They're really turning me on.
Sounds like you're getting pushed out of the picture, Natasha.
[KEV AND VERONICA MOANING.]
[VOLUME ON TELEVISION INCREASING.]